Susan's Place Transgender Resources

When you know, accept, and embrace the fact that your a woman trapped in a male body is it possible to stay that way for a time? Does anyone know if I can pull this off. Its getting harder and harder to not at least start therapy and hormones. I'm trying to do this just for the sake of my wife and kids and also my in-laws and just want to know why its so hard for me to stay in this body anymore. I cant believe I'd actually put myself before my wife :-\ Is there any way I can slow this urge down, can I expect it to fade a little or does it keep growing and growing. I really dont want to hurt my wife. I've dealt with this by denial but now that I've accepted the truth its like I have to correct my body at any cost. My wife just cant handle talking with me about it anymore. The anti depressant is helping me stay up beat but I still cant stop thinking about correcting my body and living as the person I really am. Is there any way of slowing this process down or am I just screwed? ??? :-\ As usual any advice will be greatly appreciated! Peace and thanks

I may not be the most qualifield to talk about this.

The decsions you make are yours. The speed that you go are yours. The responsibility is yours. Don't blame others. OK you didn't choose your sex, but you chose to have a family. Many of us did.
The family didn't choose you. Life sucks.
Get use too it

a VERY P'SSD
Cindy James

Hmm. That's a tough one.
In your shoes, I'd seek the help of an experienced counselor.

Id say no. Trying to remain in the wrong body if you truely have gid, it will only make it worse. Its the reason trans has such a high suicide rate... people try to tough it out and dont make it. I do agree, see a therapist.

100% with some of what people have to say here, get a good theropist, your going to need them, the decision is yoursd and only you can make it. While I have a breath in my body and im with my wife I cant take mones, My decision.... Yours may be different. I have managed to live now for 25 years knowing I was trans, 3 years on anti depresants, It can be done but like taking pills for other things it is not easy. What every you decide on this one is a very hard decision to make and stick by....

Good Luck
Lucy

+1 for a good therapist.

I think having a plan or at least a sense of what your options are helps a lot. There might not be any wonderful options -- but a therapist can help you sort out what likely outcomes might be, rather than just panic.

For me, getting a handle on my options really took the edge off -- but at the same time it really made me want to move faster with transition, so it added a different kind of frustration. But I'd take that variety over panic any day.

Best wishes,

~Alyssa

in a word, no

I don't think you should live your life to please others. I know it's hard. But you will never be truly happy. And to be honest, I don't think it's fair on your wife either. Does she want to be in love with a lie? She deserves better than that and so do you.

Hard choices, friend.
No matter how you slice it. You need a counselor. This problem won't go away. It will be there when you're 80, if you live that long. Being miserable your whole life is not a life. You WILL hurt your kids and wife, and probably already are. That's the way it is. Choices. Conscious decision, and living with the consequences. You need someone to bounce things off of. Help to make the right decisions for you, with head and heart.
Namaste, Lunae

I didn't make it past 15 without starting hormones (illegally) and was suicidal by 22. At 24 I threw away everything I ever knew and started life all over again, venturing into the unknown alone.

So who am I to talk?

I have been going through the same situation.  However, I started to see a therapist this past summer.  I am still not sure which route I should go.  I don't want to lose my wife or daughter, but it gets harder to keep myself in.  But talking to a therapist does help

Quote from: coolJ on January 03, 2009, 12:28:12 AM
Is there any way of slowing this process down or am I just screwed? ???

Hi cooJ...

...I've sort of accepted thet the answer is "yes" to the screwed bit... and as to slowing down, I'm seeing a therapist next week...

...BUT like you, I'm planning hold out as long as I can ...

...I'm pacing myself by focussing on the question of why, and trying to use the "investigating" activity to hold the "when" under control.

So far the only thing I have found that really helps is identifying neutral tasks that are not gender specific but have a complimentary effect...like dealing with my thinning hair, beard control, weight etc...

*big hug*  :icon_hug:

Chrissty

First of all, you certainly should see a therapist or counselor.

That said, in your initial post you gave two goals:

* I really dont want to hurt my wife.
* I have to correct my body at any cost.

It sounds like the "cost" of correcting your body will be to hurt your wife. You need to decide whether "any cost" really includes that. No one can make that decision for you, but a good therapist might help you make it yourself.

Incidentally, at work, I frequently deal with clients who claim that "cost is no object." Then when I show them the actual cost of what they want, they shout, "What! No way!" So I've learned the hard way that when people claim "cost doesn't matter," they rarely mean it. I'm not trying to give you a hard time! I'm just pointing out that it's normal human nature to overstate such claims, and when you learn the true cost, it's okay to go, "Oops! Guess I didn't really mean that."


Is there any way of slowing this process down ...

Well, I don't know if this will work, but try throwing yourself into something that doesn't revolve around you. Perhaps work. Perhaps your wife (and kids?). Perhaps a civic organization. Maybe a hobby. Maybe learn to play the piano. Maybe write a novel. Maybe try competitive ballroom dancing with your wife. Do something that you can be compulsive about. Something that so totally absorbs you that you lose yourself in it, and you forget about yourself and your problems.

Of course, getting obsessed like that might cause its own problems, but at least they'd be different ones.

And, yeah, that has worked for me. More or less. I've decided to play the cards I was dealt, so to speak, at least in public. For now, anyway; I might change my mind next week. Although that might just mean my gender conflicts aren't as severe as yours.

Quote from: Chrissty on January 04, 2009, 10:53:03 AM

Quote from: coolJ on January 03, 2009, 12:28:12 AM
Is there any way of slowing this process down or am I just screwed? ???

Hi cooJ...

...I've sort of accepted thet the answer is "yes" to the screwed bit... and as to slowing down, I'm seeing a therapist next week...

...BUT like you, I'm planning hold out as long as I can ...

...I'm pacing myself by focussing on the question of why, and trying to use the "investigating" activity to hold the "when" under control.

So far the only thing I have found that really helps is identifying neutral tasks that are not gender specific but have a complimentary effect...like dealing with my thinning hair, beard control, weight etc...

