Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi,

Just wondering about the general percentage of people when they realised they were in the wrong bodies. It would make an interesting statistic.

Sarah

I don't remember ever not knowing. I remember fragments from being 2-3, and everything about life at 4, and it was there throughout. It was crystal clear by 4ish, as that's when I really started playing with the neighbor girls and the differences became apparent.

But I wouldn't describe it as knowing I WAS the opposite sex, but just that I was born as the wrong sex and needed to somehow, someway find a way to fix that. The idea that I "was" female in some sort of ethereal, misty, soul-sense completely disconnected from the reality of being a boy never really made sense to me. I had a boy's body. I was therefore a boy. And that really made me mad and frustrated.

~Kate~

[1-10]
I'm pretty much the same as Kate, I have impressions from 2-3 and memories a bit later on when I first experienced people's rejection of my gender expression. I was a boy, but it was frustrating, confusing and painful as hell.

By the way, isn't "1-10" pretty much the same as "Always knew"?

I don't think you really can have an understanding of gender too early in life.  I knew from as early as I can remember that "something" was wrong.

Putting a name to it was not possible, I never even heard of the terms relating to ts until later in life.

Sarah L.

Quote from: Sarah Louise on April 08, 2008, 12:56:03 PM
I don't think you really can have an understanding of gender too early in life.  I knew from as early as I can remember that "something" was wrong.

Putting a name to it was not possible, I never even heard of the terms relating to ts until later in life.

Oh, I knew. Maybe it was bit vague at 3 (as was everything), but I remember 4 ALL too well... worrying about what kindergarten was going to be like, and totally freaking that "all those other kids will see me pretending to be a boy!" It terrified me, I knew if I was amoungst THAT many people, SOMEone was going to figure me out. Plus it was humiliating and embarassing knowing I was going to have to go "as a boy." The lines weren't so distinct when playing with the neighbors, but school I knew was going to segregate us more. And once there, every day I felt dishonest, lying, "bad" and deserving punishment for being so deceptive. I rode the cars around during playtime, took my naps... all the while in a constant panic attack about it all. It was terrible, being so young and programmed to not lie and be honest, yet telling anyone would just expose me as "a dirty sick boy," and not telling made me a dishonest, bad child.

I even remember my mother taking me shopping for my first school clothes, and hating every second of buying boy things. Not that I was drawn to feminine stuff that much, but buying me boy clothes meant I WAS a boy, and that was just saddening.

I didn't know at the time other "people like me" existed or were called "transsexuals" of course, but I knew there were boys, and there were girls, and I somehow had ended up on the wrong side of the fence with a fading hope of EVER climbing over it.

~Kate~

I always knew too. Just like someone else said 1-10 is the same as always knew.

Hi,

I had a reason why I chose 1-10 and Always knew... :-\ can't remember what it was though.

I'm about the same as other people here, I knew something was wrong but didn't lear about it until later on. I have memories of me doing loads of girly stuff when I was little and violence never kicked in.

Sarah

Posted on: April 08, 2008, 08:43:35 PM

---

Hi,

I remember now, I didn't phrase it very well. I was meant to say did it appear between that age group or have you always known, if that makes sense.

I chose 10-20 because I didn't know about transsexuality until that age.

Sarah

10-20 because while I knew something was wrong I decided to ignore it and live in denial up until then, and I didn't know transitioning was an option until that then.

I guess it was when all the boys rejected me and all the girls dragged me into thier circle of friendship. I was about 4 years old at the time and I knew  then that something wasn't quite as it should have been. :P

I am not going to vote in your poll, Sarah. But I will answer your question.

Why not vote? Because I doubt there IS an 'opposite' gender or sex. The overlaps in behavior, looks, etc are great enough that one really cannot see what is 'opposite' about them, any of them. Black (the absence of light) White (the spectrum of light combined) those are opposites.

As for being able to define myself as female, about 10 is the first time I recall actually saying that. Although i also have recalls from age 3 or 4 that I said to Mom, "Why you don't let me be like like Cheryl?" (the friend next door.) And insisted to Mom that I was like Cheryl.

