Susan's Place Transgender Resources

In an attempt not to be labeling of anyone, I am looking for guidance in defining what an otherwise heterosexual relationship with my wife might be considered to be. I will be beginning transition soon, though my wife is ambivolent about us continuing in our relationship as husband and wife. My feeling right now is that she does not want to be seen as being lesbian. I personally do not care how anyone sees us. But, that is just me. She needs some kind of validation to continue our marriage. So, I'm wondering how you see yourselves in your own relationships, if your SO's have/are stayed/staying with you.



Dawn

She wants and needs what she wants and needs, regardless of what you want or need. 

my so is a man; i'm a woman.  heterosexual, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding..

Don't matter.  He wants what he wants, irregardless of you.  Nothing wrong in that.  People want what they want, and don't want what they don't want.  No matter what that is.

Dawn,

My wife & I have been dealing with that question ourselves for about a year now.  People see us out and the first thing that comes to their mind is that we are a lesbian couple and she doesn't like that one bit.  But as you I couldn't care less what people may think about me, I'm an adult, I've raised my children and  think I've earned the right to do whatever the hell I want; but that isn't good enough for my wife she is still very much worried about how the world sees here.  So how do I define my relationship with her; after 18 years of marriage, we are two people that love each and plans on spending the rest of our lives together.

Heterosexual!  I'm a girl, and he's a guy.

tink :icon_chick:

How I would define my relationship with my wife and that is just friends. She has proclaimed that she is not a lesbian and I agree. I tried to tell her that nothing has changed except that I'm female. I didn't get it at first and now I do. She is not a lesbian and neither am I. So, we are good friends and that is it. We are older and we have been married for 38 years. We just don't want to go back into the dating scene and so we live together. That is it.
Sheila

well, my wife says she doesn't identify as lesbian either, but i know that is probably how a lot of people see us. frankly i dont care either as long as people treat me and her with the respect that we both feel we deserve. i live in ohio so they won't actually change my birth gender(M) to F they'll only amend it which in my opinion makes my marriage still very legal, and she seconds that. they won't seal the old records either. we are husband and wife, or vice versa, and sometimes we are both the wife. it just depends on her mood and who she is talking to. i actually prefer us to both be the wife, she is a very empowering woman, and i refuse to stand in her way of anything. she works close to full time and i stay home with the kids, and we are BOTH happy with that.

i hope this helps a little...
Mickie

I didn't know what 'SO' was....but I now know it means your partner and my relation ship with my partner is fine..

My SO and I look at each other as sisters and nothing more we even do things togeather as sisters
I have my own room and she hers  funny thing is her bedroom is more friller than mine even though my is very femine and we both have a lot of dolls (serious collector)
even going out to dinners we present each others as sisters and act as such
She also does not want a lez relationship (nor do I)  and I have got to admit that we are getting along even better than we ever did in 26 yrs of marrage
beside its fun when men are involved  (if they only knew ROFL)
in all we have better respect for each other as sisters and yes we even have fights (non hitting) like sisters would   we both can be in PMS at the same time (premetated man slaughter) and be bitchie with each other  we even joke about LPS (limp pecker syndrom) after we have been on a date
we both date (it was very hard at first) but we dont bring it home (one agreement) how ever we do drill each other on our dates
TTFN
Kristin

Berliegh,

SO means Significant Other, and yes means your partner. thought i would clear it up for ya, hun.


Mickie

dude & girl = straight relationship ;)

I'm androgyne, neither gender, so there isn't an existing word to describe our relationship, other than wonderful ;D It's sort of lesbian, since I'm more female identified than male... perhaps should name it transbian???

Z

How do I define my relationship with my SOs..

Complicated ;)  but exceedingly worthwhile and enjoyable :)  <3 <3

All three of us fall under "non binary" so, words like homo and heterosexual just can't apply.  However the world would likely see three lesbians.  =/

How do I define my relationship with my SO?

Over.

How do I define my relationship with my SOs?

We still don't know the right words.

Well, me and her are just two gay gals, lol. ;D I like that idea and so does she.

Quote from: Dawn D. on February 25, 2008, 05:18:13 PM
I am looking for guidance in defining what an otherwise heterosexual relationship with my wife might be considered to be.

We don't say husband and wife to anyone anymore. We're not lesbians, so even "partners" is wrong. So to strangers, we just introduce one another by first name. No qualifiers or labels. "Hi Frank, this is Kate..."

With young relatives, we're just Aunts who happen to live together. But we don't portray ourselves to anyone as an intimate couple.

So I guess we specifically AVOID defining our relationship to people. We're just Kate and [wife's name] now.

Kinda sad. It was inevitable, but... still sad.

~Kate~

Quote from: Kate on February 29, 2008, 11:35:57 PM
We don't say husband and wife to anyone anymore. We're not lesbians, so even "partners" is wrong. So to strangers, we just introduce one another by first name. No qualifiers or labels. "Hi Frank, this is Kate..."

With young relatives, we're just Aunts who happen to live together. But we don't portray ourselves to anyone as an intimate couple.

So I guess we specifically AVOID defining our relationship to people. We're just Kate and [wife's name] now.

Kinda sad. It was inevitable, but... still sad.

~Kate~

A solution that Deb had suggested was to say we are sisters-in-law.  That way people wouldn't question why we had the same last name.  That's satisfactory with me.

She drove me to the hospital for my colonoscopy about a week ago, and as you may know, the driver is supposed to stay until the procedure is over and take the patient back home.  When the nurse was taking me in she asked, "Is Deborah a friend or family?"  And I answered that she was family.  That was good enough.

We really don't need to define our relationship beyond that we are family.

