Susan's Place Transgender Resources

 Need to confess. I've been crossdressing since about 15 off and on. I wore my mothers/sisters stuff on occasion when younger then stopped for a long time. About 14 years or so again I started again and went out and bought shoes/nylons/hose. I've purged and rebought stuff about a dozen times now. I just keep going back to it. When I moved in with my wife years back I thought I had quit for good but then she dared me out of the blue to dress. Lord, it was like a prayer answered. I did for a bit, only in private or with her. But I purged 3 times now and tried to stay 'clean'. Now, I find myself building up an inventory. I get the chills going to the store and buying stuff, just a pair of shoes and some hose, maybe an intimate slip or shapewear or something. Have no desire at all to go public, but fear grips me. Its like I cant stay quit. I sit here wearing stuff I like literally just bought. God whats wrong with me?

There's nothing wrong with you hun, it's OK to dress if that is what you're comfortable doing.  "Men's" and "Women's" clothes are just designed differently, and if you prefer the way "Women's" clothes are designed then that's OK. 

If your wife is ok with you dressing, then that's good because it means she supports you.  Crossdressing does not make you sick or perverted, it's perfectly ok.  If you're afraid of buying clothes in public, don't be.  You're not doing anything wrong, and if anybody asks just say it's a gift for your wife.  If she went with you, would it make it easier?

As you accept the crossdressing, it'll get better.  If you're comfortable with crossdressing, and it makes you happy, then do it.  You're not hurting anyone.

It'll be ok. :icon_hug:

thanks for the positive comments.

I'm just frustrated because I'm trying to stop it but just cant. Its like an addiction. So easy to get into it. I mean, I also look at too much porn and they kinda go hand in hand sometimes. I have read up on this some and even researched sex changes, not that i wanted or want to do so but it interested me. I think if I could actually pass as a woman I'd be all over it. But I dont want to do that, have a wife and kids and they mean the world to me. So basically I see myself going down this slippery slope sometimes and have controled it to self gratification, but it scares me how some let it go farther and if I did the same I'd lose what was most important to me.

I also worry about getting caught as it were. I mean, I couldnt live this down. My wife has been supportive in the past but I can tell there are some reservations. "your not the man i married" is the feeling i get when im dressed up, and I cant blame her cuz when im dressed in womens clothing its just not really me.

Now, I'm pretty liberal in some ways, and libertarian and others. One hell of a dichotomy. I'm not against gay rights or homosexuality per se, but I'm rather conservative and resentfull about gay marriage and the like. My attitude is basically 'look, if your gay fine, thats your business, but could you please not do this in front of me and my kids?' Yet, here I am living this double life in a way. It's very frustrating.

Thanks for listening and for feedback. I just needed to vent. On one hand I'm doing somehting in private that I very much enjoy but at same time I cant come to terms with it. Guess thats what I get for having grown up in the bible belt. I remember what times were like living in the south and resent that, but took some of the conservative messages to heart. Sigh....

Yeah, I'm with Fae here, if you don't have bodies buried in your backyard, or your not cooking meth and its just wearing clothes that some people would or might say are not 'men's' clothes, so what?  In fact, your helping keep the American Economy afloat so keep on buying.

As for how much is enough, put a geographic, or volume limit on it.  X amount of closet space, Y number of dresser drawers, and when you get there just do the Zen materialism deal of thinking, 'if I buy this one thing I will have to get rid of one thing at home' it makes for more sensible and sustainable decisions.  And relax and enjoy, it's your life.  Its nothing bad.

And for the life of me I've never figured out how liberals, libertarians, and conservatives could not agree on something they actually agree on, which is that the government has no business telling people who they can love, or who they can marry.  My kids grew up spending a lot of time in SF.  When we lived in good old it-don't-get-more-traditional-values-than-this IOWA, we knew two gay couples who we were very close to, who our kids grew up around and it didn't seem to matter.  The older one is married and breeding, the younger one is a frat boy who dates cheerleaders.

You know what I feel like? I feel like a conservative lesbian trapped in a mans body. I like women, dont care for men at all (and prefer working with women). I'm not gay, and the thought of it revolts me a bit (not saying its wrong just that its really not my thing). I enjoy being a guy and all, but their is this side to me... I'm not really a bad looking guy, not a model by any means but im alright. But then, there's my dark side i guess.

