Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm a little concerned for my mom. She finally brought up my trans-situation for the first time in 2 weeks, when I came out to her.

I'm SO glad she's still willing to talk about it. The downside is that she's still in her grieving phase, so she still sees me as her daughter, and hopes that I will turn out to be a lesbian because "she can deal with me being gay."

I know these things take time, so I've given her her space and offered my books whenever she's ready.

The only thing is she said she's been doing some research about transmen and of course...she ran across SRS info. She's really worried now because she thinks that I'm going to go out and do that. She thinks having a mastectomy would be a horrible mutilation of my body, especially since she still sees me as her little girl. I think she's trying to understand but it's hard for her.

I'm totally ok with her being in the grieving phase, especially since she's trying at least and also because she keeps reiterating that she'll still love me no matter what.

My only thing is, I tried to tell her I'm not ready for SRS at this point in my life, I'm still not sure it's what I want 100% but because I told her that she said, "so you HAVE been thinking about it." She keeps judging me based on my past behavior, which involved me THINKING about doing something for all of 2 minutes then going out and DOING it. I feel like she really needs to re-learn her son because I'm not that person anymore. Thinking honestly means thinking now, not doing.

Anyway the main reason I'm worried about her is because she's been doing this research [I had no idea she was doing this at all] and I don't want her to come across bad information and become convinced that it applies to me. I want to help guide her by finding people for her to talk to if she wants, and all that jazz...It's totally cool that she's been researching but what if she runs across phalloplasty info? She'll just assume that I want it, and I really don't!!

Gah idk what to do.

Although my mom loves and supports me 1000000%, I know sometimes, even 9years after living full-time as a male, it's hard for her to accept she has 2 sons. She was the one who helped ME figure out who I was. She started researching when I was 11-12 years old, because she knew I wasn't a normal "girl". She always let me pick out my own clothes, and says she knew when I was 4 years old something wasn't "right". I don't think it will ever just be easy for her to just let go of the fact she will never have a daughter, but she's going to love me just the same.
If your mother was up to it, I know mine would be more than happy to talk to her, and help her understand from a mothers perspective. She sounds like she's trying to get it, give her time.

My mom can't get past the mastectomy thing either.  I told her that women get boob jobs all the time to make them bigger, and no one blinks.  And another subset get breast reductions and no one blinks.  I told her to think of this as nothing more than a boob job, which it is.  Only when I'm done it will be a chest with male contouring, and no boobs in a bra.

She thinks it's horrific, still.  I might have mentioned in another post that my mom is overly attached to her womanly parts (boobs and uterus) and thinks all women are.  Maybe most women are, but then, I'm not a woman.  She's not really getting that yet.

Jay

Quote from: GQjoey on September 01, 2008, 03:48:14 PM
If your mother was up to it, I know mine would be more than happy to talk to her, and help her understand from a mothers perspective. She sounds like she's trying to get it, give her time.

Yeah I'm giving her a LOT of space with this situation, and trying to let her come around on HER terms, not mine. I know me, I'm ok with me, she just needs to be ok so I understand she needs her space. Needless to say I'm not going to stop being me, I just want her to have the time she needs to come around.

Thanks for the offer, that would probably be of great help when she gets to that stage in the parent's perspective. I will probably PM you about it whenever she is ok with it, but she said it's still too early for her to talk to anyone about it except for a therapist.

Quote from: sneakersjay on September 01, 2008, 03:48:39 PM
My mom can't get past the mastectomy thing either.  I told her that women get boob jobs all the time to make them bigger, and no one blinks.  And another subset get breast reductions and no one blinks.  I told her to think of this as nothing more than a boob job, which it is.  Only when I'm done it will be a chest with male contouring, and no boobs in a bra.

She thinks it's horrific, still.  I might have mentioned in another post that my mom is overly attached to her womanly parts (boobs and uterus) and thinks all women are.  Maybe most women are, but then, I'm not a woman.  She's not really getting that yet.

