Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi everyone, you'll have to excuse the terrible username, I've been lurking on these forums for the past half a year and just now decided to post.

I've thought about introducing myself here several times now, but for some reason decided that right now was the right time.

I had planned to just make a thread in the HRT forum with my question and a brief introduction, but then my brief introduction became kinda, not so brief. So I figured I'd post it in the more general forum in stead.

Back in December last year I had a bit of an epiphany, something that I've had in the back of my mind for as long as I can remember, that I even pursued to a small degree when I was very young, but for some reason pushed to the back of my mind for a bit over a decade. I didn't even know the word for it until for some reason last year it became clear. Mentally I feel like I'm supposed to be female. I've felt that way for as long as I can remember, but for some reason never thought about it directly. Almost like it was semi-subconscious. I don't really know how to explain it. It was something I knew but never acted on, to everyone else I just put up a well acted front of normalcy. In my mind however, I thought of myself as female, but with a sort of "biology is biology, things just are the way they are" mindset. I don't know how to explain it any better. However, back in December I went through a bit of a stressful event, nothing too major or unusual, just the general stresses of life. But while it was happening, something changed, and what I've had in the back of my mind all this time came to the front. After that, I started doing research on what I had been feeling, it was through that I found out exactly what it was called, and shortly after found this forum and the various other well known transexuality websites.

After realizing this, and consequentially realizing that I could have, and should have realized this many years ago and done something. Since then I've been struggling with depression, or at least that's what I've been told by people who're close enough to notice my change in personality and be concerned for me. Unlike my gender issues which I've been quite able to hide from everybody, even to a degree myself, since I was a child. The people who know me know I've changed. Some have suggested I goto a doctor about my depression, but I've been reluctant too, until I understand what these feelings mean, and why this has become a problem for me now, instead of years ago. I feel like years of subtle lying have made it hard for me to share my real feelings with anybody. I hope I don't sound too self centered, I know some people have reached their late 30s and 40s before reaching a point where they feel they can't continue living this way, I'm a few months shy of 21. But I can't help but feeling angry at myself for not doing something sooner.

My depression or gender dysphoria has become so bad that there have been a few times where I've considered suicide. Something I had never considered before in my life. I simply don't know what to do.

On the one hand I feel like I should try to transition into the roll that I feel like I was always supposed to be, on the other hand I just don't know if I'm strong enough to do that. I don't know if I could be happy living like that. But at the same time I know I'm not happy pretending to be a normal guy. Even before this I wasn't what I would call "content" with it. But I always kept it in the back of my mind, and lied to myself.

I would like to know if anyone else has had experiences like this, where you've known the truth about yourself on some level the whole time, but at the same time you've lied to yourself, and in some way deceived everyone who knows you by putting on an act of normality. Only to have it all change very suddenly and for seemingly no reason?

I would also like to know what sort of passibility comes with starting hormones and transitioning at 21. From what I've found, at least online, a very large number of transsexuals begin transitioning much later in life, when hormones usually are much slower and less effective. And most of the information I've seen about HRT is the success of that. I haven't been able to find much about how successful transition is for someone much younger like myself.

What I'd really like to see is just sort of results, particularly in appearance (superficial I know) for people who transition around 21.

I really hope nobody takes offense to this, but the results I've seen from HRT on people more around middle age haven't been all that successful from purely a shallow appearance point of view. But the little I've seen from in the 20's range have in general been very very passable. But then again, I haven't found all that much information about HRT success in that age bracket. There's information for much much younger individuals, and much much older individuals, but not quite so clear in the middle.

I've felt very angry at myself for not doing something years ago, but I'm terrified that if I do nothing now, if I keep pretending, I'll just end up hating myself even more, for not doing something when I knew I should.

Your feelings are quite common but what you really need to do is see a therapist that specializes in Gender Indentity Disorder. They will be able to help you work through the things you talked about in your post and then you'll know what you need to do from there. As far as HRT is concerned, if you are 21 then you are doing it at as close to the perfect time as is possible physically speaking since most of the masculinization of the body happens in the mid 20's (that's when you thicken out and your face and body begin to look 'hard'). That being said; I wouldn't worry too much about how you'll look, the only way you'll ever know is by transitioning, instead worry about getting into therapy so you can really work on the important stuff.

I don't think that the dysphoria kills people, its the depression and obsession that arise out of it that does the damage, find someone to help you.

As someone more than three times your age :o, please allow me a few comments:

Don't beat yourself up because you didn't do this earlier or even realize this was what you want/need.  Look back only to inform the present, but regrets get you nowhere.

Talk to someone trained to help work out what you want and need to do.  Do not try to do this just puzzling it out in your head.  Get help.  (It really helps.)

