Susan's Place Transgender Resources

After years, and a final few months, I have determined for myself, no matter how much I stroke my few shards of male pride, no matter how much I act male, at the end of the day, I will still feel the typical and clichea "I'm trapped, I should be a woman."
I have determined the main two reasons I haven't went through with transitioning the first time I was "going to go through with it" is one financial reasons, and the other, a bigger factor, is I don't know if I could get use to acting feminine. Even since I was a little kid, I would act like a "true little boy" so I could try to lie to myself and everyone else, through my teens I acted extremely manly, wrestling, lifting weights, taking testosterone pills to build more muscle, trash-talking, fowl mouth, big drinker, partier, drugy, and I'm sure everyone gets the picture, and have endured many pains and injuries, and have been scar-ed, with pride, many times. Now that I am nearing the end of my teen years, I have come to terms that thier really are only two outcomes. One is to transition, the other is to live with it, and the many pains and insanities that brings.

My question is, does it get easier to act femine? The way I am right now, the way I have been for years, I wore a jacket over my "slightly feminine" shirt yesterday, despite the fact the tempurature was in the upper 70's. Is this fear of appearing feminine, when you are known as someone that "has no feminine side" normal?

Oh, by the way, Hello everyone.

You really don't need to 'act' feminine; if it's there, it will come out on its own. While there are some things that may require practice for purely physical reasons, like your voice or the way you walk, your feminine 'attitude' or whatever you want to call it will take over as you give it the chance.

Annie

Hi LoneWolf

Welcome to susans
I think it will get easer to act the way you wish to feel. I also think that you may need some help with those feelings and would encourage you to seek a good therapist out. The only way to "live with it", is to know what "IT" is.  Susans is a great place to start on this journey. check the links at the top of the page.

Good Luck!
Kate Alice



Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. --- Dr. Suess

Lonewolf,

Welcome to Susans!  When you get a moment, you might want to wander over to the introduction page and tell us a little more about yourself.

Have you spoken about your feelings with anyone yet?  Councilor?  Parents?  Your doctor?  Finding a non-judgemental person you can talk with about your feelings would be a really good thing to do.  It will do wonders to help keep your head on straight.  I know this from personal experience!  :)

Right now, I am assuming that your entire world is turning upside down.  Talking with a councilor or therapist will help you accept yourself.  THat's the first step.  If you find that your feelings of femininity and womanhood are growing, a therapist will help you take the next step that is right for you.

Personally, the more I live as me, being a woman is less an act and more a sence of becoming.  Patience is a virtue as I am finding out.  Find someone to talk with and the next steps will happen.

Peace,

Chaunte

dont worry lonewolf...it will come so much more naturally than you can imagine. as soon as you stop letting what people think shape the way you act it will snowball. for me it wasnt acting feminine or masculine so much as being how i felt i wanted to be and not how everyone else thought i should be. talk to a therapist...it will help you sort through all the crap society has placed on you. the beginning is scary...the rest is cake.

Very true.  I have to "act" to appear male, of which I don't try that hard to do anymore.  Many transsexuals fail to realize that the whole point of transitioning is not so you can act female, but so that you can act yourself.  I'm sure I will have some masculine traits, but that's a result of being brought up as male.  I feel more comfortable as female and when I appear male, I feel like I have to hold back a lot of my femaleness to avoid being ostracized.  However, I apparently don't do such a good job as I have been told I appear like a gay man.  Oh well, many women like being friends with gay men and I need more female friends.

Melissa

I find that the feminine mannerisms are there, but what I have to deal with is overcoming the shame that I feel when I display them.  Even alone, at home, when I tried to speak with a female voice i would feel ashamed.  Baggage from the past...I was caught at 14.  Dad found my stash and my journal.  It has taken many years to overcome that day in my mind.

One of the hardest things for me to do it sit like a lady.  All these years of sitting as a slouchy male have conditioned my legs for it, and to cross them or keep my knees together takes a concious effort.  Crossing them is just plain uncomfortable.

Best of luck.  The woman within will shine out, give it time.