*big hug*  :icon_hug:

Chrissty

Hi Chrissty, yup I'm screwed because my wife thinks that if I go to therapy that means I'm definitely going to transition and there will be a record, and etc, etc,etc.
My win win compromise is looking smaller and smaller. To top it off her Mom is sick and needs attention so I'm going to have to play the superman role for quite some time. But I still see the glass half full and whats helping me help my wife is knowing a good woman in my situation would be able to accomplish this! 8) And I love the save the planet quote!! ;)

It sounds like the "cost" of correcting your body will be to hurt your wife. You need to decide whether "any cost" really includes that. No one can make that decision for you, but a good therapist might help you make it yourself.

Hi Mary sue, I know full well the cost it will be to HURT and LOSE my wife and family and I will not pay that. My problem is my own desire is making me unable to work and attain work. The economy is killing my business and I have no work right now for the first time in 22 years so I really need to focus on this and try and drum up some income. So I'm being hit with some double whamies! :-\ I really want to see a gender therapist but as in my previous post I cant even do that right now. So I'm just going to concentrate as best I can on getting some decent work for my business. Hmmm, I think I'll use my desire to change my body to motivate me to make some money! 8) Yup cause I figure I'm gonna need at least 50 G's to do what I want! And I'm gonna need at least 200 G's for my daughters college-ouch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Son of a bisciut I need to hit lotto!!!!! ;D

Quote from: coolJ on January 04, 2009, 06:06:53 PM
Hi Chrissty, yup I'm screwed because my wife thinks that if I go to therapy that means I'm definitely going to transition and there will be a record, and etc, etc,etc.
My win win compromise is looking smaller and smaller. To top it off her Mom is sick and needs attention so I'm going to have to play the superman role for quite some time. But I still see the glass half full and whats helping me help my wife is knowing a good woman in my situation would be able to accomplish this! 8) And I love the save the planet quote!! ;)

On the therapy... I decided I would go for private sessions (off the record) at my cost while I tried to sort things out.. particularly as we have the same doctor for my whole family over here....I should also say that my wife previously said that she wanted no part in these issues and that she expected me to "deal with it", so that's what I am doing. ::)

As you're effectively "out" to your wife at the moment, do you think there's any risk she might be reading your posts here? :icon_suspicious:

....I still think my wife knows more about my issues than she is willing to let on.

:icon_hug:

Chrissty

Quote from: Chrissty on January 05, 2009, 02:19:35 PM

Quote from: coolJ on January 04, 2009, 06:06:53 PM
Hi Chrissty, yup I'm screwed because my wife thinks that if I go to therapy that means I'm definitely going to transition and there will be a record, and etc, etc,etc.
My win win compromise is looking smaller and smaller. To top it off her Mom is sick and needs attention so I'm going to have to play the superman role for quite some time. But I still see the glass half full and whats helping me help my wife is knowing a good woman in my situation would be able to accomplish this! 8) And I love the save the planet quote!! ;)

On the therapy... I decided I would go for private sessions (off the record) at my cost while I tried to sort things out.. particularly as we have the same doctor for my whole family over here....I should also say that my wife previously said that she wanted no part in these issues and that she expected me to "deal with it", so that's what I am doing. ::)

As you're effectively "out" to your wife at the moment, do you think there's any risk she might be reading your posts here? :icon_suspicious:

....I still think my wife knows more about my issues than she is willing to let on.

:icon_hug:

Chrissty

---

Nope she dosent know my name on here and unfortunately for her she wont come on here anyway. She wont even know where to go if she did come here. The more I dont talk about this the more she just seems to blot it out or pretend nothings wrong. :o So I just rib her about stuff like I'll say I love those boots I wish they were a size and a half bigger! ;D So yes I am "out" to her but she dosent know I'm even posting on here and she dosent know some other things either because she'd just beg me to stop if she did anyway! 8)

I put it off for a very long time, then used estradiol, just a little, too take the edge off.  The urge was uncontrollable after that, like a galapagos baby turtle, running for the sea.
It worked for me, but I'm the very small exception.  See a therapist.


Bev

 It hurts so bad so bad to read these posts. I was there also. The more honest I was the more ridecule was heaped on. Speaking for myself only I can honestly say that if my partner were to tell me she was a man trapped in a womens body I would do anything in my power to help him be comfortable. That said i am one in a couple of billion I guess because I haven't found the one hat could be there for me.
I wish I could help all the wives to feel love for the women they married in the guise of a man. If they only knew how much more intamacy shareing and love they are missing out of. Unfortunately we are all products of the societal beliefs that have programmed us all.
Keep to the therepy and look for options which will enable you to stay sane. No fair offing yourself as that doesn't let anyone win.
BE GENTLE ON YOURSELF, BE GENTLE WITH THE ONES YOU CARE FOR.

Quote from: Miss Bev on January 05, 2009, 09:43:38 PM
I put it off for a very long time, then used estradiol, just a little, too take the edge off.  The urge was uncontrollable after that, like a galapagos baby turtle, running for the sea.
It worked for me, but I'm the very small exception.  See a therapist.

Bev

I really understand what you mean Bev, and please don't take this the wrong way.... but loosing control is what I am trying to fight "against".

....I already know that this can be consuming like any other adiction, so I am trying to get help, and build up my self control before I get sucked-in.

The frightening thing for me recently, was my wife said she felt like leaving me when my business made me work long hours before Christmas, because she wasn't seeing me enough ...... and for a brief moment before I hugged her saying that I loved her and I would be finished for the holiday soon... I had a flash that said "just do it.... and this whole coming out/transition thing would be a whole lot easier".

I hate myself for thinking like that.... even for a moment.

It's the sort of rash "I don't care anymore" thinking that could finally push me over the edge to suicide.

You have my respect, but this isn't really the sort of option I'm prepared to explore....

:icon_hug:

Chrissty

coolJ,

Your problem and your situation are very far from being unique.  Many of us find ourselves with similar entanglements.  Some of us are taking care of parents and children, the so-called "sandwich generation."  This can make the finances for transitioning well nigh impossible.   Plus, many of us love our spouses and do not want to hurt them (as if that's really possible).

For me, the answer has been the right counselor, the right medications, and the right plan.  In short, hard work. 

You will likely not be able to control the fact that you will one day be out.  But with the right plan, you can begin now to control how you come out, and when.  It will involve some trade-offs.  It will involve some self searching, and clarification of your own core values. 

I truly wish you the best.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi

....I already know that this can be consuming like any other adiction, so I am trying to get help, and build up my self control before I get sucked-in.


