Susan's Place Transgender Resources

A feeling of overwhelming hopelessness hit me several hours ago, and I've been trying to sort through it alone, but I've come to the conclusion that I can't. I have to live at home for another three weeks until I can head off to college, and while it doesn't seem long, I know it's going to be awful. My parents make me wear 'real' bras, with underwire and all that..."sports bras are not allowed unless you're playing sports" says my dad. So now I wear my Underworks binder rolled up or down until I'm out of their sight and can fix it. Unless I'm out with them, and then I have to suffer the humiliation. I'm a large B/small C cup, so it's VERY obvious. They also make it a point to use my birth name more often now. My mom had begun calling me by my initials, but my dad convinced her to be on his side instead of mine. My dad says he'll support me once I'm old enough, but then I hear him saying that "choosing your gender is the stupidest s***" he's ever heard. I just need some comfort, badly..

Posted on: July 30, 2008, 02:30:33 AM

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I pass almost 100% without speaking, and about 70% when I do. I've been feeling so comfortably male lately, and it hurts to have people trying to squash it out of me. Especially when they're saying it's for my own good, because I'm not old enough to have any clue. To them, I was "brainwashed" into believing I was FtM. I get trans guys telling me I look 100% cisgendered-male in pics I post, and then I have to go out to dinner or shopping with parents in this hideous girl costume. It's just grotesque.

I can imagine how frustrating that must be, GR. It is a major pain-in-the-butt when your parents and other loved ones do not find a way to understand. I hope it gets better for you soon. :icon_hug:

Nichole

I really feel for you Hon but hang in there - three weeks isn't too bad.

I lived at home most of the time until my early 20's and my Mom did everything in her power to suppress my 'gender expression', some of it REALLY cruel so I know how much of a relief it will be getting away to college.

Try getting out as much as possible, among your friends, or even just out to a park so you can get your mind off it.

your dad's choosing your bras? um... alrighty then.

Thanks Nichole and NJ. It should get better soon, I'm just afraid they'll find some ridiculous, invasive way to keep influencing my, um...clothing choices, after these three weeks are up. And Nero...yeah, it's creepy and makes me uncomfortable that he's always glancing at my chest now to make sure I'm not binding. His reasoning, though, is that he thinks binding is bad for me, and that I'm going to hurt myself or do permanent damage. And if I bind anyway, I have to worry about them refusing to pay for my education. Or at the very least, my dad yelling at me about how I'm "selfish, and going against nature."

wow yeah that's scary, dude. wish i had some advice but looks like your stuck if they're monitoring you that closely and you need them to pay for school.  :-\

I'm sorry to hear that this is happening to you. I know it's summer now and school might seem like a long way off but...can you find out if there's any support groups in your area? Any GLBT clubs at school? Without my friends in those areas, I would never have been as brave as I am now, and they might help you keep your sanity (not that you're crazy, it's just a great help to have friends and supporters who understand what you're going through).

Trapthavok...once I'm at school, I'll be joining a GLBT group. It'll probably be mostly GLB. That's alright, though. In addition to being trans, I'm also bi, leaning toward gay, so getting support on those grounds will be cool too. As for FtM support groups, the one nearest me seems to be inactive, and once I'm off at school, it'll be 45 minutes away anyway.

Quote from: gravitysrainbow on July 30, 2008, 11:18:44 AM
Trapthavok...once I'm at school, I'll be joining a GLBT group. It'll probably be mostly GLB. That's alright, though. In addition to being trans, I'm also bi, leaning toward gay, so getting support on those grounds will be cool too. As for FtM support groups, the one nearest me seems to be inactive, and once I'm off at school, it'll be 45 minutes away anyway.

I'm sure there's a support group somewhere near you (hopefully?) You don't have to find FtMs specifically, you can try just a GLBT support in general... I go to one 45 minutes away from me because it meets every week. I don't know if any of the trans support groups down here still meet, but the one I go to is GLBT. I thought I'd be the only T too, until I went yesterday (after not having been there for a month) and met an FtM. I told the group I was going to have to come to my parents soon and they were very nice about it, suggested I read them my letter next time and tried to offer ways they could help. Although it was my first time meeting the FtM, he gave me his number and offered to be there with me when I come out to them.