Jonna

Quote from: Jonna on April 29, 2006, 04:43:29 PM

I find that the feminine mannerisms are there, but what I have to deal with is overcoming the shame that I feel when I display them.  Even alone, at home, when I tried to speak with a female voice i would feel ashamed.  Baggage from the past...

Hello, I hear that bell ringing again!  Well said!  That's the best part of coming to terms with myself -- I get to remind myself that I no longer have to censor myself and force myself to 'act' male.

But I do want to get rid of 'the guy'.  He keeps jumping in and taking over (conditioning) while I stand there dumbfounded to find myself doing that stuff again.

As to trying to cross my legs at the knee, rather than resting the ankle or calf on top of the knee -- It's uncomfortable, and isn't any good at propping books/magazines on.  But it does seem to happen more naturally when I'm wearing a dress or skirt.  And anyway, there are G-girls who, while wearing pants, cross their legs figure-four style.  I'm not going to worry about it so much, and I'll second what Melissa said in bold  ;)

Karen

I haven't talked to anyone, except for people on online forums. A few months ago, I was looking for a therapist, but I thought I might have another chance at burying the inner woman that wants to come out.

Guess I really never paid much attention to notice women sit differently then men, except for having thier legs crossed, but my massive leg muscles make that impossible for me to do at the moment.

It also helps my self-esteem knowing others feel/felt ashamed, even in private. I have been hitting my head on the wall whenever a femine voice starts to come out.

The issue I had with my voice wasn't a matter of shame; I just felt downright silly using it to actually talk to anyone! Eventually, I realized that the problem was that I felt like I was "doing" someone else, like an impressioinist "does" George Bush or "does" John Wayne. That's fine when you're being funny, but not so good when you're trying to be you.

Finally, I realized that instead of impersonating a female voice, I had to find one of my own. I worked on raising the pitch slightly, using more breath, and eliminating the male resonance. This was actually me, just somewhat modified. It's still not perfect, but I have something I can use and work on without feeling like a dork.

Perhaps some of the shame you feel is for this same reason; you're imitating someone else rather than modifying 'you'. Be yourself, then find ways to slowly shift things in the direction you want to go. It might feel a lot better.

Annie

Lonewolf,
I used to have very much the same feelings as you had before I began to go out in public as "me".  Notice I didn't say the "female me" - just "me". 

My therapist told me several times before that "first outing" that I would have to "let go" and just be myself.  Over the course of several more times, I realized that she was right.  And more importantly, I realized that "me" is just who I am, even when I'm in total male mode for my job.

I guess my point is, if you are truly yourself, if you just seek out and find what is totally comfortable for you, then your gender presentation isn't going to be a worry for you.  You will be who you really are.  That may not happen for a while - it's been over a year now since I first ventured out as a person who appears female to the world, and I'm still figuring out what's "comfortable" for me.  I've decided that I can't hurry it along, so I've just decided to live with it, and enjoy every moment that I can be the gender that I feel inside (female).

Carol

I too find it hard to act feminine.  The thing about me is that sometimes I wonder if I'm a little more middle of the road than one or the other.  I'll get upset if I don't "feel" feminine, but at the same time I get upset when I "try too hard."  And I'm still having trouble letting go of the "guy" since I'm currently living with my parents while I pay off some unrelated medical bills.  I still see the occasional sideward glance and subsequent roll of the eyes from my father.  It was only recently that I decided to live "out" at home.  And I'm afraid that every time I don't present a convincing argument for him, he'll turn around with an "I told you so" speech.  Hence my trying too hard sometimes.

And no matter what, I can never be comfortable with my voice.  It's very deep, and when I try raising the pitch I end up in some crazy mickey-mouse falsetto.  About the only thing voice-wise that I've managed to do so far is a feminine giggle.  It has almost completely taken over my usual laugh, and I like that.  It's the small advances that are satisfying.

There are times when I will question myself over whether I really want to go through with this ... and honestly there have been times when it feels so compelling to just forget the whole thing and go back to being an awkward guy.  But every morning I get up and take my pills like I should.  No matter how persuasive the argument for giving up, there is a part of me that just cannot let go of the little progress I've seen already.

