Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi again,

Well it seams that the best use of a forum like this is to learn of people who have gone before us. So my next question is where have you come from - where are you now? When people answer this please go back and have a look at your introduction to the forum. How has your perception of yourself changed over time?

Alice

I look at men differently now.  In my introduction, I said something to the effect of: I was afraid to transition years ago because I thought I would be forced to be with men and I really liked women.  Now with a different POV, I am realizing that much of my adoration for women was me just wanting to be one.  Now that I am on the transition road, I pretty much compare myself or admire their beauty, but don't really find myself attracted to that many women.  I'd love to be friends with many of them because they have great personalities, but that's about it.  However, I don't find myself attracted to many men either.  I'll figure it out one of these days.  Just when I think I'm starting to figure it out, I seem to flip-flop.  Oh well.  :-\

There are many things though that haven't changed.  I still think having breasts is cool.  I still look forward to living life as a women and having many women friends (although that is becoming a reality even now).

Melissa

I was born in Bakersfield Ca and raised there till about 8 years of age then moved to lake tahoe, then to reno, then to oregon, back to nevada etc.  Have worked in Washington, Wyoming, Colorado, Florida and New Jersey as well as California & Nevada.  Thinking about moving back to NV for the rest of this year and then figure where I want to spend my life.

Andrea, my wife wants to get a travel trailer and cruise where ever we think is nice for the time of year and such.  Might be an ok life.  We just need to get straight about where we want to be as we grow older. 

Terri

Hi Alice,

I have enjoyed your post and think we are alot alike.

QuoteHow has your perception of yourself changed over time?

Well, I'm 49 and I have said it like this; For many years sadly, I thought I was 'out there'. Then in '96' I got the internet and quicky realized that I was just a country boy who felt like a girl....there are real perverts out there and I'm not one. What a perspcetive change! What a waste...all that self-hate.

That was 10 yrs ago. Since then I have grown mosty happy. I now accept, like and am proud of myself. I'm am totaly out as an honest tv/cd. Life is very good.

For me, in my tg life, it has been an honesty issue. If I can live honestly....then I can be happy. And I have lived totaly honest for some years now and feel very lucky to be a tv/cd.

I'll tell you how lucky I am....I live with a lovely open-minded blond 24 yr old woman who has taught me much in the last 7 years...and I will be 50 years old this winter. I have my own business that only takes 2 hours a day to do. I wake up everyday wondering what femme outfit I'm gonna wear today. The reason I do that is to feel my true pretty self....and beleive me, I feel pretty every day!

My personal growth has amazed me!
Love
Debtv

PS Your turn to tell :)

Quote from: Debtv on May 19, 2006, 01:49:48 AM
....there are real perverts out there and I'm not one. What a perspcetive change! What a waste...all that self-hate.

Hi Deb,

Thanks for your reply - I think the quote above it about the best thing I have read here in a long time- Hopfully I can change perspcetive soon as self-hate is a big waste. I was thinking today at work if I should come home and wear a skirt or just normal pants as lately I have been trying to avoid wear skirts. It never make we happy when I try to aviod wearing skirt so the soon I accept that and move on the better - yes the skirts won tonight.

As for where have a come from well not that far. Sill enjoy wear skirts and I am happy in the CD world although I hope I do not go to far and end up on a TS track.  The glamor shots was a great day that I enjoy as I never tried to pass in public before and I do not think I will try it again in the future. So for now it is just wearing my skirts at home and try to enjoy the person I am becoming.

Alice

There is a massive distinction between a CD and a TS. The paths do not cross.

Those CDs who 'turn into' TSes were in fact TS from the start. Don't worry about it. (=  Unless, of course, you cannot stand the skin you are in. If that is the case, then believe me transition is a godsend.  Speaking of transition it is not so bad really, or at least I have no complaints... save that it costs a lot. :P


Oh and self-hate? Erm, what is the point? Dig down and find out what the root of it is. I bet you there is a HIGH percentage that it is SOMEONE ELSE'S idea. If you like, trust me on that. I've thumbed my nose at society for many many (many!) years... I am quite happy with my interior state, it is the exterior I have issue with :P

(= Just a few cents... ;)

hmm - Ok Note to self - Enjoy the present and do not worry about the future. Do what you are comfortable with and do not worry about what other people think.


Sum it up OK?

Alice

Kimberly  - Always enjoy your contributions.

Quote from: Kimberly on May 22, 2006, 07:02:54 AM
There is a massive distinction between a CD and a TS. The paths do not cross.

Those CDs who 'turn into' TSes were in fact TS from the start. Don't worry about it.

