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Title: A nervous first post
Post by: Nel on October 01, 2026, 12:30:52 PM
Post by: Nel on October 01, 2026, 12:30:52 PM
How did I come to join? Well, that is either a very short story or a longish one. I'm hoping this is vaguely entertaining and enjoyable. I wrote this yesterday and now forcing myself to post it.. gotta love being closeted and this being semi-public
Hi... call me Nel
Like many of you, this has been a part of me as far back as I can remember. Seriously, some of my 1st memories from before kindergarten are of me asking the woman who baby sat me while my parent were at work if I could try on her clothing. I'm sure I had no concept of what it meant, other than it was something I wanted to do.
Up to college, I think my life was pretty blah. Vague memories of me taking a pair of my mom's nylons she had tossed in the garbage and wearing them at night. I grew up in a very small not too diverse world. I don't think I knew what gay meant until I was a teenager, let along even heard the phrase transgender. When I got to college, I finally met a much more diverse group of people and learned maybe I'm not that different.
After college I had an apartment to myself... most of the year. My girlfriend was still in college so pretty much only spent the first few summers with her. One evening I came home from work with her surprising me about going camping for the weekend. She had packed the car and ready to go. Great! Toss my work crap into the apartment, lock the door and off for a fun weekend. Next morning rolls around and we're getting ready for a day out in the wild when I'm digging for a pair of underwear and couldn't find them. I told her, she had a big `oh crap` moment and started apologizing profusely, she just forgot. After a while she offered me some of hers. Just very generic, nothing fancy, and they sorta fit... I was oddly happy. No... she didn't do this to trick me somehow. We're still friends and a while back I told her I thought I was transgender... she had no idea and while she didn't have any issues, she did tell me she probably wouldn't have dated me had she known... kinda hurt, but I get it... I really had no idea back then.
Anyway... during the time she wasn't around I realized I was alone with a small amount of disposable income for the first time in my life. I have no idea what I bought, maybe a night gown... who knows. This was also the first time I realized that cross dressing made me feel different, often better/happier/calmer.
A few years later I met the woman I married. We lived together, she'd go off to a conference and I would be alone again for maybe a week. Yup, I had a small stash in a box hidden in the attic. After being married for a year or so, I felt I needed to tell her... her being the first person I would tell. I can't say she took it badly, but she didn't take it well either. She'd tease me about it often, and ultimately 3 or 4 years later we got a divorce with her stating my cross dressing was the #1 reason, she didn't want to be married to a woman. Yeah that hurt too in different ways. About a year after the divorce I was talking to a mutual friend who commented about her being in a seriously relationship... with another woman.
I then met the woman who I am still with over 20 years later and hope to be with for many many more. I told her on our second date. I decided that I would not hide this from any future meaningfully relationship/friendship, and by then I had already told all my really close friends and even my mom. Our third date was me cooking her dinner and in a dress.
For the first 10-12 years of our relationship, I worked from home and she usually only spent the weekends with me. Working from home meant I was alone again, and with a much larger disposable income meant that I was finally buying "real clothing". At some point in there I only had 1 or 2 emergency pairs of male underwear (now there is none) I slowly just got rid of anything that could be replaced with a women's equivalent that 99% of the people in the world would just not know. And a handful of dresses/skirts/blouses that mostly got worn around the house. These days the only clothing I own not aimed at women are my sneakers and some t-shirts.
During this time I found a transgender club maybe 45 minute drive away. I'd go down several time a month. I could get to my car without my neighbors seeing and in a car you couldn't tell what I was wearing... Does this count as going out dressed? If so, it is the only time I've gone out in public wearing obvious women's clothing.
For several years after that she was around more often and I'd get dressed how ever I felt and things were fine. Something between then and now (maybe the last 3 or 4 years?) I started getting uncomfortable getting dressed in front of her. I had no problem being around her when dressed. Perhaps just me (probably not), but I have a ritual of sorts, and skipping things or getting interrupted in the process just kinda kills the vibe and I'll get dressed normally (though still mostly women's clothing).
A fun little fact? For most of our relationship, she and I were basically the same size and we could share clothing. More often then not, it was her borrowing my clothing, something I actually love. More recently she has lost a lot of weight. This also made me happy, for a different reason... she got rid of most of her clothing because it was all baggy on her now... and I got to pick what I wanted.
So, I've left a lot out, perhaps fodder for going into details in other future posts. But this does lead me to the last few weeks. She has been off doing things she likes to do. I'm alone again. I no longer work exclusively from home, but I have gotten permission to work from home the last few weeks. I've been in a dress or skirt almost every day, all day, all night.... It has been great and I hope it'll give me more confidence again to do my ritual around my wife.
