Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've thought a great deal about my childhood this summer and have been recalling my imaginary friend, who started coming around when I was four or five and who left for good when I was in my teens.

I don't know much about the psychology of imaginary friends, but I thought it would be interesting to see what trans/HBS people have to say about their experiences and how they related to their imaginary friends, especially with regard to gender identity. If you had such a companion--or perhaps more than one--did s/he have the same sex as you? The same gender? Was s/he androgynous? How did you view this character?

I have no idea whether anyone will bite, but I'll start. For the record, I am male but female-bodied, and I have been male-identified for as long as I can remember.

My imaginary friend was part cowboy, part extraterrestrial. His name was Billy, and he was from Venus (funny, that, now that I think about it). He was nineteen years old and never aged. He had blond hair and blue eyes, like me. He was tough but understanding.

At first, he was a playmate--a bit like an older brother or a favorite older cousin--but still very much my equal. Sometimes I played with him, sometimes I pretended to be him, and sometimes the two overlapped. I suppose he was the adult that I longed to be--a figure who reassured me that I would indeed grow up to be a young man someday.

He could ride and shoot and figure things out. Nobody messed with him. He could travel from Venus to Earth in nothing flat--I suppose he teleported. His parents were dead, so he had sole responsibility for caring for his nine younger brothers. I had names for all of them, but they were really only backstory.

When I was six or seven, his role deepened and he became a bit more like a mentor who started giving me advice and encouragement. I talked to him about my problems. He kept me company when I tried to fall asleep--I used to be wakeful at night. He continued very strongly in this capacity until I was about ten or eleven, when he started subtly fading out of my life.

It took a long time for him to go away completely. I struggled against it. He was still there while I was in junior high school, but only occasionally. At night, I used to whisper his name and ask for him to come visit me, but he often ignored me. This caused me great distress. By the time I reached high school, I realized that it had been a long time since we had spoken, and he never did come back.

Sometimes I still miss him.

What is weird about me is that I never had imaginary friends. The imaginary adventures I'd have is when I was imagining I was someone else, with imaginary companions on an imaginary mission of some kind... I was obsessed with sh*t like Star Wars and Indiana Jones when I was little, so I'd go through those sorts of adventures.

Later I started writing stories and drawing comics. I created characters, but they never really were my imaginary friends. They were people I felt like I was directing in a play, or sometimes playing in a play. My imagination, now that I look back on it, was somewhat unusual.

I wasn't male-identified since I can remember. I was null-gendered when I was younger; I didn't even think about gender. But what was interesting is that in all of my "adventures" I was a guy, with the exception of sometimes wanting to be very much like Lara Croft.

I do not recall ever having an imaginary friend. But, I did have the most horrible want for a sister till oh roughly age 10 or so. Perhaps interestingly one I call friend now was born at around that time. One of those fun little mysteries we may never know, well, in this context anyway.  Regardless apart from that I've always been pretty comfortable being solitary, although always longing for that VERY strong family link. Probably why at 33 I still live at home and don't want to leave. ^*shrug*

Never really had a true imaginary friend.  In early teens I realized I never had one and tried to make one up, didn't work to good and they decided I was delusional and added it to some diagnoses which don;t have grr...  sent me to hospital and all.  :(

But he was male and a sort of caveman/alien. 

I guess really closest really ever had to it was in my dreams a tiger showed up every once in a while, and I got the sense he was a friend and guardian.

The tiger was male too lol.

This is all very interesting. I wasn't expecting a barrage of replies, but I have read that lots of kids have imaginary friends, and so I was expecting the few respondents to have such friends.

A desire for a sister, a dream-tiger, and...what boils down to an imaginary imaginary friend. Wow.

Elwood, I cut my teeth on really old TV shows, particularly Star Trek (TOS) and...wait for it...The Man from U.N.C.L.E. Shows with a lot of male bonding. I constructed elaborate imaginary scenarios around these shows. The other kids on the block weren't too interested in playing, so I had most of my adventures in my head, too.

Like you, I started creating my own characters a few years later. In various forms, those characters stayed in my head all the rest of my life, until this summer. So I guess I've had variations on imaginary friends even into adulthood.

I wish they would come back, but my subconscious seems determined to make me live in the real world now.

I'm not sure how to do that. I miss them so much...  :icon_sadblinky:

I can't ever recall having imaginary friends either but much of my childhood is fuzzy so who knows if I had some at some point? Like Dan though, I had a lot of imaginary adventures pretending I was someone else.

Despite my dislike for it, I would have to play with my younger cousin to keep him company (even though he was a spoiled brat) and being that his father was the intensely macho, near-redneck type, a lot of that rubbed off on my cousin so he ALWAYS insisted on 'rescuing' me just because I was a girl. But I was bigger than him then so I either ignored him and talked over his part of the story or indulged him but then when the evil guy/dragon/monster/whatever came after us, I was the one who killed it. :P

I didn't often desire to play a female character or else if I did, she was just as strong, brave, daring, gutsy as her male counterparts because I never ever had the desire to play a damsel in distress.

Oh, and Batman. Yes, the old campy TV show. But I like the Batman in most of his personifications...

I did create my own culture in my head and was a member of them in my imagination.  And today I role play online (writting based simms) and play all sorts of characters, mostly Klingons but still male klingons of many varieties.

Quote from: Aiden on September 14, 2008, 02:33:55 PM
I did create my own culture in my head and was a member of them in my imagination.  And today I role play online (writting based simms) and play all sorts of characters, mostly Klingons but still male klingons of many varieties.

Cool. Do you speak the language fluently?

