Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I am looking forward to the day near the end of my transition when I have that moment where everything falls into place and I am overcome with joy and relief that I have finally found someone who completes me. Everything up until then seems worth it for that one moment and you live happily ever after.

This is a normal human desire but as transsexuals, doesn't this mean the world to us? To be seen..and loved...and desired for who we truly are is the coup de grace to our identity issues, right?

Does your ideal moment differ from mine? 

If you've had that moment, was it any different than this? Was it different than what you expected? Did it make you feel any different about your past and did the feeling carry with you for the rest of your life?

I would worry about the need in that realization for 'the one' to somehow appear and make you whole.  My dreams to be realized took a lot of people, and part of that dream was exactly working with those people at that moment, still, it could have been other people, it didn't depend on 'that certain someone' to make it real.  What it really depended on was me being in that moment at that time. 

I mean really, they are all the moments in your life.  I think the key is to realize it within yourself. It's about paying attention to the detail of your life,  more that its about any other person being there with you to do it.

I agree and disagree.  :P

You will miss out on these treasures life has to offer if you are not living in the moment but, it takes the discovery of a deep love or soulmate to complete yourself.

Without others, how do we know who we are?

I'm a hopeless romantic, obviously.

I've had 'the moment' many times in my life, its just been with an ever changing cast of people I guess.

That's fine. It's just not for me.

I personally get more out of long-lasting relationships.

A girl can dream, can't she?

Oh sure, I dream even sometimes, but the real moments were things I never dreamed of that just happened.  just saying

Care to elaborate about those moments and how they were different than your expectations?

I am jealous you have had multiple moments.

Well there are different moments to your life, because there are different parts of your life.  Having kids is one, but so is graduating college.  For others great moments at play, or at work, or at creative leisure (whatever that is).  Spiritual moments are different from family moments which are different from those great natural moments when you are in awe of nature.

My ideal fantasy moment comes when I am embraced by my soulmate and am rendered speechless, turn to putty, and release my heart from it's cage to have it flood all over me and my one love.

Wow, sounds like one hell of an orgasm now that I think about it!

If I build it, it will come.  :D

Quote from: Kristen on December 08, 2008, 03:23:28 PM
I am looking forward to the day near the end of my transition when I have that moment where everything falls into place and I am overcome with joy and relief that I have finally found someone who completes me. Everything up until then seems worth it for that one moment and you live happily ever after.

This is a normal human desire but as transsexuals, doesn't this mean the world to us? To be seen..and loved...and desired for who we truly are is the coup de grace to our identity issues, right?

Does your ideal moment differ from mine? 

If you've had that moment, was it any different than this? Was it different than what you expected? Did it make you feel any different about your past and did the feeling carry with you for the rest of your life?

Hi Kristen. Lovely thoughts here but I agree with Tekla that it is worrisome this need for 'the one' to come in and make you whole and happy.
I have had that moment. I had that moment for over 7 years and then my 'one' was taken from me in the blink of an eye.
Love is precious but not necessary. I'm doing okay without it.
You've got to be complete without 'the one'. 'The one' should just be icing on the cake of your life.
Just something to remember, hon.

Just this morning I had a minute where everything just -clicked- into place and for that 60seconds, I honestly felt like I was a "real" guy. Of course that stopped as soon as I noticed, but hell it felt good. Hoping I get more of that further into transition.

I think perhaps you might want to ask yourself what you will do after 'the moment' happens for you.
If you put too much emphasis on this being the pinnacle of achievement in your life, everything after that will be rather dull.
It's always good to have at least one unobtainable goal. Keeps us alive and kicking.

Oh, I agree with you both and I am sorry for your loss Nero. Working on yourself is the most important thing and can also be very beneficial if and when you find that special someone.

I wouldn't say I am relying on someone to bring me ultimate happiness. My faith in others is really not that strong but, I do feel that this kind of love is more important for me than you may wish for. To me, the icing MAKES the cake what it is.

