Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I know that we've run this poll before.  While it seems like madness to run it again, there is method to it.

I have started my next book project.  The working title is:

.

While a lot of this book will be autobiographical, I want to show that many aspects of my journey really are not all that different than anyone else's journey.  So, I may post a poll now and then to get some information.  I promise that I will warn you that it is for my book.  If you leave a comment, I may use it.  I WILL ask permission before I use your name.


Posted at: April 20, 2006, 11:45:14 PM

---

I remember going out for a drive in the country with my Mom and Dad.  Dad ALWAYS drove.  At the same time, I also had a teddy bear that was as tall as me.

One day, I "liberated" one of my mother's dresses.  (It turned out to be her new one.  Oops.)  I would wear the dress while my bear drove our pretend car out in the country.

I also vividly recall my mother being quite upset that her dress was crumpled up in my room.  The first layer of guilt was painted on. 

Chaunte

I have always felt different from other males.  While I am a CD and not TS, I have always been uncomfortable in the traditional male gender role.  My first crossdressing experiences go back to my pre-teen years when I would secretly try on some of my mother's clothing, but the underlying feelings go back to my earliest memories.

I am not sure if this is relevant to your book project, but I could not participate in the poll. Unfortunately, much like Louise, I do not entirely identify as opposite of my birth sex. I see myself as a being somewhere between male and female in gender identity, but my birth sex has never been at issue in my life.

Thus the phrasing of the poll question negates my participation. However, I doubt I am alone in my situation, and that there are experiences that could be relevant, depending on the scope of your book.

Issues of not behaving or appearing stereotypically male have been prevalent my entire life. Having no interest in any sort of competitive sports. Playing "school" and other non-agressive games with the neighbor girls. My great grandfather telling me what a pretty girl I would make. Early experiences playing dress up in moms clothes. Taking sewing and cooking in high school. Designing a bathing suit for a girlfriend. An affinity for romance and romantic stories. Being highly emotional.

And yet with all this questionable male behavior, I still also portray many other characteristic alpha male traits. So for years I experienced an immense amount of confusion. On numerous occasions I wished it were as simple as having been born the wrong birth sex.

I hope this gives some insight into other circumstances that may be relevant to your project.

I just remembered this: when I was prolly 5 or six, I would push that thing up inside me in the bath; I remember being very sad when it would no longer be hideable this way. That, and about the same time (I loved baseball; very proud of my card collection):
'Throws like a GIRL! You are a girl! Go home you can't play baseball!'; l went about my bidness, whatEVER, forgot about it, sort of, til the next round...

Quote from: madison on April 21, 2006, 01:29:17 PM
I am not sure if this is relevant to your book project, but I could not participate in the poll. Unfortunately, much like Louise, I do not entirely identify as opposite of my birth sex. I see myself as a being somewhere between male and female in gender identity, but my birth sex has never been at issue in my life.

Thus the phrasing of the poll question negates my participation. However, I doubt I am alone in my situation, and that there are experiences that could be relevant, depending on the scope of your book.

Issues of not behaving or appearing stereotypically male have been prevalent my entire life. Having no interest in any sort of competitive sports. Playing "school" and other non-agressive games with the neighbor girls. My great grandfather telling me what a pretty girl I would make. Early experiences playing dress up in moms clothes. Taking sewing and cooking in high school. Designing a bathing suit for a girlfriend. An affinity for romance and romantic stories. Being highly emotional.

And yet with all this questionable male behavior, I still also portray many other characteristic alpha male traits. So for years I experienced an immense amount of confusion. On numerous occasions I wished it were as simple as having been born the wrong birth sex.

I hope this gives some insight into other circumstances that may be relevant to your project.

Madison,

The entire transgender spectrum is quite large.  We simply happen to be in different places on the spectrum.  While I may have been a little off in my wording, your input is valuable and important!  Think of the question like this: when did you first start playing dress-up?  I would bet you good money ... heck, I would bet you a pint or two of Guinness that many of us in the transgender community started by playing dress-up.  Please, cast your vote!

