Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello~
I am brand new to this site...I came looking for someplace like this because last night, my SO, after 2 1/2 years together and recent engagment, he told me that he is a CD.  Incidently, 3 days ago while doing some cleaning, I found his wig and shoes and some female panties.  I never said a word for a number of reasons...1. He is currently deployed overseas, and there could have been many reasons behind it..i.e. old Halloween costume, panties left from old girlfriends etc. and 2. How would I have even brought it up? As it turns out, while we were IMing I had mentioned Halloween and was going to get a Naughty Nurse outfit to wear for him for when he came home.  He replied that he'd like one too.  At first I thought he was just kidding..the conversation then went full blown into how he likes to dress up and all that...Now I am so confused...Here's why..I find it a turn on and very exciting..I actually love the idea of dressing up with him and seeing him transformed...maybe I am Bi....I don't know..What I do know is I find it very erotic and can hardly wait for him to come home to start this new adventure...here is the rub...our itimate life suffered greatly over the last 1 1/2 years and there was always an excuse why he couldn't "perform".  When he did on those rare occasions it was great.  Here's where my confusion comes in...because he's a CD does this mean he likes men or is Bi given that our itimate life has been so sporatic?  Also, he said to me that he only wanted me, but now I just....*sigh* When I asked him if he would like me to shop for him, he said yes. I asked if he wanted both bras and panties and he said yes..that part of the "thrill was the attention"..What attention?  From other men, women, other CD's or people in general? ...Does this mean he likes to dress as a woman and have sex with other men?  Please someone help me understand this..the CD part I get..its the sexual thing that I am at a loss about.  I can accept the CD and all that, its the "thrill of attention" that has slammed me because I do not know what this means....Please anyone help me to understand what I am looking at and dealing with..also, please do not advise that I speak with him, a little hard right now given the situation and having to keep it a secret so I can't really ask him these questions.

Thank you..
SO13

P.S. He is in his 50's and I'm in my 40's

hi so13.  i doubt if any of your fears will be substantiated.  contrary to conventional wisdom most cross dressers are heterosexual men.  though many deny it, cross dressing is very often a form of transvestism and some men can and do become much better sexual partners when dressed.  the fact that this is a turn on for you creates the optimum circumstance for the both of you!  he will become a better person and a better lover for not feeling like he needs to repress this rather common sexual interest, and you will find sexual satisfaction as well.  i'd say you two have every chance for being among the happiest and most well adjusted of us all.  God bless with...

PennyJane~
Thank you...I hope you are right..I love him and can accept this about him..as I said, I find it exciting...but its the last part that I don't get..what is the "thrill of attention" ?  What does that mean exactly?  While I hope our sex life improves because he doesn't have to hide his desires from me, I am worried that there is more to this and he hasn't dropped that bombshell yet.  Its not like there is a handbook of instructions on "How to know if your Man is a CD and the Ramifications of it", or what signs to look for...I never would have guessed that this was his secret. Other than a lousy sex life that actually had plausible "reasons", I was completely clueless...The other thing that is killing me is why now when he is so far away and can't really communicate with him about this?  That actually, in all honesty is what makes me mad.  While I totally accept as much as I can his CD at this point, I have so many questions and no answers and am unlikely to get any anytime soon. So now what do I do?  We've had trust issues in the past that we managed to get through, but now here I am again, worried and confused that there is more than just a desire to wear panties and a bra and said accoutrements.
Thank you again for your wisdom and help...btw...my name is...

Gaia
SO13

I don't have very much knowledge of this.. but it could be that he just likes the feeling of being noticed and treated 'as a woman,' instead of a man.  When you go out all dressed up in your best clothes and makeup, feeling fabulously gorgeous, and people notice and say "Wow, Gaia, you look amazing," or "where did you get that dress, it flatters you so well," don't you like it? ;)  It's probably something just as innocent for him. :)  I don't think he meant the kind of attention that's sexual and would involve him cheating on you.. he probably just likes the feeling he gets when people notice he's dressed up. :)

hi gaia.  i think tam tam might be on to something.  feminine dress is aimed at getting attention, it's just a part of it.  i think in the case of those of us for which there is a taboo, it may even be accentuated.  there is always the thrill of just doing something you've always wanted to but have never had the cirumstances compatible with carrying it out.  i'm sure it goes deeper then that but that's a good place to start with understanding it.

i understand the difficulty you're having with not being in a position of face to face communication with him.  i'm sure it's frustrating.  for him, though, it might make him feel a little safer in that things can't just sprial out of control in the course of one conversation...you each get a time to think some before settling on any give attitude or response.  i think that the more you educate yourself on cross dressing for what it really is the less unsure of him in particular you might find yourself.  it really is true, most cross dressers are men, not homosexual men, heterosexual men in all it's glory.  i would place concern, as common as it is, about his sexual orientation way down on the list of worries.  the odds are very strong that he is just what he says he is.

you must understand that there is a whole world of difference between transsexuals and cross dressers.  transsexuals are in fact of one body with the diametric spirit, our anatomy is truely out of congruence with our inner gender identity.  for cross dressers that isn't the case.  usually they are very pleased with their gender and actually have very little difficulty with gender identity, once they themselves find out who they are.  they are men with a sexual attraction for women that goes beyond just the objective, it's really a form of female appreciation they can experience for themselves.  it can be a very healthy and satisfying ascpect of one's life once all the misconceptions and predjudices are removed.  i really do believe that all you have to fear.....is fear itself.  God bless with...