Quote from: LoneWolf on April 29, 2006, 07:51:05 PM

I have been hitting my head on the wall whenever a femine voice starts to come out.

Oh, don't worry -- as you transition, you'll start hitting your head on the wall every time the masculine voice comes out  ;D

Karen

Welcome to the boards.

Been there and done that for a lot of what you posted.  Weights, muscles, whatever to fit in.  Destroyed a perfectly feminine body, well almost did anyway.  Cannot help on the mannerisms as mine were always there and I had to strive to not use them while hiding out as a boy.  Probably best thing is to get a therapist who is familiar with GID and go from there.

There are probably steps as you transition:

(1) Tentative, nervous, with voice or attitude coming out wrong from time to time.  You're nervous as heck, wondering if you'll EVER stop feeling like you're POSING as someone else.

(2) Learning, as Annie Social points out, "on raising the pitch slightly, using more breath, and eliminating the male resonance. This was actually me, just somewhat modified."  Eliminating resonance and adding breath, in my opinion, can be just as important as pitch.

(3) People accept you as female on sight and have EXPECTATIONS of you and you find yourself meeting those expectations consciously, then subconsciously.  For example, men around you are whooping it up after a basketball slips into a metal hoop.  You smile at your newfound sophistication.  Other times, you watch a sad movie and cry.  You don't have to hide the tears anymore.  You no longer are a prisoner of "boys don't cry."

(4) 95% you are YOURSELF, a female.  Some rare occassions, a loud laugh might emerge and you hope like the dickens that no one notices.  Most of the time, no one does.  You are you.  Being female now allows you to have a greater variety of feelings and expressions and there's a sense of freedom that comes from escaping the confines of the man/box.  And you wonder why men don't want male-liberation.  Do they really LIKE ties?

Teri Anne

Heh, ties don't bother me. Do you really LIKE bras? Given the choice, a tie wins hands down with me :)

I am at a stage where I'm not used to being slapped on the back by other guys. Always takes me by surprise. It happened again tonight. So I'm not quite there yet. But your stages are very good, Teri-Anne. It describes the process well.

Some of this is socialization, and it's socialization that we missed out on.

Dennis

Of course a tie wins for you Dennis, your a Man, why would a man want to wear a bra?

Sarah

Cute response, Sarah, lol.  Dennis, thanks for the kind words.  As I consider what you said, tho, at least bras provide some logical function other than decoration.  But, of course, women have a multitude of items used for decoration.  Is there any logic in high heels, facial makeup, nail polish or long (time consuming) hair?

Again, it's interesting what you said, Dennis, about the pat on the back.  I've had no trouble adapting to hugs instead of handshakes and back pats.  I look forwards to a world where everyone does everything.  But, as you say, it's socialization that makes us act in certain ways rather than other ways -- And that fits neatly into my third point of societal EXPECTATIONS which you first follow consciously, then subconsciously.  It becomes second nature.

So, Lonewolf, no worries.  You are like a baby duck taking your first steps into the water and learning to swim.  As the old song goes, "Que sera, sera.  What will be, will be."  Whatever that is will come in time.  Relax and enjoy the swim.

Teri Anne

Quote from: Dennis on May 04, 2006, 01:42:42 AM
Heh, ties don't bother me. Do you really LIKE bras? Given the choice, a tie wins hands down with me :)
Dennis

LOL.  I used to work for an electronics company, commission sales.  They had a big thing about ties even though they were going a bit out of vogue back then.  We were told brown, grey, or black suits only (even though a regional manager had, I kid you not, a plaid leisure suit and this was in the late 80s) with wide ties.  My hawaiian shirts with sunglasses on Fridays (local radio station had "Gonzo" Fridays in which they encouraged people to dress this way) was banned.  During one meeting the manager restated that we had to wear the wide ties, no exceptions.  At that time we had a woman on staff and we quickly pointed out that she did not have to wear ties.

