Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Mirror, mirror on the wall what the heck are you looking at me for?  Gill say's that I'm lucky I'm not a vampire, as it would drive me crazy not to be able to see my reflection :)  I guess I am a little obsessive.

So the big question is ....

When you look in the mirror what do you see?

Steph

When I use to look in the mirror I would see this guy that occasionally trying to look like a woman. I didn't like looking at him.
But now I see a woman who makes herself look passable as a male for work.
It a 100% change and I love it. I'm still working on the large pores and the bags under the eyes. The only things I don't really like are what is between my legs. It's just all wrong. My bra size is A not good but with the right padding I can make them look like B's. I got a good bum (butt) and if I wear the right cloths my hips look okay.
So all in all I almost like what I see know.
Like you Steph my wife also says I'm obsessive about how I look.
:)
Jillieann

When I look in the mirror, I see me.  I see a female most of the time, but occasionally a very feminine guy.  Like you Stephanie, I look at myself in the mirror a lot.  Why? I like seeing the changes.

Melissa

During puberty, mirrors were my worst enemy, no the shower was.
All reflective surfaces were covered up.
But now you can't pry me away from the mirror.
This is really bizarre, but over the last two years the man in me is coming out more and more physically and I looked in the mirror one day and saw the person I am when I'm asleep - the same person I always was in my dreams and knew I couldn't deny this any longer.
So today, when I look in the mirror I definitely see a man staring back (albeit one with breasts and a high voice).
I like what I see, except it's time for another haircut, and a beard wouldn't hurt either.

Nero

It depends on what mode I am in...

In male mode, I usually don't look in the mirror.  On the rare occassion that I do, I see me aching to break free.  I am very stoic when I see my male-mode reflection.

When I am being me and look in the mirror, I see a woman at peace with herself.  Confident.  Self assured.  Ready to take on the world and win.

Chaunte

I see a 69 year-old woman who just doesn't feel that old.  Even the fact that she might not have much hair until her clothes are on doesn't bother me.  Having had cancer, I can always claim cehmo gone bad.  (Only my husband, my dermatologist, and my hairdresser ever see that part of my head.)

I also see someone who is very comfortable in all but 10 pounds of her body, the 10 pounds that will go bye bye once I can go home and live life my way again.

And when its a full length mirror, I see a body that is Correct.

Robyn

When I see that guy in the mirror I shudder and sigh before turning away.

When I look in the mirror and see my self I usually think, "Not too bad but .  .   ." and sometimes I think, "WOW!  I never realized I could look THIS good!"  Those are the days I wish I had a digital camera.

Unfortunately the latter circumstance is all too rare.  :(

helen

WHOA......

pandora your box!

What do I C????

in this exact order:
Pain, suffering, depression, hope, flaws, sickness, lonelieness,Damian, Love, Passion, A pretty man!LOL, a beautiful woman and I finally end up at ME Chynna  

All though the BF usually interupts me somewhere around depression & lonelieness...which is where all the good stuff comes in...
He knows my mind wonders when I am in front of the looking glass!
but I love mirrors...I dont know why?

Chynna

Mirrors... I think I have some bizarre love/hate obsession with them. I look in them more than is healthy, I think.

When I'm down, when things seem bleak, I'll look in the mirror and despair. I see... something. In my mind, I cannot see myself as male but neither can I feel truly female. I'm something in between--a tired lost one, teetering on a razor's edge of hope, searching for the solution.

But other times, I gaze into the mirror and I see the glimmers of possibility. While the image is only faint, it holds fleeting visions of potential: something to latch my dreams onto. And I begin to wonder... dare I hope? And should I find the strength to sow the seeds, just maybe I'll be able to nurture my dreams as they blossom into reality. Then when I step back into 'now', I am reminded that this is me no matter what I look like or what others think, and I can never again put the genie back into the bottle. I am not a man or male, and never was. And though in my mind, I know I am not quite on the other side yet, I can make my way. After all, as the feminist Simone de Beauvoir once wrote, "One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman." And for me, that will be true in more ways than one.