Hi TamTam and PennyJane~
It does make sense what you are both saying to a degree...I guess part of it may be because of the lousy sex life, again at the time there were "plausible reasons", "excuses" . That's why its so troublesome...I hope as you say Tam Tam, that is just innocent ego stroking..afterall, who doesn't want to be told how beautiful, sexy and wonderful they look? But in this case who is the attention from? Hetero Men, other CD's ? If Hetro Men, is that a "gay" impulse that he hasn't come to terms with yet so he can't admit to himself or me that perhaps he likes both?  I just know so little about all this..fortunately, I have always had an open mind and a strong curiousity to the "Alternative" and I mean that with the utmost respect, because I do believe some things like sexuality etc. is hardwired and not neccessarily a choice.  Maybe you can answer this..His sister is a lesbian, and funnily enough, he actually has a problem with it although, he would never say or do anything to hurt his sister.  Could his CD be a just a baby step to something else? I just don't want to be sandbagged later down the line if this may be the case..that's why I came looking for answers from people who have "been there, done that".  Could this be just his way of alluding to something more and is just testing the waters?  One damn sentence and my world is upside down..CDism cool..way cool and great fun I think...."thrill of attention" ..*sigh* seems to suggest more...Crap..*crying now* Sorry, and thanks again..many blessings to you both.

Gaia

ok, honey....crying is good.  you are confused and that's perfectly normal.  of course, you are right, cd'ing might be a symptom of something else...that's something he's going to have to discover for himself.  maybe he already has and is just where he wants to be.  none of us can know that for sure.  i will just go back to my original premise...a vast majority of cross dressers are normal, heterosexual men with a particlar sexual expression need.  i think all of us have particular needs, this is just one of the many..and it means no more then the next as what it is.  do not presume the worst...you just torture yourself and make the best just that much harder to attain.

is cross dressing a place along the road or a place he is and is going to stay?  yes, that's an important question.  you and he and hopefully a good therapist will have to work that out.  the odds are, he is what he says he is...your husband and your lover and he's very happy with it.  the introduction of the dressing into the relationship shows much more promise then reason for doubt.  keep the communication going...you may even ask him point blank what he thinks about it, i doubt he'll take offense. i'm sure he understands that these are legitimate questions...probably questions he's asked himself many times.  open and honest communication between the two of you without any preconcieved notions or censored topics is really the best way for you both to find out exactly what the truth is...then is the time to decide what to do with it.

Hi Gaia:

A relationship with a cross-dresser can be tricky.
It's probably just about dressing up, but you never know. He might not even know.

A really good book on the relationships between cross-dressers and their wives is:
My Husband Betty: Love, Sex, and Life with a Crossdresser (2003) - Helen Boyd * Amazon (http://www.amazon.com/dp/1560255153)

Thank you all of your help, wisdom and education. I know ultimately I am going to have to learn and awful lot on this subject to truly understand it.  Thank you Renate for the book recommendation...I will definately purchase it, and hopefully see were he and I fit in in all this.  I am completely honest when I say, I can accept his CD as I do find it immensly exciting...what a grand adventure it will be. But I do know in order to really understand, I am going to have to have some serious conversations with him when he comes home..I guess, I am just looking for help in understanding just the general nature of things from people who have already been through it. Such as how to support him and show him he is so loved regardless if he wants to wear my panties, (I really find that exciting *lol*) with humour and understanding without making light of something that appears to be very confusing and serious to those who are CD and have yet to come to terms with it...I want to learn how to be understanding and how to encourage him to be open and honest with himself and me. And if it turns out that there is more to the situation, how to best handle that as well..I would never reject him no matter what.  I read a post somewhere here in the forum, where someone said that all humans are "BiSexual" to a degree...I agree with that...hell I wrote my thesis for my PhD on the topic..but booking learning is completely different from actually experiencing it yourself. Any advice on how to do this would be very valued. You all are wonderful and I thank you for sharing your insights with me.  Any education you can and are willing to share with me is greatly appreciated and I wish you all the very best in your lives...

