Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi, decided to write this, in case someone knew anything about this or had some answers. If it is in my head, or something else.

I doubt I am intersexed. But the idea keeps popping up in my head. Maybe especially something with hormone levels-well. It does not seem right.
Some stuff
-6,1 and 165, 31, old, I always though that my body looks like the photo model bodies-skinny and little definition, not in a good way. Some have said it looks similar to a undeveloped teenage girls. Except bigger.
-slim waist, not breasts, but some, can massage, below direct on the rib, on the breast, 2-3cm of soft tissue. A little wider shoulders then hips.
-The only thing i've noticed of puberty was that my nipples was swollen up for a few weeks, and returned to normal again. And I started growing beard from 25. Now I am 31, still patches where it does not cover on my cheeks. It looks horrible on me, people say so as well. I hate the beard, to say it mildly. That is it, not noticed anything else.
-My emotional register seems to me similar to most females i've known.
-Male characteristic. Ballistic judgment, shooting and detachment. I've found I am very good at detaching myself from most things.
-Identify mostly with females. Sometimes with men if things are like really extreme, non realistic. But books, movies, IRL it is almost always the female character, that I am trough the story. Sometimes androgynous male, if the are part. Mostly my feeling of self is low.
-I like girly clothes, don't dislike mens clothes. But think they are awfully boring and fits badly.
-I have ejaculation, normally about a half of the smallest spoon you have in the kitchen, tee spoon. That started when I was around 16, a tiny bit, at 20, a bit more. A few times, 2 I think, it had enough velocity to leave the penis, but generally it just comes slowly.
-Testicles are small, penis also when not erected. Only with tight skirt I need to use a tight underwear. Penis is normal, about 14cm, kinda thin. Did not feel much friction when I tried it on woman. Even getting it up was not all that easy-but my investment in reading fantasy paid off. Normally it goes up easy if I imagine things, and can do multiple-just keep going you can say :embarrassed:
-Never had any health problems, in fact the body requires very little maintenance. Dont pay it any attention at all, just brush the teeth. And I can eat whatever, it stays the same, exact same weight now as 15. Looks the same also. Hair on arms is low and thin, there is some on the chest now, here and there and around the nipples. And all over the legs, but thin. I shave it of now and then since I so strongly dislike it.
-I sleep alot, sometimes 15  hours, awake 3, then sleep 10 more, and very irregular and then up for 2 days.
-Very low energy levels, always had. But when I first get started, I can find some motivation. But most everything is tiresome. I eat high energy food, like lots of chocolate. Pasta and so on, and meat. These things help.
-Total insensitive to alcohol, no idea if i'm drunk or not, generally. I do if I am alone, but not among people, I loose all connection with my body and sensations.
-Tried weed several time, don't notice any effect. Seems to not work.
-Energy drinks, like water. No difference I can notice.
-And I am at least transgendered, probably transsexual.
-And dont ever get angry, just sometimes frustrated.


So I wonder what you think. Are these things normal? I am a rational person, or at least I like to think so, and other think so. So I find this gender problem i've had as long as I can remember to be very weird. In fact I dont really care much about anything. So I just dont understand why I'm affected with this, that I think I am a woman. It's always been like this. Now it's like I dont go out anymore, because I've gotten so embarrassed by the beard, and general looks. I feel like a total freak. But I think other people see me as mostly normal, maybe just weird, something they cant put their finger on.

It's not that I want to be a woman, but I think I am one, just like ->-bleeped-<-ed up. I dont know, it is strange. Maybe some of you can make some sense out of this. I can post pics if you need for evaluation, just send pm or something.

Hi Lisa,

It sounds like you are working through gender issues in addition to questioning if you are intersexed.  I went through a lot of that early in transition.  I made a personal decision not to pursue the question of whether I had an intersex condition until after I worked through my gender issues.  Ultimately the state of your body has little to do with the person you feel you are.

Part of the reason I made that choice was there are a great many documented cases of transpeople who insisted they were intersex.  And much of the time that turns out not to be the case.  In my own mind my central question was "Who Am I?"  I kept seeking out distractions and avoiding that question - often choosing paths of disappointment which merely delayed me further.  I felt like if I pursued this and I found I did not have an intersex condition it would set me back again.  So I backed off of it and focused on the question of "Who I am".

