Susan's Place Transgender Resources

*Lets out a deep breath*

I came out to my parrents very early last year....  We had our discussions.... our fights.... and finaly everything calmed down..... Or so I thought.

I've moved back into my parrents house as a last resort.... My father owes me enough that I could live here rent free for the rest of my life LoL (Actualy pay for SRS and FFS with the top surgons in the world heh).  Half the time I wander around the house in my PJs (obviously feminen) and other than a few comments here and there no problems.....

The other day (tuesday night) my dad desided he wanted to rough house and smacked me in the chest... "DONT DO THAT....  IT FREAKING HURTS!!!!"  He hadnt realized that Id been back on HRT for over a month now..... Totaly oblivious to comments and conversations between my mother and myself.....

Anyways every night he inturupts what ever Im doing to have a "talk" with me.  He goes over the same points we did last year over and over again occasionaly trying to find a new way to rationalize me....
Hes trying to blame it on my mother... his mother... and every other strong willed women Ive ever had prolonged contact with.  He wants to go pick a fight with my theripist for giveing me my new letter so quickly.  He thinks I should change theripists and get "fixed" rather than transition..... he just dosnt want to understand.....

Hes worse than ever before.... I thought we had been done with this for over a year....  *sigh*  Its getting to the point of totaly dreading seeing him all over again.  And I like that he and I rebuilt our desimated relationship durring the time I had moved out....  I just dont know what to do.... I even sugested he come here and read/post on the forum or join the chat....

Just needed to get this off my shoulders before it crushed me.... sorry.  *Hugs*

LynnER,

Well, it would be great if you could actually get him to come here.  He needs to get information.  He could sure get that here, not to mention he could meet others like his son.  Realize that it's not mental illness.  Realize that the "cure" means acceptance, not a prescription and abstainence.

I am very sorry you are having to go through this, I know how difficult it must be for you.  Hang in there and just try to keep pointing him to real information.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Hi LynnER...
unfortionately I have to admit i know what your father is going through... he is in a state of denial... and your relationship right now is very touchie...as you already know...
its sits between his love for you and all he has been brought up to believe in his Macho world....  He is probly thinking , I should Kick Him out ( not kick her out, he hasn't made that connection!) but because of his love for you he hasn't yet...he hasn't given up hope that your "FIXABLE" yet... he wants his Son back.... but don't you dare give in ! its HIS problem he must deal with it !
Yes by all means get him on here ! I want to talk to him! this is why I have come here in the first place... I have been there where he is now standing though I was only there for about a week... a Hart to Hart with my Daughter( was son) proved to me that she was seriousand there was no turning back for her.... i had to eather accept it or denie it and kick her out of the house...  but I love my Kid and I knew that would only hurt more, and it wouldn't solve anything at all.... so I tried to understand... because i simply did not.... How Can your Dad understand ? look at it from his eyes.... your still his Kid and will be till you die of old age.... he knows someone is at fault but doesn't know who
and if he could just get his hands on them they would be in a world of hurt ! ...I KNOW the feeling.... been there done that...
but his NOT knowing the facts is the biggest problem to his understanding right now.
appart from not wanting to hear any discussion about it at all because it brings up pain in his hart and guilt of perhaps messing up somewhere along the lines as he raised you...
you must still get the information through his thick head ! He doesn't want to see it!
You must tell him  " its not a screwup in how i was raised!" "its not your fault!"
its a birth defect plane and simple, but it is fixable by transissioning... not going back to what you were.   
  He wants you to be a happy person , all parents do ! but when it comes time to blame ones self a Dad can be stubarned as All Heck !  he is responcable , even if Mom caused it
which she probly did or you wouldn't be trying to go Female... but in the end He is the responcable one .... and you Have to get him past that point,  it was hard to get through my head as well !  but it helped reading some of the TS stories on the boards here.
i thought Ok well maybe  its not my fault after all... so what is ? i'll Kill it !
( a simple stright foward approach of male bravado i admit but not far from fact at all!)
and if I could have found one thing to blame I would simply have done it in ! period
.... but I still wasn't on the right track yet....  its NO ones fault! no one is to blame
some people turn out this way and some don't , and that is the simple truth of the matter!   so Us Dads have no one to blame... which leaves us with nothing to excat our vengance upon.... the anger and hurt is still in there festering...looking for a target.
and Only knowledge will release it... he must know the reasons. even if he says he doesn't care ....  this whole thing is a bad dream that he hopes will just go away.
...
Lynn  tred very carefully right now, chose your words very carefully, and don't do anything to agravate your father.   as i said before on this site, this is harder on the parents than you can possably amagon...
close to the brakeing point , is what I'ed call his position. 
work first on "its not your fault" its not anyones FAULT.... it just happens is all!
once he can accept that you can try to move on from there.
EDUCATE HIM ! and it won't be easy at first because he don't want to hear it !
your in for a battle, but the battle can be Victorious ! for everyone
....
it is no supprise to me at all that you had already discussed this and you have to go over the exact same questions again and again.... it hurts and takes alot out of you and is no fun at all.... it hurts to see the pain and disipointment in your parents eyes... but that is because they DO NOT UNDERSTAND.... even after you tell them ... it just doesn't sink in  Kiddo... ya gott'a tell them a million times !
... and tell your Dad you Love him ok ? he needs to hear that !  if he didn't love you he wouldn't be fighting this ! 

