Susan's Place Transgender Resources

my youngest child, about to turn 15,
has determined that happiness lies
outside the realm of the birth gender
and is identifying as an FTM

i am really going to stumble with
the terms and pronouns for a while
( i have decided i HATE pronouns)
but i am in transitional thinking myself
as i accept for this child the need to be a boy....

that first haircut, androgynous and cool....
the look on his face said it all

the glee in his voice when he told me
" i passed" and it wasnt about math grades.....
seems kids at a mall thought he was someone they knew....
a "boy" someone

at any rate....
i am not sure what it is i need to know...
i am not even sure of what i already know,
beyond the belief that no matter the what or who,
this is my kid and i love him enough to want
this journey to have the best conceivable outcome for him....

i look forward to meeting you all

godspeed
hizmom

I can't tell you how happy I am to hear that you're so supportive! ^_^  It's always wonderful to see a parent being genuinely happy for their child[ren].

It seems to me that you already know the most important thing: As you said, he is your child and you want him to be happy.  Beyond all else, that's the most important.

As for pronouns, you'll get used to it. :) At first you might hesitate a little before using them, but soon enough it'll be second nature.  And from your post, you're doing quite well with that already!

Welcome to Susan's. :)

Hizmom,

First, Welcome to Susan's!  This is a great place for information, making contacts, finding support and meeting some of the most incredible group of people from around the world.

Second, thank you for being so supportive of your son!  There is nothing more powerful than a mother's love and acceptance.

I can only imagine how overwhelming this must be for you and your son.  Please know that you are not alone.

At the risk of overloading you, let me throw out a few ideas in terms of finding local support.
      See if your child's school has a gay/straight alliance.  If not, is there one near by?
      Google "gay organizations {insert your city's name}" and "gay organizations {insert your state}"
      Did you see the 20/20 special on transsexual children?  The parents of those kids have
                started a support group that can be
                found at http://www.transkidspurplerainbow.org/
      Another place to find information is at PFLAG: Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.
                http://community.pflag.org/NETCOMMUNITY/Page.aspx?pid=194&srcid=-2

Welcome to Susan's.

Chaunte

thank you for the support
which is very much appreciated
and very much needed

lately this has been kind of
a snowballing emothional ride....


last weekend my son
was in boston attending
GLSEN's leadership training

the week between this weekend
and last weekend have been really
hard for him.....

last spring we signed "her" up
for a band camp... "girls rock"
a national program teaching girls
to be in/front a rock band.....

it was hard! the first day he
told the director, who had known
him as a girl, what was going on
and that coming back less than 12 hrs
ago from a totally open and supporting
atmosphere being male, this was just too
much for ANYONE to bear, esp an adolescent!

the director could not have been more cool....
she talked to the other "campers" and they
all said " he should stay"

unfortunately the newspaper article
emphasized the "she-ness" of everything
and i have to admit i told him that
"this is not your platform" and to just
go with the flow and correct misconceptions
as they arise later....

what was EXCELLENT is that a local
"rock celeb" was at the performance and
he told the director that " that kid held
the group together" and later came up to
AD and shook his hand and told him: you were solid

he/we are glad that it is over
and his statement to me last night was:
that is the last thing i am ever going to do
as a girl.....

i believe that with every fiber of my being!

ps
the director said we need to
get him in voice and talent development!!

this is my favourite song so far!
(isnt he the cutest thing!) ::)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=tYq-P9XluPY (http://youtube.com/watch?v=tYq-P9XluPY)

Hizmom,

You already have the basics down... the most important is love and the desire to understand.  And I can't believe that you are already using the pronouns he prefers.

It's been over twenty years for me and my parents still can't (or won't) do it.

My best to you and welcome to the forum! 