Jay

I remember you posting about that in a different thread. Congrats on the mastectomy bro  ;D I wouldn't say my mom is in love with her girl parts but she's of the opinion that "there's nothing wrong with them." With the exception of removing them. That's just mutilation. Maybe they can understand someday but today's not the day :)

My mom and I talked on the phone yesterday. I pretty much told her that we can expect me to transition soon. She didn't like the idea, but reluctantly accepts it. She said she wants me to do what's right for me, and she still loves me. She isn't supportive of me being male, but she is supportive of me being happy. Because of this, she's given up the fight.

My mom said the same thing before. "I'd rather you be a lesbian than be a man." But I told her that my gender identity had nothing to do with my sexuality. In fact, at the time, I only liked men. Now I am very uncomfortable around biomales. It makes my dysphoria very prevalent and I freak out. I am hoping that Dr. Demara can help me sort this out.

SRS also concerns my mother. She says it's disgusting. She thinks top surgery is disgusting as well. She doesn't like hormones because I'm sticking synthetic chemicals into my body. She's the kind of woman who doesn't like aspirin because it's made in a lab. I've learned to ignore her extremism, and if I go as far as phalloplasty, that's my decision. My mother also said that a mastectomy is a massive mutilation of my body. I told her that keeping my breasts is a massive mutilation of my mind.

My mom's grieving will return full force the first time she sees me after T. She'll see the vast changes... might not even recognize me at the airport... the whole situation is scary. I'm also very worried about telling her about my new name... which I hope to make legal sometime soon...

When I tell my mother I've been thinking about it, she says, "Well, think about it more." I have to tell her that my thinking will never be enough for her, and when it's my time, she still won't think I'm ready. She thinks that no person can ever be truly ready to change their sex. I figure the more I hesitate, the more likely I am to hesitate even more. I have to make a decision while my instincts are strong and my hope is up.

If your mom thinks you want phallo, explain to her than not all guys go through the "full" process and that you don't want to.

Well maybe it would help if you did your own research to find good sites your mom can go to. I don't know, maybe if she goes to another transman's homepage, one that keeps record and photo's of thier transition, she'd become more used to the idea. But then again, I don't know you're mom and how'd she react to such stuff. It's up to you I guess.

Quote from: Elwood on September 01, 2008, 04:58:34 PM
My mom said the same thing before. "I'd rather you be a lesbian than be a man." But I told her that my gender identity had nothing to do with my sexuality. In fact, at the time, I only liked men. Now I am very uncomfortable around biomales. It makes my dysphoria very prevalent and I freak out. I am hoping that Dr. Demara can help me sort this out.

I think this is going to be a very hard struggle for parents, trying to separate sexuality from gender in a way that they may understand the difference. Good luck with Dr. Demara by the way, I hope he can help you with that too.

Quote from: Elwood on September 01, 2008, 04:58:34 PMtold her that keeping my breasts is a massive mutilation of my mind.

Hahaha excellent comeback.

Quote from: Adam on September 01, 2008, 07:33:18 PM
Well maybe it would help if you did your own research to find good sites your mom can go to. I don't know, maybe if she goes to another transman's homepage, one that keeps record and photo's of thier transition, she'd become more used to the idea. But then again, I don't know you're mom and how'd she react to such stuff. It's up to you I guess.

Yes, I started researching immediately after she said she was researching. Hard to find sites I like though because at first I was just looking for parents of transgender forums to give her people to talk to maybe. I don't want to scare her with SRS photos just yet, but maybe I'll find some sites about RLE because I'm definitely headed toward it. I won't be living at home next semester, but I WILL go full time male in January I hope. I thought I was taking things slow by not going to school as male this semester, but things are just more painful for me than anything. I'd rather just be me 24/7. Can't wait for the legal name change either, it can't come soon enough.

Quote from: trapthavok on September 01, 2008, 09:56:45 PM

Quote from: Elwood on September 01, 2008, 04:58:34 PMMy mom said the same thing before. "I'd rather you be a lesbian than be a man." But I told her that my gender identity had nothing to do with my sexuality. In fact, at the time, I only liked men. Now I am very uncomfortable around biomales. It makes my dysphoria very prevalent and I freak out. I am hoping that Dr. Demara can help me sort this out.

