Susan's Place Transgender Resources

well, the sh*t hit the fan finally. i made a promise to her that i intended to keep. she said she'd try it. don't get me wrong she's supported me up till now.she supports me, but can't stay married to me while i transition. i told her that i love her and want to honor my commitment to her, but she's making it really hard wanting to date already and i'm nowhere near ready to see her or me with anyone else. she wants to stay living together as sisters, i've already made a few of my own rules, if we do date, it's not allowed in our home in front of the kids, and i'm not going to be the live-in babysitter/housekeeper while she goes out on dates with whomever(nor do i expect her to do the opposite). i expect men to pursue me, they already do, i'm just not attracted to them, and even if i did once on hormones i was still going to honor my commitment to her.

so, my question(actually it's hers) is: for those of you are married, what are your rules for each other if your dating, especially if it's not each other(which seems like it will be my situation)???

All input is welcomed and thanks,
Mickie
The Saddened Warrior Princess
:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

If either of you are dating, it sounds like time to make things official and divorce.


Sarah L.

just for the record, neither of us is dating yet, i think it's still quite too early.

Mickie
The Saddened Warrior Princess

Wow that's tough Mickie, it must be hard to deal with that. I agree with
Sarah though... if you're talking about dating, doing it is not far behind. Are
you trying to stay together because of the kids?

I've actually had this conversation with my SO and for me it's not even a question, if
my SO was killed tomorrow I would not date anyone male or female. I had
no interest pre hormones and I have even less now in starting a new
relationship based on sex. I'd probably join a girls club of some type just for the
companionship. :) I guess in a perfect life I'd find two or three women
that wanted a TS friend or roomate. But that is just me.

For my SO (and yours too I assume) I can see the need to date and to
have "a man". They have needs, both sexually and emotionally that I can't
comprehend to some extent and if something happened to me or if my SO wanted
to move on I'd be alright with that because her happiness is very important to me.
And I don't think I should prevent that if that is what she wanted.

So to answer your question, I'd let her do it with your complete blessing and no rules. Even
the "in front of the kids" rule... if she moves out it she will be dating "in front of the kids".
You made your decision and she supported you and I think she has made hers, it seems only fair to
me to support it. I know that is not what you want to hear, it's not what I'd what to
hear either but I think it's the right thing to do. Part of your commitment to her
was her happiness in my mind. And letting someone go and chase their dreams may be a way
of honoring that commitment.  I don't think dating is  a very workable situation though while living
in the same house. Like you say... you're not ready to see it. And I feel for you, I really do.

Amanda

Mickie,

I'm Dan, married to a transman for 27 years (although I just found out about the trans stuff three years ago). I think that marriage is a contract. It is always open to renegotiation, I suppose, but like all contracts the assumption is that both parties agree to the terms openly, freely, without coercion, and with clear understanding. You do not sound as though you are ready to accept the open marriage concept--except, perhaps, as a desparate attempt to save your marriage. Well, that would be a faulty contract in my opinion.

In other words, it sounds as though you both have had--and you still want--an exclusive monogamous relationship. Am I right? If so, then you need to tell her you're not ready to change the agreement, and that you hope she isn't either. On the other hand, you also need to stand ready to do whatever you can to help meet her needs and, therefore, keep that part of your agreement. She may well think that your transitioning IS a change of the agreement. When this happened to me, all I could think is "This is a deal breaker! I never married a man!" Well, you need to give her the help to learn and understand that she DID marry a woman. It just wasn't obvious before.

I don't mean to sound like a lawyer--I don't even play one on TV--but sometimes it helps to think like one. If you both want to keep your marriage--and I hope that's the case--you need to be partners. You both need to understand that both of you, and your relationship, are in transition--not just you! And, yes, this also includes your relationship with your children. Mickie, this isn't about whether she supports you or not any more than it's about your supporting her! Are you willing to slow down, to take the time (and the love and the caring and the counsiling) needed to bring her along on your fabulous journey? That's what it means to transition as a couple.

I am so glad my spouse was able to do that for me. I'm sure I went through all or most of the mental, emotional and physical challenges your sweetie is going through, but my spouse let me do that. He gave me the time and the space. He was open to hear it. And he put our relationship above his transition. Can you do that? If so, I suspect you can have your family and your transition, and maybe even live happily ever after.

Best to you!
Dan

Quote from: mickie on April 16, 2008, 03:20:08 PM
well, the sh*t hit the fan finally. i made a promise to her that i intended to keep. she said she'd try it. don't get me wrong she's supported me up till now.she supports me, but can't stay married to me while i transition. i told her that i love her and want to honor my commitment to her, but she's making it really hard wanting to date already and i'm nowhere near ready to see her or me with anyone else. she wants to stay living together as sisters, i've already made a few of my own rules, if we do date, it's not allowed in our home in front of the kids, and i'm not going to be the live-in babysitter/housekeeper while she goes out on dates with whomever(nor do i expect her to do the opposite). i expect men to pursue me, they already do, i'm just not attracted to them, and even if i did once on hormones i was still going to honor my commitment to her.

so, my question(actually it's hers) is: for those of you are married, what are your rules for each other if your dating, especially if it's not each other(which seems like it will be my situation)???

All input is welcomed and thanks,
Mickie
The Saddened Warrior Princess
:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

QuoteMickie, this isn't about whether she supports you or not any more than it's about your supporting her! Are you willing to slow down, to take the time (and the love and the caring and the counsiling) needed to bring her along on your fabulous journey? That's what it means to transition as a couple.

I am so glad my spouse was able to do that for me. I'm sure I went through all or most of the mental, emotional and physical challenges your sweetie is going through, but my spouse let me do that. He gave me the time and the space. He was open to hear it. And he put our relationship above his transition. Can you do that? If so, I suspect you can have your family and your transition, and maybe even live happily ever after.

I think this is really great insight and advise. "And he put our relationship above his transition" ....  that is exactly what I'm going to try to do.

Thank you Dan... I think everyone here would say you're a very special spouse :) Please stick around and share more insight :)

Amanda

thank you Dan, and Amanda,

this is exactly what i have been trying to tell her. i'm not just in transition we ALL are. i understand she has needs and wants. and i've been trying to tell her the best way i can. i want to bring her along on my journey. my coworkers say i have lot more guts than they do. i have pretty much been living full time for about two years at home. i'm guessing she didn't realize that when i told her before we got married and had kids, (i wanted them the old fashioned way since i can't have them]. i'm glad you and your partner worked things out, Dan. i am still hoping we can do the same. she's prego with our last child, so her moods a lot of the time i think are triggered more by that than anything else. once i start actually physically start seeing a therapist, if i can get someone to watch our kids i would love to take her, because i know she needs somebody to talk to other than just me. i tell her she can talk to everyone on here but she refuses, i can understand after a long hard day at work, i just wish she'd put in a little more effort. i want to be able to take her a long with me, and i have slowed down quite a bit, as most know, i'm not on hormones yet, and probably won't be at least for another 3-4 months. she says she can't see me as a woman most of the time because i'm angry. well, i have reasons to be angry, most of the time it's my kids misbehaving, or she's calling me at work to tell me on the weekends that they are misbehaving, when i am at work what am i suppose to do? i mean i'm at work...lol. itry soooooo hard to be patient with everyone, it only just gets harder and harder. i'm just tring to take it one day at a time.


thanks all for your support,
Mickie,
The New Warrior Princess

We were both exploring other relationships for a year before we separated.  No, nobody was brought home during that time, but we got progressively free about talking about it, even in front of the kids.  Since we were supportive of each other in this process, the kids have been supportive of us, too.  As far as I can tell, they want each of us to be with whoever will make us happy.

In my experience, men would bring up the topic if they were thinking about it sometime in the future, women would bring it up only after they made up their mind that they are going to do it.