Quote from: Arch on September 14, 2008, 04:41:32 PM

Quote from: Aiden on September 14, 2008, 02:33:55 PM
I did create my own culture in my head and was a member of them in my imagination.  And today I role play online (writting based simms) and play all sorts of characters, mostly Klingons but still male klingons of many varieties.

Cool. Do you speak the language fluently?

No lol.  Just a few words here and there, and I misspronounce some of them.  Not surprising since I misspronouce words in English too lol and English is my only language lol other than few words in Klingon

I did have one when I was a little kid. Although She hid her real name from me but I called her Shasha. I believe Shasha was me. Well me that I buried deep. Is that weird or what.

I think to order to survive in this redneck town I live in. I had to create a way to still be me without being me. I don't know. It just how I've see my past now. It makes sense to me.

I had several imaginary friends and they appear as quite real to me. Two girls and one boy, the boy a little shorter and younger than the two girls. He was one of the girl's brother as it turned out.

I would spend most of the day in the woods behind the house playing with my imaginary friends. Mom would ask me what I had been doing all day, of course I just up and told her the truth that I was playing with my friends in the woods. Now my mother was one that didn't shock much over strange things but she certainly took a double take that day. The closest neighbor was five miles away and they didn't have kids!

Well, as you say, my imaginary friends kind of vanished at around the age of 8. But by the time I was 9 years old I ran into a ghost girl and she kind of became my playmate for a while, then she, too, kind of just vanished.

But through the years she kept coming back for a time then would leave again. I gave her a name,  Cassandra. She always showed up when I got into some type of trouble or another. She came to bail me out from my downfalls. Well now, would you believe that about twenty years ago I was into story-writing, stories for kids, and it was around this time that one of my childhood imaginary friends showed up. I named her Gertrude.

Gertrude was a lot of fun to be with. She was kind of like the witchy type, she could actually fly. I would only see her for short periods of time then she would disappear just before dark.

Well, one night I went and followed her, I got kind of curious and followed her. "Wow!" We came out of what was either a dust storm or fog and below us was this very large canyon! "Yikes!!" I held onto Gertrude even harder, then she flew down to the canyon floor and indicated for me to get off.

I followed her wishes, then she took off again with this realy large butterfly net chasing this winged critter that looked like a smaller version of a pterodactyl, ooooh, really scary-looking things! She would whoop and holler and she swooped down and swung that big old butterfly net and caught herself one of those danged ugly critters.

From the floor of the canyon it was kind of neat. What I thought were fireflies turned out to be tiny sparkly flakes which appeared to have life of their own. They flew down toward me and just swirled around and around me. This place was like something enchanted out of some kind of fantasy with a large silver moon that appeared to be big enough to touch the ground. and all around the moon there were billions of tiny silver stars which were dotted here and there with larger spheres of various sizes and colors

Gertrude is still here. She kind of looks after Critter when she is around the house through the day.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi11.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa191%2Fcynthiag932%2Fcriter.jpg&hash=647991508a6b6caaebb2ced9cb0672c7f3e86ab0)

Well beleive it or not, take it or leave it. Don't forget, Gertrude is watching you.

Cindy     

Posted on: September 15, 2008, 04:18:23 AM

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Hi Arch, sorry to see that this thread didn't take off, it could at least have been a good source to use as an escape from the usual daily crap just for a little while playing with imaginary friends. I done it for a good many years and I believe that was what saved me from going insane, also gave me an opportunity to dream and plan my future. Well it's been tried before I guess folk just aren't interested in using their imaginations and having fun doing so. My imagination is still quite alive and well, and if I killed the thread then I truly am sorry, hadn't meant to.

By the way, congrats on your new position.

Cindy

Cindy!!! You didn't kill the thread; it just didn't catch on, for whatever reason. I immensely enjoyed your post and was wondering whether you'd published any stories about Gertrude in particular, since you talked about writing for children. With good illustrations, you could write some terrific storybooks if you haven't already.

I once tried to write a mystery story about my imaginary friend, but I didn't get very far (I guess I was about ten at the time). Later, I realized that I wanted to keep him to myself, so I never tried again.

I did wonder whether a lot of people on this site found this particular way of playing out gender fantasies, as I did. Since only a few people have responded, I suppose that my question will remain unanswered. But it might make an interesting dissertation project for some graduate student somewhere, don't you think?

When I was a child, I tended to ignore gender completely. It wasn't something I consciously thought about (other than "Okay, I have two brothers, why aren't I like them or interested in any of the things they're doing?").

I didn't really have any imaginary friends as such, other than the ones out of books. Although that wasn't really the same thing, I guess. I spent a large portion of my time alone as a kid, mostly through choice, since I felt disconnected from most of the people around me. But I used to read voraciously. I learned to read at a very early age, and appreciated the worlds that my imagination brought to life through the various books I read.

I guess the closest I came to having something like an imaginary friend would be after I read the Pern novels by Anne McCaffrey. All those dragonriders, the bond between the dragon and rider... I lapped it up. Anyway, I would have 'phase out' moments sometimes where I would envision that world and myself in it. I never really saw myself with any solidity, though. If I was asked who I was in these 'daydreams' I honestly would not be able to answer. I was just 'someone'. Neither male nor female.

But I remember vividly that I was bonded to a female dragon, I called her Tiranth. She was shimmering gold and fast as the wind. I would create entire plotlines in my mind where the two of us would soar through the sky, burning up the thread that threatened Pern... screaming through icy ravines and burning deserts... it was such a sense of freedom. All the while we would be having entire telepathic conversations (which is how dragons and their riders communicate in the novels) about things that were going on in my life. And then we'd land and I'd take care of her.

That, I think, was the closest I came to having an imaginary friend. Lol, silly I know. :)

Hi, Arch, Leiandra, thanks for coming back with a response. I very much appreciate that.

