Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I am scared to come out and it is ruining my life. If Gid is a disorder then why cant it be control with Meds?
Since I was 6 I always felt like I should have been a girl, always thinking about it. I didnt do well in school and was almost held back in the 7th grade because I missed most of the year.
Even now it controls my life and my job is suffering because of it. I have a appointment with a therapist soon but unless I give up my job and family and move to another state I cant let me be me. I can not stand having my family reject me or my co workers making fun of me.

Welcome to Susan's, Lost. :)

By saying you're scared to come out, I'm assuming that you haven't. Which leads to the question... how do you know you'll have to give up your job and your family and move?

*hugs*

What medication would anyone give you to supress you being who you really are? It's not, as far as I know, an imbalance in the brain which can be rectified with drugs... it's your entire sense of identity, the way you percieve the world, the way you feel you fit into the world and fit into your own body.

Aside from medication that would leave you permanently drooling in a corner, sitting in a pool of your own excrement, completely stripped of your entire sense of self... it's not something that can be selectively shut off. God knows I, and probably most people here have tried at some point in their life. It doesn't work.

I think the best thing to do, honey, is to see what happens with the therapy session before making any firm decisions about where to take your life. Talk all this through with the therapist, your worries and your fears, and see how you feel after that.

Baby steps, honey. :) One at a time. Try not to look too far in the future at this point, and try to second guess yourself about what may or may not happen. Just take one thing at a time, and deal with one issue at a time. That will make the whole thing less daunting.

And you have a whole new family here now to talk about your worries with and get support from. :)

Dear Lost,

First congratulations for taking a huge step and seeing a therapist. Hopefully that person is very familiar with or a specialist in gender therapy. As for the meds treating GID. As Leiandra said, there are no drugs to change how you feel about yourself. You can believe as right now I am on five different meds to just keep me stable and they haven't changed anything about how I feel and see myself.

So take it one step at a time love and you will and learn many things about yourself and the options in your life.

Good luck Honey.

hi lost.  i'd like to re-asert what the other girls have said.  first, seeing a therapist, hopefully one experienced with gender identity issues, is a very positive first step.  then, i think it wise to not arrive at any concrete conclusions until all the evidence is in.  i think it's almost a universal thought among us in the beginning that we'd have to move away and start life anew.  for some, that might end up being a good idea...but it doesn't always end up that way.

my annie and i almost made just such a move when i transitioned.  but after we got into the issue in a little more depth then the initial seeming foregone conclusion, began to weigh out the plusses and minuses in detail...we found that staying put could be made viable and was worth a shot, considering all the positives of this place and our lives here.

i hope you'll keep an open mind, get into therapy and use it to sort these things out consiciously, presuming nothing, considering everything.  God bless with...

If you are worried about how your family will react to it, then discuss it with them before you do anything, so they will be prepared. If you don't have sufficient trust for them to discuss it with them openly, then perhaps it is time you left the nest and tried to make it on your own. Once you have been formally diagnosed, discuss it with your employer, so he or she will be ready to prevent your coworkers from creating a problem. Don't feel too worried about your future: like the rest of us, the only way to really approach it is day-by-day.

Congratulations on having begun this process.

Sorry Silk but I am on my own to speak I have my mother living with me who is not the best of health. I do notwant to see her in a Home. my Family is my brothers and sister. My brothers think all Transgender people are gay. Their reasoning? If they wasnt instread in men then why would you want to to a woman. They sont know about me they said that after seeing a transgender. as far as my work place I work for a small family owned company and I have seen other workers make it tough for those they dont like and if my boss wants to get rid of you he can make it extreamly tough. It is not the best of jobs but I have been there a long time making pretty good money and it pays the bills. Thank you for your reply.

If you intend to go through transition, you will have to confront your family and your employer with it eventually. Your concerns are perfectly logical, but there are useful and perfectly absurd approaches to handling them.

You make a lot of sence Silk. So if I did decide to move on It would be after my mother is gone. I dont know but I feel it would break her heart so I have to put her first.
As far as my brothers go, When I was very young my parents divorced, my mother to this day will not tell us why. My father disappeared in to the wind only contact was with a p.o. box. That is the way I would do it since two of them live the next state over, one lives in NC and one still lives about 5 miles from me and we dont see each other except may an hour or two on christmas. My sister lives in another state too and I am not sure how she would take it.
As far as my job goes the family who owns the company are natural born a__ Holes. They feel, They have Money, they have the power and they can make it real rough so I would leave. I cant take people mocking me and I would never put my self in a postion like that.

Honey, a lot of the time people don't need a reason to be hurtful. They can be that way because they just don't like what day of the week it is, and would quite happily throw scorn upon their own shadow just to make themselves feel better.