~Kaitlyn

Quote from: Kaitlyn on June 17, 2006, 10:33:41 PM

But other times, I gaze into the mirror and I see the glimmers of possibility. While the image is only faint, it holds fleeting visions of potential: something to latch my dreams onto. And I begin to wonder... dare I hope?

I see pleading. I see dispair. I see fear.

But I also see love. Laughter. A wink and a smile.

And most of all: Hope.

like a lot of replies to this post, i also had a "how i used to look at myself" which has changed quite a bit over the past 5 years even though i'm still pre T.

i used to look at myself and pick everything apart when i was first starting to learn what it really means to be a man (that's another post all together!). "i need a more defined jaw line. why are my eyelashes so long, that's why people think i look female (when i realize now that all of the men in my family have that). my hair isn't masculine enough..." etc.

i'm not entirely sure what changed and when (although i know it was gradual), but now even though sometimes i feel not too hot about how i look, i've become quite a big fan of mirrors. loving that fact that i'm working out and my muscle build is that of a mans, just how it should be.

i believe that a reason why a lot of trans people really like looking in the mirror after a while is because for so long the reflection didn't match up. but once at a certain point of self-confidence and passing, it's much easier to look at ones self in the mirror and say "hey there you good looking guy/girl you!"... or something along those lines!

-Tino-

When I look in the mirror I see me as a man, yet when I stare for a while I can see the woman.If there is facial hair present, I will grimace and sigh. I look in mirrors all the time, perhaps too much, caught in my own reflection. If I look int the mirror when the room is candle-lit, I see me, the woman staring back at me in full detail. Those are the times that I love, when I see the woman who stares back at me from the mirror.  Those are the times my mind becomes tranquil and I can see the lovely smile come forth.

Jennifer

I see me, finally. After all these years. I look tired. I always look tired, but I guess I deserve to be given what it's taken to be me.

I like looking in a mirror these days.

Dennis

Hi everyone,

When I look in the mirror I see Elizabeth.  Don't matter how I am dressed or even if I am dressed at all.  What you see in my avater is what I see when I look in the mirror, no matter what, that is what my brain registers.  Being in the open has been the happiest two years of my entire life.  I like seeing me happy, there were so many years that I thought I would never be happy.

Love always,
Elizabeth

For me mirrors are sometimes my friends and others an enemy.
I see on them half of the time this 25 r old girl wearing male clothing and others i see a femenized male.
Yet both have long mid shoulder lengh hair as my wig.. even when i'm not wearing it..

When I look in the mirror I see, ME.  Whoever that is?

Quote from: wolfie on June 18, 2006, 03:54:28 AM
why are my eyelashes so long, that's why people think i look female (when i realize now that all of the men in my family have that).

Same deal for my family.  My Dad, brother, me, my son and daughter all have long lashes.  I love having that now.  I don't even have to wear mascara.

Melissa

I do not look in the mirror unless I can absolutely avoid it.  I avoid catching my reflection in glass like the plague.  I have learned to live, dress, and so forth without looking in a mirror.  Other than very few exceptions, I have not looked in a mirror in close to a year.

I am FtM in crisis.  I cannot bear to see the reflection of the body I wear.  It is not ME.

Gregori,
Do you bind? I recently started binding a few days ago, and now I can't stay out of the mirror.
Before, I liked my reflection, but I would cringe if I caught that "breast profile" when I passed a mirror or glass. No man wants to have breasts. With the breasts bound, I can really see myself the way I am supposed to look and can't help but say to myself "Nero, you are such a stud!"
I didn't think binding would make a difference and I held off because I remembered the discomfort of it from my puberty days, but if you get the correct size it is no less comfortable than a sports bra.
It makes all the difference in the world, it really does.