Chaunte

I didn't actually vote accurately. I didn't begin questioning until I was 12 or 13. Until then, I was entirely sure I was a boy. But I think that's what you meant, was when you first thought you were your non-biological gender. So I voted early. It wasn't till I really understood that I was going to go through a different puberty than the one I expected that I realized I was different. That's when I started questioning. Before that I was certain. Wrong, but certain.

Having a hell of a lot of fun going through the puberty I expected at 12 at 43 though!

Dennis

For me, I knew things were wrong when I was between 5 and 7, but didn't actually start "identifying gender as opposite of your birth-sex" until a few years later, so I answered the second one.

Melissa

Quote from: Dennis on April 21, 2006, 11:21:19 PM
I didn't actually vote accurately. I didn't begin questioning until I was 12 or 13. Until then, I was entirely sure I was a boy. But I think that's what you meant, was when you first thought you were your non-biological gender. So I voted early. It wasn't till I really understood that I was going to go through a different puberty than the one I expected that I realized I was different. That's when I started questioning. Before that I was certain. Wrong, but certain.

Having a hell of a lot of fun going through the puberty I expected at 12 at 43 though!

Dennis

me too dude, at 49, like a 13-y.o girl. (Can you imagine the confusion of going through puberty that was Mixed? I was given T to accelerate the secondary aspects to match the external gonads. >{This is OT' a little but} in ref to your concern about never quite getting a beard, it took years and years for me (boy I wish they'd'a taken a different tack) but I'd say no worries; yer already singing bass, right?

When did you first start identifying gender as opposite of your birth-sex?

I've *always* wished I had been born a girl - at least as long as I've been aware of such differences (3 or 4).

And yet, I've never made that leap of faith/logic to conclude I therefore *was* a girl. The whole gendered-soul, "woman trapped in a man's body" thing never really caught on with me - at least not as a literal truth.

Is wishing the same as identifying?

Quote from: Kate on April 22, 2006, 10:53:49 PM
When did you first start identifying gender as opposite of your birth-sex?

I've *always* wished I had been born a girl - at least as long as I've been aware of such differences (3 or 4).

And yet, I've never made that leap of faith/logic to conclude I therefore *was* a girl. The whole gendered-soul, "woman trapped in a man's body" thing never really caught on with me - at least not as a literal truth.

Is wishing the same as identifying?

It works for me.  I think there is a difference between wishing I had a million dollars and wishing I was a girl.  The wish would suggest a strong desire that a child could not otherwise verbalize.

Chaunte

Quote from: jan c on April 22, 2006, 10:35:17 PM
me too dude, at 49, like a 13-y.o girl. (Can you imagine the confusion of going through puberty that was Mixed? I was given T to accelerate the secondary aspects to match the external gonads. >{This is OT' a little but} in ref to your concern about never quite getting a beard, it took years and years for me (boy I wish they'd'a taken a different tack) but I'd say no worries; yer already singing bass, right?

Yeah, my speaking voice sounds like a 16 year old boy, but my singing range is in the baritone bass range, so I'm not too worried about it. I figure the beard will come in time. What's pissing me off at the moment is the random patches of hair I have to shave off even though I can't actually grow anything yet. I just found a new one today just above my (new) adam's apple. Now wtf am I going to do with a patch of hair there? Hell, if I wanted to grow anything but a mountain man beard I'd shave that off. Bleh. Now I'm stuck with yet another patch to remove.

Dennis

Quote from: Dennis on April 23, 2006, 01:34:32 AMWhat's pissing me off at the moment is the random patches of hair I have to shave off even though I can't actually grow anything yet.

LOL, I know the problem, only in going the other way - the laser hair removal session pretty much wiped out my beard (for a few weeks), *except* for a dense patch here and there (side of chin and on neck). It looks SO stupid, lol. I have almost no facial hair otherwise, and yet BECAUSE of those patches, I have to shave constantly to even things out.