Hormone therapy at your age is more effective than it is later.  I've been on hormones four months now.  The changes people see are subtle and may not seem much.  The changes I feel inside are wonderful!  But before you start, you  want to work with a guide to help you through the process - a therapist.

Your story is yours, but it is similar to many of us here.  Get your head on straight.  Then getting your body straightened out will be a lot easier.

Good luck.  And what should we call you?  Somehow asfsd4214 seems so impersonal. ::)

- Kate

your story is very typical girl. i wish i could have started transition at your age, i'm 52 now and been on hormones for a year. i agree go find a good therapist and go from there.

Hi asfsd4214 , :icon_wave:

Welcome to our little family. Over 2700 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. :icon_hug:

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Janet

Welcome, Welcome, Welcome sweetie!!!

HUGS hon. Welcome to Susan's!! Please come in dear, and sit with me while I get you some cocoa and cookies from the kitchen. Sweetie, let's chat for a bit shall we? Now sweetie you are still very very young and you are realizing the gift you have. That is so wonderful!! Never hate yourself for not taking action sooner or realizing sooner hon. It is never too late! True, it is typical that the younger you are, the more responsive your body is to HRT. With that being said hon, I know women that did not start their transition until their late fifties and one of my friends in particular, not until she was in her sixties!! Well... they are complete knockouts!!!

I know there is this tendency once you begin to understand who you are to then rush like the dickens to transition. Even tempted to circumvent the medical community and self-medicate yourself with hormones. Please, do not even go there hon!! Taking hormones without the guide of an endocrinologist is extremely dangerous and can lead to liver failure, heart disease, even death.

Now afsd, listen to me very carefully... You are going to need to setup appointments with a gender therapist (there are some available online if you don't have any in your area). Your gender therapist will assess your needs and where you are. If your gender therapist identifies you with GID then your therapist will write you the coveted letters for HRT and SRS. You must have these letters before you begin HRT!!! Have the hormones prescribed appropriately complete with bloodwork and monitoring... OK hon.

In the meantime, you can begin your transition by experimenting with crossdressing, shaving, nailpolish, jewelery, perfume, shoes, etc, etc. This will help you so much to feel yourself!!!

You are now on your journey, be patient!! You will arrive hon!!!

HUGS

Brenda

Hello, and welcome to the forums.  Come on in!
A lot of what you say is the same for many of us.  Years and decades can go by, where we know deep down who we really are, but insist on going down the cis road as "assigned". And yes, later transitioners like myself don't get quite the impact from hrt as a 20 yr old.  I started at 55, now I'm 58.  But in my case, if I had started at 20, I would look waaaaaay better "on a shallow level", but I would have missed out on all the other things in my existence that I needed.

I've seen lots of results for the 20-something transitioning crowd, and the effects are dramatically better for 20-something than 30 to 50-something crowd.  But then, no matter the age, like Forest says, "yuh nevuh no whuttcha gunna get....."

Enjoy the chocolates
Bev

Hi everyone, sorry for the lack of a reply, but not to sound dramatic, things have gotten substantially worse for me since my initial post.


It's starting to look very much like I have multiple sclerosis or some other neurological disorder. I had some neurological symptoms in June, followed by some others I dismissed shortly until developing classic "optic neuritis" symptoms a few weeks ago, for those of you who don't know, optic neuritis is a nerve inflammation (or something very similar) disorder which causes eye sight problems, usually (and in my case) in one eye, which usually resolve to a large degree though often leave some permanent eye nerve damage. I'm seeing a neurologist later in the week and will most likely end up being given an MRI.

Funnily enough though, all of this has served to make my gender identity issues a hundred times worse. I spend most of my time worrying more about GID than MS.

On a semi-positive note, my depression since the beginning of the year, followed by these symptoms, have lead to me finally being honest to my Mum for the first time since I was a child. She took the news of my Transgender issues pretty well, and has said she'll support me in whatever I do. So I suppose in that sense, I'm quite lucky. Not quite as lucky as people without Gender Identity and MS issues, but still.

I'm trying to work out who to see about my GID issues, I live in Brisbane, QLD, Australia and if anybody knows any good psychiatrists with experience in GID issues, or knows anyone who might know, I'd very much appreciate any recommendations. Really any opinions are welcome right now.

The one thing that's still terrifying me about transitioning is passing. Hardly an uncommon fear, and it probably sounds a bit self-absorbed to those that didn't transition until substantially later. I've also been worrying about the long term health implications of HRT. It seems quite proven that it can increase your risk of blood clotting and strokes, and strokes already are EXTREMELY prevalent on one side of my family after about 40-50. Plus I haven't treated my body that well up till now anyway. I suppose I'd rather live a good life for 50-60 years than a conflicted one for even longer, especially if I have MS.

