Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Okay, so I've avoided joining this forum for as long as humanly possible, but I have finally given in. I am about to collapse under pressure. I don't know if I am TS or not. I've had feelings of wanting to be a girl in my preteen/teen years. I had dreams of it even; and they felt right (in fact I think they even triggered it). I began wondering "Why am I boy? Couldn't I have just as easily been born a girl?" I looked at girls with envy of being one of "them". I didn't have the feelings when I was really young, but I always felt I was "unusual", like I didn't fit in right. I've come dangerously close to attempting suicide 6 or more times now for such things (and other stress in life, too). So, I denied for a while during the fall 2007 to the beginning of this spring. I decided I was going to live life positively and happily; and I did for a while. I was happy (or so I thought). I always fought with my libido since it began, except for when I decided it was normal from I all I heard during my early teens. But, at the beginning of spring, I was nailed again, I ran into a TS area of pages on Oprah's website, and began wanting to change gender again. For a while, I thought this was the right thing to do. But...... I feel I am fighting a male existence/ego too, what if I am denying myself my manhood? I understand guys, but I don't; I understand girls, but I don't. I worried for a while, what if this isn't TSism? I had this feeling I was comfortable with myself recently as a male, which then scared me; am I really just a boy with some freaking perverted desire or what? I hate myself for this, I have been fighting "male" thoughts for some two weeks now, and am doubting that this (TSism) is real. Yet, I feel inadequate as a man, like I am not the same, not deserving of manhood. But somehow, even though the fire in me is dying, I am exhausted, and have fried virtually every circuit left in my brain,  I know I somehow NEED to transition, but I fear I have created this. I cannot get over this Mt. Everest of doubt. I feel I have made this up, but why did I feel this way when I was younger? It seems so easy and like a good idea even to go back to living as a male and forget this all. But I am afraid it will come back and bite me later emotionally and wreck me. I want to go forward; but can't. I want to go back; but can't. I feel so stuck right now, I am holding myself from going back to living as male, because of fear of this happening again, which makes me feel like this isn't really real, because I really want to go back (like it is right), but I fear getting blasted down by this again. And, what if I start HRT and I found out it isn't doing me any good, then where do I have to go?!?!

I feel so alone, and lost. Can any TS (pre-transition or in transition) here relate, or have any advice?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Is this where the term "gender conflict" comes from?!?!?!?!

Added: I wrote this message a few days ago when I was going crazy, I'm doing a little better now, but I know it will happen again, eventually. So I need some advice. I still feel like none of this is "real". I don't if this a lie or not.

See a therapist.

As Lisa said,  and I agree. I thinjk you need to see a good Gender therapist before making any rash decisions. Right now you are experiencing more thoughts and emotions than you can handle and that is where the therapist can help. They help you to explore and find yourself first which is the first step towards transition IMO. The Hrt usually comes later after you are sure that transition is what you seek.

I hope I am not breaking another rule with this statement but sometimes low dose Hrt is prescribed to a transsexual as a tool in determining if you truly are, but again that is best left to the Therapist or Endo to decide. Hrt can be dangerous in many ways in addition to being a lifesaver and is not to be played with.  Try to take one step at a time Hon and Hugs.

Wendy

Quote from: Wendy C on May 13, 2008, 09:33:20 PM


I hope I am not breaking another rule with this statement but sometimes low dose Hrt is prescribed to a transsexual as a tool in determining if you truly are, but again that is best left to the Therapist or Endo to decide. Hrt can be dangerous in many ways in addition to being a lifesaver and is not to be played with.  Try to take one step at a time Hon and Hugs.

Wendy

I agree with all that has been said. Also I would like to add to what Wendy said about HRT. Not that I was prescribed it to determine if I was TS. I can only explain it like this. I describe how I felt is like there was this battle going on between my mind and my body. This was a huge thing and I had ongoing anxiety attacks, etc. I was given a low dose of HRT to start with and all I can say is that I am a different person. My counselor said something interesting, "that's what your body needed that was missing and caused the conflict." Whether that is it, it surely seems like it. Just a thought.

Hope I have not broken any rule either, its the only way I could explain it.

Hugs

Nigella

As a non-op TS/non-Transistioning ( is that possible?? ) that is 40-something,  I am happy with my life, my wife, and daughter, and my career & other endeavors seems to be going okay.   Do I wish I could make the step to cross the line --- you bet ya.  Will I? not in the forseeable future. 

Just be who you are....

Daisy

Thank you for all your support everyone. I wish I could see a therapist..... but I won't be able to for a number of months. I was hoping I could better figure this out here in the meantime. I was thinking, though. I have been told that I am far more emotional than the average guy. I have been told I have the mind of a girl before too. I've been commented on an argument that I had that I don't argue like a guy, but like a little b****  :-\. But, it's like I am fighting this male ego/existence that doesn't want this, and it is getting cold and forceful in my head. I like some boy things, as well as girl things. I enjoy it more when I feel sincerely like a girl, but I haven't felt that "way" for a while. I don't know , maybe I am androgyne? I wish there were an "easy" door to take, but.... bleh. I have gone from being sure of being TS to 100% denial/believing it is all a lie, in no time. And T isn't helping either; I believe it's affecting my brain wiring. I just don't know sometimes.....

Quote from: stardust on May 14, 2008, 11:28:54 AM

Quote from: Wendy C on May 13, 2008, 09:33:20 PM


I hope I am not breaking another rule with this statement but sometimes low dose Hrt is prescribed to a transsexual as a tool in determining if you truly are, but again that is best left to the Therapist or Endo to decide. Hrt can be dangerous in many ways in addition to being a lifesaver and is not to be played with.  Try to take one step at a time Hon and Hugs.

Wendy

I agree with all that has been said. Also I would like to add to what Wendy said about HRT. Not that I was prescribed it to determine if I was TS. I can only explain it like this. I describe how I felt is like there was this battle going on between my mind and my body. This was a huge thing and I had ongoing anxiety attacks, etc. I was given a low dose of HRT to start with and all I can say is that I am a different person. My counselor said something interesting, "that's what your body needed that was missing and caused the conflict." Whether that is it, it surely seems like it. Just a thought.

Hope I have not broken any rule either, its the only way I could explain it.

Hugs

Nigella

I'm not going to self-medicate, I know that it is dangerous. It's just if I find out if the therapist gives me a low-dose HRT, and I was wrong, I really don't know what I am going to do......

I think you've taken a great first step in joining the forum. There is a tremendous amount of information here, and some really insightful people that are more than willing to help. Figuring out who you are takes time, please don't rush into anything without being sure. And don't be a stranger here  :)

riven_one: Thank you so much. Stranger? I just worry if this isn't real, what if I am troll or something? But then I have been told before by others that because I worry, this means this isn't not real.

I agree with everyone else, definitely seeing a good therapist is the thing to do.  Even if you can't see a gender therapist, a non-specialist could help you with all the emotions you're feeling.

One thing that I found when i was first really coming to terms with who i am, was that I really struggled to try and 'pick' a label that fitted me, which just added to the confusion.  Really, 'knowing' whether you're an androgyne, TS or any other label doesn't change anything.  Whats important is that you be who you are, it doesn't matter what that is.

good luck hon
*hugs*
jenny

jenny_: I wish I could see a therapist..... I still have to wait. Labels... yeah. I feel like I don't belong to any label, like I don't associate with anyone here in the time I was browsing before joining. But, maybe I am blind of the truth, and I am actually go through the same things, but my confusion is masking me? I really wish I knew who I am right now. Quoting what somebody here said in the past, if I could even use half my brain towards something constructive, I could do some amazing things.

Quote from: findingreason on May 14, 2008, 01:50:38 PM
jenny_: I wish I could see a therapist..... I still have to wait. Labels... yeah. I feel like I don't belong to any label, like I don't associate with anyone here in the time I was browsing before joining. But, maybe I am blind of the truth, and I am actually go through the same things, but my confusion is masking me? I really wish I knew who I am right now. Quoting what somebody here said in the past, if I could even use half my brain towards something constructive, I could do some amazing things.

I feel for you honey, i really do.  Theres no easy answers, everyone is different and theres no one true transsexual or true androgyne that you can compare yourself to.  But give yourself time, answers will come and in a few months you'll have a clearer understanding of you, and you'll look back at this time and these posts and wonder how you could have ever been so confused.  :)

QuoteI wish I could see a therapist..... but I won't be able to for a number of months.

You can always have excuses, like being in the miltary, not having the money, or not wanting you wife to know. Your mental health is more important than all of those. If you have a problem you will find a way.There are even some free services if you look.

Quote from: findingreason on May 14, 2008, 01:40:40 PM
riven_one: Thank you so much. Stranger? I just worry if this isn't real, what if I am troll or something? But then I have been told before by others that because I worry, this means this isn't not real.

my "stranger" comment is a southern USA saying that means "come back" often  :)

Note to self: Be more plain  :P

Quote from: jenny_ on May 14, 2008, 02:08:38 PM

Quote from: findingreason on May 14, 2008, 01:50:38 PM
jenny_: I wish I could see a therapist..... I still have to wait. Labels... yeah. I feel like I don't belong to any label, like I don't associate with anyone here in the time I was browsing before joining. But, maybe I am blind of the truth, and I am actually go through the same things, but my confusion is masking me? I really wish I knew who I am right now. Quoting what somebody here said in the past, if I could even use half my brain towards something constructive, I could do some amazing things.

I feel for you honey, i really do.  Theres no easy answers, everyone is different and theres no one true transsexual or true androgyne that you can compare yourself to.  But give yourself time, answers will come and in a few months you'll have a clearer understanding of you, and you'll look back at this time and these posts and wonder how you could have ever been so confused.  :)

Thank you so much, I know I will get to the answer. I know I just have to be patient (which is very difficult to be ).

Quote from: riven_one on May 14, 2008, 02:10:04 PM

Quote from: findingreason on May 14, 2008, 01:40:40 PM
riven_one: Thank you so much. Stranger? I just worry if this isn't real, what if I am troll or something? But then I have been told before by others that because I worry, this means this isn't not real.

my "stranger" comment is a southern USA saying that means "come back" often  :)

Note to self: Be more plain  :P

Lol, I see now.



Posted on: May 14, 2008, 02:29:56 PM

---

Ok, so I have some more questions. When I recap and look back at my pre-teen/teen years, there's a lot of evidence pointing towards TSism. I have been told I think differently from most guys. I have been told when I asked that it is virtually impossible for a "guy" to truly act like a girl, and vice versa. Even when I am acting like what I think is guy-like ways, I am told otherwise. Does anyone here relate, or agree with this?
Secondly, occasionally things will be more positive for me, and I think this is gone; like suddenly GID is out of my life completely. It's great and all, but it'll usually come back for a round when I don't expect it. Can anyone relate to this too? I know some of my close-call suicide situations were because I felt I wasn't the girl I should be. But these memories of growing up and going through all this hell that I didn't realize at the time seem distant now, raise a huge doubt factor for me. It's like I know the answer down deep, but conscious doubt overwhelms it, like I need to keep myself consciously convinced this is real, which consequently creates a vicious circle of doubt that this is a lie or something. I only started really facing this in the past couple months, and is this normal in the stage of facing this situation?

I'm sorry to keep asking, I just keep asking questions (bad habit).

Quote from: findingreason on May 14, 2008, 01:15:15 PM
Thank you for all your support everyone. I wish I could see a therapist..... but I won't be able to for a number of months. I was hoping I could better figure this out here in the meantime. I was thinking, though. I have been told that I am far more emotional than the average guy. I have been told I have the mind of a girl before too. I've been commented on an argument that I had that I don't argue like a guy, but like a little b****  :-\. But, it's like I am fighting this male ego/existence that doesn't want this, and it is getting cold and forceful in my head. I like some boy things, as well as girl things. I enjoy it more when I feel sincerely like a girl, but I haven't felt that "way" for a while. I don't know , maybe I am androgyne? I wish there were an "easy" door to take, but.... bleh. I have gone from being sure of being TS to 100% denial/believing it is all a lie, in no time. And T isn't helping either; I believe it's affecting my brain wiring. I just don't know sometimes.....

Quote from: stardust on May 14, 2008, 11:28:54 AM

Quote from: Wendy C on May 13, 2008, 09:33:20 PM


I hope I am not breaking another rule with this statement but sometimes low dose Hrt is prescribed to a transsexual as a tool in determining if you truly are, but again that is best left to the Therapist or Endo to decide. Hrt can be dangerous in many ways in addition to being a lifesaver and is not to be played with.  Try to take one step at a time Hon and Hugs.

Wendy

I agree with all that has been said. Also I would like to add to what Wendy said about HRT. Not that I was prescribed it to determine if I was TS. I can only explain it like this. I describe how I felt is like there was this battle going on between my mind and my body. This was a huge thing and I had ongoing anxiety attacks, etc. I was given a low dose of HRT to start with and all I can say is that I am a different person. My counselor said something interesting, "that's what your body needed that was missing and caused the conflict." Whether that is it, it surely seems like it. Just a thought.

Hope I have not broken any rule either, its the only way I could explain it.

