Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Im a happily married "man" to a really wonderful woman. Ive reached a point in my life where I cant repress the truth as easy as Ive been doing but I guess Im just gonna have to anyway. Am I a unique situation or is this common? I wont do anything to hurt my wife and kids so Ive been putting on the superman mask .Before my wife I put my mask on for my beloved parents God rest their souls. I played my role well and I have been rewarded for it but now for some reason I have come to the total realization of what Ive always known since 4 years old. I guess I just needed to tell somebody. Any advice would be greatly appretiated. Thanks.

coolJ,

First off, welcome to Susan's! This is a very open community, and there really isn't a topic that you can't talk about here. Feel free to talk about anything and everything, supporting others, life issues, the list goes on....

I'm going to assume by the tone of your talk, that it sounds like you're male-to-female, is that right? When you said "man"? If that is so, this would belong in the MTF threads instead of FTM. If I misinterpreted you, I apologize greatly.

What you're describing sounds completely normal to me, I've heard/read of this situation many, many times now (I'm single, so I wouldn't know about that).

The thread is in the right board now.

:)

Welcome to Susan's, CoolJ.

You've already taken the first step. :)

Wow thanks. I feel pretty stupid now I thought I was in the male to female thread. Ive never done this before so I guess Ive got to check where Im going better! Basically I feel Im a woman in a mans body who happens to still be attracted to my wife. Maybe Im just nuts. :(

Not unique at all. You are understood by others like you more than you may think or know.

I won't presume to read anything into your words that you haven't said, but will say that many have gotten to a point later in their life where they are questioning.

Please feel free to continue to express yourself here. I have found that there are many who are thoughtful, caring, and understanding here.

I will wish you the best.

Quote from: coolJ on September 18, 2008, 10:33:33 PMBasically I feel Im a woman in a mans body who happens to still be attracted to my wife. Maybe Im just nuts. :(

Not even close, honey. *big hug* You're among friends here who understand how you feel. And you'd be surprised at just how many people feel the same way as you do.

What you do next is largely up to you. You've made the biggest step, admitting who you are to yourself. That's a mountain that not everyone is able to scale. So what do you do with that knowledge? I guess that depends on a number of things, not least of which is how badly you want to act on that knowledge.

I guess the best thing to do would be to think about talking to a therapist who has experience dealing with gender issues, if there's one in your area. They will be able to listen to how you feel, without judgement, and perhaps advise you on what options are available to you.

If that seems a bit too much of a leap at first then you can always spend some time here with us and read about the questions people have and the experiences we go through. Who knows, you may make a few friends along the way. You don't have to make any decisions until you're ready.

But you're not alone, honey, and you don't have to go through any of this alone. We can listen and we can support you morally should you need it, give you a shoulder to lean on. You don't have to suffer... and you certainly don't have to suffer in silence. *hugs*

Quote from: Leiandra on September 18, 2008, 10:50:05 PM

Quote from: coolJ on September 18, 2008, 10:33:33 PMBasically I feel Im a woman in a mans body who happens to still be attracted to my wife. Maybe Im just nuts. :(

Not even close, honey. *big hug* You're among friends here who understand how you feel. And you'd be surprised at just how many people feel the same way as you do.

What you do next is largely up to you. You've made the biggest step, admitting who you are to yourself. That's a mountain that not everyone is able to scale. So what do you do with that knowledge? I guess that depends on a number of things, not least of which is how badly you want to act on that knowledge.

Yeah, you are definitely normal coolJ  ;)

Further emphasizing what Leiandra said, she's absolutely right. It isn't an easy process to be able to say that, and not everyone can get there. I honestly wish I could tell you/myself what I am, cause I'm not entirely sure yet ::).

Anyway, in all likelihood, it isn't going to get easier, so I'd recommend you find a gender specialist in your area if you have one.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey  ;)

Quote from: Leiandra on September 18, 2008, 10:50:05 PM

Quote from: coolJ on September 18, 2008, 10:33:33 PMBasically I feel Im a woman in a mans body who happens to still be attracted to my wife. Maybe Im just nuts. :(

Not even close, honey. *big hug* You're among friends here who understand how you feel. And you'd be surprised at just how many people feel the same way as you do.

What you do next is largely up to you. You've made the biggest step, admitting who you are to yourself. That's a mountain that not everyone is able to scale. So what do you do with that knowledge? I guess that depends on a number of things, not least of which is how badly you want to act on that knowledge.

I guess the best thing to do would be to think about talking to a therapist who has experience dealing with gender issues, if there's one in your area. They will be able to listen to how you feel, without judgement, and perhaps advise you on what options are available to you.

If that seems a bit too much of a leap at first then you can always spend some time here with us and read about the questions people have and the experiences we go through. Who knows, you may make a few friends along the way. You don't have to make any decisions until you're ready.