That shouldn't stop you from being who you are. If people are going to be that way then isn't it better to be able to tell them to shut up as the real you (or learn a few comebacks... you'd be surprised ;)) rather than suppressing your true self through fear and living the rest of your life as a lie? You won't be living your life then, Lost, you'll be living the life that the people, whose mockery you fear, have created for you.

Is that what you really want?

 I wish I had never gone so long living the way others want me to be. The pain of it only got worse and worse. If you think transition would be worse than not at this piont so be it. But It never goes away. You need to talk to a theripist and sort out what it is you can and can`t live with or without.

  For me it got to the point that I could not stand living this lie any longer. I was willing to give up my wife and my kids if that was what transition would bring me. So I came out to my wife. We are still together and she is helping pay for it all but thats another story.

  I sure hope you find fullfillment in your life and inner peace.

   Angie,

Quote from: almost,angie on October 15, 2008, 06:23:10 PM

  For me it got to the point that I could not stand living this lie any longer.

Living a lie and suffocating in my discomfort and anxiety was no way to live.  I think most of us felt the way you do at one point.  For me, the temporary embarrassment or problems I knew I would face paled in comparison to living the rest of my life in misery.

There are other jobs.  It will be tough on your family, yes.  You may lose some friends.  But what you will gain is YOUR LIFE.  Transition is a selfish thing, but necessary for most of us.  For me and many others it was transition or DIE.   Sometimes our fears are unfounded.  You'll never know what your personal reality will be until you go for it.

Like the others have said, find a good gender therapist.   Every visit I felt tons of baggage falling away until I was finally free to be myself.


Jay

Then your first priority is to either improve your relationship with your employer or begin investigating different lines of work.

Now, it's wonderful that you're concerned for your mother's feelings, but you do have the option of revealing it to her. Be prepared to do so in the event that you change your mind. I suggest claiming that it was the doctor's idea.

Thank you all for your wonderful advice. I dont care about my job I hate it anyways, I stay there because it pays the bills. Although I see my sister only once a year and I dont  see my brothers except on holidays even if they decide to say nothing I will stil know how they feel. They only come around now because of my mother. Yes my mother, she is my best and only friend and I dont want to lose that that is way I am so afraid to do so.
I know a lot of people are saying I might be wrong and she might support me, but I am not a gambler and can not take that chance. I would rather suffer and live everyday hating myself then to lose or hurt her.

hi lost.  i'm not trying to tell you to do anything or convince you of any point of view.  i'd just like to share this thought with you:  as you say, now you are living a life of misery, unhappy and unfullfilled in every way.  you are probably living up to maybe 1% of your potential because of all the distractions created by this incongruence of yours.

one way of looking at caring for those we love and who depend on us might be this:  the better person we make of ourselves, the better person we are to care for those we love and who love us.  the more we make of ourselves the more we have to give.

it's admirable, honorable, to be willing to suffer through life in order to care for someone you love.  that's a deep and compassionate kind of unselfishness that i think most of us would like to emulate.  however; you do need to bear in mind that what you have to give is only what you have, the more you have, the more fullfilled you are as a person, the better care you can give.

i don't know what you can or cannot do, i don't know what your mother will or will not accept...but if she's raised you to be anything like herself, then i wouldn't sell her short...she must have a whole lot of that unselfish, compassionate and understanding kind of love in her too.

just another perspective.  may God bless you both with...

Quote from: Lost on October 16, 2008, 07:45:44 PMYes my mother, she is my best and only friend and I dont want to lose that that is way I am so afraid to do so.
I know a lot of people are saying I might be wrong and she might support me, but I am not a gambler and can not take that chance. I would rather suffer and live everyday hating myself then to lose or hurt her.

I'm glad you're willing to make that sacrifice. There must be a very beautiful love between you.

Remember, though: if you ever change your mind, blame it all on the doctor!  >:-) Hehehe

Hi Lost, hmmmm what an appropriate name, I beleive that would apply to many of us in the beginning. Well I see you have a lot of wonderful people here doing their best to enlighten you in whatever way they can. There is not much I can add except that you first step to finding your way back on the path is to see a therapist. 2, If diagnosed as having GID which I strongly beleive you do then you begin step 3 beginning and preparing for your journey to transitioning.

Once you start transitioning it may mean that for a good part of the beginning of your journey is going to be a selfish one, this will be necessary if you are to survive through this. beleive me GID left untreated through the application of HRT and therapy. GID can be just as lethal as a terminal disease, for myself it was. Once you are well on the path to regaining your mental, physical and spiritual fitness then you will be more capable of worrying about all the other problems at hand like job and family etc. Until then you just put one foot ahead of the other one day at a time.

