Community Conversation => Transgender talk => Topic started by: Pariah on November 30, 2008, 06:27:07 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Losing the Ability to Suppress my Feelings
Post by: Pariah on November 30, 2008, 06:27:07 PM
Post by: Pariah on November 30, 2008, 06:27:07 PM
This is the first time besides my introduction I'v posted something about myself in topic form, so please be gentle. If it sounds like Im rambling on a bit, it's because I'm nervous.
Well, the title kind of says it all. Recently, I've started losing the ability to keep locked up my feelings. I'm a biological male who wants to be a girl (That's why I'm here :D) and since I'm 18, no-one can really say anything against it. I actually have a few problems culminated into one, so...if it's ok, I'll just put it all together.
Growing up, I didn't know about hormones. I think that may perhaps be my biggest problem. I want to take hormones, but I feel like I'm too old for them to have any effect. I also want to feminize my appearance, but my crazy hair wont work with me (it's...:embarrassed: it's like a mix between an afro and...a bush), as well as the whole buying of female clothes thing. But, my biggest emotional block is my family; it's been expressly stated that if I was gay, I'd be disowned. My family wouldn't understand that I'm NOT gay, but that I have heavy trans. emotions. All of this is starting to dull my normaly upbeat and cheery personality, and I'm getting more depressed and synical day by day. And since I DIDN'T get a dorm in some other state for college, I'm STILL under my parents roof, as my financial aid won't cover my education AND a dorm. :-\ If I attempt any of this and it goes awry, I'll be homeless. The only thing I have in my favor is I am easily mistaken for a girl if I have a hat and scarf on.
That's why I want to hear your opinions. Should I TRY to come out to them, even when I have a terrible feeling about it? What can I do to slowly (but noticably to me) change myself into who I feel like inside? Should I take hormones (I STILL don't know where to get them), what should I do about my hair? Anything will help, because frankly I'm lost in a sea where I spend nearly hours a day staring at a mirror hoping I will magically change, and the other time of my day staring at a ceiling in a fear of my life going into a void of misery from my dicisions or lack thereof.
Well, the title kind of says it all. Recently, I've started losing the ability to keep locked up my feelings. I'm a biological male who wants to be a girl (That's why I'm here :D) and since I'm 18, no-one can really say anything against it. I actually have a few problems culminated into one, so...if it's ok, I'll just put it all together.
Growing up, I didn't know about hormones. I think that may perhaps be my biggest problem. I want to take hormones, but I feel like I'm too old for them to have any effect. I also want to feminize my appearance, but my crazy hair wont work with me (it's...:embarrassed: it's like a mix between an afro and...a bush), as well as the whole buying of female clothes thing. But, my biggest emotional block is my family; it's been expressly stated that if I was gay, I'd be disowned. My family wouldn't understand that I'm NOT gay, but that I have heavy trans. emotions. All of this is starting to dull my normaly upbeat and cheery personality, and I'm getting more depressed and synical day by day. And since I DIDN'T get a dorm in some other state for college, I'm STILL under my parents roof, as my financial aid won't cover my education AND a dorm. :-\ If I attempt any of this and it goes awry, I'll be homeless. The only thing I have in my favor is I am easily mistaken for a girl if I have a hat and scarf on.
That's why I want to hear your opinions. Should I TRY to come out to them, even when I have a terrible feeling about it? What can I do to slowly (but noticably to me) change myself into who I feel like inside? Should I take hormones (I STILL don't know where to get them), what should I do about my hair? Anything will help, because frankly I'm lost in a sea where I spend nearly hours a day staring at a mirror hoping I will magically change, and the other time of my day staring at a ceiling in a fear of my life going into a void of misery from my dicisions or lack thereof.
Title: Re: Losing the Ability to Suppress my Feelings
Post by: Nero on November 30, 2008, 06:40:31 PM
Post by: Nero on November 30, 2008, 06:40:31 PM
You are NOT too old. Are you kidding? okay, while there's no reversing the puberty you went through, you are at the perfect age to start. most girls in their late teens and early 20s do really well with HRT.
as far as knowing where to get hormones, your therapist will give you a letter for that and recommend a prescriber.
as far as knowing where to get hormones, your therapist will give you a letter for that and recommend a prescriber.
Title: Re: Losing the Ability to Suppress my Feelings
Post by: TamTam on November 30, 2008, 06:59:03 PM
Post by: TamTam on November 30, 2008, 06:59:03 PM
For your hair- have you tried blow drying it, flat ironing it, curling ironing it, using mousse, hair gel?
For your parents- I'd say hold off on telling them until you're done with college and you can support yourself without their help. :-\ I'm sorry, but.. in the worse case scenario, it would be good if you at least had a place of your own to go to, instead of being on the streets without a degree. In the meantime, you could build a support group for yourself out of people you know wouldn't/don't mind.
And for what you can do now- makeup. :D Just make sure to hide it, I guess. :-\ And you can start training your voice to sound more feminine. :) You can keep your finger and toe nails nicely shaped. :) And you can use a nice moisturizer on your face to make it softer and more glowy.
