Susan's Place Transgender Resources

It's nice to be here, and I'm glad that I can finally start asking the right people all my questions. :-)

Well, I suppose I shall tell you my life story...

Growing up as one of three sisters who were all raised by a single mom, I was surrounded by loads of femininity. I have but one brother, and he was whom I gravitated towards constantly as a younger child. Between the other girls, I never once felt as if I fit in, or as if I were "one of them." Instead, I happily accepted the role that my older brother gave me, which was "adopted brother." One could say that I was a tomboy to the extreme all throughout my growing years, but it ran so much deeper than that (which I will talk about more in a bit).

My mother raised us girls under the standard of Apostolicism, which enforced the rule that all females should have uncut hair and wear long skirts or dresses. As you can imagine, this caused quite an amount of confusion for me. But, moreso, it caused bitterness and frustration at not being able to express my masculinity. I didn't care about makeup or dolls or fashion; I wanted to play in the dirt, catch spiders and snakes, wrestle, compete, and "hang with the guys." But, more than that, I wanted to be one of the guys.

You see, from a very early age on, I felt that I should have been a boy rather than a girl. Also from a very early age on, I was attracted to other girls, which only caused more confusion because I was raised to believe that it was wrong to think in such a way. But that didn't stop me from trying to be a guy. I was never "girly," so that wasn't the problem. But I hated just about everything that had to do with being a girl. I didn't even want to pee sitting down. I tried countless times to pee standing up whenever I was younger, only to be disappointed by the fact that it would run down my legs and onto the floor, instead. ::)

So, as you can imagine, I started complaining about hating the way that I had to dress. When I was given the option to finally wear pants in sixth grade, I immediately shopped in the boy's section. I wore baggy jeans and huge sweatshirts and boys' tennis shoes, and I naturally walk like a guy, anyway, so I was already that much closer, in my head. Then, as societal norms got to me, and my sisters pressured me, I allowed them to pick out and buy clothes for me. Inevitably, my wardrobe became more and more feminine over the years. Today, if one did not know me better, they would say that I am a completely "normal" female.

But I don't want to be. I never have.

When I turned 18 last July, I immediately cut off all two-and-a-half feet of my hair, trying to go for a more boyish haircut. I was hoping to get more responses like, "Oh no, you look like a boy!" To which I would have gladly responded, "Thank you!" But the attempt backfired. Everyone thinks that my new haircut actually gives me a more feminine look. >:( They think that I am pretty. I want to be handsome.

Another problem that I have encountered: my D-cup breasts. No matter how large a shirt I wear, it seems that I cannot hide them. I wish they weren't there, but I can't yet consider getting them surgically removed. I wish I were more courageous, but I keep saying, "Would that be what I truly want?" My whole being says "Yes!" but I am still held back from too many years of all the "right" things being ingrained into my head.

Thus, I am here because I want to genuinely begin my journey into exploring my masculinity, and wanting to turn my outward appearance into a male. It will be hard because I am so distinctly female (high cheekbones and heart-shaped face, large breasts and large hips). It is so discouraging...

Thank you for the support!

Heya Kris,

I'm mystic, I'm new here as well. It was good to read your story, you explained yourself well. I am not a trans, I am here to learn about the trans community, I am gay, and only been living in my gay life for two years.

I am sure you will get there and get to your handsomeness ;). It will take time to break down those walls
of being told what is right, I know I had to go through that too. It's nice to meet you.

It sounds like this is a brave step of you to sign up here, and cutting your hair was a step as well, like I said, I am sure you will get there!
I got faith in ya.


mystic

Thank you very much for your kind welcome. :)

You're right whenever you say that this was a huge step for me; it took me a while to look for a place like this, but I'm so glad that I finally did. I'm beginning to accept me for who I am, instead of trying to be who everybody else wants me to be.

Welcome, Kris.  You'll find lots of info and opinions from the FTMs here.  Some from the MTFs and Androgynes can be useful to you, too.

For example, the next big step you should consider is finding a gender counselor.  You will need one before such steps at testosterone and chest reconstruction surgery.  The sooner you begin counseling, the sooner YOU will find YOUR answers.

We have lists of gender counselors at https://www.susans.org/Medical/Therapists_and_Counselors/ .  (We're always looking for additions and updates, dear readers.)

Enjoy the journey.