But you're not alone, honey, and you don't have to go through any of this alone. We can listen and we can support you morally should you need it, give you a shoulder to lean on. You don't have to suffer... and you certainly don't have to suffer in silence. *hugs*

Thank you, Im 42 and Ive never told anyone. Im so glad I found this site! If I wasnt married and wasnt so dammed masculine looking I'd transition in a second. But I cant even let anyone around me know they would be totally shocked and think I was nuts. Also my family constantly looks to me for help and support in just about everything(this is extended family as well-alot of people) so I do what I can for them. So I guess Im trapped. At least Ive found friends who I can tell that know what Im going through-this alone makes me feel free. Wow-thank you all so much! :D

Quote from: coolJ on September 18, 2008, 11:20:39 PM
Thank you, Im 42 and Ive never told anyone. Im so glad I found this site! If I wasnt married and wasnt so dammed masculine looking I'd transition in a second. But I cant even let anyone around me know they would be totally shocked and think I was nuts. Also my family constantly looks to me for help and support in just about everything(this is extended family as well-alot of people) so I do what I can for them. So I guess Im trapped. At least Ive found friends who I can tell that know what Im going through-this alone makes me feel free. Wow-thank you all so much! :D

Of course they'll all be surprised, I don't think many wouldn't be. I can see you're really devoted to your family, and that's good, but at the same instance, if you aren't happy with who YOU are, something's gotta change.

Also, never say never on how you look, I've seen some amazing results from just HRT before, let alone FFS.

Here's something I've thought of before that you may want to think about. I got to thinking before, that if I lose someone due to transition (I'm not transition at the moment, I'm still unsure, seeing a therapist soon), then they really weren't truly a worthy friend/family member. It's those that will stay with you through all the bumps in the road, and impossible odds along the way, that really count.

Quote from: coolJ on September 18, 2008, 10:00:02 PM
Im a happily married "man" to a really wonderful woman. Ive reached a point in my life where I cant repress the truth as easy as Ive been doing but I guess Im just gonna have to anyway. Am I a unique situation or is this common? I wont do anything to hurt my wife and kids so Ive been putting on the superman mask .Before my wife I put my mask on for my beloved parents God rest their souls. I played my role well and I have been rewarded for it but now for some reason I have come to the total realization of what Ive always known since 4 years old. I guess I just needed to tell somebody. Any advice would be greatly appretiated. Thanks.

Hi CoolJ, welcome to Susan's.

Your introduction echo's many of that of the lives of people here, mine included.

I had a very sucessful life as a guy including the family & parents thing, but was never happy, never far from total depression and hated my life, because it was a lie, a sham and confusing.

I transitioned at 38 after much heartache, soul searching and deciding to be true to myself and my family, It is the best thing I ever did as I now have a life I understand and am totally comfortable in, confident, sociably outgoing and extremely happy.

I understand fully your pain and offer no advice apart from do whats in your heart.

Buffy

Quote from: findingreason on September 18, 2008, 11:28:50 PM

Quote from: coolJ on September 18, 2008, 11:20:39 PM
Thank you, Im 42 and Ive never told anyone. Im so glad I found this site! If I wasnt married and wasnt so dammed masculine looking I'd transition in a second. But I cant even let anyone around me know they would be totally shocked and think I was nuts. Also my family constantly looks to me for help and support in just about everything(this is extended family as well-alot of people) so I do what I can for them. So I guess Im trapped. At least Ive found friends who I can tell that know what Im going through-this alone makes me feel free. Wow-thank you all so much! :D

Of course they'll all be surprised, I don't think many wouldn't be. I can see you're really devoted to your family, and that's good, but at the same instance, if you aren't happy with who YOU are, something's gotta change.

Also, never say never on how you look, I've seen some amazing results from just HRT before, let alone FFS.

Here's something I've thought of before that you may want to think about. I got to thinking before, that if I lose someone due to transition (I'm not transition at the moment, I'm still unsure, seeing a therapist soon), then they really weren't truly a worthy friend/family member. It's those that will stay with you through all the bumps in the road, and impossible odds along the way, that really count.
They wouldnt just be surprised some would be downright devestated including my wife. And I cant put myself over her-I guess thats the woman in me thats pretty selfless. I had a great selfless mom like that and Im proud to follow suite. As far as my desires I realize Im pretty much screwed but at least Ive got an outlet now. Just talking about this is giving me peace and right now thats what I need-peace and clarity. And your also right about friends who'll stick by you no matter what. Those are real freinds! :angel:

Quote from: coolJ on September 18, 2008, 11:45:49 PM
They wouldnt just be surprised some would be downright devestated including my wife. And I cant put myself over her-I guess thats the woman in me thats pretty selfless. I had a great selfless mom like that and Im proud to follow suite. As far as my desires I realize Im pretty much screwed but at least Ive got an outlet now. Just talking about this is giving me peace and right now thats what I need-peace and clarity. And your also right about friends who'll stick by you no matter what. Those are real freinds! :angel:

Hi, coolJ! Welcome to Susan's :)

I'm going to assume the quoted paragraph above was written by you and not findngreason. If I'm wrong, please let me know. OK.