I appreciate what you are both trying to do (protect me from being crushed when things don't work out the way I want them to) but, I will never stop the dream or give up hope entirely. (A similar mind frame is what helps many of us through transition)

As well, I will not make the mistake of putting all my eggs into the soulmate basket and will always put myself and well-being before anything else.

I dare others to dream and then tell me about it here, please.

Quote from: Vexing on December 08, 2008, 06:52:56 PM
It's always good to have at least one unobtainable goal. Keeps us alive and kicking.

How about sex in outer space?

Not likely in my lifetime.  :D

Quote from: Kristen on December 08, 2008, 06:58:12 PM

How about sex in outer space?

Not likely in my lifetime.  :D

Oh c'mon. I'm sure you have more imagination than that!  ;)

Quote from: Vexing on December 08, 2008, 06:52:56 PM
I think perhaps you might want to ask yourself what you will do after 'the moment' happens for you.
If you put too much emphasis on this being the pinnacle of achievement in your life, everything after that will be rather dull.

After, I will sigh with relief and joy, sleep like a baby, and wake up feeling loved. I will want to feel that way for the rest of my life.

As far as achievements go, it is rather minute, comparatively, but none the less desired than say kids or graduating college or retirement. I see it as enriching my life more than numbing me to anything that happens post moment.

Quote from: Vexing on December 08, 2008, 07:03:14 PM

Quote from: Kristen on December 08, 2008, 06:58:12 PM

How about sex in outer space?

Not likely in my lifetime.  :D

Oh c'mon. I'm sure you have more imagination than that!  ;)

I set little, obtainable goals so that I can feel some sense of achievement periodically as opposed to rarely in my lifetime.

Quote from: Kristen on December 08, 2008, 07:09:01 PM
After, I will sigh with relief and joy, sleep like a baby, and wake up feeling loved. I will want to feel that way for the rest of my life.

Which was exactly my point.
You won't feel that way for the rest of your life. Everything fades; nothing is constant except entropy. I'm genuinely concerned that your fantasy won't live up to harsh reality and when that happens, you won't cope very well.
I've seen it many times.

Actually, with space technology, that goal seems too realistic.  Perhaps having sex in space while jumping on a pogo stick and juggling and solving complex mathematical equations without a pencil and paper and writing the Great American novel would be a better goal.

Personally, I think another person would make it more difficult to know myself in some ways.  Now I would be fine, but when discovering myself it would have clouded my judgement immensely.  However, I am a rather introverted, solitary soul, so that is me.  Even when I planned on the whole marriage/eternal soulmate thing (it might still happen, it's too soon to tell, but probably not), I realized my moments (definately plural, my friend; there are many moments that feel like "I've got it!"  Then another one happens a few months from them, and everything keeps building and you know yourself better and better and you're a better person and it's absolutely fabulous!  At least this is how it should happen.) would mostly come alone.
Adrian

Quote from: Vexing on December 08, 2008, 07:15:11 PM

Quote from: Kristen on December 08, 2008, 07:09:01 PM
After, I will sigh with relief and joy, sleep like a baby, and wake up feeling loved. I will want to feel that way for the rest of my life.

Which was exactly my point.
You won't feel that way for the rest of your life. Everything fades...

Oh, I dunno...

I've fallen more in love every day now for two decades. The beauty of her mystery just gets deeper and deeper and renews itself every day. Twenty years of the same person, 24/7 every single day, and I still cry as I'm typing this because it just hurts so much, in a good/bittersweet way though...

~Kate~

Quote from: Vexing on December 08, 2008, 07:15:11 PM

Quote from: Kristen on December 08, 2008, 07:09:01 PM
After, I will sigh with relief and joy, sleep like a baby, and wake up feeling loved. I will want to feel that way for the rest of my life.

Which was exactly my point.
You won't feel that way for the rest of your life. Everything fades; nothing is constant except entropy. I'm genuinely concerned that your fantasy won't live up to harsh reality and when that happens, you won't cope very well.
I've seen it many times.

