Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm so sorry I haven't been on guys, I've been having the worst time lately, esp. today.  I know I keep saying I'm going to get on here more again, but I'm just so busy trying to stay out of the house.

I'm tearing up for about the 200th time today as I type this.  I was okay with me and my boyfriend's break up for the first week, because we talked a lot and we were good friends.  Then, the past 3 days I was having strong feelings for him again.  I was going to call him and tell him every thing last night and his phone was off. Which is WEIRD because his phone is never off. I figured it died while he was at work, so he'd call me when he got home.

It's been off all day.  If I know him at all, I may never talk to him again.  He moved away for the summer and will most likely stay there, change his number and I'll never be able to contact him.  It's too hard for him to deal with it, so he's just going to cut me off "cold turkey."  I can't handle it guys.  I've cried over and over today.  It's been pathetic.  Plus, I'm having BAD financial problems which my father could easily solve, but my stupid breast-implanted stepmom (who doesn't have a job or anything) won't let him.  Of course, he picks her over me :(

I'm under SO much stress today and this was the one day I needed my now ex boyfriend most, and he's not there for me. And I may never hear from him again, at least for a long time. My head is throbbing and pounding from all the crying I have done today, my eyes are swollen, this is awful guys.  I just can't take not being with him :( I love him more than anything in the world.  The fact that he may do this to me and leave me hanging without any closure kills me.

I'm sorry I complain so much and always need help but you guys seem to help the most.  Thanks.

First of all, don't ever be sorry for expressing yourself and getting your thoughts out about how you feel, honey. We're all here to support each other and help each other through whatever problems we encounter in our lives.

*big hug*

It's better you get them out here, Brady, than keep everything bottled up inside, and have the support of your friends and those who care about you here. You're not alone, and you don't have to suffer alone, honey.

Emotional ties are hard things to let go of, I know, and love is something that never truly goes away even if you want it to. *extra hug* I'm not going to tell you why you did the right thing with what you did, because that won't matter when you're feeling the way you are now, sweetie.

But one thing I will say is... I know you love him, honey, but you don't need him as much as you think you do. Being with someone, giving yourself to them, can sometimes lead to us feeling like we'll be lost without them and they are the only people in the world that can make everything all right... because we're so used to them doing that, and relying on their strength... that we can forget about our own strength.

You can get through this, Brady. You're a strong guy. Look inside yourself, look for that spark of determination that you had when you left to strike out on your own path, when you said to yourself "I know who I am, and I know what I want in life". It's still there, honey, it always will be.

I know it hurts, and it will do for a while. But you can get through it and make your life the way you want it to be. Hang in there, honey. *hugs* You have my support, my love, and my hope that you feel better soon.

*hands you some tissues*

It's okay to let it out, you know. It won't be like this forever, honey.

Although your post made me tear up, I think it's happier tears. 

I look forward to the day where I can be independent but as for now, it just hurts  :'(  You are right.  I have convinced myself that he's the only thing in the world that makes every thing alright.  This would be so much easier if I were back home, with my family and friends.  But, I'm completely alone.  Not a friend in the world here.  Just my Susan's people and who talk to on the phone back home.

Thank you so much for your support, babe.  You are amazing.  *hugs back*

What about that four legged furry friend of yours?

I found out my pet deposit was $650.00.  RIDICULOUS.  Couldn't afford the pet deposit :(

However, my sister just adopted a dog, but can't afford it anymore so my mom is keeping it for me until I get there.  He's very well behaved, house broken and only 11 months old. But I get him in December, sigh.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi121.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fo235%2Fleerebelmichelle%2FBronx.jpg&hash=1508883ce863c8e583f2eb4fe042dcca502e9379)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi121.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fo235%2Fleerebelmichelle%2Fbronx2.jpg&hash=9ec370c665021730ba0f6800fe12be3f9582c9be)

His eyes went a little weird in that second one lol darn flash.

I think it's extremely apt that you used the term "cold turkey" in your post. Being in love is like being addicted. So now you're going through withdrawal. It hurts like hell, I know.