Hi Dawn:

Speaking as an SO, for me it wasn't so much a need for "validation", rather it was a matter of how I defined myself.  I wasn't a lesbian and portrayal of our relationship as that was not who I was. (does that make sense).  It was the hardest thing for me in the whole relationship, for me I wasn't being honest with myself by staying in the relationship.   I wasn't  a lesbian.  The relationship just wasn't enough for me.  For the ones that suggested "you need what you need and you want what you want" is true for both of you.   It puts an awful strain on the relationship when one of you knows that it just isn't the place for you.

Steph and I would introduce ourselves as partners, that bothered me.  It was hard going from "this is my husband" to "this is my partner Steph".  I enjoyed having a husband and missed him.  Do our partners/spouses define who we are, sometimes.  But it is the relationship that we have built together that defines who we both are as a couple and as individuals.

If it works for both of you, great, but if it doesn't then there needs to be honesty about that as well.

Gill

Marcy introduces me to others as her partner Bev, and I introduce her as my partner Marcy.  That is not just to simplify matters, it's true....we're partners.  But we're also spouses.  I didn't make any changes at IRS, Social Security, etc.....only my driver's license is female.  I  have no need for the formal documents other than drivers license.....I know who I am  ;)

The world sees us as a lesbian couple, and we portray ourselves as such.  The fact is, we are so deeply in love after 37 years together, we can only be openly affectionate in public, just as we were before transition.   

I'll repeat what some others have said, it's a complicated situation.  I'm definitely lesbian, but she's not, though she will occasionally point out a cutiepie that we both appreciate.  Her relationship with me, physically, spiritually, emotionally, intimately, is because she loves me, and will be that close forever.  This is not the life she would have chosen, and had she known me so many years ago as lesbian, we would not be together today, as she would have chosen a man

So, we both get what we want......we get each other, in every way.  For me, it's perfect.  For her, it's also perfect........like I said, complicated.  Our relationship has never been better, nor more satisfying.  She feels she has the best of worlds also.  Now, not only am I spouse, but girlfriend, and we are able to share and relate on a level never before possible.

Complicated girls.....but we're in love.


Bev

Quote from: Lisbeth on March 01, 2008, 08:44:41 PM
A solution that Deb had suggested was to say we are sisters-in-law.  That way people wouldn't question why we had the same last name.  That's satisfactory with me.

She drove me to the hospital for my colonoscopy about a week ago, and as you may know, the driver is supposed to stay until the procedure is over and take the patient back home.  When the nurse was taking me in she asked, "Is Deborah a friend or family?"  And I answered that she was family.  That was good enough.

We really don't need to define our relationship beyond that we are family.

For medical purposes, I usually refer to Mary as my "Next of Kin".

Quote from: Dawn D. on February 25, 2008, 05:18:13 PM
In an attempt not to be labeling of anyone, I am looking for guidance in defining what an otherwise heterosexual relationship with my wife might be considered to be. I will be beginning transition soon, though my wife is ambivolent about us continuing in our relationship as husband and wife. My feeling right now is that she does not want to be seen as being lesbian. I personally do not care how anyone sees us. But, that is just me. She needs some kind of validation to continue our marriage. So, I'm wondering how you see yourselves in your own relationships, if your SO's have/are stayed/staying with you.



Dawn

I'm still in the early stages here, and I'm not yet sure just how far my transition will go. But the other night, my wife announced that she would stay with me no matter what. She's not bi; she's not lesbian. She's very much hetero. But, she's indicated that my happiness is important to her and she wants to be married to me, whatever body I'm in.

I cannot believe how lucky I am to have her.

I hope this post doesn't come across as boasting, as that's not what I'm trying to do. I'm just trying to describe my situation and answer the question.

I guess if I did get MtF SRS, that would make us a lesbian couple, to all outward appearances. I'm not sure how that would affect the status of our legal marriage, however, since such unions are still not recognized. Spiritually, emotionally, I don't think it would change our relationship with each other. It's not each other's bodies we fell in love with.

Quote from: Shades O'Grey on March 13, 2008, 01:31:56 PM
I guess if I did get MtF SRS, that would make us a lesbian couple, to all outward appearances. I'm not sure how that would affect the status of our legal marriage, however, since such unions are still not recognized.

It's a legal mess, basically a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. You're still married in theory... but if a particular agency (health insurance carrier, etc.) wants to contest it, they have grounds for doing so. And you can then either take them to court over it, or just deal with it and move on. And even if the court rules for or against you being married, it likely only applies to your marital status for THAT particular problem. At least in PA, there are no statewide laws deciding whether TS marriages are considered "same sex" or not. So each individual organization gets to decide for themselves. Yay.

A very unsettling situation where for the rest of our (married) lives, we basically just "get away with it" until we don't :(

~Kate~

Quote from: Kate on March 13, 2008, 01:51:21 PM
It's a legal mess, basically a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. You're still married in theory... but if a particular agency (health insurance carrier, etc.) wants to contest it, they have grounds for doing so. And you can then either take them to court over it, or just deal with it and move on. And even if the court rules for or against you being married, it likely only applies to your marital status for THAT particular problem. At least in PA, there are no statewide laws deciding whether TS marriages are considered "same sex" or not. So each individual organization gets to decide for themselves. Yay.

A very unsettling situation where for the rest of our (married) lives, we basically just "get away with it" until we don't :(

~Kate~

That's kind of what I thought. Obviously, there's a lot I'll need to think about and discuss with my wife during this whole process.

I had the same situation with my partner.  She in no way identifies as lesbian.  You may notice that the sexual component of your relationship declines but you still love each other and are still commited.  I refer to our's  as a non-sexual intimate relationship.