Susan's Place Transgender Resources

OK.  I know this has been covered before, but what exactly constitutes the real life test?

• I wear earrings (but so do lots of guys).
• I have a woman's haircut.  I had it dyed to cover the gray.
• I have shaped (waxed) eyebrows that I color each day with eye shadow to cover the gray.
• I've begun wearing a little mascara and a little eyeliner but sometimes don't bother.
• I have shaped fingernails and usually have on very pale polish.
• I came out to my doctor, my counselor, and my minister.
• I came out to my family and everyone I socialize with.
• I came out to my church, where I do a lot of volunteer stuff.
• I don't work, so that's not an issue.
• I came out to two of my neighbors but not the others.
• I came out to a couple of waitresses and a couple of shopkeepers in town.
• I came out to the office that handles my money so I could get checks with Katherine on them.  (They're not here yet.)
• Actually, I've started telling everyone who will listen that I am transgendered and working on becoming a woman.  (I was never a blabbermouth before – must be the hormones, or the freedom. ::))
• I have a credit card with Katherine on it that I use to order online and over the phone.  If I use it in person and they ask for ID, I whip out the identical card with my male name on it and explain that I'm transitioning to become a woman but my IDs haven't been changed yet.
• I've shopped for women's clothes in person, sometimes wearing breasts and makeup, sometimes not.  I use the women's fitting room.
• I use the ladies room sometimes but not always, depending on circumstances.
• I called motor vehicles.  They politely explained that they will need a court document to change my name and a certificate from the surgeon to change my sex marker.
• I've begun hormones, but there are no visible changes yet.
• I've begun having my facial and body hair removed (legs next), but it's a long process.
• I take my morning walk in a skirt.  (Plus jacket and boots – it's still cold here.)
• I get the morning paper off the lawn in a skirt and heels.
• I've found that I have begun touching people and waving my hands around a lot when talking.  I never did that before.  (I used to be wrapped pretty tightly.  The wrappings are coming loose. :P)
• I was clocked yesterday by a neighbor as "going through the change" even though he had no prior knowledge of that.
• I still use my male name sometimes, although I often use both, being indecisive (always been that way ;)).  I need to start asking people to use Katherine (or Kate) all the time.
• I don't want to change my name legally yet.  (One step at a time.)
• I have begun wearing only women's (or unisex) clothes.  The problem here is that this is an outdoorsy place.  Most women wear little or no makeup and dress in jeans, flannel shirts and hiking boots.  I wear the same, all cut for women, but they look a lot like what I've always worn.  I haven't worn breasts with these outfits yet (maybe tomorrow?).  I'm not sure if I appear female, very gay male, or just weird.  I still have male outfits available because my female wardrobe has gaps in it.
• I haven't worn a skirt into town during the day yet, but very few women here ever do that anyway.  (Maybe I need to do that at least once, kind of a public declaration to the town?)

Have I begun the Real Life Test?

If not, do I need to always wear breasts until I have my own?  Always wear a skirt?  Do I need to get in anyone's face who says "Sir" to me?

This is a small town, but it's big enough to have more than one grapevine - so even though I've told bunches of people, others don't necessarily know.  Most of the people I deal with day-to-day know me (at least sort of) and know I used to look different, but I also see lots of people every day that I don't recognize and don't know me.

Or am I making too big of a deal out of this?  Maybe there isn't a definitive start date?

- Kate  ???

Sounds like you're on your way!  If you're out at work, I say wear your breasts proudly!  Why wait until you can grow your own?  Be yourself!!  And it sounds like you are.

And lots of women, as you've noticed, do wear mens or mens-look clothing.  But nobody will mistake you for a man when you've got boobs!


Congrats.

Jay

This what is listed in Susans Wiki in the SOC:

https://www.susans.org/wiki/Standards_of_Care_for_Gender_Identity_Disorders#The_Real-Life_Experience (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Standards_of_Care_for_Gender_Identity_Disorders#The_Real-Life_Experience)

LR

Quote from: K8 on April 20, 2009, 09:14:26 PM
Have I begun the Real Life Test?

No. https://www.susans.org/wiki/Real_life_experience (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Real_life_experience)

As long as you keep using words like "sometimes," you have not begun RLE. Until you are Kate all the time, you are not there.