True.  That's why I get upset with TS who look down on crossdressers.  No, I don't understand those who are truly "just" CD, but who knows what lies in any given CD's future?  I thought I was one, but it turned out to be merely a phase I was going through on the way to discovering I had GID.

QuoteOh and self-hate? Erm, what is the point? Dig down and find out what the root of it is. I bet you there is a HIGH percentage that it is SOMEONE ELSE'S idea.

We often suffer because of someone else's problems.  Give 'em a big smile and keep on walking.

Robyn

Quote from: Alice on May 22, 2006, 06:47:59 AM
I was thinking today at work if I should come home and wear a skirt or just normal pants as lately I have been trying to avoid wear skirts. It never make we happy when I try to aviod wearing skirt so the soon I accept that and move on the better - yes the skirts won tonight.

Oh my gosh.  I have not worn a skirt for so long.  This completely reminded me of something.  That's something I looked forward to doing.  After I move along a little further in my transition, I may start wearing skirts a lot.  Of course wearing pants is nice to lounge around in.  I'll see how it is in the future, but I will not let everyone else dictate how I dress.

Melissa

My original intro is long gone but I have come a long, long way since I seriously started my journey back in '97.  Loved and lost.  Transitioned and untransitioned.  learned a lot about myself, about others, and about the world.  I made some great friends and even lost a few.  I attended funerals and weddings.  Through it all I have been amazed at the whirlwind journey that is has been up until now.

My confidence is at an all time high and has room to grow.  Today I even went through most of the day without makeup on and it is not the first time I have done so.  Years ago I would not even go to the door unless I looked perfect.

The most amazing thing that has happened is that I have actually forgotten on occasion, or rather should say that it was not in immediate thoughts, that I am TS.  My friends and society treats me as I appear and since I am just being myself, everything else falls away.  Of course that created its own little set of difficulties that had to be talked out with one person close to me but the friendship survived.  More importantly, I have survived.

My actual sexual orientation seems to be fluid.  I no longer declare a specific gender but state that I am attracted to individuals.  I never thought I would even consider kissing a guy let alone do more.

The shy T-gal who sat in the back at her first support group meeting who was so unsure of who she was has grown.  It's been one hell of a ride so far and tomorrow promises to be a lot more interesting.

I remember "liberating" my mother's dress at about age 7.  My 3' tall teddy & I would go for an imaginary cruise in the country - until I got caught.  Enter the shame factor.

Liberating a few things here and there in grade school, then returning them.  Somehow it simly felt rigt...

My mother had a side reaction with medication and was hospitialized for about a week.  I sent y siblings outside to play so I could dress.  Girdle and stockings - pantythose wasn't around yet.  I looked int he mirror and suddenly aged about 7 years.  Ms. Hyde was becoming real.

In college, I went to a halloween party en femme.  I felt wonderful!  I looked in the mirror and was about to shave my arms and chest ... but that guilt thing from 12 years earlier kicked in.  Can we say splurge and purge?

Even so, while living in my apartment, I always wore a nightgown to bed.

Started to acquire a few items from the church charity bins.

I thought Ms. Hyde would disappear when I married.  Nope.  Simply harder to hide Hyde. 

If I only had one tenth of all the money I spent on splurge and purge!

The internet came into being!  Suddenly I found that I was not alone!  THere were a bizillion people like me!  Unfotunately, most of the website hits were for porno.  I did find Susans early in my search for information.  I didn't become a member, but I did study the information pages.

THen came that infamous Halloween in '03.  My stylist was tasked with making me passable. She succeeded!  I looked in the full length mirror and saw a woman.  I raised myhand, and she did the same!  It was me!  ANd for the first time, Ms. Hyde had a face!  Had a look!  Had a personality!  And now has a name.  My name.  Chaunte.

At that moment, I started to realize that I am real.  THis woman is a part of me.  May BE me!  It was terribly frightening and wonderfully liberating all at the same time.

THe women at the party all screamed when they saw me - save one.
I was given the serious lookover by the women - save one.
I was accepted as a woman by them - save one.

I started my journal of self discovery.  I was happy & giddy with my discovery.  As I started to delve more into what I am, the giddy disappeared in a hurry.  THis is serious.  And I started sharing what I was discovering with several of my closest friends - girlfriends.  ANd they accepted me.  I could feel hands being placed on my backbone trying to help me stand straight and proud.  It was what I needed, and that is why we have friends.

Then I met my brothers and sisters here at Susans.  Men and women on the same / similar journeys of discovery.  I started asking the hard questions.  And I started becoming friends with people around the world.  How cool is that!

I started seeing a therapist in September of '05.  I was nervous and could barely get the words out that I am transgendered.  We had a lot of discussions around some hard topics.  It has been very good.