Robyn

Hi Kris,

    Nothing is right but what you decide for yourself.   It may take a little time to shed your upbringing and to become entirely comfortable with having done that.   The thing to remember is that there is no need to rush.  You have plenty of time to work out how you feel and what kind of plan you need to get you where you want to be.

    Hang around and steal knowledge and experience from us.   It's what we are here for.


I wish you well,


Rebis

Thank you all very much for your advice. ^_^

I'm not looking to do anything drastic at this time (surgically speaking, that is). I'm sticking to just cutting my hair and dressing as boyish as possible, as well as slowly (very slowly) altering my appearance to what I perceive as masculine, which includes letting my eyebrows grow in, binding my breasts as much as I can, not shaving my legs so that I can see how I like it (while hiding this fact beneath jeans around family and friends until I can be sure about things), and working out to get as much muscle definition as possible.

If I decide to ever do anything surgically in the future (which I very well might), I would need to wait a while, anyway, until I can build up my credit and establish a well-paying job.

Right now, I'm just dipping my foot into the water, so to speak.

Thank you all again! :)

Hello Kris and welcome to Susan's!

Thank you so much for your introduction.  Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)before posting, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki, chat, and the links listed at the main page.  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay :)

tink :icon_chick:

Thank you, Tink. :)

And, not to be weird, but I just have to tell you how beautiful you are; I've been admiring your photo whenever I've seen it in several of the other threads. You remind me of a porcelain doll.

Anyway, now that I have that weirdness out of my system, I'm going to go check out the link that Robyn pointed out to me. ^_^

You sound like you are going to be taking good steps Kris!

Thank you for your support. ^_^ I know that I don't want to rush things, and yet, at the same time, it's hard not to want to jump right into things (I tend to be a rather impatient individual). But I know what will be best for me, and so I will stick adamant to my plans. :)

Quote from: _Kris_ on March 23, 2008, 06:14:18 PM
I'm not looking to do anything drastic at this time (surgically speaking, that is). I'm sticking to just cutting my hair and dressing as boyish as possible, as well as slowly (very slowly) altering my appearance to what I perceive as masculine, which includes letting my eyebrows grow in, binding my breasts as much as I can, not shaving my legs so that I can see how I like it (while hiding this fact beneath jeans around family and friends until I can be sure about things), and working out to get as much muscle definition as possible.

Those are good steps.

     You know, I can't figure out why women mess with their eyebrows anyway.   I like women who look natural.  I'm not calling you a woman, just venting about eyebrows.  :) 
     It aggravates the hell out of me when I see shaped brows.   >:(  <--- it makes me look like this.

Just my useless opinion


Rebis

Hahaha! That made me laugh, Rebis! You know, I never did want to start shaping my brows (I always believed in being all-natural), but my older sister and her friend ambushed me when I was but 11 years old, plucking them for me and calling me hideous names for not having done it myself. One could say that, from that point on (and after a hundred other self-confidence blows), I learned to do what society expected of me. Now, if anyone in my family brings up my not-so-neat eyebrows, I'm just going to tell them that I want to go for the thicker-brow look. I just remember what my brows were like whenever I was younger (like two bushy caterpillars), so once those grow in, I'm sure my face will be masculinized (if that's even a word) before I ever even start any sort of T doses. :D

Hi _Kris_ Welcome to Susan's and yes as some have already mentioned you will find much on the subject of TS'sm in the boards archives. And you are not the only brother here hon, there are a few other here abouts.

Not certain as to how many of us here that are gifted but "hey!! there Mystics_Rain." I 'm an empath, any witches around about this group?

Cindy

Yo Kris. I'm Chris to :laugh:.  welcome to the site bro :) :) :)

Quote from: _Kris_ on March 23, 2008, 08:03:58 PM
Thank you for your support. ^_^ I know that I don't want to rush things, and yet, at the same time, it's hard not to want to jump right into things (I tend to be a rather impatient individual). But I know what will be best for me, and so I will stick adamant to my plans. :)

Hello, Kris, and welcome to Susan's. 

I can feel your desire to be who you really and truly are inside.  You have youth on your side and time can work wonders.  You are also, by your own admission, impatient.  A certain amount of that is good for ya, too.  You have set your goal and impatience will keep you moving toward that goal.  Please don't be too disappointed when things move more slowly than you desire.

Please be careful with binding your breasts as they might become injured and cause you problems.  I am not a doctor but I imagine how I would feel with my breasts tightly bound and I'd be quite uncomfortable and concerned.  If you do wish to bind yourself, I recommend that you see someone who custom-makes corsets.  My reasoning is that you will get even compression from a properly-made restraint.

