Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm in tears as I write.  Never been on a chat line...don't even know how to post...tells the reader how desperate I am for support.  Have been dealing with this issue that my husband wants kept secret, by myself and as a result cry myself to sleep every night, and, fankly I don't know why...why the knowledge that my handsom, verile, love of my life, is a crossdresser, something he said he'd kicked eight years ago, but with the advent of our relationship a year ago is now doing every day (i.e wearing pantyhose and night gowns).  I'm so hurt and disappointed I can even look at his picture let alone want to be touched by him.  Before he returned to his CD ways, I couldn't wait for us to have sex..not any more...it sucked the wind right out of my sails.  The thing is, I love him..don't want to hurt him so it is he doesn't know I cry all the time.  My issue isn't a religious one, and I'm not prejudice in regards to sexal fetishes as long as I'm not asked to be involved.  I live in a very small town on the edge of the horizon.  No support groups, or library for that matter.  My husband and I are 50 and 55.  I knew he was a CD before I married him.  Thought I could handle it. Whats wrong with me???

oh gosh dear, nothing is wrong with you, and nothing is wrong with him either.  How easy it would be to say something else.  But it would not be true.

In all honesty, and not to put too fine a point on it - if he is still hot to have you, does it make a difference what he wears to do it.  After all, I'm sure he get all hot and bothered for you when you are flying the flannel check gown.  So, does it really matter?

You were aware going in.  So, would you rather he want to wear the skirt, or just chase them?

i'll have to definitely agree with Tekla on this one. i told my wife going in to our marriage that i never reall fit in as a guy and felt was a woman. but i knew i had to hide it from her family and such. are you sure it's a sexual fetish? for some of us, it isn't. i think my crossdressing turned out to be more of a fetish for her moreso than me as she prefers me to wear skirts to pants...lol. tell him how you feel, if he loves you enough and its just cd-ing, he won't do it in front of you, but he also may want to include you in it and that is why he is doingit in front of you. myself personally i love it when my wife does my hair and makeup, its a bond i hope to one day share with my daughters.

i also told my honey the following line with a little variation:

You were aware going in.  So, would you rather he want to wear the skirt, or just chase them? if you can't handle it, i'll accept it if you want to leave and not want anything to do with me.

this july we will have been together 8 years and hopefully many more after that.

Best Wishes,
Mickie

I can't speak for anyone but myself. For me, cross-dressing is NOT a sexual fetish. I feel I don't quite fit into my male body, but at the same time I don't think I'd fit properly into a female one. So, I cross-dress from time to time.

My wife found me a bit feminine before we were married, and we've been married for 19+ years now. She doens't have a problem with what I am, but she's not you.

I'd say that quite likely, your husband's cross-dressing has nothing to do with you. That is to say, there's nothing wrong with you.

Perhaps you need to talk openly with him about this.

Hello Toto and welcome to Susan's!

Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)before posting, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Main_Page), chat (https://www.susans.org/chat/index.html), and the links listed at the main page. (https://www.susans.org/index.html)  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay :)

tink :icon_chick:

Answer to your true feelings is that it does hurt for both of you .I came out to my wife of 35 yrs recently and we still having great difficulty to help each other understand.The good news is we love each other more now because of our marriage of 35 yrs and that will get us to a mutual place because we love and respect each other .You both have to understand each others feelings ,it goes along ways ,love is very strong

Dear Toto, I've been with my wife 15 years this month, married 15 next March. When I came out she had a hard time with it. I've threatened with divorce on several times before we came to an agreement. I agreed that I would only do the CDing, when I have permission, and now I do tasks around the house to earn the right. She eventually overlooked my fem side, and would rather have me wearing the skirt, than chasing them. I hope this helps. Best Regards... Jo

@ Toto:

I'm in tears as I write.  Never been on a chat line...don't even know how to post...tells the reader how desperate I am for support.   

If it is support you seek, then most assuredly, you have come to the right place ... Susan's Place.  We're VERY open-minded and VERY caring.