Hugs

Nigella

I'm not going to self-medicate, I know that it is dangerous. It's just if I find out if the therapist gives me a low-dose HRT, and I was wrong, I really don't know what I am going to do......

Hahaha. You've been called a little bitch TOO? :). You're not alone, don't worry about that. You sound kind of what I was in last year. I was trying to date again to see if a girlfriend I used to have and I could make it again, cause I thought I loved her again. I was, of course, wrong. Then I started thinking it wasn't fetishism, but maybe something else.

So yeah... I'd recommend seeing a therapist. I'm not lucky enough to get a specialist, but if you are in the position, you definitely should. Good luck, and don't do anything dumb again like what you said. I've thought of it myself sometimes, but keep it going. I too thought everything had shorted out in my brain, but after I got out of my depression it got fixed a bit. You are most likely also depressed, and this cycle of your issues and that will feed off of each other.

Like I said, go to a therapist/specialist. It will help a lot. And stay on here... You'll find you have quite a bit in common with some people. You're not so different from many things I've had in my past...

Quote from: deviousxen on May 14, 2008, 11:15:15 PM
Hahaha. You've been called a little bitch TOO? :). You're not alone, don't worry about that. You sound kind of what I was in last year. I was trying to date again to see if a girlfriend I used to have and I could make it again, cause I thought I loved her again. I was, of course, wrong. Then I started thinking it wasn't fetishism, but maybe something else.

So yeah... I'd recommend seeing a therapist. I'm not lucky enough to get a specialist, but if you are in the position, you definitely should. Good luck, and don't do anything dumb again like what you said. I've thought of it myself sometimes, but keep it going. I too thought everything had shorted out in my brain, but after I got out of my depression it got fixed a bit. You are most likely also depressed, and this cycle of your issues and that will feed off of each other.

Like I said, go to a therapist/specialist. It will help a lot. And stay on here... You'll find you have quite a bit in common with some people. You're not so different from many things I've had in my past...

Lol, yeah, I have. I actually was pleasantly surprised when I was called that (does that make any sense? ::)) I've heard of it before, but can someone explain what fetishism is exactly?

I've been definitely depressed lately, and I don't think I even fully realize it. I think it goes like this:
Gender issues -> Depression -> Forget the issues because I am so depressed; makes me think this isn't real -> Heavier depression -> I somehow find a way out, and things are positive; makes me think again: Is this all fake again -> Slowly fall into depression again. Sometimes, I just don't care if I am male or female or whatever, and at other times, I am depressed and will have something hit me at the wrong time, like watching a couple GGs having fun hanging out or something. Sometimes I will get hit hard, other times, I just don't care. This is just one vicious circle......

Same here. Cycles are usually similar in that.

And I don't find it weird. I liked being called that too...

findingreason, I have absolutely no advice at all, but I'm very thankful for your thread as you precisely explained things that I feel like but couldn't explain myself. (though I'm not sure if it's at the same intensity) I really hope you figure stuff out and I know how difficult and confusing it is, heck I'm in a very similar position at the moment. I think it's a good idea to see the therapist, not so much for medication (although it does make it easier) or to be 'diagnosed' as TS, but just to have someone give you some ideas and some confirmation that what you are feeling is valid. (the feeling valid is _incredibly_ important) I also understand the thing about the therapist, my therapist is in a different freaking country, so I'm pretty much corresponding via email though I might see him next week. (if the plane flies then that is) Oh and something that I've found is nice, just start doing some more feminine things, like shaving and stuff. You can still be completely male and do feminine things which makes it 'convenient' (for gross lack of better term) and it might make you feel better about yourself, it does for me, sometimes it makes my day. Anyways, I hope you figure things out.

Quote from: findingreason on May 14, 2008, 09:44:51 PM
Secondly, occasionally things will be more positive for me, and I think this is gone; like suddenly GID is out of my life completely. It's great and all, but it'll usually come back for a round when I don't expect it. Can anyone relate to this too?

I have known people [who later decided to transition] that this has happened to.  You're not alone in feeling that way.

Findingreason,

Not unlike a lot of the girls here, I can completely understand what you're going through because I have been there exactly like you are now.  I went through the same things you are going through, it cost me three wonderful marriages and twenty five years of struggle.  For me I made the choice to find out what the hell was wrong with me.  If you are TS, no one on Earth can change that, I tried believe me.  There is only one cure I know of and that is 'Transition'.  I am a hell of a lot happier in a dress than in a jock strap.

