Site News and Information => Introductions => Topic started by: Shandralyn Alaia on February 25, 2008, 04:58:08 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Salutations!
Post by: Shandralyn Alaia on February 25, 2008, 04:58:08 PM
Post by: Shandralyn Alaia on February 25, 2008, 04:58:08 PM
Hi everyone! I just stumbled across this site yesterday and am amazed I hadn't found it years ago. Well of course I had to sign up and introduce myself so here we go...
First off, a little bit about where I'm at right now in life. I'm actually still living (or at least presenting myself) as a male. I'm 32 years old, married to a beautiful, loving wife, and have 3 wonderful children. I state this because by my alias it's obvious I'm presenting myself here to you as how I feel I am inside, female. I've struggled with these feelings since a very early age. The internal conflict has been miserable, I'm sure many of you can relate. I've gone through cycles of guilt, withdrawal/depression, denial (also known as the 'if I do this then it'll fix me' stage -- E.g. 'Let's get married', 'lets have a baby', etc.), and fantasizing (my favorite means of escaping this personal hell).
The conflict and guilt has been especially harsh for me given that I am a born and raised Mormon... and I still mostly believe in the church's teachings (well, the core teachings anyway). Those of you not familiar with the LDS faith, let me just explain that they set very high standards, and transsexualism is just considered a very difficult trial you've been dealt in this life. If you act on your desires to be the opposite of your birth sex than you are considered to have sinned. The worst would be to actually get SRS done, which may be cause for discipline and excommunication (they handle it on a case by case basis, probably giving IS and AIS individuals more leniency). Were this to happen, not only is it a huge blow spiritually (if you still hold feelings and beliefs for the church), but it is very possible that family and friends in the church will ostracize you or at the very least it will be a subject of sore contention.
So as of right now I seem to find myself at a crossroads in my life. Fantasizing is a band-aid that quickly wears away and often makes me more depressed than I was before (I don't dress anymore because of this, I just can't stand the sight of myself appearing as a man in drag). I just cannot bear to let this issue remain unresolved any longer in my life. The feelings of being trapped are intense. Fortunately I do not harbor thoughts of suicide... but often I still wish for death, just not by my hand. When I try to consider this as a 'trial' that I just have to 'deal with' it just feels so wrong. I don't want to live with this as a burden on my back... I just don't think I can. It's a sad and depressing future to envision, one in which I don't think I'll ever be happy, just empty...
Since I don't like what I see down the first path, I'm starting to consider the other road, and it scares me to death. Because it means questioning things I've always believed in and held dear to my heart. I cannot express the pain I've only begun to feel as I start to evaluate the system of beliefs that has guided me all my life. It requires looking at all the times I've thought I felt God's hand in my life, spiritual experiences that I have felt reaffirmed my belief in the Mormon faith, and questioning them. A part of me feels terribly wrong for doing this, as if I'm casting doubt on my beliefs so that I can feel good about making this choice. The other part of me though views it as a growing experience, something I need to go through if I ever want to discover my true self.
In my struggle with evaluating my beliefs I'm finding a few experiences from my past difficult to explain. So that has kind of stalled me. Heck, were it not for one of those experiences in particular I dare say I'd probably have never gone on a mission, never gotten married and would have transitioned at a much younger age (yeah, it's going to really burn me if I come to the conclusion that this wasn't what I always thought it was). Understanding this one experience is going to take a lot of prayer (I still believe in God, I cannot refute a divine hand in my life. I'm just questioning whether my experiences were truly divine and if so were they really supporting the Mormon faith). I may also consider talking to a hypnotherapist to help me bring out the full details of the one memory (it happened when I was around 6).
The sad thing is, even if I still pull through all this evaluation as still believing in the Mormon faith, I may still go ahead and proceed down the path to SRS anyway. I think I'd rather settle for a lesser degree of glory and at least know a measure of happiness in this life. --If you want me to explain Mormon beliefs about the afterlife (or anything else for that matter) then feel free to ask, but basically we believe that ultimately everyone will recieve a degree of glory in the afterlife except for a select few, those that have had a full and complete knowledge of the gospel of Christ and have turned away from/denied it (the Unpardonable Sin).
Another aspect of this path that scares me to death is the potential repercussions that may result from my decision. I dearly love my children and my heart aches at the thought that I may loose them over this. I don't think my wife is a spiteful person, but she will leave me if I choose this path. And I'm certain that she won't want me influencing the children away from the beliefs of the church, so there is the potential that she will turn them against me. Plus, my children are young. They may never understand and hate me for my decision. It's not a happy thought and I know I shouldn't dwell on what 'might' be, but I cant help thinking about it. As for my wife leaving me, that will be difficult, but not so much so since some recent events have come to light. She cut me pretty deep last year, although I've forgiven her I just don't feel bound by my word to this marriage anymore. The 'umph' is pretty much gone and everything feels even more fake than before now. We'd need serious counseling if we are to remain together, but I don't want to start that until I've decided on a direction to take.
Anyway, that pretty much summarizes my story and where I am at right now. Sorry if I delved more into religion than is comfortable for some. On a more lighthearted note I'll tell you about some of my interests and other miscellania:
* I really enjoy art. Over the past year my artistic ability has really been awakened and it has served a great emotional release for me. I only wish I'd stuck with it since high school as I'd be much further along in my abilities now. *shrug* Oh well, at least I'm enjoying it now :D I only wish I could do it as a living... *sigh*
* I also enjoy outdoors activities such as hiking, camping, snowboarding, wakeboarding, and scuba diving.
* I enjoy reading, mostly from the Fantasy and Sci-Fi categories. I've also written some stories of my own but haven't really made them publicly available (except for one I put up on a popular TG fiction site, but it's really more of a rough draft that follows a dream I had). I also enjoy reading several webcomics, especially a few that are TG themed.
* I like to play role-playing games (both tabletop and computer/console based). I'm a huge fan of the Final Fantasy series. I don't play them as much anymore though now that I'm back into art, there just isn't enough time in the day to do everything I want.
* I enjoy just about all kinds of music with the exception of country and crunk rap (R&B and Hip Hop is ok). My favorite group has almost always been U2. Someday I'd like to learn to play the guitar and the piano. I've got the best songs that come into my head all the time and it's frustrating not to be able to put the music down on paper.
* I don't watch TV much, but there are a couple of shows I like to tune in for: Heroes, and Avatar the Last Airbender (yes, I know it's a cartoon and I'm 32, but it's awesome!)