I would like to say that just because you're married does not mean your marriage will fall apart should you decide to transition. I can tell you from experience that while it is possible for you to "hide" eventually someone will either find out or you will realize you just can't go on being male anymore. My partner, Danielle, went through this and at nearly 34, realized she could no longer be 'male' anymore. You are correct that it will be a shock for everyone. However, you also don't need to tell everyone at once, like some big announcement.

I would at least talk with your wife about how you feel. Seriously. If your marriage is going to survive transition, your wife will need to be with you every step of the way.  Marriages do survive transition (there are a few people on the boards here who are still together after everything. Happily too!) Dani and I hope to add to that tally (and so far the prognosis is good :) ) The above mentioned therapy is a good place for you to start, and perhaps get a perspective on how to approach your wife. I would also check to see if your therapist will do couple's sessions.

You said in another post that you feel trapped because people depend on you. You can be a dependable female you know ;)

Many hugs!

WR

P.S. If I've wandered too far from the SO's realm, please let me know. I just thought an SO's point of view here might be helpful :)

Quote from: coolJ on September 18, 2008, 10:00:02 PM
Im a happily married "man" to a really wonderful woman. Ive reached a point in my life where I cant repress the truth as easy as Ive been doing but I guess Im just gonna have to anyway... I wont do anything to hurt my wife... I played my role well and I have been rewarded for it but now for some reason I have come to the total realization of what Ive always known since 4 years old...

You just summarized MY life too!

I'm glad your here. You're amoungst friends ;)

QuoteBut I cant even let anyone around me know they would be totally shocked and think I was nuts.

I thought that too. You might be surprised how easily people deal with all this. I was SURE I'd be fired, ostracized, abandoned... and NONE of it happened. Just the opposite in fact. I *seriously* underestimated the wisdom and compassion of the people surrounding me.

~ Katie Marie ~

Quote from: coolJ on September 18, 2008, 11:20:39 PM
Thank you, Im 42 and Ive never told anyone. Im so glad I found this site! If I wasnt married and wasnt so dammed masculine looking I'd transition in a second. But I cant even let anyone around me know they would be totally shocked and think I was nuts. Also my family constantly looks to me for help and support in just about everything(this is extended family as well-alot of people) so I do what I can for them. So I guess Im trapped. At least Ive found friends who I can tell that know what Im going through-this alone makes me feel free. Wow-thank you all so much! :D

You know, I used to think everyone would be totally shocked and think I was nuts too. Especially as I live in Idaho and grew up in an extremely conservative town that was about 80% Mormon. But, people never stop surprising me. I told my little brother about a week ago and if anything he has been calling me and wanting to hang out even more. And my girlfriend has been amazingly supportive since I told her about my feelings 3 months ago. She even moved in with me.

I guess what I am saying is the world is a drastically different place than the one you probably grew up in. Hell, it's a different place than what I grew up in and I am only 21. Just look around at things like there being a transexual on America's Next Top Model and you'll realize it is not nearly as big of a deal nowadays. You need to do what will make you happy too.

Quote from: coolJ on September 18, 2008, 11:20:39 PM
But I cant even let anyone around me know they would be totally shocked and think I was nuts. Also my family constantly looks to me for help and support in just about everything(this is extended family as well-alot of people) so I do what I can for them. So I guess Im trapped.

This is something you'll have to think through: if you feel you are trapped, eventually the need to break free becomes overwhelming. It may be possible for you to stay about where you are, but not on those terms -- you need several heart-to-heart discussions at least with yourself, to see what your emotional needs and priorities really are. I'd hazard the opinion that you also owe it to your wife to let her into this before you come to any binding conclusions. Not necessarily right now, though.

Of course this is just my view, so take it with a grain or two of salt. Still, a year and a half ago I was just about where you are now (except for the plural in 'kids'), and by now I'm pretty sure I'm well on my way towards a viable long-term solution that doesn't involve either my being trapped or our family breaking up.

Good luck, and welcome.

  Nfr

nope you arnt nuts.

I just want to echo what everyone is saying and whatnot.

I too was married and kept saying "if i wasnt married i'd start transitioning.. but.." etc etc.  Now i dont have kids so.. taht helps too.

Anyway, it got to the point of me trying to be 'strong' was just driving me deeper into depression and i realized that i could either take my chances and tell my wife, or i could hold it in and just sabatoge my relationship from the inside.. or wrap my car around a telephone pole.  THe last two options didnt seem very good to me, so i told my wife, and lo and behold she accepted it and things are moving forward.

its hard... but figuring yourself out is a good thing

Quote from: Windrider on September 19, 2008, 07:24:36 AM

Quote from: coolJ on September 18, 2008, 11:45:49 PM
They wouldnt just be surprised some would be downright devestated including my wife. And I cant put myself over her-I guess thats the woman in me thats pretty selfless. I had a great selfless mom like that and Im proud to follow suite. As far as my desires I realize Im pretty much screwed but at least Ive got an outlet now. Just talking about this is giving me peace and right now thats what I need-peace and clarity. And your also right about friends who'll stick by you no matter what. Those are real freinds! :angel:

Hi, coolJ! Welcome to Susan's :)

I'm going to assume the quoted paragraph above was written by you and not findngreason. If I'm wrong, please let me know. OK.