Nero

Quote from: Nero on July 23, 2006, 11:02:59 AM
Gregori,
Do you bind? I recently started binding a few days ago, and now I can't stay out of the mirror.
Before, I liked my reflection, but I would cringe if I caught that "breast profile" when I passed a mirror or glass. No man wants to have breasts. With the breasts bound, I can really see myself the way I am supposed to look and can't help but say to myself "Nero, you are such a stud!"
I didn't think binding would make a difference and I held off because I remembered the discomfort of it from my puberty days, but if you get the correct size it is no less comfortable than a sports bra.
It makes all the difference in the world, it really does.

Nero

I have thought of it, however, I am "blessed" with double D's.  Fibrous at that.  Binding sufficient to make them invisible would not be possible, I do not think.  I am going to try though... maybe that would be "trainable".

Also, this body looks female in face and general shape.

Even if I could make this 5'6" body look more masculine, it is not going to turn into the 6'2" male I know and feel I am.  I know how I am supposed to look and without major alterations and surgery, plus a bit of magic, I am not going to manage that one.

I am in such a mess that I cringe at the thought of showering, I avoid looking "down" for any reason, I do not even look at "my" hands when I type.

Bless this life!

QuoteEven if I could make this 5'6 body look more masculine, it is not going to turn into the 6'2 male I know and feel I am. I know how I am supposed to look and without major alterations and surgery, plus a bit of magic, I am not going to manage that one.

That sucks, Gregori. I am fortunate in that, I am a short guy on the inside as well as the outside.
This may be because if I were a bio-guy, I most likely would have been short anyway, as my grandfather and uncles were all very short, right around my height actually.

QuoteI am in such a mess that I cringe at the thought of showering, I avoid looking "down" for any reason,...

I have this problem as well. When I am naked, I see a man with breasts (firm, extremely feminine breasts), and it just does not look right. They don't fit with the rest of my body, and it looks very wrong. I also hate that I have to wear a shirt at the pool - all these hot chicks in bikinis sunning themselves at my complex's pool and I have to hide this divine figure of mine under a tank top. :D

I know it sucks, man. Hang in there. I'm trying to.
I would also be interested in what Gregori really looks like, besides being 6'2, if you're willing to share.
It would help me visualize when I read your posts.

Nero

Quote from: Gregori on July 23, 2006, 11:15:02 AMEven if I could make this 5'6" body look more masculine, it is not going to turn into the 6'2" male I know and feel I am.

I'm the other way around. I'm somewhere around 6'1" but feel like I should be much smaller. I know there are tall women (models, for instance) and that some have a wide bust, but that's just not me. :( I should be petite and cute.

Can I give you some of my excess height? :)

Quote from: umop ap!sdn on July 23, 2006, 03:13:03 PM
I'm the other way around. I'm somewhere around 6'1" but feel like I should be much smaller. I know there are tall women (models, for instance) and that some have a wide bust, but that's just not me. :( I should be petite and cute.

For what it's worth Julie, I never realized you were tall... I've always imagined you being petite - that's always been your "essence" to me, if not the physical reality.

My mental image of myself is of a taller woman... but more like 5'9", not the actual 6'2" ;) I'd LIKE to have been smaller than even that, but I guess I'm picturing what I woulda been had the chromosomes been xx.

When I look in the mirror, I see a rather ugly woman. Which is somewhat insane, as intellectually I know I'm a guy physically - and I should judge my looks AS a guy. But instead, I just see the male traits as deformities... whiskers, manly nose, manly cheeks, etc., which just depresses the heck out of me.

The subject of body dysmorphic disorder was mentioned in other threads, and it sometimes does make me wonder. I mean, you'd think I'd still be able to look in the mirror and think, "well, I look OK for a guy, I just wish I could look female." But instead, I can't seem to seperate the two, and I'm left with "you're one ugly female."

