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It's taken over ten years for me to realize this. Is being attractive silently implied? I'm neurodivergent and never picked up on it before.

Hi. I'm transfem. Over 10 years in and post orchi.

It's taken this long for me to realize I'm not masculine, I'm just ugly.

Becoming pretty was the whole point. Instead, people just see I'm visibly trans and try to accommodate.

Now that I know what is actually wrong with my face I realize I need surgeries that I will never be able to get. And even if I do get them, my body dysphoria persists.

Hello Entropy,

I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!

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What you are feeling is normal for us. We often have negative thoughts about how we look and what we need to do to change that. The key is to realize they are just negative thoughts and won't get you anywhere. Instead, try changing the thought to something positive. What I do is, instead of saying "I can't," I ask myself, "How can I make this happen?" When you say, "I can't" or "It will never happen," you close the door on any chance it could happen. By changing to a positive, "How can I get this done?" assumes from the beginning that it is possible.

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@Entropy
@Northern Star Girl
@Devlyn
@Jessica_Rose
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@Sarah B

I would also add that being attractive is not the same thing as passing.

A mistake that many transgender women make is thinking they are the same thing. The logic is that if I look like an attractive woman, then no one will question that I am a woman. But that sets the bar too high, and reaching that goal is very difficult for most people.

You can be very average-looking and still pass. Women come in all shapes, sizes, and levels of attractiveness. Truly attractive people get a lot of attention. They get noticed.

So the question becomes, "Why?" What is the underlying motivation for such a goal?

Everyone wants to be wanted. Everyone wants to be loved. Even ordinary or unattractive people.

Is it because you want men to find you attractive? Men find different things attractive. Some focus on looks, some on intelligence or sense of humor. Some just enjoy being around someone who is fun to be with.

Are you just wanting attention? From anyone? You can do that without looks just by being flamboyant in your style or behavior.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You can't force someone to find you attractive because they decide what they think that means.

I have met quite a few transgender women who focus on looks. They put a lot of effort into their hair, makeup, and clothing style. They draw attention. And they get clocked fairly easily because they stand out.

The ones who pass blend in. They look like every other woman you see on the street. They pass because they look average. They can still be attractive, or not. But most women are attractive, or not.

The question to ask yourself is why you feel that this is what you must do. What does it do to serve your interests? If you are working with a gender therapist, this would be something worth discussing with them. Once you understand the why, then you can focus on the how.

Quote from: Entropy on September 24, 2026, 07:47:13 PMIt's taken over ten years for me to realize this. Is being attractive silently implied? I'm neurodivergent and never picked up on it before.

Hi. I'm transfem. Over 10 years in and post orchi.

It's taken this long for me to realize I'm not masculine, I'm just ugly.

Becoming pretty was the whole point. Instead, people just see I'm visibly trans and try to accommodate.

Now that I know what is actually wrong with my face I realize I need surgeries that I will never be able to get. And even if I do get them, my body dysphoria persists.

It's interesting that you would post this today because I have some insight into this for myself. 

I'm AMAB, trans femme, age 64. I've never felt attractive in my life. Transitioning made me think that although I feel better, I'm now battling my male body and face, too. Ugly is a word I've used. I hated looking into the mirror. 

I transitioned fully in July. People have been dropping compliments on me. I've been assuming they either pity the ugly trans woman or are supportive of LGBTQ rights and want to affirm me. 

My mind does know that I am not nor have ever been Quasimoto. My heart needs to catch up. I've literally cried during The Hunchback of Notre Dame because I saw myself. 

Today I hung out with someone I haven't seen since before I transitioned. They kept staring at me. Finally they launched into a speech about how good I looked. They were adamant! They denied their opinion was based in anything but reality. 

I mind of almost sort of maybe agreed with them a little bit. 

It's a start.

Being attractive may be easier than passing!

Models are often androgenous.

It does require a lot of hard work to get the tall thin figure of a model, but many men may be able to achieve that without surgery.  The ideal height range for a female runway model is 5ft9 to 6ft.

It also requires a lot of study to pick clothes that look good on you versus clothes that look good to you.  Seasonal color analysis is like going to graduate engineering school.  Naturally talented engineers learn all they need when they get their bachelor's degree but the additional training teaches the nuances of the craft.

Perhaps the hardest part is the confidence needed to strut your stuff on the runway.
Women are held to impossible beauty standards and it is hard to get past that.

We live in a society where there are beauty standards placed on women. And most women HATE it but it's just the way society is unfortunately. So it's natural for a trans woman to incorrectly assume that to "pass" then also need to be attractive. Nope.
There are many cis gender women who are not attractive but nobody is questioning their gender. That's because you don't have to be beautiful to be a woman. It's literally that simple.

Don't confuse passing as a woman with passing as an attractive woman. If you are AMAB then trying to clear the hurdle of being an attractive woman is unreasonable actually. Most cis gender women can't even do it.

Quote from: Lori Dee on September 24, 2026, 11:14:37 PMThe logic is that if I look like an attractive woman, then no one will question that I am a woman.

Actually it can cause someone to question if you are not perfect in certain physical ways... Beautiful women draw a lot more attention which means a lot more scrutiny...for passing looking average (or a little less attractive than average) can make passing easier... And that passing can result in the self confidence one needs even if every guy is not making passes at you. That confidence then helps you blend  better and maybe become more attractive... being self conscious and worrying about it will almost always make one less passable

I always want to blend in, to simply be that average girl that has always been there but perhaps was overshadowed by the wow looking women.  I guess I do okay.


Chrissy

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on September 25, 2026, 08:04:11 PMI always want to blend in, to simply be that average girl that has always been there but perhaps was overshadowed by the wow looking women.  I guess I do okay.


Chrissy

So much more than ok! 

Also, I enjoy your supportive, optimistic posts not just in this conversation, but everywhere. And the positivity and hope are legitimate. Thank you, Chrissy!

Some non passing transwomen are attractive. There's a stunning looking former wrestler, over 6ft tall,athletic muscular build with long legs and multiple tattoos who is absolutely stunning. Can't remember her name but sure she's American.
Beauty is from within in many cases. The late Jane Goodall was one of the most beautiful women even at 91.
For 10 years I was discouraged from transition because I thought and was told you had to pass. I'm 6'2, heavily built with a growly voice. Never wear makeup,skirts,dresses or heels.I have my own long silver hair that helps me standout yet blend in somehow. I look OKish,especially for 68.
There's more to life than passing and the latest trendy fashions.

Quote from: big kim on September 26, 2026, 01:05:16 AMSome non passing transwomen are attractive. There's a stunning looking former wrestler, over 6ft tall,athletic muscular build with long legs and multiple tattoos who is absolutely stunning. Can't remember her name but sure she's American.
Beauty is from within in many cases. The late Jane Goodall was one of the most beautiful women even at 91.
For 10 years I was discouraged from transition because I thought and was told you had to pass. I'm 6'2, heavily built with a growly voice. Never wear makeup,skirts,dresses or heels.I have my own long silver hair that helps me standout yet blend in somehow. I look OKish,especially for 68.
There's more to life than passing and the latest trendy fashions.

I've seen that former wrestler posting videos online - either TikTok or facebook. Also can't remember her name but yes she's super confident and has a great personality. That makes up for any lack of femininity she may have. Attitude is everything.