I think this is going to be a very hard struggle for parents, trying to separate sexuality from gender in a way that they may understand the difference. Good luck with Dr. Demara by the way, I hope he can help you with that too.

Thanks.
Yeah, mom doesn't quite get it. I can't "decide to be a lesbian" and "give up" my manhood. It's always gonna be there. Sometimes I desperately wish it wasn't. Today I was just aching to be a girl. Girls, who have girls bodies, have it so much easier than boys with girl's bodies. But... I felt that burning longing for a male body again... I can't deny that feeling. I can't pretend it isn't there.

Sometimes I wish I could have just been a normal girl too, but when I look at other girls and how they behave I'm like "I don't want to be that". So I'm stuck like this until I can transition.

Re sexuality and gender identity

No one I've met gets it. I came out to my therapist and she said, "So, you like women?"

"No, I'm pansexual; I choose a mate based on personality and not sex or gender."

She kind of looked at me funny and jotted something down.

Then I came out to my stepmom. She had questions, of course, but it surprised me when she asked me the same thing. I explained again, this time adding, "My sexuality didn't change just because I'm transsexual--I'm still a flaming homo." This question from her surprised me; as a lesbian living with a transwoman (my mom), I figured she'd get it. Maybe she thinks it's different for FtMs or something. I don't know.

Quote from: Adam on September 01, 2008, 10:19:35 PMSometimes I wish I could have just been a normal girl too, but when I look at other girls and how they behave I'm like "I don't want to be that". So I'm stuck like this until I can transition.

I'd be a tomboy, still. A bad ass girl who drinks and punches people in the face and stuff. But the body identity... too powerful to ignore.

Quote from: Elwood on September 01, 2008, 10:23:22 PM

Quote from: Adam on September 01, 2008, 10:19:35 PMSometimes I wish I could have just been a normal girl too, but when I look at other girls and how they behave I'm like "I don't want to be that". So I'm stuck like this until I can transition.

I'd be a tomboy, still. A bad ass girl who drinks and punches people in the face and stuff. But the body identity... too powerful to ignore.

I'm to shy right now to actually do that. I hope T will fix my shyness so I can actually make some friends.

Quote from: Elwood on September 01, 2008, 10:23:22 PM

Quote from: Adam on September 01, 2008, 10:19:35 PMSometimes I wish I could have just been a normal girl too, but when I look at other girls and how they behave I'm like "I don't want to be that". So I'm stuck like this until I can transition.

I'd be a tomboy, still. A bad ass girl who drinks and punches people in the face and stuff. But the body identity... too powerful to ignore.

Wow...really? Sometimes I think the opposite. Sometimes I just wish I'd been born with the right parts so mom and I wouldn't have to be having awkward conversations. But I would have been born [birthname minus a at the end] so... I'm glad I wasn't? I'm glad I get to choose my name? I don't know name is such a small price to pay to have been born with boy parts. I agree though, I can't think of anything but identity since I came to terms with being FtM.

Quote from: Yochanan on September 01, 2008, 10:19:46 PM
Re sexuality and gender identity

No one I've met gets it. I came out to my therapist and she said, "So, you like women?"

"No, I'm pansexual; I choose a mate based on personality and not sex or gender."

She kind of looked at me funny and jotted something down.

Then I came out to my stepmom. She had questions, of course, but it surprised me when she asked me the same thing. I explained again, this time adding, "My sexuality didn't change just because I'm transsexual--I'm still a flaming homo." This question from her surprised me; as a lesbian living with a transwoman (my mom), I figured she'd get it. Maybe she thinks it's different for FtMs or something. I don't know.

Wow I would think she would have understood too. Guess we're all in for the long haul. :-\

My mother hoped that I would *think about it* for a very long time.  Thing is, I have.  Much longer than I'd realized.  And at my age, why wait?  If I live as long as my grandparents, I will have lived half my life as a woman and half as a man.  Not many people can say that!  I think it's cool.  And definitely looking forward to BEING MYSELF for the first time ever.

