Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Wondering if this has happened to anyone else... Ive had many challenges and tough decisions in the past and Ive always managed to work my way through to the end. Things like divorce, raising a son as a single parent, running a business, etc. Ive been overwhelmed in the past, but I cant remember it being quite as intense as this episode..

It was a good week last week, and Ive been making forward progress. I spoke to my son on Friday on the phone. Those conversations, if they occur at all, last like maybe 60 seconds or less (he is 14 and has stopped seeing me now for the last year -- before that I was very much apart of his life). Basically "Im fine, gotta go now". <click>

I was walking home Friday night and I was hit by what I guess might be described as a panic attack. Suddenly the enormity of what lay ahead felt so overwhelming and I felt paralyzed. It didnt last very long, but happened again on Sunday. I can correlate this to facing those that are close that I havent told yet, namely my son and my family. I think the trigger was my talking (if you can call it that) with my son and seeing family over the weekend.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted since I decided on this path, so I would imagine that sense of peace being threatened by anxiety is a factor as well.

I talked to my therapist about this, he said its normal and in fact would be worried if I seemed unaffected by what lies ahead. Still, its Monday and Im still bothered by what happened. Rationally this should be no big deal, a hiccup... but emotionally I think its tied to still facing the others. I have seen some post that they dont care what others think... not judging that, maybe just a little envious of that kind of confidence...

Have any of you felt that way? How did you handle it?

You are not alone.  You handle it one day at a time.

Sarah L.

How did you handle it?=Lexapro.

Its the same as walking up a hill. One step at a time. You can stop and look around as you go. There is no hurry, the views as you climb, make all the steps to come just that lil bit easier. Each step is its own, just as each new experience is its own.

Hey, Stacy,

Perhaps there are those of us who don't care much anymore. But, speaking for me, there was a time.

My children haven't been a problem in that regard at all. My sister has been a bit more problematic: she won't talk to me on the phone anymore "because you sound like a woman, not my brother." So we email and "talk" on Facebook. The rest of "family" maintain their fundamentalist religious approach to all lives :) theirs and everyone elses' so why bother?

Most of my immediate and formerly close family (mom, dad, uncles and aunts) are dead.

Anyhow, point is that after awhile this sort of panic and anxiety do tend to disappear. You will become more confident and people who don't know your history will very likely never question that you've "always been registered female." That's not true of everyone, but it can be for some, perhaps many. Judging by your avatar I'd guess that you won't have huge problems in that regard and maybe none at all.

I have one very good friend who lives in Cali who spent a bundle with Dr. O on facial surgery but has done like no voice work at all and doesn't have the grandest "female-voice" and yet, out in public with her, I've never had the notion that anyone at all ever imagines she was once listed as male.

It takes time and the better you realize that for most people it's a non-issue the better you'll feel and the more confident you'll be and you'll see that not only does practically no one care, no one even imagines.

Like Sarah said, "one day at a time." You'll get there and it'll be sooner than you can imagine. As Mister told Min in another thread today though, the insistence of family to maintain the "you" they've wanted you to be will be a very hard row to hoe. But, even at that, you may find that it's not as difficult over time as you imagine now. Most things aren't. Well, absent being eaten alive by a shark or a tiger! :)

I think I should clarify somewhat...

Ive had no trouble passing when out in public. Ive have no problem with new friends Ive made, or in telling people who have no preconceived notions of my past. I have no trouble interacting with strangers. It all just feels right...

Ive been procrastinating (dreading?) coming out to those in the close circle of friends and family I grew up with. I am already familiar with the religous dogma and the preconceived notions of everything from gender to marriage to life, as this was the way I grew up. It took me years to break free of the chains, and much of this cant be pinned on religion alone. Im caught between "knowing" what to expect and not giving the the chance... the whole notion of "hope for the best but prepare for the worst" is easy on paper, difficult in practice...

I wish you could see how far Ive come in the last few years. Ive had to tackle self image and self acceptance on top of other demons Ive had to come face to face with. And yes, I know you've all been there -- wouldnt make much sense to seek out support from those that havent been under fire. It wasnt even until this year that I finally realized this was even possible.

I suppose thats the real kick in the head. I have read other posts, and with some, even though not on this forum, watched them succeed. Intellectually I know all of this... I also know its not the actual outcome, its the sense of not being in control.

So Ive ammased all of this knowlegde and struggled for years to get here... why cant I then make my emotions match what I logically know to be true? Im betting that after the fact I will look back on this go "what the hell was I worried about?". But till then...

Geez, and I thought I was the only Rock of Gibraltar that felt my foundation tremor.

When I was going through losing my family, friends and job I was pretty rattled.  I used to be unshakable and when things got tough, I got tougher.  Nothing got me down for long. 

Then my world turned upside down and suddenly I found myself in a situation I was unprepared to handle.  Julie told me it was a panic attack.  I've never heard anyone tell me that in all of my previous 50+ years on this earth.  She later told me I was prone to them.  That was difficult to accept.

But recent challenges have helped me put things back on track.  You'll probably experience things like that too Stacy.  I think that once the storm blows over we all go back to where we were before, except with a few important differences. 

The stage of our life known as transition is a difficult one but it's just part of our life, not the definition of our life.  Once you are settled in as you, things will return to normal.

Julie

Stacy,

You said:

So Ive ammased all of this knowlegde and struggled for years to get here... why cant I then make my emotions match what I logically know to be true? Im betting that after the fact I will look back on this go "what the hell was I worried about?". But till then...

Nothing at all unusual about what you're feeling, Hon.  We all go through it in one way or another.  Truly, the day will come when you'll look back on it all and just kind of laugh at it.  But, till then ...

One day at a time ... will see you through like these girls have all said on this post.  Just my opinion.  Hope it all works out well for you, and you know what?  It will!  Hugs!

Quote from: Stacy Brahm on June 08, 2009, 05:26:29 PM
Ive had no trouble passing when out in public. Ive have no problem with new friends Ive made, or in telling people who have no preconceived notions of my past. I have no trouble interacting with strangers. It all just feels right...

I've been procrastinating (dreading?) coming out to those in the close circle of friends and family I grew up with. I am already familiar with the religous dogma and the preconceived notions of everything from gender to marriage to life, as this was the way I grew up. It took me years to break free of the chains, and much of this cant be pinned on religion alone. Im caught between "knowing" what to expect and not giving the the chance... the whole notion of "hope for the best but prepare for the worst" is easy on paper, difficult in practice...

I wish you could see how far Ive come in the last few years. Ive had to tackle self image and self acceptance on top of other demons Ive had to come face to face with. And yes, I know you've all been there -- wouldnt make much sense to seek out support from those that havent been under fire. It wasnt even until this year that I finally realized this was even possible.

I suppose thats the real kick in the head. I have read other posts, and with some, even though not on this forum, watched them succeed. Intellectually I know all of this... I also know its not the actual outcome, its the sense of not being in control.

So Ive ammased all of this knowlegde and struggled for years to get here... why cant I then make my emotions match what I logically know to be true? Im betting that after the fact I will look back on this go "what the hell was I worried about?". But till then...

I wish I had seen all of that as well.

I can only tell you that "being able to practice what I know or have logically accepted" is hard for all of us, I think.

No one knows beforehand that she, or he, is going to "pass." Impossible to know stuff #1. I'm sure I am not the only person who transitioned and discovered that almost all of my "fear & worry" about that aspect were exactly and positively unfounded. I was lucky in terms of genetic qualities passed along from my parents as far as being able to transition physically was concerned. (Just by the way your avatar looks my guess is that you are also so blessed and fortunate.) Others are fortunate to have or be able to eventually afford surgeries and assistance that allow them to do the exact same thing.

But, even with Dr. O or Dr. Z or Dr. S doing their magic the people who use them and those of us who don't still spend a lot of time worrying about how things will go. That's a long time process that finally life itself works out for us. We tend to forget that as an every day worry as we find it occurs either not at all or extremely infrequently at most.

I think prolly none of us just look in a mirror or have really supportive and truthful friends and acquaintances who "make" us see the logical part of that. It's something that happens is all.

Same thing with presentation and behaviors. Impossible to know stuff #2. For some it all "seems to come naturally" and for others we spend a lot of time and effort to effect that re-conditioning. But, it's all a time-process insofar as becoming "convinced" within one's self that the deal's done and we place that aspect of transition behind us.

With family and close friends it's that same deal. Some of us have family and friends (who at least sometimes, some of them) are not only accepting, but also who get to that notion that we suddenly (none of this ever seems to happen "suddenly" :laugh: ) make all the sense in the world to them when we've been a conundrum before!

When I say "Impossible to know stuff" there are hundreds of those. They are impossible to logically and rationally just know. None of us actually, I think if we own the truth, just "know" this through reading & hearing the experiences of others.

Instead we incorporate, over time, our own experiences until our own experiences teach us that these are things we need no longer worry about. It's not logical and, imo, cannot be learned and incorporated the way the line-up at Woodstock or Lilithfaire or the order of service at Mass can be incorporated through a catechism or through memorization of a set list.

Instead it is something that occurs through time and experience and in that regard, just as you have made tremendous progress toward becoming Stacy in the past few years, it cannot be "logical" or "taught" in any other way.

It simply becomes part of any of us, kinda like the way we "find" a workplace we only started coming to a year ago has become first nature over the course of that year. You can read maps, listen to instructional tapes, etc, but until you do it and incorporate it through living it you don't feel sure or confident about it, no matter how good and experienced the person telling you the way is. :)

I mean, think about it, when was the last time you got lost and couldn't find where a workplace was that you spent more than a year working at? :)

N~

Telling my son what I am was easier than telling my spouse but I did it. Recently I hesitated crossing another road in my journey for the first time. Previously to that I moved ahead seamlessly. I wasn't a panic attack I don't think but it was the first time I had to seriously think if I wanted to go any further.

Gennee

Quote from: Stacy Brahm on June 08, 2009, 05:26:29 PM
I think I should clarify somewhat...

Ive had no trouble passing when out in public. Ive have no problem with new friends Ive made, or in telling people who have no preconceived notions of my past. I have no trouble interacting with strangers. It all just feels right...

Ive been procrastinating (dreading?) coming out to those in the close circle of friends and family I grew up with. I am already familiar with the religous dogma and the preconceived notions of everything from gender to marriage to life, as this was the way I grew up. It took me years to break free of the chains, and much of this cant be pinned on religion alone. Im caught between "knowing" what to expect and not giving the the chance... the whole notion of "hope for the best but prepare for the worst" is easy on paper, difficult in practice...

I wish you could see how far Ive come in the last few years. Ive had to tackle self image and self acceptance on top of other demons Ive had to come face to face with. And yes, I know you've all been there -- wouldnt make much sense to seek out support from those that havent been under fire. It wasnt even until this year that I finally realized this was even possible.

I suppose thats the real kick in the head. I have read other posts, and with some, even though not on this forum, watched them succeed. Intellectually I know all of this... I also know its not the actual outcome, its the sense of not being in control.

So Ive ammased all of this knowlegde and struggled for years to get here... why cant I then make my emotions match what I logically know to be true? Im betting that after the fact I will look back on this go "what the hell was I worried about?". But till then...

Ok Stacy I have a little bit of advice, if you are really worried about friends and family rejecting you I have this for you... If my dad (completely putting aside the way I feel genderly) said that he felt like a girl and didnt want to be a man anymore... it would take some time to get used to and would be very VERY confusing but in the end it would all be for the better and I would still love him/her no matter what... but if your really really worried about this then my suggestion is do it quick and get it over with because the longer you wait the worse it's going to get and the more worried your going to become until finnally its the only thing you can think about... I hope I help you... good luck if this is what you decide on, we're all here to help, ask and you shall receive.

Best regards.
-:|:-Amber-:|:-

Hi Stacy, This is Bridgette from Crossdresserclub forum!  :)

I had a panic attack myself about 4 or 5 years ago but was due to different reasons. One night I was asleep and then at 11:10 PM woke up jumping out of my bed absolutely horrified.  Felt like someone tried to kill me by smothering me with a pillow or something.  After that I had General Anxiety Disorder for most of time since this happened.  After my panic attack my head didn't feel the same anymore. If wind blew on my face it drove me insane (moerso if it was mechanical like from a fan or a/c).  I couldn't think about the past or future or it would get me freaked out.  Developed a bit of claustrophobia as well. 

Hope that last part didn't happen to you!  Cymbalta and Ativan is what I take now. Thankfully with my meds I don't suffer from the previous things.  Much better.

If you ended up having this weird type of anxiety I'm available if you need to talk.

Oh, God. I have panic and anxiety attacks almost like breathing. Some I can nip in the bud, but when stress and exhaustion have wrung me out, I crack. I've been forced to literally walk out on jobs at times, and the ones that hit me at home can leave me catatonic for hours, or even days. It scares the crap out of me, but I always have to put on a good face and hope I still have a job and a life afterward.

Quote from: avmorgan on June 21, 2009, 05:10:20 AM
Oh, God. I have panic and anxiety attacks almost like breathing. Some I can nip in the bud, but when stress and exhaustion have wrung me out, I crack. I've been forced to literally walk out on jobs at times, and the ones that hit me at home can leave me catatonic for hours, or even days. It scares the crap out of me, but I always have to put on a good face and hope I still have a job and a life afterward.

I feel for you!  Luckily I only had one major panic attack and then one minor one.  But this anxiety was 24/7 and not based on events.  Chemicals were put into constant imbalance. Have you talked to your doctor about this? 

I also had problems with social anxiety as well even before my panic attack.  Since I started taking cymbalta that is pretty much gone.

During my first attempt at transitioning, and afterward, when it fell apart, I addressed this with therapists, and I discovered that my coping skills are pretty amazing if a bit over strained. When I was put on anti-depression and anti-anxiety meds, they interfered with my ability to think and completely undermined my coping skills. I ended up becoming more suicidal and my depression and anxiety became even more severe and debilitating. I do better without the medication and try to reduce stress factors so I can go longer between attacks. It's kind of like managing leprosy, I have a self-diagnostic routine I have to constantly run through to catch and manage the little "cuts" and "scratches" that can get infected and become a threat to my mental well-being. It can get exhausting, though, so I gradually fall behind. That is why it remains so difficult to maintain a stable living and working situation. I have to stretch myself to make improvements, like completing my education or getting in shape. I pay for my progress by burning out. No fun!

Quote from: avmorgan on June 21, 2009, 06:27:44 PM
During my first attempt at transitioning, and afterward, when it fell apart, I addressed this with therapists, and I discovered that my coping skills are pretty amazing if a bit over strained. When I was put on anti-depression and anti-anxiety meds, they interfered with my ability to think and completely undermined my coping skills. I ended up becoming more suicidal and my depression and anxiety became even more severe and debilitating. I do better without the medication and try to reduce stress factors so I can go longer between attacks. It's kind of like managing leprosy, I have a self-diagnostic routine I have to constantly run through to catch and manage the little "cuts" and "scratches" that can get infected and become a threat to my mental well-being. It can get exhausting, though, so I gradually fall behind. That is why it remains so difficult to maintain a stable living and working situation. I have to stretch myself to make improvements, like completing my education or getting in shape. I pay for my progress by burning out. No fun!

I was put on Paxil for a while which ended up making me feel like what you explained (except for the depression part). I could barely focus on anything at all.  Then my doctor put my on cymbalta and wow! Some people don't do well on certain SSRIs and I"m one of those.  Well, I hope you find a way to get the chemicals balanced!  I wish you well