So yeah, if anyone knows anything about who to see in the Brisbane area, or who might know that I could ask, or about MS and any implications that might have on HRT, or any wisdom of any kind really, I'd appreciate it.

As for what to call me, I didn't initially pick a good nickname when I registered, I seem to recall initially registering so I could use the search feature, but it seems to be usable without registration now. I'd prefer not to give my legal name because, well, I don't like it. But I'm also not comfortable picking another  name. Call me whatever you like I guess.  :-\

Thanks for the replies, hopefully no more life altering bombshells will be dropped on me in the meantime and I will be a bit more active on the forums. Thanks.

Well you have taken the first steps toward resolving the problem - talking to your Mom and looking for medical help. Keep moving and you will be able to handle the depression better, and don't worry about "passing" - the more in touch you become with your inner feelings and the more you begin expressing them the more that will come naturally.

I was pretty much where you are nearly 40 years ago, before there was much help available, and I made it so you can to. After 35 years I can say with no hesitation, IT'S WORTH IT!

Thanks for getting back to us, asfsd.  Don't worry about the name - it'll come naturally.  (Yes, don't use your legal name.  There are a lot of trolls on the internet.)

That's tough about the MS.  I hope that will be manageable.  But it's great about your mum.  This journey is a lot easier with supporters.  And as the others have said, don't worry about passing - it'll come naturally, too, as you become comfortable with this. 

I can't help you finding a therapist in Brisbane since I live in North America.  A gender specialist will probably help the most but isn't always necessary.  I go to a regular counselor who has been very helpful to me.

Yes, HRT can increase the risk of blood clots.  That's another reason you want to do it through the supervision and with the  monitoring of a qualified doctor.

When you're standing on the valley floor, the mountain looks like an impossible climb.  But as you take each step you become stronger and more capable.  Don't look too far into the future; concentrate on the steps you can take now to begin.  Being honest with your mum was a HUGE step, so you've already begun.  Good for you.

*hugs*
Kate

I'm in NSW, not QLD... but I KNOW 100% for sure you guys have a really good gender clinic up there in Brisbane. I just don't know their contact details... sorry  :-\.

I THINK the gender clinic in QLD people talk about is ATSAQ (Australian Transgenderist Support Assoc of QLD). It's a non-profit "providing support, referral, counselling and information". They have a crappy website at www . atsaq . com, but I have a phone number for them that is (07) 3843 5024.

I've also got details for a "Brisbane Gender Clinic". "Doctors from private practices with an understanding of the transgender community are available for consultation by appointment each Wednesday afternoon 1:30pm - 5:30 pm". (07) 3837 5645, Level 1, 270 Roma Street Brisbane. They don't sound so non-profit, I'd be getting in touch with the other guys first.

Phone numbers and details were current as of a month or two ago, so they still should be good.

Anyway - hope this helps you get started. Good Luck!    ;D

You are going through the same things that many of us have faced.  Don't worry too much about the MS thing until you get your test results back.  I went through something similar and the problem turned out to be something else.  I still have that something else but it helps me just knowing exactly what it is.  Once you know the problem, you'll be able to address the issues and make peace with yourself.

The same is true with the GID.  Once you start addressing it, you'll eventually come to the point where you can deal with it.  You are young.  That's a good thing for you should you decide to transition.  Yes, there may be some health consequences with transition. That's a tradeoff decision you will have to deal with.

Cindi

Hi again, sadly I only have more bad news. MRI results came in today, multiple lesions on my brain and at least one on my spine indicative of multiple sclerosis.

No idea how badly this will complicate my risks from transition. Speaking of which, I've made an appointment with a doctor to try and get a referral to a psychologist.

Right now I have no idea what my prognosis is from MS, will speak to my neurologist first thing next week so she can tell me what the more technical parts of the MRI results mean.

All I know so far from the results is that I have quite a few lesions and that they're indicative of MS.

I'm trying very hard to stay positive. Thanks for listening everyone.

I hope your consult with the neurologist goes well.  I'll be pulling for you. :D

*hugs*
Kate

Hi everyone, saw my neurologist a few days ago, she pretty much said I have multiple sclerosis, and recommended a drug called betaferon, which is a type of interferon medication that somehow interacts with the immune system to reduce the damage caused by MS.

My greatest fear right now though is what does this mean for transitioning?

I've seen a doctor and gotten a referral to a psychiatrist that was listed by the transgender support association of queensland (where I live).