It kinda helps to get this out. Thanks.

Banshee, I would reiterate that there's nothing wrong with what you're doing.  The best thing I can offer is, you just have to accept that you like crossdressing.  It doesn't make you a bad person, and it doesn't make you sick or some kind of monster.  Perhaps seeing a counselor would help?  I'm sure there are counselors out there who have worked with crossdressers and helped them accept themselves.  Maybe there's one in your area?

It seems like your family is important, but so is your mental health.  Talk to your wife.  Maybe the reservation of "you're not the man I married" is something you perceive, and not something that she actually feels.  If she supports you and loves you despite the dressing, it'll make things so much easier.  Seeking counseling for coping with the dressing will help too.

I work in a very bad part of town, and work with some pretty bad people, crossdressing and wacking it to porn is not a dark side.

Quote from: tekla on January 07, 2009, 11:12:59 AM
I work in a very bad part of town, and work with some pretty bad people, crossdressing and wacking it to porn is not a dark side.

Agreed.  It's perfectly ok, as long as you're not hurting anyone.  It doesn't sound like you are hurting anyone Banshee, so just go with it.  ;D

Quote from: tekla on January 07, 2009, 11:07:14 AM
As for how much is enough, put a geographic, or volume limit on it.

A practical suggestion, I appreciate it. I have a trunk that I keep under the bed. Originally it was where I kept some stuff from my bachelor days, old playboys and the like. It ended up being my 'closet' but I've purged it a few times now since being married. Anyways, the space thing is appropriate. I'm a dresser, not Imelda Marcos. (wife of an old philipino president reported to have a HUGE shoe collection)

Quote from: tekla on January 07, 2009, 11:07:14 AM
And relax and enjoy, it's your life.  Its nothing bad.

The porn usage kinda worries me as well, to be honest. It's like a daily habit now. The dressing is much rarer (weekly maybe instead of daily if opportunity permits) but the porn usage worries me as well. Been using porn almost daily as long as I can remember, and thats a hard habit to kick. I think there must be some kind of dopamine release from it and I just cant think straight until I get that done. Sometimes I've thought it must be nice for women to not have that monkey on your back, the obsession with sex. Dunno if its testosterone or what, but man its like constantly there. How do you get used to that, its impossible to ignore.

Also, my wife used to get mad at me when we went out. I was always checking out other women. She's a bit conservative herself and really frowned on me for it. She's gotten a little more forgiving, and I've tried to not check women out as obviously. We've both worked at it I think. She knows I think that I'd never cheat on her, and I do believe that. Oh the temptation would be there but I've turned down opportunities before. I wont risk my marriage. And I guess thats what this boils down to, risking my marriage. Here is this institution I hold dear, wife and kids, but then I feel like this dark side comes rising up all the time and I have to beat it down (or off, sorry for the pun).

Have to say the internet is a wonderous thing, in allowing for this. But then, without it maybe I wouldnt have this dilema.

Porn and crossdressing existed long before the internet.

Quote from: tekla on January 07, 2009, 11:23:03 AM
Porn and crossdressing existed long before the internet.

Yeah, lol. It did. I read somewhere once there was a Roman emperor who was a crossdresser and wanted his surgeons to make him a woman (but impossible as medical science was nowhere near as advanced as now).

On a off note, what do you do about a pair of pumps that pinch the toes. I bought a pair of size 10's when I really need 11's. Cute, but man do they pinch after a bit. I've understood why women complain as a result of all this.

On another side note, i dressed up as a nurse once for work (i'm a nurse) and wore an old nursing dress of my wifes that I fit in (much to her chagrin I assure you, its 'disappeared' lol). Half that night a few guys kept coming around to check on me, so now I also know what its like to be oogled. Funny thing is I did it as a gag and kept my beard on, but did shave my legs. I looked hot from behind i'm told, cept for the bit wide shoulders, but kept a cigar in my mouth and a beard and all my patients and family member cracked up laughing at it. That was a great holloween. I had to change back into guy uniform though as the frequent checks was a bit disconcerting.

Two glasses of wine, im getting a bit loopy, ill stop posting now I think, but promise to read more later. Obviously I'm one of those silent types who loosen up with beer/wine. LOL.

You take the shoes to cobbler and put then in a shoe stretcher for a few days.

And I went to Pompei once and the amount of porn on the walls is mindblowing.