* I despise those chain letters and hoaxes that get forwarded to my email. Getting glurge emails is the next worst thing. So as tempting as it is to click on the forward button to the next 10 people so your 'X' chain of events does or doesn't happen... Don't do it! Or I'll sick a pack of wild snapping turtles after you! ;D
* I despise "The Game", and damnit, I just lost it again!
* I love chocolate and cooking/baking things that are chocolate.
* I'm a little bit shy. While I like socializing in general and just having fun with people, I usually only let a small number of people into my circle of friends and get to know me better.
* I'd love to live in New Zealand. They just have such beautiful scenery down there.
Well, that sums it up for now. I look forward to getting to know some of you in the community. I actually want to get a blog going here so I guess I'm off to work towards the required 50 or so posts. Cya around! =^-^=
First off, a little bit about where I'm at right now in life. I'm actually still living (or at least presenting myself) as a male. I'm 32 years old, married to a beautiful, loving wife, and have 3 wonderful children. I state this because by my alias it's obvious I'm presenting myself here to you as how I feel I am inside, female. I've struggled with these feelings since a very early age. The internal conflict has been miserable, I'm sure many of you can relate. I've gone through cycles of guilt, withdrawal/depression, denial (also known as the 'if I do this then it'll fix me' stage -- E.g. 'Let's get married', 'lets have a baby', etc.), and fantasizing (my favorite means of escaping this personal hell).
The conflict and guilt has been especially harsh for me given that I am a born and raised Mormon... and I still mostly believe in the church's teachings (well, the core teachings anyway). Those of you not familiar with the LDS faith, let me just explain that they set very high standards, and transsexualism is just considered a very difficult trial you've been dealt in this life. If you act on your desires to be the opposite of your birth sex than you are considered to have sinned. The worst would be to actually get SRS done, which may be cause for discipline and excommunication (they handle it on a case by case basis, probably giving IS and AIS individuals more leniency). Were this to happen, not only is it a huge blow spiritually (if you still hold feelings and beliefs for the church), but it is very possible that family and friends in the church will ostracize you or at the very least it will be a subject of sore contention.
So as of right now I seem to find myself at a crossroads in my life. Fantasizing is a band-aid that quickly wears away and often makes me more depressed than I was before (I don't dress anymore because of this, I just can't stand the sight of myself appearing as a man in drag). I just cannot bear to let this issue remain unresolved any longer in my life. The feelings of being trapped are intense. Fortunately I do not harbor thoughts of suicide... but often I still wish for death, just not by my hand. When I try to consider this as a 'trial' that I just have to 'deal with' it just feels so wrong. I don't want to live with this as a burden on my back... I just don't think I can. It's a sad and depressing future to envision, one in which I don't think I'll ever be happy, just empty...
Since I don't like what I see down the first path, I'm starting to consider the other road, and it scares me to death. Because it means questioning things I've always believed in and held dear to my heart. I cannot express the pain I've only begun to feel as I start to evaluate the system of beliefs that has guided me all my life. It requires looking at all the times I've thought I felt God's hand in my life, spiritual experiences that I have felt reaffirmed my belief in the Mormon faith, and questioning them. A part of me feels terribly wrong for doing this, as if I'm casting doubt on my beliefs so that I can feel good about making this choice. The other part of me though views it as a growing experience, something I need to go through if I ever want to discover my true self.
In my struggle with evaluating my beliefs I'm finding a few experiences from my past difficult to explain. So that has kind of stalled me. Heck, were it not for one of those experiences in particular I dare say I'd probably have never gone on a mission, never gotten married and would have transitioned at a much younger age (yeah, it's going to really burn me if I come to the conclusion that this wasn't what I always thought it was). Understanding this one experience is going to take a lot of prayer (I still believe in God, I cannot refute a divine hand in my life. I'm just questioning whether my experiences were truly divine and if so were they really supporting the Mormon faith). I may also consider talking to a hypnotherapist to help me bring out the full details of the one memory (it happened when I was around 6).
The sad thing is, even if I still pull through all this evaluation as still believing in the Mormon faith, I may still go ahead and proceed down the path to SRS anyway. I think I'd rather settle for a lesser degree of glory and at least know a measure of happiness in this life. --If you want me to explain Mormon beliefs about the afterlife (or anything else for that matter) then feel free to ask, but basically we believe that ultimately everyone will recieve a degree of glory in the afterlife except for a select few, those that have had a full and complete knowledge of the gospel of Christ and have turned away from/denied it (the Unpardonable Sin).
Another aspect of this path that scares me to death is the potential repercussions that may result from my decision. I dearly love my children and my heart aches at the thought that I may loose them over this. I don't think my wife is a spiteful person, but she will leave me if I choose this path. And I'm certain that she won't want me influencing the children away from the beliefs of the church, so there is the potential that she will turn them against me. Plus, my children are young. They may never understand and hate me for my decision. It's not a happy thought and I know I shouldn't dwell on what 'might' be, but I cant help thinking about it. As for my wife leaving me, that will be difficult, but not so much so since some recent events have come to light. She cut me pretty deep last year, although I've forgiven her I just don't feel bound by my word to this marriage anymore. The 'umph' is pretty much gone and everything feels even more fake than before now. We'd need serious counseling if we are to remain together, but I don't want to start that until I've decided on a direction to take.
Anyway, that pretty much summarizes my story and where I am at right now. Sorry if I delved more into religion than is comfortable for some. On a more lighthearted note I'll tell you about some of my interests and other miscellania:
* I really enjoy art. Over the past year my artistic ability has really been awakened and it has served a great emotional release for me. I only wish I'd stuck with it since high school as I'd be much further along in my abilities now. *shrug* Oh well, at least I'm enjoying it now :D I only wish I could do it as a living... *sigh*
* I also enjoy outdoors activities such as hiking, camping, snowboarding, wakeboarding, and scuba diving.
* I enjoy reading, mostly from the Fantasy and Sci-Fi categories. I've also written some stories of my own but haven't really made them publicly available (except for one I put up on a popular TG fiction site, but it's really more of a rough draft that follows a dream I had). I also enjoy reading several webcomics, especially a few that are TG themed.
* I like to play role-playing games (both tabletop and computer/console based). I'm a huge fan of the Final Fantasy series. I don't play them as much anymore though now that I'm back into art, there just isn't enough time in the day to do everything I want.