N~ 

Nicole........ Although i also have recalls from age 3 or 4 that I said to Mom, "Why you don't let me be like like Cheryl?" (the friend next door.) And insisted to Mom that I was like Cheryl.


I hear you !!  I had battles with my mom because a cousin of my age was a frequent resident and I longed to be able to wear the clothes she wore because they look so lovelty compared to my boring dull and rough looking clothes.  Again, I was about 4 years old but I knew fashion even at that tender age  ;)

when i was 4 or so, i saw a neighbor little girl without underwear, i realized i had something extra down there, i cried!! i was a girl too but she didn't have what i had.

Hi,

I like your answer Nichole. But I think there still is a difference. You can have similarities and differences on many levels. All people are the same because we all have a head and stuff like that but we're different in terms of looks and gender.

Sarah

Quote from: Natasha on April 08, 2008, 03:57:09 PM
when i was 4 or so, i saw a neighbor little girl without underwear, i realized i had something extra down there, i cried!! i was a girl too but she didn't have what i had.
[/quote

EXACTLY.  I had that event with my cousin.....I hated my thingy ever since  :-\

Quote from: foreversarah on April 08, 2008, 03:59:57 PM
Hi,

I like your answer Nichole. But I think there still is a difference. You can have similarities and differences on many levels. All people are the same because we all have a head and stuff like that but we're different in terms of looks and gender.

Sarah

Thank you, Sarah. I agree there are differences among people and differences in sex (biological.) I don;t find those to be opposites. Rather I find them to be like blue to red, or green, yellow, indigo or violet -- colors in a spectrum. The absence of which makes Black, the presence of which makes White.  :laugh:

Perhaps for many it is a distinction w/out a difference. For me, I think it may be the only safe passage out of the fire that is our gendering of life.

N~

I am sorry Natasha, I have not got the hang of this site just yet, for everyone else, my comments are not a part of Natasha's contribution on this subject.  I am an idiot..sowweeeee   :embarrassed:

Quote from: Nichole on April 08, 2008, 04:07:40 PM

Thank you, Sarah. I agree there are differences among people and differences in sex (biological.) I don;t find those to be opposites. Rather I find them to be like blue to red, or green, yellow, indigo or violet -- colors in a spectrum. The absence of which makes Black, the presence of which makes White.  :laugh:

Perhaps for many it is a distinction w/out a difference. For me, I think it may be the only safe passage out of the fire that is our gendering of life.

N~

Hi,

I see that they are opposite in that there are only two, but in some cases you can argue that there is more. I'm seeing this spectrum as different stages of a transistion like a dial being pushed from male to female, or female to male.

Sarah

I always knew. When I first found out that I was somehow different from other boys was at the age of 4 much like Natasha, when my best friend Kenny took a leak in my backyard. I felt so confused and disturbed for the rest of the day. I didn't understand what it meant.

My first memories are when I was about 4 or 5 when I'd beg to wear my sisters dresses around the house, it
felt so right, and I still remember how happy it made me. Eventually the novelty wore off for my sister to
dress her little brother and she stopped and it really hurt. I think it was 8 or 9 when I starting thinking that
something was really wrong with my body, it was not until later around 12 that I realized I was
a girl or had a female brain. But I never put it in those terms before then, I just knew something was amiss. Of
course I'm not sure if I knew the difference between a boy and a girl either at 8 or 9.

I don't remember this being discussed before but I was very mature for my age at 10 on par or even
exceeding other girls and especially compared to boys of the same age, I wonder if that is true with all of us? I
remember my teachers commenting on it to my parents on more than one occasion.

Amanda

I put 1 - 10 because my first memories are of gender confusion. I don't remember anything before 5 I think. I remember the gender issues when I was 5, it wasn't wearing clothes or anything, it was more not being allowed to play with girls, trying to figure out why I wanted to play with them instead of the boys and then being further confused as I got older as to why I felt like I did. I don't know maybe my thought processes from the time I was born - 4 were normal boy thoughts and I got zapped by aliens on my 5th birthday and they made me TS? Lol, just kidding, but I said 1 - 10 because I don't think anyone truly knows that they've ALWAYS, from even before they can remember, were of one gender or another. I feel like I've always known, but I would clarify that statement with "as far back as I can remember." Meghan

Hi,

I agree, I find myselff to quite mature, I can't see the point in being annoying and disruptive. Girls are also generally meant to be more mature than boys anyway.

