Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Just when I'm starting to transition (at least with binding, etc), turns out that before moving to my new apartment, I have to spend a month or two with my folks at their house, making money. I have as yet been unable to find a job where I am living now, and my lease is up on July 31st, so I won't even have the money to move to AZ.

Going back to my folks means shaving, no binding, no more boxer briefs, and trying to act more feminine (plus no strip clubs, Nero! :(). I can't imagine how difficult it will be... not only will I be hiding my identity, I will have to live with my parents and younger brother, which will be near impossible after having my own apartment for the past 2 years. I feel like I'm way too old to live with my parents (will be 24 on Thursday), but there just doesn't seem to be any other solution. Ugh. Happy birthday to me.

Rafe

Quote from: Rafe on July 11, 2006, 09:14:44 PM
Just when I'm starting to transition (at least with binding, etc), turns out that before moving to my new apartment, I have to spend a month or two with my folks at their house, making money. I have as yet been unable to find a job where I am living now, and my lease is up on July 31st, so I won't even have the money to move to AZ.

Going back to my folks means shaving, no binding, no more boxer briefs, and trying to act more feminine (plus no strip clubs, Nero! :(). I can't imagine how difficult it will be... not only will I be hiding my identity, I will have to live with my parents and younger brother, which will be near impossible after having my own apartment for the past 2 years. I feel like I'm way too old to live with my parents (will be 24 on Thursday), but there just doesn't seem to be any other solution. Ugh. Happy birthday to me.

Rafe

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh Rafe but there are still things that you can do to achieve results that won't arouse too much suspicion from your parents.  As far as binding goes, there are spandex athletic shirts/tanks out there that could hide quite a bit if you bought one that was a little small/tight for you.  And as far as the boxers go, while they are not guys underwear you might try buying those "boy shorts" that are popular these days, some really look like boys boxers.  Remember it's only for a month or so.  And it's really great incentive to get out and look for that job :)

Steph

Sorry to hear that, Rafe. Will you still come around here, or do they monitor your online activities?

Quote...trying to act more feminine.

Do your parents push you into acting feminine?  I used to subconciously adopt a ridiculously high voice whenever my father came around. Everyone found it so funny because my voice is already soft and didn't require any modification. It sounded like I was mimicking Marilyn Monroe. I never realized I was doing that until someone pointed it out. "Are you aware that you act like a clown in front of your dad?" My father and I have been estranged for years. Hmmm...wonder why?

I realize you may have to relinquish the binders and boxers for now, but see to it that you play no part other than your own. I can only believe it damaging to the soul to be cast as Judy when you are so Jim Stark. On this stage you play only Rafe regardless of the costume he wears.
Hang in there, buddy.

Nero

I have to agree with Nero there.  I assume you will eventually come out to them.  Why not make it easier and more obvious about who you really are?

Melissa

To assume I'd come out to them would be to assume my folks are reasonable people, which unfortunately, they are not. They're highly conservative Christians, and refuse to accept anything that deviates from their perfect picture of reality. If I told them, they'd disown me. And I'm just not stable enough to deal with that.

To answer your question, Nero, yeah, I should be able to get online still, but my computer crashed today because of a virus and apparently killed all my files, so I don't know exactly how easy it'll be. I was amazed I could actually get online still. Good birthday present....

My folks do push me into acting feminine, at least in certain situations, and even worse still, they push me into acting submissive. My brother is 16, and he, by their rules, is the master of the television and any other space that might be occupied within the house (with the exception of my parents' bedroom, of course). I can't count how many times I had to watch Conan O'Brien when I was last home for a couple weeks. Don't get me wrong, I like Conan, but this was also when my brother was keeping me from my crime shows with his X-Box (I'm not into video games). My mother, especially, pushes me into gender norms... she says that men are more important than women, and thus women should obey men (and I guess then it would make sense for me to tell her I'm TS so I get the power... no...). It's ridiculous. The worst thing, though, is shopping. I start going anywhere near the men's clothing, and she protests; I won't even look at magazines or movies anymore when shopping with my mom for fear she might catch me looking too long at a pic of some hot chick. It's just a lot of conforming.