haing in there Lynn i'm pullin for ya !
...
Bob.......

Sounds like you're at least further along with your father than I am with my parents.  They had the decision to accept me or kick me out as Bob said and they decided to kick me out.  Fine.  I'm not dependent on them.  I miss them, but I will not let them control my life.  I think they need to weigh whether it is better to accept that I'm really female or if it's better to lose a child period.  I am just laying low right now and letting them see that no matter how much they blame me, it won't change anything, regardless of their own prejudices.

I think it's funny that they tell me they still love me unconditionally, but only on the *condition* that I live like a male.  Well, I've tried both ways of living and there's no way I'm going back.

Anyway, sorry for the little rant, but in time, hopefully they will come to accept you, but I also have my reservations about that, since I saw Cindi's blog page and after 20 years, her mom still doesn't accept her.

Melissa

LynnER,

   Parents are always the hardest ones to conform. The positive note is you are living there, on HRT, and wearing what you want? They will still always "see" you for what you were born, ignoring the woman you are on the inside, and so desperately want to become. I know I never would have been able to live with my parents during transition. No way. I left and moved 1,800 miles away, and it still broke my mother's heart. I stopped transitioning after 5 years back then, changed my life to make others happy, then after her death 3.5 years ago, knew now I could think about transition again. The point is I allowed her to have way too much influence on a very big part of my life, and I feel I wasted alot of years, though I do have my own kids because of it so I have to try to find the positive side to what happened with me. But you, if you are hindered in any way with your transition being with your parents then you need to get out of there as soon as you can. Just don't let your time be wasted. Good luck.

                                               Marco

Getting out is the plan.... but I need some financial stability first, to catch up on my medical bills, car payments and so on before I can do anything..... Moveing back in was my LAST resort.... I ran out of friends houses to drift to *shrugs*  My moms been on vacation visiting my grandparrents in Ohio for the last 2 weeks and is due back any minut...  I just hope my fathers ranting and outbursts dont cause her to revert too....

Thanks for all the advice got to go to work ... *Hugs* 

Lynn, I totally identify with you; I'm back at my folks' house after 2 years (and on and off prior to that) on my own, and I'm going insane. I'm not even undergoing T therapy, nor am I out to my parents, but I get enough trouble from them as it is. Instead of your case, where your father obviously is trying to treat you more like a man, I get treated like a woman, and they all think I"m too weak to do anything. My dad, though, is the worst; the night I got to their house, after 18 hours of driving, my dad started yelling at me about what I'm doing with my life. I'm only here to earn money; after graduating college, I couldn't find a job right away, and what with student loan repayment I went broke pretty quick. What I don't get is that my folks harp on me about every little thing, and yet my brother dropped out of school at 14 and still does basically nothing, but they love him.