As for your hair, we're going in opposite directions here, LOL!  I am M to F and in my mid-50s so I'll take all of the hair that I can get.  IMHO you'll get your best ideas for a new 'do from people you see every day.

I bid you a safe journey, Kris.

Wing Walker
Still Flyin' After All These Years

Everyone is so kind here! Thank you once again for making me feel so welcome. :)

And thank you, Wing Walker, for your encouraging words. ^_^ I wish you all the best luck in your own journey, as well.

Quote from: Tink on March 23, 2008, 06:21:09 PM

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi220.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fdd141%2Fgoldendragonfly%2FTinkerbell-2-5.gif&hash=5be8480c960ef48b1799ad2adf2134b3c3a7c712)

tink :icon_chick:

Fairy-icous!!  Cool Pic Tink

hi kris welcome to susans this is an awesoem site and this is where i came when i first came out to myself anyhoo.... welcome and oh yes i to grew up in a home of "3"girls and "1" boy when in reality its 2 of each anyway ialso grew up needing to wear skirts becouse of religion and now ive had top surgery and was on T for a while and my parents shocked me my mom took a long time  but she came around and my dad was actuallt amazing he uses male pronouns and calls me by my name and everything:)  so ppl can really suprize you on the other hand ppl i thought would be ok are not in fact im dead" to most of my fam i cant see myu neices and nephews ,cousins anymore ...so really you just never know....

Thanks for sharing your experience. :) I know that my mom would come around to being okay with having me in her home, but I am already looking forward to the day that my mother would no longer feel tension around me. Knowing her, it won't take too long--but long enough, to me. My younger sister would probably be the most open to the idea, and my brother would just laugh it off, most likely, making a big joke out of the whole thing (when, in all reality, this is NO joking matter). My older sister has two children, so I can't really predict how she would go about accepting me and wanting me to be around her children. I'm pretty sure that she would be okay with things, after some time, but she gets freaked out easily over the strangest things. I wouldn't want to be responsible for turning her world upside down. ::) My family is so weird...

Hey, you look good! The way you described yourself (before I saw your pic ;) ) I wasn't sure how you'd look, was curious though :P, but you do not look so femme to me!

take care Kris :)


~ mystic

Hi Kris,


I'm sure I would take you as a male if I happened to run into you on the street.

^^ Right!

Hi Kris hon, Just passing through, but I quite agree with Rebis.

Cindy

I'm really glad you all think so. ;D

As an update, I'm in the process of trying to contact a counselor in Pittsburgh who specializes in transgender issues (in fact, she might have been mentioned on this site), but Pittsburgh is almost two hours away, and I don't have a car of my own, so I'm pretty bummed about that.

Hi Kris my partner is from Pennsylvania maybe around the area you live in and may have some suggestions. She will PM you in a bit.

Cindy

Okay, thanks. :)

Hi Kris and welcome to Susans. I'm s happy that you are getting comfortable with who you are. One day you will be able to do the things that you desire. Learn all you can and I sure you will find much that can help you. Once again, a hearty welcome.

Gennee

:)

Hi Kris and welcome to Susan's.  You've come to the right place & I hope that you make lots ofr friends here.

Love,

Donna

Hi, Kris! I'm new too, and I chuckled a bit when I read your introduction because you brought back some memories for me, memories of urinating standing up. My parents told me I shouldn't do it (practicality and all that), but when no one was there, I compensated for the obvious mess making factor by standing over the toilet, one leg on one side and the other leg on the other.

I've never plucked my eyebrows but once in my life. I did at the suggestion of a boyfriend. After all, they are only eyebrows. They've  grown back. I don't wear make up either. The exception is when I'm trying to look silly or scary (i.e. corpse paint and such on Halloween).

I've had boyfriends remark that sometimes I'm "like a guy". Ususally this is in reference to how I speak, when I say something very bluntly (as in straight forward, not as in mean) or just make a very crude un lady like joke.

Like you, I feel the temptation to jump into this with both feet. After all, for me, this is about self honesty and courage. However, as I said in my introduction, I have allot of bad cultural conditioning to work through. I know I really need to start with baby steps, just so long as I am moving forward to who I am and not pretending to be some one I am not.

*hugs* Best of success to you. I am very happy to see a new trans- man with a similar background.

Sincerely,
Lars

Nice to meet you! Hugs ;D