Community Conversation => Transgender talk => Topic started by: stacyB on July 10, 2009, 11:34:45 PM Return to Full Version
Title: I told my parents tonite... so NOT what I expected!
Post by: stacyB on July 10, 2009, 11:34:45 PM
Post by: stacyB on July 10, 2009, 11:34:45 PM
I posted a thread here about validation and mental transitioning... how this has been troubling me for quite a while now...
One of the hardest things we face is coming to terms with who we are and fret and twist about how others see us. Some is drama we create in our heads, but some also has merit based on the unpredictability of how our friends and loved ones will react when we share the our inner most thoughts and feelings.
While I have been stressing for a while about coming out to my folks, I didnt really plan to tell them tonite. But somehow I felt the need to do this... that the time had come.
I asked them if they had heard of the term "transgendered". Althought they didnt quite have the right definition, they had heard the term. I told them everything. I poured my heart out. Explained about being wired this way and how its not a choice. Explained what steps are involved in transitioning and how I will be changing. How this plays into religion. How this will affect my relationship with my son. How I need to do this.
I finally realized that validation is not what I have been seeking... and why seeking validation is an act of futility. I was prepared to have them accept me or reject me outright. But no matter what, it wasnt going to change my path... going through the beginning steps of metal transition...
What I got instead was more than just their support... I have their acceptance.
They asked questions... my mom said they both could see I always seemed so unhappy and tormented, even as a child, but they could not figure out why or what to do... they just knew i needed to change *something*. It was very hard for them to watch and not understand or be able to help. I didnt realize how obvious it was to them... and now they said "it all just makes sense".
Most important, they asked what they could do to help.
It was a good conversation. I think that being open and honest with them probably set the stage too. They know me well enough to know that I dont make rash decisions.
I know some take the approach of "damn the torpedos, full steam ahead". Some take the other extreme and spend so much time yelling slow down they cant see they have stalled. In the end though, I think we know inside ourselves when the timing is right to move on to the next step.
For me the time was right tonite. I needed to do this. It was a huge gamble betting everything I had, choosing either black or red... but really, what price can you place on acceptance?
One of the hardest things we face is coming to terms with who we are and fret and twist about how others see us. Some is drama we create in our heads, but some also has merit based on the unpredictability of how our friends and loved ones will react when we share the our inner most thoughts and feelings.
While I have been stressing for a while about coming out to my folks, I didnt really plan to tell them tonite. But somehow I felt the need to do this... that the time had come.
I asked them if they had heard of the term "transgendered". Althought they didnt quite have the right definition, they had heard the term. I told them everything. I poured my heart out. Explained about being wired this way and how its not a choice. Explained what steps are involved in transitioning and how I will be changing. How this plays into religion. How this will affect my relationship with my son. How I need to do this.
I finally realized that validation is not what I have been seeking... and why seeking validation is an act of futility. I was prepared to have them accept me or reject me outright. But no matter what, it wasnt going to change my path... going through the beginning steps of metal transition...
What I got instead was more than just their support... I have their acceptance.
They asked questions... my mom said they both could see I always seemed so unhappy and tormented, even as a child, but they could not figure out why or what to do... they just knew i needed to change *something*. It was very hard for them to watch and not understand or be able to help. I didnt realize how obvious it was to them... and now they said "it all just makes sense".
Most important, they asked what they could do to help.
It was a good conversation. I think that being open and honest with them probably set the stage too. They know me well enough to know that I dont make rash decisions.
I know some take the approach of "damn the torpedos, full steam ahead". Some take the other extreme and spend so much time yelling slow down they cant see they have stalled. In the end though, I think we know inside ourselves when the timing is right to move on to the next step.
For me the time was right tonite. I needed to do this. It was a huge gamble betting everything I had, choosing either black or red... but really, what price can you place on acceptance?
Title: Re: I told my parents tonite... so NOT what I expected!
Post by: Lori on July 10, 2009, 11:55:59 PM
Post by: Lori on July 10, 2009, 11:55:59 PM
Oh that is good news. Congratulations.
Title: Re: I told my parents tonite... so NOT what I expected!
Post by: Tammy Hope on July 10, 2009, 11:58:39 PM
Post by: Tammy Hope on July 10, 2009, 11:58:39 PM
YAY!
Title: Re: I told my parents tonite... so NOT what I expected!
Post by: Audrey on July 11, 2009, 12:03:40 AM
Post by: Audrey on July 11, 2009, 12:03:40 AM
congrats thats really an amazing thing!!!
Title: Re: I told my parents tonite... so NOT what I expected!
Post by: Alyssa M. on July 11, 2009, 12:15:49 AM
Post by: Alyssa M. on July 11, 2009, 12:15:49 AM
That's awesome, Stacy! It sounds like you were really prepared to talk with them. I think that makes a huge difference. I'm glad it worked out so well.
Title: Re: I told my parents tonite... so NOT what I expected!
Post by: heatherrose on July 11, 2009, 12:58:44 AM
Post by: heatherrose on July 11, 2009, 12:58:44 AM
I'm very glad for you.
May the rest of your path rise to meet your every step.