Cindy   

Thank you Cindy I have a lot to think about. After picking up the phone and dailing a Therapist and hanging up ( I did this four times ). I got the nerve to make a appointment. I dont know what good it will do except to just talk to some one face to face. I want to come out and be my self but then I stop and think. Keeping it to my self and not come out, I just have to deal with me and yes that is painful. But coming out and moving forward, now I have the world to deal with and that can be much more painful. I think of it this way.
You see a crack in a Dam, with just a little water coming out and you know that it has been there for years. Ok the puddle beneath it is a little bigger but since the crack hasnt gotten bigger you decide to leave it be. Then one day you decide to fix it and in the process the crack gets bigger and bigger until water comes gushing out. My thought is if after so many years the crack never got any worse you could live with a little water coming out ( The Suffering ) but now you have only made it worse.

I have read through a lot of these froums and have seen how people who have decided to come out and move on have made it rougher on them selves. Hard to find a job, losing friends and family and dealing with the way the world treats them.
Wouldnt it be better to leave the crack alone then take the chance of creating a bigger problem?

To use your analogy... the water behind the dam is your true self. What about the areas of your life in front of the dam that are starved of the water of who you are? Dry, dusty, dying, all because who you are is blocked up behind a huge wall of self-denial and the comfort you find in familiarity and by not taking the risk.

That's the question you have to ask, Lost, do you want to leave those parts of your life a dry, dusty desert because you want to keep all that sparkling water behind the wall? Do you want to wander through that desolate landscape secure in the knowledge that, while you hate it and feel constantly thirsty, you don't have to worry about that wall coming down and the temporary change caused by the water filling the area in a bid to be free?

Water isn't meant to be held behind dams, you know. It always finds a way around them, even if it takes a million years. And while it may seem like whirling upheaval as all that pent up self-awareness is released... afterwards you're left with a verdant landscape, lush and green, irrigated by the water of your true self... nourished by the water of happiness with who you are, which will let those other parts of your life stop being dry and dusty, and allow them to grow and blossom. :)

Hi Lost hon, I truly don't have much to say at this very moment that our wise and wonderful lady friend Leiandra here hasn't already said. I will be back a wee bit later. I haven't slept all night because of an overactive mind. May God bless in what ever decision you make sweets.

But on the bright side, chew a lot of bubble gum and plug the hole in the dam with it. The bubble gum represents *positive thinking* Of course the more one worries about something going wrong, that is what will most likely be the result, the bursting of the dam of pessimism.

Cindy

Thank you Leiandra I need to think about that. But I see the water as being overwelmed with all the problems that will come crashing down on me. and you are right about water is not ment to be kept behind a wall. but I built that wall and if it must come down there must be a way to do so without causing a diaster that I can not handle. but I will think about what you said.

Hmmm I beleive I will go to bed now. *Night*

Cindy

Thank you all for your replies. I am going to take all you said and do some serious thinking. But if it wasnt for bad luck I wouldnt have any luck. If I try to touch that crack I am sure my world would come crashing down on me. I dont like living a lie, I want to be me. And yes everyday is killing me slowly and making me a very bitter person but I dont think I can hadle everything crashing down on me at once.

Hon, it won't. If an old fart like me could do it, anyone can. I was 54 years old when I started my journey and I haven't regretted any of it. Just takes some good planing and a good session with a good therapist who can help you to make the plans and decisions you need in order to stop the leak in the dam, make it the dam of optimism. I didn't even have a therapist, I used my shrink and he was no way anywhere close to being a professional gender therapist. I had to teach him for the most part.

Cindy

Posted on: October 17, 2008, 07:54:03 am

---

I know, I was supposed to go to sleep, but I guess that is not in my cards this morning. Wanna go dam watching?  ;D

Cindy

Psshh, Cindy you're not an old fart. :)

Lost, think about dismantling  it one piece at a time rather than taking a whole lot of explosive and detonating it all at once. Take it one step at a time, like a journey rather than a sudden displacement.

First step, you've already taken. Admitting to yourself how you feel. The second step, you've taken that, too... telling other people (us here). The third step, getting in touch with a therapist... you're taking that next. That's all it is, honey, a series of steps that lead to your goal. Just focus on each one instead of the whole thing and it might not seem so daunting.

*hugs*

I first want to thank everyone for your help. Just what I am trying to say is this....
I have been alone my whole life so to speak, in a living hell admiting who I am and not being able to tell any one. I have read through this froums and there are a lot of people who felt like me. They were willing to give up everything to be themselves. But the thing is their family, friends, girlfriends, wives and jobs supported them which is great!
But I know I will lose my family, I have no friends and I would have to quit my job. So I go all the way and get SRS. Now I am a depressed woman with no job and no one to fall back on. I would be more alone and depressed more then I am now. Would that be a better life??
I have always put others before me. I dont like to hurt anyone and even though my family isnt too close they still call or e-mail and that is all I have. So saying this I will put this to bed.
Thank you once again for your thoughts.