Brady, you go right on crying. Don't bottle it up like I used to do. Starting around Labor Day, I went into a three-week crying jag. While I was in the middle of it, I was sort of ashamed because I had practically no self-control, but the waterworks just went on and on.

Now that I've gotten past that, I realize how necessary it was to work through all of my stuff. It just kept coming. I thought it would never end.

But it did--and now I feel much better.

You will, too.

My eyes seriously hurt.  You guys are actually starting to convince me that I can get through this  :)

I'm here man. Never had a tough break up like that, so no advice really but my heart goes out to you.
Pm me anytime.

Quote from: Brady on September 26, 2008, 07:43:52 PM
My eyes seriously hurt.  You guys are actually starting to convince me that I can get through this  :)

That's because you can. ;) You have more strength inside you than you realise; you have a good heart, and the resolve in your soul to do anything you want to do. This is, as Arch said, only temporary. There is a light at the end of this tunnel, sweetie. Just keep taking one step at a time and you'll move forward towards it. Even if you stumble sometimes; get back up, lift your head, and say "I can do this. I will do this." *hugs*

And that dog is soooo cute! :D

My inbox is always open, too, honey, if you ever need to vent. You're not alone, Brady. No matter how much it may feel like that. You never will be. :)

Just when I think I can get over it, a song comes on or anything it starts all over :(

But thank you, that dog was going to be put to sleep if he wasn't adopted :(

Oh no! I'm so glad he has a home, he is beautiful!

Stealth

i had a really bad relationship and breakup once... where i did all the bending and trying and it was never good enough. a guy who disrespected my gender issues. eventually i stopped bending and told this guy it was my turn... when we broke up i literally did not sleep but maybe 2 hours/night for 2 weeks.

all i can say is that once i was able to quit grieving, my life was nine million times better... and i met a guy who supports me no matter what.

I have no deep insightful lengthy post to offer you but plenty of manhugs if wanted. :D

u got all of us here bro. u aint on ur own! :) :) :)

Quote from: iFindMeHere on September 26, 2008, 10:17:35 PM
i had a really bad relationship and breakup once... where i did all the bending and trying and it was never good enough. a guy who disrespected my gender issues. eventually i stopped bending and told this guy it was my turn... when we broke up i literally did not sleep but maybe 2 hours/night for 2 weeks.

all i can say is that once i was able to quit grieving, my life was nine million times better... and i met a guy who supports me no matter what.

The hard part is, my boyfriend COMPLETELY accepted me.  It's almost like he wanted a gay FTM.  He loved every thing about it.  I think I'm scared I won't find anyone else who is that accepting AND funny, nice, and attractive.

Hugs to everyone. Thanks so much everybody.  I am feeling much better this morning.  I'm still upset over my financial problems but as for him, I've moved from sad to pissed that he left me hanging like that...which is I'm sure what he intended. 

PS - Is there any way crying can make you go blind? I can't see this morning!  Like not blurry, but its like part of my eyes are "blocked out" and it's really hard to read and type when part of it's missing.  I know that was hard to explain but I tried lol

Quote from: Brady on September 26, 2008, 07:43:52 PM
My eyes seriously hurt.  You guys are actually starting to convince me that I can get through this  :)

Brady dude I have told you, if you need to chat talk to me. It is wierd that your ex has turned his phone off.. I have been through all of this with my ex. All you need do is know that you have all of us to talk to.. it will feel like you have nothing left and nothing is worth doing without them but it does go. Try and concentrate on the fact of how bad things where..

**BIG BEAR HUG**

Well the great American philosopher Neil Sedaka said "Breaking up is hard to do."  And darn if Neil wasn't right on the money with that one.  It is hard, it takes time to get out of things just like it took time to get into them in the first place.  For a while everything reminds of something and it is bittersweet at best.  And its also sort of dumb in a cute way, getting kinda misty passing 'your favorite burrito place' and then one day you tell yourself that its kinda dumb (but in a cute way) to be getting misty about a burrito place, and anyway the other day you finally got to go to another burrito place, and damn if they didn't have better burritos.  Something like that.