Gee, I never thought of this as an addiction. :-\ If it was that simple to me I'd just control it. I'm fighting my own will again except this time its to really be who I am inside and not run away and hide behind a hypermasculine faker! So right now I'm in the sucked in part but I'm dealing. 8) I wish you well with your therapy and please let me know how thats going for you! ;)

Quote from: coolJ on January 07, 2009, 03:02:57 AM
Gee, I never thought of this as an addiction. :-\ If it was that simple to me I'd just control it. I'm fighting my own will again except this time its to really be who I am inside and not run away and hide behind a hypermasculine faker! So right now I'm in the sucked in part but I'm dealing. 8) I wish you well with your therapy and please let me know how thats going for you! ;)

Maybe seeing it as an addiction is just my way of coping then....I just always saw addiction as an internal struggle that never really goes away, but can be controlled with help and commitment, and that these problems could be treated the same way before we commit to transition..... I guess that I am also still grasping at the hope that the outcome is not inevitable, or at least that I can find a way to minimise the damage it would cause.. :-\

My first therapy session is not till Friday (seems we are a bit limited on gender therapists in this country), but I will let you know how I get on.

...So what's this with chocolate in your sig now....are you joining the global revolution?

:icon_hug:

Chrissty

...So what's this with chocolate in your sig now....are you joining the global revolution?

Oh, I've been the chocolate revolution baby!!!! :laugh: Its the chocolate states of America where I'm coming from!!!! 8) I've also found that chocolatering ; is a great way of coping too! ;D

Quote from: coolJ on January 07, 2009, 04:24:22 AM
...So what's this with chocolate in your sig now....are you joining the global revolution?

Oh, I've been the chocolate revolution baby!!!! :laugh: Its the chocolate states of America where I'm coming from!!!! 8) I've also found that chocolatering ; is a great way of coping too! ;D

Have you ever thought that you might have a chocolate addiction that is manifesting itself as GID?..... ;D

Chrissty

Im in the midst of fighting it right now...

I doubt Ill win...havent before. For some reason the last week, I have wanted to put aside all girlness...I dont know why, but if history repeats itself...It will come back even stronger. I thought I was completely ready, and then this hit me....

It sucks and its a tough choice...you will most likely create enemies, but being true to yourself is important, and will ultimately win...I think.

I doubt I helped with your question, sorry :'(

Quote from: coolJ on January 07, 2009, 03:02:57 AM
Gee, I never thought of this as an addiction. :-\ If it was that simple to me I'd just control it. I'm fighting my own will again ...

Isn't that the definition of an addiction -- "fighting your own will"? A psychological addiction, anyway.

And that sort of desire isn't easy to control. Hey, if it was, it wouldn't be an addiction!

Kind of like the old joke that if a flower grows easily, it's considered a weed.

Quote from: Chrissty on January 07, 2009, 04:55:10 AM
Have you ever thought that you might have a chocolate addiction that is manifesting itself as GID?..... ;D

Or maybe it's the other way around? I have heard GG's say that if they had to choose between chocolate and sex, they'd go for chocolate. Every time. No question!

If you truly feel you are a woman then respect your wife by putting yourself in her place firstly. Then and only then can you break this down to a fleeting off and on fetish desire or a true respect for womanhood. That will firstly give you the chance to be in her position. I have 2 kids by two moms. I was never with them for more than a month so leaving but helping them financially was easier for me. No matter what treat her as you a natal woman would want to be treated because if you don't then yes you do not respect women and you are doing this just for you  and that is totally wrong. This was not their problem its yours. Be honest yet be totally supportive and accept the truths of your situation and try to make it up to her firstly then and only then can you respect yourself as a woman and start transitioning if that is what you need to do.

I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND THIS IS NOT JUST ABOUT YOU THIS IS ABOUT THE TRUTH OF BEING A WOMAN AND LOOKING OUT FOR WOMANHOOD NO MATTER WETHER YOUR A MAN OR A WOMAN.

Quote from: postoplesbian on January 07, 2009, 09:08:50 AM
If you truly feel you are a woman then respect your wife by putting yourself in her place firstly. Then and only then can you break this down to a fleeting off and on fetish desire or a true respect for womanhood. That will firstly give you the chance to be in her position. I have 2 kids by two moms. I was never with them for more than a month so leaving but helping them financially was easier for me. No matter what treat her as you a natal woman would want to be treated because if you don't then yes you do not respect women and you are doing this just for you  and that is totally wrong. This was not their problem its yours. Be honest yet be totally supportive and accept the truths of your situation and try to make it up to her firstly then and only then can you respect yourself as a woman and start transitioning if that is what you need to do.

I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND THIS IS NOT JUST ABOUT YOU THIS IS ABOUT THE TRUTH OF BEING A WOMAN AND LOOKING OUT FOR WOMANHOOD NO MATTER WETHER YOUR A MAN OR A WOMAN.

Hi Postoplesbian, the reason I'm not transitioning is because my wife will be crushed if I do. I am hoping that being a woman she will eventually empathise with me and allow me to- and going through it together. Thats my dream and my hope. Thats also a loooooong shot! :'( I am still physically a man because of her and my daughters but I'm never going to deny reality again. Fetishes are nothing to me and I sure as hell wouldnt be going through this torment if it was-thats why this is not an addiction. I will not throw my life away for a lousy fetish. !'ve spent my whole life trying to be the "man" and I'm pretty accomplished at it but I know everything I've done was for everybody else starting with my parents and now my wife and kids! I've proven that on equal ground a woman can truely do anything a man can do and I hope I can instill this to my daughters-in fact I will- and thats whats keeping me from transitioning right now. I've been pretty selfless my whole life as I've explained in other threads and it looks like this is my karma. Tell you what if reincarnation is real and I actually had a hand in being born like this then when I die I'm gonna slap my spirit in the mouth! ;) And your right the problem is mine and mine alone so I will deal with it, only now I celebrate who I really am and I will not be ashamed of being a woman. 8)I am ashamed however what I appear to be. :( Oh yeah ,I forgot to mention,I'm not scared of anyones opinion, its not going to change what I know in my heart and I would come out to everybody but this would really hurt my wife so I'm not. Do I wanna stay hidden-NOOOO!But I'm doing this for my wife and she's worth it. :) Again sorry if I rubbed anyone the wrong way but I just had to get that out, phew........ Have a truffle on me! 8)

Your one cool woman J :)

Am I the only person who finds these two thoughts together in the same paragraph to be, well if not slightly disturbing, at least canceling each other out?

a true respect for womanhood

I have 2 kids by two moms. I was never with them for more than a month

Quote from: tekla on January 07, 2009, 01:01:47 PM
Am I the only person who finds these two thoughts together in the same paragraph to be, well if not slightly disturbing, at least canceling each other out?

a true respect for womanhood

I have 2 kids by two moms. I was never with them for more than a month

They left me after feeling i was too feminine for them not the other way around.