Cindi

Wow. That's wonderful. You're a very supportive mother. Make sure he's safe, though. Remember that if you give him everything he wants he could get hurt. :P Other than that, I'm amazed. My parents are not taking it as well as you are.

this kid works for what he gets

we are not in a position to
give any of them "everything"
and frankly, a few of them
could appear in a dictionary
to illustrate slacker....

music is what turns his world....
therein i believe comfort is manifest

in another post somewhere
i shared what it was like
thinking s/he was in danger of
dying at the age of 4....
comparatively, knowing that his
brain is not at one with his body....
not exactly that it doesnt matter,
but it isnt a threat or a tragedy or a travesty

it just is what it is.....

it saddens me deeply that
some parents will choose
perception over reality....

That's good. I'm glad he's a dedicated kid. He'll go far if he keeps working hard.

My mother chooses her perception. My step mother wants me to focus on "human issues" rather than "gender issues," but my gender issues really come to the forefront, driving me through so much pain that it's hard to be a "successful human." I am not an androgyne, I want to be a successful young man, not just "a person." But at least she isn't trying to make me be a girl like my mom is.

My dad wants the same as my step mom does, but he isn't as assertive. He just wants me to get a good therapist and get things moving. He wants answers.

My step dad told me he'd never accept me as a man. Flat out. He'll probably stop speaking to me if I transition. It saddens me greatly, because he's one of my best friends. My brother thinks this is all "just a phase," and my aunt is in denial. My cousin John is concerned but he hasn't formed an opinion.

We'd never tell my grandma (step mom's mother); the stress would kill her (not really, but she'd be quite upset). My one of my uncles is developmentally disabled and wouldn't understand... My other uncle, my mom's sister's husband... I don't know what he thinks. And my dad's brother may or may not know... not so sure.

My family as a whole has no idea. I'm the first queer of the family on all sides, I believe.

wow...this thread makes me really really smile.  it sounds like you are a totally amazing mother and your son is really lucky to have you.
my girlfriend is 26 years old and lives in fear of telling her mother that she, formerly he, is going to live the remainder of life as a female.  general androgony goes a long way and she's always been the "weird kid" but eventually the truth is going to surface.  i wish that she could have had a family as kind and supportive as the one you are providing for your son.

also, i hate pronouns as well.

Wow,  Hizmom,  No worries on the pronoun's,   Your support and acceptance is wonderful to hear and what your son needs most.  Even with your support, your son will have some rough times ahead.  Such an uplifting account. 

A very warm welcome to Susans

Beni

There is a really helpful and insightful new book that was recently released this past June. 

It is called The Transgender Child: A Handbook for Families and Professionals by Stephanie Brill and Rachel Pepper

It has been called "a comprehensive, first-of-its-kind guidebook for the unique challenges that thousands of families face raising children who step outside of the pink or blue box".

Brill and Pepper describe the process that many families go through after learning that a child is transgender or gender variant and lay out strategies for parents to  move from crisis to acceptance. This book covers developmental stages of the transgender
child from birth to college,  transition decisions, appropriate disclosure, and the educational, medical, and legal issues that parents and therapists need to know.

Here's what other people have to say about the book:
"The Transgender Child is a ground-breaking book. It is a sophisticated and sympathetic look at a world unknown to many of us. Families with transgender children often suffer because of society's prejudices. This book opens a door and shines a light on members of society who deserve the compassion and understanding of us all."
-Peggy O'Mara, Editor and Publisher of Mothering Magazine

"A 'must read' for the families I see. I will suggest that parents provide copies to their school nurses and administrators. I will also recommend it to my colleagues in pediatrics and adolescent medicine. As a pediatrician, I find no greater pleasure than helping children grow and develop into happy, healthy, well-adjusted adults. This resource will help me in that goal for gender-variant and transgender youth."
-Irene N. Sills, MD, Professor of Pediatrics, SUNY - Upstate Medical University, Joslin Center for Diabetes and Endocrinology


About the authors:
STEPHANIE BRILL is the founder of Gender Spectrum Education and Training, which provides education, resources and training to create a more gender-sensitive and supportive environment for all children. She founded and runs the Children's Hospital Oakland Support Group for parents of gender-variant and transgender children and teens. She also co-produces a national conference, Gender Spectrum Family (genderspectrumfamily.org), for families with gender-variant and transgender children. Brill wrote The Queer Parents Primer (New Harbinger Press) and co-authored The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth (Alyson).