Arch, hon, I tried on a couple of different occasions to bring something up on spirituality and imagination and fantasy, of which any one of those three I also thought would have been a wonderful tool to help someone through transition. Maybe they just thought it was too dumb to even consider. My imaginary friends are what actually helped me get through my childhood without burning out before I got to the age of ten, a happening like wheel, cogs, belts, and springs flying in all directions and radio tubes falling out on the floor. Aaaaaak!! I'm nothing more than an assortment of electrical and mechanical components that had been slapped together to make me into a robot to do the stuff I didn't want to do....huh??. Who is me?

Well, growing up through childhood, I never thought much one way or another about genders. Like Leiandra said, whatever the main character was in a story I was reading, that is who I became in imagination and I would play out the role of this character in my mind as I read the story.

I read pretty well anything I could get my hands on that was interesting to read, from anything like magazines, comic books, to pocket novels. For instance, The Little Mermaid was my favorite and there were a couple of times my sister and I argued about who was going to play Little Mermaid when we were down at the lake. 

By the time I got into my early teens I knew what was wrong with me but back in the sixties information on the subject was nonexistant so I kept it to myself. I was a loner in public school until I met Helen, another misfit like myself, two birds of a feather, flew together for nearly ten years until we parted company. That was a memorable time, two very mischievous girls who nearly ended up in the cell at the police station on a few different occasions if it hadn't been for this really nice police man. You see, we dressed pretty close to alike, a top and shorts and a baseball cap which we kept mostly for frog catching. I also had long hair then as well, being the rebel I was then, no one was going to touch my hair unless they hog tied me to a barbers chair, so no one bothered to try.

As for writing stories, I have written 6 children's stories but never got them published. I could never find an editor I could afford to pay to get them edited. A project for some graduate student ? Of course I would even go along with that and let that student have the credit. I think it would just be nice to read some of my own ideas in someone else's writing. Heck, I would even settle in getting my name in the National Enquirer in the alien section!

And Leiandra, about the dragon, maybe we are psychic, eh? I also have had an imaginary dragon for a pet, for that matter I also have a pterodactyl for a pet. The darn thing, I have to keep an eye on that one or she will fly off and go dig up the neighbors' gardens when I ain't watching. Anyway, yes, I have a pet dragon actually. Gertrude is my dragon handler. She uses the dragon to go out in the magical canyon to capture wingbats. You ever fly on the back of a dragon? Quite exciting, you know.

In an earlier post here on another thread, I talked about how I used my imagination which eventually helped me to come out full-time. Well it's a shame because it could make transitioning much more fun and less intimidating. I don't much scare for anything except those one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eating aliens.  I still love playing imagination, it keeps this old bat feeling younger.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi11.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa191%2Fcynthiag932%2Fdragon.jpg&hash=61e4740d4639241910399dea3fb3ea137b86b69c)

Cindy

Was interesting.  I told my therapist about the tiger in my dreams as a kid.  For one she was surprised I even remembered dreams from that age lol.  I can remember some dreams have had when was 4 years old.

But she asked me what I thought the tiger was in myself.   I figured he was my guardian, someone I could look to for protection.  And she didn't seem to think I was crazy when I said perhaps even a part of my self in future.  She suggested I try to reconnect with him as a part of myself to help me through the conflict of emotions and fear have been going through.

Haven't tried it yet though.

Hi Aiden hon, and there you go, I knew there had to be more then just me that had an imagination. I wish I could hug your therapist. Sounds to me that you have a therapist who probably already knows about utilising imagination for therapy. The wonderful thing about imagination where everything goes bump in the dark or "pop" a bouquet of flowers for the fairy princes with her magic wand appearing out of nowhere. There are no limits in Shangri La, the land of dreams, where anything and everything is possible.

See the thing is I think we all start out like that in early child hood, but then by the time we get to age 10 it's "Puff goes the magic dragon" for most of us unfortunately it appears. All of our childhood dreams sublimate into a small cloud of dust that is blown away on the dry desert wind into none existence then we put all the toys, whether that be dolls, stuffies of Tonka trucks and those neat little Dinky toy cars, and my goodness that little wind up army tank with the rubber tracks that could practically climb a wall and "geeeee!" that electric train set. We also don't want to forget all those different glass marbles with those swirly colored thingies inside. And oh my! Those neat tinted glass ones I use to hold up to the sunlight and pretend they were planets. Well for some the Never Ending Story does end unfortunatly.

As for remembering from an early age, I beleive it was from all the way back when I was three years old I remember I had long hair until just before starting grade school. My mom on different occasion would dress me up like a little girl and show me off to some of her friends, I use to be as proud as a pee-cock over the fussing I would receive. I played dress up and played house occasionally with my sister and my girl friend next door, her name was Christine. She was my best buddy until I got to the age of 8 and we moved to the town where I grew up.

Well anyway that's enough of that. For a good many years after that I had a good many imaginary friends but my Casandra was always there when I needed her. She was as close to a real life friend as one could hope to have. I believe I already mentioned her in a previous post. But yea, I know what you mean about keeping those childhood memories alive even after all the years of crap and I lived through I do remember my own personal Never Ending Story. I believe that is probably a good reason why I clung to my childhood imagination right up to this day, it's a good place to go visit, like the female version of Peter Pan.  ;D

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=R6wJqdnMUEk&feature=related (http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=R6wJqdnMUEk&feature=related)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAjt5q_UI6c&feature=related (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAjt5q_UI6c&feature=related)

Cindy

   

I don't think I ever had imaginary friends. At least, not until I actually heard of the term, and thought that maybe I should have one. So I tried it out. But it was forced so it didn't really stick. I did however, have imaginary pets. Tons of them. Mostly dogs since I was obsessed with dogs when I was a kid, and never had one. Somehow they all fit under my bed. When I came home from school and there was no one home, I would greet them. I even had a dream once, where I found a toothbrush in my desk drawer, and when I opened it (it somehow came apart), a dog would magically appear. Of course, I went and checked my drawer in the morning, and there was no toothbrush there. I was pretty disappointed.