Sarah

QuoteGirls are also generally meant to be more mature than boys anyway.

Yes, exactly my point.

I never thought of that before this post but I was mature like the girls of my same age.

Amanda

I think I was about 4 or 5, coinciding when I was starting with pre(pre?)-school.  Which was when I realized that I there were stereotypes that I needed to fit into.  And so I forced myself to fit into them. I knew I was different but I've always been the kind of person who just steps aside and tries to conform as much as possible.  It was easier to just be what was expected and not have to deal with any confrontation. Crazy to think I had to make choices like that when I was 5.

Quote from: AlwaysAmanda on April 08, 2008, 05:18:50 PM
I never thought of that before this post but I was mature like the girls of my same age.

Amanda

Hi,

Same for me.

Sarah

For me, I could articulate it when I was three years old, but before that, I simply did not have the words.  Just like a newborn baby can't march up to you and announce that she is hungry, thirsty or in pain. A three year old can.

I have always known something was amiss; however, it took me years to name it, then years more to plan to do something, then years more to finish the job.

tink :icon_chick:

This was a hard one to answer...

I first started exploring who I am at a very early age.  Call it about 5 or so.  However, I compartmentalized it so deep in my psychie that I refused to acknowledge who I am until I was in my 40's.

That was Halloween 2002.  That was when Dr. Jeckyl was forced to acknowedge Ms. Hyde, and that the two are one.

For that reason, I clicked the 20 to 50 button.

Chaunte

I know it for as long as I can remember, I always had the feeling something was wrong, But I really felt better when I use to get dressed up with my little girlfriend. I couldn't understand why my Dad would yell at me when I'd play with my sisters dolls, or toys.
I realized that I was really female when I was about 10, and kept it inside all these years until a couple years ago and finally told my wife. (Its was just something you didn't talk about or let anyone know when I was a kid ah...back in the 60's)

Jamie L

I was 8.  knew I didnt have what boys have. so I put socks in my pants and went to school like that. used the dude's rooms in stores.  my mom was hella mad w/me but she didnt care.  she knew. :) :) :)

It's funny to me to recall how it took longer than it might have because my parents didn't do much to enforce gender sterotypes when I was small. I did everything my sisters did when I was very small: cook, sew, play house ... fight, hike, climb trees ... It took a while for me to realize that gender was more important to most people than, say, hair color.

I pretty much figured out what was going on by age 6 or so.

As far back as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a genetic female. My first memory would be when my mother was doing her nails, and I asked her to do mine. I still remember how good, and how PRETTY I felt! I was probably 5 years old. At that age, the only difference between boys and girls was long hair and dresses for the girls, short hair and pants for the boys. I wanted to be a girl, and the girls in my neighborhood accepted me, eventually completely, as one of them. They let me wear their clothing, named me "April," (we were discussing birthdays,) and we always played together, walked to school together, and we grew up together. I grew up as a little girl, until at the age of 11, a friend's older sister came home early and saw me wearing my friend Amy's clothing, and when word got back to my parents, they realized exactly what was going on with me, and we moved out of the area. It took about a year in the new neighborhood before I was able to make friends with another girl who accepted me as April, and while she was babysitting, every night, we spent 2 hours together on the  phone for 2 years, allowing me to live, as April, and to continue to grow, now as a teen-aged girl. I didn't find out about the physical differences between male and female until the age of 12. I believed that I was really a girl, but that my body was defective. I have never been able to fully accept being a genetic male, and I have never been able to feel that the image in a full length mirror, without clothing is really mine.

I still have two of my favorite dolls. A Felix the Cat doll, that I received from my parents for my sixth birthday, and my Raggedy Ann doll, (Miss Freckles,) that they gave me when I was seven. Its been over 50 years, and I still have my dolls, and am still living as April.