Gaia

Well.. if a lesbian came up to you and complimented you on your looks, would you automatically be attracted to her, or would you just take the compliment and be happy? :) In the same way, if a gay man came up to him and complimented him on his looks.. it doesn't mean he likes the attention because it's attention from the sex he's attracted to, but because it's attention, period.  And it's most likely not straight women who would be complimenting him most often on how good he looks.. so even if he'd prefer to get their attention, he may have to almost 'settle' for getting it from those who would understand his lifestyle the most.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help... I actually don't have experience with this, perhaps a better place to look for information would be browsing around the crossdresser forum here a little. :)  I just tend to think that if you two had any problems with your sex life.. odds are, they were just general problems, that didn't signify anything more than the 'normal' problems couples sometimes have.  Now you know he's CD, that doesn't retroactively change the nature of those problems. :)

But the one and only person who can let you know how he truly feels, is him.

i agree tam tam.  a lot of women just simply like being told how attractive they look.  when i first transitioned it embarrassed the snot out of me, but i loved every minute of it.  five years later i've learned to accept compliments graciously.  and i'll take them from anyone of any gender, any age, sexual orintation, race, color, creed or national origin.

i could be wrong, i'm not all that up on the inner workings of the cd experience either, but i suspect when a cd is in femme mode the same rules apply.

I will try to speak with what I hope is a small measure of authority on this subject because My Wife and I have similar issues. The biggest difference is that I identify as Transsexual. But in my early stages I identified as a Cross dresser. 

With my first marriage I had the same sexual dysfunction with my wife but it stemmed from several factors.
1.) She had a disposition that grated on my nerves and we were constantly fighting.
2.) I was struggling to come to terms with my own identity. (real damper on the sex drive)
3.) I was embarrassed by and ashamed of my feelings and fought desperately to keep them hidden.
4.) When She finally found my hidden things she immediately wanted to go into a full blown discussion about it. That in my opinion was unhealthy because I was so humiliated at being discovered that all I wanted to so was run away and Hide.

Now with my second marriage its a bit different because I actually love my new wife but some of the core reasons still exist. I find it hard do be sexually stimulated because for one, I feel pressured to "preform" as a man and after admitting to my self that I am in fact not a man I realize that being stimulated as a normal male would does not "do it for me". e.i. extravagant sexual look and pulling on my member like its a water pistol.
My current wife is still not 100% ok with all this even though we have had some great sexual interactions while I was in femme, it is still stressful for me because I still feel like I have to hide who I am and not be completely out with her.

My advise would be that if it turns you on, make it very clear to him thats so and encourage him gently to pursue his feelings. Try not to make him feel pressured to put out because on some level he most likely wants to feel fem and no woman wants to be forced to have sex.
Also I know that when my current wife found out about me she tried to be understanding and accommodating by going out and buying my some things. Now I know lots of CD/TS find this a turn on but it made me feel awkward.

I think the best thing you could do would be to love him and let him know your love is unconditional. Share your feelings with him and allow him to do the same with you. And when it comes to love making...maybe he wants to be treated like a woman, lovingly, tenderly, passionately.

And when it all gets to be too much come her and talk to us. maybe mention this site to him...It may help him come to terms.

Human's are very funny animals.  Which makes all of this, impossible to really say.  I think there are two reasons for that.  First, within any activity there is a range of behaviors.  So it could range from wearing panties - something so common its become a clichie, even the Simpson's joke about it - to being a Drag Queen or Beauty Queen in contests.  And yes, they have them.  It could go beyond that into transexualism also.  That's truly a horse of a different color though.  So I'll confine my remarks to the crossdressing aspects of this only.  But the real question here is "How Far Does This Go?"  And no one, not even that other person knows.  Which is, or can be, scary. 


The second, is that no one knows who/what/why any of this exists, though we can be pretty sure that it manifests itself in different ways.  Some people in the transgender spectrum have backgrounds that include child sexual abuse as a victim.  Is it higher than the regular population, I don't know.  But I can see where how and why you choose to express what you do can be colored by a past sexual experience that was highly bad rather than being good, and reaffirming.  I'm sure many CDs have some past bit of sex stuff, perhaps and most likely, not even sex itself but a symbolic linking that plays out in all of this.  I'm also sure that most don't remember what it was.  The event stuck as an ideal not as a reality. 

So, the person dressing might feel liberated, or humiliated, or sexy, or protected, or fulfilled - and perhaps even more than one of those at a time, so being humiliated can become liberating (sigh, I'm not sure how either, but I've seen it happen, so I tend to think it's true - it has to do with playing out our own visions and lives.)  Sexy for sure can be liberating, humiliating or fulfilling depending on the person its happening to. 


So, you've got something that has a wide range of expressions.  That has a huge number of factors going in that shape and color the end goals and desires.  So, no one outcome is predictable.  There is a very large number who just do the lingerie deal.  Others want a complete outfit, some seek special outfits, costumes if you prefer, and just want to lounge around the house in them.  Others want to go out to some 'safe' place, others out in public, some even want to perform.  Thankfully that number is small.