What am I? I don't mean this in any derogatory self-deprecating way. I keep asking myself that question. I don't know. Some days I feel strongly one way or another, some not so much. I'm not "he/him", but I'm also not "she/her". I also don't feel like a "they/them". I don't have a desire to transition, though often hormones at some level is interesting but never tried. Also hair removal would often be nice. If I could have interchangeable parts to fit how I feel today, that would be fantastic.
This brings me back to "the short version". Last weekend I found myself really wanting to go out. I hadn't been to that club in years, I should look to see what club hours were, but oh crap, they shutdown several years ago. I wonder if there is another club nearby? Nope, cannot find one. Hey wait, susans.org? This is not just a web page of giving tip or some other mostly useless or stale web page, it seems to be an active collection of folks wanting to just talk... cool! Maybe this will help fill in the parts of my life I haven't figured out yet.
Hi... call me Nel
Like many of you, this has been a part of me as far back as I can remember. Seriously, some of my 1st memories from before kindergarten are of me asking the woman who baby sat me while my parent were at work if I could try on her clothing. I'm sure I had no concept of what it meant, other than it was something I wanted to do.
Up to college, I think my life was pretty blah. Vague memories of me taking a pair of my mom's nylons she had tossed in the garbage and wearing them at night. I grew up in a very small not too diverse world. I don't think I knew what gay meant until I was a teenager, let along even heard the phrase transgender. When I got to college, I finally met a much more diverse group of people and learned maybe I'm not that different.
After college I had an apartment to myself... most of the year. My girlfriend was still in college so pretty much only spent the first few summers with her. One evening I came home from work with her surprising me about going camping for the weekend. She had packed the car and ready to go. Great! Toss my work crap into the apartment, lock the door and off for a fun weekend. Next morning rolls around and we're getting ready for a day out in the wild when I'm digging for a pair of underwear and couldn't find them. I told her, she had a big `oh crap` moment and started apologizing profusely, she just forgot. After a while she offered me some of hers. Just very generic, nothing fancy, and they sorta fit... I was oddly happy. No... she didn't do this to trick me somehow. We're still friends and a while back I told her I thought I was transgender... she had no idea and while she didn't have any issues, she did tell me she probably wouldn't have dated me had she known... kinda hurt, but I get it... I really had no idea back then.
Anyway... during the time she wasn't around I realized I was alone with a small amount of disposable income for the first time in my life. I have no idea what I bought, maybe a night gown... who knows. This was also the first time I realized that cross dressing made me feel different, often better/happier/calmer.
A few years later I met the woman I married. We lived together, she'd go off to a conference and I would be alone again for maybe a week. Yup, I had a small stash in a box hidden in the attic. After being married for a year or so, I felt I needed to tell her... her being the first person I would tell. I can't say she took it badly, but she didn't take it well either. She'd tease me about it often, and ultimately 3 or 4 years later we got a divorce with her stating my cross dressing was the #1 reason, she didn't want to be married to a woman. Yeah that hurt too in different ways. About a year after the divorce I was talking to a mutual friend who commented about her being in a seriously relationship... with another woman.
I then met the woman who I am still with over 20 years later and hope to be with for many many more. I told her on our second date. I decided that I would not hide this from any future meaningfully relationship/friendship, and by then I had already told all my really close friends and even my mom. Our third date was me cooking her dinner and in a dress.
For the first 10-12 years of our relationship, I worked from home and she usually only spent the weekends with me. Working from home meant I was alone again, and with a much larger disposable income meant that I was finally buying "real clothing". At some point in there I only had 1 or 2 emergency pairs of male underwear (now there is none) I slowly just got rid of anything that could be replaced with a women's equivalent that 99% of the people in the world would just not know. And a handful of dresses/skirts/blouses that mostly got worn around the house. These days the only clothing I own not aimed at women are my sneakers and some t-shirts.
During this time I found a transgender club maybe 45 minute drive away. I'd go down several time a month. I could get to my car without my neighbors seeing and in a car you couldn't tell what I was wearing... Does this count as going out dressed? If so, it is the only time I've gone out in public wearing obvious women's clothing.
For several years after that she was around more often and I'd get dressed how ever I felt and things were fine. Something between then and now (maybe the last 3 or 4 years?) I started getting uncomfortable getting dressed in front of her. I had no problem being around her when dressed. Perhaps just me (probably not), but I have a ritual of sorts, and skipping things or getting interrupted in the process just kinda kills the vibe and I'll get dressed normally (though still mostly women's clothing).