RACHEL PEPPER is the Coordinator of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Studies at Yale University. An award-winning journalist and an editor at Curve Magazine, she is the author of The Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians (Cleis Press) and co-author of The Gay and Lesbian Guide to College Life (Princeton Review).

For more information about the book and/or authors, I suggest visiting: http://www.genderspectrum.org/book.htm

wow, your wonderfully s'portive.
i imagine this is the bit where you start to see him blossom, slowly grow into the man he was meant to be.
and that must feel good.

Quote from: hizmom on July 18, 2008, 02:54:06 PM
my youngest child, about to turn 15,
has determined that happiness lies
outside the realm of the birth gender
and is identifying as an FTM

i am really going to stumble with
the terms and pronouns for a while
( i have decided i HATE pronouns)
but i am in transitional thinking myself
as i accept for this child the need to be a boy....

that first haircut, androgynous and cool....
the look on his face said it all

the glee in his voice when he told me
" i passed" and it wasnt about math grades.....
seems kids at a mall thought he was someone they knew....
a "boy" someone

at any rate....
i am not sure what it is i need to know...
i am not even sure of what i already know,
beyond the belief that no matter the what or who,
this is my kid and i love him enough to want
this journey to have the best conceivable outcome for him....

i look forward to meeting you all

godspeed
hizmom

HI there Mizz HizMom...great name!

I'm Dan, aka Ftmshubbie. I'm 62 years old and have been married for 26 years to Rob, who came out to me 3 or 4 years ago as FtM. He began living as a guy full time, began T treatment and had top surgery back in 2006. Over these past few years I've learned an awful lot about being TG/TS. I was a professor of anthropology beore I retired, so I already knew the basics--especially on an historical and cross-cultural basis--but since then I've made the trans phenomenon a persoanl and scholarly focus in my life.

It may sound a little trite, but I think that when our trans family members find the support they need to be who they are, they really become special sorts of people. There is something magical about having one's life touched by this ability--the need--to transcend the cultural restrictions of gender. When it doesn't happen easily, of course, it can become a source of terrible pain and frustration for the trans person and his or her entire family.

I work as staff on Susan's online, real time chats. If you'd like to check in and meet some more of these very soecial friends of mine--from about 14 years to 70-somethings--stop by the chat rooms anytime, but especially in the evenings. I'm usually there for a while between 8-10 Eastern Time. There is an SO chat called #SOTalk, but you should log onto the general chat, called #Chat, first of all and introduce yourself.

AT any rate, I'm very happy to have "met" you here, and I wish you the best of luck with your son--although I know you probably won't need luck. You seem to have lots of love and common sense. They'll take you a very long way.

Dan

Wow! That is some very interesting information, Dan! It's amazing that you came through Rob's transition and that you two are still together. It's a hard transition for everyone, I'm sure.

Hello,
I am new to this site and to parenting a transgendered young person. I am looking for help and support with this very new and painful situation. I sure could use some help. I feel like a terrible parent because I'm not able to "accept" this. If someone can help me I would truly appreciate it. My child is 19 and is a FTM transgender. We just found out 2 months ago and are trying to deal the best we can. Thank you

Sasha,

Why do you find it hard to accept it? :) What bothers you about it?

Quote from: Sasha2 on August 01, 2008, 09:57:50 PM
Hello,
I am new to this site and to parenting a transgendered young person. I am looking for help and support with this very new and painful situation. I sure could use some help. I feel like a terrible parent because I'm not able to "accept" this. If someone can help me I would truly appreciate it. My child is 19 and is a FTM transgender. We just found out 2 months ago and are trying to deal the best we can. Thank you

Sasha2, I thought I had better jump in and talk to you, even though this thread was started by hizmom (hi, hizmom--your son is so brave, and so are you!).

