Community Conversation => Transsexual talk => Male to female transsexual talk (MTF) => Topic started by: Kim on June 22, 2006, 07:16:50 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Ok, I'm confused, I think
Post by: Kim on June 22, 2006, 07:16:50 PM
Post by: Kim on June 22, 2006, 07:16:50 PM
My wife has been supportive so far and great. However, it's me as I continue transitioning that's having a hard time. I know who I am, woman in wrong body and I know because of this male body my wife's orientation does not change just because I'm a woman inside. Thing that is worrying me is that I am at the stage of make up and hair style. My final stage of transition and I will look like the real me. What worries me is that even though my wife has been right there with me and is a superstar through it all, I continue to worry that even though I am no-op TS that my 'situation' could eventually ruin my marriage. I have surfed all over and got mixed answers. Some sites say no way can a marriage survive while others claim the success rate is higher than the failure rate. Heck I even bumped into one that talked of marriages lasting even after SRS. Am I crazy to worry or is it possible our marriage could survive? ??? :(
Title: Re: Ok, I'm confused, I think
Post by: stephanie_craxford on June 22, 2006, 08:09:42 PM
Post by: stephanie_craxford on June 22, 2006, 08:09:42 PM
Hey there Kim.
Well it is definitely something that you need to discuss with your wife and lay the cards out on the table. There are many different married TS couples in a variety of relationships. Take mine for example. Gill and I have been married for 33 years and we have known each other for 36 years. She has been the rock in my life, the love of my life and the greatest friend of my life. But....
Although she has known about me for most of our married life, our relationship has changed. Although we love each other very much we no longer wear our wedding rings. We have discussed our situation many, many times and I think that this is one of the main reasons why we have stood by each other. There are no secrets between us and we have both agreed that should either one of us meet some one else who can better satisfy our individual needs then we would not stand in the way of the other in their pursuit of happiness.
Some may think this a strange relationship, but it works for us. Just to clarify a little, neither one of us is actively looking for someone else although as transition progresses, so does our own individuality. We now do more on our own, do our own thing and it seems to be going ok, and while with each passing day Stephanie grows stronger, I would like to think that so does our relationship.
I hope that our relationship survives past post op, many have, many haven't, but I know one thing my love for Gill hasn't changed. Kim, no two relationships are the same. What works for one could result in horrible failure for others. Your relationship with your wife is what you are both willing to give to it and what you are both willing to sacrifice, what you are both willing to compromise on. It's really up to you both to be open and truthful as a relationship based on closed mindedness and deceit is not a relationship that will survive.
Steph
Well it is definitely something that you need to discuss with your wife and lay the cards out on the table. There are many different married TS couples in a variety of relationships. Take mine for example. Gill and I have been married for 33 years and we have known each other for 36 years. She has been the rock in my life, the love of my life and the greatest friend of my life. But....
Although she has known about me for most of our married life, our relationship has changed. Although we love each other very much we no longer wear our wedding rings. We have discussed our situation many, many times and I think that this is one of the main reasons why we have stood by each other. There are no secrets between us and we have both agreed that should either one of us meet some one else who can better satisfy our individual needs then we would not stand in the way of the other in their pursuit of happiness.
Some may think this a strange relationship, but it works for us. Just to clarify a little, neither one of us is actively looking for someone else although as transition progresses, so does our own individuality. We now do more on our own, do our own thing and it seems to be going ok, and while with each passing day Stephanie grows stronger, I would like to think that so does our relationship.
I hope that our relationship survives past post op, many have, many haven't, but I know one thing my love for Gill hasn't changed. Kim, no two relationships are the same. What works for one could result in horrible failure for others. Your relationship with your wife is what you are both willing to give to it and what you are both willing to sacrifice, what you are both willing to compromise on. It's really up to you both to be open and truthful as a relationship based on closed mindedness and deceit is not a relationship that will survive.
Steph
Title: Re: Ok, I'm confused, I think
Post by: HelenW on June 22, 2006, 08:18:02 PM
Post by: HelenW on June 22, 2006, 08:18:02 PM
From everything I've read, and my therapist confirms this in his own experience, is that the majority of marriages end (not necessarily FAIL) when one of the partners discovers he or she are transsexual.
But that means the SOME relationships do NOT end.
I'm sure that the relationship will change drastically, though.
I'm working like hell to keep mine going - it's tough, but so far she's still here.:angel:
helen
But that means the SOME relationships do NOT end.
I'm sure that the relationship will change drastically, though.
I'm working like hell to keep mine going - it's tough, but so far she's still here.:angel:
helen
Title: Re: Ok, I'm confused, I think
Post by: Kim on June 23, 2006, 02:09:08 PM
Post by: Kim on June 23, 2006, 02:09:08 PM
Thank you ladies for your input. My wife and I constantly talkabout things we are going through together and my transition is one of those items in the heavy drawer. We talked in length after I posted this and I guess maybe my fears are justified, obviously, but maybe not so neccessary. I grew the fear when,the evening before my posting, I moved into a new stage my wife wasn't ready for and when we talked I realized she believed my being a woman was a choice and I had to decide how far to transition. I explained it to her and realize also this was my fault as I was trying to watch how I talked about it so she would not be uncomfy with it - in other words trying to use neutral terminology. We decided I shouldn't do this and talked it out for hours. She now understands me better and knows I am female and it's not a decision, just a reality. She says she feels a lot better now about it and strongly wants to keep our marriage. We decided on certain compromises such as no HRT or SRS, and during intimacy we will find a way she feels shes with the male my body represents while I feel like the special woman she helps me feel being, etc. I think it will all work out for us. I offered at one point to hide my femininity if I have to, though it wouldn't change me being a woman. She cried and said no,she has a loving awesome spouse and doesn't want the creep back I was evolving into from things I learned as I watched guys around and tried to fit in as male with the script I had and living it with the internal battle that was being waged inside me. Don't get me wrong about these guys, they are good guys but take things like marriage for granted. I think the internal battle on top of that is what made things even worse in my 'male' character. Sorry to babble on but again thanks for your help with this and I just want to let you all know things are greatly better for us. :)
Title: Re: Ok, I'm confused, I think
Post by: Melissa on June 23, 2006, 02:46:10 PM
Post by: Melissa on June 23, 2006, 02:46:10 PM
Quote from: Kim on June 23, 2006, 02:09:08 PM
We decided on certain compromises such as no HRT or SRS, and during intimacy we will find a way she feels shes with the male my body represents while I feel like the special woman she helps me feel being, etc.
Be careful. If your GID is as strong as mine, then promises mean nothing. I had originally said that, but felt awful about agreeing to it. The agreement kept changing until she knew I was not happy keeping it. I wouldn't recommend the way I did it.
Melissa
Title: Re: Ok, I'm confused, I think
Post by: Kim on June 23, 2006, 02:50:23 PM
Post by: Kim on June 23, 2006, 02:50:23 PM
Thank you ver the input Melissa.To be honest,I really don't want HRT or SRS so that's one I can keep. Other promises I'll certasinly heed your advice and be sure they are ones I can keep. Maybe as my wife said I may compromise on something for a while but then find out a bit later she's ready to let me have that piece and be comfortable. And believe me communication will certainly be a strong asset in this. Thank you Melissa.
Title: Re: Ok, I'm confused, I think
Post by: Kate on June 23, 2006, 03:09:34 PM
Post by: Kate on June 23, 2006, 03:09:34 PM
Quote from: Kim on June 22, 2006, 07:16:50 PMI know because of this male body my wife's orientation does not change just because I'm a woman inside.
My wife has always known about my TSism, but only recently has she come to understand the full depth of it. And even though my physical changes are minimal at this point (beard mostly gone, semi-longish hair), we don't have intercourse anymore. That may change, but for now she doesn't feel comfortable having sex with with someone she now considers female, regardless of my anatomy.
Title: Re: Ok, I'm confused, I think
Post by: Melissa on June 23, 2006, 04:02:13 PM
Post by: Melissa on June 23, 2006, 04:02:13 PM
Quote from: Kate on June 23, 2006, 03:09:34 PM
...we don't have intercourse anymore. That may change, but for now she doesn't feel comfortable having sex with with someone she now considers female, regardless of my anatomy.
I didn't have intercourse, because I wasn't comfortable with using my own body for that.
Melissa
Title: Re: Ok, I'm confused, I think
Post by: angelsgirl on June 23, 2006, 09:56:36 PM
Post by: angelsgirl on June 23, 2006, 09:56:36 PM
As an SO I'll give you my perspective on this...
I know that it's been stated over and over again, but once more won't hurt: Communication is the best tool you two have to work with.
It's really good that the two of you talked this over. I was going to say to your original post if you had even asked her if she found you less physically appealing. When Jocelyn has makeup on, it really accentuates all the things that made her cute as boy (ironically, they are the same things that make her beautiful as a woman!) so it's possible that it may not be as difficult as you think for her to still be attracted to you. As far as intimacy goes, most women experience the greatest amount of pleasure (or orgasm) through foreplay and some can only achieve orgasm through foreplay and not intercourse. Exploring different ways to please each other intimately may be something you two should talk about. You may find likes and dislikes that you never knew existed.
It's completely possible for your relationship to last, especially if she is so accepting. Just keep the lines of communication open and you may find that it's not as hard as you imagined. ;D
I know that it's been stated over and over again, but once more won't hurt: Communication is the best tool you two have to work with.