Now I am facing the hardest conversation of my life.  I find telling my wife that I am transgendered is harder than telling my step mother to turn off the life support on my father.  Everything changes. 

I realize that I face spending the rest of my life alone as a single woman. 
Do I live a lie and face dying of a heart attack from the internal stress to let Chaunte run free?
Do I let Chaunte run free, and lose my home, my family, my parish and many friends?

Staying en homme would give me a comfortable life - aan unhappy one to be sure, but quite comfortable.

Living en femme would be allowing my spirit to soar, but I would be starting from square one as I stare my 50th birthday just two years from now.

Freedom or security.  THat is my choice.
"Those that sacrifice a little liberty for security deserve neither freedom nor security." Ben Franklin

I find myself choosing Freedom, and it will come at a terrible cost.  It rips me apart in ways that are undescribable.  Hearts will be shattered because of this.  ANd if I don't choose freedom, how can I live with myself?  Chaunte is not going away - she is real.  I am real.

In the future, I can see myself transitioning at school.  I am making plans to do such.  And I am very much at peace within myself about these plans.

The running has stopped.

It has been a wild ride.  Jeckyl has become Mr. Hyde.  Ms.Hyde has becme Dr. Jeckyl.  Maybe this is how it was meant to be from the begining.

"We proceded on..."

Chaunte

Chaunte, you have another balancing point.  If you did decide not to transition, about whether to tell the spouse or not.  If you were to not tell her, it would probably eat you up inside.  However, if you told her and didn't transition, it would forever alter your relationship and probably not for the better.  Seeing those potential ramifications may make coming out to her easier.

Melissa

Quote from: Melissa on May 24, 2006, 10:33:30 PM
Chaunte, you have another balancing point.  If you did decide not to transition, about whether to tell the spouse or not.  If you were to not tell her, it would probably eat you up inside.  However, if you told her and didn't transition, it would forever alter your relationship and probably not for the better.  Seeing those potential ramifications may make coming out to her easier.

Melissa

Melissa - Aye, that is true.  However, given the state of our relationship, it is hard to get much worse.  At least, while the temperature is cold, there is no abuse in either direction.  I can at least lay claim to that.

How can I actively participate in couple's counseling if I don't share this part of me first?  I don't see a reasonable way around this.  To not come out would be perpetuating a series of secrets, and htat would negate the value of counseling. 

She has recently said that she would like to come with me to counseling so that she can help with whatever issue I am having difficulty with. 

Be careful what you wish for...

So, tentatively August, I will invite her to come with me and warn her that I have something important to share, and it could be difficult to hear.  I am choosing late August so I can enjoy one last summer with the kids before the world is turned upside down.  I will admitt that it's a little selfish, but not in a bad way.

Steph - You have made the case that I have been less than honorable.  And, in retrospect, you are right.  For that, I am sorry.  It's not a case of trying to sneak around, but rather planning for what I believe to be the termination of my marital relationship.  I will be more thoughtful with my timing and activies.

Chaunte

"Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right!" -Henry Ford

In other words, if you are planning on the worst circumstance to happen, then that may be what becomes of it.  This is just something to think about.

Melissa

Hi Alice:  I like this question.

The last year has been a wild ride for me.  I've moved from denial, self-hatred, depression to self-acceptance, self-respect, and a positive outlook on life.  This has been a great period of self-discovery.

When I first found Susan's I was scared of everything, I couldn't accept myself for who I am.  I was ashamed of my thoughts, my desires, my needs, myself.

Given my nature, I began a quest to figure this out once and for all, about time since I've already passed the half way mark on my life.  Being in denial since about five years old, I was pretty good at it, but it wasn't working.

I have come to a point where I now accept myself and am now trying to figure out where I go from here and what is really important to me.  My wife says I have really been into myself lately, and she is right, but I don't look at it as being selfish, but rather as being introspective and contemplative.

At the moment I am questioning everything about myself.  I am trying to really understand who I am, not who other people think I am.  I am feeling much better these days, better than I can ever remember.  That is not to say I still don't have fears and questions, but just that I feel I can now deal with them from a positive place.

Molly is now real - to me.  I am also considering changing my name from Molly to something else, but I trust when the time is right it will just happen - I don't want to focus on that right now.

Coming out to my wife was an important step for me.  I have forced both her and myself to learn to live with Molly.  The nature of our relationship has forever changed, it is a good thing.  I don't regret it at all.

I've learned I can't be a good partner if I'm only half a person.  I can't love another person like I believe love should be if I can't love myself.  I now see that in my life I have driven people away because I felt like a fraud and believed it was only a matter of time before they found that out, so I saved them the trouble and pushed them away.