And, we all know that a lot of our dreams and desires go away after we fulfill them.  Doing something a few times is as likely to make it go away as it is to enhance the desire.  That and people like to experiment - the scientist in us all - and will often seem to be going overboard when they are just working to set their own boundary. 


because he's a CD does this mean he likes men or is Bi given that our itimate life has been so sporatic?
Most CDs are hetro if the stats are to be believed.  That they like all the feminine stuff, does not mean they like men too.  I think in many ways, its not hard to see it as an escape from the world of men, not a way into it.  Given his current life, its not that hard to see that longing for, and obtaining a 'softer' side of life has some merit to it.

"thrill was the attention"..What attention?
Most likely its just attention for the sake of attention.  We're all kids at heart after all.  Everyone has a touch of Drama Queen about them, and are moved by the Diva spirit now and again.  Everyone wants to shout at the world "Yo, Hey Bitch, dig me!" once in a while at least.  It in no way means that he wants to dress as a women to have sex.  There might well be a strong sexual component to it, but that does not equal sex per se.  Ballet and modern dance have strong sexual components to them also, but the audience is not humping like bunnies.  I think that a lot of people, really like to be the center of attention once in a while.  When you think of all the ways there are to get to that spot, if only for a moment - performing, art, music, theater, Karaoke, making speeches, being a key player at a religion deal-reading the Gospel or something, political stuff, sports - yeesh, the list is endless.  Heck, we even have star chiefs, designers and Ice Road Truckers.  Everybody needs a little light under the sun.

Though communication is hard, you do have two things going for you.  One, the time you have in together, and the second is time for you to think about it from a more relaxed and for the moment, more distant perspective.  Having a bit of time to sort it out is a luxury that I'm sure that many in your place would have wished for.





Last, if he is overseas at this time, under that kind of stress.  It could be just the way the mind will do something, anything to get around the reality.  It might just be a passing thing.

Thank you all for the wonderful insight and wisdom....My apologies for not comming on sooner.  Its just.. I guess its because I still have sooo many unanswered questions that are unlikey to be answered until he returns....Its just so wild that we've been together 3 years and living together for 1 and not once did he ever say a thing about it...and trust me when I tell you many opportunies to do so had arisen at various times..Now, my feelings haven't changed not one bit, I wrote him a very long and loving letter that I believe expressed the unconditional love and acceptance I have for him, but the very next day, he shut me out and picked a massive fight that lasted for 3 days....afterward we spoke a bit about it and it seems a little better..actually alot better, because he actually accepted my invitation for me to shop for him..little did I know, he not only wanted the underwear and all the accroutrements, but outside clothes as well...as a good faith loving gesture, I even bought him a wig...having found his old wig and shoes..(that was a shock, only because I had no idea). But now, a whole host of questions and worries have cropped up, not to mention, now that he is feeling I believe more comfortable with me about it, our conversations usually go full throttle into a sexual nature....unbelievably so...the way he speaks of it now you would think that he was a teenager again, with all his plans...I am totally into it, but my fear is what if this just an act? Even though everything I've managed to read says that mosts CD's are hetro, I am just not sure...I sent him a pair of my panties and now all he wants to talk about is how wonderful they are and how good they feel to wear.. Are there signs or "flags" that I could look for to know? So many questions and no answers..at least not from the one who needs to answer it..if I thought I was alone before, now I am just straight out isolated....*sigh*

Thanks again...
Gaia

From the way you describe it, it doesn't sound like an act. :) It sounds like someone who for once, doesn't feel he has to repress himself, and suddenly all these nice exciting things are in his head and he wants to share them with you because you're the one he wants. ;) :)

Could it really be just that simple?  I am so afraid of being sanbagged and bamboozled...Never in a billion years could anyone have told me this about him and expect me to believe it...now, here it is..while I wasn't sandbagged per se with it, well except finding his "stash" which wasn't much and had plausible reasons in my head...the very innocent opening that I gave him and the subsequent events from that point, has me all twisted...Mostly that I keep finding contrary information about CD's and sex....our sex life was so lousy for so long and now all of a sudden with 5000 miles between us its crazy and only since he told me...that's part of what's so confusing now about his sexuality and whether or not there is another shoe getting ready to be flung at me. He insists that he is straight but then I wrote a fictitious email questionire for him to answer which he did...he knew it was from me, and under the question about CD's and sex, did he like it straight, boy/boy, girl/girl or both....he said straight with a twist..Ack...now what the heck does that mean??? So very confusing...how does one support and accept when you just have no real answers?

I understand, it's hard to trust someone and let your guard down when you were just hit with a surprise. :-\ And now you wonder if there could be another surprise in the works.  But I think the best you can do is.. listen to his answers.  I don't think he would be talking to you like that if he were gay.  And let's say, for argument, that he's bi.. or even, as he said, 'straight with a twist'... it doesn't mean he's less devoted to or attracted to you.  Bisexuals are perfectly capable of settling down with and being happy with one person. :) So even if he is also attracted to men.. that in itself would not threaten you.