Don't you think I know that? This is just a dream to me which I hope will be realized in parts spread out over time.

I am not out of touch with reality. I know just how harsh the world can be and I expect for all love to fade with time.

However, fantasizing and then living the moment like it will never end will not hinder my ability to cope but, instead, allow me to make the most of it.

"It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all" is a statement I wholeheartedly agree with.

My soulmate would agree with me.

Quote from: Kate on December 08, 2008, 07:28:46 PM
Oh, I dunno...

I've fallen more in love every day now for two decades. The beauty of her mystery just gets deeper and deeper and renews itself every day. Twenty years of the same person, 24/7 every single day, and I still cry as I'm typing this because it just hurts so much, in a good/bittersweet way though...

~Kate~

Thank you Kate for restoring my hope in this possibility. Without a doubt, that is the type of lover I am and I know in my heart of hearts that it will happen somewhere over the rainbow.

Quote from: Kate on December 08, 2008, 07:28:46 PM
Oh, I dunno...

I've fallen more in love every day now for two decades. The beauty of her mystery just gets deeper and deeper and renews itself every day. Twenty years of the same person, 24/7 every single day, and I still cry as I'm typing this because it just hurts so much, in a good/bittersweet way though...

~Kate~

That's simply your personality type.
The vast majority of people will not experience this.

Where's your evidence?

I hope you find a love this fulfilling.

Quote from: Kristen on December 08, 2008, 06:58:12 PM

Quote from: Vexing on December 08, 2008, 06:52:56 PM
It's always good to have at least one unobtainable goal. Keeps us alive and kicking.

How about sex in outer space?

Not likely in my lifetime.  :D

Wanna join the 2,272,000 foot club, eh?  :D

Quote from: Kristen on December 08, 2008, 08:29:47 PM
Where's your evidence?

http://www.divorcerate.org/ (http://www.divorcerate.org/)

QuoteI hope you find a love this fulfilling.

Why on earth would you assume that I haven't already?  ???

The divorce rate is irrelevant as to your reasoning or evidence behind why the majority of people will never experience that type of love. It doesn't disprove that at one time during their marriage they might have felt that way.

Oh, I don't know. I made a the wrong assumption based on your depressing outlook and subsequently wrong assumption about the majority of others love lives.

Attitudes like that typically keep relationships from developing to Kate's level.
Or perhaps you have lost that love for some reason and it has made you bitter.

Either way, I wish your love life all the best in the future.

Quote from: Kristen on December 08, 2008, 08:40:19 PM
The divorce rate is irrelevant as to why the majority of people will never experience that type of love.

Sure, okay, it's a symptom, not the reason.
I can't tell you why people rarely find that kind of fantasy love, but the evidence is there that they do not, regardless.
How many people do you honestly know who are in the kinds of relationships that you hope for?

QuoteOh, I don't know. I made a the wrong assumption based on your depressing outlook and subsequently wrong assumption about the majority of others love lives.

What's depressing about my outlook? It's a realistic and healthy outlook.
...which does not preclude one from being in a healthy, fulfilling relationship, correct?

Quote from: Kristen on December 08, 2008, 08:40:19 PM
Attitudes like that typically keep relationships from developing to Kate's level.

Wrong.

QuoteOr perhaps you have lost that love for some reason and it has made you bitter.

Also wrong.

When you are done attacking my character, instead of my views, please let me know.  ;)

The evidence does not poof into existence just because you say so.

What's depressing about your outlook is that it sounds like you feel you are not, nor are the majority of others, deserving of the highest level of love they are capable of.

I am not judging you by your current or past relationships but, giving up hope for something better IS depressing. Likewise, hope is not an unhealthy act.

Realism is sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy that shields you from some of the best things life has to offer in an attempt to protect you from some of the worst.

Quote from: Kristen on December 08, 2008, 08:54:20 PM
The evidence does not poof into existence just because you say so.

*Headdesk*
The evidence is right in front of you!