In the end, I grew out of it somewhere around junior high. Probably got too distracted with other things. I don't think my parents ever knew. Then again if they did, maybe they would have worried about my mental health and actually bought me a dog. Haha.

Hi Shion hon.
Hmmm yea, maybe they would have got you one of those sheep dogs, I use to think they were the neatest thing on four legs. "Hee, hee," I realy wanted one of those to after watching a Walt Disney movie named, *Shaggy Dog.* If you remember where that kids dad got turned into a shaggy dog?  I had lots of dog pets, well my sister and I shared the first one, a Pekingese, how we loved that little dog and cried our eye balls out when he dies. My mom's two poodles and goodness don't remember how many stray cats came around to stay with us for keeps. I even had a couple of pet raccoons, well actually they kind of adopted us see, they would sneak in through the screen door at the back of the house and we would find them lying on the couch in the morning. Wasn't uncommon back then either to see deer grazing in the front yard, and sometimes a bear in the garbage can that mom would shoo away with the straw broom. Wolves howling in the woods behind the house.

Then I got a Samoyed Husky, complete with the blue eyes. A German Shepard, a hound dog, then the last one was a Lassie type collie. How I loved that dog, she died of old age, she was 20 years old. Then just 9 years ago, just a years before I started full time, I got myself a cat, Angora with grey and black stripes. I rescued him one night from someones back yard, the poor thing was starving and his fur was all mated and full of flees. I nursed him back to health and he was my best buddy for five years, well outside of a friends kids I had in my care during the first two years of being full time. Then my best buddy died five years later of feline aids. I never bothered with another pet after that, I just couldn't take the hurt of loosing them anymore.

So now I got my stuffies and my dolls and in my imagination, To me these stuffies through imagination take to be like living things, Just as much as my imaginary friends Gertrude, Cassandra, my dragon, and my pterodactyl, and oh I mustn't forget my muskrat friends, and of course the fairies who sleep in the glasses in the kitchen cupboard. Well it was my mom who taught me about imaginary friends. A person needed all the friends she could get living way back in the woods like we did.

But then I have friends, real friends who are denizens of the forest. if I sit in one place long enough, I'll have all kinds of little visitors come to me, squirrels, birds, and ya, even skunks, and raccoons. Even other peoples animals, some times even someones kid drop by to visit.  Just last weekend while siting on a park bench talking to Wing Walker, I had this squirrel come right up to us, and Wing Walker, big chicken, got scared and backed away from the little fury beast. After Wing Walker had backed off the squirrel proceeded to perch itself on my shoulder. So, anyway, I still have lots of pets see, all I need to do is step into any wooded area and they come ta visitin.  ;D

Thanks for visitin the imaginary friends/Playmates thread hon.

Cindy     

i had a whole imaginary country called Igren.

Quote from: Pica Pica on September 24, 2008, 04:01:54 PM
i had a whole imaginary country called Igren.

I like that name.

Quote from: cindybc on September 24, 2008, 03:43:27 PM
Then just 9 years ago, just a years before I started full time, I got myself a cat, Angora with grey and black stripes. I rescued him one night from someones back yard, the poor thing was starving and his fur was all mated and full of flees.      

I don't have time for a lengthy response (deadlines), but I have to say GOOD ON YA. I guess what you did was illegal, but sometimes you just have to break the law and thereby do the right thing.

I rescued my Big Guy (not his real name) from an itinerant life on the streets. He has FIV; it will likely kill him before his time. But for now, he's big and healthy, and he's crazy about me.

He used to be pretty wild, but he hardly ever bites me hard anymore at all, hardly. LOL. I am very obliging. I hunker down on my hands and knees so that he can strop my head. I know that I'll be completely broken up when he does go, but every day that he can boomph my head is gravy.

Igren is the country where the imaginary friends come from... here is just a sample of the reams of crap i wrote about Igren.

