Community Conversation => Significant Others talk => Topic started by: Katelynne on September 08, 2008, 08:17:52 AM Return to Full Version
Title: problems with intamacy
Post by: Katelynne on September 08, 2008, 08:17:52 AM
Post by: Katelynne on September 08, 2008, 08:17:52 AM
i am not really sure if this belongs in the sexuality group or in this one, but for lack of explicit details and the need for help from people who might be/might have gone through the same thing i am going to put it here.
my SO is into about her fifth month of HRT. she is experiencing great results with breast development and is passing as female to about 95% of people she meets offhandedly in bars, resturants, stores, etc. as is to be expected, she still has a TON of issues with her appearance. i don't mind. i understand how hard this is. i tell her as much as possible that i think she is beautiful.
when we started "hooking up" for lack of a better term, it was right before she started HRT. things were a little awakward but not too bad. for the first couple months, things we alright. recently, she has just started panicing every time we start to get intimate. i understand and respect her boundries and would never imagine pressuring her to do anything that she didn't feel comfortable with. some times she even initiates the contact and then panics and totally shuts down. she feels unattractive and embarassed and that she doesn't know what she's doing. i try to reassure her that things are okay but nothing i say seems to make her feel better. i wouldn't really mind all that much if we just went back to just cuddling and snuggling rather. i would be lying if i said it didn't get a little frustraiting to get turned on and then cut off. i am sure that there is something that triggered this behavior but i don't know how to get her to talk to me or how to reasure her more.
anyone have any advice?
my SO is into about her fifth month of HRT. she is experiencing great results with breast development and is passing as female to about 95% of people she meets offhandedly in bars, resturants, stores, etc. as is to be expected, she still has a TON of issues with her appearance. i don't mind. i understand how hard this is. i tell her as much as possible that i think she is beautiful.
when we started "hooking up" for lack of a better term, it was right before she started HRT. things were a little awakward but not too bad. for the first couple months, things we alright. recently, she has just started panicing every time we start to get intimate. i understand and respect her boundries and would never imagine pressuring her to do anything that she didn't feel comfortable with. some times she even initiates the contact and then panics and totally shuts down. she feels unattractive and embarassed and that she doesn't know what she's doing. i try to reassure her that things are okay but nothing i say seems to make her feel better. i wouldn't really mind all that much if we just went back to just cuddling and snuggling rather. i would be lying if i said it didn't get a little frustraiting to get turned on and then cut off. i am sure that there is something that triggered this behavior but i don't know how to get her to talk to me or how to reasure her more.
anyone have any advice?
Title: Re: problems with intamacy
Post by: Janet_Girl on September 08, 2008, 11:07:40 AM
Post by: Janet_Girl on September 08, 2008, 11:07:40 AM
Having review your previous posts. I take it that your SO is MtF. Intimacy is major problem when we first begin. As a transwoman myself, I have a real issue with 'down there'.
I would be flat out and ask. But you know her better. She might just be afraid that she cant pleasure you, or that some will happen 'down there' that might be really confusing for her. You both need to talk it out and be honest with each other. That is the hard part without hurting one another.
I don't have anyone in my life, so I am speaking just for a hypothetical view point. But I believe in talking it out. My ex would not talk about anything, so eventually we separated. Maybe if she had been more open to talking we would be together even now.
I hope for the best in your lives together.
Janet
I would be flat out and ask. But you know her better. She might just be afraid that she cant pleasure you, or that some will happen 'down there' that might be really confusing for her. You both need to talk it out and be honest with each other. That is the hard part without hurting one another.
I don't have anyone in my life, so I am speaking just for a hypothetical view point. But I believe in talking it out. My ex would not talk about anything, so eventually we separated. Maybe if she had been more open to talking we would be together even now.
I hope for the best in your lives together.
Janet
Title: Re: problems with intamacy
Post by: fae_reborn on September 08, 2008, 11:14:33 AM
Post by: fae_reborn on September 08, 2008, 11:14:33 AM
Just keep trying to encourage and support her Katelynne, it sounds like she has the same issue many of us have with intimacy during our transition. I'm assuming she is pre-op so she probably has body issues with regard to her genitals and being "turned on" when you two get intimate. Just keep reassuring her when that happens, that it's ok that she's turned on and you're there to help her through it. Remind her that she's beautiful, encourage her, and try not to draw attention to what she has "down there." It sounds like you're very patient with and supportive of her which goes a very long way, trust me. She sounds like she's inexperienced; we all are when we first start out being intimate with another. But, I'm sure she wants to be close to you and is just getting frustrated herself.
Just keep being supportive/reassuring when you two get intimate, and keep the lines of communication open like Janet said, and everything else will fall into place.
Jenn
Just keep being supportive/reassuring when you two get intimate, and keep the lines of communication open like Janet said, and everything else will fall into place.
Jenn
Title: Re: problems with intamacy
Post by: lizard on September 09, 2008, 03:08:27 PM
Post by: lizard on September 09, 2008, 03:08:27 PM
Me and my wife have had a fairly strong sexual relationship. (im mtf) I absolutely love being intimate with her... I love pleasing her and etc etc. And stuff still works down there.. and i get turned on and whatnot. But as i get more into transition somethings are bothering me more and more. For me its not so much that i have something unwanted down there (its a part of it) but... I guess for me its the fact that many times being intimate in certain ways makes me feel very male. and thats the part that is hard for me if that makes sense. Its also hard because i know a lot of times, during these moments my wife also sees me as male.
We have had to adjust a bit so she can do things that make me feel female while being intimate. And have actually started experimenting more with different things. and for us there have actually been some toys that have helped.
The biggest thing is we talk about it. I have told her exactly when things bother me, and she has asked and is very open to suggestions about how she can make me feel more comfortable and whatnot.
hope that helps some...
We have had to adjust a bit so she can do things that make me feel female while being intimate. And have actually started experimenting more with different things. and for us there have actually been some toys that have helped.
The biggest thing is we talk about it. I have told her exactly when things bother me, and she has asked and is very open to suggestions about how she can make me feel more comfortable and whatnot.
hope that helps some...
Title: Re: problems with intamacy
Post by: Katelynne on September 09, 2008, 07:04:24 PM
Post by: Katelynne on September 09, 2008, 07:04:24 PM
thanks everyone for your input....i think that you all had really good points and valid suggestions.
i guess i am just going to have to continue along with this and try to talk with her and just hope that things get better.
i mean, i know that she has issues with her body and her self image and i know that it makes her uncomfortable sometimes to be "turned on" like a boy instead of a girl. but i do think that she is beautiful and wonderful and amazing and totally worth dealing with all of this for.
i guess i am just going to have to continue along with this and try to talk with her and just hope that things get better.
i mean, i know that she has issues with her body and her self image and i know that it makes her uncomfortable sometimes to be "turned on" like a boy instead of a girl. but i do think that she is beautiful and wonderful and amazing and totally worth dealing with all of this for.