Teckla you always seem to want to pick a fight with anybody on anything. Try being patient and maybe you might get to know someone without first judging them.

 Hello all. I was just writing a post to this thread when it disappeared. Now when I come back I find that CoolJ has already figured out that GID is not an addiction.
GID in my opinion does feel like an addiction in that it can not be controlled or cured by will power. For myself the truth of alcohol and smocking(tobacco) addictions where that they acted as a  band aid covering the discomfort of feeling wrong. Unlike addictions which I have the good fortune of being relieved of for 6 and 4 years respectively. The GID is not something that I can be relieved of. Unlike my addictions to alcohol and tobacco GID did not numb me to discomfort. After a life time of purging and denial my acceptance of my true gender issues is finally bringing me peace.
Addressing the issue of GID as an addiction is making me ask questions "What if my higher Power could take away the need to dress feel and be female."  Would I be willing to give her up? Could I be relieved of the feelings? How can I know that going on HRT is the correct path for me? Do I really want to be out? Is it really my life path to live as first a male and then at this late date as a female? Can I put up with my male life any more?
To the first question my honest answer is I believe that my higher power needs me to walk through this. Why?  Alcohol and tobacco  had only negative affects on myself and others. By my embracing acceptance of my "true" self. I feel calm and a sense of serenity. I am up for the challenge. If my higher power wanted me to be of one gender it would not have made me of two genders. Our grandmothers and great Grand Mothers fought society to be "equal". I don't see a way of doing less. My willingness to try and serve my higher power has brought me to this point. If my being out opens some ones closed mind or inspires another to have the courage to do the right thing than I am full filling my duty to my higher power.
It is my belief that we are all small pieces of something much bigger. In my belief system we are all learning, growing and journeying back to our larger self. It is my opinion that the journey can and does span many life times. Carma to me is very possible. Each life we touch comes and goes for a learning reason. For myself being transsexual is not an accident. Everything in my past makes me what and who I am today. All the lives that have been affected and touched by me are for a higher reason than I can fathom. To me the concept that my wanting to transition is only my problem is just a little to narrow. If coolj's wife and everybody's else's s/o's were not to be affected by us than they would not be in our lives.
I think that my personal moral of "do no wrong intentionally" works for me.Yes I have lost my significant others. Sometimes to their lack of understanding trans. Sometimes do to my own misunderstanding of GID. Mostly I believe I could not be in a long term relationship due to my not having an open and honest relationship with myself. So for me GID is the lesson for this life. Do no harm intentionally has to apply to myself as well as others. If I could have my wish it would be. For all the suffering, loses and pain which we all have had in our lives, to result in making someone else's life  richer and fuller for having been touched by us.
I don't know if all this is helpful to anyone else but it has helped me to clarify my need to transition.
One last thought, In being kind and gentle with my self I am less likely to discomfort others.

I've sort of been through this situation too...acutally, I'm still living it. For me, as long as I am going to school and living under my mom's roof, I can't transition to the extent I want. I have secretly done some laser and electro, and I have been on tblockers for two years now. But I have to go thru college as a guy and I can't talk about it or anything. For me, I just keep my eyes on the prize and hope for the best. You and me will both hurt people but we have to do it eventually!

Chrissi

And then there is the extreme of GID, understand that no two people are alike and while transitioning sometimes sounds like another lived the same life as you, there are differences. The extreme is lifelong GID, suicide attempt and institutionalized at 19 years of age, failed first marriage of 13 years, three children, a second suicide attempt and institutionalized again, alcoholism into my second marriage. Third suicide attempt and detox program. A year ago I almost tried suicide again and finally found these boards. During all of this I supported 6 children and fought my GID. And do not think that I didnt die for lack of trying, I should not even be alive. Now at 62 in Feb I am fullfiling my dream and my need and finding the peace in my soul that I so desparately wanted.

Others have had it much worse than myself, still others have been more fortunate. What I am trying to say is that your GID, depression and angst will ultimately control your life. As of now none of my sons or family I was raised with will speak to me anymore, Fortunately my present wife and three daughters do support me in this.

No one can ultimately tell you what you need to do, but we can give you scenarios and real life experiences so that you can make an informed decision. I sincerely hope that you find your solution and that it will work for you and your familys benifit. Just remember that you have a place to come where prople do understand what is going on. Hugs

Wendy

Carma to me is very possible. Each life we touch comes and goes for a learning reason. For myself being transsexual is not an accident. Everything in my past makes me what and who I am today


I think I'm learning this the hard way! ;) And I welcome being gentle with myself with open arms because up until now I've been about as gentle as a wire brush. :-\

Quote from: Wendy C on January 07, 2009, 08:46:22 PM
And then there is the extreme of GID, understand that no two people are alike and while transitioning sometimes sounds like another lived the same life as you, there are differences. The extreme is lifelong GID, suicide attempt and institutionalized at 19 years of age, failed first marriage of 13 years, three children, a second suicide attempt and institutionalized again, alcoholism into my second marriage. Third suicide attempt and detox program. A year ago I almost tried suicide again and finally found these boards. During all of this I supported 6 children and fought my GID. And do not think that I didnt die for lack of trying, I should not even be alive. Now at 62 in Feb I am fullfiling my dream and my need and finding the peace in my soul that I so desparately wanted.

Others have had it much worse than myself, still others have been more fortunate. What I am trying to say is that your GID, depression and angst will ultimately control your life. As of now none of my sons or family I was raised with will speak to me anymore, Fortunately my present wife and three daughters do support me in this.