I think I'd have to agree with Marco; get out as soon as you can. That's what I intend to do. Regardless of what they owe you, you shouldn't be miserable. Good luck.

Rafe

Well..... Im kinda avoiding going home right now *sighs*  my father is getting worse and Im hoppeing that he'll drop it or atleast come to terms.......

He wants me to go back to guy/work mode fulltime... period and "trial" stop HRT..... or get out.....

Is he blind, didnt he see how horrable and miserable I was when I stopped the last time... did he not see what it caused in my life?  I cant stop again.... Id rather be homeless and back drifting than stop again.
He dosnt understand that the only way for me to win is to loose the war... surender.  Im just at a total loss as far as what to do about him or say to him so.....

Really Im just avoiding the inevitable... Ive got to go back sooner than later.....

 :'(  :icon_bunch:

Hug :icon_hug: Hug  :icon_hug: Hug  :icon_hug:

:(
Jillieann

Ugh ! Man I am realy sorry to hear your father is being so hard nosed about it.
it leaves you with no choice....
if its any consulation its not the first time someone has been kicked out... and won't be the last....
  toughen up yourself for the time to come , be strong and pack your bags !
you can do it, its just not the easiest way is all....
haing in there Lynn  i wish Your father would be more reasonable, but it looks as there is nothing you can say that will change his mind as it is more than likely made up as this is the best way to handle the siduation.... ignerance hurts.... and i feel for you !  wish i could help.
....
Bob.........

Quote from: LynnER on August 06, 2006, 05:40:37 PM
Well..... Im kinda avoiding going home right now *sighs*  my father is getting worse and Im hoppeing that he'll drop it or atleast come to terms.......

He wants me to go back to guy/work mode fulltime... period and "trial" stop HRT..... or get out.....

Is he blind, didnt he see how horrable and miserable I was when I stopped the last time... did he not see what it caused in my life?  I cant stop again.... Id rather be homeless and back drifting than stop again.
He dosnt understand that the only way for me to win is to loose the war... surender.  Im just at a total loss as far as what to do about him or say to him so.....

Really Im just avoiding the inevitable... Ive got to go back sooner than later.....

Lynn,

I wish I could be there to give you a hug...  I wish I had some bit of wisdom to pass on to you.

Surrendering is going back to guy-mode.  Can you call your mom?  (I noticed that she ws away.  Is she back yet?)  Maybe she can help.  Sometimes the only person who can help us is our mother.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Chaunte

:D  my moms back but I havnt seen her yet. We have totaly differing scheduals mine day hers night.  Surendering is nolonger fighting what I am and just going with it.  I desided to do this a while ago and to go back to fighting is not an option ever.  She knows Im back on hrt but my dad can be very persuasive so Im just praying he dosnt turn her back around......

Something my Father mentioned on his way to bed, make sure you parents understand that it is a medical condition not some 'perversion' or something.
^*shrug*

Hang in there Lynn, it will get better eventually (=

I love the way zealots tell us "it's a choice," implying that if we chose to do this, we can just as easily choose not to do it.  Someone (Leigh?) said that if it's a choice, it's like the choice of staying inside a burning building (not transitioning,) or running out and saving your @** (transitioning.)  I've heard other metaphors that put it the same way, with transitioning being the sane, rational thing to do.

I wish there were an empathy machine, that would MAKE others feel what we feel -- it could be used to transmit how it really feels to people who believe there is a choice, and that to choose not to be/behave this way is easy.  And I wish the machine could work continuously, at distance.  I would be heartless and cruel, and transmit to selected bigots for a month or more.

Lynn, I hope you find some relief soon.  I wish I could do something that would make your father understand and accept you as you are.  You are becoming his daughter, and he is losing his son.  Many parents can not let their children grow up, and treat them as children to the end of thir days.  Think of how much harder it must be to watch that child to grow into the gender opposite of what they raised.

We're here to talk to.  Take it one day at a time, and always be on the lookout for a way to help your father understand and come to terms with your transition.