Quote from: tekla on January 07, 2009, 11:49:47 AM
I went to Pompei once and the amount of porn on the walls is mindblowing.

The Romans have a reputation. But when the average lifespan was into your 30's I guess you live life hard while you can.

I'm trying to break the pumps in, yeah. Never thought of going to a cobbler to do it though. I'm prior army (not trying to be something I'm not, thats just who I was/am) and I'm old school, you wear your boots till they bend to your will, not the other way around. So here I am wearing my nice $25 pumps till they realize I'm going to win and they might as well stretch a bit.

I'm old school union, and I take my boots into be stretched before I wear them to work the first time.  And, at that, I'll be in other shoes by the end of the day.

Quote from: tekla on January 07, 2009, 11:58:27 AM
I'm old school union

LOL. Union is a dirty word where I'm from here in the south, but sometimes I wish they would come in and fix some things.

Another question since I have so much good advice raining in. I've shaved my legs in the past (quite hairy on the legs) and always break out with red spots. Tried a home wax job once (Nads, wife laughed I repressed yells) and the red spots came on a week later. Dont want to permanently loose the hair but wonder if a professional wax job might do the trick. Any pearls of wisdom from y'all?

Funny, The South is a dirty word where I live, in Cali.  And I'm in a very old, traditional union, founded in 1892.

Banshee, try using a trimmer on your legs first to remove all the excess hair, then use a razor with some women's leg shaving cream, something with a moisturizer in it.  That might help.  It sounds like your razor is getting clogged up with hair and nicking your skin because it's dull, that may be the reason for all the red bumps.

Was stationed in California briefly. State is too liberal for my tastes, but there was a great tobacco shop in Monterrey I remember. What a lovely town. Was fortunate to have visited.

Can I even say something was too liberal for my tastes on a site like this? LOL!

Sorry if I ramble, the two glasses of wine have worked wonderfully and I'm more than a bit buzzing atm. Trying to watch for typo's here. Nothing worse than a ->-bleeped-<- who likes to talk/type alot when sauced. Must be a touch of OCD in me as I'm watching to typos as I go, but that must be the nurse in me.

I really appreciate the acceptance and support btw. So glad I found this forum.

Took the shoes off, my toes were crying. Shame I've done so many purges cuz I had some wonderfull shoes in the past, comfortable and good looking. I guess if I was a real girl (GG I think y'all call it -Genetic Girl?) I would have been one of those chicks all about the shoes. But thats probably because I'm a leg man myself. Wow I love it when women show off their legs.

Quote from: fae_reborn on January 07, 2009, 12:09:15 PM
Banshee, try using a trimmer on your legs first to remove all the excess hair, then use a razor with some women's leg shaving cream, something with a moisturizer in it.  That might help.  It sounds like your razor is getting clogged up with hair and nicking your skin because it's dull, that may be the reason for all the red bumps.

I've tried various routes. I've shaved my legs a few times with my wife and waxed at home once. I can honestly say I have nice legs but the rash/red spots kinda kills it. The waxing looked ok once the redness went down after about 12 hours or so, but when the hair started coming back in it was back to the redness again (although not as severe). I'm leaning towards just having a professional wax job. Was wondering if others have had the same issues and how to resolve them. Dont want to permanently loose the hair. The wife says she likes the hair and for the same reason I wear a beard. I like the beard as well, its who I am. I've shaved beard twice since being married and wife didnt respond well to that. She says its not an issue but I know it is. Odd, I can shave my legs and dress in womens clothing and she's only occasionally wierded by it, but loose the beard and its a week of silence till I can grow it back. Maybe its what she recognizes me by and she's too important to me to loose that.

Fae_reborn and Tekla I love your responses and support. I have no real friends beyond my wife, but enjoy your feedback. Trying to work this out and its good to have a dialog with non-involved parties.

Just sitting here dressed makes me feel relaxed, but then that may be the wine working as well. Probably gonna go to sleep for a while soon. Anyways, thanks for the support.

I think a lot of people in the world think that Cali is too liberal, NorCal, way too liberal, and SF off the charts.  We like to think of SF as 49 square miles surrounded by reality, and we like it that way.  It's not for everyone.

If you enjoy it, if it relaxes you, or you find something about you that can't be expressed any other way, then its fine.  No one is getting hurt.  Crossdressing is pretty much a victimless crime.