No one can ultimately tell you what you need to do, but we can give you scenarios and real life experiences so that you can make an informed decision. I sincerely hope that you find your solution and that it will work for you and your familys benifit. Just remember that you have a place to come where prople do understand what is going on. Hugs

Wendy

Wow Wendy, you make me feel like my delema is small. And I'm glad your finally getting to be yourself with your families help to boot! ;) And your right this forum is awesome! I really didn't know didly until I came here and started asking questions. And yup I'm finding out that the desire to right myself just keeps growing after acceptance. :-\ I'm just taking one day at a time and dealing with it. But wow what a relief to not have to live in fear anymore! Worrying if I dont act or look a certain way the inner me  -the real me might surface and oooohhhh thats just so so horrible. What a schmuck I've been. ::) Real freedom is the right to be yourself and thats almost as good as the chocolate layer cake I had last week at the diner....MMMMMMMM 8)

Fight if you must, but this way you will come.  I have fought for so long that I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way to live with this GID.  And that is through transition.

I have been married three times now, have four children by two Mothers, tried suicide twice and thought about it at least four times.  If you are the way you are then accept it and quit fighting.

The only way you will not have this in your life is ether by death ( Not a real good choice ) or become the person you know who you are.  Yes it is hard on families, and Yes it will most likely destroy that family.  But I pray that each of you, that are in a relationship, will survive and keep that relationship.  I am a firm believer in family and in love.  But how many stories end with the ending of a family.

It isn't fair and it may not be right but it is a fact of GID.  If you have an understanding SO, count yourself blessed.  It isn't any fun going thru this alone.  But it can be done and has been done.

I hate to be a downer, but I have see it and hear it all to often.  Trying to keep a marriage together is hard enough without GID being added into the mix.  If your relationship survives, please correct me in my thinking.

At 54 and having fought for about that long I am finally at peace just as Wendy is.  I have a ways to go yet, but I am the woman I was meant to be.

Janet

Quote from: Janet Lynn on January 07, 2009, 11:22:08 PM
I have fought for so long that I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way to live with this GID.  And that is through transition.

Sorry, but I have to respectfully disagree with that. I don't think that transitioning is the one and only way to live with GID.

I'm sure that transitioning was right for Janet, as it has been for a lot of people on this forum. And eventually it may turn out to be right for you, as well.

But I don't think that's a forgone conclusion. You may find a way to live without transitioning.

Quote from: MarySue on January 07, 2009, 11:47:27 PM

Quote from: Janet Lynn on January 07, 2009, 11:22:08 PM
I have fought for so long that I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way to live with this GID.  And that is through transition.

Sorry, but I have to respectfully disagree with that. I don't think that transitioning is the one and only way to live with GID.

I'm sure that transitioning was right for Janet, as it has been for a lot of people on this forum. And eventually it may turn out to be right for you, as well.

But I don't think that's a forgone conclusion. You may find a way to live without transitioning.

That is your right, Mary Sue and I respect that.  If there is another way, I would love to hear of it and the success rate.  But as you point out transition is what finally made me happy.
<3

Janet

Hi
Janet I agree with you, but.
There are degrees of GID and I know from your posts and my experience is that we do not have an alternative. Others may be less driven, I was going to say afflicted but I do not regard myself as ill in any way. If a person decides that yes they are GID but cannot face it, the that's what therapists are for. I dearly love my wife, I'm in a unique position as she is in never live at home with me again. She knew me before we got married and has totally accepted Cindy. I now live as Cindy but if she was at home and said no, I'd go back to part time. I miss her (sorry). And yes I've been through the attempted suicide stuff, and the self castration trys.

Cindy James

I have been married three times now, have four children by two Mothers, tried suicide twice and thought about it at least four times.  If you are the way you are then accept it and quit fighting.

Hi Janet, I'm really sorry about your marraiges and suicide attempts. I've thought about it for a while and I have really good insurance too because in my line of business the accidents that happen are the ones that kill you. :-\ Like 2 weeks ago I was pushing over a dead 70' tree with my excavator(machine) and as it was going down it snapped in half with the top half falling right for my cab. I didnt panic and used my machine to swat the tree away from the cab. Only a small piece of the tree then hit the side and no harm was done to me or machine. If I didnt react right the trunk would have come right down on me in the cab and possibly crushed or impaled me! :-\ No fun at all! Thats why I'm taking this slow and one day at a time and for the first time in my life I'm taking an anti depressant. It is helping me with the depression for now.  ;)

And Cindy's right theres degrees to GID. Unfortunately mines almost unbearable! :-\But its like I and others have said thats just the way life is sometimes. And I'm only fighting the physical aspect so its a partial relief to just act myself for once in my life and wow does it feel good. The problem with the body part of it is I'm really healthy and I know I could correct my body so this desire is consuming me. I hope someday I can tell you all a success story! In the meantime I'm gonna get a truffle.  8) Oh and dont worry I've lost 22 lbs in two months and I wanna drop another 8 so I'll only have one and not the usual 5! :laugh:

Quote from: MarySue on January 07, 2009, 11:47:27 PM

Quote from: Janet Lynn on January 07, 2009, 11:22:08 PM
I have fought for so long that I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way to live with this GID.  And that is through transition.

Sorry, but I have to respectfully disagree with that. I don't think that transitioning is the one and only way to live with GID.

I'm sure that transitioning was right for Janet, as it has been for a lot of people on this forum. And eventually it may turn out to be right for you, as well.

But I don't think that's a forgone conclusion. You may find a way to live without transitioning.

Thats right MarySue for now I'm doing what I have to do for my family and while I hope I can transition some day I know I cant right now. So I'll just have another kid kat-next week! :-\ Damn diet spoils all the fun. I used to eat like a horse but now I just eat like a person- thats how I've lost the fat. I really wish I could have taken the stomach fat and put it on my hips! And yeah I know hormones can do that, yup wonderful.Hmmm time for a chocolate covered peanut! 8)

Quote from: coolJ on January 08, 2009, 04:38:38 AM
I have been married three times now, have four children by two Mothers, tried suicide twice and thought about it at least four times. 