Lost, you don't know that you will lose everyone until you tell them.  They might even already know. They could support you and love you  no matter what.  And you may also find that being true to yourself may lift your depression and open up opportunities to you that you can't see right now.

Jay

Hi Lost hon. It don't have to go that way if  your transitioned is well planed out ahead. There are many here who have went back to school to get a degree for a better trade skill of sorts. Better pay and better security. They go to school and continue to work at their regular job and begin their transition. By the time they are ready to come out they have already moved on to their new job position.

As for family well that is something that is unpredictable. Some have been successful in continuing a relationship with family. But when it comes to a spouse or wife the chances of a wife hanging on after you start full time get much slimer. As for friends I had more friends after I came out then I did before. Most of them were female friends though female friends appear to be somewhat more accepting of who we are.

That is still the case since I moved her to my new home in Vancouver BC where all of my friends are women for the exception of one gentleman. It all depends on how much you desire to apply yourself and just how determined you are to learn and to make this work. Of course a good upbeat personality and how you project yourself to people will also determine just how successful you become in your female role.

It's a lot of work and it won't be done in one night. It is not possible to condition ones self to learning the female characteristics and how a woman behaves feels and thinks in just a couple of short years where it took a GG all of her life to get to be where she is at the same age where you are. But a lot is learned instinctively and intuitively beleive me you will once you begin HRT.

Cindy

Ater doing some serious thinking and a little mor research I came across this web page, she has become my mentor. My biggest fear about coming out is my job. How would I live until I found another and would they be understanding of what I am going through.
As far as my family goes she brings up the word selfish. I have read though so many froums and noticed that a lot of people say they dont care if they lose family and friends as lon as they are happy.
Yes I could consider this selfish, thinking they are only thinking about themselves and if their family and friends cant handle it, then that is their problem.
But on the other hand if they reject you, could it be that they would feel embrassed or ashamed of what other people might say. Example: How could you do this to me? what are my friends going to think and say! You will make me a laughing stock if you go though this. Or Hey dude I dont think we can hang out, I dont want people to think I am gay. Sorry I cant let people see me hanging around a guy in a dress. Here are they not only thinking about themselves? Isnt that selfish?
I am  not gay, I am past 30 and as much as I would have love to get married or be with a woman wouldnt be right for me since I feel like I should have been a woman and could not be with a guy ( being a guy) it isnt right for me, so yes I am a virgin. But being I have to change and shower at work before We can go home
would be out of the question. I work with some people who think cross dressers and transgenders are all gay and my employer would not accomadte. I know because we had a gay guy working there one time and people complained that the had to change and shower with him. They ould not add another shower or bathroom and made it real hard for him until he quit.

Lost, like the others here I think you have taken a big step in the right direction by seeing a Therapist.
Even if this particular therapist doesnt turn out to be the right one, you can always change to another and that is not uncommon.

I wasnt going to even add to this thread because of the expert and caring advice you already have been given but something you said jumped out at me and reminded me of myself.  I have spent the last thirty years actively working against this, even though I always have known exactly who I really was. The reason I used was that I could not in clear concious hurt my father, then it was my wife and kids and so started that path that has brought misery to my mind and soul.

It has only been since last year when I finally placed all my cards on the table that I have finally been at peace. It has been costly in terms of family relationships and other matters but I will tell you from my heart that things in my life are finally better and I get up in the morning rather than wishing the world would just go away. If you truly believe and have GID then you will never escape it, it will come back and bite you again and again until you finally deal with it. I am now closer to 62 years of age and believe me I only wish I never would have given up my lifelong dream. Hugs and do come back, you will get answers you seek here.

Wendy

Hi lost.

Guess what? I see you and I see myself. granted there are some differences but I can totally relate to your pain. One thing I have started doing that helps me feel better was to start associating with more open minded people and letting the more close minded ones know that I hold no prejudice for some one that is gay or trans. I try to gently inform them with scientific fact that being gay or trans is not a choice it is the way some one is born. This I feel will lessen the shock when I finally come out completely.

Secondly, about the wall... I just put in a dam that I can open when I am alone. I set time for myself to be alone and then I dive into that wonderful river that is me.   

I hope we can both make it through this with minimal anguish. I'd love to have friends that can share this journey with me.

You are right Elliera, being around people who are quick to label is only drawing me deeper into my hole. That is way I have not been going out and shutting my self in. I had my first session today with my therapist and left there in a daze but I have beening thinking about what she said, almost what you just said. She asked me if I felt like I was a woman trapped in a male body. I couldnt answer that question.But on my way home I knew I was and denied it. I have to honest with my self first and accept it if I want others to accept me.
Even though I feel like I am in the wrong body I cant admit it. I guess I am afraid that the world would come crashing down on me. I need to get out and be with people who understand. Thank you

And thank you as well Lost for just speaking out. It helps me to know I'm not alone.