Life has such a sense of humour ;)

I was 4-5 years old. I could not relate to the boys harshness and knew I was different. I felt like a little girl thrown into a boy world. As I grew older I became more aware I supressed myself and tied my best to be boytuff. What a struggle...and alone for me...back in the 60's.

Love
DebTV

Dennis, If I could donate my facial hair folicles to you, I would!  By noon, I have the beginnings of a 5 o'clock shadow!  (Thus my misadventure in the minimart bathroom with a razor!  :icon_giggle:)

Deb, I COMPLETELY understand what you went through!  Back in school, I thought I was the absolutely only person in the world who thought his/her gender was wrong.  For you young'uns who have grown up with the internet, you have no idea how much of a Godsend the 'net is in learning that you are not alone. 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe what we today call transgender was originally diagnosed as "homosexual with crossdressing tendencies."  Treatment was electroshock therapy, was it not?   :icon_yikes:

I always felt different from everyone else.  I didn't know why.  I have a vague memory of playing "house" in kindergarden, at 5 yr of age, and being told that I "had" to be the daddy because I was a boy and being disappointed about it.
I started to cross dress at 12.  It made me feel good.
I decided that I was a female soul in a man's body decades ago.
I began to question if I was transsexual and should transition in July, 2005, shortly before my 50th birthday.

So, when did it "happen"?  It never did.  It was always there but in different forms.

helen

I voted late in life. I was over 55 (last fall) when everything began to change. And I too always felt different from every other guy I knew.  I love to playing house as long as I can remmber with my sisters and a neighbor girl. They guys always wanted to play some kind of ball game, but they were to rough for me. I do remember dressing as a girl a couple of times as a teen and occassional in my wifes cloths as an adult. But would never allow myself to put two and two together.
At this point I have to say i'm a cross dresser because I haven't been diagnoist as anything by my theropys.
:)
Jillieann

Kinda the same thing here, I'm 51 and the even though I sometimes would dress in female clothing through the years, I never questioned it, I just thought it was comfortable, or what's the big deal? For years I would draw myself as a woman (I'm an artist) and again the light never went off. Then in my late 40's, I wrote a story with a Trans character in it, which is odd, since I knew virtually nothing about this. I started doing a little research to flesh in the character, opps, too much of me in everything I read. Thank goodenss for the internet, or I'd still be dumber than a box of rocks.
I've always been pretty feminine in my disposiiton, but never thought to connect the dots. I never even realized the dots lead anywhere. Still in retrospect, it makes so much sense,duhhh.
I dated a medicine woman for a while, she called me "Two Spirit." That too, was a revelation that has stayed with me.

I voted in the teens range. Although now I can remember wanting to be a girl from a much earlier age. About 17 yrs is when I really realized that I was very different from the other boys. Then I put it away untill now in my 30's.

Jennifer

Hi Chaunte:
I first told my mom that I wanted to be a girl when I was three years old.  Of course she was upset but didn't actually take me seriously until a year later when I tried to hurt my own genitals.  So yeah...it's been a while since I first realized I wasn't a boy.

tinkerbell :icon_chick:

I'm not sure I can answer the poll accurately, and here's why...

As long as I can remember I've hated the image of myself as a boy. When I was about 5 or 6 my friendships with girls were much closer than with boys. I had fewer interests in common with the latter. Around 11-12, bang - the desire to be a girl and the attraction to girls hit simultaneously. (Imagine the confusion that caused over the years!) At 16 I was going to bed every night hoping against hope that I'd wake up the next morning physically transformed.

But the questioning didn't start until, through the internet, I was able to read up on the subject and come to understand that TS people aren't like the stereotypes I had learned. After that realization I went through some confusion for a few months (at age 23) as I tried to sort out how I felt and what I wanted to be - and came to the conclusion that OMG, I must be such a person!

Up to that point, to the best of my recollection I had never worn so much as a single article of women's clothing. At first I figured I'd just be a jeans & t-shirt kind of gal, but when I did get to try feminine clothes I found I like them a lot. Seems so natural, and so me, which is why I don't even consider it to be cross dressing.

Quote from: tinkerbell on June 26, 2006, 02:03:08 AM
I first told my mom that I wanted to be a girl when I was three years old.  Of course she was upset but didn't actually take me seriously then until a year later when I tried to hurt my own genitals.

Wow... had your parents explained the (genital) differences to you? Or had you seen girl parts?

I remember being jealous of the obvious, observable differences at an early age (girls had longer hair, prettier clothes, and were treated differently), but I don't think I gave my penis much thought that early. It seemed aesthetically odd, as even then I wanted to be "smooth," in an overall sense. But I had no idea what a vagina was of course, so I didn't know what was *supposed* to be there. It was just... odd.

I answered  8-14 because that was when i started living fully as male. My grandma told me a story once of when i was 3 years old and told her that i was going to be a boy when i grow up.

when i was 14 i finally took an interest in girls and dating (late bloomer i suppose) and was viewed by my girlfriend as male, her boyfriend.

-tino-

Mmm, I remember first discovering the difference in genitalia very early at preschool... the bathrooms had been unisex (we were too young to matter, I guess?) and rather open, almost communal. I didn't really understand any meaningful difference for a long time though. Other than the fact that I rarely if ever 'fit in'.

I really remember very little in the way of details of my childhood (already!), but my story is a lot like Julie's. I think it was sometime during middle school when really I started to wish and pray that I'd be physically transformed. I just knew there was something not right, that it would be 'better' if I was transformed, but I couldn't understand what it really meant at that point. Especially before I went to sleep and after I woke up, I begged to the higher powers, and every morning, I woke up wondering if it worked, but quickly realized there was something still between my legs.

But at that point, I never really thought to question why I wanted it. I hadn't even considered that I could possibly be a girl 'inside'. Not knowing that there was any difference between sex and gender, I came to believe that I was just having strange and perverted desires. So I fooled myself into thinking that I just "want to know what it is like", and there was nothing 'wrong' with me.

So I guess I didn't really start questioning my gender identity until Jr High/High School, around when I first heard of a 'sex change' probably somewhere on TV. (I... think it might have been Springer. >.< ) But even after starting to wonder, I didn't really seriously consider that it could apply to me (I was terrified of the idea. I wanted so badly to be "normal") until a couple years later. So I didn't "identify" until midway through high school, when a little bit of research "woke me up" to what I already knew and made me realize my endless recurring feelings weren't just some fantastical perversion. I checked off 8-14 though, because that's when I feel like I realized inside. It just, unfortunately, took a while for me to stop being afraid to accept it (though I still regress from time to time =/ ).

~Kaitlyn

Hi Kate:
Yes, in my innocent way I Knew my "parts' were different as I had seen my cousin's everytime we went to the beach.
I  spent most of my chilhood in Lima, Peru,  and summers there are extremely hot and last longer than the average three months; so it isn't unusual for people to go to the beach every weekend or swim at friends' swimming pools, so yeah...I hope I answered your question. ;)

tinkerbell

Tink,
Sorry this is off topic but, did you see Macchu Piccu?

Nero

Hey everyone,

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Felizabeth-alive.com%2Flizdress3.jpg&hash=c6d3c79fbb6cb17a425ebdaac0196c9b492c84a8)

Me at age 3.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Quote from: Elizabeth on July 02, 2006, 05:45:27 AMMe at age 3.

Awl... you're a cutey :)

Me around 2-3... not a happy camper for SOME reason, lol...

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fhome.comcast.net%2F%7Eiahklu%2Fkid.jpg&hash=2dc83900e636f21b6829da4a2f09c99a8ea8cc5c)

Here's me (http://www.umop.net/etc/19820927_inset.jpg) - the date on the photo indicates I was almost 17 months at the time.

I have this pic of me when I was like 9 months and my grandmother had put here wig on my head (incidentally I looked very happy!) LOL so My grand mother did this too me!!! LOL

Seriously, when I was 13-14 after I developed a b-c cup on my own is when I questioned what I was  I hated my body the girls used to tease me saying I should wear a bra and the boys....well you know the boys anyway.....And of course my mothers "miscallanous" boyfriends couldn't help to take notice.

So like Tinkerbell (but in reverse) I tried to physically cut them off with a kichten butcher knife.....BAD IDEA from a medical bleeding physical pain stand point!
I didn't try to cut them off because I wanted to be a male I tried to cut them off because I just wanted to be normal! 

Funny HUH?

thank god I passed out on the first incision!

Chynna

For me, I have felt that I should have been a girl from the earliest I can remember. Not that I was effeminate. I think I tried harder to be a "real boy" so that no one would suspect what really went on inside my head.

Steph

Poetry deleted per administrator request

Cindi

I was 6 or 7 when i went to the laundry room to get a pair of underwear from the laundry basket, seeing a pair of my sisters panties i tried them on, and have been wearing female underwear every since, thats all my mom started buying for me from then on.

Actually I started when I was 9 or so... I started realizing that I was not fitting in with the boys. I liked what the girls liked, I always wanted the girl's clothes and not the boys clothes and I grew very jealous of the girls altogether. The feeligns that I had were sooner then that I know, but it was then I began to comprehend that something was wrong. Then my parents gave me "the talk" and at that point I got very dissapointed, (that's a common feeling I know) because it felt all wrong. I looked at the girls stuff because that's what I truly wanted. (even the painful stuff, don't ask me why I want that) So really, after that I grew VERY jealous of girls and really I felt like something was terribly wrong with me, I had that odd feeling that this can't be right... The guys didn't have similar feelings as me. Plus I have always loved wearing girl's clothes and would love to do it in public, because I LOVE the outfits the girl's wear and still I wish just for once I could go shopping and buy me some clothes that I actually like.

Wow, okay I'll be quiet now.

from what my mom says I first started makeing comments when I learned the diffence between boys and girls... but I dont remember that far back personaly....

My earlyest memory I had to have been 5 or 6 cuz my little brother had just been born. I know this because I was hideing from my parrents under the crib while all tangeled up wearing one of my moms nightgowns..... Also this may have been before or after but I do remember asking my mom to buy some purple fabric to make a dress for me..... I was so crushed when she made me slacks instead  :(

I remember the first itme I put on a dress was when I was about 5.  My sister had this beautiful light blue chiffon dress and I really wanted to wear it.  I tried it on in private and then took it off.  That's about all I remember.

Melissa

I started feeling different around the age of 3 to 5, I would like to play with my sister's dolls and wear her clothes, but when I was caught I got yelled at and sometimes given the strap and told that boys didn't do these things. I remember a day at pre-school when it was a pool day, and I hadn't brought my bathers, if a child did this, they could borrow a pair from the school, my first choice was a girls swimsuit but the teacher took it off me and said I could not wear that and handed me a pair of boys bathers, I was a bit disappointed. I did try and hide the real me, but sometimes I let things, unintentionally, slip or I was caught doing something that boy's didn't do and I was usually punished for it or teased about it. During Junior High, at a parent teacher meeting, my home group teacher brought up the subject of me beening feminine, of cause I got it when they came home, I tried to deny it, but I knew I was lying to them. All through out my life I have wished I could have been one of the girls, now I can be and I am,

One of my earliest memories is walking across the room wearing my mothers nightgown and another is with playing with my grandmother's lipstick.  I have no idea what age I was when I wore the nightgown but I seem to remember that my mom was folding laundry and that I grabbed it and put it on.  What her reaction was I don't remember but it must not have been too negative at the time.