Well it is impossible to say, I voted for 1-10 because I think i was about 8 years ols when I first knew there was somthing different about me. I must admit it wasnt until I wa around 12 years I new exactly what wa going on

Quote from: foreversarah on April 08, 2008, 02:51:57 PM
I remember now, I didn't phrase it very well. I was meant to say did it appear between that age group or have you always known, if that makes sense.

I chose 10-20 because I didn't know about transsexuality until that age.

Not sure I answered correctly then, as I always knew about the need to be a girl, but didn't know it was called "transsexuality" or that others like me existed until 9ish or so...

~Kate~

Wow, that is amazing Kate, I'm not sure I was that aware of things when I was 9 or even 19 for that matter LOL... but
I think i was in deep denial by 19. :)

Amanda

Quote from: AlwaysAmanda on April 09, 2008, 02:00:23 PM
Wow, that is amazing Kate, I'm not sure I was that aware of things when I was 9 or even 19 for that matter LOL... but
I think i was in deep denial by 19. :)

Amanda

geeeessssss im 30 now and only just know whats going on. I dont know if im TS or just a nutta. The question is how do you really know, what tips you over the edge that you have to take mones. I want to but cant because of those around me. when do I say sod them I need to lk after me........

QuoteThe question is how do you really know, what tips you over the edge that you have to take mones.

I wish I had a better answer but... you just know.

It's like the first time that I wore a dress when I was about six... it just felt so right and made me so happy.

Hormones are like that, if there right for you... you will know it.

Amanda

I knew around puberty that I was the wrong sex but looking back at my early childhood I more closely followed the female pattern of development. Though my gender has always been split fairly evenly between masculine and feminine.

I discovered my auntie's wardrobe and the most beautiful contents.  I took full advantage of them, tried on the lovely silky lacy and comfortinging items, and this little ->-bleeped-<- of a boy caught me. He was my brother, a nasty piece of work and he milked this to his benefit and too my discomfort.

I was just enduring my early teens and he was just 11 years old, his work defined my years after that event and the brutal events that followed from my parents.  I have not experienced hatred of that intensity since those days within my own family.  :(

Quote from: Lucy on April 09, 2008, 03:09:09 PM
geeeessssss im 30 now and only just know whats going on. I dont know if im TS or just a nutta. The question is how do you really know, what tips you over the edge that you have to take mones. I want to but cant because of those around me. when do I say sod them I need to lk after me........

Lucy,

For me, I realized that i was transsexual when I spent a few days living as me.  During that time, I found an inner harmony that i never knew was missing.  I looked in the mirror and I saw woman staring back at me, not a "guy trying to look like a woman."  I suddenly felt very comfortable in my own skin.  That was when I knew I would transition.

That makes it 2 years ago this month.

Chaunte

I always knew. Thats the first thing I mention in my introduction post a couple days ago.

I went with 1-10 as I was around 6 or 7 when I was fascinated with my moms lipstick...I would put it on then wipe and wash it off with soap. I remember so many times getting the soap in my mouth where I almost threw up, how I never got caught is amazing. My mom often had this look on her face when she would be applying her lipstick and the tip would have tooth marks or just worn down in a different direction that she would use. ??? I could still remember the smell and the taste of that lipstick, I feel so bad now that I think about it. :(  I didn't know for sure at this age, but all I knew I would have liked to be a girl...sorry this is the best way of describing it.

It's hard for me to say. Before I was 14 I didn't even know what a "transsexual" was... However I first got the feelings around 9 or 10 when I really felt like I wanted to be doing things that the other girls were, and I (this is weird, I know.) really wanted to go through their changes in puberty instead.

However, before that point (most of which I can't even remember. >_<) I did really like doing typical girl stuff... Like playing with a dollhouse. My grandparents bought me a log cabin (which was supposed to be a "boy's dollhouse". -_-) and I loved playing with it, but I also really liked playing with my little cousin's dollhouse and also I really wanted to play with my sister's but it was up in the attic. I remember looking at it and thinking "I want that!"

But yeah, it was 14 when I really started considering I was transgendered and really a female on the inside. I believe that was also the year I first came out to my mom.