* I enjoy just about all kinds of music with the exception of country and crunk rap (R&B and Hip Hop is ok). My favorite group has almost always been U2. Someday I'd like to learn to play the guitar and the piano. I've got the best songs that come into my head all the time and it's frustrating not to be able to put the music down on paper.
* I don't watch TV much, but there are a couple of shows I like to tune in for: Heroes, and Avatar the Last Airbender (yes, I know it's a cartoon and I'm 32, but it's awesome!)
* I despise those chain letters and hoaxes that get forwarded to my email. Getting glurge emails is the next worst thing. So as tempting as it is to click on the forward button to the next 10 people so your 'X' chain of events does or doesn't happen... Don't do it! Or I'll sick a pack of wild snapping turtles after you! ;D
* I despise "The Game", and damnit, I just lost it again!
* I love chocolate and cooking/baking things that are chocolate.
* I'm a little bit shy. While I like socializing in general and just having fun with people, I usually only let a small number of people into my circle of friends and get to know me better.
* I'd love to live in New Zealand. They just have such beautiful scenery down there.
Well, that sums it up for now. I look forward to getting to know some of you in the community. I actually want to get a blog going here so I guess I'm off to work towards the required 50 or so posts. Cya around! =^-^=
Title: Re: Salutations!
Post by: Rowan_Danielle on February 25, 2008, 08:36:51 PM
Post by: Rowan_Danielle on February 25, 2008, 08:36:51 PM
Welcome to the site.
Your LDS background definitely helps define where you are coming from and what challenges you face. Hopefully this group will help you face them.
Your list of likes and dislikes are quite similar to my own.
Your LDS background definitely helps define where you are coming from and what challenges you face. Hopefully this group will help you face them.
Your list of likes and dislikes are quite similar to my own.
Title: Re: Salutations!
Post by: tinkerbell on February 25, 2008, 08:42:11 PM
Post by: tinkerbell on February 25, 2008, 08:42:11 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi220.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fdd141%2Fgoldendragonfly%2FTinkerbell-2-5.gif&hash=5be8480c960ef48b1799ad2adf2134b3c3a7c712)
Hello there and welcome to Susan's!Thank you for your introduction. Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)before posting, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Main_Page), chat (https://www.susans.org/chat/index.html), and the links listed at the main page. (https://www.susans.org/index.html) We look forward to your future posts and participation. Enjoy your stay :)
tink :icon_chick:
Title: Re: Salutations!
Post by: Alaia on April 10, 2015, 04:11:27 AM
Post by: Alaia on April 10, 2015, 04:11:27 AM
Wow, kind of a trip to stumble upon this intro years later and read all about my thoughts and struggles back then. Annabolton's post (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,186211.0.html) asking about what happens to those that sign up and then disappear prompted me to google for my old ID and posts. I was actually surprised to find the content still here :)
Title: Re: Salutations!
Post by: katrinaw on April 10, 2015, 06:35:12 AM
Post by: katrinaw on April 10, 2015, 06:35:12 AM
Welcome Alaia... Especially to a fellow snow-sports enthusiast, personally I'm a free-skier, oh and a little crazy stuff too :laugh: also done wakeboarding, but since HRT can't manage the getting up in the water... :-X
I fully understand the family bit still there myself, but Grandkids also in the mix, about to make the change this year... we all juggle the repercussions at some stage, but it does depend on the actual height of Dysphoria within that decides how, when and fallout management. Personally I've managed it, to date ???
As far as Religion goes, and I don't profess to be a scholar in any particular religious belief, but I was always led to believe that the lord is all forgiving, after all look at the world around us!
Anyway we are all friendly, supporting, helpful, caring and wanting share our experiences...
Anyway Welcome :icon_wave: ....back
L Katy :-*
I fully understand the family bit still there myself, but Grandkids also in the mix, about to make the change this year... we all juggle the repercussions at some stage, but it does depend on the actual height of Dysphoria within that decides how, when and fallout management. Personally I've managed it, to date ???
As far as Religion goes, and I don't profess to be a scholar in any particular religious belief, but I was always led to believe that the lord is all forgiving, after all look at the world around us!
Anyway we are all friendly, supporting, helpful, caring and wanting share our experiences...
Anyway Welcome :icon_wave: ....back
L Katy :-*
Title: Re: Salutations!
Post by: Devlyn on April 11, 2015, 05:05:17 PM
Post by: Devlyn on April 11, 2015, 05:05:17 PM
Wowsers, you've been here a long time! Here's to another seven years!
Hugs, Devlyn
Hugs, Devlyn
Title: Re: Salutations!
Post by: Rachel on April 11, 2015, 08:49:19 PM
Post by: Rachel on April 11, 2015, 08:49:19 PM
Welcome to Susan's
My path led me to transition. I really had no other option that would allow me to see mid 2013.
I may or I may not get GCS (SRS). I most likely will get and orchi. My wife basically said it was my decision while GCS would lead to divorce. The reason I am saying this is if an orchi enables me to be at a point where GCS is not needed then I will not get GCS. I have a lot of other procedures I am contemplating and using this sort of rational, do what is needed. After all, if I am not around I am of no value to my family. Even if I choose to do everything and I am around then I can help them, even if they would want nothing to do with me.
Two years ago I was just trying to get through the day and see the next sunrise till I could start HRT. HRT has made a significant difference in my life. You may find that some measured amount of transition may be all you "need". A good gender therapist can help you process your feeling and help you find answers to what you need to do.
Your faith is something I hope you can come to terms with and be whole.
I had 13 years schooling in a religious school system and went to church every Sunday. I chose to go to a state school for college and stop participating in my religion. My brother and sister went to religious institutions. I had a lot of guilt about my sexuality and being trans. I ultimately decided 2 years ago to be a good person, help others and follow my own path. Your situation is very different than mine and I wish you the best in dealing with this issue.
My path led me to transition. I really had no other option that would allow me to see mid 2013.
I may or I may not get GCS (SRS). I most likely will get and orchi. My wife basically said it was my decision while GCS would lead to divorce. The reason I am saying this is if an orchi enables me to be at a point where GCS is not needed then I will not get GCS. I have a lot of other procedures I am contemplating and using this sort of rational, do what is needed. After all, if I am not around I am of no value to my family. Even if I choose to do everything and I am around then I can help them, even if they would want nothing to do with me.
