Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Yes!  Multi-language greetings to everyone.

I've made on post in another of the forums.  But I figured I should do a more formal greetings to everyone.

I stumbled upon this place during my recent bout with depression this week, and it really fits the bill.  A place to have some support from people who can definately empathise.

I'll be 24 in June, born male.  But when I really think back I can go quite a ways and realize I always sort of knew I should have been a girl.  Though admittedly, I didn't necessarilly realize it at the time.  It's lovely when you're young and boy and girl are just labels that mean next to nothing to  you, because you don't know the difference!  Other than some of the kids wear a dress when their parents make them, some never do.

I can think of a couple things that really made it obvious to me though.  One was sex ed in late grade school.  The stuff about what girls go through?  There was a part of me freaking out because I just knew that should have been -me- too.  And the knowledge it just, well, wasn't. 

Then eighth grade, or thereabouts.  After puberty started setting in?  I started feeling it even more as I started to realize what biological and mental sex meant at a more intellectual level.  I think that was when I started praying for god to turn me into a girl.  Off and on at times.  But I'm sure I've done so for years now.  I realize it isn't happening, but there's always the forlorn hope.  It's almost like habit now.  Every night as I go to sleep.  Even though I'm more agnostic than anything.

It pretty much went like that through high school.  I never felt comfortable with myself.  And dating... well, it didn't happen.  It's hard when you're something akin to jealous of girls because they're something you're not.  It really made me feel inferior.  I was attracted,  still am.  But the problem persists.  There's just too much respect there.  As odd as that might sound.   Respect for them being something I know I should be, but am not. 

I didn't do much crossdressing - never really dared.  Though I did try on my mothers' lingerie and a couple dresses - even her wedding gown once - when I was home alone.  It wasn't a must do thing, but it was nice to pretend for a while when no one was around or even likely to be around for hours.

I played video games and read books a lot.  Escapism being an important outlet for me.  Books and games with female main characters always seemed to really draw me in.  It was a way for me to 'be' female.

It wasn't until college, and in no small part thanks to a gaming message board I was on that I really even discovered much about transgender issues.   By this time I was playing on online text based roleplaying games pretty much exclusively as a girl.  And it was extremely liberating.  This more than anything was a chance for me to be a girl.  Even if it was a character constructed in my mind, everyone just assumed and treated me as such.  I love it.  I still do so.  It's really my one true escape now.

Since moving to go to finish up college.  I've started feeling it even more.  This inner turmoil.  It sucks..  I hate the body I'm in.  I know it is wrong.

I've never been diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder.  I've never actually even gone to a therapist.  However, I'm seriously considering changing that after my recent bout of depression about the whole thing.

As for the future.  I've considered SRS, it has me worried though.  Almost like it doesn't do enough.  It's strange, as a guy?  I really don't want to have kids.  I wouldn't mind a girlfriend.  But kids just don't seem to be a thing on the agenda.  But getting SRS, and not even having the option?  Well, as a girl I definately want to be able to bear children, be attracted to men, to have periods, the whole shebang (Yeah... I know most biological women probably think I'm nuts for wanting periods!).  I've been hoping stemcell research may have found a way to make that possible... but it doesn't seem to be doing so.  And as I'm getting older, I feel my clock ticking and wonder if it might be best to not hope for miracles - scientific or spiritual - and take the real option that is available.  At least it is most of the things.

I've never mentioned this to anyone save a gay friend after he was outted to me in a way that really wasn't good (Someone said something they shouldn't have).  It made the whole situation a bit less awkward for both of us.  Needless to say?  Family doesn't know - and I'm close to them.  So this is a big step for me to be considering.  Especially since I'm the only son...

As I've said, lately I've just been getting more bummed about it.  Maybe it's partially related to my job and the fact I hate it and want to get back to school (I missed Grad School deadlines and have been having no luck trying to get an exception).  As such, I finally decided I should try and talk to a therapist about this.  See if I can discover myself.  Hopefully it will help me overcome my depression and find a drive, and myself.

Wow... I really just poured it all out.  I'm sure there's more.  But I've been writing down thoughts off and on for a couple hours now and trying to make them coherent.  So I think it is time to just post this.

So, errm...  Hi! 

Hi and welcome.

I too found online role playing games to be a taste of what it was like to be in my true gender. At first I found it extremely disconcerting. Then, when I realized what it was, it was extremely liberating. I couldn't figure out why I felt so right playing male characters at first.

It feels good to really be me irl now. I can even roleplay female characters online for fun. As long as people know I'm male irl, it works out ok.

Dennis

I started, or so I told myself and everyone else, to play girls for the challenge.  But I don't think it was ever that.  From the fist few lines I'd typed, I knew it was more right, and I don't think I've made a male online character since.  And I've never looked back in three, four years now.  I think the worst thing now is general boredom with the themes available and that making it tough to find the escapism I so desire.