What I'd really like to know is does anyone here have any experience, or know someone with any experience on the subject of transitioning with multiple sclerosis. Or developing it after transitioning?

Would it be a good idea to start a new dedicated thread about this?

Thanks again for any information.

Quote from: asfsd4214 on July 13, 2009, 09:09:17 AM

I would also like to know what sort of passibility comes with starting hormones and transitioning at 21. From what I've found, at least online, a very large number of transsexuals begin transitioning much later in life, when hormones usually are much slower and less effective. And most of the information I've seen about HRT is the success of that. I haven't been able to find much about how successful transition is for someone much younger like myself.

What I'd really like to see is just sort of results, particularly in appearance (superficial I know) for people who transition around 21.

I really hope nobody takes offense to this, but the results I've seen from HRT on people more around middle age haven't been all that successful from purely a shallow appearance point of view. But the little I've seen from in the 20's range have in general been very very passable. But then again, I haven't found all that much information about HRT success in that age bracket. There's information for much much younger individuals, and much much older individuals, but not quite so clear in the middle.

Ok, I began hormones just shy of 21 about 9 months ago.  I began passing consistently at around the 6-8 month mark.  I kept to a pretty strict diet though, which allowed me to get rid of the male patterns of fat quick and develop a female figure.  Pretransition, I looked mostly like a typical 21-yo guy, perhaps a bit on the androgynous side with wider hips and not very tall.  Other than that, it was all hormones which allowed me to pass.

For you, it depends on your unique traits.  Unless you look very masculine for our age, odds are you'll be in a pretty good place after a year HRT, and increasingly moreso as time progresses.  And if you aren't sure about hormones quite yet, you can see about getting on an anti-androgen to delay further masculinization without permanent changes.

QuoteI've felt very angry at myself for not doing something years ago, but I'm terrified that if I do nothing now, if I keep pretending, I'll just end up hating myself even more, for not doing something when I knew I should.

Yeh, I know exactly how you feel.  Personally I berate myself, "How could I have not heard about this sooner!?"  I would have transitioned in my teens had the topic of transsexuality not been kept in a haze of shame and secrecy by a bigoted society.  Sigh... if someone had simply mentioned it just once in all my adolescent years... it would have taken, what, 5 seconds?  No, instead I spent hundreds of hours learning about the danger of drugs (which I've never done), sines, cosines, sentence diagrams and the proper time to use who or whom, none of which I'll ever find helpful in my day-to-day life; while at the same time I plunged obliviously deeper into the irreversible effects of testosterone. 

It can make one feel a little bitter that TS issues are of such little importance and/or shame that it goes unheard of for 20 years by someone literally struggling for their life not knowing treatment exists. 

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Post Merge: August 20, 2009, 02:51:24 PM

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Quote from: asfsd4214 on August 20, 2009, 04:59:50 AM
Hi everyone, saw my neurologist a few days ago, she pretty much said I have multiple sclerosis, and recommended a drug called betaferon, which is a type of interferon medication that somehow interacts with the immune system to reduce the damage caused by MS.

My greatest fear right now though is what does this mean for transitioning?

I've seen a doctor and gotten a referral to a psychiatrist that was listed by the transgender support association of queensland (where I live).

What I'd really like to know is does anyone here have any experience, or know someone with any experience on the subject of transitioning with multiple sclerosis. Or developing it after transitioning?

From what I understand, females have a more favorable prognosis with MS.  I'm not sure what the reason is for this.

http://www3.interscience.wiley.com/journal/109680534/abstract?CRETRY=1&SRETRY=0 (http://www3.interscience.wiley.com/journal/109680534/abstract?CRETRY=1&SRETRY=0)

QuoteEarly age at onset, female sex, relapsing-remitting course at onset, and perhaps optic neuritis or sensory symptoms at onset and relatively few attacks in the first two years are associated with a favorable course.

Often, such differences are attributable to the distinct hormones males and females have.  Testosterone, estrogen, and progesterone all have quite significant neurological effects.

For example - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Progesterone#Brain_damage (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Progesterone#Brain_damage)

Good luck to you in everything!  You have a lot to think about it right now, and I wish all the best for you.

While I am from the other side and can't offer any more advice than has been given, I just want to say what a brave young woman you are for all of this.  MS and GID are separately difficult to deal with; together, even more so.  You are taking good steps, as small as they may seem, to getting yourself in a better place.  If you can find a good doctor, I have no doubt in mind that they will work with you to bring your body in line with your mind, regardless of any medical conditions you may have.  Life is one big risk.  Life is a health risk in itself, and at any moment we may begin to develop diseases, infections, or something of the sort.  I think, even with risks hanging right over our heads, we have to think about our quality of life.  Even with the potential risks of HRT, I think not only would alleviating your depression help with your health in general, but may help on a scientific basis due to the evidence that women have a better chance at combatting MS.  Most of this is hormonal, and perhaps estrogen would do you well in more than one way.