Bev

I'll be the odd one out and say that I really didn't start questioning until I was about 15. I didn't really know the difference between boys and girls as a child (I just assumed all people grew penises except mommies, and I didn't want to be a mommie so that was it). When I grew up to be a girl I kindof got over it...I was a girl to the core, though I bounced around to a lot of different styles and groups and never reallly settled on "myself" until I discovered my gender identity. I was always very depressed and eating disordered but didn't understand why until I was 15, when I realized I was a boy in a girl's body. Even then, I didn't start dressing as a boy until I was sixteen or seventeen.

maybe before i was born ;)

As far back as I can remember I wanted to be a girl.  There was a time (between 5-6 years old) that I believed that the next day I would turn into a girl.  I was completely convinced, even though it never happened.  Many times my sister and I would play and I saw no difference between her and me, like we were both girls, but it wasn't a conscious thought.

When I was about 6 or 7, I had a dream that I had real breasts.  In the dream I was walking down the hall of the house we lived in wearing a V-neck sweater.  I looked down at my very mature breasts and felt so happy and proud.  Then at the other end of the hall I see my mother.  I quickly removed them and put one in each back pocket of my blue jeans.  I recall seeing the part that was attached to my chest looked as what I imagined it would look like had it been surgically removed.  They were not breast forms.  Aren't dreams great?

Julie

I answered 0-7 but not really sure unless I can tie a memory to a grade in school I don't know when childhood memories occurred I just know I've felt this way as far back as I can remember.

Somewhere between ages 3 and 5 for me -

By Halloween at age 5, i was literally consumed by an all-encompassing need to present myself to the world as a girl, and wanted nothing other than my beautiful pink chiffon Princess dress with a tiara, hair done, makeup, and pretty shoes - i knew in extreme detail what i needed and wanted more than anything else in the world, and had no way to get it.

This was the last time i ever spoke a word of it (i made some cryptic mention of it to my mom when she asked me what i wanted to be for halloween, which she didnt know how to respond to at that time) to another human being for almost 30 years thereafter.

My heart was literally breaking in a million pieces from the strength of that desire, even at that age - it was so all-consuming that i will never forget the feelings, even from that age. Even as far out as age 14-15, i was still hoping that somehow the proper changes would come, that my breasts would start growing, and that my genitalia would somehow become something else, other than what it was... 


Sincerely,


ChefAnnagirl

8 to 14

I got scold in school for being a "naughty child" who refused to say I where a girl in english class LOL,
also I picked a male name and wanted to go by that.

I guess those must had ment something so I put my vote on 0-7 years however I first found out I where transgender when I where 12 and there I where for sure that was it.

My earliest memory is of experiencing gender dysphoria when I was 3. I'm sure that I had it before then, but who can remember that far back?

I guess I'll get into detail because this memory is pretty vivid. I was sitting on the floor beside my younger brother who had just got a haircut. I was jealous of his clothes and short hairstyle, and sad that I would never get to look like that (was under the impression that girls have to dress feminine). I was thinking about how lucky he was and how I hoped he didn't take it for granted. This made me pretty enraged and frustrated so I banged my head on the floor a few times during this series of thoughts.

This is just one of countless examples. Thoughts like this have pervaded my mind from the beginning and never stopped.

I wore female clothes at the age of around 7, no one knew, not even me, that it was who i was, it wasn't me on the outside, it was some male who needs to not exist anymore, to just go away forever.

Kind of sad, but back when I was six or seven. And I've never really shared this with anyone, this part. I'd be bathing, and would have pushed everything up inside of me wanting it to stay like that. Then I'd let the water run over me hoping that it'd make everything go away. Sometimes I'd stop soon enough, but sometimes the tub would overflow, and my father would start beating on the door, then ultimately me. I kept on doing this for a while, but had to stop because it just didn't make anything go away, I'd always be disappointed. Never did connect the dots. Not till much later. Much later.

