Susan's Place Transgender Resources

For those unfamiliar with the term, "stealth" is when a transgendered person lives their life passing totally as their chosen gender. "Stealth" means that they maintain that their current gender is their birth gender.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would come to a point in my transition where I had the option of living stealth. I've always thought my voice is too deep, or I just simply wasn't pretty enough to slide under the radar. As time has gone on, I've found myself blending into society. I'm no longer "Kelli the trans-girl." I'm just... Kelli. At the grocery store, I don't get odd looks anymore. If anything, I've noticed all too many men gawking at me. I've taken that as my welcome to womanhood (now I know what all my genetic female friends have been complaining about).

Anyone that's close to me knows of my past. Anyone that I "allow in my bubble" knows who I was born as. For me (and I'm sure this will change as time goes on), I wouldn't be able to let someone close to me who had no idea. For the most part, my fears of transitioning are a thing of the past. However, there are still moments where I need to get something off my chest and it somehow ties into the fact that I'm trans.

Stealth is a blessing and a curse. I live in a house with 8 other women. Two of those women know that I'm a pre-operative trans-woman. The other 6 accept me as they see me. They don't question for a second that "something about Kelli seems different." I know this because I've asked the 2 that know if there have been any whispers. It's a great feeling to be able to be accepted as I am, without a pre-tense or a hesitation. It's great to not have to deal with being looked at differently. Simply put, I'm just an average girl. Which is REALLY cool. I've waited a very long time to have that. Ergo, this is the blessing.

The curse, however, is that I have to worry if my "leftover bits" are tucked well. I have to worry about the content I'm looking at on the internet when certain people pass through the room. I have to worry about quickly closing certain websites when my roommates come talk to me when I'm doing stuff on my laptop. I end up fearing discovery; of being outed.

As I say a lot, life is painfully balanced. There is equal blessing in being stealth as there is an equal curse. A double edged sword, to be cliché.

All in all, at the end of the day, I'm grateful. I've waited a very long time to be the girl, the woman, the sister that I am. I know many girls who would give their limbs to have the ability to be stealth. Just know that transition is a game of "Let's Make a Deal." If you get one good ability, it comes with downfalls and headaches.

Finally at long last, I have one aspect of my life that I've yearned for. The awkwardness, the fear of being real has faded into the past. Now it's on to deal with the rest of my life. 

Good going Kelli. I'm happy for you, it must bo so lovely to be accepted and seen as nothing other than female.

Even roomates? Thats cool.

At somepoint in time I'm a gonna have to have a long talk in private with family and friends regarding "stealth."

I understand what you mean when you said, "before someone gets close to me." Well at least I think I do. I'm of the opinion that a girl should have a well grounded sense of ethics.

I cant wait to discover all the various "double edged swords" and overall ironies of transition.

Best of luck in your continuing journey.

Mich'

Woodworking its good isnt it?

Quote from: Matilda on May 04, 2009, 08:19:05 PM
Ahhh...a term from the past! I didn't know it was still going around.  I dislike the term "stealth" by the way, for it implies that we're "hiding" something.  I prefer to say I have assimilated/blended quite well in society as my true gender for many years now.  Aside from my doctors, family, and BF, no one knows about my medical history.  First rule of woodworking, do not use your picture in your avatar, and never, ever share personal information (such as real name  -use an alias instead- ;), address, phone number) on the net.  Congratulations!


(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi572.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fss161%2Fmatilda23%2F061.gif&hash=8f2301193b0dc73bb2e3c64f938f2048ea1a0591)

Ah.. another woman who does not use the word 'passing' or 'stealth'.  I also ' blend in' to society,  some know of my trans past, and I am not ashamed of it ether.  If asked, I educate.  But I don't go around telling the world that I am pre-op.  And I like my look so it is my avatar.

Kelli,
Good for you and your roommates.  It is a joy when you are taken for who you are.  Just another girl, trying to make it on her own.

Janet

I agree with Janet.
I like me and am proud.

In my profession I will ALWAYS be the TG Prof. When I come out full time. There is no way for woodworking ( like that expression). I don't like stealth, reminds me of those horrible planes/aircraft >:(

But each to our own.
Kellie Honey keep that mouse finger busy. Our "I've got a TG friend who needs advice and I'm helping him out. Such a sweety." Then of course they will all want to help. Might become a soap opera.
Mmm That's an idea,  TV show  :laugh:
Cindy James   

i am just me "you get what you get" but i under stand the stealth thing we talk about it in group i think most will try it but for me i love my past it made me  """ ME"""

When I set things right oh so many years ago, it was expected that everyone disappeared into the woodwork and most everyone did (except the unfortunate few who were outted by the media). After a time "the past" becomes so far past as to be irrelevant in most circumstances, excluding doctors and maybe intimate partners (depending on your particular moral views). It is a good life, a normal, humdrum everyday life ..... but that was the goal in the first place.