I think one of the best feelings with my online gaming now has been coming out to a couple friends who I know have complained about men playing women... and them being absolutely stunned that I was.  And even the friend I knew from before I started playing girls who finally played on a place with me and was stunned by how well I did so.  Maybe it's because it is natural for me?  I don't know. 

yeah, I had a couple of female friends who I was saying, it's much easier to play a male char, you can just carry on without the harassment, etc. They tried playing male chars and couldn't stay in character. After I transitioned, they said, 'no wonder you could play male characters so well. You are male'.

I couldn't figure out what was so hard for them at the time. Playing female characters was a pain in the butt. Now playing female characters isn't as hard because I just tell them I'm a guy irl.

Dennis

Eeep!  Sorry if this post should have went to Introductions, by the way.  I completely missed that subforum.   *blush*

Hello Erica.

Welcome to Susan's.  Posting a multinational greeting is so appropriate for Susan's as we have members from all over the world.  I'm glad that you've found us and that you have started to take part in this wonderful web site.  I'm sure that you will meet great people here from a wide variety of backgrounds with a wide variety of stories.

Explore the site as there is a ton of information available both here, in the Wiki, and in the forums.  Chat is also available and is a great place to visit as well.

So relax you are among friends, and enjoy your stay.

Steph

Greetings, Erica!

VERY nice choice of avatar, BTW.  I often wished I was Nausicaä...

Karen

Quote from: Karen on April 08, 2006, 11:01:37 AM
Greetings, Erica!

VERY nice choice of avatar, BTW.  I often wished I was Nausicaä...

Karen

Me too.  :)  As I said in your anime post, I think I empathize more with Nausicaä than almost any other fictional character.  Everything from her extreme sensitivity to life of all forms, to when she snaps when the valley is under attack.  Yeah... I could totally see myself as being her.  So hence my choice!

Welcome to Susan's, Erica!

I can't add all that much to what has been posted by the others on this thread so I'll just wish you the benefits that I've received from reading and posting here and more.

Again,

WELCOME!
helen

Hi Erica, 

           Welcome to Susan's

  I have been struggling with my feelings for most of my life . I too feel more feminine and feel I should have been born female. I have been in and out of womens clothes for much of my adult life from about 20 to in my 30's. I played with matchbox cars in my early years but stopped when in my late teens and started to play with barbie dolls and other stuff. I periodicly would shave of all the hair on me save the hair on my head and try on my sisters clothes, pantys and bra's. I keept this in the closet for a long time and only recently started up again with the shaving.

Susan's is a great place for info I love it here.

Owen
love being female


   

Thank you everyone, and nice to meet you all. 

It's definately at a low point for me right now.  My outlet hobby is quickly drying up and getting harder and harder to use for the things I'd like.  So it's almost more important to get things off of my chest.  And this place definately seems like the place to do so.

Of course there is constantly a swirling plethora of things that often befuddle me and make me wonder just what to say.  Like now.

Cama'i Erica
Welcome to Susans!
Nice Introduction
(Alutiiq hello, southwest alaska)
Kate Alice

Erica, it's great to have you here at Susans!  I look forward to sharing this journey of discovery with you!

Chaunte

For what it is worth:

When I was in middle school, early teen years, I realized if clone bodies were a reality I would go forward and 'switch sexes'. They weren't and still aren't. At age 30 I fell apart and realized that even if I looked like a hag it was better than what was. I had reached the end of my tolerance. Depressing that but, oh well.

I very much understand the concern of being the only 'son', as I was in the same situation. These days, I am the only daughter. It is hard on everyone, self included, but from where I was to where I am very much well worth it.

Being barren stinks but such is life. It was not worth keeping the option to me. ^*shrug*

Please do not confuse sexual orientation (want to be attracted to men) with gender identify (feeling like a girl) two different topics that. It is quite possible to like either or both sexes before and after transition and all that. ^*shrug* Don't worry about it and be happy you like which sex(es) that you like. There is far too much worry in life than to worrying about something like sexual orientation.

By the by I could not bring myself to play with a male characters for ages now... and I have not noticed the supposed harassment girl characters receive? ^*shrug* By and large everyone ignores me and leaves me alone, which suits me just fine :P

Oh and since we are doing greetings, uh...

print "Hello Erica!"

^{*shrugs and winks*}

Kimberly:  "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."  I think that was Arthur C Clark who said that.  Though I may well be wrong.  Either way, I'm begining to realize it applies in my situation.  Oh, don't get me wrong.  If I knew beyond a doubt I could have my brain moved to a female body, or uploaded, or whatever?  I'd call my parents today and tell them - and gladly work my bum off to save up for the procedure.  I'd tell everyone, and my only worry would be some horrible tragedy occurring in the next year that prevented me from reaching that!

But as it stands, hoping for science to be able to create such a miracle seems like it is probably almost as futile as prayer.  It may happen, but in the anti-cloning technology enviroment of the world today?  Happening in my lifetime is a bit of a stretch.  Unless they invent some equally miraculous anti-aging serum!  (God I'm a geek!)