You're not too old for hormones to have an effect, not at all. :) There's people here who transitioned after.. er.. after middle age, I believe. And it still certainly had an effect. ;) :) You get hormones from a doctor after you've talked to a gender therapist and they've signed on saying you can get them. Don't get your hormones illegally because if the dosage isn't monitored properly, it could be very dangerous. [Just had to say that just in case.]
For your parents- I'd say hold off on telling them until you're done with college and you can support yourself without their help. :-\ I'm sorry, but.. in the worse case scenario, it would be good if you at least had a place of your own to go to, instead of being on the streets without a degree. In the meantime, you could build a support group for yourself out of people you know wouldn't/don't mind.
And for what you can do now- makeup. :D Just make sure to hide it, I guess. :-\ And you can start training your voice to sound more feminine. :) You can keep your finger and toe nails nicely shaped. :) And you can use a nice moisturizer on your face to make it softer and more glowy.
You're not too old for hormones to have an effect, not at all. :) There's people here who transitioned after.. er.. after middle age, I believe. And it still certainly had an effect. ;) :) You get hormones from a doctor after you've talked to a gender therapist and they've signed on saying you can get them. Don't get your hormones illegally because if the dosage isn't monitored properly, it could be very dangerous. [Just had to say that just in case.]
Title: Re: Losing the Ability to Suppress my Feelings
Post by: Ms Bev on December 01, 2008, 08:37:39 AM
Post by: Ms Bev on December 01, 2008, 08:37:39 AM
Quote from: TamTam on November 30, 2008, 06:59:03 PM
There's people here who transitioned after.. er.. after middle age, I believe. And it still certainly had an effect. ;) :)
There are people who transitioned in their 50's, and got a remarkable result. If you take hormones, the changes are gradual. People who see you every day don't really notice the change, until someday....wham, they see it. I managed to stay in 'guy-hiding' for a couple years, until no matter what I wear, I look like a woman. I decided to come out at work after most customers called me ma'am, and thought 'Michael' was only an unusual name for a woman. The co-workers were like, wtf?
I got ma'amed everywhere several days ago wearing a tee-shirt, with a denim shirt over it, hair pulled back and under a forest-green flyfishing cap that said "Watch your fly", dirty....filthy jeans (worked in the yard), sneakers, no jewelry, no makeup, and was treated as a woman.
What I'm trying to say is, that you WILL change, and you can't go back. So make sure what is in your heart.
Bev
Title: Re: Losing the Ability to Suppress my Feelings
Post by: kaitygrl on December 01, 2008, 09:25:52 AM
Post by: kaitygrl on December 01, 2008, 09:25:52 AM
Pariah,
Welcome to the group and the very difficult decision making process to come. Hon... You are no where near alone in your questions, doubts and insecurities. This is one of those topics that will require a large quantity and definitely quality of thought processes in order to come out strong in the end. Everything is about timing.
As far as the parents/family are concerned, being under their roof is very difficult and I'm sure many of us can say, "We've been there." It would be better for your position and state of mind to keep this from them for the time being. I would suggest, if at all possible, to find someone who will accept you for who you are and befriend you. This will at least afford you the opportunity to get out of the house once in a while and be somewhere a little more comfortable. The possibilities are pretty much endless from that point as far as your flexibility.
Find a support group as was mentioned previously. The more you can get into, the less you have to be at home. The people you will be around will be more open and caring as well. Don't be afraid to find a group. It can be unsettling to get started, but once you do, you'll wonder why you didn't sooner. Everyone is uncomfortable at first so don't feel you're the only one.
Unfortunately, therapy is not cheap and it is time consuming so I don't know what your options are in that arena. Don't be afraid to find some therapists in your area and at least find out if they have any special programs to help with the financial aspect.
I wouldn't worry about the hormones. You're still young enough for the changes to be well noticeable. The too are expensive and you will require a letter from a therapist to do it right. They're not toys so please, take the long road. The short road may be quicker, but the end is not always the best.
Just remember, the proper support can make a huge difference and we are here for you.
Welcome to the group and the very difficult decision making process to come. Hon... You are no where near alone in your questions, doubts and insecurities. This is one of those topics that will require a large quantity and definitely quality of thought processes in order to come out strong in the end. Everything is about timing.
As far as the parents/family are concerned, being under their roof is very difficult and I'm sure many of us can say, "We've been there." It would be better for your position and state of mind to keep this from them for the time being. I would suggest, if at all possible, to find someone who will accept you for who you are and befriend you. This will at least afford you the opportunity to get out of the house once in a while and be somewhere a little more comfortable. The possibilities are pretty much endless from that point as far as your flexibility.
Find a support group as was mentioned previously. The more you can get into, the less you have to be at home. The people you will be around will be more open and caring as well. Don't be afraid to find a group. It can be unsettling to get started, but once you do, you'll wonder why you didn't sooner. Everyone is uncomfortable at first so don't feel you're the only one.
Unfortunately, therapy is not cheap and it is time consuming so I don't know what your options are in that arena. Don't be afraid to find some therapists in your area and at least find out if they have any special programs to help with the financial aspect.
I wouldn't worry about the hormones. You're still young enough for the changes to be well noticeable. The too are expensive and you will require a letter from a therapist to do it right. They're not toys so please, take the long road. The short road may be quicker, but the end is not always the best.
Just remember, the proper support can make a huge difference and we are here for you.