However, I do have to say the feelings were very prominent back when I was in the fifth grade. I remember shopping with my sister and mom... I was sitting outside the dressing room waiting for them or something like that and I was really hurting inside because I really wanted to be wearing the clothes they go to. Ever since I have always secretly ran to the girl's department and looked at the clothes there while my family was elsewhere. I do it more these days... but I still can't have any of it, so it hurts me.

QuoteWhen did you realise you were the opposite gender?

Hmmm... When I first *consciously* started thinking (as opposed to playing around and not caring) that I would prefer to be a boy, it was somewhere around the age of eleven or twelve (though I distinctly remember - hence the scarily-appropriate "When other little girls wanted to be ballet dancers, I kind of wanted to be a vampire" - thinking it would be wonderful to wake up in the morning as a male vampire when I was about nine). However, the lightbulb first went ***PING!!! TRANSGENDER!!!*** in January, a couple of months before my 21st. So I didn't vote, sorry, just 'cause I wasn't sure which one to vote for, my thoughts in childhood, or my "PING" moment.

I also realized I was bisexual somewhere around seventeen, so that sort of complicated things ('cause at that point I didn't know that gender and sexuality were different).

Lutin

6 years old.  It was then when I also realised the coming decades would turn out to be horrid.

QuoteHowever, I do have to say the feelings were very prominent back when I was in the fifth grade. I remember shopping with my sister and mom... I was sitting outside the dressing room waiting for them or something like that and I was really hurting inside because I really wanted to be wearing the clothes they go to. Ever since I have always secretly ran to the girl's department and looked at the clothes there while my family was elsewhere. I do it more these days... but I still can't have any of it, so it hurts me.

Hello Victoria,  you describe exactly how things were when I was in early teens.  I had   a very rough time with my parents because they could not deal with a placid and feminine thinking son whilst his younger brother was getting into all kinds of trouble.  It came to a head when I was taken to be kitted out for a school uniform at a specialist store.  My brother was an easy kid to deal with, he accepted anything that was given to him withouyt even a thought because he wanted to get back to his ActionMan toys, Tonka trucks etc.  Whilst he was being dealt with, I had wondered off into the girls section where I longed to be able to wear the lovely soft blouses and the most amazing looking pleated skirts.  It just felt so very natural and normal for me to want to be like all the other girls at school......my father found me 'fondling and placing a skirt across my front body ' to see how it might look on me and he completely lost it, and I got hell from him and my mother when we got back home.

The outcome was that I didnt get a new set of school clothes like my brother and the other boys at school found out why and made my life unbearable.   I knew at that time I needed to find a way to express myself and eventually I escaped the clutches of the family ( I ran away ) and found my own way in life.

Victoria?  I do not know much of you or of your background or circumstances tonight but do not despair, your time shall come. It took me 30 years to finally be able to live my life as me, Jennifer, a woman.  Okay, I have major challenges with my facial looks, the way I walk due to stroke disability and other things like voice and excess body hair but tonight, I was at work at the theatre ( unpaid volunteer ) wearing formal clothes expected of a female of my age ( skirt, blouse and sensible shoes etc ), I am used to it now and it felt so normal I wonder if my previous male life ever occured  ;) and my co-workers treat me in a way the defies any suggestion that I am 'that ->-bleeped-<-'  :)   

That is a really hard question.  When I look back, I knew at a very early age.  However, admitting it to myself was another thing.

I had no sisters, but remember looking so longingly at the things my mother had and wishing I could have those instead of the boring stuff I had.  I'm not proud of a lot of what I did back then, and I had no idea why I was doing it.  I would steal an item of girl clothing here and there when I could, to try on and keep, just for my special times.  I was a good sneak and never got caught.  But those are some of my earliest memories, wondering why I felt I needed to do that.  I didn't play with dolls, there were none around.  But I usually played alone.  My games were in my mind.  By the time Kindergarten came around I knew something was amiss.  I was very small compared to all of the other boys.  I cried a lot.  I got teased unmercifully.  All I knew is that I envied the girls.  They could cry and not feel bad about it.  Why not me?  It was not fair.  I knew I didn't fit in anywhere.  I was beaten up a lot by the other kids.  Many years of breaking free, then purging, then denial, ensued, and then the cycle would start all over again.  The big unexpected thing happened when I had a near fatal illness.  Upon recovery I realized that there was a huge part of me, a true part of me that almost never got a chance to live.  I opened the box and peeked inside.  I never want to shut it back.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi

Always knew but I hadn't the words to express it until my I was ten.