Have been dealing with this issue that my husband wants kept secret, by myself and as a result cry myself to sleep every night, and, fankly I don't know why...why the knowledge that my handsom, verile, love of my life, is a crossdresser, something he said he'd kicked eight years ago, but with the advent of our relationship a year ago is now doing every day (i.e wearing pantyhose and night gowns). 

There is no shame whatsoever in crying, hon.  In fact, it's therapeutic and healthy.  You are startled and shocked ... at a deep level.  That's not to say that this is necessarily a bad thing.  More on that in a bit.

I'm so hurt and disappointed I can even look at his picture let alone want to be touched by him.

You are being HONEST, and that's wonderful.  Identifying the issue is a huge step toward resolving it.

Before he returned to his CD ways, I couldn't wait for us to have sex..not any more...it sucked the wind right out of my sails. 

Again, you are being candid, frank, ernest.  You are facing your issue point-blank.  If this is your own, personal reaction to the circumstance, then it is.  It is neither good nor bad.  It just is.  The fact that you clearly know what your issue is bodes very well toward facing it and, hopefully, resolving it.  Now, what exactly is the issue?  Shame?  Disgust?  Anger?  Why? 

The thing is, I love him..don't want to hurt him so it is he doesn't know I cry all the time.  My issue isn't a religious one, and I'm not prejudice in regards to sexal fetishes as long as I'm not asked to be involved.

Wonderful that you love him.  Count yourself as VERY lucky that you have somebody to love in the first place and that you do, in fact, love him deeply.  Not everybody is so fortunate.

Okay, so you don't want to be involved in any sexual fetishes.  Not a problem.  Ah, but IS what he's doing actually a sexual fetish?  Perchance, it is NOT.  Let all of us reassure you that you've definitely happened upon the right place to address an issue like this.  Research this website's Wiki Section and its various and sundry links.  You will find LOTS of information that is GOOD information ... about matters like these.

I live in a very small town on the edge of the horizon.  No support groups, or library for that matter.  My husband and I are 50 and 55. 

Understood about your likely isolation in such a locale.  Support?  Information?  We have plenty to go around right here.  Welcome!  Ages 50 and 55?  Plenty of us here are among that demographic ... yours truly included.

I knew he was a CD before I married him.  Thought I could handle it.

Excellent!  Again, it's good because the issue is right up front and in plain view.  Right now, you're both surprised and startled ... facing the issue first-hand, apparently, for the very first time.  Can you handle it?  I'm going to say, "Yes!"  Tell you why in a moment.

Whats wrong with me???

Frankly, I don't think anything is wrong with you.  This is your own, individual reaction, so it's okay.  Perception is reality.  What are you perceiving?  Sometimes, often times, it's all a matter of perspective.  One perspective is ... what you're experiencing right now: "OMG!  Oh, no!"

Another perspective is:

You are VERY blessed!!!  You HAVE somebody.  You LOVE somebody.  You MAKE LOVE with somebody.  There are those of us here, and the world over in fact, who have nothing of the sort ... and desperately, fervently, urgently WANT what you HAVE!

Of course, I speak only for myself here, but I'd give the world, allegorically-speaking, to have what you have.  NOT having somebody ... somebody to love ... somebody to make love with ... drives me to the brink of suicide, and I'm admitting it freely here. 

Hon, I'd be beside myself with joy to have a woman to love, and I don't care if she's dressed like Arnold Schwartzenegger in "Terminator" and is wearing a doggone strap-on.  Yes, my preference is for women; moreover, I detest straps-on.  The whole point is ... having somebody.  You do!

Count your blessings!!!  Don't mean to sound harsh.  Of course, you're upset.  Nothing wrong with you.  You're just grieving.  Not a problem.  It's therapeutic, actually.  Maybe the best days are yet to come betwixt the two of you.  Certainly hope so.  May it all work out well for you.  Give it time, for time has a way of healing. 

Peace   ...    ;)   ...   Lacey