Two years ago I was just trying to get through the day and see the next sunrise till I could start HRT. HRT has made a significant difference in my life. You may find that some measured amount of transition may be all you "need". A good gender therapist can help you process your feeling and help you find answers to what you need to do.
Your faith is something I hope you can come to terms with and be whole.
I had 13 years schooling in a religious school system and went to church every Sunday. I chose to go to a state school for college and stop participating in my religion. My brother and sister went to religious institutions. I had a lot of guilt about my sexuality and being trans. I ultimately decided 2 years ago to be a good person, help others and follow my own path. Your situation is very different than mine and I wish you the best in dealing with this issue.
Title: Re: Salutations!
Post by: Alaia on April 12, 2015, 08:19:18 AM
Post by: Alaia on April 12, 2015, 08:19:18 AM
Hey Katrina, Cynthia
LOL, now I feel bad for bumping this thread, you girls are obviously replying to my post from 7 years ago. Although I do see Devlyn caught on :D
I initially joined this site as Shandralyn Alaia back in 2008 and then kinda disappeared after a few months and didn't rejoin the site until May 2013 (although I think I did come in and lurk from time to time).
I'm in an completely different place now. There have been some pretty radical paradigm shifts in my life since the person I used to be originally started this thread. That is why I got such a kick out of it and reading about what I was struggling with mentally and spiritually back then. I just kind of had a moment of "Wow, I've come so far from the person I used to be."
**WARNING!! HUGE WALL OF TEXT IMMINENT**
Sorry everyone, this thing just sort of took on a life of it's own ;D
I'm in a much happier place now. I'm not religious anymore. My beliefs in the Mormon church came crashing down after years of questioning and finally with an experience where I finally realized how at peace I felt being true to who I am, and that there was nothing wrong or sinful about it. It was a hard transition though, for a time after my realization I felt angry and bitter that the beliefs I had been raised in had kept me from being my authentic self for so long. I nearly went atheist, but I realized my disbelief in any sort of God was heavily influenced by how hurt I was. I decided to take some time for internal introspection and had some very beautiful experiences in which I connected with my spirit, the earth, and the universe in a very profound way. I am now very spiritual. When others speak of God I think of the Universe, and how we are all a part of it one another. I also have an incredible amount of love for myself which came from those experiences, and that has been very important in my transition as there is so much strength that comes from loving yourself as you are.
As for my family situation, my wife and I ended up divorcing. Which, to be honest, would have eventually happened regardless of whether I'd transitioned or not. I still loved my wife as a person, but there were issues of broken trust that had hurt me deeply. I tried to forgive and move on, but it was difficult because the circumstances around what happened. Initially I knew something was wrong, but I thought it was me and my issues over being transgender that was causing a distance between us. Feeling guilty I told her everything, how I'd felt I should have been a girl all my life. I felt awful because I'd kept it from her, believing that it wouldn't be an issue (because of the mentality coming from Mormon culture and beliefs "Just get married, have kids. You'll be happy then. It'll fix everything"). My wife listened to everything, asked some questions, and then explained that she was not interested in being married to a woman as she was attracted to men. However, if I wanted a divorce so that I could transition then she said she wouldn't fight me on it, she'd support me 100%.
Naturally, what my wife said seemed so accepting and loving that I just fell in love with her all the more for it. I said I didn't want to leave her. And I also had serious reservations about transitioning. I still believed it was possibly a wrong/immoral decision, and I worried that it was too late for me anyway and I'd never make a passable woman. My wife even reinforced that fear after I told her I wasn't going to transition... She told me this in a joking way, but I don't think she realized how badly it stung: "Well that's good, because you'd make a real ugly looking woman". Anyway, after our talk I truly felt my wife and I had patched things up and drawn closer together. I started visiting with a church therapist to deal with my trans issues (not the brightest of ideas) and things were looking up.
Well, 3 months later my wife came to me and confessed that she had been keeping something from me. I then learned that the distance I'd felt from my wife before wasn't because of me at all. She had made a decision that was a serious breach of trust and had been regretting it tremendously. I was shocked at what she told me, completely stunned mentally actually. I forgave her though because in part I felt responsible because in my struggles with my own issues I had been neglecting her needs. Plus, she had been so understanding when I came to her about being trans. She said that when I had first come to her those 3 months previous and asked to talk she feared I knew what had happened. But then I told her about my issues. She said that she didn't tell me about what she'd done back then because she felt it would have been too much for our marriage to handle. And I agreed, it probably would have. So I forgave her and we made up again.
But a couple weeks after that the mental numbness over the news wore off and things started to sink in. I thought back to when she had told me I could leave and transition if I wanted and she would be completely supportive. "Wait a minute", I thought, "Was she telling me to leave so she wouldn't have to tell me what she had done? Was she just seeing a way out?" I banished those thoughts at first, not wanting to believe she would do that. Plus, I was committed to making the marriage work. We'd forgiven each other and I just needed to move on. But I was totally unaware of how wounded I truly was over what happened. I told her I'd forgiven her but I was hurting. And I couldn't really talk to her about how I felt because then she'd feel like I hadn't really forgiven her. I tried talking to my therapist, but she said a couple things that were so offensive that I just stopped seeing her and refused to see any more therapists. If you're curious what it was, I was talking to her about my concern over whether I'd ever be happy if I transitioned, whether it'd be worth it. She basically said that she didn't believe transsexuals could ever truly be happy. I was incredibly upset over what she said, who was she to say whether someone was happy or not? Anyway, after that I told her about my situation with my wife. I expressed it in a way showing that I was trying to get over it and heal, at one point I basically said "she slipped up, she made a one-time mistake. I can forgive that." My therapists response: "Well in my experience no ever cheats just once." Seriously?? I'm trying to move on and heal my relationship and this lady is saying ->-bleeped-<- like that? Needless to say I walked out that day and never went back to a see a church therapist again. :icon_pissed:
But this left me trying to deal with my emotional pain alone. It really sucked, and as that pain kept coming back, those thoughts about what my wife had initially said kept coming back too. I was starting to believe that she really did just say those things so that she wouldn't have to tell me what she did. And that belief was pure poison to the love I had for her. For while I could forgive a one-time moment of bad judgement and loss of control, I could not get over the thought that she would tell me to leave and let me take the blame for a failed marriage sooner than tell me the truth, a truth that would put a big part of the responsibility for that failed marriage squarely on her shoulders. I started to feel bit betrayed, that she had tricked me into re-committing to the marriage before dropping her bomb. I also began to wonder how I could trust someone that would sooner tell me to leave then tell me they'd made a mistake. Like I said, these thoughts were poison to our relationship and it didn't take long before I was no longer in love with her. I still loved her as a person, and loved her because she was the mother of my children, and a good one. But the intimacy? Gone.