Karen

Lynn :
when I read your post i was so upset with your father that i didn't dare post last night ! ... I did mention to Kim that He is definately looking at this thing as a "Preversion of choice"... and because of this he is justified (somewhat ) in his actions....   You Must educate him...its your only hope of getting through his thick head that it is not by choice... its a birth defect!
a very very subtal one .... and an extreamily hard one to understand
untill he comes to grips with that, there will be heck to pay ! as he has made up his mind on how to handle the siduation.... "do it my way or else"...
so ...show him that his way is in error !....
I know how its like I grew up with a father just like that and its a joke trying to change their mind.... but you can change their mind by letting them change their mind for you.... if you put out enough information that it isn't a choice out there  he will eventually accept it... I hope !
... Lynn Don't hate your father for this .... he is doing the best he can with all he knows, he lives in an old world things were done diferently back then and he thinks those ways are good time tested ways to cure problems.
He loves you or he wouldn't be doing this , he is trying desperately to "Snap you out of it"   he views it as a "Preversion" not an illness
.... if you were on LSD or something he would handle it the same way... RIGHT?
   but this isn't the same as that and you must show him its not... and let the head strong idiot come up with the right answer ! because You can't tell him ..... he can't learn from his Kid after all...<grin>
....
   Many a Kid as I was growing up was kicked out of their home when their folks discovered they were on drugs or smokeing grass and such.... thats how parents handled it in my generation..... you don't toe the line you get kicked out ...simple and effective....
   However We as a generation would not kick out a child for having a metical condition....  on the contary we would do everything in our power to help.
.... this is what he is doing..... now can you change his mind set ?
that is a tough question , it depends on you and him.
i wish you all the luck in the world girl  ! haing in there this sure as heck can't be easy! ..... Regardless i think it would be best if you can manage to get out and get away..... but you know best in that regard.
<HUG>
Haing in there !
Be strong, you can do it !
Bob.........

lynnER:
girl I love your posts i love your sense of humor i love you.


I don't know what to say.  I learned from my own parents arguments and my ex-wives fights to never insult anyone's parents is ok for you to do so to say what you want about your dad but not for me because is "Your dad"  that am talking about not Mr. so and so ...am saying this to excuse my lack of comment on the subject, just showing you respect ...just know I feel for you and that I love you girl!   chin up 8)
sheila18, love no matter what.

Very good point Shelia
I will try to remember that ! I would be upset if someone called my father an idiot, he is in many ways but i love him just the same inspite of it <grin>
thank you for the "heads up" very nicely done I might add !

Lynn, I mean no disrespect to your father, but his actions disturbe me grately
for what he is putting you through ....  I apoligize.
haing in there Kiddo !


Bob........

Thankyou again everyone  :D

*Sighs*  My father is many things.... Includeing an idiot and I dont mind other people saying so cuz I agree in every way.

He's a horrable buisness man... he makes bad choices "For the family", he trys his best to be a good father and a "man"......

He is handicapped from birth..... he has put up with more in his life than anyone should.... he was sheltered when he should have been let loose for life to take advantage and beat some sence into him.....

He's a good and honorable man.... <Think he may be like the rest of the family and suffer from testostrone poisoning.... no offence to the GM's and the FTM's> He's done everything in his life for his family... be it his mother the queen of all evil <I loved her but still......... and dont ask> or us.

All in all he has managed to pave a six lane highway of gold with dimonds for lighting.... but its heading straight to hell............. youve heard what they say about good intentions........ well hes full of them.

I've done my best to help him.... ruined relationships... quit good jobs to try and help him, but...... *Again sighs*

I love him to death and I wish for a change he was'nt full of the best intentions and was a biggot or something worse.... hes smart.. hes non religious.... he has friends <actualy in person> that are TS........ yet he cant accept who I am........... I know he loves me........ he dosnt want to see me hurt......... but I cant understand why he cant see he is and how much he has hurt me......

Im so sorry and I dont mean to complain and I really dont want to seem like a burdon.........

Lynn, he may continue to be like that until you are able to live your life as you want and he's able to see how much happier you truly are.