Contract your local chapter of GLBT.  Or look up Gay Organizations in your phone book they may have low cost sources for you.  But above all and forsaking everything else find a good therapist.  Unless you live in Cowtown USA you can find help.

Your mental health is paramount and suicide solves nothing.

Stay in Touch.  All us girls need to stick together.  The ladies in these forums, and some of the guys, have really got it together.  Listen to them all.  We are here to help all of our sisters.

Good luck and just be yourself as you feel it.

And welcome to the Sisterhood.  :D

Love,
Janet

Hey findingreason,

This is my first post on these forums.  I decided to register 'cause of this topic you started and the posts you've made in it.

I've been fighting chronic anxiety and depression my whole life.  You're the first person I've come across, in all my trans-research over the past several years, who just flat out described all the feelings and doubts I've been through myself in perfect detail.  A lot of people have similar experiences in their journeys, but your story just made me say "okay, this person is really hitting close to home, even as trans stories go."  The Mount Everest of Doubt is fantastic imagery - you really nailed it.  The cycle you go through with depression, and the way you go about analyzing all the clues from your childhood and teen years.  I fought the same battle for ages, and I started to find MY answers relatively recently.

Anyway, I have a few things to say that I hope will help you find your own perspective, get through the haze of depression and doubt, and find your answers.  Who knows?  First of all, the people suggesting a therapist are spot on.  But you already get that of course - just saying I agree also.  But in the meantime, I have some questions and ideas that helped me out a lot...

1) You mention that there have been times when you feel transition is the right path, and there have been times when the whole thing just doesn't seem real and you're full of doubt.  What I learned about myself is that depression pretty much makes me doubt everything in my life.  It just so happens that my gender identity is a major issue, so the doubt that comes with depression seems to affect that the most.  I learned that I can't trust the way I feel about things when I'm depressed.  I can't make plans based on that.  I have to trust the way I felt when I was feeling clear-headed and I was certain of something.  Asking myself these questions was helpful:

- Do you ever have times when you feel absolutely certain that transition is the right way to go?  Do you ever feel certain that you ARE female, even if that feeling doesn't last?  Do you ever feel certain that you are NOT male?

- Do you ever have times when you feel absolutely certain that you are not transgendered and transition is definitely not the way to go?  Do you ever feel certain that you ARE male?  Do you ever feel certain that you are NOT female?  Or is it more like you're not certain of anything, just massively doubting the things you WERE certain of?

Sometimes I'll go through periods where I start to wonder if I really am female, and I can't seem to see the answer to that question.  But I'll look at it from a different angle and ask "Am I a boy/man/guy/male?" and I come back with an authoritative "Oh hell no!"  Then I see that being afraid or depressed had been making it hard for me to be sure of myself.

I'm not saying I have the answers, by any means.  I can only have my own answers, and even then I only have some of them so far.  But if our experiences overlap in some ways, maybe the processes I went through can help you out a bit.

Let me also say that one of the things I came to believe along the way is this:  Being TG/TS doesn't necessarily have anything to do with having a "male" or "female" brain/personality/outlook/emotional response/role in society/etc.  But I guess depending on the person, it CAN have something to do with any of those things.  For me, it has to do with 2 major issues.  First - how people regard me.  I feel right when I'm out and about as a girl.  I don't feel that I should conform to a female stereotype, but I feel right struggling against the stereotype AS a girl.  I feel like the assumptions that people make about women, not the ones they make about men, should be the ones they make about me, even though they'll be wrong.  I feel like that's the angle from which I was meant to come at life.  I've always felt a bit awkward with the way people treat me as a man.  Even before I knew I was female, I knew there was something off about that.  Second - I feel at home, at peace, comfortable--I feel like myself--when I look in the mirror and see a woman.  When I look down and see a female body.  I just know it's right.  I'm not always certain how I feel about my male body.  Sometimes I hate it, sometimes I'm more neutral towards it.  But I make a good-looking guy, and yet it just doesn't feel like me - especially compared to how I feel about myself when I appear female.

I tortured myself for years analyzing the other issues.  Do I have a female brain?  Why do I like doing "guy" things - video games, computers, etc.  Why don't I like many "girl" things - shoe shopping, dresses, skirts, etc.

I realized finally that none of that matters for me.  I'm not a stereotypical girl.  And it makes sense that it took me so long to figure out I was trans if I'm so typically "boyish" in my personality and interests.

