Susan's Place Transgender Resources

This is my first time here.  I am hoping to find some support or advice.  Someone who can shed some light and help me understand.

I am in love with a man who Crossdresses.  We met online 7 years ago and have been living together for nearly 3 years now.  I love him very much and he says he loves me very much.  I knew he was CD when we met.  He was very upfront and honest about that.  He dresses at home and sometimes he will go to the city where he can be with his friends and dress and I am supportive of that.  In the past I have gone with him as his femme self.  It is just not my comfort zone.  But I am fine if with it if he wants to go and enjoy time with her friends.

We get along great.  My family loves him.  His family feels the same about me and have all said they love the person he is now and told me he looks so great and seems so happy.  What is making me sad is that recently I discovered he is corresponding with someone who I think is another CDer and this person seems to have developed feelings for my BF.  And he is not doing anything to discourage this.  I feel heartbroken.  He made it sound like it was nothing.  Assured me that he loves ME.

Am I crazy to feel so hurt?  I don't think it is nothing.  Afterall it is how we met.  Well, I mean online.  This matters to me and I don't think he has a clue how much pain I am feeling right now.  Is it normal for other CD's to talk to one another this way????  Do they come to these support sites to express their feelings and it just develops into more?  But they don't act on it? Even his profile says he is single.  I don't know what to think.  I am just sitting here crying while he is at work tonight, hoping another SO can help me understand this.  Or is this just the beginning of the end????

My heart is breaking right now.  And I don't want to turn this into something more if it really is nothing.  I just feel so scared and empty. 

Is there anyone out there???

Good morning Rox.

I'm not an SO or CD but I can hear your pain and apprehension and just wanted to offer you a hug.

Hi Rox:

If you haven't read it yet, this I think is one of the best books for an SO of a CD:

My Husband Betty: Love, Sex, and Life with a Crossdresser (2003) - Helen Boyd * Amazon (http://www.amazon.com/dp/1560255153) * WorldCat (http://www.worldcat.org/oclc/53955619)

Most CD'er just want to cross-dress, but a minority want to go further.
Some want to have relationships with other men.
Others want to fully transition to a woman.
All I can advise is to keep the communication open.

It would bother me seeing the profile marked as "single". Many CD'er are proud of their wives.

Nero and Ranate,

Thank you for responding.  I definately feel the need for a hug.

It bothered me too about the profile.  I don't know if he wants to go further or if he just wants to know if the "possibility" is out there.  I am just very confused at this point.  He is so loving and affectionate with me today and it just does not make sense to me that he is allowing this person across the country to be flirtatious with him. 

Not only is it hurting me and our relationship together but it will hurt this other person too.  I mean if they think he has no one in his life and they allow this "crush" to develop into genuine feelings and THEN finds out he is not single .....Well then that person is now hurt.

I am not his wife.  Though he has asked me to marry him long ago.  I needed time to know how I could deal with his CDing, especially after we moved in together. Everyone asks all the time when we will marry.  They all just think we belong together and that we look like we have been together forever.  We are that comfortable as a couple.  He holds my hand when we walk down the street.  Still doing all those romantic gestures.  So I don't get it.  But when I see posts like this online to him from someone else it damages that trust we have.  It makes me insecure and feel betrayed.

We tell each other everyday, "I love you."  So it is not like he does not know or is lacking in the affection department.  So, yes, to see it say "Single" is painful.  Maybe I am being a fool.  Maybe he is not proud of me enough to say my GF is supportive of me and I appreciate and love her for accepting me for who I am.

I just ache...sigh...Thank you again, for responding.  I don't want to give up on us.  But that fracture in our trust has been created and I am just trying to stop it before it splits us in half.

Roxi

Hi Roxi,

My heart brakes for you Hon. I'm an older gal that has been dressing all my life. I've been married to my wife for almost 20 years. I told her right after we got together and she is the love of my life. The special thing that we have that no one else can have but us is the trust between us. Our road has been rocky at times over my desires but our trust in each other has never waned.

So for me, with what you shared, this has nothing to do with being a CD. It has to do with lost trust, which is the center of any relationship no matter what the genders or behaviors are. I think you need to sit down with him and confront him immediately about  him listing himself as single. I would further make it clear that listing himself like that is not acceptable to you and must stop immediately and forever or you will leave.