It was sad, and yet somehow I remained in that relationship several more years. I never spoke to my wife over how I felt, but I think she just intuitively knew. She would always ask me if I loved her, and I respond by saying "yes, I love you". But then sometimes she'd ask "But are you in love with me?". At that point I'd usually deflect the conversation. I ended up in a very dark place, struggling with gender dysphoria alone (my wife asked maybe once after I stopped seeing my therapist. I told her I was fine and she didn't press further or ask again), and in a distressed marriage (not quite broken, we were trying as best we could, but it was still falling apart). I was miserable, I started to wish for death on a daily basis. I tried to distract myself as best as possible, with games and hobbies, anything that would take my mind off of it, but it wasn't easy. I became numb, preventing myself from feeling anything so that I wouldn't have to feel the hurt and pain. :icon_frown:
It was at this point that I think the universe stepped in to show me a better way. Things happened, and I feel it was more than a coincidence, it was synchronicity. It was early in 2013 and I had been laid off from my job. Fortunately I found a new job immediately and didn't suffer a period of unemployment -- I'd already done that before and it sucks. Anyway, my new job was with an employer I hadn't really heard much about before, and I really didn't realize how awesome of an employer they were at the time. I'll get to that part later though. Part of my onboarding process was that they sent me out for training in the SF Bay area for 2 weeks... Hmmm, now I wonder what is going to happen next?
Well, I knew I was miserable with my life in it's current state. Thoughts I'd locked away for years suddenly resurfaced. I wonder... could I be happy living as a woman? I was in the perfect place to experiment and explore. Before I knew it I was googling for businesses that catered towards the transgender crowd. In just a few searches I'd found one nearby, Carla's Boutique. They did makeovers, expeditions, they even had a social club that meets together regularly, and as chance would have it they were meeting together during the upcoming weekend where I currently had nothing better to do than sit in my hotel room. There was a lot of back and forth going on in my mind. I'd never dressed up and had makeup done before, how would I look? (I had tried just dressing up, but hated how I looked so much that I never took it further to include makeup or wigs) I'd never done something like this before, and it cost a lot of money, more than I should be spending. But then again... I did just get my tax refund. I could afford it... my wife is gonna be pissed when she finds out though.
I mulled it over for a while, but eventually I made the decision to get the makeover and go out with the social club that weekend. I had so many firsts that week, I bought my first dress that I'd need for the weekend. I remember sitting outside of Dress Barn and just being terrified of going in. The proprietor at the boutique had already referred me to someone there who has helped girls from the club in the past. And yet, even knowing there was an accepting individual in there I was still scared to death. Finally, with like 10 minutes to close I went in and as casually as I could walked around the store a few times, looking at stuff, but not really knowing what I was looking for since I didn't even know my size. Hell, I didn't even know the difference between the misses and women's sizes. I was obviously a lost puppy, which is probably why the gal that helped me knew who I was right away. She was really sweet and wouldn't let me put her off, which I tried to by saying they were closed and I didn't want to keep her late. She wouldn't have any of it and insisted I look around. She guided me to where I needed to go and was very helpful, I even tried a few things on and she was very complementary. There was not one disparaging remark from anyone in the store. In the end I didn't buy anything, mostly because I hadn't found what I wanted. But I did thank her for her helpfulness, the experience had been very positive. Ultimately that experience helped me have the courage to later go in to a Macy's and buy a dress on my own.
Anyway, I'm digressing big time here. I ended up getting the makeover and going to the social club that weekend and it was one of the best experiences of my life. At first I was shocked at how good I looked. I actually didn't hate the woman I saw in the mirror. Sure, there were some male characteristics showing through, but it was far from the dude in a dress I was so accustomed to seeing before. I wasn't completely passable, but I still looked pretty good. Maybe I could pull this transition thing off. Yes, I still had the 'passing' mindset, but that later became a non-issue. Because after the makeover, when I went out and just presented and socialized with others as a woman, I was shocked by something else entirely--how at peace I felt. For the first time in my life I was being myself, I wasn't hiding who I was. And I didn't fell shame, on the contrary I felt at peace. I felt right with the world for the first time in my life. In that moment I then knew that there was nothing wrong with this. I also knew that I would be transitioning, there was no question in my mind. This was my path to happiness, being true to myself. And yes, this is the experience that I spoke of earlier that shattered my belief system.
That night was an emotional roller coaster. I remember just sitting in my bed and crying. There were tears of joy at finally realizing that I could be happy being the girl that I'd fought so long and so hard not to be. And that there was nothing wrong with that. There were moments of anger at the beliefs I'd harbored for so long that had kept me from my truth. And there were tears of sadness knowing that my marriage was truly ended. I feared for the future, how would my wife and kids take it. Would my kids reject me or would they ever be able to accept me? And what about the rest of my family, and my friends? How would they take it? What about my job? I just got hired on and now I'm going to do this. What will they think? There were so many questions about an uncertain future. But in all that uncertainty, I was wrapped up in the warm re-assuring embrace of the one truth I had found, that I am Alaia, that this is me and being true to who I am is how I will be happy :D
I never looked back in my transition after that. It's now two years later and I've been on HRT for a little over a year. My marriage did end in divorce, but I think it was best for everyone. Neither my ex-wife nor I were happy. And it wasn't possible for us to stay together without one of us being miserable from compromising and living in a way that was not authentic to whom we were. Being separated we each have a better chance at moving on and becoming happy parents that are more capable of providing our children with the love they need. I did go into the details of what happened in my marriage more than I wanted to initially. I've moved past the bitterness and hurt I'd felt before, and yet when I tell people what happened it feels like I'm drudging it back up. So a part of me wants to just go back and delete it all. But for now I'm going to let it stay, only because I want to point out that not every marriage ends solely because of transgender issues. While I admire people for being willing to stick it together and work things out, no one should feel ashamed because they made the decision to separate. Sometimes it is just healthier that way.