Quote from: jan c on July 23, 2006, 04:23:20 PM
In my quest for truth I used to ingest psychomemetric substances, and fairly frequently. When checking the mirror, it would usually morph or melt down to a strangely familiar ancient woman of I donno, east Indian or Egyptian race.
That's a little weird for what was ostensibly a white boy. Now those two different views are merging for real. Only half as ancient.
It's been a trip.

That's wild. Who do you suppose the ancient woman was?

Nero

Quote from: cindianna_jones on July 23, 2006, 05:53:13 PM
Indian blood runs strong in my family as well.  A dominant gene carries strong cheekbones prominent in the women of my family.  Chief Massasoit was one of my ancestors.  I wonder if I could start a casino on my land?

I wouldn't bet on it ;)

Oh stop booing me ya all... you know you wanted to say it...

Quote from: cindianna_jones on July 23, 2006, 06:19:05 PM
Why doesn't Kate post her real pic?

Ah, but which is "real?"

The true illusion created through Dermablend and plastic hair?

Or the false reality of the physical self?

In either case, someone is being deceived. Which provokes a moral dilemna a bit like HAL in 2001. In all choices I am a criminal.

Almost, but not quite the woman I am.  There's a male overlay on my features.  I understand that something can be done about that... :icon_mrgreen:

Lately...I see a woman who is very scared....


tinkerbell :icon_chick:

Quote from: cindianna_jones on July 23, 2006, 10:55:10 PM
And Tinkerbell, from my side looking in on you, I see a warm, caring, and most compassionate woman. She is so sweet and reaches out to help anyone.  You have touched me in a very constructive way. I'm proud to say that I know you.

Cindi

Hi Cindi:  :icon_bunch:  :angel:

Your words are very much appreciated!  Thank you!


tinkerbell :icon_chick:

In my old life, I did not look in the mirror, I did not look at photographs of myself, and if I had to shave, I concentrated on the blade and looked past the rest of me.  I still cannot look at old photos of myself, or if I happen to see one, I feel revulsion.  I certainly never looked myself in the eye the way I can now.  I had FFS as well as HRT, so my transformation has been radical, so much so that people who have not seen me in the last year do not recognize me.  Now I catch myself gazing in the mirror often (too often probably) and I see a woman.  I sometimes feel I look attractive, sometimes I think I look hideous.  When I told this to a good friend, she said, "Ha! Welcome to womanhood."

Dawn

Quote from: DawnL on July 24, 2006, 12:41:40 PM
and if I had to shave, I concentrated on the blade and looked past the rest of me.

Just a sidenote on this: I love using shaving cream, because it can completely mask my beard (not much left now though), and give the illusion of a puffier, more feminine face. I used to think I was nuts for thinking that until I saw a few others mention it on here.

I am 5'9".  For me, sometimes I will be among a group of women who are 5'6" and I feel so tall and out of place.  Other times, I will see a bunch of men towering over me and that makes me feel good.  Sometimes I will see a couple of women taller than me.  However, nobody acts like I'm out of place.

Sometimes I look in a dark reflective window as I'm walking past and see my reflection and I see a woman walking and that makes me smile.  Sometimes I will look in a mirror when I do not have makeup on and I will see facial hair that has yet to be lasered off and I will get extremely depressed.  I would say facial hair is the number one thing that makes me feel dysphoric right now.  It's difficult to hide and just looks so awful on me.  Even if it was patches, that would be better, but even after 9 hours of electrolysis in the same area and 2 laser treatments, I could still grow a mustache.  :o  It's so depressing.  It makes me want to shave it often which irritates my skin and then it's even harder to hide.  I wish I didn't have to wait so long between treatments.  Fortunately, I seem to be able to cover it well enough so that nobody has noticed it and said anything yet.

If I cover my face with makeup, I see a woman and that makes me happy.  I imagine I will look better in about 3 months, since hormones will have done more work and I'll have had 2 more laser treatments.  I'm too embarrased to go anywhere that my facial hair might be seen.