I don't ever do anything without researching ad nauseum.  I think her telling me to *think about it* was her way of wanting me to delay transition.  When I told her I was on T, she wailed, but J****, I thought you were just going to THINK about it!!  And I said, I did, and it's the right thing for me to do. 

The more SHE thinks about it the less she likes it.  But then, she's not me, we're not even alike at all, so she has never understood me and never will.

Jay

kudos to your mom for educating herself, mate!

i would think on the spectrum of parental "reaction"
that has to rank on the side of acceptable outcome!!!

i laugh a bit when i read the "cant you just be a lesbian?"

my son's incremental revelation was on this order
step I .... i think i am bisexual ( age 13)
step II...... i am pretty sure i am a lesbian (age 14)
step III...... i need to be a boy (age 14)

in those moments where it is just too much to
try to sort thru the necessary things that will
make his life better..... sometimes i indulge in the
brief but not unfunny moment of wishing we could go
back to " i am pretty sure i am a lesbian".....
always thinking .... how many parents actually think that?

well now i know it is not unheard of.....
however, i have NEVER said that to my son,
knowing he had agonized internally for untold
months or years to be able to garner the courage to
actually say the words " i need to be a boy"

that is the crux of the matter to me as a mom.....
i have to learn, HAVE TO learn to face MY fears
and doubts and hesitations in a way that supports
my irreplacable child in his immense struggle for
a genuine life....

if you find the parent's handbook for this one,
lemme know the ISBN so i can order it!!

not to highjack your thread, trapt, but to share
the reality that coping is not cut and dried by
any stretch of the imagination, i realized today,
first day back to school as a male for him...
i cannot stop crying

my failing at the moment is my inability to find
the way to connect with him on the emotional level
that lends itself to my more completely knowing his pain....

the pain that makes the pretense less bearable
than the probable consequences of outing himself
in a rural and judgmental community.....
i just havent found the way to face that fully......

Nathaniel, it looks like you need to clarify a few things for your mother--well, you know that, so let me just say DUH for stating the obvious.

Clearly, she needs to know that there's a lot of info on the Internet that isn't accurate and a lot that doesn't apply to you. That you have to jump through some hoops before you can take any action anyway. That you're not so impulsive anymore. In fact, if she automatically assumes that you're going to leap right out and "mutilate" yourself, she's the one who is being impulsive and jumping to conclusions. Et cetera.

So...can you write up another letter to give to her? Perhaps one that includes a reasonable timeline that shows a SLOW progression of events and that indicates that you have every intention of professional consultation/approval at every step? Or would that mess her up more by making things concrete?

I don't think you're going to be able to control her Internet research. You said yourself that it was neat that she was doing it. And she will eventually run across information about phallo. If you act quickly, you might be able to bring it up first and explain that you're not going to run right out and have a penis fashioned. But I don't know that bringing it up first is necessarily the best idea if she's having a hard time now. On the other hand, if she does the research and you've said nothing about it, that could be bad, too.

Okay, maybe a letter with a timeline and a statement at the end that certain changes are all that you're thinking about right now, that you don't currently see yourself going beyond those changes.

You don't want your mother coming to Susan's as a significant other, do you? I mean, it might help her, but it might make you very uncomfortable.

Nate, I think you should strongly consider asking your therapist help you with this, if you haven't already. It's a lot for you to handle, and we at Susan's can only help you so much with other people. And I think it's something you need to at least try to work out before you move. You don't want to leave your mother stewing over graphic Internet photos while you're off living your life and doing (from her perspective) who knows what to yourself.

I think it's a very GOOD sign that she's starting to confront this, by the way. I'm sure it feels like hell, but progress often does.

Hang in there.

Quote from: trapthavok on September 02, 2008, 05:32:39 AM

Quote from: Elwood on September 01, 2008, 10:23:22 PM

Quote from: Adam on September 01, 2008, 10:19:35 PMSometimes I wish I could have just been a normal girl too, but when I look at other girls and how they behave I'm like "I don't want to be that". So I'm stuck like this until I can transition.

