Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I don't really know any other way to describe it but often I feel really broken. It is like I live in half the world, limping along, trying to get by, dodging through the politics of the gendered.

I'm really not sure how to become a whole person. I desire hormone therapy and I think that would make me feel better about my body. But would this allow me to feel whole? I don't think it would. I'm starting to suspect that I need to be a part of a world that has a place for me. While it would be grand if everyone was accepting of androgynes I'm not sure if this would suffice.

I think for me to feel whole I need to be part of my own culture. I don't think I will ever feel part of cisgendered culture. It is like I'm in a parallel universe. I think you need one to know one. We are so rare that perhaps at best we could form mentor like relationships with older 'non binaries', kind of like being an apprentice to a sith lord (especially if apprenticed to Pica's  ;)). Maybe we need to form some sort of tradition where androgynes pass their knowledge on to the next generation of androgynes so that we feel part of a greater whole.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I feel it is in my grasp but can't quite figure it out. I think part of the problem is I have never had an adult androgyne rolemodel to follow. I'm a bit like a runaway child going ferel for lack of guidence or teaching. I envy the native american two spirit traditions. I think this is what I want - that tradition of place, tradition of shared knowledge, social standing, a link to the history of my people, maybe even a sense of purpose, to be valued for what I am.

I feel like I am one of the lost chilldren in madmax 2. They were in a plane that crashed near an oasis in a wasteland. The adults all left to get help and never came back. They had a life, and a society but they were lost, and looking for something more, they wanted guidence, and to get back to their 'place' in the world.

I'm sorry you're feeling down. I used to feel broken but I've been feeling better for a while. 

You're right about needing to be with other people like ourselves. I was hanging out with gay people for a while and that felt better because at least I could be open and not ignored or laughed at. It's a coincidence but I saw a comment on another site where the person said they were starting a mentoring program. They have a site somewhere and people can go there looking for someone with experience to help bring them along. The idea is that people of all T flavors can find someone to form one of these relationships with. Sort of like a big brother / big sister thing.

You may also be at an extremely sensitive point in your life right now. That would magnify negative feelings for you.

I dont know if broken is the best word but I definitely feel wrong and are very concerned that I will never find someone who will Love me as an inbetween freak
I also relate to most of what you said Nicky
would like more info on tht site rebis

A lot of the time.  Broken, wrong, less than human, unreal.

I don't think I am particulalry negative at the moment, not particulalry low or anything. Just been musing and exploring what would make me feel better. But I would agree that I am at an "extremely sensitive point", sitting on the edge of doing something significant.

I guess I'm weighing up whether I would really benefit from hormone therapy - I think I certainly would but I'm not sure if I would be happier for it.

I've often felt broken and half a person...it sucks doesn't it. Been feeling very questioning and back and forthy recently. Last week I decided I was a woman, two days ago I decided I was a man, and it all goes back to androgyne. For me, knowing that there are others who share my viewpoint is enough to make me feel whole, not all the times of course, but most of the time.

It is a real pain that we don't have rolemodels  or traditions without looking a long way out of (most of our) share culture. Unfortunately the western tradition is so tied to the concept of binary everything. Maybe we should all read lao tsu and Confucius, try and get some of that going.

Though I spose we at least do have a shared mentorship on this forum, all of us are as lost in our own ways as each other... we can take stuff from each other. And maybe go some way in building a culture or tradition for those after us to find... hopefully.

I believe that the mentoring program Reb mentioned is on Livejournal.  :) 

I used to feel broken, empty and all of that.  It is a very difficult thing to get out of.  My best advice is that when you get hit by those negative thoughts, to think of something that makes you happy.  I know it's hard, but if you make a conscious effort, it does work.  I hate to say it, but you really have to do it yourself.  The whole time I was like that, I kept waiting and looking for someone to help me and it just made me feel more and more alone.  But when I finally decided that I was sick of that endless cycle and I started really concentrating on my thoughts/feelings and stopping the negative/empty feelings when they started, I felt so much better.  I was in that empty/broken cycle for about four years and I've been out of it for about a year.  My whole life has changed because I decided to stop feeling bad.  It really is a conscious decision that you have to make.  It sucks, I know.  I'm still waiting for someone, but I can be happy on my own now.

The key is "mind over matter".  It might sound hokey, but it works.  :)

Quote from: Jaimey on October 30, 2008, 05:29:18 PM
I believe that the mentoring program Reb mentioned is on Livejournal.  :) 
But when I finally decided that I was sick of that endless cycle and I started really concentrating on my thoughts/feelings and stopping the negative/empty feelings when they started, I felt so much better.  I was in that empty/broken cycle for about four years and I've been out of it for about a year.  My whole life has changed because I decided to stop feeling bad.  It really is a conscious decision that you have to make.

This is a decision I made, and it mostly seems to work.

Some days are better than others. Some days are worse. Some days i'm happy in guy mode; other days I crave to be one of the women that I see around me. On those days I try to distract myself and try not to think about it too much.