Title: Re: I told my parents tonite... so NOT what I expected!
Post by: Eva Marie on July 11, 2009, 01:23:35 AM
Post by: Eva Marie on July 11, 2009, 01:23:35 AM
Congrats!!!! That has to be a gigantic load off of you :)
Title: Re: I told my parents tonite... so NOT what I expected!
Post by: Janet_Girl on July 11, 2009, 01:32:08 AM
Post by: Janet_Girl on July 11, 2009, 01:32:08 AM
:eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_dance: :eusa_dance: :eusa_dance: :icon_dance: :icon_dance: :icon_dance: :icon_dance:
Total awesome, Stacy. May the wind always be at your back, your seas calm, your compass true. You are now on truly wondrous journey.
Blessed be, Sister
Janet
Total awesome, Stacy. May the wind always be at your back, your seas calm, your compass true. You are now on truly wondrous journey.
Blessed be, Sister
Janet
Title: Re: I told my parents tonite... so NOT what I expected!
Post by: miniangel on July 11, 2009, 02:35:38 AM
Post by: miniangel on July 11, 2009, 02:35:38 AM
Stacy - so good to hear such a positive tale! Okay, next song title, please :D
Title: Re: I told my parents tonite... so NOT what I expected!
Post by: Cindy on July 11, 2009, 03:54:11 AM
Post by: Cindy on July 11, 2009, 03:54:11 AM
Hi Stacy
Great news. Wonderful family.
Thanks for sharing, is Pooh going to take a round out? :angel:
Love Cindy
Great news. Wonderful family.
Thanks for sharing, is Pooh going to take a round out? :angel:
Love Cindy
Title: Re: I told my parents tonite... so NOT what I expected!
Post by: heatherrose on July 11, 2009, 04:14:14 AM
Post by: heatherrose on July 11, 2009, 04:14:14 AM
Hell, he sounds like my kind of bear.
I'll him buy a round or two.
:icon_drunk:
I'll him buy a round or two.
:icon_drunk:
Title: Re: I told my parents tonite... so NOT what I expected!
Post by: finewine on July 11, 2009, 05:34:34 AM
Post by: finewine on July 11, 2009, 05:34:34 AM
I love it when things work out this way. Congratulations Stacy! I hope some of the folks who are suffering angst about their potential "coming out" scenarios take some comfort from your situation...it really can work out. Well done!
Title: Re: I told my parents tonite... so NOT what I expected!
Post by: Genevieve Swann on July 11, 2009, 05:56:47 AM
Post by: Genevieve Swann on July 11, 2009, 05:56:47 AM
That's fantastic. They have accepted you as you and are willing to help. You have a very loving and honorable family.
Title: Re: I told my parents tonite... so NOT what I expected!
Post by: ArleneTgirl on July 11, 2009, 06:00:14 AM
Post by: ArleneTgirl on July 11, 2009, 06:00:14 AM
Great news, I'm so happy for you Stacy.
Title: Re: I told my parents tonite... so NOT what I expected!
Post by: Vicky on July 11, 2009, 10:08:02 AM
Post by: Vicky on July 11, 2009, 10:08:02 AM
Stacy==
"...so NOT what I expected!" YES!!! ;D
In my case, its not parents (I've outlived them) but it is other people in my life who are reacting the way your parents have. "We know you and we like you but we see where you have not been the happiest you could have been." Breeeeaaaaattttthhhhheeeeee!!! Wonderful!, now a "good cry" for us that we never realized we were that loveable that people saw our unhappiness. That seems to be one of our symptoms (not feeling loveable or important) that goes with what we have. SSSSSSiiiiiiiiiiiggggggghhhhh!
:icon_hug:
"...so NOT what I expected!" YES!!! ;D
In my case, its not parents (I've outlived them) but it is other people in my life who are reacting the way your parents have. "We know you and we like you but we see where you have not been the happiest you could have been." Breeeeaaaaattttthhhhheeeeee!!! Wonderful!, now a "good cry" for us that we never realized we were that loveable that people saw our unhappiness. That seems to be one of our symptoms (not feeling loveable or important) that goes with what we have. SSSSSSiiiiiiiiiiiggggggghhhhh!
:icon_hug:
Title: Re: I told my parents tonite... so NOT what I expected!
Post by: katherine on July 11, 2009, 10:38:45 AM
Post by: katherine on July 11, 2009, 10:38:45 AM
That's wonderful Stacy. My mother had a very similar response. My stepfather, not as accepting. My sisters were as supportive as my mother. Sometimes we fret over coming out to parents and imagine the worst, but then this type of response is received. I know that others have been put through hell revealing their true selves. You're very fortunate.
Title: Re: I told my parents tonite... so NOT what I expected!
Post by: Sandy on July 11, 2009, 12:42:37 PM
Post by: Sandy on July 11, 2009, 12:42:37 PM
Stacy!
Congratulations, my sister!
The process of rebirth is many times greeted with joy. You are being reborn and you will find that you are truly loved.
-Sandy
Congratulations, my sister!
The process of rebirth is many times greeted with joy. You are being reborn and you will find that you are truly loved.
-Sandy
Title: Re: I told my parents tonite... so NOT what I expected!
Post by: am529 on July 12, 2009, 01:32:52 AM
Post by: am529 on July 12, 2009, 01:32:52 AM
Congratulations, I'm glad they responded well.
Wish my parents were accepting like yours. They've said they don't have a problem with it, but I know that's not completely true (my mother and step father won't even talk to me now).
Wish my parents were accepting like yours. They've said they don't have a problem with it, but I know that's not completely true (my mother and step father won't even talk to me now).
Title: Re: I told my parents tonite... so NOT what I expected!
Post by: cblucky21 on July 12, 2009, 09:36:09 AM
Post by: cblucky21 on July 12, 2009, 09:36:09 AM
your so lucky congratulations. my parents tried to exorcise me and now refuse to acknowledge i exist
Title: Re: I told my parents tonite... so NOT what I expected!
Post by: MMarieN on July 12, 2009, 12:38:51 PM
Post by: MMarieN on July 12, 2009, 12:38:51 PM
Stacy, congratulations! It's wonderful that they are so accepting.
My parents are accepting also and over the last few years they have become my biggest allies.
My parents are accepting also and over the last few years they have become my biggest allies.
Title: Re: I told my parents tonite... so NOT what I expected!
Post by: kalina on July 15, 2009, 09:42:25 PM
Post by: kalina on July 15, 2009, 09:42:25 PM
Quote from: Stacy Brahm on July 10, 2009, 11:34:45 PMMost important, they asked what they could do to help.
I love stories like this. It seems that there are accepting parents in the world, but... and this is a big but... every girl I've met who has ever encountered people who ask what they could do to help has always met with some kind of resistance from the very source who tried to help, be it from family, friends, or their workplace. Especially in a workplace, your manager might be asking you that just to do damage control to make sure he doesn't get in trouble with some policy. With friends, depending on the extent of your friendship, you will likely lose some friends, even the ones who claimed to be close to you. With parents, it should be different. They're you're blood, but I've seen bad things happen, too. Words from your parents might come out through another relative's mouth.
I hope your story ends up different than these cases. When we find certain souls appearing to be accepting at first, we later find out they really didn't accept us. I hate when that happens, but it does and more often than not.
Title: Re: I told my parents tonite... so NOT what I expected!
Post by: Ms Jessica on July 16, 2009, 11:54:21 AM
Post by: Ms Jessica on July 16, 2009, 11:54:21 AM
That's great! Congratulations!
Title: Re: I told my parents tonite... so NOT what I expected!
Post by: Rebeestef on July 28, 2009, 11:07:12 PM
Post by: Rebeestef on July 28, 2009, 11:07:12 PM
That is so wonderful. Congratulations on finding the courage to tell all. I have yet to do so with my parents. I tell myself that I don't want to hurt anybody, but I really just don't want to be rejected.
Congrats!
Congrats!
Title: Re: I told my parents tonite... so NOT what I expected!
Post by: Ms Jessica on August 03, 2009, 07:05:47 PM
Post by: Ms Jessica on August 03, 2009, 07:05:47 PM
Quote from: ReneeStef on July 28, 2009, 11:07:12 PM
I tell myself that I don't want to hurt anybody, but I really just don't want to be rejected.
Not to hijack, but yes. My parents handled everything very badly, and I've been, well, rejected. It sucks.
Big time.
Title: Re: I told my parents tonite... so NOT what I expected!
Post by: ArleneTgirl on August 04, 2009, 09:05:09 AM
Post by: ArleneTgirl on August 04, 2009, 09:05:09 AM
Unfortunately, rejection is all to common, both by parents, family, and friends. I have been fortunate enough to be accepted by my family, not so with "old" friends, but the new friendships I have made have been priceless.
Title: Re: I told my parents tonite... so NOT what I expected!
Post by: Ms Jessica on August 04, 2009, 07:41:04 PM
Post by: Ms Jessica on August 04, 2009, 07:41:04 PM
Quote from: ArleneTgirl on August 04, 2009, 09:05:09 AMVery true. And I'm in the exact opposite position than you. Most of my friends have been very good to me. My family has been horrendous.
Unfortunately, rejection is all to common, both by parents, family, and friends. I have been fortunate enough to be accepted by my family, not so with "old" friends, but the new friendships I have made have been priceless.
Title: Re: I told my parents tonite... so NOT what I expected!
Post by: aisha on August 04, 2009, 10:13:39 PM
Post by: aisha on August 04, 2009, 10:13:39 PM
love
no matter what, you are always accepted into the family of all things, because we all are related, we all come from the same place, mother earth, and she is looking out for all of us, she see's our problems and we've just got to keep growing and loving, everything is sacred, and though there are blockages sometimes, all in all what goes on flows on, surrender to the flow of love is all you can do.
love is everything, and love is the only thing
no matter what, you are always accepted into the family of all things, because we all are related, we all come from the same place, mother earth, and she is looking out for all of us, she see's our problems and we've just got to keep growing and loving, everything is sacred, and though there are blockages sometimes, all in all what goes on flows on, surrender to the flow of love is all you can do.
love is everything, and love is the only thing