It's really good that the two of you talked this over. I was going to say to your original post if you had even asked her if she found you less physically appealing. When Jocelyn has makeup on, it really accentuates all the things that made her cute as boy (ironically, they are the same things that make her beautiful as a woman!) so it's possible that it may not be as difficult as you think for her to still be attracted to you. As far as intimacy goes, most women experience the greatest amount of pleasure (or orgasm) through foreplay and some can only achieve orgasm through foreplay and not intercourse. Exploring different ways to please each other intimately may be something you two should talk about. You may find likes and dislikes that you never knew existed.
It's completely possible for your relationship to last, especially if she is so accepting. Just keep the lines of communication open and you may find that it's not as hard as you imagined. ;D
Title: Re: Ok, I'm confused, I think
Post by: Kendall on June 24, 2006, 06:26:50 AM
Post by: Kendall on June 24, 2006, 06:26:50 AM
Even though mine has been with me and knew about me before getting together, I know it can change at any moment. If she comes to the decision that it isnt what she wants. We dont have children together (she has children from her first marraige), so that is something others have that entirely complicates things more than my situation. Setting the limits, if you are GID, might not be the best idea for you, unless you are a CD. One that will never transition, which I have seen before, work out ok. Even then, If you dress up every day (extremely frequent) or live as a female in daily life, things may change also.
Title: Re: Ok, I'm confused, I think
Post by: Elizabeth on June 24, 2006, 06:57:18 AM
Post by: Elizabeth on June 24, 2006, 06:57:18 AM
Kim,
I am on my second wife. The first one could not accept what I am. She knew for most of our marriage, I compromised most of our marriage, but in the end, I am what I am.
Compromises that seem like you will be able to keep now, can turn into resentments and feelings of an unfulfilled life, that you may end up blaming on your SO. Ask most transsexuals about anger? They know all about it. You may keep your promises, but in 15 years wake up one day and say to yourself, "I am a girl, why do I continue to pretend I am a man?". You will no longer care about the promises or the compromises. You will be of one mind. To become the woman you always knew you were. It can and does end relationships.
My new wife of just over a year now, has alway known me as Elizabeth. She totally accepts and understands that I am a girl. She says I am attractive to her either way. We have sex, but we don't always use my male parts. When we do, it is enjoyable, but mostly because of the intimacy. I feel just as fulfilled if we don't use my male parts. My wife is very open minded and does not have a problem the fact that I dress as a girl 24/7. She calls me her "big girl" as I am 5' 10" and she is 5' 1".
She wants to have children with me, but she also knows that my road leads to transition, if and when I can make that happen. I made it clear up front that I would not stop my transition if she failed to get prenant before the opportunity presents itself, should that occur. Right now, it appears she really does not have a time pressure.
All in all, our marriage works great. We both understand who we are and who we are married to and we both understand each others intentions. Niether of us works, so we spend almost all of our time together and we really enjoy it. I have a wife, a lover, a best friend and a girl friend to shop with. I feel really lucky and I am just enjoying each day as it comes.
Love always,
Elizabeth
I am on my second wife. The first one could not accept what I am. She knew for most of our marriage, I compromised most of our marriage, but in the end, I am what I am.
Compromises that seem like you will be able to keep now, can turn into resentments and feelings of an unfulfilled life, that you may end up blaming on your SO. Ask most transsexuals about anger? They know all about it. You may keep your promises, but in 15 years wake up one day and say to yourself, "I am a girl, why do I continue to pretend I am a man?". You will no longer care about the promises or the compromises. You will be of one mind. To become the woman you always knew you were. It can and does end relationships.
My new wife of just over a year now, has alway known me as Elizabeth. She totally accepts and understands that I am a girl. She says I am attractive to her either way. We have sex, but we don't always use my male parts. When we do, it is enjoyable, but mostly because of the intimacy. I feel just as fulfilled if we don't use my male parts. My wife is very open minded and does not have a problem the fact that I dress as a girl 24/7. She calls me her "big girl" as I am 5' 10" and she is 5' 1".
She wants to have children with me, but she also knows that my road leads to transition, if and when I can make that happen. I made it clear up front that I would not stop my transition if she failed to get prenant before the opportunity presents itself, should that occur. Right now, it appears she really does not have a time pressure.
All in all, our marriage works great. We both understand who we are and who we are married to and we both understand each others intentions. Niether of us works, so we spend almost all of our time together and we really enjoy it. I have a wife, a lover, a best friend and a girl friend to shop with. I feel really lucky and I am just enjoying each day as it comes.
