Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So, only one of my friends knows I'm trans so far, and I told her because I was hoping she would stop harassing me about how I never do anything 'girly'. Instead, it had a bad effect. Instead, she's been trying to hint it to every one of my friends, and has frankly been destroying what was left of my male pride. Even after I told her, she still doesn't get it! She doesn't seem to be able to notice how hard it was for me to tell her, which was very obvious. And every time I get mad at her, she follows me around asking me why I'm upset. And my other friends, since they don't know, make fun of me for it, and try to force me to do things I would try to avoid (i.e. going into the girl's bathroom).

So, the fault of today. For the purpose of explaining this, the friend who knows will be called 'S' and the friends who don't know will be 'M' and 'D'. So M dared S to hug me and tell me that she loved me (one of their jokes since they guess I'm lesbo) for a quarter, and she did it. Which wouldn't be so bad, except:one, we were in front of all my guy friends (embarassment), two, she pulled my shirt tight against my body so I saw my boobs, which makes me feel sick, and three, when I told her to get off, she wouldn't let go until I threatened to throw up on her. After that, I stormed off, and she followed me asking what was wrong (in a joking way, not even sincere), while M and D harassed me about not liking physical contact (i.e. 'Are you allergic to affection?').

I am really angry that she can't be sensitive in any way at all. I told her so that she could help me, not make it worse!  :icon_censored: :icon_burn:

I don't mean to rant, but I wish that she would actually realize how serious this is. Can anyone tell me how to get this through to her?

I don't think you can get trans stuff through to people who haven't experienced it, but that sounds like a really uncomfortable moment, and one that would push anyone's boundaries, trans or not.

I guess, I'd do what I did in high school, which was just put up a really tough cold front and act like nothing ever bothered me. It did, but acting cool about stuff that people tried stopped them trying again, cause it would make them look stupid. Condescension works wonders.

But don't make it about being trans. That sets you up to be the victim. Make it out like they're being idiots.

Dennis

Other than taking her aside and telling her it's hurting your relationship with her more than helping, I agree with Dennis. That's how I got people to stop picking on me in highschool about being less than beautiful and crud.

I try to not let them bother me, but it's a sensitive spot, and it gets to me when they push the limits like that. With anything else, I can be hard as stone, and they know that. Which is probably why they are so confused when I show my emotions so much.

They are being stupid, and I wish they'd just grow up a little bit. I seem to be very mature for my age, and so that puts me way out of range of them. But still, they could at least try and respect my boundaries.

I guess I'll just try to talk to her, but if my other friends continue harassing me like that (which they almost certainly will), she'll join in.

sounds like she has a crush on you.

I'm with Dennis.  The only bad thing about building up that wall in a situation where you're emotions are strong is that you essentially shut those emotions off.  It's effective, but it can also be damaging.  Once they are turned off, it's pretty hard to turn them back on.  I hope it gets better soon.

Quote from: Jaimey on March 18, 2009, 03:43:53 AM
I'm with Dennis.  The only bad thing about building up that wall in a situation where you're emotions are strong is that you essentially shut those emotions off.  It's effective, but it can also be damaging.  Once they are turned off, it's pretty hard to turn them back on.  I hope it gets better soon.

Definitely true.  The tools I used to survive the front half of my life, are now messing with my ability to live the second half of my life.

Hilllaaaaaarious how that works out.

Quote from: Nero on March 18, 2009, 01:21:12 AM
sounds like she has a crush on you.

!? I don't think so. She just likes to bother me.


Anyway, I'm not sure what to do about it. I told her that I'm still mad at her for it today, and she still doesn't understand what she did.

I agree she could have a crush on you.  She may not know how to express it, except by bothering you.  Maybe she doesn't even really realize she has a crush on you, or does, but can't really figure it out with your gender status?  How does she identify?

I third Nero's assessment.

If she doesn't understand why you're upset she's probably not trying to rile you up.

Wow. Umm... this is weird. I don't really know what her 'preference' would be. I've seen her hitting on guys before, so I don't think she would be a lesbian. I say that because she doesn't really see me as a guy, which is part of her misunderstanding. But we've been friends for 9 years now. I don't think she likes me, but I guess I'm really not good at knowing these things, since I've never liked anyone myself. But, she's never had a boyfriend before, but she's also not really the type that would want to be stuck to someone like that (not in a bad way). Although, she does seem to like to be stuck to me. Yeah, this is getting weird.