Today I am on a great journey of self-discovery that is giving me a reason to live and has moved me from depression to excitement.  For the first time I am finally learning who I am based on what I think, what I feel, what I believe.  I just finished reading a book by Alice Koller, "An Unknown Woman" which has really helped me to crystallize my way of looking at the world and how to proactively proceed with my self-analysis.

So the answer your question: I have come from a very negative, unhappy place, to place where I can now look at myself honestly, as to where I'm going, I don't know, but I do know that wherever the next step on this journey takes it will be good for me.

Molly

Where am I now?   I am closer to being the person I wanted to be in 1959 when I was in the seventh grade.   Closer to wondering why I didn't surrender to my feminity earlier.  I feel that I have lived several different lives which.   Until I was 13 I was my father's child in the Black Hills of South Dakota.   He died.  This life came to an end and disappeared within 2 months.   I entered my step dad's life on the praires of South and North Dakota until I graduated from high school in 1965 and escaped to the University of North Dakota.   My feminity remained hidden within myself a well guarded secret.   Why I don't know, now.   The reality of both of these lives were buried in alcohol and lies and allienation from family and any family tradition or beliefs.    The dirty thirties, the years of World War II, and sickness had brought the deaths of most of my mother's and father's families that they had been close to.   My dad's death separated me from what was left of my mother's family.   My father had been an orphan from a Irish Catholic past, but he was alienated from that.   My mother's was alienated from the Lutheranism of and family traditions of her Scandinvian ancesters.   Their pasts were hidden by silence and half truths told to satisfy their own egocentric needs,  leaving me like a tree with very shallow roots.    I pretended that my life was normal  and some how there was some continuality in my life.   I needed my femininity but hid it to keep the peace and pretence of normalcy which was so important to my parents,   My German stepdad had lots of brothers and sisters and his parents well into his life,  but chose to live miles apart from them.    The only family ties that I maintained were with those of my alcoholic parents and my brothers and sisters.   After high school this became mostly Christmas and Thanksgiving and ended when my mother died in 1989.   I maintained the pretense within my head that some one really cared if I was male or female except within the frame work of how it affected their self image.    The next segment was 30 years of marriage and five children, which ended with a note on the door and an I never want to live with you again.  Emotionly my children chose to keep peace with their mother and I saw or hear very little from them.   I found my feminity and booze and Susan's.   Through Susan's I found a new spouce and children that accepted my feminity.   I have since left my old haunts keeping contact with my older children and grandchildren on the internet.   I have contact with one of my sisters on the internet.    Borderline working poverty keep me from doing anything about my past life except put it in the past and hope for the future.   My male self is just an act to feed my family and my feminity is who I am.   Almost sixty years old I live from day today and enjoy my femininity.   But when I look back from a place far from where I grew up where nobody really knows me,  why I spent so much of my life trying to keep the peace with ego-centric people who only cared about themselves and why I did not care for myself more.     I also realize that I really don't know what the reality of my life is and how much of my present difficulties are just family tradition and how many that I created for myself.   I do know that I have problems creating emotional connections with others and I have faith in my relationships only for today.   I have gone from a very naive child to a very hopeful but very puzzled elder especially about the rest of my life.

Thanks all who have replied.  I am reading everything with interest.

Alice

Been think back to my pass look for signs of TG. Earliest recollection is of look through mom underwear draw. I must have been around 6 and I like all the petty soft and silky things and I love to touch them. With the breast pump I got some clear liquid out of one of my nipples.
At age 13 or 14 found one of mom’s old slips with a tear in the lace fringe that had been put in the trash. I took it to my room used some white thread to fix the tear and alter the slip so that I could wear it. I keep it for a few years. Wearing it made me feel good.

At age 15-17 I often would wear my mother’s bras and panties, before or after taking a shower. The shower was in the basement near the laundry room were mom would leave her thing before washing them. It was sexual than, but isn’t everything sexual when you’re a teen?  At those times I would fantasize that I was a woman.
Dad caught me ones and said haven’t you grown out of that yet.

Ages 20-54 I would occasionally try on my wife cloths, especially the under garments. Sometimes I would wear a blouse and a skirt or slacks. In the 20’s and early 30’s it was often a sexually thing. In the later 30 through into the mid 50’s it became an enjoyable relating and seemingly therapeutically.
Because I believed it was wrong (society pressers and up bring) I have tried not to remember those times.

