Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Viola(Sorry, no violin):

How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.

Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case?
They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it.
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a viola case?
They think he's carrying a viola and might be about to use it.


Trombone :

What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't

How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?
His hat says "Domino's Pizza"

What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?
A optimist.

Percussion :

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.

Vocalist :

What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.

General Music :

Why do b->-bleeped-<-ipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.

How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.

What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison

Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
Start with two million.

And of course... The Great Guitar:

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him some sheet music.

How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
Put a chart in front of him.

:laugh: Nice!

Q: What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
A: Puts on her clothes and goes home.

Q: What's the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?
A: The dressmaker tucks up the frills.

Q: Why are soprano jokes all one-liners?
A: So tenors can understand them.

There are no good bass jokes. Alas.  :-\

--

This is a classic for choir geeks:

"The Young Person's Guide To The Choir" (http://www.comedycorner.org/70.html)

That choir guide was funny :)

couple more guitar ones:

What is the first sign you're Halluncinating?
      Two electric guitar players are playing in tune

What do you call in "in-tune electric guitar"?
      An oxymoron.

What's the difference between a guitar player and a certificate of deposit?
      The CD will eventually mature and make money.

How do you get 2 electric guitar players to play in perfect unison ?
      Shoot one of them.

How can you tell a drummer is at your door?
The knocking gets faster.

What's the difference between an accordian and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a fiddle-player and a dog with fleas?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
45: 1 to change the bulb and 44 to keep the lead guitarist from jumping into the light.

What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A bassoon burns longer.

Quote from: Jack Daniels on November 07, 2008, 11:47:53 AM
How do you get 2 electric guitar players to play in perfect unison ?
      Shoot one of them.

How do you get two flute players to play in tune together?
-- Shoot one of them.

How do you get two piccolo players to play in tune together?
-- Shoot both.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ftbn0.google.com%2Fimages%3Fq%3Dtbn%3AlkYus5SbhgeraM%3Ahttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.viola-in-music.com%2Fimages%2FlogoLaviolastave.GIF&hash=a0a7175a78e61298e4fdf48ae9c71719dea9c148)

A Violist parked his car on 42nd street - leaving his Viola on the back seat - while he ran into a store. Not a smart thing to do in New York City!
When he came out he found the side window was smashed, his car stereo ripped out of the dash, his cellular phone was gone ... and there were two Violas on the back seat.

A man walks into a pub in Belfast, Ireland, with a large plastic bag under one arm. The bartender asks, "What's that you go there."

The man replies, "Six pounds o' Semtex."

The bartender exclaims, "Praise be to Jayzus, I thought it was a bodhran!"

What's the difference between a large pizza and a drummer?
The large pizza can feed a family.

What do you throw to a drowning bass player?
The Amp.

Q: What's the difference between a Violin and a Cello?
A: The Cello burns longer on a campfire!

Q: What's the difference between a Violin and a Fiddle?
A: A fiddle is fun to listen to.

Q: What's the other difference between a Violin and a Fiddle?
A: The fiddle has beer stains on it.

Q: What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an anchor?
A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.

Q: What has 20 teeth, claps, dances around and sings along?
A: The front row at a country concert.

Q. How many strings does a banjo have?
A. Five too many.

Q. What's the best way to tune a banjo?
A. With wire cutters.

Q. What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
A. The chain saw has a greater dynamic range and is more often in tune.

Tell me, Tekla, how did I know you would have some of the best input to this thread? ;)

Tragic, my best ones would get me kicked off the site, but they are funny.

Quote from: tekla on November 07, 2008, 03:06:52 PM
Tragic, my best ones would get me kicked off the site, but they are funny.

After the Cleveland Steamer incident, I hesitate to read some of the things you would consider funny.

And, I mean that with all due respect.

As well you should.

At work when I say "Trust Me" everyone freezes until I tell them I have adult supervision.  They know I don't, but somehow it makes them feel better to believe that.

Sorry to all the violists out there, but..

A viola player went to a piano recital. After the performance he went up to the pianist and said, "You know, I particularly liked that piece you played last--the one that started with a long trill."

The pianist said, "Huh? I didn't play any pieces that started with trills."

The viola player said, "You know--[he hums the opening bars of Für Elise.]"

How can you tell when there's a soprano at your door?

She can't find the key and she doesn't know when to come in.

What does it mean when a guitarist is drooling from both corners of his mouth?

The stage is level.

Quote from: Shades O'Grey on November 08, 2008, 03:35:28 PM
What does it mean when a guitarist is drooling from both corners of his mouth?

The stage is level.

Hey Shades, do you play any instruments(just curious)? And thanks for that, guess Ill make sure somethin is level the next time I play :)


A first violinist, a second violinist, a virtuoso violist, and a bass player are at the four corners of a football field. At the signal, someone drops a 100 dollar bill in the middle of the field and they run to grab it. Who gets it?
The second violinist, because:
   1.No first violinist is going anywhere for only 100 dollars.
   2.There's no such thing as a virtuoso violist.
   3.The bass player hasn't figured out what it's all about.

Quote from: Jack Daniels on November 08, 2008, 06:48:36 PM
Hey Shades, do you play instruments(just curious)? And thanks for that, guess Ill make sure somethin is level the next time I play :)

Guitar is my primary instrument. I also play keyboard/piano a bit.

Yeah! Another guitar player, and to celebrate, another guitar joke:



Q - What do a cup of coffee and Eric Clapton have in common?

A - They both suck without Cream


Q - How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune ?

A - Evidently all of them.


Q - Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners?

A - So the rest of the band can understand them.


Q - What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?

A - A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes.


Q - What's worse than telling jokes about guitarists?

A - Laughing at 'em.


Q - What did the guitarist say to his crying guitar?

A - Don't fret!

How do you get a guitarist to stop playing?
Give him some sheet music

Definition of a gentleman
SOmeone who can play banjo, but doesn't

Definition of perfect pitch
When you throw a banjo into the dumpster without hitting the sides, and... it lands on the accordion

How to end up with a million dollars in music
Start with 2 million