Quote from: tekla on January 07, 2009, 12:47:05 PM
No one is getting hurt.  Crossdressing is pretty much a victimless crime.

I'm not hurting anyone. But I guess I do feel a bit the victim of my own conflicting feelings.

Partly I feel what I do is immoral, yet on the other hand I dont care for the reasons you've listed. I'm not hurting anyone and my actions have not affected anyone else. Then again, I worry mostly about the consequences, about the morality. I blame it partly on growing up in the bible belt and the judgements of it growing up, yet I seem to know better on some level.

I guess what I'm saying is that I dont feel bad about it so much as worried over the consequences of my actions. It's purely a moral dilemma of my own making. I do it, but I blame myself for it and feel bad about it while at the same time it makes me feel good. The visual aspect and the sensory aspect of it is fulfilling, and then the moral concerns kinda kill it. Two worlds and way too complicated for me to reconcile.

No need to continue, im just working things out on paper at this point.

I'm kinda slow, bear of very little brain and all, but exactly how do fashion choices and immorality have anything to do with each other?

Quote from: tekla on January 07, 2009, 01:05:05 PM
I'm kinda slow, bear of very little brain and all, but exactly how do fashion choices and immorality have anything to do with each other?

Your not slow, I think I'm just damaged. I grew up in a realm of morality in the Bible belt and while I've taken some of the message to heart other parts of the message I disagree with but cant reconcile.

Basically, crossdressing is wrong cuz bible school made it so... It's certainly not something that I'd want to see much of in public yet here I am doing it (in private).

I know this all sounds silly, but its really bothering me. I tell my wife what it was like growing up in that sort of environment and she just cant grasp it. I bet she thinks I make it up (like the blue laws where the sabbath was holy and you would go to jail for doing anything the towns preachers said was a sin).

You're welcome Banshee, just browse through the forums I'm sure you'll find just what you need here, we're all pretty supportive.  Except when we're arguing with each other.  ;)

Quote from: fae_reborn on January 07, 2009, 12:09:15 PM
Banshee, try using a trimmer on your legs first to remove all the excess hair, then use a razor with some women's leg shaving cream, something with a moisturizer in it.  That might help.

Wow, I did not know you got womans leg shaving cream. I should try that.

Banshee,

I agree with Fae & Tekla. You're not doing anything wrong or evil or whatever. The only person you might possibly hurt is your wife, and she already knows.

And as Tekla pointed out, you're supporting the economy.

Of course, if your friends/coworkers/customers/whatever found out about your secret self, you might have some problems. But I gather you have enough sense to keep it private. Besides, I suspect you'd be shocked if you discovered what really goes on in some of your friends' and neighbors' bedrooms.

Incidentally, I know what you're talking about with the thrill of shopping. Shopping for guy clothes is just plain boring. Blech! But women's clothes ... now that's exciting! The thrill of the hunt and all that. The challenge of finding something cute ... in my size ... or at least what I guess to be my size. As you've no doubt discovered, dress sizes aren't all that consistent. And fooling the salesgirls into thinking that it's not for me is fun too.

Oh yes, I got the same "crossdressing is evil" messages when I was growing up -- and that was not in the bible belt. I've managed to shed them by now. Although once in a while, when I'm depressed, they do come back and bite me in the ass for a little while.

Quote from: banshee on January 07, 2009, 11:08:33 AM
You know what I feel like? I feel like a conservative lesbian trapped in a mans body. 

This reminds me of an Eddie Izzard stand-up bit where he describes being a ->-bleeped-<- as being male-lesbian.

Go to youtube and check out some Eddie Izzard stand-up, he's hilarious and knows how to rock a good dress. :D

Quote from: tekla on January 07, 2009, 12:47:05 PM
I think a lot of people in the world think that Cali is too liberal, NorCal, way too liberal, and SF off the charts.  We like to think of SF as 49 square miles surrounded by reality, and we like it that way.  It's not for everyone.

I've always heard it as:
california: LA and SF with kentucky in between
(or somethign similar)

banshee: try exfoliating for those shaving bumps.

Quote from: MarySue on January 07, 2009, 11:31:34 PM
I suspect you'd be shocked if you discovered what really goes on in some of your friends' and neighbors' bedrooms.