As for the rest of my family, my kids know and are still coming to terms with it. I still get to see them, but for now I'm in tomboy mode when I do. They just aren't comfortable seeing me completely as a girl yet. My brothers and sisters are all accepting, some are more supportive than others, and all let me know they still love me. My mom and dad let me know they love me too, but mom is having a much more difficult time accepting this. She doesn't think it is right and has been trying to come up with other reasons why I may feel I am this way (like it was a nurture thing, something that happened when I was growing up that caused it). She also has told me about her fears over the 'eternal consequences' my decision will make. So there's a little bit of judgement I'm dealing with her, and 10 times as much from her husband. My dad though has been really good. He's said that while he doesn't necessarily understand or agree with my choice he still loves me and accepts me as I am. He's even started calling me 'Alaia' which made me cry the first time I saw it in his emails :)
My employer turned out to be amazingly supportive. I didn't know it at the time I hired on, but I later found out that most of my transition expenses are covered through the insurance I have with them (they paid more for a plan with trans benefits). They also had a gender transition guide already written out based on experiences with other employees that transitioned before me. As part of that plan they flew in a former employee that transitioned a few years back to do a training around awareness of what it means to be transgender, what's appropriate when interacting with someone that's trans, etc. It was really cool and I was impressed that my company would do so much in helping with my transition. People at the office treat me normally. As long as I'm getting my work done everyone's happy.
My friends from before my transition are still coming to terms with things. Some have been more supportive than others. Some have surprised me in their reactions as I was expecting things to be taken pretty badly and they ended up being pretty cool about it. Others were disappointingly not as accepting when I would have expected them to be. But I can't control how others are going to react. If my friends don't want anything to do with me anymore then that's their decision. I've made lots of new friends that are amazingly awesome and accepting. And I'm not just talking about other people in the trans community (although there are a lot of those). I think now that I am living an authentic life I am more open to new friendships. I'm certainly a lot more sociable. And I also think others see the happiness in me now and are drawn to that.
But most importantly, I am happy with who I am, right now at this very moment. When I look in the mirror I love the person I see looking back. I could have lost everything, my job, family, friends--which would have really sucked. But as long as I love that person I see in the mirror then I know I am okay. :icon_hug:
LOL, now I feel bad for bumping this thread, you girls are obviously replying to my post from 7 years ago. Although I do see Devlyn caught on :D
I initially joined this site as Shandralyn Alaia back in 2008 and then kinda disappeared after a few months and didn't rejoin the site until May 2013 (although I think I did come in and lurk from time to time).
I'm in an completely different place now. There have been some pretty radical paradigm shifts in my life since the person I used to be originally started this thread. That is why I got such a kick out of it and reading about what I was struggling with mentally and spiritually back then. I just kind of had a moment of "Wow, I've come so far from the person I used to be."
**WARNING!! HUGE WALL OF TEXT IMMINENT**
Sorry everyone, this thing just sort of took on a life of it's own ;D
I'm in a much happier place now. I'm not religious anymore. My beliefs in the Mormon church came crashing down after years of questioning and finally with an experience where I finally realized how at peace I felt being true to who I am, and that there was nothing wrong or sinful about it. It was a hard transition though, for a time after my realization I felt angry and bitter that the beliefs I had been raised in had kept me from being my authentic self for so long. I nearly went atheist, but I realized my disbelief in any sort of God was heavily influenced by how hurt I was. I decided to take some time for internal introspection and had some very beautiful experiences in which I connected with my spirit, the earth, and the universe in a very profound way. I am now very spiritual. When others speak of God I think of the Universe, and how we are all a part of it one another. I also have an incredible amount of love for myself which came from those experiences, and that has been very important in my transition as there is so much strength that comes from loving yourself as you are.
As for my family situation, my wife and I ended up divorcing. Which, to be honest, would have eventually happened regardless of whether I'd transitioned or not. I still loved my wife as a person, but there were issues of broken trust that had hurt me deeply. I tried to forgive and move on, but it was difficult because the circumstances around what happened. Initially I knew something was wrong, but I thought it was me and my issues over being transgender that was causing a distance between us. Feeling guilty I told her everything, how I'd felt I should have been a girl all my life. I felt awful because I'd kept it from her, believing that it wouldn't be an issue (because of the mentality coming from Mormon culture and beliefs "Just get married, have kids. You'll be happy then. It'll fix everything"). My wife listened to everything, asked some questions, and then explained that she was not interested in being married to a woman as she was attracted to men. However, if I wanted a divorce so that I could transition then she said she wouldn't fight me on it, she'd support me 100%.
Naturally, what my wife said seemed so accepting and loving that I just fell in love with her all the more for it. I said I didn't want to leave her. And I also had serious reservations about transitioning. I still believed it was possibly a wrong/immoral decision, and I worried that it was too late for me anyway and I'd never make a passable woman. My wife even reinforced that fear after I told her I wasn't going to transition... She told me this in a joking way, but I don't think she realized how badly it stung: "Well that's good, because you'd make a real ugly looking woman". Anyway, after our talk I truly felt my wife and I had patched things up and drawn closer together. I started visiting with a church therapist to deal with my trans issues (not the brightest of ideas) and things were looking up.
Well, 3 months later my wife came to me and confessed that she had been keeping something from me. I then learned that the distance I'd felt from my wife before wasn't because of me at all. She had made a decision that was a serious breach of trust and had been regretting it tremendously. I was shocked at what she told me, completely stunned mentally actually. I forgave her though because in part I felt responsible because in my struggles with my own issues I had been neglecting her needs. Plus, she had been so understanding when I came to her about being trans. She said that when I had first come to her those 3 months previous and asked to talk she feared I knew what had happened. But then I told her about my issues. She said that she didn't tell me about what she'd done back then because she felt it would have been too much for our marriage to handle. And I agreed, it probably would have. So I forgave her and we made up again.