Melissa

LynnER:
  girl you made me cry girl, it reminded me of my dad, he drank and he was this incredible bright and intelligent guy but he was so stupid at times and when he drank he alienated the world and it was awefull ...Still I love him and he saved my life in many ways ...You'll survive this and i hope that your spirit does become stronger and courageous and fierce and forgiving without forgetting  ...love you, sheila    never give up!

Well......... He has'nt kicked me out yet...... Dosnt look like he's going to.

We talked last night when I got home.  Hes still not happy, but he is copeing in his own way.

<My father> "You will allways be my son and are my eldest<sp?> child. I'll allways stand behind you.....  But if you fall I wont catch you and I wont hold or pick you up.  Your welcome to stay as long as you need to.  After talking to your mother I realized that this is what you 'think' you want and nothing is going to stop you till you deside otherwise.  I still love you, and I will allways love you.............. but I still think your makeing a mistake."

*Sighs*   It's not what I wanted to hear from him...... but its better than I'd been expecting recently.  Atleast I still have a home  :)

*Hugs*

Lynn,

I am so glad your father is starting to understand.

Hold your head High Lynn.

Hugs
Alice

He'll come around Lynn !  he will needs lots of time and education ! and YOU must educate him...
that is alot better than it could be... he'd trying to understand give him credit for that ! thats more than can be said for many !
glad to hear you still have a roof over your head !
no doubt that will help alot in the time to come !

I had those very same thoughts i might add.... "I love you but i still thinking your makeing a very big mistake"... but I finally realised that its a MEDICAL condition and not a Kinky prefrence of choice... it makes a world of diference ! especially to us old codgers !.... why ? heck i have no idea.... guess our up bringing ! ehhehehehe !
haing in there Lynn be paitiant !
...
Bob.....

Sounds like he's coming around, Lynn, slowly but surely. At least he hasn't dismissed your lifestyle outright, nor did he kick you out, which is what my folks would do. Progress, however arduous, is progress nonetheless.

Rafe

Quote from: Rafe on August 10, 2006, 08:20:46 PM
At least he hasn't dismissed your lifestyle outright
Rafe

This is the main reason why family members and society in general don't want to understand us.  They think that being transsexual is a lifestyle  something that we choose for fun, pleasure or rebellion.  They don't realize that being transsexual is not a choice but a matter of life and death in most cases. 



tinkerbell

Indeed ! Very True Tinkerbell !
I just wish I could snap my fingers and everyone in the world would know what I know on the subject.... not that it is all incompassing by any means, after all i am still learning
but Any knowledge is better than absoultly none and that is the case of the avrage person .... absoultly No understanding of the subject ! which is extreamily unfortionate.
....
Bob.....

tinker:
  well said!  ;)
sheila18

Quote from: Tinkerbell on August 10, 2006, 08:35:01 PM

Quote from: Rafe on August 10, 2006, 08:20:46 PM
At least he hasn't dismissed your lifestyle outright
Rafe

This is the main reason why family members and society in general don't want to understand us.  They think that being transsexual is a lifestyle  something that we choose for fun, pleasure or rebellion.  They don't realize that being transsexual is not a choice but a matter of life and death in most cases. 



tinkerbell

Tink,

You hit the nail square on the head!  This is who we are - how we are wired! 

Lynn, it sounds like you have reached a milestone with your parents.  It's a long road, but its a start.  Maybe the thing to do is educate you mother first and then she can help educate your father about being transgendered.

Chaunte

Sorry ladies and gentlemen, I didn't mean to conform to a stereotype, obviously. I meant no offense by using the word "lifestyle"... and I'm sorry if it was taken that way. I meant at least he isn't outright dismissing who you are, Lynn. Obviously, as an FtM myself, I don't believe for one second that being TS is a choice.

Rafe

Yes, my parents have used the terms "lifestyle" and "choice" specifically.  Unfortunately, I still have no idea how to convince them otherwise.  I really wish I could offer some words of advice thought. :(  I have tried getting them to read a copy of true selves, but that didn't help.  Now I am just trying to give them time and space (boy that sounds like I'm giving a lot ;)) for them to adjust.  My therapist told me it is just denial that the problem really exists.  That's about the best I can help with.  :-\

Melissa