I normally write about Igren, where the imaginary friends come from. Igren is run by a six foot hedgehog, whole rules a council of animals that he can either ignore or follow the advice of. The island itself is similar in shape to one of those teeth at the back of your mouth but with an island between the prongy bits where the tooth anchors into the mouth. This small island between the prongs now serves as the capital city. Igren has the shortest national anthem ever, it goes like this;
      'I was walking along when, someone said I should go to Igren, Go to Igren, Igren today. Go to Igren, Igren is where I'll stay.' The tune you make up for yourself.
When I was little I used to write stories about the characters. These stories became the history of the island. As well as history I draw maps, inventions and also mythology. Igren is in a parallel world that is joined to ours by mystic spots and ley-lines. There are groups of imaginary people and animals in countries all over that world but I really only know about the Igreners. The richest inhabitants are mainly people and animals of this world who, over a thousand years ago, wanted something more interesting in life and so ran away to the parallel world. They were led to a meeting point in the next world and then battled through the lands looking for the one that looked like a tooth. The map they were using was written by a duck who had found her way to the other world and back.
A lot of creatures from the distant past, such as dragons, ogres and griffins had escaped to this parallel world and it was a world with plenty of monsters of its own. When the travelling animals got to the island it was peopled by the Globines. These are strong creatures, with strong arms and legs that come straight out of their heads. They are so compact that they can nut a person halfway across the room. Because of the Globines the creatures from this world had to make do with the little island between the prongs, which they named Igren. Over time they fortified this little island and started building a bridge from the island to one of the prongs. As soon as the last bit was put in place the Igreners swarmed out and captured a large section of the island and then walled it off. A couple years later they did the same with the other prong and the island was theirs. Nowadays the Globines are supported by The Indigenous Peoples' Bureau and can be sure to not be discriminated against and to get good jobs.
Something in the soil of Igren means that you cannot die. When they took over from the Globines they put prisoners into a big prison ship and sailed it towards a huge whirlpool. None of the Globines had sailing knowledge and they got sucked under. They're still there and still alive whirling around and probably feeling both dizzy and seasick. This eternal life does mean that war is bit pointless. However some of the people in that world enjoy the supposed spectacle of war, especially without the risk of death. These people usually forget the risk of extreme pain. The Igreners, though not particularly warlike once they had gained their tooth-like island, have an impressive looking army. This consists of the Cochyn, or the knights of first class and the Crychyn, or knights of second class. The words Coch means anyone who owns land and Crych for those without. Calling someone a Crychmon, a landless man, can still get you punched in some communities. In a country where the soil itself gave you eternal life the land is an important commodity and a dividing factor. The Cochyn are usually used as decoration for tourists to gawp at, but when needed can be fierce in battle. They are equipped with a large metal staff that has a hook at one end and a point at the other and a thin sword. The staff is used to keep people at a distance and to unhook a weapon out of the enemies hands and the sword is used for stabbing. I've tried it and it's impossible to co-ordinate your movements in a way that is both dangerous to the enemy and cool to look at. The Crychyn were equipped with socks with rocks in that they bash the enemy with.
   Looking cool is important in battles on that parallel world because battles are won by impressing a table of judges who give marks out of ten based on an army's co-ordination, posture, fearsomeness, individual bravery and likelihood of being turned into an epic poem. After a string of very high victories (the best being a 10,10,8 and only because one of the judge's sister was in the other army) the hedgehog decided to invade this world. The council disagreed but his word was law and so the largest army they had ever assembled went to one of the ley-line spots and found themselves in no-man's land 1917. It didn't take them long to decide that our world needed help and set up the Imaginary Friend Program. Anyone who had an imaginary friend before 1917 was lying.

Hi Cindy, I was always really envious of people who had tons of pets growing up. And people who lived in the countryside, or near forests and such. It always sounds wonderful. Even though I really like the city. But it's ok. I don't think in my youth, I would have taken care of any pet as well as I can now. So after I move out, I'm going to foster dogs and cats from the shelter. It'll be sad to have to let them go all the time, but that way I can have many, many pets. :)

Hi Shion, I think that's a wonderful idea, I mean to foster animals from the shelter. I didn't know that one could do that. That is a wonderful selfless act on your part and I am sure there are a lot of critters that need some loving and caring to be sure.

I may have had lots of pets both of the domestic type and those of the wilds but it just hurts to much when I loose them. I watched to many pets die. But then I can just drive down the road from here about a mile and I can go sit in the park and have critters come and visit me.

And yes I was raised in the lumber camps in the north country of Ontario until I was 9 years old, then moved to the the homestead in southern Ontario.  The property I believe I already mentioned in a previous post here that I grew up on. To keep the story short, I had a messy divorce with my ex and lost the homestead when I was 33 and moved to the city, then moved to a little town 30 miles north of the city I had lived in for twenty years. I lived there for the last 10 years 9 of those years I lived full time and Cindy. Since I left the homestead that was 30 years ago, and yes I still miss living in the country. Every-time I see something that reminds me of the homestead I get teary eyed.

I guess that goes to show you that the saying you can take the girl out of the country but you can't take the country out of the girl is a pretty accurate statement.

Cindy 

Posted on: September 25, 2008, 07:40:48 AM

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Hi all, geee it's nice to see some folks joining in on Imaginary Friends/Playmates; thread. I wish I could respond but I been up all night. I'll see you all later, now I'm going to cuddle up between Wing Walker and my imaginary pet, *Critter* Gertrude has already left with my pet Dragy the dragon to go catch wing bats out there in the magical canyon.

Cindy 

I'm mtf and as a kid...I didn't have just an "imaginary friend." I had an imaginary girlfriend. This was around age 5. Her name was Hodd and she had a special bycicle that could keep up with a car at any speed. She never rode in the car, either, only on the bicycle following us or riding beside us. She was my girlfriend, even though I also had a real-life girlfriend at the time (yes, at age 5, I was an insufferable lesbian, despite my male body). She disappeared within a few years of that, then returned in my late teens/early 20s. She broke up with me, but stuck around as my imaginary ex-girlfriend. She even started up her own deadjournal for a while, doing a better job of keeping it up to date than I did with my own deadjournal. During this time, she would only refer to me with female pronouns and as the name that my parents would've named me had I been born physically female (that name is Lacy, though I have since chosen to go with Katrina instead). She still pops in on me from time to time to see how I'm doing, sometimes to tease me a little (what with being my ex-girlfriend and all lol), but mostly to make sure I'm doing okay. She also made it clear to me a while back that she, like me, is a lesbian and has always been a lesbian. I guess she knew I was a girl before I ever thought to question the difference between my identity and my physical body.