I'd agree, I totally understand how hard it is for a spouse in terms of trust -- since, if he could keep a secret like this from you this long, what else might be lurking around without you knowing? That's hard to deal with.

I'd agree with the comments that generally crossdressers are still self-identified as het males and retain their sexual interst in women (and perhaps the dressing is even part of that drive). Even if someone is bisexual wouldn't mean they still could not love and be committed to you, since you fall within the range of their attractions.

(As far as all that goes, even a notably high percentage of transwomen, pre and post surgery, compared to normal population, have lesbian-oriented sexual preferences.)

So for what it is worth, the behavior you've described falls within bounds and nothing seems weird about it, in terms of CD'ing. And since he mentioned the "twist" thing, no doubt he's hoping you ask him what that means; otherwise he would have not mentioned it.

I would just say that if you love him and want to keep going forward, feel free to do that. I would just work towards having an honest relationship with each other, so that he would not want to hide other things in future. I think in the past you had made some [generally reasonable] assumptions about what to expect in the relationship, and so you were really caught off-guard by what you found out. I think you just have to make sure that you both keep communicating, so that there aren't future gray areas like this that you both avoid (just like in any relationship). You love him, you've made a commitment already to him, but you can still always modify what your future relationship looks like depending on what you find out and what you decide you can live with and be happy. I think it's better to be brave and ask questions and not make assumptions that could spell trouble later, so that you can be sure of what you are committing to.

ditto, jenny...facing up to things just as they are with no pretentions or assumptions...without judgement or giving in to calling things what they aren't because it's what you'd rather hear.

it is what it is, the sooner you figure that out the sooner you can start making intelligent and informed decisions about what you want to do about it.  i see lots of possiblity here, very little reason for doubt.

Thank you all for helping me make sense of this...the rational part of me knows that the only way to get to the bottom of things is for us to have a heart to heart when he comes home..in 26 days..lol...now just because I don't have enough already to deal with, as I said originally, he proposed right before he left....now 5 months later I get this...before this, he would never entertain any discussion on wedding plans..since this, he now tells me as of an hour ago, that he wants to wed when he comes home...quiet at first, then plan a proper wedding for the spring.....

Aaw!  So do you consider that a good thing, or..?

Once upon a time yes..I love him and have no doubt whatsoever that he loves me...because there are so many unanswered questions, I just don't want to be bamboozled...I read about that guy in Florida that was outed by a reporter...was pretty prominent in the community, married many years with a kid, was outed as a CD, then turns out he was ->-bleeped-<-....actually had his/her 15 of fame for quite sometime then had the surgery...if it stops at just CD, then yes I would marry him in a second...but I don't want to marry him just so he can have a "facade wife" so his family would never know...does this make sense?

Your emotions make sense, yet I have to say, from what I've read here I feel like you have nothing to worry about. :)

But I think the only one who will be able to convince you of that is him.  If he seems open to answering your questions, keep asking until you are satisfied. :) At some point, though, you have to be able to trust him at his word.. because he is his own person, he is not that guy in Florida, he is him.

hi sweetie.  you know, i'm with tam tam here....it really doesn't sound as if you have anything to worry about.

i just want to point out from the perspective of a veteran who came home twice from war.  you change.  the world seems surreal to one coming from there to here.  one is amazed at all the things that have just been going on as normal while you were becoming perfectly acclimated to uncertainty and insanity.

i'm not saying it's so, but it can make one almost a different person.  what i mean is....all this is going to have to be dealt with too...his really well developed sence of uncertainty will come home with him.  please be kind and be patient...this can all work out for the best in the long run.  God bless with... 

Quote from: Emme on November 10, 2008, 07:23:39 AM
Here is something that worked for me, so maybe it will help you.  Consider the last case scenario.  In this case, it is he is a transsexual who is coming to terms with himself/herself.  Now, really think about how that would make you feel.  Could you accept him as a her?  Could you still love him, and be sexually attracted to him as a her?  Even if you were no longer sexually compatible, could you still love him and have a fulfilling emotional marriage with him as a her?  These are huge questions, so take your time and really be honest with yourself about what you can and can't work with. 

There is a method to my madness, so hear me out.  I was always 3 steps behind, so just when I got used to one stage, I was informed of a more progressive one.  I'd get used to that stage, then BAM! Another stage, more progressive than the last.  I don't recommned that.  It hurts, and it's exhausting.  When Cami called me from the road home from her first therapist appointment and told me we really needed to talk, I finally threw up my hands and said, "Ok.  I am preparing for total SRS.  I am preparing to lose my husband.  I am preparing to gain something that will be even better, even though I may not know what that is yet."  When she came home and told me exactly that, it wasn't as bad as it could be because I had already been preparing myself for it.