A fun little fact? For most of our relationship, she and I were basically the same size and we could share clothing. More often then not, it was her borrowing my clothing, something I actually love. More recently she has lost a lot of weight. This also made me happy, for a different reason... she got rid of most of her clothing because it was all baggy on her now... and I got to pick what I wanted.
So, I've left a lot out, perhaps fodder for going into details in other future posts. But this does lead me to the last few weeks. She has been off doing things she likes to do. I'm alone again. I no longer work exclusively from home, but I have gotten permission to work from home the last few weeks. I've been in a dress or skirt almost every day, all day, all night.... It has been great and I hope it'll give me more confidence again to do my ritual around my wife.
What am I? I don't mean this in any derogatory self-deprecating way. I keep asking myself that question. I don't know. Some days I feel strongly one way or another, some not so much. I'm not "he/him", but I'm also not "she/her". I also don't feel like a "they/them". I don't have a desire to transition, though often hormones at some level is interesting but never tried. Also hair removal would often be nice. If I could have interchangeable parts to fit how I feel today, that would be fantastic.
This brings me back to "the short version". Last weekend I found myself really wanting to go out. I hadn't been to that club in years, I should look to see what club hours were, but oh crap, they shutdown several years ago. I wonder if there is another club nearby? Nope, cannot find one. Hey wait, susans.org? This is not just a web page of giving tip or some other mostly useless or stale web page, it seems to be an active collection of folks wanting to just talk... cool! Maybe this will help fill in the parts of my life I haven't figured out yet.
Title: Re: A nervous first post
Post by: Petunia on October 01, 2026, 12:49:17 PM
Post by: Petunia on October 01, 2026, 12:49:17 PM
Hello Nel, I'm kind of honoured to be the first to welcome you... there will be many others.
I totally get where you are coming from
I really can't say who I am but the clues are there.
I don't care about gender pronouns but more and more I hate sir.
If it is she/ her I don't react so perhaps this is more me. My wife really doesn't like that too much.
Once again I'm hijacking some elses space so I'll stop.
I 'd love to read about where you are in the world and how old you are.
I'm Aussie, 60 and only came to accept there was something up 12 months ago when my wife asked, why now.
I totally get where you are coming from
I really can't say who I am but the clues are there.
I don't care about gender pronouns but more and more I hate sir.
If it is she/ her I don't react so perhaps this is more me. My wife really doesn't like that too much.
Once again I'm hijacking some elses space so I'll stop.
I 'd love to read about where you are in the world and how old you are.
I'm Aussie, 60 and only came to accept there was something up 12 months ago when my wife asked, why now.
Title: Re: A nervous first post
Post by: Devlyn on October 01, 2026, 12:54:58 PM
Post by: Devlyn on October 01, 2026, 12:54:58 PM
Hi Nel, welcome to Susan's Place! I came to this site many years ago as a happy, late-blooming crossdresser. After a while I came to the realization that I am genderfluid. We're all on different paths. 🙂
Here's a copy of our welcome pamphlet to get you off to a good start on the site. See you around the forums!
Hugs, Devlyn
Things that you should read
Here's a copy of our welcome pamphlet to get you off to a good start on the site. See you around the forums!
Hugs, Devlyn
Things that you should read
- New Members... Please Read this First (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,250343.msg2295001.html#msg2295001)
- Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Site Policies and stuff to remember (https://www.susans.org/index.php/board,492.0.html)
- Changing Your Forum Name (https://www.susans.org/index.php?topic=196460.msg2270355#msg2270355)
- Membership Agreement (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,216851.0.html)
- Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,82221.0.html)
- How to Contact Forum Staff Members (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,246913.0.html)
- Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)
- Photos, avatars, & signature images
(https://www.susans.org//index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
- Crisis Support and Help Groups (https://www.susans.org/index.php?topic=249512.msg2286371#msg2286371)
Title: Re: A nervous first post
Post by: Northern Star Girl on October 01, 2026, 01:26:58 PM
Post by: Northern Star Girl on October 01, 2026, 01:26:58 PM
@Nel
Dear Nel:
I am so very happy to see that you were finally able to log in to the Forum.
Also I am glad that you posted a Welcome Message on the Forum which will allow
our members to find out more about yourself.
As you get more involved on the Forum with your postings, comments, and replies
to other members be prepared to find like-minded members here that may eventually
become your Forum friends.
Again, WELCOME to Susan's Place and the Forum.
Warmly,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
Forum Administrator Direct Email: alaskandanielle@yahoo.com
Dear Nel:
I am so very happy to see that you were finally able to log in to the Forum.
Also I am glad that you posted a Welcome Message on the Forum which will allow
our members to find out more about yourself.
As you get more involved on the Forum with your postings, comments, and replies
to other members be prepared to find like-minded members here that may eventually
become your Forum friends.