Hi Princess Katrina hon, wow, enjoyed reading your post. Yea, I had a real girl best friend to when I was 4 years old, her name was Christine and she had long black hair, well back then it was some kind of trend for mom's to let their preschool boys hair grow and even on occasion dress them up in one of those little frilly dresses, you know, the kind for show. I guess that's what it was, kind of some type of contest, you know,  like showing their model off to the neighbors type of thing. Goodness how vividly do I remember my mom dressing me up in one of those little dresses and setting me on a towel on the nose of my dad's black 46 ford to take a picture of me. It was sunny and I could feel my little tush burning even through the towel

Anyway it was not unusual for us to be playing dress up and playing house, didn't seem to bother anyone. Anyway we were truly best of friends and we could exchange toys and I could play with a doll just as well as Christine could play with any one of my Tonka toys. Well when I got to the age of six it was off with the long hair, Goodness what a disaster, dismayed they may as well have been carrying me off to my execution. I kicked and screamed all the time the barber attempted to cut my hair. Tiring of my nonsense he cuffed me on the ear to get me to stop, so I just sat there sobbing quietly, and sometimes giving a little shudder. I thought my best friend Christine wouldn't like me anymore. Well we still remained best friends for another two years, then this was when I discovered we were going to be moving and so was Christine and her folks. Yea, I cried for a long time, I truly missed my best friend, and often imagined her with me as a play mate for some time until I met my three imaginary kids in the woods, two girls and one boy who was slightly shorter and appeared to be younger then the two girls.

In real life most of my friends were girls although I did have a few real cool guy friends as well. Today my friends are all women. But you see, Princess Katrina, friends from the past whether they be real people or imaginary I don't think they ever realy go away, just like my pet dragon. At the present time I have four imaginary friends, Gertrude, Josephine, Mary Jane and Marylou.  ;D

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi11.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa191%2Fcynthiag932%2Ffairiescarolynandme-1.jpg&hash=6f2933297f8a26a04b09ec16fe4522457d9228bf)

Cindy

Yeah, I mostly only had female friends also, though my best friend for a long time was a boy. Though, he and his sisters were more like brothers and sisters to me than friends. Their mum was my mum's best friend, so we were always at each other's houses, sleeping over, bathing together, etc. The boy and I drifted apart, though, as he became more and more male and I just wanted to play with barbies with his sisters.

It was actually about the time I met my first real girlfriend that my imaginary girlfriend faded from my life. Yeah, I went lesbian early~ I had my first girlfriend in 1st Grade (though my first time kissing another girl was as a baby! XD).

Like you, Cindy, I tended to play house a lot, though the exact situation I played with these two girls when dad was at seminary still has me wondering. The two girls were sisters. One of them would be the wife and the other would be the husband, and I'd be there pet female cat~ I often was a female cat in such games of pretend, even with other friends of mine, and that hasn't stopped (I have two mithra (catgirls) in FFXI, a werecheetah in that Werewolf game by the people who made Vampire: The Masquerade, a catgirl in EQ2, a catgirl in PSU...).

I almost want to go into child psychology, just cause of how interesting it is to see what the early manifestations of a developing identity can be, but I'll leave that to my boyfriend~<3.

I did have an imaginary friend for a while... it was some sort of reassuring figure, but I can't even remember it very well now... my brother murdered my imaginary friend when I was young.

Quote from: The Sarah♀ on October 07, 2008, 09:48:09 AM
I did have an imaginary friend for a while... it was some sort of reassuring figure, but I can't even remember it very well now... my brother murdered my imaginary friend when I was young.

Did you murder his imaginary friend back? You should have, or kidnapped them, or something.

That was so mean of him! >:(

My imaginary friend was Sonic the Hedgehog.

Hahahaha... wasn't I creative? :P

This one lives in my bedroom closet. Good thing they only eat imaginary food.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi11.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa191%2Fcynthiag932%2FPterodactyl4.jpg&hash=59063802fced1c2ac22df7d8853207c7d5360f93)
My imaginary friend the Dragon Keeper and her helpers.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi11.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa191%2Fcynthiag932%2FGertrude.jpg&hash=f4f98d5ad093b17999006515b59af43a03d06786)

Cindy

I am having SUCH a blast reading these replies. It's cool that people have had nonhuman friends...I had heard about such things but had never actually known anyone who had animal companions. Kewl!

Quote from: Phate on October 07, 2008, 12:23:30 PM

Quote from: The Sarah♀ on October 07, 2008, 09:48:09 AM
I did have an imaginary friend for a while... it was some sort of reassuring figure, but I can't even remember it very well now... my brother murdered my imaginary friend when I was young.

Did you murder his imaginary friend back? You should have, or kidnapped them, or something.

That was so mean of him! >:(

I know... ._.

He's six years older than me, and he didn't have an imaginary friend himself at the time. It was so mean...

Stick around big boy, ya aint seen nothin yet.  ;D
Twinkles the fairy curtsies, smiling and winking at Arch then flies away in a flurry of twinkling sparklies.

Hi Sarah we can always get my magic wand I got for a bargain in a second hand store. It's a we bit bent but it still works. Maybe we can turn your brother into a toad and let him loose in an alligator filled lagoon. They can't eat him though but he don't have to know that see. "Hee, hee, hee." I was meeting with a few women friends tonight and we were talking about stuff like that tonight and about putting hexes on domineering pain in the butt partners. Lots of giggles to be sure. I thank God for my beloved,

Cindy

Ah, now this is a good topic! I used to have imaginary friends but they weren't imaginary they where my friends in real life flesh however I used to imagien them being with me when they weren't and me being a boy and what they would say. I still do it now (Im 21) however I do it to music now, I have oftern wondered if I am slightly wierd.....  Or wether this is just purley a place to escape for me.. I do day dream alot and I enjoy these dreams but they are ever so realistic..

"Music?" Ah, but of course me lad,  most assured, nothing like a wee taste of the romantic me dear, the sweet taste of honey in a world of rainbows. A chorus of melodious song birds materialising from the emerald green valley. A sparkling turquoise river snakes it's way from the white topped purple mountains in the distance.