I know that sounds kind of harse. But I wouldn't think there is any room to negotiate trust without compromising your happiness. Trust is the only thing that makes a relationship special.

To me, you are an incredible woman for reaching out here. I wish you the best outcome to this difficult situation.

Sympathetically yours,

Christine

Thank you, Christine.  I am going to do just that.  I can not let it go nor can I let it escalate.  To be flirtatious is one thing but once it crosses that line and personal emails become exchanged away from the group.  Then it goes to another level.  One that once it becomes too personal is a very dangerous line to cross.  A risky one, whether you say it means nothing at all or not. 

My heart is hurt and this girl on the other coast is putting herself "out there" expressing her feelings to him.  Not realizing I am in the picture and he in fact is not single.  Unless that is what he wants to be.  That can be arranged.  Painfully, but, it can be.  Truly he thinks it is nothing, just words that go no where.  I am going to remind him that is how we started.   I had no intention of looking for anyone having just come out of a very painful breakup.  He just came into my life and we were drawn together.

From that online beginning we ended up here together creating a future several years later.  So, it may mean nothing to him, but everything to that woman on the East Coast.  In our relationship he pursued me.  He wanted to meet.  I was more skiddish.  Not ready and a huge huge safety girl!!! LOL  With NO intention of ever meeting someone I made friends with online.  About 2 years later it all became very real.  I could no longer deny my feelings and we met and have been together ever since.  Long distance at first and then I relocated across the country to be with him.

Being in my late 40's it was not a decision I made impulsively.  My family and friends are still stunned that I am gone.  But they all think he is great and know how happy he has made me.  And now, this has happened and I am worried, feel insecure and don't want to be niave again.  If something is starting to stir I want to know now and I want to know why.  Is it really nothing or is something missing that I am unaware of.  We can't work on our relationship if one of us has no idea something is wrong.  Though there has not been any indication that anything is wrong.  As I said he treats me well and loving and affectionate, we don't fight.  So, I need to understand what this all means.

Thank you for your support, all of you.  This truly helps.  I don't want to make more of this than what it actually is.  If I am overreacting then I will try to understand.  But, I will not be accepting of someone sending him "loving" emails.  That is way too much.  He needs to explain it to me how he can allow it and to her, so she understands he is not available.  (The other thing that bother's me is that "she" is CD (male) and I am biologically female.  Is he haveing interest in men now?) He see's them as online friends only.  He told me he does not know how she thought it meant anything more.  I think he needs to make it clear to her, period.  So then I can stop feeling hurt and insecure and thinking something is about to brew between them.

Thanks for the advice,
Roxi

Sweet Roxi,

The bottom line is that he is reresenting himself as single which in and of itself is a lie. I do not know him but that is just a simple, clear and indefefensible fact.

My life as a man, yuck, has taught me that men have only one thing on their mind. SEX. So if it looks like a duck, acts like a duck............it is a duck.

But hey, they can and will change if YOU set the the limits and make it clear that YOU will not tolerate that behaviour. Then he will have the option to keep YOU or continue on his quest for secret and exciting stimulation. You are real. The broad on the other coast is a fantasy at this point.

Just an old broad's perspective of the male species.

Hugs to you,

Christine

::nods::

It's a definite problem that he's listing himself as single.  The implications of that can be numerous.. and one of them is that people will relate to him as though he is single and up for grabs.  I don't know how he could think that wouldn't bother you.  You'd like to think that you mean enough to him that he'd want the whole world to know he's happily taken.. if that's not the case, it would raise alarms.

I think you should discuss this with him.  Don't be angry, don't accuse him of anything.. just let him know, that he's NOT single, and that him presenting himself as such makes you feel hurt and insecure.  That him humoring and encouraging other people's flirtatious behavior makes you feel hurt and insecure.  If he respects your feelings and cares as much about you as he says he does, he will respect your wishes and make some changes, even if only to make you feel better.  If not.. well.. :-\

I do think though that this doesn't really have to do with his crossdressing.  That's a completely separate thing.