I think your probably right Jaimey. I kind of am and have been waiting for someone to give me a hand. I guess I will need to be my own agent of change.

Perhaps, as Pica said, something to work towards is creating something for others to become a part of. We need a legacy.

I've been toying with the idea of setting up a regular androgyne video conference (skype probably). An opportunity to see and talk to other androgynes real time - something a bit more tangible than typing at each other. Would anyone be interested? Just to say Allo? Whasup my androgynes!

Don't laugh at me, but watching "The Secret" helped me a lot.  Now, I'm not usually one for that sort of thing, but there are a lot of good ideas in that movie for how to change your thoughts.  It sort of hit home because my grandfather was always going on about "it's all in the head" and "mind over matter"...it used to irritate me, but now that I'm an adult, I get it.  :D

If I had the technology, I'd be interested in the video conference...sadly, Jaimey is lacking... :'(

Maybe a live chat though?  I think I could manage that (somebody needs to upgrade hir computer skills...
:laugh:).

How does that skype thing work?

Is it evil?

can you have more than two people on at once?

I have to know about the evil because I won't install anything that may be trouble to me or my computers.  Because I love them. There I said it. Some people have cats. I have computers. I can't keep my hands off of them, in fact, I'm touching one right now.

NIcky I completely know what you're feeling...

Quote from: Rebis on October 31, 2008, 09:07:54 PM
How does that skype thing work?

Is it evil?

can you have more than two people on at once?

I have to know about the evil because I won't install anything that may be trouble to me or my computers.  Because I love them. There I said it. Some people have cats. I have computers. I can't keep my hands off of them, in fact, I'm touching one right now.

Skype acts like a chat program (like MSN or Yahoo! Messenger) but uses voice over ip to basically make it a phone call. Its safe (download the client from the official website, of course) and free. I've never tried to talk to more than one person at a time. Then again, I don't like talking on the phone, so talking over the computer does little for me XD

yeah. I don't like phones either.

Having several people would be interesting, though.

somehow, I think either we'd be awkwardly silent and making bad small talk or everyone would try to talk at once and no one would be able to hear anything. :laugh:

I meant to say that having several people meet electronically might be interesting.

I hear the hemming and hawing too.

You'd have to have a good topic/reason to get together and have a backup topic just in case. Working on a project might be interesting enough to get people to interact more readily.

Quote from: Rebis on November 02, 2008, 01:11:50 PM
I meant to say that having several people meet electronically might be interesting.

I hear the hemming and hawing too.

You'd have to have a good topic/reason to get together and have a backup topic just in case. Working on a project might be interesting enough to get people to interact more readily.

Yeah, been working on that. Was thinking of having a topic of the day kind of thing...

Skype is great, unfortunately there would be a skight delay just like other international calls so more than two people would get confusing (though I am unsure is skype allows for more than 2 way conversation anyways - will look into it).

what about conferencing software? like video conferencing but still audio ready if the people don't want to use cameras.

that all sounds very complicated when it's likely we all have instant messenger.

Posted on: November 02, 2008, 08:26:35 pm

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and even an androgyne chat room here.

what's a chat room do?

don't you have to write everything?

If I recall, the Quran expressly forbids communication through typing.

I thought it would be cool just to see androgyne faces in action and hear androgyne voices.

I don't look or sound androgyne.   ???

Quote from: Rebis on November 02, 2008, 08:59:22 PM
I don't look or sound androgyne.   ???

Yes you do. It is what you are and you are what it is.

Quote from: Rebis on November 02, 2008, 08:59:22 PM
I don't look or sound androgyne.   ???

me either...not only that, but i saw a pic one of my friends took on Halloween...yeah, nobody needs to see that.  it was not flattering, to say the least...

plus there's that whole you need a camera thing... ;D

Quote from: Pica Pica on November 02, 2008, 07:27:50 PM
that all sounds very complicated when it's likely we all have instant messenger.

Posted on: November 02, 2008, 08:26:35 pm

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and even an androgyne chat room here.

I've never found anyone at the androgyne chat when I visited  :(

Z

Quote from: Zythyra on November 02, 2008, 09:28:02 PM

Quote from: Pica Pica on November 02, 2008, 07:27:50 PM
that all sounds very complicated when it's likely we all have instant messenger.

Posted on: November 02, 2008, 08:26:35 pm

---

and even an androgyne chat room here.

I've never found anyone at the androgyne chat when I visited  :(

Z

but does it involve typing? I have a feeling that androgynes are gum flappers rather than finger tappers.

I've never been there, if it's live typing, I don't see the advantage. i like these forums. You have time to correct your message or rethink it before posting.

Quote from: Rebis on November 02, 2008, 11:44:07 PM
but does it involve typing? I have a feeling that androgynes are gum flappers rather than finger tappers.

I've never been there, if it's live typing, I don't see the advantage. i like these forums. You have time to correct your message or rethink it before posting.

Yes, chat is live typing. THe few times I tried it, nobody was talking about being androgyne, just chatting about whatever came to mind....