I can't remember thinking that I was anything else but a girl but as a child I never understood what those feelings were because I was told by the media, peers and everyone else that I was supposed to be a boy.

I always knew that I didn't relate to being a boy, but didn't have the words to express it as a young child. I  came out as transgender in my mid 30s.

Z

Only for sure about 6 months ago.

Alice

before age 3

It's interesting the number of people who said they first really "knew" by age 4.  In fact, I clicked on this thread expecting - maybe kind of hoping - to see just exactly that.  I was also about 4... and that's when the confusion *really* started.  Makes me feel a little less alone, but there must be something significant about that age.

Quote from: Sister Seagull on May 22, 2008, 11:41:35 PMthere must be something significant about that age.

Indeed. That is when children start to get an understanding of what gender is. Before that I thought gender was just an arbitrary distinction like hair, eye, or skin color. For some reason I never heard anyone say, "All right, children, everyone with straight hair line up on the left, and everyone with curly hair line up on the right!" No. Always boys this and girls that.

bastards.

I was 4 but I did not read about TSism until I was 11. Once I read about that I was relieved that there was something that could be done to correct this defect. I did not start doing anything to actually correct it until I was 30, mainly because I had no idea HOW to start the process.

Heh, talk about a loaded question.  I'm the gender that I am, not the opposite gender. ;D

Quote from: Alyssa M. on May 23, 2008, 12:24:35 PM

Quote from: Sister Seagull on May 22, 2008, 11:41:35 PMthere must be something significant about that age.

Indeed. That is when children start to get an understanding of what gender is. Before that I thought gender was just an arbitrary distinction like hair, eye, or skin color. For some reason I never heard anyone say, "All right, children, everyone with straight hair line up on the left, and everyone with curly hair line up on the right!" No. Always boys this and girls that.

bastards.

Well, yes that's true.  But I was thinking more along biological terms.  I wonder if there's a sort of "hormone surge" or something that occurs around that time, or some other change in the body/mind.

QuoteI wonder if there's a sort of "hormone surge" or something that occurs around that time, or some other change in the body/mind.

I am aware that hormones are converted in some way,  testosterone into oestrogens, naturally.  We are also unique as individual human beings with our own special chemistry.

All I can venture to suggest is that we are just born with our true gender and that genital indicators are not the way to assign gender at birth.  I much rather to believe that our gender is chosen for us prior to birth and that our physical appearence, that the medics use to determine us when born, is superficial. Why else do we have thousands among us with gender identity issues?

All that I now understand of my own situation is that I have never felt more comfortable in my current life as a female even with all of the hostilies that i endure daily.  I believe in my identity as a woman in a way that never occured during my dark days as a male.

i believe that I knew I was female before my birth, the feelings are just too strong to be anything but..... :)

I haven't answered the poll because I'm not the "opposite" gender, I'm betwixt and between.  But I knew something was up from a very young age.  A classic moment, at age 3 or 4, was when I cut my chin open trying to shave with my Dad's razor.  And then went around referring to the sticking-plaster as my "beard," thoroughly weirding out all the other kids at my playgroup...

In a nutshell: Girl next door was my playmate from age 3 or 4. Loved playing with her. Wanted to be able to wear skirts and dresses like her. As she got older wanted to go to Girls' Life Brigade (similar to Girl Guides) with her but not allowed. Could not relate to boys, got bullied and tortured by them. By the time I went to 'big school' I was considered an oddity by teachers and pupils and called names such as sissy and pansy. Wished with all my heart I had been born a girl. That's when I knew I wasn't really a boy.
(By the time I was sixteen I was fighting these feelings and trying extra hard to be a man - but that's another story).
Louise

In retrospect my memories are crystal clear that I always felt I needed to be one of the girls. Going back to my earliest awareness of gender differences when I began preschool at the age of 4. Before that, my sister and I had been raised pretty much the same, and while I knew of the anatomical difference, since we bathed together, I never knew there was supposed to be a gender difference until school sorted out boys and girls into two groups, and right away I instinctively felt I belonged among the girls. I loathed and detested the expectations placed on me to be a boy. But I could never say anything about it. I became silenced. My parents would turn a deaf ear to my gender issues then just as they do now, and their inflexible position has always been that I must conform to what's expected of me, end of story.