Well, we talked yesterday.  I told him how I was feeling and how it hurt me that he would present himself as being single.  He said when he fills out a profile he doesn't give out much info in an effort to be private.  That he had no idea that would upset me so much and would change it.  Which he has done.  He also said he would let this admirer of his know that he is in a committed relationship.

So I do feel better after having a long talk and seeing that he did indeed change his status.  He also assured me how much he loves me and did not mean to hurt me.  Everything in me wants to believe him.  I know it is bad to hold onto doubt and suspicion.  I really love him and don't want to make more of this than it is.  So we shall see....

And see if this person on the east coast backs off.

Again thank you for all your advice.  It really has helped.

Roxi

Posted on: October 11, 2008, 01:30:56 am

---

Big  sigh....

Well, things have not been so good.  He definately changed his status to commited but he did not tell her about me.    She may think it was for her.  When  he  put it off I again asked him to do it.  He became angry that I just did not believe him that this meant nothing and he has not done anything wrong.  That he is here with me and that is what matters.  I think he just did not want to deal with it anymore.  Nor did he want to deal with her feelings either.

I was really hurt.  And he said he would just leave the site.  Which I think he has.  But that is not what I wanted.  Nor did I want to intentionally hurt this lady who has developed feelings for him.  She could be wondering what happened to him.  Why is he no longer posting....or answering her PM's.  Though I am also not so stupid as to think that she may be emailing him still.  He said he would block her.  To me that is also not nice to do to her.  I know I should probably not care about how this affects her.  That I should focus on us.  I can't help it.  It is who I am.  And, I don't want her trying to connect with him out here.  If she does not know about me, still, she may just think he left to join another site.  And will continue trying to communicate through his email.  Which of course is going to upset me.

This whole thing has just sort of sprung up with her in the last 3 weeks or so.  I sometimes come here to read and learn more about different views on CDing.  When I saw her post on one of these forums how she felt about him I was stunned.  I have never had a problem with his coming to these forums and posting anything.  He enjoys it and that is fine with me.  There was definately a change in her posting to him on here and that bothered me.  It wasn't until the personal email arrived that I was very hurt and confused and confronted him.  He deleted it after allowing me to look at it saying he had no idea why she misinterpreted his thoughts.  In reading his posts I did not see anything to indicate his encouraging a relationship.

I think many people here talk in an endearing way which is nice.  Seems, her admiration of his postings, grew into a crush and for whatever reason she declared it in print.  Which has caused me to feel something is going on.  Of course as I said she lives on the East Coast and  that is why he says NOTHING is going on and he has no interest in anything developing or anyone else coming into his life.

At this point I think she still has no idea about me.  I don't know for sure if communication has stopped or if he indeed did send her the letter he showed me he would send her.  Should I let it go?  Trust that he loves me as he says he does and this means nothing?  Am I making too much of this and need to just stop stressing about it and get back to the happy place we were in 3 weeks ago? 

After his harsh words he did apologize to me.  He did try to make it better.  Yet, I still feel bad.  We have never had an arguement like that in our entire relationship.  It of course is one I never want to have again.  His putting off telling her the truth about us made me feel like he was choosing to protect her and not me.  He felt I should know he loved me and only me.  I just want to feel like I did before this all happened.  Sigh....

Roxi

::hugs::

I'm sorry. :-\ It's a sticky situation..

I think it's not that he was protecting her, but that as you said, he just didn't want to deal with it anymore.  Maybe he figured that, instead of telling her about you and getting roped into a long conversation about it with her, he'd just cut off communication, make it quick and easy and [more] painless.

Now that it's done, it's done.  Give yourself a few days to adjust to the situation, and I'm sure things will calm down. :) I think you can trust him, at this point.  There's no real reason not to.  If he goes back and continues doing stuff like this, that'll be a different issue for a different day.. but right now, you two need to get your trust back.  Maybe have a nice romantic dinner or something, just so you two can be together and relax? :)

Tam Tam,

I am trying to not think so much about it.  Trying to let it be and just get back to normal.  The hurt is still there though.  But I will try to do my best to keep my feelings hidden.