Anyway, I'm at work and it's time to end this post.  It's waaay long enough anyway, I'm sure.  I hope some of my tangents help you, or at least give you something to think about in your quest to help yourself.  Also, hi to everyone, since this is my first post ;)

Thank you all again for your replies!

The Dread Pirate Rita:

Quote1) You mention that there have been times when you feel transition is the right path, and there have been times when the whole thing just doesn't seem real and you're full of doubt.  What I learned about myself is that depression pretty much makes me doubt everything in my life.  It just so happens that my gender identity is a major issue, so the doubt that comes with depression seems to affect that the most.  I learned that I can't trust the way I feel about things when I'm depressed.  I can't make plans based on that.  I have to trust the way I felt when I was feeling clear-headed and I was certain of something.  Asking myself these questions was helpful:

Yes, definitely, I have been very depressed lately, and can't see straight in my mind. But I promised myself whenever I was out of depression and had my head attached, that I would still head for transition, because I knew it was right. But, it gets very difficult to do that and uphold to myself when I am depressed for longer periods of time (2-4 weeks or more).

Quote- Do you ever have times when you feel absolutely certain that transition is the right way to go?  Do you ever feel certain that you ARE female, even if that feeling doesn't last?  Do you ever feel certain that you are NOT male?

Yes, definitely. I can doubt them now, because it has been a while since I was sure. But yes, I have felt certain I am female before, and I can walk with confidence in public when I feel that way.

Quote- Do you ever have times when you feel absolutely certain that you are not transgendered and transition is definitely not the way to go?  Do you ever feel certain that you ARE male?  Do you ever feel certain that you are NOT female?  Or is it more like you're not certain of anything, just massively doubting the things you WERE certain of?

Sometimes I'll go through periods where I start to wonder if I really am female, and I can't seem to see the answer to that question.  But I'll look at it from a different angle and ask "Am I a boy/man/guy/male?" and I come back with an authoritative "Oh hell no!"  Then I see that being afraid or depressed had been making it hard for me to be sure of myself.

*raises hand* Yep, I have. And lately, I doubt the whole thing. When I feel like a "male" and even the slightest thought of being happy as being "male" causes me to freak out. It makes me doubt everything all over again. I don't like facing any of this, but to get ANYWHERE, I know I need to. It's like subconsciously I know I am female, but my conscious mind LOVES to say otherwise. So, asking myself consciously "Am I a boy/man/guy/male?" can cause a bit of a problem. I have said no, I have said yes (occasionally bitterly), I have been undecided. Conditioning to live as a male, maybe?

QuoteLet me also say that one of the things I came to believe along the way is this:  Being TG/TS doesn't necessarily have anything to do with having a "male" or "female" brain/personality/outlook/emotional response/role in society/etc.  But I guess depending on the person, it CAN have something to do with any of those things.  For me, it has to do with 2 major issues.  First - how people regard me.  I feel right when I'm out and about as a girl.  I don't feel that I should conform to a female stereotype, but I feel right struggling against the stereotype AS a girl.  I feel like the assumptions that people make about women, not the ones they make about men, should be the ones they make about me, even though they'll be wrong.  I feel like that's the angle from which I was meant to come at life.  I've always felt a bit awkward with the way people treat me as a man.  Even before I knew I was female, I knew there was something off about that.  Second - I feel at home, at peace, comfortable--I feel like myself--when I look in the mirror and see a woman.  When I look down and see a female body.  I just know it's right.  I'm not always certain how I feel about my male body.  Sometimes I hate it, sometimes I'm more neutral towards it.  But I make a good-looking guy, and yet it just doesn't feel like me - especially compared to how I feel about myself when I appear female.

I tortured myself for years analyzing the other issues.  Do I have a female brain?  Why do I like doing "guy" things - video games, computers, etc.  Why don't I like many "girl" things - shoe shopping, dresses, skirts, etc.

Yeah, I always felt guilty about having "guy" issues. I felt guilty when women complained of "women" issues, I was envious of them in a way I guess. I have always felt awkward since I was little (5-7 years old, don't remember when exactly), and I hadn't the faintest clue as to why. I have really only began confronting this whole mess in the past 2-3 months, and because I didn't think much of it before, it disturbs me. It's painful to face, that's for sure. Another problem is, I don't exactly "hate" the way I look, sometimes I do, I think. This causes more reasons for doubt. One time I began to look in the mirror and light angles made me look more "female", and as soon as it disappeared, I was upset. But, it seems distant now compared to the doubt.