I used to look at myself in the mirror as a really ugly woman and that would make me cry.  Now I don't feel that way, just because of life experiences.  Sometimes I will look and see a very feminine looking male and other times a woman.  I think it's related more to how I see myslef, rather than how I actually look.

Well, that's about it for my disconnected thoughts on this subject.

Melissa

I don't mind the pain of the treatments to my upper lip.  To me it is far less pain than looking in the mirror at the hair growing there.

Melissa

Quote from: cindianna_jones on July 24, 2006, 01:05:16 PM...
I never thought that I would remember them with any fondness.
...

The passage of time is good for something ;)

Quote"if you've got it flaunt it, baby".

Too true. If you have a conspicuous feature, you must own it. You must wear it well.
There is nothing less attractive than a 6'0 woman trying to blend into the woodwork.
But, a 6'0 woman who holds her head high, and relishes seeing all the heads turn when she enters a room, is very attractive indeed.

Nero

Quote from: cindianna_jones on July 24, 2006, 01:51:11 PM
What I find sad is that I have lost so much in my purges. Even after "my time", I would purge  old photos and memorabilia.
I wish now, that I still had those old pictures.  Even the one with the redneck beard.  Sheesh.
Cindi

I wonder if I will.  I continue to shred old photos and artifacts of my past, erase my old name from every possible location, but denying that life completely isn't possible.  I just hope to come to peace with it someday in the future.

Dawn

Quote from: Kate on July 23, 2006, 03:30:33 PM
For what it's worth Julie, I never realized you were tall... I've always imagined you being petite - that's always been your "essence" to me

Well neat. :) It actually feels validating to hear that - like I'm not crazy for feeling this way or thinking it. LOL. But on the other hand...

Quote from: Nero on July 24, 2006, 02:37:27 PMThere is nothing less attractive than a 6'0 woman trying to blend into the woodwork.
But, a 6'0 woman who holds her head high, and relishes seeing all the heads turn when she enters a room, is very attractive indeed.

...good advice. Then the trick becomes to learn such confidence myself, even though it does seem like it's not the real me.

How confusing.  :-\

I've noticed that a lot of tall TS women (like Kate and Julie) tend to look very pretty and I think this works out well.  People may look at you because of your height, but what they'll see when they look is a beautiful woman.

Melissa

Everytime I've looked in the mirror I've seen the same thing ... me.... the problem was when I was younger I would see a woman who was too tall, too broad, had facial hair, and was flat as a board...... Now I see me, for better or worse. Which is a lot better than seeing for worse all the time  :) 

Depends on when I look in the mirror.......  used to say the beginning of this current hell was 7 years from the broken mirror...... as just over 7 years ago and most of the period before that starting from puberty Id grow so depressed and hate the face looking back at me enough to break the mirrors at times........ I know I put my fist through 3 and other vaious objects through another few and smashed atleast 6 hand held mirrors on the ground.......

When I looked in the mirrior 8 or 9 months ago Id see myself...... though alittle hairy at times..... and still with the oversized chin and the awfull brow ridge but I was moveing forward. Practicaly became obsesed with looking in mirrios about then .... HRT stopped.. the majority of the softness left and I avoided the mirror as much as possable once again......

As of right now its a 50/50 thing........ half the time (makeup or not) I see me......... the other half the time I see the monster.........

Probably why I want FFS first and hold it as more important than the final surgery, despite the fact that hrt will probably be more than enough facialy.............

If I were to look in the mirror right now, I would see a sad woman, because she doesn't see herself as very beautiful and wishes HRT would do it's thing faster.  She wonders why nobody seems to read her, because when she looks at other women, she sees beauty, but when she looks at herself, she just sees a woman.  :'(

Melissa

Quote from: Melissa on July 28, 2006, 03:46:21 PM
If I were to look in the mirror right now, I would see a sad woman, because she doesn't see herself as very beautiful and wishes HRT would do it's thing faster.  She wonders why nobody seems to read her, because when she looks at other women, she sees beauty, but when she looks at herself, she just sees a woman.  :'(

Melissa

Sadly Melissa, HRT will not change our facial features, it may have very minimal effects, such a skin softening, and reduced hair growth.  As far as making anyone prettier, beautiful, look like a woman, then you will need to pursue other avenues.