I would like to say that just because you're married does not mean your marriage will fall apart should you decide to transition. I can tell you from experience that while it is possible for you to "hide" eventually someone will either find out or you will realize you just can't go on being male anymore. My partner, Danielle, went through this and at nearly 34, realized she could no longer be 'male' anymore. You are correct that it will be a shock for everyone. However, you also don't need to tell everyone at once, like some big announcement.

I would at least talk with your wife about how you feel. Seriously. If your marriage is going to survive transition, your wife will need to be with you every step of the way.  Marriages do survive transition (there are a few people on the boards here who are still together after everything. Happily too!) Dani and I hope to add to that tally (and so far the prognosis is good :) ) The above mentioned therapy is a good place for you to start, and perhaps get a perspective on how to approach your wife. I would also check to see if your therapist will do couple's sessions.

You said in another post that you feel trapped because people depend on you. You can be a dependable female you know ;)

Many hugs!

WR

P.S. If I've wandered too far from the SO's realm, please let me know. I just thought an SO's point of view here might be helpful :)

      Yes that was my quote and thanks to all for the great advice and comfort I really need it right now. And I know I could be a really dependable female cause thats what I am inside! I have come to the realization that this is the truth and I feel great about it but I still cant bring myself to tell my wife yet. And I probably cant transition anyway because of money issues. :(
My girls gotta go to college and such and right now I'm selling equipment because my business is so slow for the first time in 20 years. And it is getting unbearable Im at a loss at what Im gonna do but I am an ultimate optimist so I know this will eventually turn out good!  :D

Posted on: September 19, 2008, 05:28:35 PM

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I also wanted to know why in a reletively short time I almost totally lost the ability to fool myself and does this happen often? Also the urge to put my wifes clothes on is almost unstoppable(the strech stuff only) Is this because of mid life crisis too? Please bear with me because Im sure these are naieve questions but I really do appretiate the help! :) I hope someday I can be the one to help somebody only time will tell.  :)

Posted on: September 19, 2008, 07:01:25 PM

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I forgot to ask why Im still strongly attracted to women ? Does this change after transition? Thanks to all for your patience. :embarrassed:

Quote from: coolJ on September 19, 2008, 07:06:15 PM
I also wanted to know why in a reletively short time I almost totally lost the ability to fool myself and does this happen often? Also the urge to put my wifes clothes on is almost unstoppable(the strech stuff only) Is this because of mid life crisis too? Please bear with me because Im sure these are naieve questions but I really do appretiate the help! :) I hope someday I can be the one to help somebody only time will tell.  :)

That depends on the individual. In some cases it can be a burning need right from the get go, and you know early on that something is different, exactly what that is, and that you have to do something about it. But at other times it can be like a volcano erupting, for years the magma of feeling that something isn't right builds up and builds up, little clues and thoughts invading the mind like escaping bursts of hot gases... until eventually the pressure becomes too great and the self-image of physical/recieved gender erupts in an explosion of self-awareness and acceptance of the core/percieved gender.

As for the cross dressing, it may just be a desire to express externally the feelings you have internally, your femininity and womanliness. You have this realisation, but no way to channel it... what other way than to desire to dress in the apparel of the gender you percieve yourself to be? Nothing unusual in that, honey. :)

Self denial is a sturdy cage. And the effort taken to release yourself from it can affect a lot of momentum once you're out.

QuoteI forgot to ask why Im still strongly attracted to women ? Does this change after transition? Thanks to all for your patience. :embarrassed:

Not necessarily. Physical/sexual attraction isn't linked to gender identity. You may be a straight guy externally but a gay girl internally. There's nothing wrong with that, and your attraction to women doesn't make your feelings of being one any less real or valid because you may think that being a woman means you have to be attracted to men. It doesn't work that way.

Nothing wrong with being gay, honey. *smiles* It doesn't change who you are as a person. So you're a gay woman, welcome to the club. *hugs*

Quote from: coolJ on September 19, 2008, 07:06:15 PM
      Yes that was my quote and thanks to all for the great advice and comfort I really need it right now. And I know I could be a really dependable female cause thats what I am inside! I have come to the realization that this is the truth and I feel great about it but I still cant bring myself to tell my wife yet. And I probably cant transition anyway because of money issues. :(

My girls gotta go to college and such and right now I'm selling equipment because my business is so slow for the first time in 20 years. And it is getting unbearable Im at a loss at what Im gonna do but I am an ultimate optimist so I know this will eventually turn out good!  :D

Well, I can't help with the kids since we don't have any. Sorry! But I do understand the finances being tough :( A good attitude does help though :) By the way, slow transition paces are good for SO's ;)