Again, WELCOME to Susan's Place and the Forum.
Warmly,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
Forum Administrator Direct Email: alaskandanielle@yahoo.com
Title: Re: A nervous first post
Post by: Nel on October 01, 2026, 01:46:50 PM
Post by: Nel on October 01, 2026, 01:46:50 PM
Quote from: Petunia on Today at 12:49:17 PMI don't care about gender pronouns but more and more I hate sir.
Yeah, sir is not something I'd want to answer to... though I have been addressed a mam and kinda like it. It has been quite a while since that happened. I was once waiting for an elevator when someone walked up and said something along the lines of 'mam, do you know where XYZ is?'. I turned around and told him how to get there while watching him get all upset that he called me mam... Yeah, my hair is quite long (mid back?) and has been most of my life.
Quote from: Petunia on Today at 12:49:17 PMI 'd love to read about where you are in the world and how old you are.
mid 50's and for now I'll just say USA.. I'll slowly get more comfortable with details. I don't know why I'm THAT worried. The friends I care about know. Many of the friends who don't know I just never had the opportunity/reason to tell them. I know my job wouldn't care (someone recently announced that at work... I REALLY want to tell her, I just haven't had the guts yet, as well as saying "me too" just sounds kind trite.
Quote from: Devlyn on Today at 12:54:58 PMAfter a while I came to the realization that I am genderfluid.
Understood, and I guess that would be a good description for me. Something tells me though that the general public could not deal with one day showing up in a dress/makeup and the next wearing a ratty old T-shirt and jeans. As I type that, I think I just described my wife. One minute she'll be working in the yard in a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off, later that day she'll be all decked out to go to a nice dinner somewhere.
This also makes me remember that I'm kinda a lier. I made a deal with my wife ages ago that on occasions (anniversary, fancy party, etc) I'd wear a suit jacket and a button up shirt. Though the last time we did that I was wearing some nice women's slacks that matched the jacket.
Title: Re: A nervous first post
Post by: Devlyn on October 01, 2026, 02:10:04 PM
Post by: Devlyn on October 01, 2026, 02:10:04 PM
My gender is fluid...my presentation stays female though. The world just sees the girl in the avatar. 🙂
Title: Re: A nervous first post
Post by: tammy753 on October 01, 2026, 02:15:55 PM
Post by: tammy753 on October 01, 2026, 02:15:55 PM
Welcome I really like it when people call me ma'am but I would have transitioned as a teenager if i lived in a more accepting world. I am also half a century old you are not alone in that department.
Title: Re: A nervous first post
Post by: Lori Dee on October 01, 2026, 02:41:40 PM
Post by: Lori Dee on October 01, 2026, 02:41:40 PM
Hi, Nel!
Welcome to Susan's Place!
Gender is a spectrum, so you can exist anywhere on it, and your position can shift. Some people feel more fixed at a certain point; others are more fluid and can change from day to day.
Everyone is welcome here. This is a safe, judgment-free zone.
Feel free to browse around and add your comments and experiences too. We all learn from each other.
When you click on the HOME button, you will see a page listing all of the various sub-forums by category and topic. Each sub-forum includes a description of what it's about, along with any posting guidelines.
Please keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL-AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets. Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.
Welcome aboard. We look forward to seeing you around the forums.
Welcome to Susan's Place!
Gender is a spectrum, so you can exist anywhere on it, and your position can shift. Some people feel more fixed at a certain point; others are more fluid and can change from day to day.
Everyone is welcome here. This is a safe, judgment-free zone.
Feel free to browse around and add your comments and experiences too. We all learn from each other.
When you click on the HOME button, you will see a page listing all of the various sub-forums by category and topic. Each sub-forum includes a description of what it's about, along with any posting guidelines.
Please keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL-AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets. Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.
Welcome aboard. We look forward to seeing you around the forums.
Title: Re: A nervous first post
Post by: Finally Anna on October 01, 2026, 03:08:06 PM
Post by: Finally Anna on October 01, 2026, 03:08:06 PM
Welcome!
☺️
☺️
Title: Re: A nervous first post
Post by: Rochelle on October 01, 2026, 05:01:33 PM
Post by: Rochelle on October 01, 2026, 05:01:33 PM
Hello and welcome to Susan's Place. That was very nice first post and told alot. We are very happy that you joined and look forward to more interactions with you. 💚
Title: Re: A nervous first post
Post by: Jillian-TG on October 01, 2026, 05:34:35 PM
Post by: Jillian-TG on October 01, 2026, 05:34:35 PM
Welcome Nel and thanks for sharing your story. You have an easy writing style.