Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I think I need to clarify what I meant about "reformatting " my personality. I don't mean creating a false image or out look, what I actually mean is, I never allowed myself the freedom to totally be myself! I'm just releasing what was buried and tossing out what was created. I never was really fake, I just was afraid to show my true colors! And no I'm not a bitch, what's been making me a bitch is the transition and some of the subtle harassment I get from people because my personality is revealing more and more feminine traits that is showing on the outside that have been buried my whole life. None of this is created! I will not do something in my life simply because that's how a genetic female does it, that would be fake! Rather, I use my own qualities and do things the way I see fit. Meaning I just let go, I am not holding on to the steering wheel any longer, I'm not hitting the brakes this time! I'm riding this thing out! I don't feel that I have any manly traits to speak of but a few remnants of what's left over created by society shoving that male pill down my throat. Anyways, just because most women like pink, doesn't mean I have too, I hate the color of pink! Lol But stop and think about it for a minute. There are things that a good feminine woman does that a guy does! Stop with the labels and stereo types already! You are who you are in your spirit! Guys get into things that is labeled as a woman's domain or liking. (But few will admit it)My point is, I am no less of a women because I can work on cars or can get aggressive when pushed, or even like hunting! I got a cool blog post coming up about giving up being hung up on what I was born with and moving on as me! That will be fun to try and put into text! Lol A lot of my views and the like was kept buried, the were to much so to speak like a woman's point of view and I would get made fun of, so the transition is the expressions of those views here and in the real world! Those expressions are my very soul speaking! I'm in the process of learning to live in my own skin, but it can be a bumpy ride. So that's what I meant by "reformatting".

I think you're lucky. My problem is I'm too much myself.

i put it like this.  i was never sure what was what either before transition.  i felt like we do best what we practice most, so by practicing being a man...probably more so then most men...i must have gotten pretty good at it.  so, if i quit practicing i might lose my edge and those contrived male attributes would eventually fall away of their own dead weight and what was left would be me.  don't much matter what it is as long as it's real and it's me.

God bless with...

Quote from: Nero on October 11, 2008, 12:09:11 PM
I think you're lucky. My problem is I'm too much myself.

Nothing sweetie. I'm going the other direction from you and accustomed to such femininity as expression and such. Sometimes I think it's a fault, other times I don't.

Anyhow, there's no need for reformatting. You already are you. You've just learned to suppress for survival.
Now, you can just swing open that door and let it all hang out.  :)

Nero is right. The false image is the one the world expects you to have. You can't be anything other than who you are.

I've had that my whole life because I didn't see the point in hiding anything. Or, more acurately, I didn't know how to be anyone other than myself. I'm not so good an actress when it comes to attempting male thought patterns. I just don't have them. :-\

As a result:

"God, you're weird."

"You're way too sensitive."

"Why do you always have to bring emotions into this?"

*s->-bleeped-<-* "You'd make someone a great wife."

"If you were a woman, you'd be a bitch."

"Haha, you think like a girl. Freak!"

...

*sigh* I know what you mean about getting made fun of. That is pretty much a constant thing for me where I live... or it was before I stopped caring.

It's not reformatting your personality, it's re-assessing your perspective. Your personality is what it is, all that changes is the courage and determination to express it the way it should be expressed.

I've always been happy with the one I have.

my personality is revealing more and more feminine traits that is showing on the outside that have been buried my whole life
Well that works out well for me, because one of my strongest feminine traits is that I'm not just a bitch, I'm The Bitch.

I am no less of a women because I can work on cars or can get aggressive when pushed, or even like hunting!
Nor are any of the women I know who are like this.  Its just who they are.

society shoving that male pill down my throat.
I've never got this.  I've never had any society come and shove anything at me, tell me to believe this or that, or anything.  Mostly what people call 'society' is the voices of their friends and parents.  So I don't think that its 'society' at all.  Its just a bunch of individuals.  And individuals, no matter how well or ill intentioned can be handled with a simple "F.U. I don't care."  They have no response to that, because there is no response to that. 

Quote from: tekla on October 13, 2008, 02:51:45 PM
society shoving that male pill down my throat.
I've never got this.  I've never had any society come and shove anything at me, tell me to believe this or that, or anything. 

Gotta say, this society thing has rarely pressed on me neither. Or maybe it did and I laughed at it.

I'm sure as you go through this thing, you'll find yourself sliding into your own patterns like a well oiled drawer.

You oil your drawers?  No wonder you're such a smooth walker.

What you may actually be seeing in yourself is an improvement in your self-esteem, and chances are that you are suffering from much less anxiety also. Assuming you've only recently started HRT, I wouldn't worry too much about its overall effects on your personality: although sex hormones and their metabolites do some interesting things in the central nervous system, there are actually thousands of other chemicals active in there as well. In all seriousness, you will probably be affected a great deal more by feeling that you are at liberty to express your inherent personality.

You can't start over from scratch and become the woman/man you would have been.  But you can grow into the woman/man you will become.  You can encourage it with hormones and surgery, but you can't make it happen.  It was already happening in spite of all efforts to the contrary, whether your efforts or those of others.

Quote from: scarboroughfair on October 13, 2008, 06:33:31 PM
I think I may have to quit posting, some of my writing is coming off the wrong way. i was only hoping to inpire people and offer options.
My writing is in raw form, I tell it like I see it.
And yes, society is shoving the pill down peoples throat when your your sneered it. If you were born a man genetically, you will be treated like one!
That is what I mean, society or people may not know they are doing this, but the fact remains they are.
I just have a deep and complex way I see the world and it comes of in my writing.
I'll go ahead and respond to things on the forum, but I think I best keep post like this on my blog.
No offense takin by the way, I understand most people don't get me. :)

Most people don't get me either.  :)

I have one here at Susans: Skeletons in my Closet (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,184.0.html)

It can mostly be summed up as 2 different sections - Nero liking to argue and Nero's bad poetry.
And some stories about humorous moments of my life.
As I get to actually start transitioning, I plan to add about that as well. 

Thanks for asking.  :)

I understand what you mean by reformatting.  I called it rebuilding my personality.  I always lived within a set of parameters of what was expected of me by others, which suffocated me in a way.  When I started transitioning, I thought it was a great opportunity to tear those walls down and rebuild it as the real me since people didn't know what to expect of me anyhow.  For the most part, I am very similar to how I was before, but I'm much more extroverted than I used to be.  I also like doing things with performing arts such as acting, dancing, singing, and playing musical instruments.  The people who I felt pushed me into acting in ways contrary to who I am still react negatively to my changes, so it definitely wasn't self-imposed, but I am much happier as a result.  Most of the changes I made weren't gender related either, but more so just ways I acted because I knew I was expected to act that way.  I think when I was living as male, I just tended to do things in a feminine way, but nobody really questioned it, so it worked out that I didn't get teased for it, but wasn't completely forced to live a totally different personality.  I don't try to be a girl; I just try to be me. :)