Quote from: coolJ on September 19, 2008, 07:06:15 PM
Posted on: September 19, 2008, 05:28:35 PM

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I also wanted to know why in a reletively short time I almost totally lost the ability to fool myself and does this happen often? Also the urge to put my wifes clothes on is almost unstoppable(the strech stuff only) Is this because of mid life crisis too? Please bear with me because Im sure these are naieve questions but I really do appretiate the help! :) I hope someday I can be the one to help somebody only time will tell.  :)

To me that says the days of hiding are getting shorter. As for a mid-life crisis, I don't know, only you and a therapist could tell for sure. I'd say it doesn't sound like it, but that's just my opinion. I also would NOT recommend giving into the desire to wear your wife's clothes. (Yes, I know that can be very hard.) The reason is that she will most likely find out sometime and the resulting explosion will probably not be pretty. I don't know about other women, but I know I have issues about that...the best way I can describe it is a "violation of space". Then you also have the "secrecy" of the act which runs into "trust" issues (keeping secrets is bad for marriages.) Stuff like this is the reason we're recommending you talk to you wife *before* doing much more than therapy. Dani's therapist told her that of the couples she's worked with, the ones where the spouse *wants* to be involved in their partner's transition tend to be the ones that stay together. Just some food for thought.

Quote from: coolJ on September 19, 2008, 07:06:15 PM
Posted on: September 19, 2008, 07:01:25 PM

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I forgot to ask why Im still strongly attracted to women ? Does this change after transition? Thanks to all for your patience. :embarrassed:

Well, not as far as I know. Danielle is still attracted to me :) Others who are farther along on their journeys may have more input though.

*hugs*

WR

Hi Cool,

Welcome to our little family. Over  2024 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion. Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers.  Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now.  And it is always nice to have another sister.

And you have voiced what could be very close to many of our lives.  I got to the point that it was transition or die and I am 54.  My wife and are not together anymore and I know the pain of losing her.  I am happier now being me and maybe she and I will be friends again.

Janet

Quote from: Leiandra on September 19, 2008, 07:28:41 PM

Quote from: coolJ on September 19, 2008, 07:06:15 PM
I also wanted to know why in a reletively short time I almost totally lost the ability to fool myself and does this happen often? Also the urge to put my wifes clothes on is almost unstoppable(the strech stuff only) Is this because of mid life crisis too? Please bear with me because Im sure these are naieve questions but I really do appretiate the help! :) I hope someday I can be the one to help somebody only time will tell.  :)

That depends on the individual. In some cases it can be a burning need right from the get go, and you know early on that something is different, exactly what that is, and that you have to do something about it. But at other times it can be like a volcano erupting, for years the magma of feeling that something isn't right builds up and builds up, little clues and thoughts invading the mind like escaping bursts of hot gases... until eventually the pressure becomes too great and the self-image of physical/recieved gender erupts in an explosion of self-awareness and acceptance of the core/percieved gender.

As for the cross dressing, it may just be a desire to express externally the feelings you have internally, your femininity and womanliness. You have this realisation, but no way to channel it... what other way than to desire to dress in the apparel of the gender you percieve yourself to be? Nothing unusual in that, honey. :)

Self denial is a sturdy cage. And the effort taken to release yourself from it can affect a lot of momentum once you're out.

QuoteI forgot to ask why Im still strongly attracted to women ? Does this change after transition? Thanks to all for your patience. :embarrassed:

Not necessarily. Physical/sexual attraction isn't linked to gender identity. You may be a straight guy externally but a gay girl internally. There's nothing wrong with that, and your attraction to women doesn't make your feelings of being one any less real or valid because you may think that being a woman means you have to be attracted to men. It doesn't work that way.

Nothing wrong with being gay, honey. *smiles* It doesn't change who you are as a person. So you're a gay woman, welcome to the club. *hugs*


First and formost I want to thank you.Everything you wrote feels like me and I have absolutely no problem with being a gay woman. In fact when I read that I feel really great and right despite being a Catholic. Secondly when I began reading this post I started trembling almost uncontrolably. It took me 10 minutes to finally read your post then I had to log off and I trembled for about an hour almost not being able to stand. I really dont think Im crazy so Ive got to ask if this is normal too?  ???I have a 4 year college degree so Im not some kind of imbecile. I just want to know what you think of this. As I said before Ive played my role well so I got in a fighting stance and almost couldnt stand-I dont drink or take drugs, physically I am very healthy so I know Im not halucinating and if Im creeping anyone out Im sorry but thats whats been going on Im just being honest. And Im happy to be part of your family and thanks again for all your warm welcomes! Hugs back! :D

Dearest CoolJ - I have a fantastic life. My wife is incredible. My young children are 10 and 11 years old and are marvelous. Money is not a problem. But my life is hell. I cannot move beyond my own selfishness to hurt them. So I suffer daily. Sorry, I'm drunk and full of meds. Oh well.

Posted on: September 19, 2008, 11:27:48 PM

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Sorry for this post. My computer is running out of battery. I'm Ok and just going to bed. Thank you all.

Quote from: KylieLuv on September 19, 2008, 11:37:38 PM
Dearest CoolJ - I have a fantastic life. My wife is incredible. My young children are 10 and 11 years old and are marvelous. Money is not a problem. But my life is hell. I cannot move beyond my own selfishness to hurt them. So I suffer daily. Sorry, I'm drunk and full of meds. Oh well.

Posted on: September 19, 2008, 11:27:48 PM

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Sorry for this post. My computer is running out of battery. I'm Ok and just going to bed. Thank you all.

Wow, I know exactly what you mean! Im with you in spirit!

QuoteFirst and formost I want to thank you.Everything you wrote feels like me and I have absolutely no problem with being a gay woman. In fact when I read that I feel really great and right despite being a Catholic. Secondly when I began reading this post I started trembling almost uncontrolably. It took me 10 minutes to finally read your post then I had to log off and I trembled for about an hour almost not being able to stand. I really dont think Im crazy so Ive got to ask if this is normal too?  ???I have a 4 year college degree so Im not some kind of imbecile. I just want to know what you think of this. As I said before Ive played my role well so I got in a fighting stance and almost couldnt stand-I dont drink or take drugs, physically I am very healthy so I know Im not halucinating and if Im creeping anyone out Im sorry but thats whats been going on Im just being honest. And Im happy to be part of your family and thanks again for all your warm welcomes! Hugs back!

Don't worry about whether any of this is 'normal', honey. *hugs* It is what it is, and you are who you are. You are in no way crazy or an imbecile... from what I've seen, you're a woman who's only just coming to terms with who she is... and that can be a bombshell to rival Hiroshima.

Take it slowly, and take a few deep breaths to get your bearings. Knowing yourself is one of the most liberating things you can achieve, and also one of the scariest. And that can be a physical sensation as well as mental.

I know the euphoric feeling you're talking about. I had it when I first came here, too. It's called resonance, sweetie. Identification, a feeling of belonging. Not too bad, is it? ;)

Just let it flow, honey. There's nothing 'wrong' with you at all. Take some time to explore your feelings. You don't have to say anything to anyone until you're ready, or not, whatever you feel is best in your situation. But you can take all the time you need to contemplate yourself, who you see yourself as, and what that means to you. :)

Quote from: Leiandra on September 20, 2008, 12:48:18 AM

QuoteFirst and formost I want to thank you.Everything you wrote feels like me and I have absolutely no problem with being a gay woman. In fact when I read that I feel really great and right despite being a Catholic. Secondly when I began reading this post I started trembling almost uncontrolably. It took me 10 minutes to finally read your post then I had to log off and I trembled for about an hour almost not being able to stand. I really dont think Im crazy so Ive got to ask if this is normal too?  ???I have a 4 year college degree so Im not some kind of imbecile. I just want to know what you think of this. As I said before Ive played my role well so I got in a fighting stance and almost couldnt stand-I dont drink or take drugs, physically I am very healthy so I know Im not halucinating and if Im creeping anyone out Im sorry but thats whats been going on Im just being honest. And Im happy to be part of your family and thanks again for all your warm welcomes! Hugs back!

Don't worry about whether any of this is 'normal', honey. *hugs* It is what it is, and you are who you are. You are in no way crazy or an imbecile... from what I've seen, you're a woman who's only just coming to terms with who she is... and that can be a bombshell to rival Hiroshima.

Take it slowly, and take a few deep breaths to get your bearings. Knowing yourself is one of the most liberating things you can achieve, and also one of the scariest. And that can be a physical sensation as well as mental.

I know the euphoric feeling you're talking about. I had it when I first came here, too. It's called resonance, sweetie. Identification, a feeling of belonging. Not too bad, is it? ;)

Just let it flow, honey. There's nothing 'wrong' with you at all. Take some time to explore your feelings. You don't have to say anything to anyone until you're ready, or not, whatever you feel is best in your situation. But you can take all the time you need to contemplate yourself, who you see yourself as, and what that means to you. :)

Your the best Leiandra! I cant thank you enough for helping me. And yep the resonance felt great I was just scared I guess cause Im not used to it. And Im actually surprised my wife dosent have any intuition on me at all. It might just be the busy schedual she keeps because shes a great mom and daughter and wife but Im thinking she really wont believe or understand me on purpose because she's a very fearful person.As far as contemplating this has been consuming my thoughts almost every minute! Ive got to be the worlds greatest actress and hider. I also cant believe Ive gotten away with this this long I must hold the record or something.
Right now Im going to keep the truth hidden but maybe someday I'll really get to be who I am inside-just thinking that makes me feel awesome!And I really want to share this with my wife but I know she would not be able to handle it right now. :( Its really getting hard to look at my body too, Im usually an upbeat person but lately thats really been depressing me. Another problem is my wife loves the way I look and I hate it! Id really be an ugly woman and that bothers me too. But Im going to end this on a positive note and that is Im joyful and happy for everybody here who was able to be who they really are. :laugh:Im extremely happy for all of you-yay and many hugs! :D :D

Posted on: September 20, 2008, 01:31:56 AM

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Oh yeah more good news because I hate to make anyone down and this may be silly but one great thing about my body is I have no visable adams apple! :D My feet are a 10(too big) but my hands both have the same size ring and forfinger and are only slightly bigger than my wifes hands! She is a knockout by the way!  ;) :D :So as trapped and crappy as I might feel hiding I still have a lot to be happy for. If I could only be me Id have it all!!! :D Well I hope this cheers some up anyway!