Quote from: K8 on April 20, 2009, 09:14:26 PM
• I've begun wearing a little mascara and a little eyeliner but sometimes don't bother.
• I have shaped fingernails and usually have on very pale polish.
• I came out to two of my neighbors but not the others.
• I've shopped for women's clothes in person, sometimes wearing breasts and makeup, sometimes not.  I use the women's fitting room.
• I use the ladies room sometimes but not always, depending on circumstances.
• I still use my male name sometimes, although I often use both, being indecisive (always been that way ;)).  I need to start asking people to use Katherine (or Kate) all the time.

Quote from: Lisbeth on April 20, 2009, 09:20:43 PM
No. https://www.susans.org/wiki/Real_life_experience (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Real_life_experience)

As long as you keep using words like "sometimes," you have not begun RLE. Until you are Kate all the time, you are not there.

While I agree she needs to go by Kate all the time for it to count, a lot of the things on the list you quoted really don't matter -- nails/makeup/heels/etc.  Even leg shaving is irrelevant, as I've known plenty of girls who don't bother when it's cold out since no one else will see anyway (not that that stops me from fretting about it even though no one WILL see anyway).

AFAIK the ladies room things is tricky since there can be legal issues (AKA new england current events).  But definitely should be wearing breast things except when naked.  I'm not on even on hormones yet and I've started to feel pretty awkward when I don't have mine on if they could be on (AKA when I'm not in public).

edit: oh, and you don't need to 'come out' to everyone you know, as long as they would realize it the next time they saw you... AKA you don't have to call up your aunt if the next time she saw you you were obviously presenting as Kate.

I wore breasts till mine were at a point that I was comfortable showing them.  But you are full time, to me at least, when you do not present your birth gender for any reason. 

Case in point, I had an appointment under my male name, but I went as me.  I no longer go anywhere as male.  I couldn't any more and why would I?  Now I am not even getting mail as a male.

When you get up in the morning and you are Kate, don't do or go anywhere except as Kate.  I would say you are full time.  Changing the name helps too.  That was a big step for me to full time.

If you are still working, tell them what is going to happen.  Give them a date and don't back down. 
If you are retired, then why aren't you full time now.  I think it would be easier than trying to tell work.

Whatever the therapist or shrink you're using to give you your letters for surgery say constitutes RLE. Until it's verified no one can give you a definitive start date. There is not some magical number of this and that that piles up and you are suddenly RLE.

Nichole

Well RLE is pretty much living as a woman 24/7 for at least a year,  Does not mean a skirt, or nails or earrings.  But it means there is no guy, no guy name, not guy cloths, other then that favorate shirt or jacket maybe hanging in the back of the closet.  Means always going to the ladies room,  Though it's best to have already had the name change, etc.  Changing all bank, DMV records to female, etc, etc. 

That does not mean passing as a woman 24/7 but only behaving / being the woman inside.  There is actually lots to learn and just as much to unlearn when going thru the RLE

for me I worked into 24/7 slowly.  Your just about 24/7 but as long as your using the guy name "sometimes", IE not "Out" all the time then it's not 24/7 RLE, At least according to my therapist.

Beni

It means living as a woman. Period.
Not sometimes or even most of the time, real women are just women. That is how you need to live.

I considered my RLE to begin from the day I transitioned at work, the first day that I went to work in a skirt. I did that immediately as soon as I received my name change court order.

So for me the legal name change is the threshold. It's the demarcation of serious commitment to living as a woman, and entails changing the name on all ID and accounts and everything, and never going back, living 100% as a woman from then on. Going to your job in a skirt is also a pretty strong demarcation, when combined with the legal name change. Although clothing alone won't do it. Making substantial and permanent changes in your public identity does it. Since you don't have a job, your legal name change becomes even more crucial to demarcating your new identity.

Fortunately I live in the Washington DC area where it's normal for women to wear skirts.

This is a huge problem IMO because it is so subjective.  I mean... I don't leave my house as anything but me anymore but that doesn't mean I'm always dressing really fem or putting on makeup either.  I do if I'm going somewhere important or something, but not to run to the store.  Everyone close to me (family and friends) all know and accept and support me.  I'm not working at the moment but I'm only interviewing as me from now on.  I will be applying for my official name change soon.  I think that's pretty close to being FT if it isn't already.

When you've burned your bridges, that's definitely full-time and RLE.