Music is an elixir for the soul, just like tears can heal a broken heart see. or how about flying on the wings of love.  ;D Now see I can be romantic too, I use to wright romance stories. Don't never let anyone try to convince you that you are to old for imagination, "Like, hey man, take a hike"

Good thing imaginary friends and pets eat imaginary food or there would be a big grocery bill problem, but I have free transportation at my disposal All I need to do is jump behind Gertrude on the back of my pet dragon and away we go. I well plan to have a fertile imagination going all the way up to 100 years old I pray. You see, I am doing the same routine as George Burns.  ;D Anyway I'm to ornery to die and neither the devil or God what's me, I'm afraid I'll have to wait a long time for my fairy wings. see.

Does anyone here now see how using imagination has the potential of being good therapy for transitioning? If you don't believe me, think again then use your imagination.  

Cindy

My imaginary friends didn't even like me.  Its rough when you get ditched by people who aren't even there. 

Quote from: tekla on October 08, 2008, 07:30:47 AM
My imaginary friends didn't even like me.  Its rough when you get ditched by people who aren't even there. 

Oh, Tekla. Ouch. I'm sorry.

I had this happen to me, but not while I was a child. Not until this summer did the fantasy friends in my head give me the heave-ho. They gave me a choice between them and my therapist. I chose my therapist, but I very nearly didn't.

He's amazing--he really understands how much of a sacrifice this was for me, and he likened it to the act of pushing me out of the nest.

I understand what he means, but I miss them so much. Sometimes I just want daddy bird to preen my feathers and keep me warm and regurgitate dinner for me.  :icon_baby:

Hey, imaginary friends aren't supposed to do that. They are a place and a land where you go to get away from reality and mean people for a while. It is a place where you can go where you are free to live your wildest dreams and ain't no one toss you off your pink cloud, you own it, so if they are mean to you just give them this eviction papers, there's lots of imaginary friends and pets out there looking for a home in your imagination.

The therapist? Now what does he got to do with your imagination? He don't have to know unless you feel there is a reason to mention it to him. Sometime subconscious stuff can be hard to tell apart from imagination. The subconscious mind is a collection of assorted memories that you have accumulated from all the way back since you were born both the bad good and indifferent as well as the traumatic and good experiences. all mixed up like a mixture of ingredients in a blender, and "please hold the frog!"

I use to tell my imaginary stuff to my shrink in the form of little stories which I told him I was writing. He was always asking me about my wrightings when I went to see him and I loved to update him. He was the kind of cold fish all business type and dificult to make smile type. But there were times when I could see a trace of a smile inside that well groomed beard and unlit pipe he always held in the side of his mouth. Putting a smile on those type of folks can most certainly be the most satisfying achievement of all. I live to make people smile.

Cindy     

Quote from: cindybc on October 08, 2008, 02:57:57 PM
Hey, imaginary friends aren't supposed to do that. They are a place and a land where you go to get away from reality and mean people for a while. It is a place where you can go where you are free to live your wildest dreams and ain't no one toss you off your pink cloud, you own it, so if they are mean to you just give them this eviction papers, there's lots of imaginary friends and pets out there looking for a home in your imagination.

The therapist? Now what does he got to do with your imagination? He don't have to know unless you feel there is a reason to mention it to him.

I've never talked about my fantasy life to anyone on this forum except Nero. In fact, the only people on the planet who know about my fantasies are Nero, my therapist, my closest real-life friend, and my partner. I have characteristically been a little reserved on these boards, but I think I'm ready to open up a little.

The way I understand it, imaginary friends, in a way, insert themselves into our real world. I had that from an early age until sometime in adolescence. But when I was quite small, I also started crawling into my head, creating internal stories and peopling them with characters that I had invented. I always entered these worlds as one of the characters, not as my real-world self. I didn't know it at the time, but the characters that I played were in many ways more accurate representations of me than was my "real" self.

As a budding gay boy, I suppose it was only natural to have daddy-son fantasies. I have always been confused about my gender and sexuality, and I have always felt stuck at the age of thirteen. That's right before I started to really develop, physically, into a female instead of the boy that I thought I was. I guess my dads provided a refuge, a place where I could be the boy, have the adolescence that I had been denied, be healed of my psychological wounds, and be mentored by a loving gay father. My dads helped me to cope with being trapped on the cusp of a male adolescence that never came.

These fantasies became an actual physical need. If I didn't go into my head periodically, my mind would become sluggish and I would start having trouble functioning in the real world. Unfortunately, for the last fifteen years or so, I have relied more and more on these fantasy dads for emotional support. The fantasies kept me alive and somewhat sane, but they became a substitute for relationships with real people. They even contributed to my decision not to transition in the nineties. I had perfect worlds, perfect relationships, and the right gender and sexuality in my mind. So I kept right on living there.

When I fully came out this summer and decided to pursue therapy, that was the first step toward transition, the first step toward my hypothetical fourteenth birthday. I hadn't "seen" my fantasy dads in a while and asked them where they'd been (I think of my fantasy dads as autonomous individuals, so it seemed sensible to confront them). They--that is, the part of me that governs them--clearly recognized that therapy was a way for me to move forward and become a man. They apparently believed that the I'm-a-thirteen-year-old-boy scenario would hold me back. They understood that I was in more capable hands now (I've said it before, and I'll say it again: my therapist is AWESOME). So they gave me an ultimatum. They told me that I could have my fantasies back (and, presumably, stay thirteen and emotionally damaged and physically female forever), or I could continue seeing my therapist (and start moving forward with my life). As I said earlier, I chose to move forward.

Because this was a momentous decision--no matter how silly it might sound--of course I told my therapist everything. And he's helping me come to terms with it all.