Whatever you choose to do, remember that your personal happiness and well-being are the most important things in life.  No matter which hand you are dealt - whether it be particularly favorable or not - there is always a way to be content, even happy, in your life.  Take care of yourself.

Hi again, just figured I'd post a little update on how things have been going.

On the plus side, I've been on MS medication which I have to give myself with an injection every 2 days, and  started having another MS relapse just prior to starting the medication, right now it's quite hard to move my left arm and leg, and the sensation for them both is all screwed up.  :-\ The plus side of that is I've had pretty much none of the "flu-like" side effects that are common with the medication I'm taking. Though they start you out on a 1/4th dose and then work up 1/4th every two weeks until you're on the full dose to reduce side effects and get my body used to it.

On the transition side of things, with little I can do about my MS issues apart from what I'm already doing, my aims have shifted exclusively onto transitioning, and in that regard things could be going better.

So far the only pleasant experience has been with my GP, who's been as helpful and supportive as possible. I'm at a bit of a loss on what to do in order to get access to hormones. I still haven't been able to find anyone in Brisbane or even Australia really to get in contact with to find out how they've done it. The two main people who's names keep coming up as far as transgender stuff goes is a GP and a psychiatrist, neither of whom I can get in to see until November and December.

I went to see the psychiatrist I mentioned last post, who pretty much said that she can't/isn't willing to do anything and I should see the aforementioned GP.

I then went to a different psychiatrist and got a similar, yet substantially worse result. Basically the other psychiatrist said in so many words "hormones barely do anything and you should and would be expected to be dressing in a stereotypically female manner for an indefinite period of time by the standards of care in queensland". Which is in fact NOT the standards of care listed by the support associations website, which are pretty much just a localized copy of the WPATH SoC's. I asked at the time where these supposed standards of care come from, and she couldn't tell me. She also said that regardless she, like the other psych, doesn't prescribe anything and I need to see the aforementioned GP.

So I'm a bit at a loss on what to do next except to keep calling people until I get a different answer. I sure as hell don't plan to intentionally humiliate myself jumping through arbitrary hoops to fit outdated and absurd standards of "care".

I don't really have any questions, I just thought I'd post an update on how things were going. As always, any replies are appreciated.  :D

I'm glad for you that your MS is being addressed and that there are indications it may be controllable.

I don't know what to tell you about transitioning.  I started full-time less than three weeks after going on hormones, but I've heard tales of people being on hormones for years before full-time and being full-time long before hormones.  Who knows?  I guess it depends on your situation. 

My GP is prescribing my hormones and monitoring the effects.  I know not all GPs will do that.

I've learned that it never helps to get into a p***ing match with a gatekeeper.  You need to approach the keeper differently or try a different gate.

I'm sorry I'm not of much help.  Sometimes all I can do is listen to your story and offer a virtual *hug*.

Keep on trying. :-\

- Kate

Quote from: K8 on September 03, 2009, 08:21:59 AM
I'm glad for you that your MS is being addressed and that there are indications it may be controllable.

I don't know what to tell you about transitioning.  I started full-time less than three weeks after going on hormones, but I've heard tales of people being on hormones for years before full-time and being full-time long before hormones.  Who knows?  I guess it depends on your situation. 

My GP is prescribing my hormones and monitoring the effects.  I know not all GPs will do that.

I've learned that it never helps to get into a p***ing match with a gatekeeper.  You need to approach the keeper differently or try a different gate.

I'm sorry I'm not of much help.  Sometimes all I can do is listen to your story and offer a virtual *hug*.

Keep on trying. :-\

- Kate

Thanks for such a quick reply.

My concern right now is more with getting the hormones to begin with. Preferably with proper medical supervision.

But I am not going to indulge some quack (too harsh?) on a power trip for an indefinite amount of time until she "deems" me worthy, I've never let people do that to me in my old life and I don't plan to do it in my new life either.

The way I see it, SOMEONE out there must be willing to help me, without bizarre and out of date gate keeping. I'll just have to keep trying, but I am not going to have my life controlled like that.

Ok so, just thought I'd post a short update on the off chance anyone's interested.

That's two psychiatrists down...

I haven't been back to see the 2nd one I tried, the one who said that she "doesn't make the rules" and that "you have to present as a female" before you can have HRT.

