Susan's Place Transgender Resources

After my name change I have realized that can not live full time because our family is so close to conservative grandparents. I would like to come out. My mother says that my ''lifestyle choice'' can not destroy their dignity. They are both over 80-years and conservatives.

Which is worse for their dignity?  Telling them and then living full time?  Or having them find out from the rumor mill that you now have a female name?

Val

The first.
They do not hear much rumors. And my grandmother laughed when she saw paper with my female name.
She said: Do not tell us anything about that!

Posted on: August 30, 2008, 06:31:13 PM

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I am losing my mental health. My therapist say I should live completely female. My mother has forbidden strongly coming out to them. It is a difficult situation and I cannot see way out.

Posted on: August 30, 2008, 06:41:23 PM

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And yes. I have at least 3 mild suicide attemps. There seem to be no way out.

Wait, they read a paper with your name... but you're not coming out to them???

Yes, my grandmother saw the paper. She said: I am old and your grandfather will never accept it. Please leave us outside this. And then she had acted like she had never read the paper.

That's as good as coming out.  She knows what's up.  It's her choice to deny she ever saw something or to not accept you in general.  It's a choice most wouldn't agree with, but it's hers to make.

I agree with Mister - that's almost as good as coming out.  She knows about the name change.  She knows something is up.  But I also understand that going full time would mean you never see them again. 

So maybe they never see or talk to you again.  They won't see you again for certain if you commit suicide.

Val

Well my grandmother is very conservative and my grandfather is very liberal, its an interesting household.  I decided that I needed to live for myself, and if anyone around me cannot handle that I am a happier person then that is their problem.

It was rough at first when I came out, my grandmother wasn't happy about it and didn't want to talk about it.  I would dress more andro in front of her at that time.  Then when I was getting close to being full time she had to confront the fact that I would be coming over as Gabrielle and a woman.  One day she was in the hospital and I come over on my lunch break from work (I was full time) and at first she nor my grandfather recognized me as I first walked in.  She thought I looked real nice.

I guess the real question is do you want to put your transition on hold while you wait for your grandparents and anyone else in your family dies since you cannot come out to them.

Quote from: Secretgirl on August 31, 2008, 12:39:33 AM
Yes, my grandmother saw the paper. She said: I am old and your grandfather will never accept it. Please leave us outside this. And then she had acted like she had never read the paper.

Then they know. Be yourself, dress how you wish, and when they use the inappropriate pronouns and name, simply (and kindly correct them). I believe that's all any of us want anyways, is to be respected in our gender.

My grandparents are not the most negative. I think that the most negative family member is my little sister. 22 years-old student. She has said a lot of antitrans things to me.

Quote from: Secretgirl on August 30, 2008, 05:10:01 PM
After my name change I have realized that can not live full time because our family is so close to conservative grandparents. I would like to come out. My mother says that my ''lifestyle choice'' can not destroy their dignity. They are both over 80-years and conservatives.

You made your choice. Don't blame the grandfolks or your mother. You mother is right -- your lifestyle choice cannot harm their dignity (only they can do that to themselves, and nothing you do can affect it).

You have a life to live. Grandparents have a life to live. You can't live theirs and they can't live yours.

Some transsexuals live on the borderline and have a "lifestyle choice", but others have no choice other than to live who they are. If you are borderline, then you can deny the urges, but if you are past the borderline then you need to get on with your own life and let gramps get on with theirs.

I was not clear. My mother says it harms their dignity. And very much.

Quote from: Secretgirl on September 08, 2008, 04:04:22 AM
I was not clear. My mother says it harms their dignity. And very much.

You were clear, dear. I understood you to mean that "My mother says that my ''lifestyle choice'' can not destroy their dignity" was intended to say "Mom says that my lifestyle choice must not be allowed to destroy their dignity". I answered as I understood you.

Dignity is a possession of an individual. Your gramps have their own dignity independent of whatever you do, the same as you have your dignity regardless of whatever lifestyle choices they make. It doesn't rub off, not contagious.

It's nice that you have compassion for the feelings of your mom and her parents, but save some for yourself, girl. Just as you expect that your mom and her parents are truthful on important matters to you, you owe them the same. Deception about yourself does them no good nor is it good for you.

If you need to, put some space and distance between you all.

There are certain fundamentally private matters that neither parents nor grandparents have any intrinsic rights over. You may choose to grant them limited permissions, so far as they are not abusive of the privileges, to have input into your "lifestyle choices", but they have no "control" over your ultimately private decisions.

They ought to be told that fact of life, which is more important than whether you are a girl or boy -- it doesn't matter which you are so long as you are in control of your life.

This is not over controlling your gender, but all about bullying control over ownership of your mind. WHO owns your mind and your choices, you, or them?

Their dignity is not the issue -- their bullying is.

Hurting them is not the issue -- their insensitivity to the pain they are inflicting on you is the issue.

If you have to stop seeing them for a year to get clarity of your own, then so be it. If you have to stop seeing them for the rest of your life, so be it. They need to live their own lives, not vicariously through you. You can't carry them around for the rest of your life. You have had enough unhappiness, girl. Now it's time to stop living for others and live your own life.

If you are a T-Girl inside you will hear what I am saying...

... and if you are not a T-Girl than I just freed you to go apologize and say how you almost made some dumb mistakes but you were saved by their concerns over you.

I heard your mom speak through you the first time. You need to hear what I said in reply. Are you on the borderline, with a choice, or are you over the line into girl territory with no choice about this fact of nature? I can explain things over a long period of time, but I can also put you on the spot to ask yourself which it is and feel your gut answer speaking back to you. By the time you get to this sentence YOU already know your answer, and I don't need to know which it is, but you need to acknowledge it as true for you. Whatever you choose, I, at least, will support your right to be in control and make your choice  for yourself. Too bad mom is such a hard case, because there are very special mother-daughter bonds that she is depriving herself of.

Good luck, girl. You came to a M2F forum, remember, and other people here have a right to respect that choice that you voluntarily made and treat it as authentic. Until you tell me otherwise, you are over the line in girl territory and all I have to say about that is welcome to the sisterhood.