Quote from: SandraB on November 15, 2013, 10:13:48 AM
Kind of sad, but back when I was six or seven. And I've never really shared this with anyone, this part. I'd be bathing, and would have pushed everything up inside of me wanting it to stay like that. Then I'd let the water run over me hoping that it'd make everything go away. Sometimes I'd stop soon enough, but sometimes the tub would overflow, and my father would start beating on the door, then ultimately me. I kept on doing this for a while, but had to stop because it just didn't make anything go away, I'd always be disappointed. Never did connect the dots. Not till much later. Much later.

I forgot doing things like that when I was younger, but fortunately in my family the domestic violence didn't start till later...

I really don't remember a solid grasp on the gender binary until I entered school and had to interact with my peers in a social environment and that's when I realized I stuck out like a sore thumb. It was a this point when we were separated that I felt "hey, I don't belong here, I'm supposed to be with the rest of the girls!" I remember throwing change into every wishing well in the mall (and the bathroom sink drain as a substitute) and wishing that God would make me a girl. Unfortunately for me, God doesn't work that way anymore and I changed my prayers at 7 to, "God, please make me normal. Please make these feelings go away". I would lock the doors to take my bath and put on whatever female clothes were available in the hamper and dream of the day I could be a mommy too. I would love my wife and she would love me and our baby too.... Imagine my surprise to find out that mommies couldn't marry,  couldn't make a baby without a daddy, and God doesn't like it when mommies don't marry daddies... The seeds of denial and compensation found very fertile soil and it's only now I've begun to clear it.

Better late than never? :-\

when i was little i preferred to play girls games,never having seen a doll house i wanted one, also the local museum had a display but it was darkened and therefore i was totally disappointed.
in 5th grade a boy asked me if i was a girl or boy. because i was wearing pants i said i was a boy. then i got into the boy thing but i always headed home in put on my aunts girdles and long line bras. by best friend who is a woman (even when I am in boy mode) tells that i'm more feminine than she is.

my favorite quote comes from Mae West. "Ït may be a man's world, just as long as I can be a woman in it".

My gender-questioning began at around age 10-12 (cause puberty), but I didn't start identifyig as the opposite sex until I was 15, and I didn't come out as ftm until I was 19. But I voted "8-14 years old" cause that's when I started questioning.

I was wrong though, about being ftm, cause then almost 10 years later I came out detransitioning. I think I'll always be gender-questioning, some way or another, but like that's okay. I don't need to be super sure about how I think/feel about my gender.

I portray myself as a woman and am afab. I like being feminine in my style but also embrace a lot of my male body traits that I got from taking testosterone. I don't seem to care about pronouns. Quite many refer to me as she/her and even more refer to me as he/him but most dodge pronouns altogether, and neither of which causes me dysphoria or euphoria, or any particular feeling the more confident I become.

But because I'm fine with being a bio female, present female, chose a clearly feminine name for myself, etc; I think it's the most accurate to call myself an unconventional/gnc cis woman, cause also that gives me a lot of leeway, cause unconventional/gnc can cover pretty much anything.

I've always felt 'different' gender-wise. I think the earliest I can remember was when I was roughly 3 or 4 in daycare, and adults were splitting us up into certain categories. Encouraging certain behaviors and placing certain roles on us. Also, with all the gendered toys they pushed at us. I was confused by this, and internally asked why. Why couldn't we be friends with everyone? Why do we have to go in separate bathrooms? Why can't I play with any of the toys, not just one 'type'? (My parents were great, and let me have any type of toy I wanted, it's just other places like daycare didn't.) Why did we have to be separated at all? I just pretended the best I could most of my life. I knew something wasn't right, though. I didn't feel like 'the opposite sex', as it's referred to in the poll. So, I just thought I was a weird 'lazy' woman. I didn't even see the word for my gender, agender (aka genderless) until a couple of years ago. I went into a very deep questioning phase about a year and a half ago, and realized a few months into it that that was my gender.