Love always,
Elizabeth
Title: Re: Ok, I'm confused, I think
Post by: Kim on June 24, 2006, 01:54:27 PM
Post by: Kim on June 24, 2006, 01:54:27 PM
I thank all you ladies for your advice. I am TS and also feel I kind of left compromise too general. I understand what you all are saying to me but the compromises I meant was small things such as when we are intimate I wear no make up or wig. There's no denying I am woman but she sees a 'male' fig this way. However, lingerie and such stay and she loves that part of it. But also as time goes she seems to be the one asking me to break from those compromises slowly. She has been into the forums with and without me and surfed through various topics and has learned so much as she says, and wants me whole. However, even I feel until our kids are able to understand that dresses, heels, wig etc are out for a bit, but I still wear hosiery, longerie etc under my slacks and blouse. I don't mind that too much though I'm really a woman who is more comfy in a dress or skirt, and the kids are young and go to bed very early. Things are really looking up since a few days ago and I think my fear came mostly from the realization my wife thought this was a choice, not a gender reality, which may have been my fault in that I chose my words neutral when describing my feelings and gender etc. Thank you all for your input.
Title: Re: Ok, I'm confused, I think
Post by: Chynna on June 24, 2006, 04:13:16 PM
Post by: Chynna on June 24, 2006, 04:13:16 PM
Taking risk is definitly a part of being a TS from everything in your life to your choice in PEPSI or COKE...We always run the risk of losing something important to us wether it be our spouse....sex....or even ourselves.....The point im trying to make is simple if a person truly loves you then no matter what you do to yourself physically your still the same person inside that they fell in love with..
Maybe they wont any longer have sex with you like Kate's situation because there "uncomfortable" or not attracted to there spouse with breast or feminine features. and truly if you sit back and reflect on that you can't really blame them but the point is Kate's spouse or anyone else's spouse who has stuck with them through transition shows "True love" period point blank.......... for better or worse......in either spouses eyes..if a spouse leaves someone because they transistioned then you can argue did they ever love them in the first place????????
Or did you deserve the abandonment because you where so busy misleading your spouse and the world hiding your true self that the person HESHE fell in love with isn't even the real you!...but A mask that you portrayed to them because you didn't want to accept yourself...so can you blame them for wanting to leave you because the person they meet wasn't really you??
In any case these are a few points to ponder The lifestyle of a TS is sometimes a big crap shoot you'll win some and loose some it's up to you to decide the risk if that truly is who you are....and your spouse is truly in love with you then it wont make a difference ultimately it just make take some time to adjust! ;)
Weight the factors in full before you move forward thou...
has for SEX!
I don't know about everyone else but i'm a gyrl who...well lets say "USE HERS" cause I have sexual needs and desires and thats my primary sex organ so if i really truly want to tgain the full benefit of sexual pleasure then i have no choice unless I wish to deprive myself and lets be honest simply by being transgendered we are already short changed
Besides look at the things leisbians do in bed and there biological females so the hell if doing that or anything else my lil passionate erotic mind can think of makes me less than an actually 100% REAL WOMAN.
Chynna
Posted at: June 24, 2006, 04:09:10 PM
Crazy with a capitol "T" And yall didn't even know crazy had a "T" in it!!! its silent & invisible
Maybe they wont any longer have sex with you like Kate's situation because there "uncomfortable" or not attracted to there spouse with breast or feminine features. and truly if you sit back and reflect on that you can't really blame them but the point is Kate's spouse or anyone else's spouse who has stuck with them through transition shows "True love" period point blank.......... for better or worse......in either spouses eyes..if a spouse leaves someone because they transistioned then you can argue did they ever love them in the first place????????
Or did you deserve the abandonment because you where so busy misleading your spouse and the world hiding your true self that the person HESHE fell in love with isn't even the real you!...but A mask that you portrayed to them because you didn't want to accept yourself...so can you blame them for wanting to leave you because the person they meet wasn't really you??
In any case these are a few points to ponder The lifestyle of a TS is sometimes a big crap shoot you'll win some and loose some it's up to you to decide the risk if that truly is who you are....and your spouse is truly in love with you then it wont make a difference ultimately it just make take some time to adjust! ;)
Weight the factors in full before you move forward thou...
has for SEX!
I don't know about everyone else but i'm a gyrl who...well lets say "USE HERS" cause I have sexual needs and desires and thats my primary sex organ so if i really truly want to tgain the full benefit of sexual pleasure then i have no choice unless I wish to deprive myself and lets be honest simply by being transgendered we are already short changed
Besides look at the things leisbians do in bed and there biological females so the hell if doing that or anything else my lil passionate erotic mind can think of makes me less than an actually 100% REAL WOMAN.
Chynna
Posted at: June 24, 2006, 04:09:10 PM
Crazy with a capitol "T" And yall didn't even know crazy had a "T" in it!!! its silent & invisible