But a couple weeks after that the mental numbness over the news wore off and things started to sink in. I thought back to when she had told me I could leave and transition if I wanted and she would be completely supportive. "Wait a minute", I thought, "Was she telling me to leave so she wouldn't have to tell me what she had done? Was she just seeing a way out?" I banished those thoughts at first, not wanting to believe she would do that. Plus, I was committed to making the marriage work. We'd forgiven each other and I just needed to move on. But I was totally unaware of how wounded I truly was over what happened. I told her I'd forgiven her but I was hurting. And I couldn't really talk to her about how I felt because then she'd feel like I hadn't really forgiven her. I tried talking to my therapist, but she said a couple things that were so offensive that I just stopped seeing her and refused to see any more therapists. If you're curious what it was, I was talking to her about my concern over whether I'd ever be happy if I transitioned, whether it'd be worth it. She basically said that she didn't believe transsexuals could ever truly be happy. I was incredibly upset over what she said, who was she to say whether someone was happy or not? Anyway, after that I told her about my situation with my wife. I expressed it in a way showing that I was trying to get over it and heal, at one point I basically said "she slipped up, she made a one-time mistake. I can forgive that." My therapists response: "Well in my experience no ever cheats just once." Seriously?? I'm trying to move on and heal my relationship and this lady is saying ->-bleeped-<- like that? Needless to say I walked out that day and never went back to a see a church therapist again. :icon_pissed:
But this left me trying to deal with my emotional pain alone. It really sucked, and as that pain kept coming back, those thoughts about what my wife had initially said kept coming back too. I was starting to believe that she really did just say those things so that she wouldn't have to tell me what she did. And that belief was pure poison to the love I had for her. For while I could forgive a one-time moment of bad judgement and loss of control, I could not get over the thought that she would tell me to leave and let me take the blame for a failed marriage sooner than tell me the truth, a truth that would put a big part of the responsibility for that failed marriage squarely on her shoulders. I started to feel bit betrayed, that she had tricked me into re-committing to the marriage before dropping her bomb. I also began to wonder how I could trust someone that would sooner tell me to leave then tell me they'd made a mistake. Like I said, these thoughts were poison to our relationship and it didn't take long before I was no longer in love with her. I still loved her as a person, and loved her because she was the mother of my children, and a good one. But the intimacy? Gone.
It was sad, and yet somehow I remained in that relationship several more years. I never spoke to my wife over how I felt, but I think she just intuitively knew. She would always ask me if I loved her, and I respond by saying "yes, I love you". But then sometimes she'd ask "But are you in love with me?". At that point I'd usually deflect the conversation. I ended up in a very dark place, struggling with gender dysphoria alone (my wife asked maybe once after I stopped seeing my therapist. I told her I was fine and she didn't press further or ask again), and in a distressed marriage (not quite broken, we were trying as best we could, but it was still falling apart). I was miserable, I started to wish for death on a daily basis. I tried to distract myself as best as possible, with games and hobbies, anything that would take my mind off of it, but it wasn't easy. I became numb, preventing myself from feeling anything so that I wouldn't have to feel the hurt and pain. :icon_frown:
It was at this point that I think the universe stepped in to show me a better way. Things happened, and I feel it was more than a coincidence, it was synchronicity. It was early in 2013 and I had been laid off from my job. Fortunately I found a new job immediately and didn't suffer a period of unemployment -- I'd already done that before and it sucks. Anyway, my new job was with an employer I hadn't really heard much about before, and I really didn't realize how awesome of an employer they were at the time. I'll get to that part later though. Part of my onboarding process was that they sent me out for training in the SF Bay area for 2 weeks... Hmmm, now I wonder what is going to happen next?
Well, I knew I was miserable with my life in it's current state. Thoughts I'd locked away for years suddenly resurfaced. I wonder... could I be happy living as a woman? I was in the perfect place to experiment and explore. Before I knew it I was googling for businesses that catered towards the transgender crowd. In just a few searches I'd found one nearby, Carla's Boutique. They did makeovers, expeditions, they even had a social club that meets together regularly, and as chance would have it they were meeting together during the upcoming weekend where I currently had nothing better to do than sit in my hotel room. There was a lot of back and forth going on in my mind. I'd never dressed up and had makeup done before, how would I look? (I had tried just dressing up, but hated how I looked so much that I never took it further to include makeup or wigs) I'd never done something like this before, and it cost a lot of money, more than I should be spending. But then again... I did just get my tax refund. I could afford it... my wife is gonna be pissed when she finds out though.
I mulled it over for a while, but eventually I made the decision to get the makeover and go out with the social club that weekend. I had so many firsts that week, I bought my first dress that I'd need for the weekend. I remember sitting outside of Dress Barn and just being terrified of going in. The proprietor at the boutique had already referred me to someone there who has helped girls from the club in the past. And yet, even knowing there was an accepting individual in there I was still scared to death. Finally, with like 10 minutes to close I went in and as casually as I could walked around the store a few times, looking at stuff, but not really knowing what I was looking for since I didn't even know my size. Hell, I didn't even know the difference between the misses and women's sizes. I was obviously a lost puppy, which is probably why the gal that helped me knew who I was right away. She was really sweet and wouldn't let me put her off, which I tried to by saying they were closed and I didn't want to keep her late. She wouldn't have any of it and insisted I look around. She guided me to where I needed to go and was very helpful, I even tried a few things on and she was very complementary. There was not one disparaging remark from anyone in the store. In the end I didn't buy anything, mostly because I hadn't found what I wanted. But I did thank her for her helpfulness, the experience had been very positive. Ultimately that experience helped me have the courage to later go in to a Macy's and buy a dress on my own.
Anyway, I'm digressing big time here. I ended up getting the makeover and going to the social club that weekend and it was one of the best experiences of my life. At first I was shocked at how good I looked. I actually didn't hate the woman I saw in the mirror. Sure, there were some male characteristics showing through, but it was far from the dude in a dress I was so accustomed to seeing before. I wasn't completely passable, but I still looked pretty good. Maybe I could pull this transition thing off. Yes, I still had the 'passing' mindset, but that later became a non-issue. Because after the makeover, when I went out and just presented and socialized with others as a woman, I was shocked by something else entirely--how at peace I felt. For the first time in my life I was being myself, I wasn't hiding who I was. And I didn't fell shame, on the contrary I felt at peace. I felt right with the world for the first time in my life. In that moment I then knew that there was nothing wrong with this. I also knew that I would be transitioning, there was no question in my mind. This was my path to happiness, being true to myself. And yes, this is the experience that I spoke of earlier that shattered my belief system.