No one but your husband can tell you where the "end point" for all of this is.  But if you consider the most extreme outcome, and you find within yourself that you could get through it together and make a happy and healthy life together, then no matter what he tells you, it can't go any farther than that.  So no matter what, you know you're prepared to hear whatever he has to tell you.

Communicate, communicate, communicate.  I can't possibly stress this enough.  If you get scared, you have to tell him that.  If he gets confused, he has to tell you that.  It's constant, and it has to be consistent. 

This is a rather personal question, and feel free to not answer if you choose, but how agressive are you in the bedroom normally?  If you say "Not very", then maybe the CD allows him to be the submissive partner instead of the dominant one.  Women are usually discouraged from being agressive, and men have it beat into them that the more aggressive the better.  It really could be something as simple as that.

As for Tekla's comment about humiliation being liberating, there's a term for it and of course, it just flew out of my head.  When there is sexual trauma, in some cases the victim enjoys re-enacting that trauma within a safe environment.  The change is in the power dynamic, and it's completely psychological, and it allows the victim a way of processing the trauma.  I maight not be explaining that well, but it oculd be one of those "you have to be there" kinda things.

I just don't know...I think the shock/novelty of it all is finally wearing off...The magnitude and ramifications of this situation is tearing me up...The worst part of all this is simply not knowing and no answers to any questions from the one who needs to answer them...In answer to your question, here's our relationship in a nutshell...(sorrry no pun intended).  When we first met we hit it right off..we took our time building a friendship before taking it to the next level..when we did, it was fantastic and I thought I had finally found the perfect mate in all ways...shortly after that, he went on a pre-planned vacation and implied that he was going alone..when he came back, our intimate life went straight to hell in a handbasket..litterally...I put up with it because at the time his reasons wear plausible and to be honest I have a major health issue that sometimes prevents me from..well..you get it..anyway, about 6 months later I found out quite by accident that when he went on his vacation, he went with another woman...kind of suggest a little infidelity don't ya think...I confronted him, he denied any sexual involvement, which I still don't believe if for no other reason when he came back, that's when the intimate part went straight to hell.  We worked through that although it is still a source of anger for me on some levels...Now in answer to your question, I am all things "the whore in the bedroom, the lady in the drawing room".  I had tried every course that I knew of to get him interested in me and still there was always a "reason" "why he wasn't in the mood". I actually gave up, because you can only be rejected so many times before you get to the point where you don't care anymore.  I had even asked him at one point if he was gay,( his sister is lesbian), he denied this..yet he went to a doctor to get some "help" . I know he was taking it cause I counted how many pills were in the bottle and I certainly wasn't on the recieving end of any benefit from it.. 12 pills per bottle, 1 left. Hmm... So now here we are, before deployment, intimacy sort of improved, not by much, but a little, he proposes and then leaves....I had already made up my mind that I could work with a lack of sex in the relationship..don't need it all the time, but certainly more than once every 4 or 5 months...he's gone, we chat every night. Come halloween I made an innocuous comment about a costume and bam! he outs himself as CD.  Now here we are..While initially I was fine with it and still am to a degree, perhaps I am latent Bi ..at any rate heteroflexible, but honestly, I really don't think I want to marry a woman, if indeed that is what he is...playing abit is fine and exciting, certainly spicy, but I don't think I can deal with the only way he can be turned on is by being dressed up as a woman..with a name even! God I wish I could just talk to someone...I am now totally freaking out..our last conversation, he kept going on and on and on about "her" and dressing for me and all the things he wants to do sexually and I am ..freaking out!!!  I simply don't know what to do....and just because that isn't enough, I can't even ask him detailed questions about how far this goes and when I have tried as gently as possible he blows me off. I am trying to be supportive and accepting, went so far as to even by clothes, shoes, wig and makeup (and what a challenge and adventure that was!), as well as wrote him a couple of letters of love, support and acceptance. I was ok with this when it appeared that it was private and a bit of "fantasy fun" but aparently it is much more, a whole other persona and a female at that with a name! ...how the hell can, am I suppose to accept this when every damn conversation since this began is now about "her".  Oh blessed universe..stop the world..I want off....

Wow, it sounds as though there actually is a whole other level to this. :-\ Why does he blow you off when you ask questions?  That doesn't sound right.. he should be willing to answer your questions, you deserve to have answers.  Everything you're feeling is completely understandable.

This is your life, too.  If it truly is too much for you to handle, there's no shame in taking a break for a little while.  Being supportive and understanding doesn't include giving up what you deserve out of a relationship, remember that.  He might be a little too eager to share everything with you, I don't know... but if he won't answer your questions, I can see how that would make you less able to understand and accept what's going on.  This is a difficult situation.. can you let him know that if he keeps blowing you off, you won't be able to handle it?