But I saw the first for the third time yesterday, at least she's far more reasonable and willing to hear what I have to say. But she said pretty much that she was reluctant to recommend me for HRT on the grounds that I'm not a cross dresser.  ::)

So now I've basically got the following options that I can see.

1. Wait till Oct see my GP again and get advice from her.
2. Wait till Nov to see the seemingly only GP in the state that deals with transgender issues.
3. Wait till Dec to see seemingly the only psychiatrist in the state that is remotely interested in transgender issues.
4. Self-medicate in some other way and use that to prove to these people that "I'm serious".

Obviously 4's not a great option, so for now I guess I simply have to wait out 1 and 2. My GP's great so hopefully she'll have some advice and/or be willing to do something to help me.

As always, any advice is appreciated.

That sucks.  I don't know how the Australian system works.  I would go with option 1 and keep option 2 open. 

I suppose you could go to a therapy appointment dressed as a woman, but that seems silly to me.  TS is generally considered to be a self-diagnosis since there's really no objective way to diagnose it that I know of.  To me, trying to prove you are a woman to a counselor by presenting as a woman without the guidance of a counselor sounds like a Catch-22.  (Maybe things really are upside down Down Under. ???)

So, no advice.  Just some *hugs* and keeping my fingers crossed that you can get this worked out.

Cheers,
Kate

Quote from: K8 on September 21, 2009, 07:41:59 PM
That sucks.  I don't know how the Australian system works.  I would go with option 1 and keep option 2 open. 

I suppose you could go to a therapy appointment dressed as a woman, but that seems silly to me.  TS is generally considered to be a self-diagnosis since there's really no objective way to diagnose it that I know of.  To me, trying to prove you are a woman to a counselor by presenting as a woman without the guidance of a counselor sounds like a Catch-22.  (Maybe things really are upside down Down Under. ???)

So, no advice.  Just some *hugs* and keeping my fingers crossed that you can get this worked out.

Cheers,
Kate

The standard of care for my state, the ones I'm 99% sure my psychiatrists are referring to, are nearly identical to the WPATH ones, they require either 3 months RLT or 3 months psychotherapy (interestingly without the optionality that the WPATH ones have). The problem seems to be that the first psychiatrist I went to doesn't know the SOC very well, isn't willing to research it, and seems to be stuck in a mindset of "ok in the past I've only recommended HRT for 40-50 year old crossdressers, this persons not a crossdresser, so until they are I shouldn't make a recommendation", and the second one seems to believe in an SOC that I can't find anywhere, she can't tell me where to find it, can't show it to me herself, but feels she knows well enough to dictate what it says.

In short, both are ignorant and utterly unwilling to accept any possible alternative. One because she doesn't really care (she said herself she doesn't really care what the SOC says, she's not comfortable recommending me when I'm not a crossdresser), the other because she's utterly incapable of accepting even the slightest possibility that her SOC, the ones she can't tell me who publishes, can't show me in reality, can't tell me where to find, but are apparently immutable and say I have to cross dress before she'll even really see me again.

Thankfully I have a good neurologist and a great GP, so I'll see what they have to say.

There doesn't seem to be much point in seeing either psychiatrist again at this point, they're both more or less uninterested in seeing me unless I'm presenting TO THEM as stereotypically female dressed or horribly depressed.

I don't know if this is relevant, but in your last post you said 'psychiatrist' each time.  I've never seen a psychiatrist.  The woman I see is a clinical psychologist (who, incidently, doesn't specialize in gender issues).  One of my friends is also a psychologist (I'm not sure what flavor).  I know that she sometimes deals with people with gender issues. 

Do you have to see a psychiatrist?  That may narrow your selection.

(The little town I live in has one psychiatrist but is lousy with psychologists. :))

Just a thought.

- Kate

Quote from: K8 on September 22, 2009, 07:51:05 AM
I don't know if this is relevant, but in your last post you said 'psychiatrist' each time.  I've never seen a psychiatrist.  The woman I see is a clinical psychologist (who, incidently, doesn't specialize in gender issues).  One of my friends is also a psychologist (I'm not sure what flavor).  I know that she sometimes deals with people with gender issues. 

Do you have to see a psychiatrist?  That may narrow your selection.

(The little town I live in has one psychiatrist but is lousy with psychologists. :))

Just a thought.

- Kate

Yeah, I got their names more or less through the trans support website. Might have to see about finding one on my own.

Ironically maybe it'd be better to find someone who knows they know almost nothing.

My counselor has been very helpful to me.  I think she only dealt with one other TG person before me.  Sometimes I would get a little ahead of her, but she would be caught up by the next session.  There are some specific problems to TGs, but mostly it is about learning to be yourself and handling your problems and helping you over the rough spots.  I didn't need someone to tell me a timeline or any of that.  I needed (and continue to need) help handling my very human life.