I'm still on my first marriage...25 years...*sigh* ::)

I guess I'm "lucky" in the suicide respect...I've only had momnetary "flashes" where I have thought about it so far...but then I guess it only takes a moment, so I need to be careful.  :icon_flamed:

...and chocolate peanuts? .....what diet is that?....I want it ...I want it! :icon_biggrin:

This is something that I, too, have struggled with for years. At present, I am trying to accept that I will never transition and live as a woman, but that doesn't make it any easier. I can't say that I will be able to do it forever. I won't really know that until I die.

After seeing a therapist several years ago and confirming my diagnosis, I almost transitioned, and my marriage of over 35 years almost was destroyed. Although I have no doubts that I am TS and that I should have been a woman, I pulled back from it out of responsibility to my wife and children. It's still not easy. I know what I am inside. Somedays, I tell myself to just get through another day.

Some of the arguments the I had with myself have helped to keep things in perspective. There's the wish that I had done something many years ago before I met my wife and involved her in this. The problem is that I love her dearly and know that she is the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't imaging never meeting her and never having my children.

I also know that I would do anything to make her safe and happy without hesitation. That includes donating vital organs and shielding her from bullets. So, not transitioning is kind of like a form of death also. This doesn't make it much easier. Getting older (almost 60), I also realize that my chance to be a woman is all but gone anyway.

So, none of this probably helps, does it? At least you can be assured that there others like you who are trying to do their best and that it can work ... at least, so far.

Good luck,

Steph

Quote from: stephb on January 08, 2009, 02:43:34 PM
This is something that I, too, have struggled with for years. At present, I am trying to accept that I will never transition and live as a woman, but that doesn't make it any easier. I can't say that I will be able to do it forever. I won't really know that until I die.

After seeing a therapist several years ago and confirming my diagnosis, I almost transitioned, and my marriage of over 35 years almost was destroyed. Although I have no doubts that I am TS and that I should have been a woman, I pulled back from it out of responsibility to my wife and children. It's still not easy. I know what I am inside. Somedays, I tell myself to just get through another day.

Some of the arguments the I had with myself have helped to keep things in perspective. There's the wish that I had done something many years ago before I met my wife and involved her in this. The problem is that I love her dearly and know that she is the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't imaging never meeting her and never having my children.

I also know that I would do anything to make her safe and happy without hesitation. That includes donating vital organs and shielding her from bullets. So, not transitioning is kind of like a form of death also. This doesn't make it much easier. Getting older (almost 60), I also realize that my chance to be a woman is all but gone anyway.

So, none of this probably helps, does it? At least you can be assured that there others like you who are trying to do their best and that it can work ... at least, so far.

Good luck,

Steph

You and cool J will always be women to me.. and your next life will be whatever woman you dream.. or if you don't come back you will spend eternity above as a woman :)

So, none of this probably helps, does it? At least you can be assured that there others like you who are trying to do their best and that it can work ... at least, so far.


Hey Steph, this does help and thank you for sharing what seems to be just like my situation! And I cant even think about tommorrow let alone 20 years from now-woah! :o And thats a perfect analogy about it being like death!!!!!!

And you and Chrissty got me beat as I'll be married 20 years in a few months. 8) I sure wish my wife would get me some nice leather stiletto boots.  ;)

You and cool J will always be women to me.. and your next life will be whatever woman you dream.. or if you don't come back you will spend eternity above as a woman

Hi PostopLesbian, God I so hope this is true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Hmm, me thinks I get a little carried away sometimes....................... :D

Quote from: coolJ on January 08, 2009, 04:33:14 PM
You and cool J will always be women to me.. and your next life will be whatever woman you dream.. or if you don't come back you will spend eternity above as a woman

That's one of my other coping mechanisms ... thinking about my next life as a woman. Although I'm not religious, the idea of reincarnation has an appeal that I like to dream of sometimes. Don't get me wrong ... I love my wife and family, and I appreciate that they have helped my life (as it is) to be as good as it could be and brought me much happiness. There's just this one thing wrong with it, and it's me.

Steph

I noted the comments of Mary Sue and Steph about not taking transition to its end. There are those that do this and I personally feel it all boils down to how much punishment you as an individual can withstand.

For the vast majority GID eventually consumes you and no matter how much you will have to give up, or who you might hurt in the process becomes a mute point. You simply cannot go on another day pretending to be someone you are not. Even actresses and actors can go home at the end of the day and be themselves. For those of us in the latter catagory, there is no choice but to transition or die, plain and simple, period.

I  know what it is to try and hold things together for the sake of the family, I did it for well over thirty years. I would crash, pick myself up and knock the dust off, re-analyze what method of supression failed to work, find another wall to build or cause to use and go awhile longer. But at some point in time you grow tired of being a silent martyr that cannot share with others your true self and it wears you down and why must you be the one to carry that silent burden til death overtakes you? Why is it that you must be the one to suffer a lifetime? Don't you really deserve a little peace in you life also?

And it wasnt until I finally realized this and surrenderd myself that I started feeling that peace. And while it hurts tremedously that I have hurt my wife and lost half my family in the process, those that have supported me will all tell you that they have never seen a happier person now that I have transitioned. WE all have to walk our lives as best we can but there is nothing written either that says you have to live your life in pain. Just my thoughts on the matter and I hope you all find your peace. Hugs

Wendy

For the vast majority GID eventually consumes you and no matter how much you will have to give up, or who you might hurt in the process becomes a mute point. You simply cannot go on another day pretending to be someone you are not. Even actresses and actors can go home at the end of the day and be themselves. For those of us in the latter catagory, there is no choice but to transition or die, plain and simple, period

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is what I feel is happening and I'm actually surprised its feeling as tormenting as it really is. :'( I just dont understand why its so hard to do what I've been doing for the past 3 decades.  :-\ It figures the happy pills are already starting to lose effect. Great. The way I feel on this flippin rollercoaster when it hits the valleys I just dont know how much longer I can hold out. This kinda makes me mad that I hit something I cant overcome. I know this sounds prideful but its just the way it is. The one thing in life that I'm afraid of is hurting my family and now its me thats on the verge of doing the hurting. Why is it so important for me to come out and transition now. ???

I feel like darth vader when he says to Luke its too late for me son........................
and this really pisses me off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I suppose I should say something about my situation.