At age 55 (which I still am) I decide that I would wear woman’s undergarment whenever I want to under my (male) clothing. They are softer and I loved the feel of silk on my skin. At that point it triggered the female spirit that has been trap inside of me and many of my memories began flooding back into my mind. So I began searching the web to find out what was wrong with me and who I am.
Now I know that I’m a TG a person who was assigned a gender at birth, based on their genitals, but who feels that this is a false description of myself.
I’m a woman in a man's body who wears feminine clothing to expressing my feminine personality.

:)
Jillieann

My way has always been to look at a situation, spend a lot of time turning it over and over in my mind, analyze it to death, and not do anything about it until I was absolutely sure of what I was doing. It takes me a while to get started, but then it's full speed ahead!

It was just over a year ago that I came to the startling realization that transition was actually possible for me. I spent some 4 months learning everything I could, and doing my best to get a handle on my own feelings and emotions. By the end of last summer, I pretty much knew what I had to do.

I have to laugh at myself when I hear how nervous some people were meeting their therapist for the first time and admitting they were transsexual. I mean, that's the way it's supposed to be... the point of therapy is to help you find out who you are and what you need to do. But I had to be different; on September 5, I emailed a local therapist for an appointment. The letter began: "I am a transgendered male who is at the point of seeking hormone therapy..." I had my first appointment 8 days later, and began HRT in December. I registered here at Susan's on New Year's Eve.

Looking back on that time from today, the biggest changes in me (other than physical) have been a matter of expectations. I underestimated how quickly HRT would affect me, and overestimated my patience! My schedule, such as it was, has had to be shifted forward over and over again, as the momentum of my transition has built. I thoroughly believed that I would have a full year before the physical changes would become obvious at work; now I'm struggling to hide them under extra clothing in the heat of the summer!

I also thought it would be at least a year before I could even think about going fulltime; now, if I could find a job as myself, I would be fulltime tomorrow. This is possible not so much because of the physical changes, but because of my hugely increased confidence. I'm certainly not completely passable, but I'm out all the time, and have yet to have a bad experience (even riding the bus and shopping at WalMart).

The other big change has been inside; even as little as 3 months ago I would have said that I was strictly attracted to women, and that there was no possibility of my ever being with a guy. Now, my feelings have softened quite a bit. I've begun to see the attraction of men, and can see the possibility of something happening along those lines in the future. I don't know if my orientation is actually shifting, or if it's something that was always there hidden from me, but it doesn't really matter.

I guess that's the biggest change; I'm completely accepting of myself now, hiding nothing. I will be whoever I turn out to be.

Annie

Well I thought I would add I long reply for myself more than else. Feel free to read away as it is a long description of my life in skirts.

Well I knew from early on that I wanted to wear skirts. I tried on my mums dress when I was very young as I always wanted to know how it felt to wear a skirt and be a girl. That did not work out well as my mums clothes where way to big and I had no Sisters to try their clothes. Within this period I did some other stuff that was no good so I will not detail them.

One of my early memories of wearing girl stuff was when I was a school and I was in a play. One of my friends convinced me to wear a Tutu home from the shops. The zipper got stuck that day so I wore it have way home until my dad pick me up. I wore that tutu a couple of times in private in my bed room and never got caught. My friend however never did his side of the bargain - he was meant to wear his pink dress around the shops.

No much happened between then and after Uni. In high school I did have a bit of trouble because of my curiosity and my parent wondered at the time if I was gay but they did not try and understand what was causing me trouble at the time. At Uni I was made to put on a dress on one drunken day buy that was a non event. I was very conservative at Uni and was a bit lonely and had my usual feeling about skirts.

After Uni I moved to Canberra and things started to get interesting a few years after that once I move to a house in Florey with Paul. Paul remands a good friend of mind but within his house is when I started to wear dresses. He had a girl friend and that left me home alone. I brought a few dresses from second had shops and wore them where I could. After a couple of years there I left for 18 months overseas and 12 months in Sydney. When over seas I did have that cross dressing party in Africa. My first photo on here was taken from that night. Everyone commented that night I looked natural in a skirt and I wonder where that came from. It is a comment that I have now heard many times.

I came back to Canberra in 2001 and found a flat by myself. Within my flat in Hackett I started my skirt and dress collection again. I remember getting a make-over at the local shops and come home and putting on my dress. It was a fun day that I enjoyed until my concious got the better of me and I took of my make-up. Within that period I brought about 3 skirts and a dress.

After a couple of years I moved to my current home and was alone for a while to continue my collection. In particular a brought I pink dress that a few months later one a flat mate he almost caught me in. My first flat mate did not last long and I was alone again and free to dress.