This one nailed me too. Ugh, I think I am female, stuck with a freaking male body/brain. It bothers me to no end, when I react in "male" ways to things, and get hassled by women for it. Nature sure has a sick, twisted sense of humor, doesn't it?

Keep this in mind, as well:  It takes a long time to figure this stuff out from the point where you finally decide to confront it.  I wasn't able to admit to myself that I might be transgendered until I was 22.  I'm 27 now, and still just getting things in order to look at starting HRT.  I'm not saying everyone has the same time frame - my point is just that it can take years just to figure yourself out once you decide to confront the issue.

At 2-3 months in, like you are, I was an absolute mess.  I decided I was an androgyne/crossdresser.  At the time, that was about as much as I could handle.  Being TS seemed like such a ridiculous and surreal notion.  I went absolutely crazy analyzing myself to try and get some answers.

If you have close friends, or even one friend you can talk to about it, it helps alleviate some of the insanity of stewing in your own brain each day.  My experience has been that my friends are no help in terms of figuring myself out gender-wise, but being able to tell them what I'm thinking, just to have someone else close to me know, has kept me sane.  It also makes the issue real and tangible to have someone else know.  Talking about it aloud with my friends helped me clear away the haze that can form when you're kicking things around in your own head for too long.

Remember that the world's not going to end tomorrow.  You've got time.  And now that you're confronting this, you'll understand yourself more with time.  In my experience, there aren't really any huge revelations.  You'd be surprised what the subconscious mind can figure out for you while you think you're hitting a brick wall with your conscious mind.

I know it's frustrating.  But then, you are questioning one of the most fundamental facets of your identity.  A little (or a LOT of) frustration is normal ;)

Hi Rita,

Welcome to Susan's  :D

I have read your and findingreason's posts and we three are very similar in our lives and thinking.  But if you read thru the other postings you will see that everyone here has struggled with these very issues and most of us have taken the road less traveled into transition.  Find yourselves a good therapist and look into transitioning.  No one says that it is easy, but I think most of the girls here will agree that we are most happy in transition.  It's not just a life, it's an adventure.  :laugh:

We have all realized that we are women, hear us roar.  :icon_female:

I do have a question tho  Who said there was rule that says  video games, computers, etc. are "guy" things.  Do we not use a computer to communicate with this forum?  And each other.  Read e-mails. Shopping online.  :icon_biggrin:  And I happen to enjoy Call of Duty 2 -The Big Red 1. Ghost Recon, Big Game Hunter, and Madden NFL 07 ( Go Seahawks ).  And I love shoes, dresses, online shopping ( oh I guess I said that already  ;D ).  We all like what we like the is on such things as 'guy'  or 'girl' things.

Love,
Janet

Janet-

Oh, I totally agree on the "guy" things vs "girl" things.  I was just saying I think those items are stereotyped as such, and I think in our quest to understand ourselves, it's almost inevitable that we compare ourselves to stereotypes at some point in the process, ¿no?

As far as therapy, I've got a great therapist whom I've been going to for over a year now.  I saw a different therapist in my teens for some non-trans-related issues and he helped me immensely.  So these days, I'm a huge advocate of therapy.  (In fact, a lot of people make fun of Dr Phil, but personally I think the guy's a hero simply for helping make therapy less taboo in American culture!)

Anyway, I'll save the details of my own life for the intro forum.  Thanks for the welcome :)

- Rita

I'm so sorry Rita, I forgot to welcome you to Susan's as well :).

QuoteKeep this in mind, as well:  It takes a long time to figure this stuff out from the point where you finally decide to confront it.  I wasn't able to admit to myself that I might be transgendered until I was 22.  I'm 27 now, and still just getting things in order to look at starting HRT.  I'm not saying everyone has the same time frame - my point is just that it can take years just to figure yourself out once you decide to confront the issue.

At 2-3 months in, like you are, I was an absolute mess.  I decided I was an androgyne/crossdresser.  At the time, that was about as much as I could handle.  Being TS seemed like such a ridiculous and surreal notion.  I went absolutely crazy analyzing myself to try and get some answers.

Yeah, androgyne/crossdresser seems like a much easier notion to me right now. But, I go through the androgyne boards and feel that is where I don't belong. The thought of being TS sounds pretty crazy to me right now. Unfortunately, other things that work against me are that I was brought up constantly being told nothing was wrong with me. I was sure something wasn't right, but I was  always told that I was imagining things, and that nothing was wrong, what I was going through was normal. Another thing is that I didn't have interest in girls stuff when I was younger, I was what I guess you call the typical boy. I was embarrassed whenever there was anything that pointed towards me doing ANYTHING girly. Afraid of being teased, I guess.