You'd be surprised who you can meet at a GLBT support group, and how helpful they are even if they're not trans themselves. The Gays and Lesbians there were jumping with ideas to try and help me. Don't discount them just because you may or may not identify with them. School is a ways away, I suggest you try to find a GLBT group to help you until then :) 

That sucks.  I realized I was transgender after left family's at least.  Though as pushy as my father was towards me being a girl, I was lucky. 

And ironically this is closest Trangender support group have come to, except for the GLBT group met at the last convention.  They were mostly the GLB though.  They seemed to think I was lesbian or something, rather than understanding that am a Pre-RLE Transman.

There is several groups nearby, but can never get to them with my scedule

I know your parents are driving you nuts, and I'm not trying to make light of your parents' madness. But maybe this will get you to crack a smile for thirty seconds: think of it as doing a drag show for charity.  :)

I'm sending hang-in-there vibes to you. You can do it. I promise.

I wanted to thank everyone again for the kind words and advice. I've been wearing eyeliner and pink eyeshadow lately, along with 'emo' sortof clothes, which makes my amazing boyfriend tell me I look really hot (he sees me as male almost 100% of the time), and because my dad doesn't understand the whole emo thing, it makes him happy. He doesn't understand that these clothes, with the makeup, actually help me pass better. I went to Walmart today with my boyfriend, not binding at that moment because we stopped there on the way home, and the clerk STILL called us 'fellas'! It was amazing. I had a thick black jacket on, zipped, but my chest looked obvious to me. Real self esteem booster. -grin-

Quote from: Arch on August 02, 2008, 12:29:33 AM
But maybe this will get you to crack a smile for thirty seconds: think of it as doing a drag show for charity.  :)

Or a drag show for his parent's money.

Not to sound all mean or anything, but if your parents are pushy totalitarians, you might as well try to get something usefull out of the relationship.  And if they are offering you money to pretend to be female, you might as well make a show of it.

Think of it this way.  You won't always be your parent's "property" as it were.  Once you get a career and start working for yourself, you will never have to see them again if you don't want to.  You will be able to do whatever the hell you want.  Good riddance to bad rubbish, I always say.

Also, congrats on the emo clothes.  Scene stuff is cool.  Try to find some good androgynous clothes that aren't too obvious.  Your dad probably won't know the difference.

Quote from: VeryGnawty on August 12, 2008, 06:40:16 AM
Or a drag show for his parent's money.

Not to sound all mean or anything, but if your parents are pushy totalitarians, you might as well try to get something usefull out of the relationship.  And if they are offering you money to pretend to be female, you might as well make a show of it.

LOL--either way, it's a drag. I like the idea of doing a complete emo makeover and passing it off as a girlish look. Smart.

Grav, it sounds like you are in a decent situation in some ways. Your folks will still pay for college. When you go back to school, you can dress any way you want to (they won't be making any surprise visits, will they?). But I'm wondering how long you can keep this up in the long term. How long will it take for you to get that diploma, and how many more summers at home will you face? Can you escape your parents next summer by going to summer school or getting a job in your college town, or both? Do you plan to transition while in college? What then?

I hate to ask such questions when you are probably just playing it by ear at the moment, but I'm one of those idiots who are always looking ahead and trying to make a plan. Not that I'm able to apply this wonderful skill to my own life, mind you...

Quote from: Arch on August 12, 2008, 01:32:40 PM
LOL--either way, it's a drag. I like the idea of doing a complete emo makeover and passing it off as a girlish look. Smart.

It's very smart.  The scene tends to be much less concerned with gender than the older generation, so it is much easier to blend in.  It's a good place to experiment without many repurcussions.

QuoteHow long will it take for you to get that diploma, and how many more summers at home will you face?

In my opinion, don't spend summers at home if your parents are that pushy.  Make THEM visit you.  Just find a job and work your butt off.  It's the best excuse for not visiting friends and relatives.  If they ask, just tell them you have work to do.  And with a job and school, there is plenty of work to do.

Working while in school will also help out with the money situation, which you will most certainly need, especially if you intend to transition in the future.

I'm planning on getting a job next summer, and also taking at least one class, which will allow me to keep living on-campus.  The excuse will be, "I'm working to get money so you guys don't have to pay for all of my stuff, and I'm taking this class so I can get one more requirement out of the way and finish sooner."  Also, I'm going to apply for a ton of scholarships, and I hope to get enough that I can go somewhere out of state, and support myself.  Preferably somewhere with more resources, more tolerance, and less parents.  :laugh:

I plan to begin transition as soon as I'm no longer in need of my parents' money.  If there were a way to change my name without my parents having to know (and I'd imagine stuff like banks and insurance companies would have to be informed of a name change, and my mom has access to my bank account, and I get my insurance through her work), I'd have done it already.  See?  I do think ahead, sometimes too much.