Z

Chat was fun back when it was new, in the mid 90s and all, but anymore I can't do it.  Too time consuming.  I like posting much better.

Posting is more civilized in my opinion.


::)

Dissapointing  :(

I guess skyping is okay. I'd prefer a meeting type app, though. Then we could be a mob together

Actually meeting in person, real live chat in the same room would be awesome

Z

Though I've 'met' and talked to, and even had long letter exchanges with many people on the net, nothing beats having coffee together.

Broken lines, broken strings,
Broken threads, broken springs,
Broken idols, broken heads,
People sleeping in broken beds.
Ain't no use jiving
Ain't no use joking
Everything is broken.

Broken bottles, broken plates,
Broken switches, broken gates,
Broken dishes, broken parts,
Streets are filled with broken hearts.
Broken words never meant to be spoken,
Everything is broken.

Seem like every time you stop and turn around
Something else just hit the ground

Broken cutters, broken saws,
Broken buckles, broken laws,
Broken bodies, broken bones,
Broken voices on broken phones.
Take a deep breath, feel like you're chokin',
Everything is broken.

Every time you leave and go off someplace
Things fall to pieces in my face

Broken hands on broken ploughs,
Broken treaties, broken vows,
Broken pipes, broken tools,
People bending broken rules.
Hound dog howling, bull frog croaking,
Everything is broken.

Bob Dylan, Copyright ©1989 Special Rider Music

I'll see your Dylan, and raise you a Warren.

Mysterious, blown in with the night
All this beauty captured in a frame
Visibly shaken, but never stirred
Drives them insane
I see the way she plays her men
And I know I've got to know her name
She's so beautifully broken
Shaped by the wind
Dangerously twisted
Here I go again

I see the way she cast her spell
It's like drowning in moonlight
Discards them she's done
They're lost in her twilight
I watch her move from star to star
And I wonder why, why it feels so right

She's so beautifully broken
You can barely see the flaw
Especially from a distance
Which is always how I fall

Why do I fall for the dangerous ones
The ones that never learned to let go
And why do I lie to myself
And pretend that I can break her
When she's already been so
Beautifully broken

Why do I fall for the dangerous ones
The ones that don't know how to let go
And why do I lie to myself
And pretend that I could break her
When she's already been so

Beautifully broken
Shaped by the wind
Dangerously twisted
Here I go again, here I go again

Quote from: tekla on November 03, 2008, 07:35:24 PM
I'll see your Dylan, and raise you a Warren.

Good one!

Z

Great song, I've heard him play it live, with just him on an acoustic, and it makes me cry.  You should be able to find it on LimeWire, or what ever 'legal' service you use.

or.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-Ke5IM6moc (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-Ke5IM6moc)

Quote from: tekla on November 03, 2008, 08:05:36 AM
Chat was fun back when it was new, in the mid 90s and all, but anymore I can't do it.  Too time consuming.  I like posting much better.

My thoughts exactly, except I used to be geek enough that for me chat was fun and new in the early 90's and late 80's (and even then it wasn't new in an objective sense). But now it's time to get out and have a cup of coffee with people that are physically present. See you in a while. :icon_caffine:

  Nfr

I've had the same sort of feeling lately.  The whole "broken" thing.  For the longest time I felt like I was going crazy.  I knew I hadn't completely lost it because one of the guy friends I grew up with from when we were both in elementary school was born a girl.  So I was no stranger to the idea that your identity didn't have to match the sex you were born as.  Still, I felt crazy because I didn't see myself as completely female or completely male.  Looking back on it, I guess I sort of knew for a long time.  But I've only just come to terms (sort of) with the whole thing.  There are still days when I feel like I'm losing it and it really scares me sometimes, but at the same time I can't help but be relieved to know that I'm not the only one who doesn't identify as strictly male or strictly female, but more of a blending of the two.  So I understand where you're coming from.  Sorry if I sound like I'm rambling, I don't talk much about this and it's good to get it off my chest.

Maybe I'm becoming rather arrogant, but it looks more and more looks like the rest of the world is broken.

Hi Frost,

Welcome to Susans. Don't worry about rambling. We all start out like that.


Hi Kaelin,

Don't sweat it. You can never be too arrogant.   :laugh:

Quote from: Rebis on December 06, 2008, 04:16:11 PM
Don't sweat it. You can never be too arrogant.   :laugh:

heheh.  I may quote you on that, Reb.  :D

How arrogant of you!

Is it arrogance when you're just telling the truth about how vasty superior you are?

well, I am vastly superior.  How nice of you to notice.   :)

Quote from: Rebis on December 07, 2008, 10:00:39 PM
well, I am vastly superior.  How nice of you to notice.   :)

I'm so perceptive sometimes it scares me.  :icon_blink:

heheh.  >:-)

Broken isn't the word, but I know the feeling. Everyone needs to belong. Cisgender have an advantage of belonging to a huge group (about 3 billion) of the same gendered people, but androgynes are sorely lacking.  There's only one reason that has ever motivated me to possibly live as cisgender and it's this.

Typing is good. Voice and video are better. Being in person is best.