I was silenced in a way I've now come to understand is a common experience of oppression for girls in a patriarchal power structure, as it is for queers in a heterosexualist power structure. The powerless are silenced. There is a study of this in the book Women's Ways of Knowing.

Very early in life I learned that I could not do anything about my miserable situation, and what's worse--what horrifies me to see clearly now--I internalized the oppression. I formed the habit of thinking that even though I loathed maleness, there was nothing I could do about it. In fact, at school I learned that failure to demonstrate sufficient masculinity would get me regularly bullied and beaten up. I was a scared little kid in a hostile world, with no support from parents and other authority figures, whose only answer was that I had to become more masculine. I was a shy, retiring type and did not find it within me to rebel and assert my gender needs. So I knuckled under, and went along to get along.

That's how I grew up with the habit of burying and re-burying my innate femaleness every time it came up over the years, and went on trying to live as male even if it killed me. For many years, at least since I was 20 years old, I was consciously aware that I should have been a woman, although I was afraid of transsexualism which seemed too radical and scary. It wasn't until I was 45 that I got up enough gumption to come out and explicitly say I'm trans, I am woman.

So I can't really fix a single age for when I "realized" I was a girl. It depends on the definition of "realize." I wasn't able to articulate it when young, though I have all these cross-gender memories. It was always there, but it had to emerge from deep dark depths of repression, denial, and fear, which took many years before I could consciously own up to the full meaning of it. It will take a lot of healing from all the damage done to me since early childhood. Fortunately I've transitioned and healing is underway.

Roughly Speaking, age 5. I didn't know what it was exactly but I knew something was different, always sensed it. Knew something just wasn't right. But like a fool I surpassed it. Over time I learned how to act like a male but it wasn't my real self. I pieced together the the male Identy from things like Rambo, Video Game Charecters Like Guile From Street Fighter, ect. And it worked in fooling everyone around me for the most part. My closest friends where the only ones who saw the real me, but even they didn't see the real me until recently. All I can really say about my life before saying something and taking the first step to my freedom is this: Hell hath no fury

I put 10-20.  I always remember my Mom teaching my things that little girls were taught cooking, housekeeping, stuff like that.  In middle school the boys took Home Ec and the girls took Shop,  part of a cross education experiment I think.  But I took to the Sewing, and cooking like a fish to water.  That is when the bullying started.  I was different and a target.  I started wearing my Mom's clothes when they were not home and it felt normal.  I did the same thing with my first wife.  It wasn't until I hit 20 that I found out that there was such a thing as ' A woman trapped in a male body '.  It was then that I knew of sure and I have been fighting it ever since, until NOW.  I am '' this close to full time and I can not be happier.

My vote was based on gender. I realized my gender identity when I was 17.

But I've always felt like I was in the wrong sort of body.

QuoteI am '' this close to full time and I can not be happier.

Oh yes !!  I have been fulltime for nearly 3 years and it is wonderful not ever having to think about it.  Of course, other challenges remain but at least I can concentrate on the medical side of things rather than whether I should be a man or a woman to suit circumstances  :)

I am obviously mindful of those of us that cannot go fulltime and I wish the best of outcomes for you but I believe that the sooner one decides, the better it is for you in the long term.  ;)

Quote from: JENNIFER on July 22, 2008, 12:51:10 PMI have been fulltime for nearly 3 years and it is wonderful not ever having to think about it.  Of course, other challenges remain but at least I can concentrate on the medical side of things rather than whether I should be a man or a woman to suit circumstances  :)

That's a good way to put it. The major burden has been lifted from us. All that remains is tidying up.