QuoteWhat's depressing about your outlook is that it sounds like you feel you are not, nor are the majority of others, deserving of the highest level of love they are capable of.

I have no idea where you are plucking that out of.
It would be absolutely wonderful if everyone found their soulmate and live happily-ever-after.
But the vast percentage of people don't.

QuoteI am not judging you by your current or past relationships but, giving up hope for something better IS depressing. Likewise, hope is not an unhealthy act.

You did judge me by my past relationships; you presumed that I had lost love and it had made me bitter.
I'm trying to figure out where I said I had given up hope? Could you please point me to the relevant comment? I can't seem to find it.

QuoteRealism is sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy that shields you from some of the best things life has to offer in an attempt to protect you from some of the worst.

No, that is pessimism.

Quote from: Vexing on December 08, 2008, 08:48:29 PM

Quote from: Kristen on December 08, 2008, 08:40:19 PM
Attitudes like that typically keep relationships from developing to Kate's level.

Wrong.

QuoteOr perhaps you have lost that love for some reason and it has made you bitter.

Also wrong.

When you are done attacking my character, instead of my views, please let me know.  ;)

Right or wrong is relative.

Who is attacking? Our views and characters are compounding variables that shape us as a whole.

I would not presume to second-guess the future. Instead I try to learn from my dog - she has perfected "living in the moment" and getting the most out of each moment. The past is but memories and the future is hopes, but the present is real and that is where we need to live. That is not to say we should not dream - dreams leave the door open for possibilities - but don't live there or you may reach the end and find you have not lived at all.

It is in living the moment that you find out who you are, what you are capable of, and how far your soul can stretch. You will find your fulfillment in truly embracing the moment and living it was gusto and passion.

When you are full and complete within yourself, happy with who and what you are, THEN (and only then) are you in a position to find true love. "Other love" is based on negative, on needs or wants, and will seldom be a positive experience for either in the long run. True love (in my humble opinion) is not about another 'completing you' but about two complete and fulfilled people finding another dimension that is greater than the sum of the parts through the sharing of their completeness.

(I shouldn't write in the wee hours - I get too philosophical LOL!)

Quote from: Northern Jane on December 09, 2008, 02:57:39 AM
I would not presume to second-guess the future. Instead I try to learn from my dog - she has perfected "living in the moment" and getting the most out of each moment. The past is but memories and the future is hopes, but the present is real and that is where we need to live. That is not to say we should not dream - dreams leave the door open for possibilities - but don't live there or you may reach the end and find you have not lived at all.

It is in living the moment that you find out who you are, what you are capable of, and how far your soul can stretch. You will find your fulfillment in truly embracing the moment and living it was gusto and passion.

When you are full and complete within yourself, happy with who and what you are, THEN (and only then) are you in a position to find true love. "Other love" is based on negative, on needs or wants, and will seldom be a positive experience for either in the long run. True love (in my humble opinion) is not about another 'completing you' but about two complete and fulfilled people finding another dimension that is greater than the sum of the parts through the sharing of their completeness.

(I shouldn't write in the wee hours - I get too philosophical LOL!)

Actually....... I always look forward to reading your "philosophical" moments ..... :icon_eyebrow:

:icon_hug:

Chrissty

Kristen;

I have had many different moments that were spectacular, and life changing, that I felt couldn't be topped. i.e.

When my life actually flashed before my eyes, and I saw everything I had ever done, and every face I had ever dealt with. It was just like those flashing images you see sometimes in a program. Very very fast, and over in just moments. It took my breath away, literally.
It was my epiphany. The moment I knew and totally recognized who I was. I was 17. I told my mother. She called our minister.

When I had a serious high speed auto accident, and just as the car flipped and rolled over and over, then crashing into a ditch (no seat belt ) I felt hands on me, and trying to hold me in place. I heard a voice say, "I will protect you."  The police later told me,I should have been killed as I lay in my hospital room. The car was totally demolished. That was a moment of clarity.