Steph

Thanks for the encouragement Steph. :P  What I really need to do is lose weight.  That will make a big difference and probably help me feel better about my body.

Melissa

Quote from: Melissa on July 28, 2006, 03:57:38 PM
Thanks for the encouragement Steph. :P  What I really need to do is lose weight.  That will make a big difference and probably help me feel better about my body.

Melissa

I'm sorry that you took my post as not being encouraging Melissa.  I was just stating fact not passing any judgments on how you look or how you should look.  I am in no position to judge that.  You said "and wishes HRT would do it's thing faster", I merely stated that HRT would not do those things, and if that is what you were looking for then you should pursue other alternatives.

Looks are superficial, it's what's inside that counts.

Steph

Well, facial hair removal helps a lot too, but HRT does soften your face and from what I hear, there should be big changes in the next 6 months for me.  I know the effects are not minimal, as I look at your face and anyone else who has been on them for a while and I see huge differences.  I was just feeling sad and would have like to hear something inspirational, rather than a "too bad so sad" type statement.  Don't worry, you didn't offend me or anything.

Melissa

Quote from: Melissa on July 28, 2006, 05:01:25 PM
Well, facial hair removal helps a lot too, but HRT does soften your face and from what I hear, there should be big changes in the next 6 months for me.  I know the effects are not minimal, as I look at your face and anyone else who has been on them for a while and I see huge differences.  I was just feeling sad and would have like to hear something inspirational, rather than a "too bad so sad" type statement.  Don't worry, you didn't offend me or anything.

Melissa

I can tell you with total honesty Melissa that HRT has NOT made huge differences to my face.  I wear make-up and I take great pains to make myself look as feminine as I can.  You are looking at photographs not the real person so please don't get wrapped up over how I look because that's not what it's about.  You say that you know the effects are NOT minimal and I can't change your mind on that, but one thing I can tell you is that I don't blow smoke up peoples butts, at the same time I have never said or implied "Too bad, so sad".  Maybe my post was not inspirational or uplifting, I didn't intend it to be I was merely reminding you not to count on HRT to make you look like a woman.

To be honest after reading your past posts to topics like "What makes a woman" etc...  I'm a little surprised that you think that HRT will make significant changes.  But then who knows we are all different, and react differently.

Melissa there are those who are born with beautiful faces and ugly souls, then there are those who have ugly faces and beautiful souls, and yet there are still those who are born blessed with beautiful faces and beautiful souls.  Then there are people like us, and what's wrong with us... nothing... as we are each beautiful in our own way.

Steph

Quote from: Steph on July 28, 2006, 05:32:04 PM
Melissa there are those who are born with beautiful faces and ugly souls, then there are those who have ugly faces and beautiful souls, and yet there are still those who are born blessed with beautiful faces and beautiful souls.  Then there are people like us, and what's wrong with us... nothing... as we are each beautiful in our own way.

Thank you, that's more what I was hoping for.  It made me smile.  I guess your right about it not making a huge difference, but although the changes are subtle, every little bit helps.  I'll just have to see what happens in time.  Maybe I will eventually pursue alternative routes, but for now I can't really afford it and would rather get SRS first.  I think much of my sadness was not really related to how I looked, but I was just expressing how I felt about myself at that moment.  I have a right to have emotions and they may not always be happy.  Anyhow, I'm feeling a bit better now.  Thanks.

Melissa

If it is of any value, my images are of me in everyday life, an currently I wouldn't know how to get dolled up if I needed to ;) (I.e. I have yet to bother with makeup, etc.).