Hi TamTam~
Because he is military, we do have to be careful about we write and talk about to a degree and there are only so many ways that you can phrase things to get the point of the question across...and more often than not, I get, we will talk when he comes home..well that is fine and dandy, but now every conversation breeds more questions and uncertanty...Is this normal?  He can talk about his "other half" but won't answer even simple questions...he's like a kid in a candy store now and I'm the bad mommy for wanting answers.  I like to believe that I am a very open-minded and accepting person..My friends all say I am almost to accepting of things to a fault..and NO, no one in our circle of friends, not even my best friend knows about this. So what the hell am I suppose to do?

It's hard to say. :-\ My first instinct would be to say something like, "Listen, if you won't answer my questions until you get home then can you wait to tell me all the details until you get home, too?"  If he's making you wait, then he should be able to wait, too.  This is a lot of information for you to have to deal with all on your own when he's not there to reassure you and won't give you any answers.  Why should he get to bombard you with all the information he decides you can know right now, and then he can choose to withold other things from you until you're face to face?  No.. that's not fair.. all of it should wait until you're face to face, and that way, you both have some time to calm down and clear your heads.  And then, when you actually are face to face, you can have a real conversation about it, and be productive, and have less chance of misunderstandings and being frightened and worried.

But that's just me. :-\ I don't know him, I don't know how well that would go over.  You're not 'the bad mommy'... I think it's interesting, I've seen so many SOs feeling like they are bad mommies taking candy from their spouses/gfs/bfs.  That's not how it is.  You're both adults, and no matter how excited and happy your SO is, he still has to remember he's in a committed relationship involving two people, and both people are important.  You're not asking him to stop being who he is, or stop being happy- all you're doing is asking questions, questions which you deserve to have answers for.  So please don't feel bad about that.. :)

Honestly TamTam..right now I am eating valium like candy.  As I said before, I believe I can accept a good deal of it...possibly all, but its the not knowing that is flipping me out..because of our present situation, I have been walking a very fine line because I think either you or PJ pointed out, love and support is so very important. I can't even imagine how difficult keeping a secret like this must have been, let alone the courage it had to take to actually tell me. I love that he obviously trusts and loves me enough to share it, and I would never reject him because of it...I just need answers that I am not getting and feel like I have now unleashed a uncontrollable kid at christmas...I don't want him not to feel free to talk about it, but I am overwhelmed and ..*sigh*..I give up..I can't even make any sense about it in my head let alone try to type it out..I'm sorry..thank you for everything...

Gaia

::hugs::

It's okay.  It really is. :) I think you're amazing for wanting to stay with him, and support him, and for being so understanding.  But it's still easy to get overwhelmed.. do you practice meditation?  Yoga?  Can you go for a run around the block, listen to your favorite music and zone out for a while?  I get overwhelmed quite easily myself.. even about small things.. but what helps is getting my mind away from it for a while.

Thank you TamTam....currently I am practicing self medication..lol...just so I don't come unglue with his apparent selfishness.  I have kind of an understanding how he must be feeling, relief, freedom etc...but he is not seeing what it is doing to me....I can only "pretend" so long...and I don't mean that I am pretending that I am fine with everything just for his benefit, I mean pretending that his not giving me the full answers I need is ok for the time being when obviously it isn't...I can't escape my head..I've tried reading and learning all I can about this, but there are still to many missing pieces to the puzzle...and again so much contrary information about it that I just can't desimilate what's what anymore...

Hi SO13,

I think your biggest fear at this time is to wonder what else he is hiding. He has hidden this huge thing from you for so long it must feel a bit like a betrayal or trust. You have been saying things like "what if he is gay" and implied that perhaps he could be a transsexual. I think you smell a rat and maybe you should trust that instinct. The whole smoke screen around the vacation he took really set off alarm bells for me. If everything was above board you would not be feeling the way you do - considering that you actually are open minded and open to the idea of a bit of fetish/fantasy style play. I would trust your instincts, they sound strong.

It certainly sounds like his sexuality is strongly tied to his dressing, it sounds like it is his muse and fetish. You have already said this will not work for you.

It certainly sounds like he is pretty obsessive about his fem persona and in his glee at revealing his secret he is totally ignoring your needs. It is a possible they are a woman and even they might not realise it - though I must say in my experience, transsexuals with sexual difficulties don't magically get over them just by dressing and role-playing in the bedroom. The difficulties seem to come more from having incongruent genitals and it just feels wrong to use them.

You suspect he is hiding more than he is letting on. I think this is a possibility too.

How would you feel about listing out all the things you want in the relationship and what things you could put up with in terms of his dressing/behaviour? List them out. Think about which ones you could bend on and which ones are core things. It may come down to either him being honest and you marking your list to see if you are actually compatable, or you deciding that the lack of answers is not good enough for you to invest more into the relationship. Maybe it will help you feel some control over the situation as currently you are floating and he is holding all the cards. Let him know you are evaluating things and that he should not get carried away at this stage because he sounds like a bulldozer.