There are more like you, and in similar circumstances, than you can imagine.

To grow up behaving as a male to please ones parents, then continue in the role as a husband and then father, is painfully all too common.  You are NOT alone.

Many find comfort in being as feminine as can be only when the chance permits--when the wife is out of town, say, or when you're travelling away from home.  These temporary and fleeting times are rewarding and comforting, and, if they last long enough, are difficult to come out of, and back to the act of being the good man, the role life has cast you in--and a role you cannot withdraw from easily.

Honor and integrity to oneself are funny things.  And yet, at what cost?  To steal little secret moments of being female, with scandle if caught?

You are fighting a familiar and painful fight to many of us.  I'm afraid there are no easy answers, but to be comfortable in ones own skin----however modified that skin may be from time, HRT, FFS, etc.---is not to be underestimated.

Just my 2 cents...

Hi cool, I guess I am a mite tardy huh, well it's better late the never they say. First I want to welcome you to Susan's here as well and I do pray that we will cross paths again soon. Ah, by the way you are quite right about Leiandra. She's precious that one got a good heart and she cares.

If there is anyway I can help as well, to be certain I will be around here somewhere. Me well I'm I am 62 years old had three children of my own but my ex and the rest of the family I guess just decided to pretend I'm a ghost, yea Casper's sister. Oh well that's in the past. I been living as Cindy for coming on to 9 years now and I have a partner so I am not alone.

Have a wonderful morning and I do pray that all will work out for you.

Cindy

Thanks for the welcome everyone. I really appretiate the advice. I think I might get a therapist for this and maybe try and tell my wife. Ever since I acknowledged the truth its been getting almost dehibilitating for me to even function. I really just wanted to take it slow and let it go where it goes on its own but yesterday I almost blacked out while driving my truck! Its getting apparent that I cant handle this. Ive never been like this my entire life. To be honest Ive always been the strongest in my circle and looked upon for support and help. Now I'm getting a humbling wake up call I guess but I cant even turn to my wife who I need the most right now.  :( Her mom is sick and the family would probably not be too understanding. Its just amazing nobody I know has a clue about this! Is there any reason to have blackouts and shakes and is theyre any supplements I can take to control this? The thing that really sucks is the one freind I have that would accept me is very sick and I cant put anything more on him now. I hate not knowing what to do and the situation Im in but its funny when I think of trying to deny the desire to be woman It makes me sick to my stomach and I cant even think it. I wouldnt want that ever even if I have to stay in this body for the rest of my life I would rather suffer knowing Im a woman inside than otherwise. I just wish I could control the shakes and phaze outs. Ill let you all know how it goes. Its just flipin amazing how on one hand I'm not scarred of just about anything but on the other losing my wife and family just terrifies me. Not being myself makes me just plain sick. Iwish I was in a unique situation because I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy. :(

Hi coolJ hon It is not a sign weakness although it might appear to be that way. I will describe briefly for you. This phenomena that is labeled as GID is quit capable of taking Paul Bunyan by the hand and making him get on his knees and say mommy then take up to wearing very large skirts.  Well sometimes I kind of like using cartoon like character to use as an illustration. I hope you don't mind a bit of humor.

Seeing a therapist makes for a truly useful plan hon, A gender therapist is the best qualified for helping anyone suffering from GID.

Cindy

Hello and welcome to Susans, coolJ. 

Definitely get a therapist.  Dealing with GID in a proper manner is likely as out of your experience as it was for me.  A therapist can provide a lot of support and help you figure out who you are.  Plus the therapist can help you plan for and deal with issues related to coming out. 

And no, I wouldn't wish this on anyone either, not even my worst enemy.

Val

it took me over a year to finally come out to my wife.  It was a very long and painful process.  I literally made myself sick to my stomach... like my stomach tried to eat itself.  I had this upset stomach for over a year, saw countless doctors, missed a lot of work, etc etc, and am only NOW starting to return to normal.  All this because of the stress, the GID, the worrying about my family, my wife, whether or not i can actually do this, the depression, etc etc.

Its amazing how much better i feel now.  My mother (who does not know) has commented on how much happier ive been sounding on the phone and everything.  So its noticeable :)

I dont think Im going to be able to stand another week of this. Im in some serious trouble. Im gonna have to find a therapist in secret and thats not gonna be easy. And my wife wont stay married to me if I do what I want to. I dont know why I cant just live with this in the background anymore. Im fleepin ruined and its my own fault.Paul bunion is crying mommy mommy. My strength is waining and I cant believe this is happening-it went from pretty good to almost dead. I gotta do something yet Icant this is just great...