Yeah, I'd rather not know what goes on in others bedrooms. The internet gives me plenty enough to shock.


Thanks all for the support. I'm trying to come to grips with it since I've pretty much realized that I'm not going to stop it seems. Also trying to temper it with how much I'd like to do and how much I can do without panicking the wife.

Hi banshee

I gave up on gods and religions when I found out they didn't support people like me. If god made me like I am, then what's the problem. If it didn't make me- there is no problem.

Can I suggest take your time. You are doing nothing wrong. Genetic women dress in male clothing all the time, I haven't heard any bible bashers critizing them. But i'm in Australia.
Accept yourself and talk to your wife and explain your feelings and express your deep love to her. She is worried about losing you.

Tell her the truth, in moderation over time

LoL
Cindy James

Thinking on it has helped, as well as supportive messages.

I've never thought of myself as a monster or anything, just maybe immoral and confused.

As I mentioned before I'm crossdressing on occasion as permits, usually just heels and hose, but most enjoy a full outfit if I can. I also consume porn a fair bit, and dressing up almost always done with sexual intent. But as I resist it and think on it I'm trying to identify just what it is I enjoy about it. Maybe I can filter it down to what I'm really after.

I find that when I'm looking at porn its mostly pictures of women with occasional videos thrown in. I look at maybe 30 percent of the pictures and 60 percent of the videos and I'm aroused by the sexuality of that girl. In other words I look at them from the viewpoint of a guy and get aroused. But I've noticed that for the other 70 percent, especially the pretty and shapely ones, what really arouses me is the woman herself. For that 70 percent its not so much the fantasy of being with her or her sexuality but its the enjoyment of her shape and looks and clothes (or partial lack therof). I guess in a way I look at the really pretty ones and can actually see myself being her.

I think if I could actually be one of those women for a while, to have that body and sexuality... that would be the greatest. I wouldnt want to leave behind who I am, but if I could do that at will and actually BE a gorgeous woman... wow.

I play alot of online games as well, and all (and I do mean ALL) of my characters are women. City of Heroes is the worst as you can make some interesting costumes, and I find myself playing Barbie with them and their clothes. Its a fascination that I just cant shake. Maybe I shoulda been one of those fashion designers, lol.

If you dress early and often and stay dressed after 'ahem' then that sexual rush goes away pretty fast too, it becomes 'normal' if that's what you are after.

 I usually am awake at night, work night shifts and just stay awake at night on my nights off. Last night the concept kinda hit me and there was just no desire for either. Kinda an "aha" moment I guess.

Now I sorta realize that I very well could do one without the other either way, whereas I had only thought of it as if I dress im gonna do that also kinda thing. The thought is a bit scary.

Banshee,

There is nothing immoral about crossdressing.  You need to distinguish between what is right and wrong on the one hand and what our social mores expect of us.  Conformity to socially acceptable stereotypes is not necessarily moral.  In fact it can be downright immoral if those stereotypes degrade people.  Gender stereotypes are ingrained in our society.  Over the past century many of these stereotypes have been challenged and modified by movements such as the women's movement.  For a man to transgress those steretypes by wearing women's clothing and makeup still is frowned upon by society.  But social ridicule is not the same as morality.

There can be many reasonable foundations for a genuine morality.  Is the action one that demonstrates love for others and for oneself?  Does the action harm another?  Does it violate anyone's rights?  Does it promote an injustice?  These are just some of the questions we can ask ourselves to determine what is morally right.  By any reasonable standard crossdressing is not immoral.

Have some ->-bleeped-<-ing fun!

Im just starting to get into cross dressing and I love it. I wanna be a girl sometimes and I want to go out into the world eventually. The only thing stopping me is that I live at home with my parents and am not out to them, but I kind of let them know by leaving dresses and wigs laying around my room...along with many bottles of alcohol and cigarette boxes...sometimes that helps.

I love my new cross dressing habit :-)

I too am a new cross dresser (1 month).

If you feel it's a habit then maybe you have an addictive personality. A therapist told me all people have addictive personalities. If we do something we enjoy we repeat it. There is nothing wrong as long as nobody gets hurt. Also it may not be a double life. Probably just making you more complete. It's still you living a more fulfilling life. If crossdressing were the only bad habit I've ever had I could have avoided alot of counseling and greif. I think you should have fun with it and "Go Girl"!!! Hugs, Genevieve