Then lately I've been thinking, even if they do come up with that.  And if I've transitioned, assuming I get diagnosed and go through it all, why would that prevent me from getting the even better cure later on?  So that's the strange route my thoughts have been taking lately.  May it not be better to be what I know I am, even barren, in the younger years of my life?

And as for the gender-id vs. sexual orientation.  Sorry if I gave that impression.  I didn't mean it that way!  It was just a strange thought on my mind.

Finally - I've noticed some of the harassment.  And just the in general different treatment to boot.  And it's still worth it!

And everyone else:  Klingon?  Wow!  I've been out-geeked!  *Blush*  -  And a couple other languages I don't recognize too.  Good show!

And thanks again.  I'm actually kind of shocked at how friendly it is here.

Hello and welcome Erica. Not much I can add here without repeating.

Welcome Erica!!

Nice introduction,I'm very glad that you found us.
Good luck on your journy.

* :icon_hug:*

Michelle

Aloha, Erica.

I sometimes wonder if it is easier for young people nowadays or harder. 

I began puberty just about the time of Christine Jorgensen.  I was admittedly curious but had submerged my feelings so far that my aim was to try to fit in as male even though feeling hoplessly indadequate.

So maybe it was easier for me not to know about today's smorgasborg of support options.

Bright blessings on your journey.

Grandma Robyn

Hello Erica,
It good to meet you.  I've already read a couple of your postings.
Keep writing down your feeling, its good therapy.
I love to dream too and some dreams can come true.
You just have to be dream a little more realistic.
Go girl.
:)
Jillieann

Well, youth and idealism and all!  Of course I'm going to dream of having the sky.   ;D

Though even as 23, nearly 24...  I'm starting to wish I'd begun to talk about this earlier.  If I'd have brought it up to my family when I was 14, who knows?  Maybe it would have been better for me to have been caught crossdressing.  But too late for that.  It's now and I am ready to start doing things about it. 

Tommorrow's really the next big day.  Working up the nerve to call and get an appointment to begin therapy.  I've already e-mailed the therapist, so I'm hoping she'll get back to me before I get off of work, before lunch even better.  It will make the call a bit easier. 

It's scary.  But I've been depressed so long, I really don't want to snap and become a statistic.  People at work already call me Debbie Downer because I'm such a pessimist and always so depressed.  They don't know the half of it.  I imagine there will be lots of things to work out, and not just the transgender issues.

I've honestly started to wonder if I am depressed because of my gender ID problems, are they the cause?  Is it a totally different thing entirely.  Yeah, I've been thinking a lot lately.  And it's really getting overwhelming.

Salve, Gutentag, Bonjour just to add a few more. :)

Welcome to Susans.

Melissa

And... so much for therapy.  Was warned that many insurance providers up here won't cover it, and sure enough.  Mine doesn't.  Which puts it out of the range of my pocketbook for the time being.

Look for a therapist has has a sliding scale price.  The advantage you have with it not being covered by insurance is your choice of where to go.

Melissa

Unfortunately, Fargo is not quite the most metropolitan area of the US.  And the only other therapist in the area is even more pricey, and not Transgender specialized.

Apparently there is a GLBT group that does some counseling though.  I was told to at least try talking to them by the therapist, she seemed helpful, trying to help me save money if possible.  It's kind of a bummer.  Insurance will cover depression, but apparently as soon as gender identity issues come into the picture?  That's it, they won't touch it.

I went to see my therapist who I knew was gender specialized for depression as more of a cover-up, but at the same time I was suffering severe depression.  Although it was clear why I was there (GID), she reported it to the insurance company as an adjustment depression/anxiety thing.  That way she makes it so I can afford to continue seeing her because transsexualism is never mentioned.  It's a win-win situation.

Melissa

Update.  The GLBT center had me send an e-mail with brief biography and why I was seeking therapy and have agreed to accept me for counseling.   I'm still waiting to hear back from the therapist herself, and it may be a little while before it will take place.  But the price should be more right.

Hopefully I'll know more tommorrow.

Hello,  I grew up in the Dakotas in the from the mid 1940 to middle 1980s and what is nice about them is that when you are accepted you are accepted.     However the road to acceptance may not be easy, especially where gender change is involved.   Now is definitely better, because then the thought of gender change was unthinkable,  except in Robert Heinlien science fiction,  but not real life.  In my coming out as a MtoF I still carry with me at 60, the inner turmoil of growing up there.   I wish you luck,  Fargo can be a nice town.  I went part of my freshman year to high school in West Fargo.    North Dakota is a small town where too much can be known about ones private life and people range from fanatically conservative to fanatically left liberal.   I was a left wing socialist in my younger days who was religiously tolerant to become a Buddist.   Now socialism is pointless.   This is not a political statement just I know North Dakota talk.  Lots of luck and be true to yourself,  for thats the way things are worked through there.

Michelle