Maybe it's RLE when you do less than that too, I don't know.

I date my "RLE" from the single day that I got my court-ordered name change, changed all my papers in Human Resources at work, changed my SS card, credit cards and bank account, library card and sent off a name change for my passport.

Thanks for all your replies.  You are right, I think - all of you.  I just needed help to make the next steps.

I have already started to ask people to call me Katherine.  I'll try to start proceedings for the legal change today. 

And I'll start wearing breasts all the time.

I still don't think I pass.  I still think I'm just me (whatever that is).  But it is time to forge on.  Although this has happened amazingly fast, I have been tentative at each step.  But I know this is now something I must do regardless of the consequences, and so I will.  Now that I've had a few glimpses of real happiness, I wouldn't be able to live myself if I went back.  I was just a bit scared.  :P

Thank you again for your kindness and guidance.

- Kate

Kate:

Just about everyone has told you what you already know.

But the bottom line really isn't what goes on outside, but what goes on *inside*.

When can you say to yourself "The guy is dead.  And he will no longer return.", your RLE will have started.  Everything else is just paperwork.

You'll no longer allow "him" to take on the world or to fight your battles.  You, in all your glory, will stand up for yourself proudly everywhere.

-Sandy(and how about a picture for your avatar?)

Sandy-- that's such a great way to put it.  :eusa_clap:

K8, are you sure that your state's DMV requires a SURGEON'S letter for the gender marker change? My state has tightened up its regulations in the last few years (for example, my DMV will no longer accept a therapist's statement), but only requires approval from an MD--in my case, my endo will be filling out the DMV paperwork for my gender marker change.

I'm assuming that you haven't had any surgeries yet. Anyway, it could make it a lot easier for you if you only need an endo's approval. When you do feel like changing your gender marker, that is.

Arch: That's what the DMV said.  I can call again, but this is a pretty conservative state.  I know another gal in the state.  I'll write her.

Thanks, Sandy.  Very well put.

This was day one of Katherine (AKA Kate).  I got four emails regarding various volunteer business.  I replied to each one and added that I'm going by Katherine now.

I called and started paperwork to legally change my name to Katherine.

I went to the coffee shop in the morning.  (I usually don't, but I wanted to get started.)  I sat in the car fluffing my hair a while.  Opening the shop door was a little difficult, but within a few minutes everything was just fine.  It always feels so right to have breasts.  (You mean I get to have them all the time? ;D)  The cute Aussie guy who takes the orders looked me in the eye and said: So a latte this morning, right?  He was very good, not blank but not showing emotion.

For lunch I went to a Mexican restaurant where I know all the staff.  Again, I wanted to break through.  They treated me the same as they always do, including calling me señor and amigo.  I let it go - this is only day one.

I stopped in a small clothing store where I know the owner.  I told her this was day one and she had all sorts of questions and encouragement.  I didn't find anything there so I went by Salvation Army and found a nice women's winter coat for $20.  The clerk was professional and that's all.  (Either no social skills or ?)

Since we're getting a break in the weather, I took my motorcycle on the highway up the hill.  It was freeing and settled my nerves.  Some of my riding gear is very male, so it'll have to go, but some is unisex (meaning male but they expect women to wear it too).  I'll have to get some women's gear if I can find it, but it is very expensive.  That's not real high on my priority list right now since I just expect to ride short bursts now and then.  I'll start riding for real again when things settle down.

I had a session with my counselor - a wonderful session.  She said passing is really more internal than external.  I think I know what she means.  (Kind of what you were saying, Sandy.)

Then I went back to the coffee shop.  (I know, I know. :P)  Another crew was on duty.  They were business-like but the guy avoided eye contact and was clearly uncomfortable.  The girl was brisk and friendly but not as friendly.

Then I came home and started purging my closet and dresser drawers.  It was surprisingly melancholy, packing up my old life.  But it was also hopeful because I'm finally starting my life as Kate.  Most of the crossdressing clothes aren't useful to me as a fulltime woman, but I already have a surprising amount of women's clothes that I would wear as a man - I liked them because they seemed to fit better.  Still the closet is a lot emptier than it was.

This was day one of Katherine on the outside.  I'm not sure I've gotten to day one of Katherine on the inside, but this a step toward that goal.

Again, thank you all for your guidance and support.  I think I'll have a glass of wine and rest up for tomorrow.