After the first year in my house I had my pink party. I was looking for a theme for the party and over a number of weeks I came up with a pink theme. It was hard for my friends to convince me to wear a dress for the night  ;) but I brought another pink dress and remember email my friend about how happy I was once I go the dress. Around that time I let slip to my friend that I indeed had a collection of skirts at home but they did not comment too much on that. The party went well and I was the only guy in a dress but that was OK.

At the start of last year my current flat mate moved in and my clothes where put away for about six months. I tried to be good and move on but the frustration of not been able to wear a skirt got the better of me. I started out by finding a therapist as I saw a definition of transvestic Fetishism on another website and wanted to get it out of my life. I have always worried about the sexual element of me and my skirts as I am a very conservative person. In my early session I was not much use as I was all over the place. I can not remember what she suggested but she made sure I got in touch within someone from the CTN (Canberra Transgendered Network) so I had an outlet. The cost made me try to move on and over the last Christmas I put my skirts away when my parents came to visit. I had told my mum by this time I liked to wear skirts and she just thought it was a phase.

After Christmas our triathlon group went down to Thredbo and my frustration continued. I got drunk a few nights in Thredbo through this frustration. A go description of what went on the Thredbo can be found here http://www.tomscafe.org/forums/showthread.php?t=8660. An extract follows.

"Once my parent had left I was still in denial mode but things came into focus when I went down the Thredbo with a group of my friends. Zoe was wearing a nice knee length skirt and for at least two days or I could think about was wearing her skirt. I felt very unballanced and to compansate I drank a little to much. I was very keen to talk to all of the girls about skirts and I think they relised I was having problems. Lucky after a couple of days I started to feel better but when the question was asked 'What is your favorite place?' my mind initially thought 'Wearing a skirt!' (it was only a couple of hours latter I though of a place close to my heart as I spent I lot of time there growing up). On another day when ridding back to Thredbo I was ridding with the girls and my mind thought that since I was with the girls I could ask to Zoe to wear her skirt."

I actually rang my therapist from Thredbo as I knew I had to see her again. I eventually got an appointment and have since been regularly seeing her. After Thredbo I group went down to the coast for a triathlon and I had decided to wear a skirt after the race. That did not happen however through I did out Zoe aside to show her the skirt I wanted to wear.

I guess the next big think to happen where the glamour shots a few weeks ago. I was happy that night especially when they said I could pass as a woman. I was so happy that I invited everyone to another pink part here at my place which I do not think will go ahead. After that I wondered about my future and got depressed. Everyone seam to agree that I look good in a skirt and I also enjoy wearing them. I do not know what will happen but I know it will be interesting.

My appointments with my therapist have mainly been focused on build a support network and Susan's will be a big part of that. Hopefully and can find some inner peace and just enjoy what I like to do.

Thanks to anyone who has read to the bottom.

Alice

I read to the bottom. :)  So, it sounds like you enjoy wearing skirts.  Would living fulltime as female (no body modification) sound like something you would prefer.  Then you could wear skirts all the time.  Just some thoughts to kick around with your therapist.

Melissa

Very interesting. Thanks for sharing, Alice.
Your picture looks great. You could very well pass as a woman.
Nero

I can trace my beginnings back to wearing my mother's dress at age 9.  Almost got caught.  Submerged it totally until I began collecting lingerie at age 12. 

Purged when I headed off to the Naval Academy but began collecting again after graduation and marriage and divorce and remarriage.  I just thought I had a lingerie fetish, but eventually I began to fantasize about having breasts and losing Willy.

Once my last daughter was in college, I got an Internet account, became a spiritual healer, and, whammo, there was Robyn.

"I'll just be a crossdresser; you know, go out now and then."
"No."

"Well, just around the house."
"No."

"How about Halloween?"
"No."

"Well, then, I'll purge and stop wanting to wear women's clothes."
"I'll never trust you again."

Eventually, we separated and I moved west.  I was full time within 6 months and had SRS 2 years after that.   Postop 6 years next Tuesday.  Married to my FTM husband for almost 6 1/2 years.  Life is good.

One thing I noticed along the way is that once you go full time, it 'ain't the clothes' anymore.  Once you are living your true life 24/7/365, clothes are just a routine part of your life, be it jeans, a business suit, skirt and top for church, or a dressup event like formal dinner on a cruise.  By then, life is for living one's truth, and the emotional release coming from a dress or skirt is no longer needed.

Keep on keeping on, boyz and grlz.

Grandma Robyn

All this is much more than I started out to say but it is where I have come from.