Good luck, hun.

- Kate

I wish I had a counselor I could relate too, neither of the two people I've seen were very understanding. One substantially less than the other, but neither were what I'd call "friendly" or relatable. Sigh, guess I just have to keep trying. I just hate all this waiting, yes I know HRT is nothing but waiting... but that's just it, all this time I could be on HRT but I'm not.  ::)

Then of course there's the risk of hitting a major roadblock, like my neurologist simply saying HRT is out of the question. It's probably not that likely, but it still bothers me.

Still over a week before I see anybody again, but if I'm supposed waste 3 months in therapy, I'm still at square one on that.

Oh well, guess I just have to wait it out.  :)

heres what id do pick up the phone start dialing every phycologist in the area and ask point blank do you deal with tg if yes do i have to dress if yes do if no then yay you finally find one thats not an idiot lol ..... good luck hun
jessie

I wasn't going to post this, since posting about myself seems so egotistical (maybe I need one of those blog things  ::)), but I haven't posted an update in a while and for possibly the first time ever I have good news and I wanna share it.

I spoke to my neurologist today, she had NO problem with my being transgendered, not even a hint of surprise or disapproval, said that she saw no reason HRT would have any negative effect on my prognosis, and best of all said she was willing to notify any physician I like to attest to that opinion.

In that case, it's full speed ahead to trying to get hormones. I see my regular GP in a week and I'll ask her about it, if that doesn't go well, I have the other GP I can see 3 weeks after.  ;D

Good news! :eusa_clap:

And keep giving us updates.  This is a place to be egotistical and whine and moan and celebrate.  We're in very different places, geographically and in transition and in life, but we are all in this crazy enterprise together. ;)

Good luck, and let us know how the visit with the doc goes. :)

- Kate

Hey if it takes visiting in a dress, then dress up if it gets it done!

My own counseling was VERY short, a bunch of questionnaires an a bit of talk, took less than a half hour. As for living the part, well, I get around by motorcycle and wear practical stuff, so I was wearing jeans, paratrooper boots, t-shirt, and a black leather jacket, chest flattened down with a tight swimming suit top. It wasn't anything special for the visit, it's just what I wear when there's 50 miles and a mountain range between where I live and my clinic. I was just dressed as me.

So, you may want to consider dressing as you. Maybe not hyper-femme, just as you will when your HRT is well underway.

Quote from: Alex_C on October 05, 2009, 10:38:28 PM
Hey if it takes visiting in a dress, then dress up if it gets it done!

My own counseling was VERY short, a bunch of questionnaires an a bit of talk, took less than a half hour. As for living the part, well, I get around by motorcycle and wear practical stuff, so I was wearing jeans, paratrooper boots, t-shirt, and a black leather jacket, chest flattened down with a tight swimming suit top. It wasn't anything special for the visit, it's just what I wear when there's 50 miles and a mountain range between where I live and my clinic. I was just dressed as me.

So, you may want to consider dressing as you. Maybe not hyper-femme, just as you will when your HRT is well underway.

There's a few reasons I won't do the whole dressing thing, from least important to most...

A. I feel it's perpetuating a stereotype that exists in these peoples heads, and will only serve to make my life more miserable to satisfy their own standards of care which, as far as I can tell, exist only in their mind (I swear, the next time someone tells me "the standards of care require such and such", and their answer to my question of "where can I see these standards and who publishes them" is simply "iunno", I'm gonna get really irritated)
B. I don't think its gotten to the point where I feel I have no other options, I still have plenty of GP's, Psychiatrists and Psychologists I can try, one of them's bound to at least listen to what my views are and why I have them, at the very least one won't be able to pull the 'ol "the standards say you have to do this but I don't know where either of us can find a copy of them or who publishes them".
and C, and most importantly of all. How long am I expected to do this dressing thing for, neither of them were willing to give me a time frame, but the local grapevine seems to be saying "about a year".

If they expect me to go a year before I can start hormones, that's simply out of the question. I have lost 21 years of my life as of last week (happy birthday to me), I'm not wasting one year more just so I can satisfy these people and their outdated beliefs which would serve to help nobody in any way whatsoever, least of all me.

OK ok I understand but .....

If you're female are you going to be a female who dresses as a man?

Maybe there's a local TS group who can help you with this....

Quote from: Alex_C on October 05, 2009, 10:59:17 PM
OK ok I understand but .....

If you're female are you going to be a female who dresses as a man?

Maybe there's a local TS group who can help you with this....