I cannot pretend to be a family man. I'm not. I never really connected much with my own mother, and a lot of that might have to do with my gender confusion, which I kept a secret. There was no communication in my family, and that made things tense. It's one reason that I cut my family off.

You might think that all of this disqualifies me from commenting on your situation. Perhaps it does, but it might also offer me unique insight. Here's the way I see it. If you love your child and are having a hard time dealing with this new situation, PLEASE don't beat yourself up. Understanding takes time. The fact that you are here on Susan's Place and are trying to comprehend all of this is GOOD. A bad parent would NEVER do what you are doing. You are human. Cut yourself some slack.

You might feel as if you are losing a daughter. Unfortunately, you will probably need to grieve the loss of that daughter so that you can celebrate the son. I think that this grief would be only natural and does not make you a bad mom.

When it comes to our families, rejection is probably the biggest fear that folks like me have. If you haven't already, do please let your child know that even if you need time to sort out some feelings, you still love him no matter what, just because he's your kid. Tell him to his face and make sure he knows it. Maybe you've already done that. If so, brava!

I'm sorry if I'm putting undeserved pressure on you. I only want to help. And I want you and your child to be okay.

Dear Arch,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I do feel like a terrible mother and wonder why I just can't let go of my daughter. I want to learn as much as I can in order to be supportive to my child. (I can't call her my son yet, its too painful) I cry everyday and if I didn't have my husband to rely on I don't know what would become of me. Our child lives in our home and I try to shy away from using inappropriate pronouns and to respect the situation, but it is very difficult to let go. I pay for the therapist that "Alex" chose and I get up everyday and just remember to take a breath.Thanks again for your response. I wish you well.

Sasha

Sasha,

Have you and 'Alex' sat down and talked it out.  It is just as important to supportive even though you are grieving for your 'daughter'. 

I really think that Hizmom is a rare jewel.  If more parents were like her then the suicide rate for TS/TG would be lower.

You will go thru the stages of grieving and come out at the end with a new son, who is still your child.    It is important to remember that he is still the same person inside, it is just the outside that is changing.

If more parents were as excepting as you and Hizmom are, the world would be better off.

Janet?

first,
thanks to dan
and pica pica
and rennared
and beni
and katelynne

your support and encouragement
is heartening and reassuring to me
and to my son as we trek thru this
morass of issues that muddy the waters
for individuals who strive to embrace their reality

speaking from a parent's heart,
a mother's heart, undeniably a
paradox of strength and vulnerability.....

this journey has been underway
since before these children were born

we simply have been invited to accompany
our children as they face enormous struggles
to compensate for an anomaly of fetal development
that placed them four square in a dilemma not of
their making or in their control......

having faced a crisis with an uncertain outcome
as to the survival of my child, i have a scale to
use when judging any circumstance that pushes
the boundaries of what i thought i could adapt to.....

nothing can be worse than not having more time

more time to be with this child i love deeply

gender is truly irrelevant in that realm....
could i bear to have said a last goodbye
any better if the child were male rather than female?

while difficult, while certainly with its unique type
of heartache and saddness, while it might alter dreams
and hopes, the fact remains that this process is not a
death sentence and as long as there is life, there is hope.....
hope for understanding, hope for acceptance, hope for inclusion....

i believe to my core, i KNOW in my mother's heart, that should
my child realize that health and happiness lies in living life
as a man, then my hopes and dreams for him will echo that reality....


undoubtedly everyone's perspective is seasoned by their own experience...
this happens to be mine....

Hizmom!

I so dearly wish I had a mother like you when I was growing up!  You are a jewel!

If he hasn't signed up already, have him come here.  Even with as much support as you have given him, having the ability to communicate with others like himself may help both of you through the transition.

Also, realize it is a transition for both of you.  You are so wonderfully accepting and understanding of how being wrong bodied is a torment.  And standing with him through the trials that transition will bring will strengthen the bond between you for the rest of your lives.  But it will change and challenge both of you. 