In RL, I present as a stereotypical male nerd. However, I've wanted to be a girl ever since I was a kid. But I don't consider myself "a woman trapped in a man's body." Not if you put it like that. I'm me. Yes, I'd rather I'd been born in a female body. But I don't feel trapped in this one. It's just not the body I would have chosen.

Do I consider myself a woman? Well, yes, I guess. But more by default. It's more accurate to say that I don't consider myself to be a guy. Do I hate my male equipment? No. It's what I've got. Do I love it? No, not that much. Would I consider trading it in? Yes, but I'd be disappointed if the new model didn't respond as well. :)

Unlike "standard guys," I dislike sports, I hate getting dirty, I don't like beer, I've never "cruised for chicks," and I don't see any point in hanging out with guys at a bar.

When I was in college in the late 60's, I considered transitioning. I didn't because I was afraid I'd look like a freak, or I'd end up even more mixed up than I already was. As a bright, non-athletic, and probably rather snotty nerd, I'd gotten a lot of verbal abuse in school. It left me with "anger issues," to put it mildly. The good news: I was bright enough to keep my anger under control, so my school isn't as famous as Columbine High. The bad news: I was bright enough to hide it, so it took a long time before I stopped hating the world.

Also, I didn't meet the criteria of the day for SRS. That is, I wasn't so desperate that I was going to take a razor and "do it myself," or slit my throat. And I wasn't interested in guys, which was another no-no. Not that I was all that interested in women; I didn't date until I was 24. And while we're on that, in the subsequent 36 years, I've dated maybe six women, total. I've never married. I did live with one girlfriend for a few months, but other than that I've lived alone for almost 40 years. I haven't been involved with anyone for over a decade.

When I got out of college, I "dealt with" my gender issues by burying myself in work. Actually, I guess I did that in college as well. I did fantasize that some fairy godmother would magically turn me into the girl I wanted to be, sometimes daily, but that was never more than a silly dream. Except for forums like this, I've never reached out to the LGBT community, or told anyone about my gender problems. I do cross dress, but only occasionally, and only in private, never in public.

When I was 30, I tried "living as a woman" for a week. I bought a basic wardrobe: a dress or two, a few skirts and blouses, a bra, pantyhose, medium heels. They were slightly dressy, perhaps, but they weren't fancy or fetishy. It was just what I saw stylish women wearing at work. Then I took a week of vacation, intending to spend it in my apartment, dressed. I couldn't do it. It was fun at first, particularly learning how to walk in heels and how to sit in a dress. But after a few hours, I ended up sitting on my couch, reading an SF novel. By then my dress and heels seemed ... well, pointless. And I felt trapped in the apartment. I switched to guy-mode and went out for a walk.

After that, I've only cross-dressed occasionally. Sometimes it relaxes me. Other times not. But I've never wanted to do it for more than an hour or two at a time. And a lot of the time, transforming myself into an ersatz female just seems like ... work.

Putting all of that together, I think it's safe to say that my GID is not as advanced as yours. If, indeed, I really suffer from GID at all. But clearly I suffer from something, because the desire to be a women is still down there, somewhere. And I visit this site every day.

When I came to this forum, a few months ago, I was seriously considering transitioning. The trigger was another pending life change: namely, retirement. After all, I don't have a wife to consider, my parents are dead, and it wouldn't affect my career (if, indeed, it ever would have). My acquaintances would be shocked, but unless they choked on their dentures, they'd get over it in a few weeks. And I could afford it, although it would make a big dent in my retirement account.

But for now, at least, I've decided not to. In part, that's because whatever desire I had a few months ago has been sublimated by hanging out at Susan's, amazingly enough. Kinda the opposite of coolJ's reaction. I've discovered that given the choice of wearing a dress or hanging out at Susan's, I generally hang out at Susan's. Go figure!

But mostly it's because I asked myself: What would transitioning do for me? Sure, I could wear a dress in public. Okay, that would be fun for a week or two, but after that, so what? It's not like I go clubbing or anything like that. My driver's license would say "F". Big deal. People would see me as a woman. If I was interested in guys, that might be an advantage, but I'm not. Yeah, guys might hold doors for me. Hey, I'm old enough that people sometimes do that already! So when you get down to it, what difference would it really make?

The only possible advantage I could see is that my (few) female friends might accept me as their new girlfriend. That might be fun, and it might open me up to a whole new set of relationships. However, it's just as likely that they'll freak out and reject me altogether.

So that's how I've dealt with whatever GID I have. If you can call that dealing.

Hi MarySue,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, it's always refreshing to hear a different point of view, and I can identify with a lot of your reasoning.

:icon_hug:

Chrissty

Hey Mary Sue, I think your alot more balanced than I am. And my situation is way different. I was kinda small and gentle looking until 7th grade when I began to lift and fight the kids that used to bully me. It was generally accepted by my peers at the time that effeminate guys were the devil. And athletic guys got attention and respect. So I then became the monster I am today. :'( With my Mom passing and almost losing people really close to me I lost the strength I had to repress the inner me. Thats where I'm at now. I have everything to lose if I come out and transition right now yet I'm almost compelled to do so. I'm real healthy and strong, I make good money, and most importantly I have a beautiful family. So I really for their sake would like to control this need to be who I've been running away from my entire life.  :-\ And when I put on my stash I dont want to take it off- its horrible when I have too. I cant stand looking at me either- its horrible. I dont hate the genitals as long as they're not on me! I dont want them on my body, I just dont. I like pantyhose and would wear them just about everyday if I could because thats just my stlye. The feeling I get is always the same it just feels right and in a strange way familiar. :-\ And coming here I feel relieved yet sad for the others like me who are in similar boats. I cant transition and its killing me and yet I still cant understand why I want to so bad. I guess I'm just selfish or nuts. Bad day I guess,sorry.

Quote from: coolJ on January 10, 2009, 08:56:46 PM
I cant transition and its killing me and yet I still cant understand why I want to so bad.

CoolJ,

Something about that statement just hit me. Is it possible that you want it so bad because you can't have it??

Yes, I know that's how little kids behave. But let's face it, we all behave like little kids at times. And usually when we least expect it!

Apologies in advance if I'm way off base.