I would imagine that it would be hard to go 100% stealth unless you are post-op and have basically ex-communicated everyone who could know about you out of your life (parents, friends, employers, etc.)

Chrissi

Depends on what year you transitioned & how old you were when you did it, your GRS status & what they've got on you.  If you transition late in life & already had a life set as a man before transition & GRS (e.g. marriage, children, property, credit references, employment background, public records) keeping your past to yourself is almost impossible. But not everybody had all those goodies before transition & those are the peeps for whom stealth can work. Foreign countries also have different standards on privacy laws & the like so even if those governments know you changed your name & sex, that info's kept confidential & isn't available to the public. 

I'm happy for you Kelli. You look really feminine in your picture. I like to think I could be stealth at work and to my roommates if I wasn't unemployed and didn't live with my mother.  :(

Quote from: ilikepotatoes on May 14, 2009, 06:09:16 PM
I'm happy for you Kelli. You look really feminine in your picture.

Yes!  totally!  I am jealous

Quote from: Feever on May 14, 2009, 07:20:52 PM
Yes!  totally!  I am jealous envious

Fixeded!  :D

I could be stealth. I don't know. I don't run into any problems and not everyone knows, except friends. I don't always believe in myself, however. LOL I suppose it could be an option. I don't know. I don't really advertise being trans, and it really doesn't come up in conversations anymore unless I'm talking to other trans ppl. It's nice that people see me for who I am. On the other hand, I can also be pretty open... it really depends on the person, I guess.

I don't know. I don't seem to worry about stealth vs not being stealth as much these days. Although, since I've been at some recent trans-activists things here in Alberta, and being in the background on TV, maybe I outted myself (not so concerned abt that). LOL Although, at one of the lasts protests a few ppl were wondering if I was trans or an ally. *shrugs* and someone I've been friends with a year just found out I was trans (she's cool with it, but couldn't believe I didn't mention it before).

I don't know, I just don't think about it and let the chips fall where they fall... I just let people get to know me for who I am as a person and not worry abt the rest. 

Interesting topic, anyway. Thnx for opening it up. :)

--natalie

I'm early in my transition, so perhaps my opinion doesn't count since it'll probably change over time.

I'm transitioning in a smallish town, so at least half the town knows what I'm doing.  (Which means the other half will know sooner or later. ;D)  When I go to a neighboring town, people seem to assume I'm a woman.  But living in this town, I had to adopt an attitude of just not giving a d**** whether someone else sees me as a woman or as a man pretending to be a woman.  I think most in town now realize I am transitioning rather than just pretending.  I love finally being open and honest, so I don't know that I'll want to try to hide anything in the future.  But as time passes, the fact that I used to present male to the world will be less important to those around me.

Quote from: Matilda on May 14, 2009, 07:53:13 PM
The best thing any of you can do is to pinpoint exactly what kind of information there is about your past floating around and then tie up the loose ends if you can.  if you are not fortunate enough to know someone who has access to information not everyone has ;), hire a private investigator and ask him/her to find out anything he/she can about you.  Yes it costs money, but consider it a transition investment like surgery, hair removal, speech therapy, etc  That way you will not be lost in a limbo every time you apply for a new job or when someone becomes so obsessed with you that he/she needs to investigate you.
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I think this is good advice.  Informing yourself will help prevent you from being blindsided.  At some point the fact that you transitioned should no longer be relevant to who you are, but it's nice to know what's out there.

- Kate

Quote from: Matilda on May 14, 2009, 07:53:13 PMThe best thing any of you can do is to pinpoint exactly what kind of information there is about your past floating around and then tie up the loose ends if you can.

I'm skeptical. What exactly do you mean by "tie up any loose ends"? What recourse do you have when your information is under the control of someone else and they're under no legal obligation to revise your history (and in some cases have a legal obligation not to revise your history)? How is your suggestion feasible in the real world?

I got all those loose ends tied up as soon as I transitioned-- to the fullest extent possible. Unfortunately, that isn't nearly enough.

I have been 9 years full time and 4 years post-op, moved half way across the continent. The only people who know about my past history of having been transsexual are the folks that my partner and I work with at the Vancouver Trans support group.

Everyone else my partner and I associate or socialize with don't know us for anyone else except who we present as.
Northern Jane

Quote"the past" becomes so far past as to be irrelevant in most circumstances, excluding doctors and maybe intimate partners (depending on your particular moral views). It is a good life

Quite agree.

Cindy