One of the biggest things I can think of was that there was a particular dream I had of being a girl that seemed so real, that when I woke up, and discovered I was still a boy, I was sorely disappointed/upset.

I've considered crossdressing this Halloween, but I feel so awkward and embarrassed about doing it that it  is just crazy.

QuoteIf you have close friends, or even one friend you can talk to about it, it helps alleviate some of the insanity of stewing in your own brain each day.  My experience has been that my friends are no help in terms of figuring myself out gender-wise, but being able to tell them what I'm thinking, just to have someone else close to me know, has kept me sane.  It also makes the issue real and tangible to have someone else know.  Talking about it aloud with my friends helped me clear away the haze that can form when you're kicking things around in your own head for too long.

Remember that the world's not going to end tomorrow.  You've got time.  And now that you're confronting this, you'll understand yourself more with time.  In my experience, there aren't really any huge revelations.  You'd be surprised what the subconscious mind can figure out for you while you think you're hitting a brick wall with your conscious mind.

I know it's frustrating.  But then, you are questioning one of the most fundamental facets of your identity.  A little (or a LOT of) frustration is normal ;)

I have a few friends I can talk to as well. It does help, but I am worried of deceiving them or something if I am wrong. I've expressed these worries to them as well.

Oh I hope you're right, cause I am hitting a brick wall really hard right now. There's two sides of me that are pulling in opposite directions and it's like completely nuts right now.


Janet:

Quote
I have read your and findingreason's posts and we three are very similar in our lives and thinking.  But if you read thru the other postings you will see that everyone here has struggled with these very issues and most of us have taken the road less traveled into transition.  Find yourselves a good therapist and look into transitioning.  No one says that it is easy, but I think most of the girls here will agree that we are most happy in transition.  It's not just a life, it's an adventure.  laugh

Yeah, I will find a therapist this fall, and get this straightened out. I feel really bad because everyone here seems so sure of themselves and here I am, not quite sure where I am headed. It is yet again, another reason for doubt  :-\. Throw the fact that many "knew" at 4-6 years old, when I didn't exactly, just knew something wasn't right, is enough to make me crazy.

QuoteWe have all realized that we are women, hear us roar.  icon_female

Gosh I hope so. I really don't know sometimes....

Rita:

QuoteOh, I totally agree on the "guy" things vs "girl" things.  I was just saying I think those items are stereotyped as such, and I think in our quest to understand ourselves, it's almost inevitable that we compare ourselves to stereotypes at some point in the process, ¿no?

I've tried comparing myself to stereotypes I don't know how many times now.

QuoteAs far as therapy, I've got a great therapist whom I've been going to for over a year now.  I saw a different therapist in my teens for some non-trans-related issues and he helped me immensely.  So these days, I'm a huge advocate of therapy.  (In fact, a lot of people make fun of Dr Phil, but personally I think the guy's a hero simply for helping make therapy less taboo in American culture!)

I was offered therapy when I was younger, I was to scared to go through with it. I didn't want to be labeled for anything. I was a general emotional wreck when I was a teen. I didn't have a hard time growing up per se, but I was still going crazy.

QuoteI've considered crossdressing this Halloween, but I feel so awkward and embarrassed about doing it that it  is just crazy.

Actually, crossdressing on Halloween was the first time I presented as a girl.  I was 16 at the time.  My favorite band was Garbage (still is), and Shirley Manson was my hero (still is) to the point where everyone at school and work knew how obsessed I was with them/her.  Everyone was still cool with me, they just thought I was a little eccentric.  So I dressed up as Shirley on Halloween, and because I dressed specifically as her, no one thought it was strange that I dressed up.  They were amazed at the effort I put into it and how well I passed as a girl, but I was able to cloak the whole TG thing behind the shield of Halloween and my Shirley Manson obsession.

At the beginning of the day that Halloween, I was curious.  But by the end of the night, I was desperate not to have to change back to a boy.  I knew I'd found something important that day, and the thought of it ending so soon seemed tragic.  But I did it again the following Halloween, and a couple more after that, with different people who hadn't seen it before.  I wasn't ready to face the whole TG issue back then, so that was my way of dealing with it without actually having to come out to myself, I guess.

Around the age of 22/23, I finally decided I needed to stop hiding behind Shirley and just be myself.  So the next Halloween, I dressed as myself-as-a-girl as a witch ;)