Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I don't know exactly how to introduce myself, or what to do. 

My name is Hilary. I live in Saskatchewan, Canada, and I don't like it.  I've always had aspirations to move elsewhere.

Since I was very, very young, I've felt poorly about my gender.  I think this can be traced back to as young an age as seven or eight, when I convinced my younger brother that I was a boy just because the idea made me strangely happy.  The older I became, and as my body was changed during puberty, the worse I felt about it.  It has gotten to points in which I almost break into tears, and feel, as bad as it is, that I'd just like to rip myself apart.  I know I don't want to do that, but... Sometimes... Well, it's difficult to stand this.  I, as a person, have always felt male.  I don't exactly know why, but can any of us pinpoint the reason we feel a certain way?  There is no scientific explanation.  I have always idolized male figures, longing to be like them, but feeling hindered by my being female.  Noticing tiny signs of masculinity in myself - just normal signs, I suppose - somehow bring me gratification.  I don't know how normal that is.  The more masculine my hands, my legs, my arms, and the rest of me look... The better I feel.  In fact, I look strange in the mirror... Out of proportion, almost.  As if some part of my body knows I shouldn't be female.

Yet, even with all these facts in place, I am always doubting myself; doubting whether I should do this.  And of course, there is the fear of even telling my parents, face-to-face, that this is what I want, seriously, and asking for their guidance.  They know, somewhat.  I have had a girlfriend (although I would consider myself pansexual), and they are extremely open to that.  In fact, I don't think I could ask for better parents.  They are very liberal, very open-minded and accepting.

The other night, we had a discussion about me... My mother knows that I want to be a man, but I don't think she takes it seriously.  From what she has told me, she seems to feel I only want to be male because of society, and how society treats women.  That is not the case.  Granted the same rights as any man, I would still seek to change myself.  I told her that maybe this is the way I am, and she said I could go ahead and dress like a man... Act like one.  But it's not enough, in the end.

Since I was eleven or twelve, I have come online and always introduced myself as... male.  It has lost me quite a lot of friends, and I regret that.  But a part of me can't associate properly with people if they see me as a girl.  It changes how I feel about myself and everything entirely.  It's four in the morning here, and I've been up going through this forum and pictures of operations and... I feel pretty serious about this.  But I don't know where to start, or even how to.

I think I could probably get my parents in on this with me, but I would love to have a couple friends who have experienced this, who can give me some insight about the whole process.  I am not afraid.  I think the social aspects scare me more than the pain involved.

Would it be too much to ask, to be called Adrian?
I hope I haven't gone on too long here.  Very nice to meet all of you, and I hope I learn a lot from being here...

Hi Hilary and welcome :)

BTW if it's any comfort to you we have a male minister in our government here in the UK called Hilary Benn :)

Take care, enjoy your time here, and may you make many new friends.

Welcome, Adrian. Have a look at the site rules and TOS: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)

Look forward to your postings. You write very well. (It's that Canadian education system isn't it? ;) )

Dennis

Hi Hilary,   :icon_wave:

Welcome to our little family. Over 1900 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion. Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers.  Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now.  And it is always nice to have another brother.   :icon_hug:

Janet

Thank you all for your warm welcomes!  I'm very glad to be here.  It is interesting to know that there is a male minister named Hilary, but I prefer to go by Adrian whenever possible... Adrian is rather androgynous, and I suppose I appreciate that.

I don't know if it's our Canadian education system, because I always found it was a little too lax.  I think it might have something to do with my family.  They're educated liberal types.  ;) (Which makes me happy.)

It's great to be part of the family and I can't wait to get to know all of you better.   ;D

Nice choice of name and welcome to the forums.

Welcome Adrian! *hugs* Ish good to meet you! I'm sure you'll enjoy it here. ^.^

Hello, other Adrian.  :D Funny about the coincidence.  I must commend you on your name choice.  ;)  -Hugs back- I know I'll enjoy my time here.  It's already really great to be reading around, seeing some stories I can really relate to.

Welcome Hilary. Make yourself at home. Have a coffee or tea or soda! :)

Nice to have you with us.

Nichole

Welcome, Adrian!

Welcome Adrian! Always good to have another brother! I hope you can find some answers for yourself here. I know I did (and still am).

"I live in Saskatchewan, Canada, and I don't like it."

I think this sentence is awesome. Welcome to Susan's, where you can share your innermost thoughts and darkest secrets with total strangers.

Suuuup Adrian. -fistbumps- I know both a guy and girl named Adrian.

Hey hey Adrian. Welcome to Susans. ;)

Hey hey hey, everyone.  Great to see more of you show up.  Adrian's a good name like that - very androgynous.  As it's been mentioned, it's great that I can share these innermost thoughts and daaaark secrets. ;)

Had another talk with mother earlier.
It basically went like this:
"I know you want to be a man, but I don't know whether it's because you feel you really have to be, inside, or because you think it would be more fun."

"More fun?  It has nothing to do with that."

"Why do you hate women so much?"

"I really don't hate women.  I just don't feel like I am one.  Maybe it's more than just that."

"Maybe you're transsexual?"

"Maybe I am."

Ha... Well, it's progress, right? :D

Come to Ontario, we're an awesome province, especially if you're trans. The whole system in Ontario works in your favour as well.

Anyway, welcome Adrian! Hope you have a good time here.

Funny you mention that!  I was born in Toronto, Ontario. I've always felt very connected to Ontario. :)

Quote from: Vancha on March 23, 2009, 09:16:00 PM
Funny you mention that!  I was born in Toronto, Ontario. I've always felt very connected to Ontario. :)

;) That makes two of us. Maybe one day we can hang out.

Quote from: Monty on March 23, 2009, 09:24:44 PM
;) That makes two of us. Maybe one day we can hang out.

For sure!  If I'm ever in the province again.  I don't get to travel much, unfortunately.

...Something I also hate.

Hello. I'm new here too. You know, what you described about how you feel, is what I feel too. However, I've not talked to my parents about it. I've been searching around, and I know that I wanna move to Canada to live (it has always been my dream), and also, I know that I want to make the transition as soon as I turn of age in some time (not long, however). May I ask how old are you?
How long have you been planning to transition? And, I was wondering, how did you started talking to your parents about it?   

Thanks for helping me see that I'm not alone.

Hey Adrian, welcome.

I know how you feel and I'm glad your parents seem at least a bit open to it. Hope you find what you were looking for here.

Start with a therapist and go from there.