I'd be a tomboy, still. A bad ass girl who drinks and punches people in the face and stuff. But the body identity... too powerful to ignore.

Wow...really? Sometimes I think the opposite. Sometimes I just wish I'd been born with the right parts so mom and I wouldn't have to be having awkward conversations. But I would have been born [birthname minus a at the end] so... I'm glad I wasn't? I'm glad I get to choose my name? I don't know name is such a small price to pay to have been born with boy parts. I agree though, I can't think of anything but identity since I came to terms with being FtM.

In the big picture, my name has little importance to me. I'm only changing it now because well, I wasn't born a man and I've gotta transition into one. But if I was a bio male with a stupid name, I'd adopt a nickname. Plus, you can change your legal name for reasons other than transition. They'll usually take "personal reasons" as an explanation.

My transition seems partially driven by personal identity, but mostly by body identity. Being masculine and all of those things CAN be done by a girl, and done well. But my body doesn't agree with that philosophy. My mindset tells me there's more to me than just "feeling like a guy." I feel deprived and cheated that I'm not one. That God or fate or whatever made me exist is playing some bad joke on me. "If I put a boy's brain in a girl's body, what will he do?" I don't know, but it's a cruel, sick joke.

Quote from: Elwood on September 02, 2008, 05:52:47 PM
My mindset tells me there's more to me than just "feeling like a guy." I feel deprived and cheated that I'm not one. That God or fate or whatever made me exist is playing some bad joke on me. "If I put a boy's brain in a girl's body, what will he do?" I don't know, but it's a cruel, sick joke.

The longer I take this journey the more I feel the same way :( I don't personally believe in a god, but sometimes it's convenient for me to lay the blame for the way I came out on something like that. A cruel joke of the cosmos.

Arch, thanks for the great advice. My mom did mention wanting to see a therapist with the whole family over this, namely my old therapist who I REFUSE to see ever since my new therapist is SO much more awesome and understanding. Jeez, she even asked which name I preferred to be called, whereas my old one didn't give a hoot and kept calling me "she" and [birthname] all over the place. I feel as though if my mom is willing to talk about this, we need to talk to someone with experience (my NEW therapist) in these matters. Not going to hold it against my old one really, but my new therapist knows what she's doing when it comes to me. The only thing is, mom said she might want a one-on-one with her first since she's never met her and is more comfortable with my old therapist...I'll double check again with her to see what exactly she wants so we can get it done because I'm glad she's willing to talk about it.

I'm going to postpone the letter for now because she still doesn't know the me that's been living in her house for an entire year. (Is it that she's never had the time or just never bothered?) Just because you know people one way doesn't mean they don't have the capacity for change. Also, I'd be very uncomfortable having her on susan's. I don't need her stumbling across my blogs and freaking out about me potentially being on drugs, let alone all the stuff here in the FTM forum. Anywhere else would be fine by me.

Hizmom, I know where you're coming from and its always good to have the thoughts of a mother regarding another on hand. Haha I'm glad the lesbian thing made you laugh, it still makes me laugh too. I had those phases, "I think I'm bisexual, lesbian. then I'm a boy." My first therapist advised me against coming out to my parents and "rocking the boat while I lived at home" so thankfully I didn't tell them about any of those phases until I hit the boy speedbump. Because in that case, they would still see me as the old me no matter how much I've changed, which I feel is really unfair to me.

Jay, LOL at your mom. Our moms remind me of my friend's mom. She's queer/gay but her mom's still hoping she'll come around and date boys. If she knew about transgender and the fact that there are "worse" things out there, she probably wouldn't be on my friend's back so much with the awkward "so how do two girls have sex" and other various questions that make her daughter uncomfortable.

Quote from: trapthavok on September 02, 2008, 10:55:55 PM

Quote from: Elwood on September 02, 2008, 05:52:47 PMMy mindset tells me there's more to me than just "feeling like a guy." I feel deprived and cheated that I'm not one. That God or fate or whatever made me exist is playing some bad joke on me. "If I put a boy's brain in a girl's body, what will he do?" I don't know, but it's a cruel, sick joke.