But yeah, Nero, I'm still me, I'm still Rafe. I'm just Rafe repressed.

Rafe,
   I tried to tell my parents when I was 17. That was 1982. I left home to live as a man here in California, which has been my home now for many years. My mom hated that I was a tomboy, and it broke her heart when she found out through a friend I had changed my name back then. Anyway, I ended up going back and livinfg as a woman to make her happy. That lasted 16 years. Now she has been dead the last 3.5 years, I have come to the realization that I have to be Marco no matter what. So I left the "woman" and wife and mom life and her I am full circle to go through with it all this time. I love my kids, but they will adjust. They are even now. My point is don't waste time. I wasted too much time, trying to keep others happy. You are who you are. Your mom will love you no matter what. She will be disturbed for years over it, but she will love you. By the way, happy birthday.

                                           Marco

Thanks. I figure that instead of just coming out and telling my mom (and dad and brother) that I'm trans, I'd rather just continue to act like myself, and maybe they'll just figure it out. Or they won't. In any case, I'm not going to try my best to appease my folks; I just want to make sure there aren't any major confrontations. The fact that my mom would be "disturbed" for awhile is far more relevant than you might think... until I have my own place, a steady job (and income), and a larger support group around me. Right now, she's my main source of income, and if I lose that, not only do I end up possibly living on the streets (which I've done before), but I'd also have to go off my medication (I have clinical depression and OCD), and I don't want to know what that feels like.

I refuse to conform to my parents' gender norms, but I have to put up with them... that's the crappy thing. And I wouldn't do anything drastic like start living as a "traditional" woman and getting married to a man... ugh. (No offense, Marco... everyone has his own situation, and I greatly appreciate your sharing yours with me.) I can't waste any time, I know. I wasted enough dealing with my depression. I'll just have to grin and bear it with my folks... I'm just so glad to have all you guys as support. Thank you.

Oh, and thanks for the birthday wishes. Despite the computer, I will try to make the best of my 24th.

Rafe

QuoteMy folks do push me into acting feminine, at least in certain situations, and even worse still, they push me into acting submissive. My brother is 16, and he, by their rules, is the master of the television and any other space that might be occupied within the house...

My mother was pregnant when I was 2 and three-quarters years old. I thought I was a boy and I begged God for a little brother to play with. Fortunately in my case, God had the foresight not to grant my request. As my father would have favored him, and I, who saw myself as the "firstborn son" with all the rights and privileges accorded, would have been so filled with rage that my sibling got to be a boy and I did not, that the poor soul probably wouldn't have survived his toddler years.
I cannot imagine having to deal with this "gender dysphoric" condition whilst dealing with a male sibling. You have my deepest sympathy.
Fortunately for me (and everyone else), there were no biological males born to my parents, if godforbid there had been, I might be sitting in an insane asylum like Michael Myers.

I grew up in a Christian home as well, so I feel for you there. The situation at your parents' place sounds downright excruciating.

QuoteMy mother, especially, pushes me into gender norms...she says that men are more important than women, and thus women should obey men...

I take it she's not a liberated woman? Seriously, sounds as if she's aware we're in the millenium, she's just confused as to which millenium.
Now that I know your situation, I understand what you mean by "back into hiding".
This situation is far from ideal, but a man must do what he must in order to survive.
And it sounds as if this is exactly what you're doing.  You must survive with your identity intact.
I'm here for you if you need support or just to vent your frustrations (and it sounds as if there'll be many), PM me.
Don't lose heart, Rafe, this too shall pass.

Nero

Yeah, Nero, I was seven when my mom became pregnant with my brother, and all I wanted was a sister. I hoped that if my mom had another girl, then she'd be okay with the fact that I wasn't the daughter she'd always wanted, and she could instead enforce her gender norms on my sister... but that didn't happen. Instead I got my brother, Nic, who I tortured as if we were brothers in his childhood, and now I just envy... he's 6'4" while I'm 5'6", and I swear he got all the looks in the family, though I have friends who disagree with that. I also have 2 older half brothers, from my dad's first marriage... it just really gets to me that my dad has three sons, and yet I'm not one of them (at least not genetically).