If he can't be honest with you then this is not a particularly strong base for a long term relationship. I would advise not accepting the proposal until you get it sorted out. Trust your instincts. Your instincts are saying something is not right.

Emme's idea is a good one.  Write down your questions- it'll help your thoughts get sorted, instead of staying a confusing jumble.

I don't know what can be said that hasn't already been said, but there is a lot of awesome advice here.  For me, my wife knew about my needs and desires well before we ever got married, but it wasn't until recently that she really opened up to allowing me to dress and have play time with her as it is a great turn-on for me.  It has added a great spice to our sex life even when not cross-dressed because it got some of those urges out of my system and let me concentrate on being a man when she needed me to be.

One thing I have told my wife, and it's true, is that I don't look at attractive women (or any women for that matter) with lust.  I look at them with envy.  I don't want to be with any other woman, but I would love to BE any of the women I see.

Good luck to you.  It sounds like you are far better off than most women in your position.  You have a good head on your shoulders, and an honest man.  That's a great start.

"I don't look at attractive women (or any women for that matter) with lust.  I look at them with envy.  I don't want to be with any other woman, but I would love to BE any of the women I see."

What does that mean? That you long to be a woman all the way around?..This is so confusing..thank you all for the support and words of encouragement...I am very appreciative of all of it, but I am now more confused then ever...none of this makes any sense to me and there are just to many layers that are unknown on this subject and with him...First he's hetero who like to wear girl undies...very cool..now its he like to wear girl clothes and shoes and the whole kit and caboodle...his sex drive has increased 5k miles away with the thought of having sex dressed as a woman with me and now he actually wants to go on the town...not our town, but out somewhere where we wouldn't be recognized and actually has a whole female persona and a name!...what the hell?!?!..I've gone completely batty over all this...*crying*

                                                                                                                    *gone*

::nods:: Therapy, honey.  Someone who will know how to take all the different threads you have, and weave them together so you can make sense of them, or at least view them with a calmer, less frantic eye.

I've held off weighing in on your thread because I don't know much about cross dressing. My wife is M2F and will be starting hormones in the not too distant future.

I think everyone else has given you good advice. I'm not going to add too much other than if you do go the therapy route, please try to find a gender experienced therapist. It will make a significant difference as they will understand gender issues such as cross dressing and transition.

One of the things I said to Dani after she came out to me was "Is this all we're going to talk about?" It wasn't that I didn't want to, but I was getting sensory overload. She had 30+ years to figure this out, I was working on a month or so at that point :P We as SO's often need a lot of time to adjust and accept things. Often our partners want to go full speed ahead because they now feel free having gotten the monkey off their chest.  It sounds like your partner's gone to light speed; he needs to slow down and let you catch up.

Unfortunately, we can't tell you exactly what your partner means by what he says. We can make some educated guesses, but he is the only person who can say exactly what he means. Sadly, if you must wait until he returns from duty, then there isn't much else we can suggest other than talk to him then. But writing down what your concerns are is a good idea. That way you can vent some anger and you also won't forget anything.

*However* you do NOT have to do ANYTHING you are not comfortable with and that includes going out in public with him dressed. If your partner is not accepting of that, or accepting of the fact that you want some more specific answers and time to make your peace with things, then I'd really reconsider the whole proposal/marriage. Secrets are not a way to begin a relationship.

If you do decide to continue the relationship, then I'd like to recommend couple's therapy sessions. Dani and I have found them very helpful for our journey through her transition.

Sending lots of hugs,

WR

Quote from: SO13 on November 11, 2008, 06:07:56 PM
"I don't look at attractive women (or any women for that matter) with lust.  I look at them with envy.  I don't want to be with any other woman, but I would love to BE any of the women I see."

What does that mean? That you long to be a woman all the way around?..This is so confusing..thank you all for the support and words of encouragement...I am very appreciative of all of it, but I am now more confused then ever...none of this makes any sense to me and there are just to many layers that are unknown on this subject and with him...First he's hetero who like to wear girl undies...very cool..now its he like to wear girl clothes and shoes and the whole kit and caboodle...his sex drive has increased 5k miles away with the thought of having sex dressed as a woman with me and now he actually wants to go on the town...not our town, but out somewhere where we wouldn't be recognized and actually has a whole female persona and a name!...what the hell?!?!..I've gone completely batty over all this...*crying*

                                                                                                                    *gone*

I'm sorry if I confused you, or upset you.  It certainly wasn't my intention.  The fact is, your special person is simply that... special.  His needs and any of our needs will never be exactly the same.  I can only speak from my own experiances as can anyone else here.  Don't let your mind go crazy with all the possibilities, or take it to the extremes in your mind without learning what it is that makes your man tick.  But I agree, get some therapy.  But to qualify this a bit, get therapy with someone that is well trained in gender related issues.  There are some out there that think they've read Freud and know what it's all about.  Do some research and find the ones that are good in this area.

Again, sorry if I upset you.  I feel for you.  I think we all do.