Roxi

If it proves impossible for things to get back to normal, don't hide.. hiding is bad. :-\ Hiding is the opposite of communicating.. and when you stop communicating, things can build up and fester and explode later on and be much worse than they were in the first place. :-\

Sorry, I hope I'm not being confusing.. >.<

Confusing?  Hmmmm....

Well, this whole thing is confusing to me.  For me all it would have taken to reassure me and make me feel he was sincere was to follow thru with what he said he would do.  Which was state he was in a committed relationship, which he did.  And tell her about me.  I would have felt so much better knowing he had told her so she would understand he was in a happy fullfilling relationship. 

Yes, I did ask him if he was happy.  And he insisted he is and has never felt this way, as he does with me.  You would think that if all it took was to let her know about me and it would relieve so much of my heartache that he would do that.  Because he is in love with me and not her...right?  But he has not.

He showed me the letter stating he never meant to give her the impression he meant anything more then friendship.  And that he was in a relationship with me and happy and had no intention of bringing anyone else into his life.   I just did not see him send it.  Oh, I did think she was CD but she is not.  She has transitioned.  And she even has a partner!  So, there is yet another person out there who might be hurt by this.

I just don't get it.  Why say your happy with your SO and then flirt online.  That is why I wanted to know....is this normal? Does it really mean nothing?  Is this what goes on in these forums??  But then there is a clear forum that says this is not a dating service or a place to "hook up."  I know there are places you can do that.  Yet, she actually said "I love you"  in a post on here and I don't mean the way you say it to a friend.  She even said she was putting it out there. 

For all I know, she does know about me.  Since she has an SO of her own, maybe it does not matter to her if he does too.  It does to me.  Infedelity is a deal breaker for me.  I know that has not happened.  but the talk was there about traveling out here.  Ok, so I realize it is conversation that has not actually happened.  But if it does....my broken heart is out of here.  sigh....

Roxi

Did he actually flirt with her, or did he only sit passively while she flirted with him?

Mainly it sounds like he just allowed it to go on.  He uses endearments like "dear" and "hon" and I don't know if she took that to mean more then friendship or not.  From what I read in the posts here she is the one who started with the suggesting of her feelings.  Which I don't get since she also speaks of her partner on here.  You would think her partner would see that as I have and also be upset.  Why risk what you have?  Unless she is not happy.

He did say he invited her out to visit after she made some suggestion of it.  But then he has told others who are TG how wonderful it is to be in a place as accepting as San Francisco.  He said he did not mean for her to think it was more.  But if she does not know about me then why wouldn't she think it was more?  To me it seems like a part of him just enjoyed the flirtation.  That someone else was "hitting" on him.  (in my opinion)  At least I hope that is all it was.

I have just been trying very hard not to make too much of this.  Trying to let it go and believe in him.  So to answer your question....did he just sit by passively....he did flirt back but said it was meaningless.  At least to him.  I think he enjoys their conversations and friendship and it was becoming more to her then to him.  So when she started putting her feelings in print and in letters to him he did not discourage it.  Until he saw how it hurt me.  He is posting on here again.  Which I have no problem with.  I never wanted him to leave the site.   Just be honest with this person and stop the flirtation before it gets out of control and snowballs into something we will regret.  I don't take him for granted and he should not take my love and trust for granted either.

Rox

::nods::

Sometimes people just like the feeling of being flirted with once in a while, I suppose.  I think that unless some further development happens, it's be good to just try and believe him, keep your faith in him. :)  But if that proves too difficult.. I am a strong supporter of communication.. both of you deserve to be on the same page with this, and if you can't get past it, he needs to know.

I wish you luck.

Thank you Tam Tam and everyone here who has offered advice.  It has helped.  I only want the best for us and hope we can get back on track.  Today and yesterday have been wonderful.  As I said, I want to get back to where we were, and am hopeful.  We talked briefly about it again today and it went very well.  I think he understands how I feel about this better now.

And to the person who sent me a message...I don't think I have the capability of responding to you.  I am too new here.  Not enough posts I think.  I am not sure how this all works.

I was only looking for insight so thank you all who offered it to me.

Roxi...feeling better

That's wonderful Rox. I wish you the very best. You are a very strong woman the way you have reached out to a very foreign place for insight.