One good thing about Nic, though, is that he's great to hang out with now that he's older, and I've found that we have the same tastes in a lot of things, even chicks! And it's funny... we were at that mass conglomerate superstore nobody seems able to name, though it starts with a wal and ends with a mart, and I got carded for a rated-R movie, and while I was griping about it later, wondering how anyone could mistake a 23-year-old for being under 17, Nic said that while for a chick I looked 23, I also resembled a 16- or 17-year-old guy. He didn't say it with disdain... in fact, I think he might be the only one in my family who might actually accept my being TS. He will be my saving grace, I think, while I'm back home. Him, and all you guys and your support. It is much appreciated.

Well, I think I have to go celebrate... what would I be if I didn't celebrate my own birthday? Later.

Rafe

Hugs Rafe, I know how hard that can be as I have had to switch back and forth from time to time.  Blah.

Also sorry to hear that your mom is not in the current century.

Rafe,

Same deal with my parents, but the best advice that I can give you is to make sure that you're not doing this for them (i'm saying this from my personal experience). Don't compromise who you are to please them, you'll feel empty and very confused afterwards (and during). You don't have to shave (just say you've become a hippie!) or stop wearing mens clothing, but I also don't suggest just throwing it in their face that you dress male all the time and don't care what they think... you have to play it smart with parents like that. I didn't and it's really cost me for the past 5 years. And Steph made some great suggestions regarding your clothing alternatives.

I have no doubt in my mind you can get through this time without giving up who you are. We're all backing you 100% and hope that you keep us posted.

HAVE A GREAT BIRTHDAY BUDDY!

    Tino

Rafe:
I am Wolfie/Tino's SO.
It sounds incredibly painful to have to give up who u are to get their love, support & acceptance. Actually it was his parent's rejection & cruelty that prompted me to find this site. I felt so angry & helpless that they would not see him for who he is today. If that wasnt bad enough they ridiculed him. (I am glad I about finding this site).
Are your parents also against medication? (re depression & OCD). Or are they like my mom who is quite convinced I dont require medication b/c I couldn't possibly have depression? ( FYI my dad committed suicide, parents can be in such denial ).  ::)
Keep in touch so u dont feel too lost. You'll have your life back again.
~Spike/Amy

No, my folks aren't against medication... although my mom is the reason I didn't get help until I did. I suffered through my problems from age 14 on... deaths of numerous kids from my high school precipitated my problems, and I can remember begging my parents to take me to a therapist, but they didn't believe in psychology. It took a major nervous breakdown 6 months ago for my mom to realize I really needed help, but now she thinks the drugs are all I need (though my therapist terminated therapy because he said I no longer needed it). My mom, however, would deny me money for my treatment if she thought she could use it as leverage against me, and she knows that my worst fear is to have to be depressed again.

Oh, and Tino, I meant I'll have to shave my face. That ticks me off. I already told my mom I'm not shaving my legs anymore because of razor burn. It worked well enough as an excuse, but she still doesn't like it.

Rafe


Posted at: July 14, 2006, 11:44:15 AM

---

Well, I talked to my mom today, because I'm broke and just about out of food, and she's decided I should come home even sooner... she says get everything packed this week and leave next Monday. So much for having a little time to be myself before going back to hell on earth... even though my lease isn't up until August 10th, she wants me out there early. So I told her I'd think about it, then hung up and beat the crap out of my punching bag (stress reliever now that I'm trying to quit smoking). I was already starting to feel depressed again because of having to leave, but now, to hear I might have to go even sooner, it's compounded. All I need is a depressive episode, after almost 6 months without. I'm trying to think of some excuse for why I have to stay here, but ultimately it's her choice... I have been entirely unable to find work, and my mom is my only source of money.

Golly... and I don't even have the money to go to the strip club every night to make myself feel better. That's life, I guess.

Rafe

Hang in there Rafe we all go throught difficault events,

It is hard hidding but in the end everything will work out.

Alice

Ouch dude.... Moving back in with the folks.... out or not its a high stress situation....

Just moved back into my parrents house... what, a week ago, or was it two.  Ive allready come out to them, but am not living full time (yet)  Just started a new job but its going to take a few months to save up enough to get my own place so I can really be me.  I know there not necicarily accepting of me but there tollorant. ThoughI did recieve a polite request to stop wandering around the house in certian pairs of my PJ's LoL.

Anyways, they drive me absolutly nuts... having to live by there rules again after being gone for 2 years round abouts.... and I swear to god my father is the most ANOYING and DEPRESSING creature placed on this earth... <would make Marvin commit suicide to get away.  reffrence 42>

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you can make it out of there in one piece and with your sanity intact. *hugs*

im late but happy b day
take care
              jaded

Got back to CO last evening, and the first thing my mom said was, "Do you have any hair left?" Since then, it has continued on like that, this morning with her telling me that if I was going to work in her office (because I have to work off debt to my folks) I couldn't slick back my hair. She said she didn't like it slicked back, so I couldn't do it. Then she proceeded to criticize my choice of clothing, and condemn even more of my image I have worked so hard to protect. Wow... feeling emasculated, and even more than that, irate. Why can't parents just be accepting of their children, and happy about their accomplishments?

I just keep telling myself, 2 months, only 2 months, and I'm gone, and I won't have to live here anymore. Only 2 months.

Rafe

Rafe,

   Yes. Parents have a way with making us feel like we need to undo ourselves after we spend so much time on tring to be who it is we are, although they never see it that way. Both my parents are dead. But my birth mother found me 9 years ago, she accepts me the way I am, even to the point of my surgery I am about to have. It is like wow.


                                                Marco

Rafe
The reason I looked for & found Susans is b/c Tinos parents are vry much like your. I just feel so hurt and mythed. I am puzzled and confused, just saddened. Hang in there I am really glad you are going to be at West Fest too.
~Amy

Yeah, as long as I don't go insane first. My mom had a fit in Wal-Mart yesterday, and a second one 5 minutes later in the same place... both involved yelling at me. Even if it's not cracks about my not exactly conforming to the female gender, I still get trouble from my folks. I appreciate everyone being so supportive, though; even my brother has been criticizing me about my appearance lately, and that's not normal for him.

Rafe


Posted at: August 04, 2006, 05:48:27 PM

---

not to mention my macho pig brother just came in and took the desk I was working at. 2 days and already I can't stand it... and this is with still trying to make the best of things.

Rafe repressed

Rafe, this may be good for you.  It will intensify your need to come out to them regardless of the consequences, because it doesn't sound like it could gget much worse for you.

Melissa

Quote from: Melissa on August 04, 2006, 06:25:22 PM
Rafe, this may be good for you.  It will intensify your need to come out to them regardless of the consequences, because it doesn't sound like it could gget much worse for you.

Melissa

Yeah, but he maybe he should wait until he's back on his feet. It might be better to lie low as it were while he's still under their roof, considering the fact that his mother's not even in the current century.
I really feel for you, Rafe. To this day, my mother does my laundry and thinks nothing of the boxers. But, then, she has two other daughters, one of whom is the epitome of femininity. She's always sort of thought of me as "the son she never had".  Do you think maybe she's pressed you so hard about conforming to the female gender, because she wanted a daughter so badly?
I know you're already doing the best you can, the only thing to do is start counting down the days to freedom.
Do whatever little things make you happy until then. I know the criticism hurts. It would be nice if your mom would get a clue and realize after 24 years, she's just not going to have that perfect princess.
As for the brother, demand some respect, man.
As always, if you need to vent, I'm here. PM me.