I don't know whether my dads are gone for good. I do know that they were giving me a chance to live my life and fully become myself. And I also know that, at least for now, I have cut myself off from the ability to create new fantasies, even if they're not built on the same kinds of stories and characters that I've always relied on.

I have mostly lived a lonely life, no matter how many people have been around me. But I've never been so lonely in my life as when my three gay fathers cut me off. I'm still grieving for them as if they were real people. To me, they are.

I spoke to my main dad, the patriarch and my favorite, one last time before he went away. He told me that he would always love me--and that now I needed to go out and find my peace. My life is still filled with more emotional turmoil than I ever thought possible, but I'm trying to find my way. I know that my dads are with me in spirit, even if I can't see them or talk to them. I know that they're a part of me and that I can find their best qualities in myself. I know that someday I'll incorporate them into the gay man that I am becoming.

Still, occasionally, I find my eyes searching for my favorite dad here in the real world. But I know that he's not here where I can see him. He's inside me. I constantly have to remind myself of something that Antoine de Saint-Exupéry once wrote: "What's essential is invisible to the eye."

Hi Arch geeee, so sorry, I guess I never thought that living even part time in imagination can mean problems for some. I pray that some day you will fins a beloved like I have, no one deserved to live alone. I was alone for a lot of years before I met my beloved. I kept myself occupied with my work and other outside interests. Actually I was using reality to try to establish my credibility as a real person in the world. I always thrived for attention for as far back as memory can reach. I loved doing the clown act and get people to laugh, I still do.

Now this brings us to about twelve years ago, when GID reared it's head to where it ran rampant out of control if you know what I mean. It was  around that time I began my first tentative steps into the real world in the female gender roll. But my using imagination as a way to escape from reality and live as myself in imagination helped me to find who the inner-self was. I decided to move to the little town where my kids lived, at least got to spend three years with them, my son lived with me for a year and my two daughters left town for college, haven't seen them since. My son got killed a year later in a car accident and for a time I lived mostly in fantasy trying to escape the pain until I secured employment as a social worker for mental health recipients. This job became the most important focal point for me in my life. It kept me in touch with reality

Still the loneliness would get to me when I was at home and so I spent a lot of time in imagination which also prompted me to wright fantasy stories. That was why I just had this big silly smile on my face when I stumbled over this thread, I didn't think anyone believed in fantasy and make believe anymore. But then all good thing do go their way after a time anyway huh. Where you need to shake hands with your imaginary friends and say "Bye!"

Anyway I began playing out my imaginary games in the privacy of my own home in the beginning. Like a lady wearing a beautiful fairy tale sparkly white gown and going to a ball with this aging debonaire well to do gentleman, I believe I got the gown from some thrift store. complete with the music and the fake champaign. 

Again with the same debonair gentleman, I went to a book signing, it was my own first novel. I remember I was dressed in a ladies business suit and in my mind I walking up the imaginary stage to the podium and thanked everyone and signed my book. The  all who were there began to clap hands loudly as my cheeks reddened some I curtsied and walked back off the stage to rejoin my partner.

Another time I climbed down this realy steep hill in the bush behind the apartment building where I lived and walked a short distance away to this large sand pit. I was dressed in a make shift harem type of costume, I kicked my shoes off and walked out feeling the soft cool sand under my feet. In my mind I was magically transformed int the princess of the desert, as I looked up at the canopy of a multitude of stars, I danced and kicked at the sand and then ran around giggling like a little kid out for recess.

On yet another occasion I climbed down the same steep hill I was wearing white dressy shorts and a white halter top with a shawl over my shoulders. I was walking down this trail that led down to the beach along the bay while stopping momentarily to listen to all the tiny chorus of night sounds. I leaned my head back slightly and breathed in deeply of the fragrance carried on the night air then exhaled slowly. There was a very large orangish moon coming up over the horizon as I walked out unto the beach. I untied my hair and let it fall loosely on my shoulders as I walked around the beach, then sat down on the sand and just daydreamed for a little while.

I then got up and walked back toward where the trail was Something caught my eyes and looked up towards the top of the trees , then dew in my breath in awe. This was a phenomena the likes I had never seen before. There was this spiders web that stretched between the tops of two trees, and there were all there tiny water droplets in the web that looked like tiny diamonds glittering in the silver moonlight. It truly had an appearance of being magical or something.  Anyway I played out the rest of my imaginary excursion by having my debonair partner row to the shore in a dingy then rowing back to his yacht and going for a cruise while I stood beside my him at the bow, letting the wind ruffle through my hair.

I don't remember after that how many times I would get into my car ans drive to another town and just walk around as Cindy. I also once went to a very large and popular beach on the Georgian bay in Ontario, in a girls bathing suit, I spent the entire day there with people milling all around me and was never disturbed. 

Soon after I met a woman which I became good friends with, she had three children and I love children so needless to say she had herself a built in babysitter. As time went on I went out with her to visit her friends dressed up in female mode. Shortly after I came out full time to all and at works as well. My friend had to go away for drug rehabilitation and she left her three kids in my care. Two boys and one girl. How wonderful that was, I had 9 kids go under my roof through the years but this was the first time as female. I finally could be a real mom, well at least for two years. I had a good amount of friends back in that little town but here I am accumulating a good amount of friends and of course. I still love the attention, geee, I should have been a movie star or something. But now I am getting attention from real people. But I sometimes still enjoy visiting my imaginary friends and pets.

So the moral of the story is that using imagination encouraged me to come out of the closet so to speak. I guess this imagination stuff doesn't react the same way for everyone. Sorry. Truly I am sorry if I mislead anyone with this imagination stuff.

Sorry for any spelling errors and typo's I may have missed, I beleive I am being just to emotional today, shouldn't even be on here. But I will never let my imagination die.

Cindy