Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Virginity Fetish: How Our Obsession With "Sexual Purity" Hurts Women
By Jessica Valenti, Seal Press. Posted May 4, 2009.

http://www.alternet.org/sex/139492/virginity_fetish%3A_how_our_obsession_with_%22sexual_purity%22_hurts_women/ (http://www.alternet.org/sex/139492/virginity_fetish%3A_how_our_obsession_with_%22sexual_purity%22_hurts_women/)
Editor's Note: The following is an excerpt from The Purity Myth: How America's Obsession with Virginity Is Hurting Young Women by Jessica Valenti, published by Seal Press, 2009.


There is a moral panic in America over young women's sexuality -- and it's entirely misplaced. Girls "going wild" aren't damaging a generation of women, the myth of sexual purity is. The lie of virginity -- the idea that such a thing even exists -- is ensuring that young women's perception of themselves is inextricable from their bodies, and that their ability to be moral actors is absolutely dependent on their sexuality. It's time to teach our daughters that their ability to be good people depends on their being good people, not on whether or not they're sexually active.

But Nichole, teenagers we're not sexually active until six months ago were they?  Why without the net, or sexting phone messages or photos they would all still be virgins right?

Hmmm, I thought lost virginity began with automobiles to tell the truth. Wasn't Henry Ford and before him Karl Benz actually responsible for the lost virginity of American women? :)

I like what she was saying about this weird obsession with virginity, and for sure it's a one way street, as I don't see any purity balls were young men are pledging their virginity to their moms.  And I find the entire purity ball concept to be, well, a little weird.  But then again, the old joke goes: "Why wasn't Jesus born in California?  They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin."

Teenagers with their raging hormones have NEVER been "pure", not the boys and Not the girls!

If teens do not learn self control when will they?  There is more to life than physical urges.

If teens don't learn to embrace "all" of who they are, including their sexual sides, then when will they? Self control is all fine and dandy, but self acceptance and love for one self is more important.
You can't feel "alive" if you live up to someone else's standards but your own.

Quote from: Nichole on May 04, 2009, 11:10:42 AM
Hmmm, I thought lost virginity began with automobiles to tell the truth. Wasn't Henry Ford and before him Karl Benz actually responsible for the lost virginity of American women? :)

And before that, probably boats and horse drawn carriages.
Oh wait, we have to get rid of trees and caves too. Anyplace they can hide is a risk.

Chain them up in basements and board the windows closed, it's the only safe way.

Quote from: Miniar on May 04, 2009, 02:20:20 PM
If teens don't learn to embrace "all" of who they are, including their sexual sides, then when will they? Self control is all fine and dandy, but self acceptance and love for one self is more important.
You can't feel "alive" if you live up to someone else's standards but your own.

Children do not have the responsibilities because they are learning and making mistakes. The parents are the safety net. Learning is a slow process and each new freedom comes with plenty of new responsibilities. When the teen can support a family then they can have sex.

Here is an idea, TEACH them responsibility.

You cannot legislate it, you cannot force it, you have to teach it to them. Instead of plopping a child down in front of a TV to see crotch shots of Paris or Brittany's pregnant sister or Palin's pregnant daughter, how about teaching them right from wrong and to value themselves as something other than a whore.

QuoteHere is an idea, TEACH them responsibility.

Yes you can teach, but if there is no motivation just knowing, as knowing and doing are two different things. Being responsible requires one to control their actions not just be knowledgeable of them.

I think I made a post recently to the effect that society floods culture (to kids and adults alike) with messages regarding sexuality, including both messages to enjoy it and messages to control it, but both point towards obsessing over it.  The mere flood of messages (in both directions) make sex a matter that kids (and adults) more regularly think about, and this contradictory nature probably makes something like sexuality a jarring issue for kids (and adults), tending to make them vulnerable.  A few points:

1) Sexual behavior by kids is nothing new.  Sex probably happens more outside of marriage now, but one must also give consideration to the fact that many people do not adhere to this particular institution (whether by choice or by the law), that people who do marry tend to do so later, and that many people do not see a moral reason to abstain outside of marriage (again, if the institution is even in their plans).  Some of them lead to very reasonable circumstances for sex to happen outside of marriage, but traditional moralists tend to not recognize this idea.  Also, people tend to not stay in abusive marriages as often or as long now, particularly since women tend to have greater autonomy.

2) Boys (11%, I think) and girls (17%, I think) alike do not tend to be virgins if/when they marry, so certainly the idea of virginity is the exception rather than the rule.

3) The messages of sexuality tend to fairly polarized.  Sources that advocate abstaining from sex also tend to advocate abstaining from masturbation, much less approving it.  Those sources also tend to be hush-hush about safer sex practices (condoms, other contraception, alternative sex acts), which means that if abstinence doesn't hold up (and it's at most slightly more likely to), then the sex will tend to be significantly riskier than under other circumstances.

4) As mentioned in the article, the burden for sex and virginity is placed on the women.  As mentioned earlier in the topic, there aren't many purity balls for mothers and sons.

5) Discussion of sexuality tend to rely on emotional arguments rather than objective, verifiable information.  Whether it's the purity police (whose belief system often rests on an intangible "God" and who seek to hold power over people) or the mainstream entertainment industry (who care ultimately about profit), they tend to cite scientific sources only when it suits their cause, and they tend to present their results in misleading ways (such as assuming causality when only a correlation is shown).

Responsible sexual behavior requires an acknowledgement that sexuality, like with countless other activities, is best excercised with discretion backed up by self-efficacy.  One should identify a risk level they fully understand and can be comfortable with, and exercising their sexuality in ways that meet the necessary prerequisites of all parties involved and respects the right of consent at all times.  There is still a place for virginity until a relationship achives a certain advanced level of commitment (I'm a 28 YO virgin myself), but the idea isn't to stake one's entire identity to it.  One's choices, even sexual ones, should arise from their identity and values; it's not the other way around (even for, duh, women).

It can be as simple as basic playground rules, but some people's lack of imagination leaves them in the 19th century.

Quote from: Kaelin on May 04, 2009, 11:10:59 PM
4) As mentioned in the article, the burden for sex and virginity is placed on the women.  As mentioned earlier in the topic, there aren't many purity balls for mothers and sons.

In some cultures it is expected for the boys not to wait.

In other cultures the boys lose their virginity with the mother and/or fathers help while the girls are taught to wait.

In other cultures the boys lose their virginity with the mother

That's so cool.  You lost your virginity with your mother, and so did I.

Nice, Tekla, nice.

The purity myth is what creeps me out about the whole Twilight phenomenon.

Quote from: Alyssa M. on May 05, 2009, 09:41:21 PM
Nice, Tekla, nice.

The purity myth is what creeps me out about the whole Twilight phenomenon.

Why are there virgins in it? *runs to blockbuster*  :laugh:

Quote from: tekla on May 05, 2009, 09:14:17 PM
In other cultures the boys lose their virginity with the mother

:P

I didn't say lose it to them you sick...  :-*

Quote from: Leslie Ann on May 06, 2009, 02:40:25 AM
:P

I didn't say lose it to them you sick...  :-*

Never underestimate Kat's ability to wrangle your words into a shape that makes them funny and somewhat suggestive of things better left unsuggested! :laugh:

Nichole

Quote from: Nichole on May 06, 2009, 12:57:10 PM
Never underestimate Kat's ability to wrangle your words into a shape that makes them funny and somewhat suggestive of things better left unsuggested! :laugh:

Nichole

I never do, and I love seeing it happen.

Love you Tekla.  ;D