In my 20's, I had to have emergency surgery, due to internal hemorrhaging, broken bones, and a major concussion. ( I was savagely attacked by thugs ) In the emergency operating room, I actually died on the table for several moments. I saw myself leave my body, and hover at the ceiling. I watched as they tried heart message, and then EST. I saw myself cut wide open at the belly, and so much blood soaking everything. I saw my silver thread shinning. I then left. I was in a fog. I heard faint echos, and saw nothing, and then as if a light came on, I was instantly back. I was in a hospital room, with the shades offering diffused light. I could hardy speak. It was actually slurring attempts at speech. I had a wired jaw. I didn't know who I was, or where I was. I couldn't move because of the traction apparatus,and casts I was in. I had double vision in my left eye.
My parents and siblings were there crying. They said they thought they had lost me. The doctors told me, I was very lucky. I was in a coma for three weeks.  Later, I knew who it was who brought me back! Need I say it!  Another life altering event.

SRS was no picnic in the park. I felt like I had been through a meat grinder. I was numbed, and couldn't feel my lower half. As the pain killers wore down I was in agony. The intravenous drip of pain softeners and sedatives were my friends. The healing and the slow recovery, the therapy, the inserted block/form, learning to pee, and having bowel movements. All the Antibiotic's. Soreness and tenderness ensued for weeks on end. I wanted this so badly, and I yet, I wondered if I had just ruined my life? There was also a deep sense of happiness, and relief. A joy that was not like anything I had experienced before. I wept with tears of joy silently. It still gives me a recall of total elation when I knew I was what I always wanted to be.  A huge moment in time.

Then, there is when I met, and starting dating my husband. I knew he was the one. I was like a teenager in love for the first time.
Some many others failed to make the grade. Then here was this man, a soul mate, and a wonderful friend. A gentleman and a decent human being. I was scared to death of losing him, and excited that he made it very obvious that, I was the one for him. After nearly a year of exclusive dating, he asked the question I was dying inside to hear. I nearly fainted and swooned as he put the engagement ring on my finger, after I said yes! And then I kissed him , in tears.

I didn't think I could ever be so happy as that moment. Then there was our marriage ceremony. It was not held in a church or chapel. It was at a local lake side park, with our friends and family attending. We wrote our own vows. I wore a cream colored A- Line gown, and he wore a deep blue and off white tux. His eyes sparkled as he stood there looking at me.  I was nearly over come with emotions and happiness. Then we were united as husband and wife.  That was the one single moment, that I know, was my true moment of sublime ecstasy. I was walking on clouds. I still am even today...

How many life altering moments can one person have in a lifetime? Apparently many. To many to mention them all. The longer you live, the more you will have.
Each of us will have our own unique experiences. Some can and will define who you are and what you become.
If you really live in the NOW, with your senses fully operating, you'll be amazed at what life delivers. Both the bitter, and the sweet.
You shouldn't want it any other way.

I apologize for the length of this post.  Forgive me.

CG/Rene'

Living the dream is far different to what I ever envisiged.

There was no defining "Eureka" moment, no sudden realization that against all odds I had achieved something wonderful, just a appeared as gradual happiness and confidence in my everyday life.

Transition was somewhat of an anti-climax; all the euphoria and adrenaline rush came in the early days(diagnosis, hormones, full time) to be replaced by dogged determinedness and focus on just fitting in with work, life and living.

All I ever did was work hard to turn my dream into a living reality, I guess the only thing I can add is that my mind no longer is in turmoil on a daily basis, my life no longer one of depression and pain and physical acceptance of my own body is no longer an issue, not so much a moment but a process of discovery and my own self acceptance.

Rebecca

I'm with CG here, you, if you're working at it, should have a lot of moments like that.  What has always amazed me is that they tend not to come when you expect them, but like a single shot out of the dark when for just a brief and shining second you see how in tune everything is.

Quote from: Candygirl on December 10, 2008, 01:19:55 AM
How many life altering moments can one person have in a lifetime? Apparently many. To many to mention them all. The longer you live, the more you will have.