Nero

Rafe,

The hardest part about the insanity that is inflicted on adult kids by their parents is holding on to the inner truth, and accepting with a sense of pity the ignorance that rules their parents lives. ( Not ingornace about TS issues, just ignorance about life in general)

To find peace while you share this space with them, can most likely be found by accepting them as suffering and hurting from their own lack of self acceptence. Have you ever met anyone that accepts themselves, that does not accept others, truly?  When you write of your mom you write of a woman that is in serious inner pain, and burried in the blur of denial and ignorance over far more than what her childs identity is.  Look at her the next time you can watch her do things, and see if you can find compassion and sadness for the life she must have trapped herself in...by doing so you may find that you are free from the insanity anger and what not may bring to you.

This is just a suggestion, something I have seen work miracles in many lives.  Hang in there!

Peace,
Taylor

Quote from: Nero on August 04, 2006, 07:14:57 PM
Yeah, but he maybe he should wait until he's back on his feet. It might be better to lie low as it were while he's still under their roof, considering the fact that his mother's not even in the current century.

Yes, but he's only working for them to pay off a debt to them anyways.  They don't need to treat him like <green beans>.

Melissa

Yeah, they're treating me like crap, but truthfully, I know Nero's advice is the best to follow; my folks could always kick me out with nothing but the clothes on my back. I have no money, terrible credit (due to all the student loans), and friends with whom I could stay maybe a month at the most, though most of them are back in Indiana. My car is near dead, and with the rising costs of gas, it'd be near impossible for me even to get out of the state on what I (don't) have. There's also my meds to consider... my mom is the only one who can pay for them, and I can't do without them, unless I want to go straight back into the miserable depression I was in prior to my treatment. I am working off a debt to them, but I'm working off a debt to everyone else, too; I owe my grandmother for her help with my rent when I almost got kicked out, and I owe the hospital for my stay in the emergency room when I hit rock bottom back in February (prior to treatment for my depression). Then I have to think about getting money so I can move back out on my own again, and start paying off student loans. Pretty much, I'm stuck, and it seems the more I try to assert myself to my parents, the more they knock me down with their biting criticisms.

I have tried to demand respect from my brother, but the problem is that, regardless of his being 7 1/2 years younger than me, my parents have always treated him like the king of the castle, and they condone any of his behavior, regardless of how uncouth it might be. I'm trying to just deal with it, because my brother, while a jerk at times, is my only ally out here. I think he's just being influenced more and more by the cracked ideals of my folks and their somewhat extremist church.

And Taylor, I'm trying. I'm trying to see the good in my mom. The problem is, most people will listen to your point of view and at least try to understand it before totally rejecting it, and my mom acts as if everything is just the way she's always known it to be, and nothing could possibly change that. If I came out to my folks, they would undoubtedly disown me. My brother would most likely still be a part of my life, because he's not anywhere near as crazy as the folks are (and I have suspicions about his sexuality, anway), but I'd never see or talk to my parents again. And until I get entirely on my feet, that would be impossible to take... it could mean the total and utter destruction of my future. So unless anyone needs a roommate who is currently unemployed and in awful debt, I'm stuck here.

Rafe

oh, and thank you so much, everyone, for your support.

 Rafe,
   It's good you are still young. It will take you being out on your own for your parents to ever come to terms with what you decission is. But it sounds like you have your head on straight, and know the things you need to get in order before telling them. Maybe you could just drop hints here and there to see a reaction? Hang in there bro, it is only a matter of time.

                                        Marco

                                       

Well, maybe when you are prepared to move out on your own, you could tell them.

Melissa

I feel like doing that, Melissa; I had it out with them yet again tonight. My mom was p.o.'d because I have one of those internet movie rental things, and I can't cancel it in time for them to bill me again, even though I don't have the money in my account. She blew the whole thing out of proportion, then my dad started in telling me what a terrible kid I was and how I couldn't do anything, basically. I asked them to let me know when I finally did enough that they were proud of me, if that ever happens, and that just made them madder. I almost told them to f*** off, but again, nowhere else to go.

Rafe

Hi Rafe,

Well looking for the "Good" is not what I was actually trying to say.... but looking at the human weakness and her inner demons is what I was more closely trying to say to you. The truth is by doing this I often spare myself a lot of un needed emotional termoil and can stay focused on what my own reality really is while feeling compassion for the other personals lack of reality.

As for telling your parents, I can't see how that would be a issue to even begin to face right now in your life.  You hang in their and work your way through what you face right now, the future will take care of it's self in due time. Well at least that has been my experience.

Peace,

Taylor

Quote from: taylor on August 05, 2006, 10:17:35 PM
As for telling your parents, I can't see how that would be a issue to even begin to face right now in your life.  You hang in their and work your way through what you face right now, the future will take care of it's self in due time. Well at least that has been my experience.

I do have to agree with taylor on this one.

Melissa

Well, fortunately, I think things are looking up a bit... I have 3 job interviews tomorrow, and all look promising. At the least, a job will take me out of the house for a decent amount of time, and that means time away from my folks.

Rafe

Nice. 8)

Melissa

I got the first job, which is full-time and pays $11 an hour. And I should be getting a call tomorrow telling me I got a part-time job elsewhere as well. Paying for a ticket to Portland should be simple, and I should definitely make my deadline of moving in 2 months. Things are looking up!

Rafe

Great to hear Rafe.

Melissa

congrats... at least its just a short while... as long as theres hope you should still be able to make it. :)

Allright Rafe!!!  Congratulations and good luck :)  Maby in two months I can transfer out there and we can roommate and both get out of the parrental hell LoL   

Just kidding, Couldnt leave my band behind LoL.       *Hugs*

Well, I thought things would get better. Instead, now I come home after a long day of work to get yelled at by my mom for one thing or another. She acted like she was going to kick me out last night... all because of some little arbitrary thing. I like my new job okay, but they call me by my female name, which I abhor... I don't exactly know how to go about changing that. As for my folks, I'm hoping to stay away from them as much as possible. At my current pay rate, I should make almost $2000 a month, which is more than I've ever made at a job before, and should get me out of here in the expected 2 months. Man, I can't wait

Rafe

Rafe,

Here may be a helpful tip for you in regard to not having to deal with your old name.  If you are new to the people around there, tell them that you go by say initials like RJ or whatever initials are yours...and if yours don't sound right, make something up...and when they ask you why those initials tell them it is from a nick name given to you when you were young and the initials just stuck, and people pretty much drop it from there and will call you by those intials. It is less gender specific and also leaves you free from the name that makes you feel so screwed over.... I have known this to work!  But it is only a suggestion if you feel it can work for you. People always had nick names, initial names from both sexes, so it does not really bring anythign into question for you!

Hang in there I know it is very hard to deal with...but coping skills can be found to hopefully make life a little more tolerable until you can get out and back to your own life.

Good luck

Peace,

Taylor

Good practical advice Taylor.
Congrats Rafe! The new jobs, coming to West Fest! Standing up to your mom.
Sounds like you are really making the most of ti & are goingn to meet your move out deadline.
I am very happy for you.  :D
~Spike

Well, today I got a call from the manager at another place I'd applied, and I'm hired... now I have 2 jobs and should be working 55-60 hours per week. This should be awesome, as long as I can handle the full-time one; today we had a visiting manager from another store, and she told me she wanted me to try on the jeans so I'd know how they fit... the women's jeans. I tried to tell her they wouldn't fit (which isn't entirely true, but they wouldn't fit right), but she told me it was necessary, so I took a few pairs of jeans in the fitting rooms, looked at them, threw them at the wall, and walked back out. She asked me later why I hadn't modeled them for her, and I said I preferred not to. Fortunately, she didn't take it any further, but when I had suggested I try on the men's jeans, which would undoubtedly fit me, she seemed to think it a ridiculous idea. Good thing she's not my real manager; my real manager is fine with my wearing men's clothes, and I might just try to get her to start calling me by some gender neutral nickname. It should be all right.

Things with my mom have been better since yesterday... yesterday, for those of you who don't know, I had to go to court for a charge of speeding and reckless driving (I was clocked at 27 mph over the speed limit). I was told the charges could be up to 3 months in jail, but fortunately the D.A. waived the reckless driving charge, so I just have to pay a speeding ticket. My mom went all the way to court with me (it was 4 hours away), and we talked the whole time, as well as on the way back. I still don't believe for a second I could ever tell her I'm TS, but at least she's being more accepting of me personality-wise, and that's a move in the right direction.

Rafe

Rafe, what kind of job do you have where you're paid $2000/month to try on jeans at a store?  Are you a manikin?  Congratulations on the progress with your mom.

Melissa

I still haven't "come out" to my parents... I've considered, but... My dad's the real problem.
He always yells at me, bitches whines and complains that I don't dress like "normal girls" and how he wants his "daughter" to be more "normal" and why, oh why can't I wear pink and flowers and lipstick all the time and be a stupid materialistic bimbo just like he always wanted me to be...

You should have seen the fit he threw when I cut my hair to just above ear-length. I live with my boyfriend right, and he comes and visits me sometimes. And holy hell, the grumbling and complaining. I've tried to tell him that I want to be a boy, that I've always wished I was, but he blows it off and tells me to stop lying. I guess he's just too old fashioned or whatever it is that makes people so pig-headed.

It's really rough. I know they love me in their own way as their daughter... But what I really want them to do is to love me... Unconditionally... As their son.

Kismet, that's how I feel, too. I don't have a boyfriend... I'm straight, and don't have a girlfriend at the time being, either, but I have dated guys in the past, and I tried dressing as a girl in the past... it just doesn't work for me. Even when I dress as a girl (shudder), my folks find things to pick on me about. Just the other day I was talking to my mom about when I was a kid, and she mentioned when I was 7, that I told her I was a boy named Timmy and wouldn't answer to anything else half the time... she said, "You were Timmy a lot." Now, 17 years later, I kind of wish I could just do that again. Say, hey Mom, I'm a guy named Rafe, so I won't answer to anything else, and you've got to just accept me as I am. But I know it won't work. Back then, it was cute. Now, she'd just have a heart attack, then kick me out of the house and out of her life once she'd recovered.

My folks bug me about dressing like a chick, but fortunately for me, I have very broad shoulders and am stocky & muscular, so most women's clothing doesn't fit me, anyway. They've started to realize I'm going to wear men's clothing regardless of what they say or think, and I think by now they've all but given up. My mom tries every once in awhile, but it never works.

Oh, and Melissa, I work in a retail clothing store. Unfortunately, I don't like the clothing there, but it's cool; all I have to do is work my ass off, then use my paycheck for clothes at a store I do like.

Rafe

Quote from: Rafe on August 12, 2006, 10:19:50 PM
My folks bug me about dressing like a chick, but fortunately for me, I have very broad shoulders and am stocky & muscular, so most women's clothing doesn't fit me, anyway.

I feel you there, Rafe. I remember being dragged by my mother into the ladies' department as a teenager.
It was comical to say the least. The shirts never fit, but the pants were the worst, as the manufacturers are assuming you have hips of some kind. If I got them big enough to go around my waist, there was too much room everywhere else. As a biological female, I assume I have a female pelvic girdle, but you wouldn't know it to look at me.
The next time your folks start in about the clothes, just tell them you feel uncomfortable because they don't fit. It's the truth anyway.

Nero

I feel for ya, man! When I first told my dad, he sent me to the mall and made me buy a bunch of girly clothes. (We had a deal--if I dressed as a girl for two weeks, he'd let me get a pet rat.  :-\) I just bought whatever my mom liked and handed the clothes over to her. It was humiliating having to wear all of those clothes for a whole two weeks.

Keep your head up, Rafe! I hope you can get your own place soon. What a world!

Nice to meet you, Andrew, and thanks for the post... I had a pet rat once. A couple, actually. They drove my folks nuts. Now I just have a dog, and she's even more trouble (but doesn't leave little pellets in the corner of her cage... usually LOL).

My mom's newest thing is giving my little brother (he's 16) preferential treatment, and he's revelling in it. He's been about the biggest jerk he could be, even lying to my folks, telling them I've been spending their money on all kinds of frivolous stuff, which is crap. This is just exacerbating the situation, as well as the fact that I don't get a paycheck for another 2 weeks and am dirt broke until then.

At least I started my 2nd job today... it's lower pay than my full-time, which sucks, but the perks are good... I'm selling Le Creuset cookware, some of the highest-priced stuff on earth, and I get it 75% off. Not a bad deal. Unfortunately, though, I still have to come back to my parents' house every night, and get yelled at or whatever, and I still have to go by my female name, which I hate with a passion, and not bind. I'm stagnating in my transition, and it sucks. I just have to stick it out 7 more weeks

Rafe

Rafe,
   You are handling it much better than I would at your age. Like Taylor said, use initials instead of your female name. I did that at a job I had in my hometown before I moved out here to California gosh 20 years ago. But anyway, I could not stand them calling me by my female name so I said just call me "M" so they did. Also, maybe you can bind if you wear big shirts, so people wont notice and you will feel better because those things are strapped down.

                                            Marco

Rafe,

Man bro my heart really goes out to you.  I can actually feel the feelings you are having boil up inside of you...been there many many years ago...there will come a day this will truly be a distant memory at best... hang in there!!! I promise you that this can get better, and you are busting ass to get through it, so you will get through this!

Peace
Taylor

It's rough with me, too. My family of course, since I'm finding it so difficult to even attempt to "come out" to them, call me my female name and all that. They're not bad names... I just... I'm a DUDE. Dudes aren't named "Alida Gabrielle."
My names are "Draeden Tobias" and that's the way it is. Or at least, the way I'd like it to be.

I know what it's like to be yelled and screamed at. I'm the only child so I can't say much for the sibling part of it, but my mother is perhaps one of the least understanding, least reasonable, and hardest to talk to people in the world. She's the kind of person that will FREAK if you leave a cup on a counter.
Not ask you to put it back -- Just freak.

My boyfriend and I have to stay at her place because we're in between apartments. We were evicted from our last place because they were doing quite illegal 'renovations.' It's a long story, but... The skinny of it is is that we live in Victoria, THE most expensive place in BC Canada, and we're in the low income bracket. I was forced to leave home when I was 14 for... Well, abuse reasons, and so I had to dump my last year of school for a full time work position. I moved in with him, that happened, and we just can't find ANYTHING in this whole damn town for less than or par $600/mo. It sucks.

So here we are, once again in World War III camp at my mother's and the street is starting to look more and more appealing. We get berated, yelled at, objects thrown at us and forced to do their housework in addition to paying them rent. It sucks and we want out.
But we're stuck.

... Wow, sorry for my off-topic ramble but... Yeah, Rafe, I know what it's like and I sympathise completely. I wish you luck, man.

Hi Guys....

I truly feel for you, parents are a special challenge and something I did not enjoy.

But as Taylor said, there will be a time when all this will be in the past, that is for sure.

My Mom died last year and my Dad, even 6 years after transition sometimes calls me by my old name (although this is habit rather than spite) and I forgive him. Just a bit off putting when he shouts it across a crowded restraunt.

Rafe .... Special hugs for you hun, must be a depressing situation (short term) but never stop believing (Hey... I once drove to France to buy some Le Creuset pans for my ex!). One of the last things I did for my boss before I went full time was go to a conference, had to wear a suit, tie, shirts, guys shoes and even had to put my hair in a pony tail..... I cried my eyes out everynight at the hotel... I hated it.

Kismet .... Draeden Tobias, great name, I love it and again hang on in there it will get better.

I agree with Marco... just use your initials guys (ironically mine used to be M.A.N - never have forgiven my parents)


Buffy

(Alias Rebecca)