In any case, I don't think you're being selfish. If you were selfish, you'd go ahead and transition, and you wouldn't give a damn what effect it has on your family. Nor do I think you're nuts. Just confused. Join the club, honey. :)

-- The entity occasionally known as Mary Sue

Hi MarySue, thanks for your input and yes I guess I am whining like a baby. I'm not one for playing the fiddle often so I'm just gonna quit it. 8) As far as knowing I cant have it hmmm, the problem is I can have it and my temptation keeps growing. I have enough money set aside that I want to use for my family and I'm healthy enough to do it too so the "temptation" or desire to transition is I think anyway more because its what I can have.........You see if my wife ever softens on this I'm gonna start so I think thats the real problem- it being so close I can taste it! Another problem is I'm tired of feeling like a fake or out of place so it goes farther than just wanting it so bad. As far as acting like a little kid your probably right.  Hell I had problems but I still loved being little. 8)

Quote from: Jeatyn on January 03, 2009, 08:28:34 AM
in a word, no

I don't think you should live your life to please others. I know it's hard. But you will never be truly happy. And to be honest, I don't think it's fair on your wife either. Does she want to be in love with a lie? She deserves better than that and so do you.

I totally agree with this  :)  ..this is pretty much exactly what I was thinking after I read the first post.

Hi coolJ

Quote from: coolJ on January 10, 2009, 08:56:46 PM
With my Mom passing and almost losing people really close to me I lost the strength I had to repress the inner me.

After my first therapy session last week, realised that my feelings had significantly increased after I had an accident in August last year.... so it would seem that trauma in our lives may act as a trigger and "open the box".... When my father dies (if I make it that far) I am going to have to be very careful.

Quote from: coolJ on January 11, 2009, 03:30:19 AM
As far as knowing I cant have it hmmm, the problem is I can have it and my temptation keeps growing.

I attended my first therapy session as a guy, I have my second session at the end of the month.... Today I woke up having a stong temptation to attend the next session en-femme, and we are still only in the introduction phase..

:icon_hug:

Chrissty

Hi Coolj,
I dealt with this most of my life, who here hasn't.  I am married.  I tried to resist and put myself through situations that I thought would keep my mind in line with my physical self.  I failed miserably.  In the end, I became suicidal and during a moment of extreme depression, I realized that I wanted to live.  I was crying hard, picked up the phone and called my mother.  That's how I came out to her.  Shortly after that I came out to someone else who introduced me to a therapist.  Like others here, I married.  Partly out of love, but also to force myself to live as a man. Not a good decision, but it happened and I have to deal with that.  I don't want to hurt her either and am responsible for the position I put us in.
  I put off hormone treatment and living as a woman because I didn't want to hurt her.  My therapist once told me that I have to live my own life, otherwise I'll never be happy.  She's been right so far.  Therapy is the first, and a very important, step.  It helped just to be able to talk to someone.  My experience has been that you really can't slow it down.  For me, that caused a depression that I could never have even imagined.  In the end, you either choose to hurt the ones you love, or you live a life of misery, unhappiness, and depression, sometimes manageable and sometimes much less so.  As stated by others, only you can make that decision.

I just have one question for you to ponder... how much is your traumatised mental state due to the built up frustration and increasing need to do something about the way you feel... how much is that already impacting on those you love?

Forcing it away for fear of hurting people... could they not already be hurt when you're too distracted by this, too introspective to give them the attention they want? Be careful you don't inadvertantly do exactly what you want to avoid.

Inner peace doesn't stay inner... it radiates outwards and touches all those around you. As does inner turmoil. You can hide your inner self, but by closing the cell door on something that yearns to be free... I doubt it will stay quiet... and even if you're the only one listening, be careful it doesn't deafen you to the voices of others.

Just my thoughts.

Hi Leiandra,
You bring up a very valid point.  My wife knows I'm still dealing with this, though I try not to show it.  Every now and then, however, she asks me if I'm alright.  I know what she is referring to, but she won't discuss it further.  She is aware and I know that at times she "feels" things aren't quite right.  I can't put into words how desperately I don't want her hurt by this, but at the same time, I know she will be and all I can do is try to make it less painful, though I don't know how.  Anyway, when you've lived with someone for a few years (28 years in my case), it's very difficult, if not impossible, to hide what is inside when the inner turmoil is so strong.

Quote from: Leiandra on January 11, 2009, 08:47:29 AM
.. how much is your traumatised mental state due to the built up frustration and increasing need to do something about the way you feel... how much is that already impacting on those you love?

Hi Leia,... I recognised that some time ago... Like Katherine I know that when I feel the way I do at the moment it cannot be hidden, but then our partners often don't want to deal with the truth (even when they know what it is), and so we continue the rollercoaster of winning one day, and loosing the next..

As I've said before, I see this as a balancing how much pain we can stand, against how much pain we are causing. At some point the balance will shift, and I am hoping to use what I learn in my current therapy sessions to be ready with a positive plan of action when it does.

Having said that, there is also a very real risk that therapy may also bring that day closer. :-\

Chrissty

Quote from: Chrissty on January 11, 2009, 07:21:04 AM
Hi coolJ

Quote from: coolJ on January 10, 2009, 08:56:46 PM
With my Mom passing and almost losing people really close to me I lost the strength I had to repress the inner me.

After my first therapy session last week, realised that my feelings had significantly increased after I had an accident in August last year.... so it would seem that trauma in our lives may act as a trigger and "open the box".... When my father dies (if I make it that far) I am going to have to be very careful.

Quote from: coolJ on January 11, 2009, 03:30:19 AM
As far as knowing I cant have it hmmm, the problem is I can have it and my temptation keeps growing.

I attended my first therapy session as a guy, I have my second session at the end of the month.... Today I woke up having a stong temptation to attend the next session en-femme, and we are still only in the introduction phase..

:icon_hug:

Chrissty

Thats great Chrissty! :D The good thing for you is you look like a pretty woman! And I agree the trauma unlocked the door and its not gonna shut anytime soon. 8)

And when I read posts like Katherines and Steph's it becomes quite apparent that we've got a loooong road ahead of us!

Theres also one thing more. I'm still a happy and thankful person despite it all and I'm just so darn cool that nobody in my circle has a clue about what I'm feeling. My wife didnt until I told her! Nope I've been pretty good at keeping the truth hidden so I'm not sharing the suffering. At least thats one thing that has'nt changed with me. 8)