Eventually I resolved that question - I felt like I always lived between genders and I needed to continue doing so, just closer to female than the male I was.  And when I began to actually to action to make my life congruent with who I was, I also came to discover that my initial thoughts were correct.  I do have a mild intersex condition.  It didn't affect my decisions in the least nor would it have.

Like me you don't display any of the more obvious signs: surgery scars, a vaginal opening or partially formed organs.  If you do have an intersex condition, it's likely mild.  That was my experience with what you appear to be grappling with -- I don't know if that helps or not.

Lisa, those are normal things and feelings a for a TS girl.

And I agree with phoenix. Thanks to this site I find out what gender was and how to deal with it (with help of my therapist) and to realize what my gender is.

Intersex issues can be many, and a lot of persons dont discover they are IS until later in life (when its not the most obvious cases) But what being intersex is NOT its being a validation for your gender issues.


Lets say you meet someone who IS and that person's gender its female. What if with that person's was male? He or she would still have the same IS issues. Knowing who you are its (I believe) more important to know what you are.

I appreciate this, it,s the information i'm looking for, and i've been thinking some more of this post the last days. I was about to delete it.

I think I have moments when I think like this is because I am really a coward, and just looking for a justification to give to others, no matter how weak it is. And I feel like a betrayer to the TS community. So it is mostly selfish, like finding a small stick to hold on to in a wild river.
i'm in the middle of the river with that tiny stick, and i guess i keep holding on to it, oblivious to the people on the land trying to throw a rope.

I might have found out some of my weird habits today though. I had access to this aperture that measures blood sugar. So I stuck the needle trough the finger and put a drop of blood in the machine. And the result came out high. 10.8, the normal should be 3-5. Eeek, so maybe I have diabetes, 11.1 was diabetes(or risk for it). But 10 mins after, I'd mostly forgotten about it The way I see it is the prize I've paid, since sweets make me forget things. So it's a fair trade. Besides that makes me just sweet does it not, even on the inside?

I do care about my skin, I've always been careful, sun protection, use different products every night. Like everything I can to make up for the hideous stuff that runs rampant on the inside-don't want to think about the inside at all. Thats always why I eat chocolate and soya and these things, because it is estrogen in them. lol-guess im not the smartest person around.

Maybe my biggest problem is a lack of belief. I am envious of all those people who finds them self, TS, hetero, gay whatever. That does not matter at all, if you can just stop thinking about your self. Like connecting with your distant star in the sky. And focus your energy outwards.

Quote from: lisa_a on April 28, 2009, 03:14:38 PM
I think I have moments when I think like this is because I am really a coward, and just looking for a justification to give to others, no matter how weak it is. And I feel like a betrayer to the TS community. So it is mostly selfish, like finding a small stick to hold on to in a wild river.
i'm in the middle of the river with that tiny stick, and i guess i keep holding on to it, oblivious to the people on the land trying to throw a rope.

Believe me when I say, I had those very thoughts.  There MIGHT be validity to your feelings about possibly having an intersex condition and in time you might learn the answer yes or no.  Wanting to explore or understand them doesn't make you a bad person at all.  But if you let those concerns cloud the underlying issue you seem to be struggling with, in your case apparently gender, will make it harder for you to work through those issues.

Quote from: pheonix on April 28, 2009, 04:03:00 PM
Believe me when I say, I had those very thoughts.  There MIGHT be validity to your feelings about possibly having an intersex condition and in time you might learn the answer yes or no.  Wanting to explore or understand them doesn't make you a bad person at all.  But if you let those concerns cloud the underlying issue you seem to be struggling with, in your case apparently gender, will make it harder for you to work through those issues.

I also believe that all transgendered is intersexed, so this will not matter much one way or the other. With different brain wiring, more similar to the woman then to the man. This is what I think of my brain-or gender-and this is constant, not something that changes. I know I identify with woman-but not why for certain. I guess one way to find out is to try estrogen and see the effects. I suspect a man gendered brain will not react all that well to this.