In addition to the various groups that have been mentioned here, see if there is a mentoring program he can sign up with.  Having someone to talk to about the changes that he will be going through can be very helpful.  And of course a therapist will be required if he decides that he wishes to pursue HRT and/or surgery.

Your vision for your child is so refreshingly loving!  My heart goes out to both of you!

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.

-Sandy

Quote from: TamTam on August 01, 2008, 11:31:08 PM
Sasha,

Why do you find it hard to accept it? :) What bothers you about it?

TamTam,
I find everything about it dificult to accept. All of the hopes and dreams that a mother has for her children have been wiped out in one instant. I will never see my daughter walk down the isle in the arm of her father. I will never have grandchildren (she is very adamant about that subject) Basically she is asking me to bury my daughter in order to accept this new person whom I did not ask for, nor understand. I want to understand, but I always come back to the same question... "if your mind is telling you one thing and your body is reflecting another, wouldn't it be easier to fix your mind and not butcher your body?" I don't mean to disrespect anyone on this site, please understand that I am in hell here. I don't know what the future holds for us, I hope therapy wil help me understand this better. Thanks for listening and any advice you can give me.

Sasha

Quote from: Sasha2 on August 06, 2008, 02:59:13 PM

Quote from: TamTam on August 01, 2008, 11:31:08 PM
Sasha,

Why do you find it hard to accept it? :) What bothers you about it?

TamTam,
I find everything about it dificult to accept. All of the hopes and dreams that a mother has for her children have been wiped out in one instant. I will never see my daughter walk down the isle in the arm of her father. I will never have grandchildren (she is very adamant about that subject) Basically she is asking me to bury my daughter in order to accept this new person whom I did not ask for, nor understand. I want to understand, but I always come back to the same question... "if your mind is telling you one thing and your body is reflecting another, wouldn't it be easier to fix your mind and not butcher your body?" I don't mean to disrespect anyone on this site, please understand that I am in hell here. I don't know what the future holds for us, I hope therapy wil help me understand this better. Thanks for listening and any advice you can give me.

Sasha

Hello Sasha,

My parents went through the same struggles as you are going through right now. They told me they felt like they were losing their son (I'm MtF by the way) and that their hopes and dreams of me becoming a husband and giving them grandchildren were now gone. What they didn't realize was that none of it is gone, it is only altered slightly. Instead of me being the husband, I'll be the wife. Instead of me being able to father children, I'll be able to mother them. Everything they wanted for me is not gone, it's just going to be a different story now. The only thing that is different is the happiness I will feel in this story as opposed to the original one.

It may seem on the outside just a matter of "thinking" it away. Changing the mind, however, is more difficult than anything. Usually that's something we've already tried to do, and it always fails one way or another, either in us accepting it and transitioning, or it consuming us. Aside from the difficulty (or impossibility) of changing ones mind, I then pose the question...why would you want your child to change their mind? Their mind is who they are. It is what makes them loving, funny, aggravated, spiritual, and all of the above. It is the essence of their being. To change your mind is to change yourself. I would hope that you do not want that for your child. I see the heartache it's causing you and I can understand how tough it must be, but I also see you coming to this site and asking for help, posing questions, and that makes me feel good. You are starting this in the right direction, and that is to attempt to accept this, and hopefully one day understand it.

Try to understand that we don't want this just as much as you don't. We've usually grown up and had to hide ourselves from the world because we can't bear the thought of breaking other people's hearts and their dreams. We feel like we have to condemn ourselves to a life of prison within our minds just so we can appease the stereotypical image forced upon us. Your child has most likely felt the pain I've described. It's now up to you to try and be there for him and show him that you still love him...unconditionally.

I wish you the best in this difficult time, and I know that with love and compassion you will all make it through.

Take Care,
Sarah

were this any other circumstance

and someone asked you if you could surrender your dreams for your child
in order for them to attain true happiness, do you believe you could do that?


can you not dream new dreams, based on what your child desires their life to be?
i sincerely believe that you will move beyond this shock and pain
to see that your heart wants your child to be happy.....