That night was an emotional roller coaster. I remember just sitting in my bed and crying. There were tears of joy at finally realizing that I could be happy being the girl that I'd fought so long and so hard not to be. And that there was nothing wrong with that. There were moments of anger at the beliefs I'd harbored for so long that had kept me from my truth. And there were tears of sadness knowing that my marriage was truly ended. I feared for the future, how would my wife and kids take it. Would my kids reject me or would they ever be able to accept me? And what about the rest of my family, and my friends? How would they take it? What about my job? I just got hired on and now I'm going to do this. What will they think? There were so many questions about an uncertain future. But in all that uncertainty, I was wrapped up in the warm re-assuring embrace of the one truth I had found, that I am Alaia, that this is me and being true to who I am is how I will be happy :D
I never looked back in my transition after that. It's now two years later and I've been on HRT for a little over a year. My marriage did end in divorce, but I think it was best for everyone. Neither my ex-wife nor I were happy. And it wasn't possible for us to stay together without one of us being miserable from compromising and living in a way that was not authentic to whom we were. Being separated we each have a better chance at moving on and becoming happy parents that are more capable of providing our children with the love they need. I did go into the details of what happened in my marriage more than I wanted to initially. I've moved past the bitterness and hurt I'd felt before, and yet when I tell people what happened it feels like I'm drudging it back up. So a part of me wants to just go back and delete it all. But for now I'm going to let it stay, only because I want to point out that not every marriage ends solely because of transgender issues. While I admire people for being willing to stick it together and work things out, no one should feel ashamed because they made the decision to separate. Sometimes it is just healthier that way.
As for the rest of my family, my kids know and are still coming to terms with it. I still get to see them, but for now I'm in tomboy mode when I do. They just aren't comfortable seeing me completely as a girl yet. My brothers and sisters are all accepting, some are more supportive than others, and all let me know they still love me. My mom and dad let me know they love me too, but mom is having a much more difficult time accepting this. She doesn't think it is right and has been trying to come up with other reasons why I may feel I am this way (like it was a nurture thing, something that happened when I was growing up that caused it). She also has told me about her fears over the 'eternal consequences' my decision will make. So there's a little bit of judgement I'm dealing with her, and 10 times as much from her husband. My dad though has been really good. He's said that while he doesn't necessarily understand or agree with my choice he still loves me and accepts me as I am. He's even started calling me 'Alaia' which made me cry the first time I saw it in his emails :)
My employer turned out to be amazingly supportive. I didn't know it at the time I hired on, but I later found out that most of my transition expenses are covered through the insurance I have with them (they paid more for a plan with trans benefits). They also had a gender transition guide already written out based on experiences with other employees that transitioned before me. As part of that plan they flew in a former employee that transitioned a few years back to do a training around awareness of what it means to be transgender, what's appropriate when interacting with someone that's trans, etc. It was really cool and I was impressed that my company would do so much in helping with my transition. People at the office treat me normally. As long as I'm getting my work done everyone's happy.
My friends from before my transition are still coming to terms with things. Some have been more supportive than others. Some have surprised me in their reactions as I was expecting things to be taken pretty badly and they ended up being pretty cool about it. Others were disappointingly not as accepting when I would have expected them to be. But I can't control how others are going to react. If my friends don't want anything to do with me anymore then that's their decision. I've made lots of new friends that are amazingly awesome and accepting. And I'm not just talking about other people in the trans community (although there are a lot of those). I think now that I am living an authentic life I am more open to new friendships. I'm certainly a lot more sociable. And I also think others see the happiness in me now and are drawn to that.
But most importantly, I am happy with who I am, right now at this very moment. When I look in the mirror I love the person I see looking back. I could have lost everything, my job, family, friends--which would have really sucked. But as long as I love that person I see in the mirror then I know I am okay. :icon_hug:
Title: Re: Salutations!
Post by: Devlyn on April 12, 2015, 08:46:25 AM
Post by: Devlyn on April 12, 2015, 08:46:25 AM
That IS a wall o' text! :laugh: But thanks for sharing the good read!
Hugs, Devlyn
Hugs, Devlyn
Title: Re: Salutations!
Post by: gennee on April 12, 2015, 04:08:50 PM
Post by: gennee on April 12, 2015, 04:08:50 PM
Hello Alaia and welcome to Susan's. I truly enjoyed reading your introduction and I have to say congratulations on your transitioning. Yes, there's a lot of fear but being true to oneself trumps all those fears.
:)
:)
Title: Re: Salutations!
Post by: katrinaw on April 12, 2015, 08:34:47 PM
Post by: katrinaw on April 12, 2015, 08:34:47 PM
LoL.... Silly of me not noticing the start date Alaia :icon_redface: Haaaa
Still having said that, I had never read it anyway... so I have now...
Wow certainly a lot has happened since then, you've certainly found your true self :-*
Interestingly on Religion, I'm certainly not Atheist or full on religious in any religious belief, so I think I do understand your position now, I am a believer in a higher being as a guiding light, although I do question some... And certainly believe in Universal powers, I think there is a lot balance outside of our grounded beliefs and hype...
Anyway, the points you have raised certainly touch home for me, especially having a close transitioned friend and hearing some of the remarks from family and close friends on the subject... When I do come clean, a little later this year (got to land one of 2 hot opportunities on the go currently) I can complete my final planning and start working through my execution plans...
The end result will be very hard on my emotions, as I can predict the outcomes, although hopeful they are not fully realised, loss of everything I hold dear to me is a very painful thought, always has been tho... But on the other hand realizing my life's desires and all the turmoil of my life will at last be at rest as I move forward is a saving grace.
Clearly you came to terms with many things and have rode them out and have come out a far better woman for the journey... Its a wonderful outcome for you, hopefully we can raise a glass in the future as I reach my lifelong desires...
L Katy :-*
Still having said that, I had never read it anyway... so I have now...
Wow certainly a lot has happened since then, you've certainly found your true self :-*
Interestingly on Religion, I'm certainly not Atheist or full on religious in any religious belief, so I think I do understand your position now, I am a believer in a higher being as a guiding light, although I do question some... And certainly believe in Universal powers, I think there is a lot balance outside of our grounded beliefs and hype...
Anyway, the points you have raised certainly touch home for me, especially having a close transitioned friend and hearing some of the remarks from family and close friends on the subject... When I do come clean, a little later this year (got to land one of 2 hot opportunities on the go currently) I can complete my final planning and start working through my execution plans...
The end result will be very hard on my emotions, as I can predict the outcomes, although hopeful they are not fully realised, loss of everything I hold dear to me is a very painful thought, always has been tho... But on the other hand realizing my life's desires and all the turmoil of my life will at last be at rest as I move forward is a saving grace.
Clearly you came to terms with many things and have rode them out and have come out a far better woman for the journey... Its a wonderful outcome for you, hopefully we can raise a glass in the future as I reach my lifelong desires...
L Katy :-*