Lol Tekla, your post made me smile a lot.  Simply because it made a lot of sense :)

Hey, I'm sorry to hear about everything you've been going through.
I hope you're feeling better.

I'm here for you if you ever need anything.

I'm usually on late so if there's ever a night you can't sleep or something.

=]

Dear Brady:

O, I do so hate it when something makes me cry, even something as predictable as the end of love's proximity. Hope that stays away from me, else I'll just have to find you so we can weep together!! :)

Ya know, don't be ashamed of your tears and feelings: too many men are and have been and never manage to hold it all together for eternity that way. There's a reason we women live longer, we have permission to be emotional and caring.

Well, so do guys, if they manage to realize just how much BS is involved in the "stiff-upper lip" trope they like to walk around emulating!

Like tekla said, the burrito-joint down the street may just have the world's best burritos and you've never eaten one, yet. :) (Quite a metaphor, tekla!)

Anyhow, Brady, touch and soothe your grief, dear. The shame would be, seems to me, for you not to do that, to fake a semblance of not caring and "strength." Ever notice how in a huge windstorm the strongest trees lose limbs and sometimes even blow all the way to the ground and the grass just moves one way and then another and rarely are huge swathes of it ripped from the earth?

People should learn their commonalities with grass to be healthy. :icon_hug:

Nichole

No, I was thinking more of the couples thing that "oh that OUR Mexican place, or that where we go for fish" or whatever.  And, as a couple you keep going back to the same places, because they are to a degree 'your' place.  When you break up, you get to try new burrito joints.  That's all.

Quote from: Brady on September 27, 2008, 07:46:57 AM

Quote from: iFindMeHere on September 26, 2008, 10:17:35 PM
i had a really bad relationship and breakup once... where i did all the bending and trying and it was never good enough. a guy who disrespected my gender issues. eventually i stopped bending and told this guy it was my turn... when we broke up i literally did not sleep but maybe 2 hours/night for 2 weeks.

all i can say is that once i was able to quit grieving, my life was nine million times better... and i met a guy who supports me no matter what.

The hard part is, my boyfriend COMPLETELY accepted me.

*raises his hand* I call shenanigans! I read earlier that you did all the trying and that. It's great that he supported you in your transition, but if you had to do all the bending (and I don't mean bending over) then he didn't accept you As A Person, which is coequally important to any trans issues in the relationship.

Quote from: Brady on September 27, 2008, 07:46:57 AM
PS - Is there any way crying can make you go blind? I can't see this morning!  Like not blurry, but its like part of my eyes are "blocked out" and it's really hard to read and type when part of it's missing.  I know that was hard to explain but I tried lol

eyestrain maybe?

:icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug:

Hang in there Brady! It WILL get better! Break-ups really suck but I don't think you can really get through life without them happening here and there. Everytime It's happened to me a new person comes along and is 100% improvement over the last. I'm guessing somebody new is waiting just around the corner...Camden

Oh I meant just accepted my ->-bleeped-<-.  I had to put in all the work yeah, but as for FTM, he accepted it.

Thanks again everyone :) I'm trying as hard as I can.  I think in time I'll feel better.  But like I said, it SUCKS that I'm so alone in this dumb down.  I'm moving back in December to family and friends

Quote from: Brady on September 27, 2008, 03:16:37 PM
Oh I meant just accepted my ->-bleeped-<-.  I had to put in all the work yeah, but as for FTM, he accepted it.

that's a fundamental problem in a relationship and you deserve to be loved for who you are, not who someone wants you to be.

Quote from: Brady on September 27, 2008, 03:16:37 PM
Thanks again everyone :) I'm trying as hard as I can.  I think in time I'll feel better.  But like I said, it SUCKS that I'm so alone in this dumb down.  I'm moving back in December to family and friends

You'll make it. Just keep letting yourself grieve and keep doing whatcha gotta do. YAY MOVING BACK!