Well I think I started with my older sister’s things when I was about 9 or 10.
I managed to collect some skirts & hose in my teen years. I don’t recall much activity in my twenties. I did have a girlfriend that I told about it in my late twenties. That faded away due to other reasons.
I got married in the late eighties and we had 3 children together.
When she was out of town I would dress after the kids were in well-tucked in. or if they were off at school.
I renewed an ongoing battle with long term depression and withdrew into myself
She started talking to the pastor
On one of her trips I noticed that she had taken her two negligees, it did seem odd as she very rarely wore them. (Guys can be so dumb)

Later I found out that she had setup a rondvu with our pastor in Anchorage. It never happened due to his daughter getting hurt on a bike. So he never left town.

Things were forgiven and I started on anti-depressants.  We never could re-kindle
And the depression just got worse.
We divorced
After years on various antidepressants I gave them up
She stayed in town until last October, moving off the island and taking the kids with her...to Fairbanks some 450 miles north

Well in late November I was having serious trouble shoveling snow. And went to get a stress test.  I did not last long and within twenty minuets of starting the test they had an air ambulance lined up to get me to the cartoligist in anchorage.

I had an angoplasty and a stint placed with a catheter, it took maybe an hour at the most. (Once I got there) the good news was that no damage was done to the heart.

I was back home within 36 hours.

Over Christmas I went north to Fairbanks to visit the kids and family.

My real journey started when I returned home and started on line shopping.
At some point I gave myself a feme name, Kate that name blew the doors off of my world
A sprit was released and my long-term depression lifted like never before. I soon found Susan’s and received a warm welcome.

People at work made comments on how much better was looking. 
I started regular exercise and have made good progress on the health front. The depression has returned but not with the same vice like grip that it once had.

The hard part is finding a good balance of the two spirits. Kate is barley six months old now, deep within my closet 
Things will never be the same I really don’t know where this is going; I just feel that I am making positive progress.
I would not have it any other way.

KateAlice
Liquid by Nature, Vapor in Fact

Quote from: Alice on May 17, 2006, 10:37:25 PMHow has your perception of yourself changed over time?

Well, I've always known I wanted to be a girl - that much has remained static and stable throughout my entire life. The difference is that I became desperate to DO something about it around six months ago, about the time I joined this forum. Up until then, I was content to merely be miserable, lol, if that makes sense. But due to a confluence of circumstance and age, I suddenly seemed to be running out of time. "Maybe someday..." had arrived.

When I joined, I allowed myself a time of questioning - not whether I wanted to be female, but whether "wanting to be female" is the same as TSism, and whether TSism was a valid condition worth solving medically, or merely some fetish in need of psychological help.

Over that time, the *context* of how I feel about this has changed so much, that it's difficult to imagine I'm the same person I was back then. The RESULTS of that context shift have been unexpected:

For example, although my crossdressing attempts had been minimal and sporadic, they used to focus on creating a passable female image. These days... if anything, I might throw on a pair of women's jeans (more because they fit well than anything) and leave it at that. I don't feel a need to artificially create an image - I know I was chasing a ghost, deluding myself.

There also was a time when my readings convinced me that there must be some "hidden female persona" I needed to find and develop - the "woman" trapped in a man's body, as they say. These days, I'm content and happy to just be ME. I'll leave definitions for other people to decide. Strange as it sounds to most, I don't need to "be female inside" to justify needing to be physically female. That may sound trivial, but it ended a HUGE obsession with trying to "prove" that I have a "female soul" and so on. It's just meaningless to me now. I am what I am.

There was a time not many months ago when I sat shaking in my car, trying to gather the courage to talk to my therapist for the first time. Nowadays, it's just another ordinary thing to do. Nothing special. So I wanna be a girl... what's the big fuss?

There was a time not many months ago when the thoughts of transitioning seemed impossible... it was for OTHER people. Nowadays, that possibility is so close that it's scarying me half to death. HRT seems to be in the very near future.

All this is giving me hope... hope that someday I'll be able to post to this thread again, saying "there was a time when becoming female seemed like an impossible dream, a setup for torture and social ostracism... and now that I did it, it's really not that big a deal. Nobody really cares, and I hate myself for waiting so long."

Quote from: Kate on June 08, 2006, 09:56:41 AM

Up until then, I was content to merely be miserable, lol, if that makes sense.

LOL. I am going through misery again for a while. My flat mate is leaving at the start of July and I am worried about things getting out of control so I am trying to fight it again.

Thanks for your reply Kate.

Alice

Quote from: Alice on June 08, 2006, 04:43:01 PM
LOL. I am going through misery again for a while. My flat mate is leaving at the start of July and I am worried about things getting out of control so I am trying to fight it again.

Thanks for your reply Kate.

Alice

Alice,

Do I know being out of control!  I almost didn't change back when my family was returning from vacation.  (The kids had a different holiday schedule than mine.)  It took every bit of mental energy to pack my things away and secure the house.