Quote from: gravitysrainbow on August 13, 2008, 11:40:17 AM
See?  I do think ahead, sometimes too much.

Never too much. Some parents will fight you tooth and nail, and you have to think of everything. I did when I arranged to split from my parents. I got a job, of course. I bought my car from them--if they hadn't suggested it, I would have. I opened my own bank account, one that my parents couldn't touch. I knew that when I moved, I would be dropping out of school, so I was prepared for that. And so on.

I had an acquaintance who tried to move away from her father, but she didn't start a new bank account. All of her money was tied up in a joint account, and he promptly took control of all her funds to prevent her leaving.

I had mixed feelings about her situation. On the one hand, I was pissed at her father for being such a bastard. On the other hand, his excuse was that she wasn't ready to live on her own. I partly agreed--after all, money equals independence, and she hadn't even taken the precaution of putting her money in a safe place. I reasoned that if she wasn't capable of seeing what a danger that joint account was, then maybe she shouldn't be on her own just yet.

It's better to take precautions that you wind up not needing than it is to get caught with your pants down.

Quote from: gravitysrainbow on July 30, 2008, 02:36:53 AM
My dad says he'll support me once I'm old enough, but then I hear him saying that "choosing your gender is the stupidest s***" he's ever heard...

...Especially when they're saying it's for my own good, because I'm not old enough to have any clue. To them, I was "brainwashed" into believing I was FtM.

Yeah, these are two things that've happened to me.  My dad's been the difficult one so far.  He first said that I wasn't old enough to know that this was what I wanted (I came out to him at age 21).  I was sent to a gender therapist (the closest one, 4 hours a way) for an 'initial examination'--basically a several-hour session with the therapist talking about my history & why I think I'm male followed by a test to make sure I wasn't schizophrenic or something.  So after her conclusion that I was 'very likely transsexual,' my dad flip-flopped and said that I manipulated the therapist into saying that.  That I had been brainwashed into thinking I was male and was now brainwashing everyone around me into thinking that as well.  He said that I was 'very smart, too smart for us' (meaning himself and my mom, along with the therapist); when he said that, he looked scared like a cornered animal. 

He later said that the therapist was a quack; he and my mom had sent me there in hopes she would talk some 'sense' into me, not back me up.  They also garnered the conviction that after I had sense talked into me, I would promptly start wearing makeup and dresses, ditch the tight sports bras for something more flattering, and finally act like a girl.  Because apparently being told that I truly am a feminine female would suddenly flip a switch in my brain that would reverse my masculine behavior of the past 20-odd years. Duuude *facepalm*

Parents can be pretty illogical (if it isn't bigotry, I think it's at least their emotions getting in the way).  And that's jacked up about your dad picking out bras for you...  Mine didn't go that far, although my mom tried to.  Good idea for thinking ahead on how to remove yourself from parental dependence.  I've not been given reason to believe that they will 'seize my assets' just yet.  But one of the names on that joint bank account of mine is getting severed as soon as I begin transition in earnest... and it's not gonna be mine.  I could see my parents, dad especially, panicking and cutting off where I'll be getting my T-money from :P

Anyways, hang in there--way less than 3 weeks to go.  I'll be hanging in there with ya; I'm currently back at my parents place for 2 weeks before fall semester begins (I have a place of my own, but I'm trying to make nice--apparently they like me around, even if I did come home 'looking like their son,' lol).

Hey Michael,

I don't really have words of wisdom for you but I wanted to let you know I have read your post and am thinking of you while you are in such a tough place.
As others, I find it a tad creepy that your dad is making sure you are wearing a "normal" bra. I understand that he finds the situation strange, and that he perhaps wants to regain some control over you, but this is an odd way to do that.

It's not too long until your school starts, I hope that you can wait it out that long.

Take care,
PolarBear

Moving in tomorrow! That, plus knowing that you guys are here for me if things aren't quite as amazing as I think they're going to be, is making me feel a ton better. My professors seem really accepting. Now I have to hope for the best with other students, especially the handful who I went to highschool with that still see me as a girl. Wish me luck!

Luck!  :icon_walk: