Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I have been looking for a forum for a while now. I saw this site a while ago, but was nervous about actually joining, still trying to deny what I knew was true I guess.

I have hidden myself for so long, that it is important for for me to be honest now. So, with my introduction, I'll tell my story. It is important for me simply to try to understand it all and for all the others who might be questioning.

For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a boy. I can't remember a time when i didn't. I remember writing stupid letters to santa begging to be a boy. I can remember thinking if i wished hard enough, one day I would miraculously become a boy. It happened to Pinnocchio after all, why not me? I remember when I could conceptualize the meaning of God, praying every night that I would be a boy. It never happened, therefore I must not be good enough.

I remember my mother telling me she always wanted a son. I remember her telling me that I looked so much like my father it made her want to cry. (My father died before my second birthday.)

I have suffered much abuse over the years. Sexual abuse from ages 2-19. Physical abuse always until I moved from home. This always lead me to believe it was a sense of power i was looking for and I saw that in males, therefore I wished to be male.

At age 15, I finally discovered what gay meant. I thought I was a was a lesbian and tried so hard to be a good one, but it just wasn't right. Still the desire to be seen as male was still present.

At age 23, I fell in love with a wonderful gay man, although i could not admit it, because I was a good little lesbian. During our friendship, he mentioned the subject of transitioning. I dismissed it, thinking it was not an option.

Now, I am partnered with a wonderfully open minded woman. She is very supportive and surprisingly seemed to be excited when I told her (2 days ago) what I was thinking. She asked me why it hadn't been obvious to me before.

I have cried until I can cry no more. The realization of who I am has overwhelmed me, simply because it was there all along and I denied it.

I was always a very active child, extremely muscular and strong for a girl and could match any boy. I was denied sports like baseball and football, because I was a girl. I think the boys were just scared.

My physical energy, sexual energy, and humor have always been "male", but was stifled in an effort to be "female". I have repressed feelings and i have abused my mind and body in an effort to be what society sees as a"girl".

It took stumbling across websites and really looking at myself in the mirror, for it to finally dawn on me. I see male and have never seen anything but male. It was an epiphany. It was like somebody opened a puzzle and all the pieces fell softly into place. My muddled memories of my childhood were not so confusing and I could see a clear path.

The changes in my life just over the past 6 days have been amazing. I'm no longer afraid to be who I should have been from the start. I no longer feel embarrassed about who I am and I am excited about my journey, although still a little scared. I am no longer angry about my past. I am no longer angry about who I am.  I have alot of work to do to get to where I want to be.

I want to thank every one that has had the strength to post here and at other sites. Without those people, my life would have dragged on in an endless effort to be a social norm.

Hi Fayde... welcome to Susans! What a wonderfully well-written intro!

I am SO sorry you've suffered so much. Having to deal with abuse... on TOP of the TSism... I just cannot imagine :(

But I'm really happy you found us! It's a great bunch of people here - you're amoungst friends :)

EDIT: May I inquire about your name? I keep picturing Feyd Ruatha (I think that's it) from the (original) "Dune" movie. I think Sting played him... and... wow, lol. NOT that I'm attracted to men. Really. I'm not, lol. But I can appreciate a fine male form when I see it :)

Great intro Fayde.

Welcome to Susan's.  One thing is for sure is that you never have to hide or worry about posting here, speaking your mind, looking for help, advice or just a place to talk with friends.  That's what we are here for.  Susan's members make this such a great site, so please do take advantage of them as there is such a wealth of information to be gleaned from their variety of life experiences, which are impossible to list here to list here.

On top of all that we have our Wiki, the Chat area, our links area, for you to explore and make use of.  Please take part in the forums you will meet great people there, and of course be sure to read the rules.  So relax and enjoy.

Chat later.

Steph

Welcome Fayde. A lot of echos of my own life in your story. Good luck on your journey. I have had the good fortune to have supportive friends, family, and employers. You have the additional good fortune to have a supportive partner. I'm glad for you.

Dennis

Hello Fayde,
I was deeply touched by your story and identified with it a lot. So much so that in my first reply I wrote something kind of personal, but luckily I removed it before too many people saw it. Seems like most guys write really short intros. I know mine was one paragraph.
Have you received treatment of any kind for the long term sexual abuse you suffered? Going through that on top of everything else is more than I can imagine.
Again was deeply moved by your introduction and for that I am grateful to you.
Welcome.
Nero

Thank you for the replies^^ It's a great feeling to accepted so openly and honestly.

To answer questions presented,

Yes, Kate Feyd Ruatha.  Although I'm a bit more refined. So Paul would be more likely^^

And yes, therapy for the abuse has spanned more than 10 years, including  time in and out of hospitals on Adolescent and Adult psych units and ADD units.

I was a mess, but it all seems so clear now.

Nice intro, Fayde. 

Great catch on Dune, Kate.  It's probably been 30 years since I read the books.  Found them a bit dry and gloomy as I recall.  But the desert transportation system was a wild ride.

But, hey, Susan might be upset if she catches you two tracking sand in here.   ;D

Robyn

Hi, Fayde!  Please let me add my welcome too.

Quote from: Fayde on June 01, 2006, 03:01:49 PM
It took stumbling across websites and really looking at myself in the mirror, for it to finally dawn on me.

That's about how it clicked for me too.  And yes, I had a true life altering upheaval in the days after.  I hope you find as much, or more (if possible), good from your association with Susan's as I have.

again, WELCOME!
helen

Fayde,
      There are many things you will find that are much the same with many FtM's. It sound like you have been through alot and have come out the other side ready to begin to be who you always have been. I went through similar things like with sports, I was told I should be playing with the boys, and I tried to have boyfriends, that never felt right because I wanted to be one. All the girls I was with were straight because I just would never of had it any other way. I never considered myself a lesbian. My story is long, so I don't want to go on and on so I just want to welcome you and always feel free to ask me anything.

                                                Marco

Welcome Fayde!
                I'm an SO here (if you assumed from my usermane that I'm with Marco, you are correct).  :)  I think you'll find great support here.  Invite your partner to check the site out.  They have a great "significant other" support base here too.

Again, welcome and thank you for being so open and honest!

Pam

hey fayde and welcome it take alot to come out like that even if its online im happy you did we all know how hard it is to take that first step
alot of the things you said reminded me on my past i to was abused by the men in my life earlier on and i thought that maybe thats why i didnt want to be a girl but the truth is i was never a girl way before the abuse i cried at night wishing i would somhow wake up in the right body .
anyway its good to hear from you  have a good one
jaded

well, my gf took it very well and asked why I hadn't thought of it before O.O! I think she is very excited for me.

I just told my mom and of course she cried, but it ended up ok. She just wants me to be happy. She did of course fill me in on some details from my childhood which I think helped both of us. Looking back on things I think she realizes that this is not one of my whims or a phase.

One of the things that really bothers me though is that she doesn't want me to change my first name. She doesn't care about the middle name. I wanted to take my father's name, but after talking to her I just can't. :/ Her guilt and anguish from my past is too much, I can't throw that big of an issue on her.

I'll be moving soon to a bigger city and have talked to some friends there. They are getting some things prepared for me and I have already received emails from some support groups. OOO and I'm scared, but excited. I think this will be a fantastic journey.^^

Excellent Fayde. A new city is rthe best place to transition. Good luck.

                                     Marco

 Hi Fayde, Let me also give my welcom to you.
Good luck in transitioning.


Owen
love being female