To which the manager said, "Yes, but she has to wear a bra."  Of course I immediately piped out and asked, "So if I wear a bra, I don't have to wear a tie?"

Needless to say that was not an acceptable solution although it did make him a bit red in the face from laughing. 

I agree to letting you just be yourself,
At first that sounds too common of a response, even to me now. Almost a worthless answer. Seems just like an easy answer. Sometimes the best answers are the most simple and somewhat obvious ones. In trying to learn any behavior, one would not wish to replace one "act" for another just as false act/behavior. Unless thats what one does for a living, aka actress/actor.

Truth and nature should rule ones behavior.

Shame on the otherhand can be believed to be a huge Real block. Mostly a perceived fear that many have. And an obstacle all most confront, climb, and overcome, or give in and continue living the same shadowy false self, if it is truely a false self. Faith, trust, and believing in oneself is the way to overcome shame. Developing pride, confidence, and honest acceptance. There are hundreds of books, videos, systems, and therapy to help in that department. Tips and techniques to overcome this mostly false blockade.

Femininity itself is diverse and unique to all. So yes you learn new things by trying new things. And see what you like. This may be part of what you posted about. And something you may come to like will become unique to you, or you may find another smaller group that shares similar likings.



Its time to work on some self discovery, understanding, having faith inside, exploring possibilities, building confidence, being honest, accepting, believing in what you have (talents, abilities, desires, wishes), and even pride in one's true self.

Quote from: Melissa on April 29, 2006, 01:03:47 PM
Many transsexuals fail to realize that the whole point of transitioning is not so you can act female, but so that you can act yourself.

Melissa

I agree completely with what Melissa wrote.  In the process of accepting myself I have come to understand that it is an inward journey for me.  I am learning to see myself for who I am and not how I believe others see me.  Put the power of defining yourself in your own hands, then just be yourself.  There is no one standard of what being feminine means.

Molly

Quote from: Annie Social on April 28, 2006, 07:49:24 PM
You really don't need to 'act' feminine; if it's there, it will come out on its own. While there are some things that may require practice for purely physical reasons, like your voice or the way you walk, your feminine 'attitude' or whatever you want to call it will take over as you give it the chance.

Annie

I have to agree with Annie.  If you are a transsexual there is no need to act as the femininity should be there, personally I feel that acting is best left to those who pretend.  You need to live not act.  May be a little blunt but it just my opinion.

Oops sorry, I'm being rude.  Welcome to Susan's.  Sorry if I seem short and to the point but being transsexual, transition, etc, etc.  can have tragic consequences in so many different ways, so be you, don't act the way you think others would want you to.  Femininity is perceived many different ways.

Be you.

Steph

Some really good advice in this thread and - importantly - told with humor.

The humor IS important.  If we can't get an occasional chuckle out of ourselves or our friends about some of our transition experiences, the alternative can be to buy into the fear.

There can be some scary moments in transition,  The first time I boarded a ferry for a GID counselor session in Seattle, I was sure they'd (the ubiquitous 'they') would kill me and throw my body overboard into Puget Sound.  'They' didn't, and I received a mix of glances, stares, and warm smiles.   That story has been published in a TS book.

Later, as I found my hair and clothing style, I developed a weapon against the stare.  It consisted of a bright smile at the person and a steady onward pace.  Note the past tense.  Now if a guy (usually older) or gal stares, my husband says it's because they're checking out a foxy older woman.

The first thing to change when I began transition was my walk.  Without any conscious thought, my walk changed from a long stride to shorter steps.  I did take a 6 week group voice clinic at the U of Washington, which helped with style and gestures,  My pitch went up 3 notes without knowing how, exactly.  I'm in the gender neutral range and almost always get maamed on the fone, even with a gender neutral name.

So things work out over time.  Try not to be self-concious.  Be ready to look passersby in the eye with a smile and even to laugh. 

Oh, and crossing your legs?  Not to worry.  The important thing is to keep your knees together while letting your legs assume a comfortable slant (both feet a little to one side or another).  Try it.

Enjoy the journey.