The longer I take this journey the more I feel the same way :( I don't personally believe in a god, but sometimes it's convenient for me to lay the blame for the way I came out on something like that. A cruel joke of the cosmos.

Yeah. But we just gotta hang in there... Hope that science will catch up and save our asses. I know they CAN give us FUNCTIONING PENISES. They have the technology! They just refuse to do it for political reasons. I thought we got over this in the 50's/60's, when people thought transition was a cure for gayness. But for some reason it's still a controversy.  :-\

Quote from: Elwood on September 02, 2008, 11:02:27 PM
I thought we got over this in the 50's/60's, when people thought transition was a cure for gayness.

LOL Did they now?! FAIL.

Quote from: trapthavok on September 02, 2008, 11:09:44 PM

Quote from: Elwood on September 02, 2008, 11:02:27 PMI thought we got over this in the 50's/60's, when people thought transition was a cure for gayness.

LOL Did they now?! FAIL.

Yeah. Dumbasses. I think it was Germany that was way into this. But it couldn't have been Hitler 'cos he'd just kill the queers.

Historians on this board: DON'T KILL ME IF I'M WRONG ABOUT THE WHEN/WHO. I'm not a bookworm like you guys are; at least not in the same way.

UGH SO IRRITATING

I can't find my mom a good site to join like Susan's where she can get support and information.... Everything has broken links when I do searches or just doesn't apply to her (like transgendered parents...aka transgenders with kids).

She's not transgendered she needs support to understand her transgendered child, and to know that there are others going through this.......




Personally I'd let her come to Susan's because the people here are so great, but I know I've said a lot of crap here I wouldn't like my mother to know about, and then there's my blog with stuff like DRUGS mentioned in it and she's freaked enough as it is.... This is my comfort zone, and it'd probably be slightly uncomfortable if mom joined...

Quote from: Elwood on September 02, 2008, 11:12:03 PM

Historians on this board: DON'T KILL ME IF I'M WRONG ABOUT THE WHEN/WHO. I'm not a bookworm like you guys are; at least not in the same way.

SERIOUSLY.

Quote from: trapthavok on September 14, 2008, 08:27:22 PM
UGH SO IRRITATING

I can't find my mom a good site to join like Susan's where she can get support and information....

You know, I tried to find other support sites for myself this summer, and I didn't find ANYthing nearly as terrific as Susan's. I suppose that's a testament to the sheer wonderfulness of this place.

I wish I could offer some advice, Nate, but I'm not as "in the know" about stuff like this as other people here would be. I suggest that you start a new thread, maybe on a different forum, and specifically ask people to PM you with suggestions.

If I run across anything, I'll let you know.

I wish my family would look into this stuff!  Right now I'm not handling having to instruct every member of the family on this stuff to well.  Especially since I am still learning myself ironically.

But yeh, understand.  I got asked the same question.  Only in my case with my father, being Trans is just Like being Gay/Lesbian and both are bad to him.  Can't tell him any different either.  Sighs.

Quote from: Arch on September 15, 2008, 02:43:28 AM
You know, I tried to find other support sites for myself this summer, and I didn't find ANYthing nearly as terrific as Susan's. I suppose that's a testament to the sheer wonderfulness of this place.

I wish I could offer some advice, Nate, but I'm not as "in the know" about stuff like this as other people here would be. I suggest that you start a new thread, maybe on a different forum, and specifically ask people to PM you with suggestions.

If I run across anything, I'll let you know.

Bleah....Unfortunately (for me) I think you're right Arch. I've stopped trying to do the "parents of transgender" google searches and instead I just did a transgender forum search. There is nothing out there that is as organized, easy to use, informational, with helpful people as Susan's. (Go Susan's!)

If she came to Susan's it would be much easier for her to use (jesus, she doesn't even know how to text message, or use youtube, let alone a forum). So she needs something that's as organized and simple as this place.


I guess I might have to block my blog off for now and stuff