Quote from: hizmom on August 06, 2008, 05:36:30 PM
were this any other circumstance

and someone asked you if you could surrender your dreams for your child
in order for them to attain true happiness, do you believe you could do that?


can you not dream new dreams, based on what your child desires their life to be?
i sincerely believe that you will move beyond this shock and pain
to see that your heart wants your child to be happy.....

Very eloquently spoken.

Quote from: Sasha2 on August 06, 2008, 02:59:13 PM

I find everything about it dificult to accept. All of the hopes and dreams that a mother has for her children have been wiped out in one instant. I will never see my daughter walk down the isle in the arm of her father. I will never have grandchildren (she is very adamant about that subject) Basically she is asking me to bury my daughter in order to accept this new person whom I did not ask for, nor understand. I want to understand, but I always come back to the same question... "if your mind is telling you one thing and your body is reflecting another, wouldn't it be easier to fix your mind and not butcher your body?" I don't mean to disrespect anyone on this site, please understand that I am in hell here. I don't know what the future holds for us, I hope therapy wil help me understand this better. Thanks for listening and any advice you can give me.

Sasha

Sasha, I may be wandering in a little late on this topic, but I'd like to help if I can.

My situation isn't quite like yours, as I'm not a parent. However, I am a partner to Dani, who is MtF (male to female) and a lot of the issues are similar.

Transition is difficult for both the trans person and anyone who loves them. You see, you are in a state of transition too, and as someone told me you don't have the benefit of living with the trans feelings for however many years. So as SO's we have some catching up to do. It can be done though. Your post reflects your hurt and that's what moved me to reply.

You're angry, upset, confused, sad..the list could go on, but you're also *normal*. It's a big shock and a whole riot of feelings gets set loose. But you're also strong. It took strength to post how you're feeling. I applaud you for being honest. Honesty is very key in the transition process; communication is the other key. You aren't alone. You're doing great by reaching out to others and trying to understand. Education helps defeat fear by eliminating ignorance. Find out all you can about FtM's and teenagers who have transitioned. Your son has chosen a therapist, perhaps you could see if that therapist will also help you. If not, look for a therapist who specializes in gender issues and will help parents. Also talk to your son. It's going to be scary and stressful the first time, but keep the lines of communication open. This is also a scary time for him too. He's probably afraid of losing you as well.

It's also OK to cry. Cry all you need to. You may be amazed at how much it helps. I cried a great deal when Dani told me she wanted to transition (both times!) I cried making my first post here. I cried writing up my blog posts about transition. Crying is part of the grieving process. I like to think of it as washing away all of the sadness and hurt. It leaves a space behind which allows you room to think and deal with whatever is bothering you. Also, you don't need to accept your son's transition all at once! It's an awfully big lump to swallow all at once. Do it in small increments. Take one thing at a time that upsets you about your son's transition and figure out why! And be honest with yourself too. If you aren't, you won't make progress. I was very threatened at the beginning because I felt that Dani would make a "better" woman that I did. Until I realized that there was no such thing as a "better" woman. Perhaps part of you feels like you failed as a parent? If so, I don't think you've failed yet!

You may also want to try writing out your feelings. My goodness I could not believe how much better I felt typing up what I have so far. I went through a lot of tissues, but it was amazing how much more at peace I felt with myself. And I haven't even posted them anywhere. Typing up how you're feeling can also help you see how far you've progressed and perhaps help isolate what's bothering you. I know I found another "reason" for me while doing so.

As for having your son change his mind instead of his body, as Dani said, "if it was as easy as that, I'd have done it a long time ago." One of the things that Dani has done which has helped me tremendously is that she is willing to take things slowly, so I can accept the changes that will happen. Perhaps asking your son to take things one step at a time will help you as well. As SO's we're kind of along for the ride as ultimately transition is about the trans person. But being along for the ride, doesn't mean we're totally out of control. After all, we can always ask to stop and smell the roses while on the ride :)

Please don't disappear! Come back and talk with us too. We want to help!

WR