Big Hugs!

I don't know about "strong."  It is what I want to be.  But initially when I first found myself in this situation I was reeling.  I tried not to "go there" (to that dark pit of despair we can fall into during a depressing situation.)  Even though I tried to push it all away from my mind I did find myself curled up in my bed hugging his pillow crying myself to sleep.  (he was at work)  Once the communication began between us it was better.

Baby steps...Yes, each day is a bit better.  Not sure if it is all because I so desperately want to believe this is going away or if it truly IS going away.  Hope that did not confuse you.  If he continues to show me he is sincere my heart will mend faster.  Recently he has done some very romantic loving things for me.  I don't want them to be just gestures.  I need that communication to remain genuine and not just a band aid for that gaping wound that was once my heart.

A heart I have given solely to him.  A heart to love and cherish.  A heart that will return his love and will also do all it can to make everyday one that is filled with respect, admiration for the person he is, joy, laughter, passion....just make him know he is genuinely loved.  I need that too.  I think we all know love  is a two way street.  And when you hit a pot hole you can either just patch it or you  get back to the foundation and repair it.  The foundation that made you fall in love in the first place.  If he is willing, so am I.

Roxi

Glad to hear Rox that there has been some gestures to mend the trust that was compromised. I think there is a lot of fantasy role playing to define who we are in our worlds. So hopefully that's all that this was about. Try to let go of this event but keep an eye open.

Hang in there Hon and take one day at a time. Be sure to celebrate the good things between you two each day.

sleep with one eye open.....

love that song

and yes, I know and will.

Roxi

sharing feelings in an open and honest way is the best tool one has for a successful relationship.  like tam tam i have a sneaking suspicion that your bf is doing a little vicarious searching on line.  he is very likely figuring out his own feelings.  a strong and compassionate woman can take that for what it probably is...experimenting.

i am not cd, but ts.  i went through a period in my transtion where i found flirting impossible to squelch.  i just had to flirt, not that i ever had any interest in anyone but my annie, but i had to experience what it was and how it felt.  <blush>  ok, i'm still a bit of a flirt and i like it.  however; i do it in front of my annie and she has learned that it's just the way i am....i love people and i want to connect, flirting is just one way of doing just that.  it's not hard to tell, the second my flirting begins to suggest something other then just what it is it gets cut off.  not meanly or defensively, just takes a step back.

annie can't flirt...it doesn't work for her and the person she is, but she has learned that people can be different in their presentation and i don't believe my flirting bothers her at all anymore.  i think that's because we never hid from it, or tried to make it anymore then just what it is...a woman finding herself at a time of life most women have long since done that.  talk about it, teach each other about how it feels and you'll know where each is, where they're coming from and where they're going.  God bless with...

Communication has never been a problem for us.  In fact I thought everything was fine until I saw the email come through that was titled in a very personal way.  That is when I felt like...what the heck is going on??  When I said I was going to try to just hide my feelings.  It was after we had talked about it, but I was still stressed out.  Still feeling very hurt and insecure.  Questioning my own judgement on trust issues.  I was trying very hard not to dwell on it after he assured me nothing would have ever come of this flirtation.

He knows I have online friends too and a couple of them have wanted to meet.  But they always knew about my BF.  I talked about him in our conversations.  So they knew I was very happy in a relationship.   And had no intention of crossing that line ever.  I respect my commitment to my BF and could not and would not ever hurt him.   Which was not the situation with his "flirtation."  I like to make friends with people and can talk with endearments without it turning into flirting.  And if it is misinterpreted I correct it and remind them I am with someone.

If I ever got to a point in our relationship where I was feeling I was missing something, I would talk to him about it.  Not start an online relationship that could end up causing enough damage that it ruined the real one I was in.  You are right, couples need to let the other one know what each is feeling. Which is what we have done, as I thought he must be lacking something from me.  But, he said it really meant nothing.  That he never would have gone through with meeting her.  And he was quite happy with us.

It just bothers me that it happened at all.  Our situation is better now.  We both are focused on getting back to where we were.  Just takes time to get over feeling that initial insecurity that something was happening.

Roxi