- Kate

(I'll get some pictures of myself tonight.  Thanks for the suggestion to record where I am at this point.  I'll post one soon if you promise not to laugh.  ;D)

We never laugh Kate.

And is it so freeing to "throw his butt" to the curb.  I never kept anything of his but a cool slik jacet and two tees I like really well.  But they are all mine now.  >:-)

Janet

OMG!  I'm surprised anyone was nice to me.  Here I am at the end of long day:

[Took the photo out.  I can't stand it.  I'm determined to keep going, but - seriously - this made a huge dent in my optimisim.  :(]

Now I really need a drink.  I think day two is going to have to wait a week or so.  :(

-Kate

QuoteI think day two is going to have to wait a week or so.

Why?  Each day becomes the next and the next, and soon it will be a week.  Then the weeks become months and months become year.  And you look back and say "Why was I so nervous and scared".

Tomorrow the mall maybe?

Janet

Hi Kate,  Nope No laughing.... We have all been there and it's always a learning experence.  I kept one motorcycle jacket, but the big black tourmaster (loved that jacket... One was very guy and two no longer fit across the shoulders.  I can recommend "New Enough" for on line motorcycle apparel.

BTW Janet... GREAT avatar.  Looking Good Girl!!!!

Beni

Thanks Beni.  I look at the screen and saw myself and that was when I just started smiling because I loved my hair.  And CLICK new avatar.

Janet

So, am I to understand correctly that I am already in my RLE?

I work part time as Valerie,
I go to College as Valerie.
I volunteer on an ambulance as Valerie.
I've changed my name to Valerie.
Everybody knows me as Valerie.

So, according to that I am in RLE.

Just about all of my documents are changed (I'm just waiting for a couple documents to go through that are taking forever).

I guess I expected there to be more to it.

Hi Valerie,
Sounds to me like you've started, but I'm new to this, too, so what do I know?  ???

I'm starting my seventh day this morning.  My demarcation point was when I decided to wear women's clothes all the time and to correct anyone who uses my male name.  Perhaps what constitutes the start date is different for each of us, since the change is really an internal shift with various external markers.

I got an email this morning from a young woman I am very fond of.  She mentioned (as have others) how this is such a big change.  I realize it is a big change, but somehow, on some level, it really isn't a change for me.  It is more like growth.  And growth is a gradual transformation.  When does a seedling become a plant?

Cheers,
Kate

Quote from: Valerie Elizabeth on April 26, 2009, 10:48:05 PM
So, am I to understand correctly that I am already in my RLE?

I work part time as Valerie,
I go to College as Valerie.
I volunteer on an ambulance as Valerie.
I've changed my name to Valerie.
Everybody knows me as Valerie.

So, according to that I am in RLE.

Just about all of my documents are changed (I'm just waiting for a couple documents to go through that are taking forever).

I guess I expected there to be more to it.

Yes, Val, by definition of the HBSOC/WPATH code, by working/living/going to school in your chosen gender and changing your legal name to a feminized name constitutes the start of your RLE.

And actually I prefer to use the term Real Life Experience rather than RLT.  To me, and others, it isn't really a "test" as in trying to prove you are "Trans enough".  It is the gaining the experience necessary to continue to live your life in the way you have chosen.  And to have made the statement that "From this point on, I chose to live my life as I truly am!"

Congratulations!

Kate:
You too sound like you have made the internal decision to live as you truly are.  Congratulations!

The formal definition will depend on such things as when you have legally changed your name or started working/living full-time.  Though, truly as you said, it is an internal change as well.

It is a growth issue.  And you will grow quite a bit.  When you feel the sun on your face, I would think that you are no longer a seedling...

You'll know.

-Sandy

Quote from: Sandy on April 27, 2009, 09:35:12 AMAnd actually I prefer to use the term Real Life Experience rather than RLT.  To me, and others, it isn't really a "test" as in trying to prove you are "Trans enough".

I know that's the politically correct version nowadays, and I've always gone along with it too. But thinking it over-- actually it is a test. It's a test of whether this whole project is going to work. To find out whether it's feasible to go ahead with it permanently. Like the technological equivalent known as a "beta test," a trial run. Implicit in this is the possibility that it might not turn out to be feasible and one can back out before permanently committing oneself.

rle = ft (not sometimes, not every rainy wednesday, but ft)