A good friend of mine once told me, "Life is about wanting to find out what happens next..."

;)

~Kate~

The most unusual and profound moment in my life happened in the early winter of 1973. I was 24 years old and at the end of my rope. I had gone as far as I could go (in those times) and there was no hope for SRS or a legal transition. I had lived part of my life in a dual role, part time en femme, but I couldn't do that  anymore - it was just a tease. All my friends had drifted away and I couldn't see any hope for the future - just more misery and pain. I told my doctor that fall that I didn't expect to see the following summer.

After months of despair, one cold lonely night, I  put a single bullet in a pistol and put the gun to my head. I pulled the trigger. The gun went "click" but didn't go off. (It had NEVER misfired before!) And a voice from the darkness said, "Not yet. Go on just a little farther." I wasn't in the habit of hearing voices so it got my attention! I wept for hours. (The primer in the bullet was dented and the round fired perfectly the next day.)

Less than a month later I heard about Dr. Biber opening his doors in Colorado and by April I had a whole new life.

I don't know what happened that night in 1973 but somebody/something was watching out for me and I came within a fraction of a second of not having a future. That was 35 years ago.

Ive never expiernced a moment like that and i have been in a situation or two to cause it. I was in a 55mph head on car wreck. My life didn't flash before my eyes or time slow down it jsut happened so fast and then was over. I guess only certain people are capable of feeling like that

To Kristen, and all other ladies...

You must understand that you will have to allow your inner core being to develop in Real Time gradually. Even though you may have known or heard that inner voice 20 years ago, or only 2 years ago, it is not possible to then jump from a man's world to that of an adult woman overnight or in months.

We trans-gals have a lot of baggage. For some it is much more of a burden, than for others. Then longer your history of living as a man in a man's world is, the more significant that burden is going to be. Life isn't a chalk board that you can just erase, and then start on a clean slate...

Some transgendered individuals come out of the womb obviously disconnected from their gender. As these children develop, and IF the parents are smart or aware enough to recognize, that this child is indeed different, they will not impede it's will to be whom it is in it's psyche.  Not many of us are so blessed.

Unfortunately many or most of us, grow and develop under the confines and expectations of our birthed gender. I suspect that many of you, felt that disconnect early on. ( I certainly did ! ) The battle then begins within you, at what ever that age happened to have been.
Many of you have thus claimed this to in fact be the case. The confusion, and the misdirection after wards only compounds itself after that. Why wouldn't it?

The longer you suffer this hideous period, then the more you hurt and develop emotional scars. Some of us suffer horribly. Keep in mind; now that you are aware, you haven't been alone, and are not now. All that emotional fear can now be tamed at last.

That EUREKA moment your searching for, sometimes is nothing more than a soft voice in your mind and heart. It could be like a soft tender kiss from your very soul. It is a "Thank You" from inside, as enlightenment and acceptance meet and caress.

No fire works, no sirens and whistles...just a soft whisper saying; "Here I am. This is who we are."
Some of us, will then feel our insides warm, as your soul glows, finally for the first time. You will feel your chest suddenly breath lighter and easier. There will be a profound clarity, as you say to yourself; "YES! this IS who I am, and I always always knew it."
"How could I have not found you before?"  Then you feel a deep love for who you have accepted. Sheer joy takes over.

Here is where you want to leap off into the deep end, and tell every one who will listen," Guess what?...."

Hopefully, you will have realized before you leap, you don't know how to swim these waters yet!  There are lessons anew to be learned, and live fire tests you have to pass. Sometimes, even though we are determined students who really put the effort into getting an A++,we fail or receive a low grade at first. But, you do learn.  Then again, Oh! so many others lessons, you have to then unlearn. The lessons and tests are never alike for any of us. Yet, we are all in the same school of life.

It is a process. Dr. Harry Benjamin understood this well.

Love

CG/Rene'

You have a beautiful way with words Rene'.

I will keep my eyes open.

Rene',

Thanks for the succint clarity. Really, from my heart, thank you so very much.