Anyway, she doesn't know why stuff like that makes me upset (part of her lack to put two and two together), but she knows it does, and so she can use that against me.

If anyone has any further thoughts, I'm open to hear.

I would suggest you tell her why you are upset. Maybe it is not as obvious as you think it is. Say what you said here i.e.

"She doesn't seem to be able to notice how hard it was for me to tell her"

"one, we were in front of all my guy friends (embarassment), two, she pulled my shirt tight against my body so I saw my boobs, which makes me feel sick, and three, when I told her to get off, she wouldn't let go until I threatened to throw up on her. After that, I stormed off, and she followed me asking what was wrong (in a joking way, not even sincere). I am really angry that she can't be sensitive in any way at all. I told her so that she could help me, not make it worse! "

I suppose I could try to tell her that, but I don't really have any time to talk to her alone without anyone eavesdropping. Or a time when she can actually pay attention for 10 seconds. I guess I'll just have to find a way to get the message through.  :-\

It does sound like she is not getting the message so spelling it out to her might help. Hard to do though. It is hard talking about things you are not used to talking about IRL.

Write her a note. My friend and I had a notebook we passed. We wrote back and forth even if we were just sitting across the room. Lol. whenever you get a chance, write a note, then when you can be alone long enough, hand it to her and insist she reads it right there. Might help.

Good Luck!

Well, I've thought about a note, but I wouldn't really want to be standing there when she read it, and if she didn't read it right then, she might lose it.

If you were able get her alone, you could let her read this thread.  Maybe if she saw that there are other people out there dealing with this, it would open her eyes a bit.  :-\  It might be a last resort if nothing else works.  The key to talking to her is keeping your emotions in check while you talk to her...they can get in the way of what you want to say.

I'm going to have to agree with Nero, bud.

Except for the fact that she doesn't see you as a guy yet, my gf used to act like similar when she didn't understand the boundaries yet. I mean, in High School, some people don't know what their sexuality is yet and she could be pansexual or bisexual or something... but, that's difficult to asses without knowing her a little more. It sounds like a  girl with a crush, though.

On the other side, if it isn't a crush, well, it still applies anyway, it will take some people a little while to understand completely what it is and what it means to be transgender.

I agree with Nicky.
You should tell her that you're upset.
Maybe she doesn't understand everything... Explain some things to her. Tell her the reasons why you are upset.

You can always tell her to the face that you do not appreciate being treated in that manner, that the reasons for that are personal, and that you're sad but you can't be friends with her if she doesn't stop behaving in that manner because it really hurts you that much.

Well, trying to get her to read this would be challenging, since there are no computers at my school that are private (or probably allowed on this site [extreme parental block stuff]). But I guess I could try.

If she really does like me, she probably won't know/admit it to herself for a few more years. And I'll find out a lot later.

I guess I'll just try to talk to her then. Although, I do tend to get emotional during those kinds of talks, so I'll have a hard time keeping it down. Maybe I'll explain some stuff to her, to make sure she gets it.

She did something similar again today. I'm getting really annoyed with it. I think I'll mull it over this weekend and try and figure out what to say.

On another note, one of my other friends almost found out today. I don't think I'd trust her with that info, cause she wouldn't be able to keep it to herself.

If anything, probably showing your true emotions toward the situation, as long as it isn't violent rage, would probably benefit you. She would be able to see how much it really bothers you that way.

No, I normally start crying. That wouldn't help me very much.  :(

Quote from: Roxas on March 19, 2009, 08:46:25 PM
No, I normally start crying. That wouldn't help me very much.  :(

So do I, but if she sees you crying she might understand how much pain it causes.

That's so messed up! I find it exceedingly hard to believe that she couldn't see a little of how much frustration this is causing you. I've had my fair share of people ragging on me for who I choose to be and then mocking me for daring to show emotion in response or, heaven forbid, standing up for myself.

I agree with Jaimey, having her read this thread might be a good idea if the problems continue. I really think she just needs this spelled out by the letter before she gets it.

Also, a rather more drastic measure, should it get REALLY bad, is to look for friends that would be a good deal more understanding, and willing to accept you without humiliating you in the process. This may not be the best course of action; I doubt you need any more drama in your life.

With whatever course you choose to take, good luck to you!

;) Shannon

Thanks, Shannon. I agree with you; I don't need any more drama in my life. And Monty, I'm not really sure if it would help, because she'd probably tease me about that too, since she really has problems being serious about things. She approaches everything in a joking sense, and that might be why she's not getting that I really am upset and wish she would stop doing it.