Hi CoolJ

I was in your shoes a few years ago.  Well I was devorced from a first marriage, but had a new SO and my Kids too.  I thought I would just not tansistion.   Well we all know how that worked out.  I found that I was transistioning while still in denial. My SO Did leave me, but we're actually still friends.  My Kids are fine with me (13,16 and 17) for which I'm truely thankful.  My southern Baptist aunts, well, while they don't understand it, I'm still family. 

It is really hard and scary and we where jusborn that way.  Life after transistion is possible, though not the same life as before.

Be brave, and what ever you decide, we at susan's have been there done that. 

Hang in there

Beni

The problem is im 19 years married in october. I love my wife more than anything and I cant bear to lose her.But this feeling is almost uncontrolable damn. Ive gotta up my life insurance I think. I wanna be positive but . Sorry thanks for your advice I do appretiate it.

Quote from: coolJ on September 21, 2008, 08:42:38 PM
I dont think Im going to be able to stand another week of this. Im in some serious trouble. Im gonna have to find a therapist in secret and thats not gonna be easy. And my wife wont stay married to me if I do what I want to. I dont know why I cant just live with this in the background anymore. Im fleepin ruined and its my own fault.Paul bunion is crying mommy mommy. My strength is waining and I cant believe this is happening-it went from pretty good to almost dead. I gotta do something yet Icant this is just great...

I don't want to be a buzz kill, but the bottom line is this.....you have to tell your wife....and immediately. It may not be the best time, but select the best available time as possible, and tell her that you are having these feelings. Tell her that it is causing you significant anxiety, and you want to see a therapist.  You don't need to say at this point you want to change genders ...just that you want to talk to a therapist about these feelings that are causing you anxiety. If she wants to leave you already at this point, you have to decide right then, do I want to be with someone that isn't even concerned that I have an issue that is causing significant anxiety?

If you see a therapist behind your wife's back you are violating her trust.  This is far worse and will be far more damaging to the relationship in the long run.  Even if you determine that you don't have GID and you were just "going through a phase", if your wife discovers after the fact that you went to a therapist behind her back, she is going to feel betrayed.  You would not want to be kept in the dark if your wife was dealing with a significant personal issue....don't keep her in the dark about yours.

Best of luck, and I will keep my fingers crossed for you....just know that many of us have gone down this very road and we know what your going through.

I'm 34, I've only been in transition for 4 or 6 months (or 24 years, depends on your point of view) , heck I'm not even on HRT yet.  (hopefully later this week though!).
But I was married, and my ex is extremely supportive.  I'm glad I didn't have kids, it simplifies things, but I found I couldn't role play a guy anymore no matter what the little danglie thing down there said.  Once I admitted it to me, my whole past lined up and I could have smacked myself like the v-8 commercial.  Now I find support all around me.  I really think attitude helps.  When I'm looking for/expecting people to be kind and supportive, and I value myself enough to not let my fears be in the way of self honesty, I find other people adapt to change pretty well.  If I'm ashamed and downcast going into something, it nearly always flubs.

Posted on: September 21, 2008, 10:10:46 PM

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Ack, didn't finish.
     Rigorous honesty will save you lots of pain down the road.  I tried to hide it from everyone.  I tried the chameleon act, I ended up fetal in a white room on the psych floor of St. Joseph's.   My little dishonesties meant to save my friends and family from pain wound up like hooks with barbs.  When I did get honest, the lies hurt everyone, and hurt me too.  I know it can seem like the end of the world, like you are trapped and if you come out everything in your life falls apart, and if you stay where you are you die.  I don't think those emotions are unfamiliar to any of us.  Try to find a good therapist, and don't be afraid to fire them until you find one that you can develop a good relationship with.  It's vital that you trust your therapist enough to be honest down to the core.  As for others in your life, I wish I'd taken the pain of honesty over the pain of a long hurtful reveal.  And still, after all was said and done, I found it was much easier than my fears had led me to believe it could be.

welcome coolj!!! :-*

CoolJ,
I am not far from where you are.  I have been married for 25 years next June.  I have three children and my youngest son (19) leaves for boot camp today.  I don't want to do anything that will hurt my relationship with my family.

I, however had been secreatly been expressing my need to be a woman any chance I got.  I talked my wife into dressing me from time to time through the years when we had sex as though it was just having some fun.

About a year ago, I told her of my real desires to become a woman while camping.  let me tell you, that was the hardest thing I have ever done.  After us both crying and talking for hours, she said she would support me.  On some level I think she will support me but on others, i'm not so sure.  On out last camping trip, I was able to dress appropiately including mak-up for several days with her assistance.  She even is asking me if I like a particular dress for me while we shop for her.

Anyway, my fist appointment with a tharapist is in two days and I can't sit still thinking about it.  It's just liberating thinking that I am moving forward to whever this take me.

Andi