I was miserable for a week before I was able to get wings-level again!  My students noticed it right away.

That was when I started to seriously consider the idea that I am transexual, not "simply" transgendered.

Chaunte

Quote from: Kimberly on May 22, 2006, 07:02:54 AM

There is a massive distinction between a CD and a TS. The paths do not cross.

Those CDs who 'turn into' TSes were in fact TS from the start. Don't worry about it. (=  Unless, of course, you cannot stand the skin you are in. If that is the case, then believe me transition is a godsend.  Speaking of transition it is not so bad really, or at least I have no complaints... save that it costs a lot. :P

I agree 100%.  Personally I think that there is so much confusion and definitions out there of that it means to be TS.  I would imagine that a CD is a person who enjoys dressing in the clothes of the opposite gender but does not want to change physically to that gender.  A TS, however,  is someone who may or may not crossdress (clothing is not the issue here), but indentifies as the gender opposite to their anatomy, and wants to have the body, the social roles of the gender they identify with; needless to say they also want to be accepted as that gender.


tinkerbell :icon_chick:

Quote from: Tinkerbell on October 02, 2006, 11:12:46 PM

Quote from: Kimberly on May 22, 2006, 07:02:54 AM

There is a massive distinction between a CD and a TS. The paths do not cross.

Those CDs who 'turn into' TSes were in fact TS from the start. Don't worry about it. (=  Unless, of course, you cannot stand the skin you are in. If that is the case, then believe me transition is a godsend.  Speaking of transition it is not so bad really, or at least I have no complaints... save that it costs a lot. :P

I agree 100%.  Personally I think that there is so much confusion and definitions out there of that it means to be TS.  I would imagine that a CD is a person who enjoys dressing in the clothes of the opposite gender but does not want to change physically to that gender.  A TS, however,  is someone who may or may not crossdress (clothing is not the issue here), but indentifies as the gender opposite to their anatomy, and wants to have the body, the social roles of the gender they identify with; needless to say they also want to be accepted as that gender.


tinkerbell :icon_chick:

I agree that the definitions are clear and that being CD and being TS are different.  But often what is not clear to an individual is who they are.  I self-identify as a CD and not as TS--I have no interest in transitioning, in HRT or surgery of any kind.  But I was not always that way.  When I was much younger I did not know whether I was CD or TS.  At the time I was not doing any overt crossdressing but was obsessed with transgender fantasies--generally of a TS nature.  Had you asked me what I was thirty years ago, I could not have given the same answer that I can give today.  In part, accepting myself as CD helped me to see that I was not TS.

Quote from: Louise on October 07, 2006, 02:01:02 PM

In part, accepting myself as CD helped me to see that I was not TS.

Thats is exacty what I have found in the past few months. Now I accept I am a CD I now know that not everyone who is TG need to transistion. I am a very happy CD at the moment and hope I stay this way for life.

Alice

When I first came here I was confused and a little bit scared. A lot has happened since joining Susan's back in January. I have had everything from depression ( that I still have) to anxiety to anger self hate,  to denial to finally acceptance. It has been a rocky road in these past 10 months and I think I have come a long way. I stil have a long way to go yet with many obsticals and hurdles but I think I can overcome that. I have wanted to be female from an early age and had dressed in my sister's cloths whenever I could. I wanted to be with the girls more than boys. I liked being in the company of women in general mostly because I thought of them as much more intelligent and sensible than the guys. I never liked rough playing and hated being typcast as typical male. I spent most of my middle years doping most things male but would dress up in my private time when no one was around. I started shaving myself in my 30's but stopped for a few years and now I shave all the time. I let my hair grow longer and I am now considering electrolysis mostly for the face but later I might go for the legs arms chest and anywere else body hair is. Right now I am more or less comfortable with the way I am with my feelings of gender. I feel female and it gives me great comfort just to feel my feminine self. I'm not confident yet to go out enfemme. I'll need more time and pratice with makeup.



Owen

Love being female :angel:

Quote from: Owen on October 09, 2006, 12:31:20 AM
When I first came here I was confused and a little bit scared. A lot has happened since joining Susan's back in January. I have had everything from depression ( that I still have) to anxiety to anger self hate,  to denial to finally acceptance. It has been a rocky road in these past 10 months and I think I have come a long way. I stil have a long way to go yet with many obsticals and hurdles but I think I can overcome that.

That all sounds like a very familir path. While I think I am now out of depression I still live with consequence of being depressed (ie taking medication). We have had a very similar emotional journey. I am glad I now accept I am a CD.

Alice