I'll dress however I think suits me, which I don't see as frilly dresses, which ironically would make me stand out amongst other women my age.

But as I said, it's more the time thing than anything else. I'm not indulging these people for an indefinite period of time just so that I can watch my life disappear in front of me, I've lost enough of it as it is.

The ONLY thing I care about is improving my life, I will do whatever I think it takes to do that, and right now I don't think playing into these peoples stereotypes is the best way to go about it. In short, that's why I'm not doing it.

That's the suggestion I'm throwing in here, not to dress in a way you'd normally not, but to dress in the way you WILL. Dress like other women your age.

I'm a working-class biker kinda guy, I wear practical clothes because that's ME. If I have the bike all cleaned and detailed, myself all freshly showered and shaved, boots polished etc and my favorite T-shirt, all spiffy and clean, I feel like a million bucks.

So, I suggest thinking ahead a bit to what your ideal is, and start getting a good wardrobe together. It takes time.

Quote from: Alex_C on October 05, 2009, 11:19:18 PM
That's the suggestion I'm throwing in here, not to dress in a way you'd normally not, but to dress in the way you WILL. Dress like other women your age.

I'm a working-class biker kinda guy, I wear practical clothes because that's ME. If I have the bike all cleaned and detailed, myself all freshly showered and shaved, boots polished etc and my favorite T-shirt, all spiffy and clean, I feel like a million bucks.

So, I suggest thinking ahead a bit to what your ideal is, and start getting a good wardrobe together. It takes time.

I don't think that'd fly with either of the two psychiatrists I've seen, they seem to be all in for stereotype.

And the only reason to do it, is for their benefit. To suit their beliefs on how to treat TS's based on what they've done for their former patients. It certainly wouldn't be for my benefit.

Anyway, for the time being it's a bit of a moot point, I'm not seeing any psychiatrists at the moment because one wasn't willing to listen to anything I had to say, and was dismissive and told me "it's best not to fight the system", and I damn well will fight the system when it's my entire life we're talking about and the system's holding me back (which as far as I can tell it's not, it's the personal opinions of the two psychiatrists I've seen, and until someone's willing to show me evidence to the contrary, which suspiciously neither could elaborate on at all). And the other one I saw was willing to listen to what I had to say, but dismissed it regardless.

I'm not fond of either of them, one I'm definitely not going to see again, and the others unlikely, last time she only saw me for like 20 minutes until the session ran out of time all of a sudden, either way it's not long enough to discuss anything. So I'm in the market for a new one, so the whole dressing thing is irrelevant as far as pleasing them.

I will dress in what I will when I am, when I have the opportunity to live that life.

The thing to understand is that my entire life, as it is now, is essentially in a giant state of pause, I could not be more ideal for transition socially because I have no friends, no job, no family apart from my mum who's with me 100% in this (ok I have other family but I never see any of them), and very little in the way of previous information about my old life that's still around or relevant.

I don't live a male life even now because I don't have a life, it's sad but it's true.

Dressing in any way other than the way I do now (which is pretty unisex as it is) would be entirely artificial.

I am not a cross dresser, I never have been, I never will be, clothes are just clothes to me, so changing what I wear for an indefinite amount of time to meet standards of care nobodies been able to produce, give any indication where to find, for me OR for them, or tell me who publishes, seems crazy to me.

actually you dont need therapy to get hrt i just found that out today you need an endo whos willing to give them to you. in the us there is no law that says you must see a therapist i dont know about your area work directly with the docs it may be easier.

Quote from: jesse on October 06, 2009, 03:00:26 AM
actually you dont need therapy to get hrt i just found that out today you need an endo whos willing to give them to you. in the us there is no law that says you must see a therapist i dont know about your area work directly with the docs it may be easier.

Saddly I'm not in the US, but as far as I know the same's technically true of here as well, the problem is finding someone willing to do something.

I'm still searching, but it's the holiday season and there's a lot of waiting right now.

My GP has been very nice and helpful in the past, I'm hoping she'll be willing to help, I see her next week. Wish me luck.  ;D

good luck remember though even when your on them you will need someone to monitor your levels a speacialist or a gp if they can do it were you live hrt can cause serious health issues if they are out of whack
jessica

Quote from: jesse on October 06, 2009, 03:47:50 AM
good luck remember though even when your on them you will need someone to monitor your levels a speacialist or a gp if they can do it were you live hrt can cause serious health issues if they are out of whack
jessica

That was the whole idea of getting doctors involved rather than trying to self medicate (a taboo subject here I know), but it seems like everyone I see knows even less than I do.

One of the doctors I'm going to see, the seemingly only one who specializes in TS in this entire city, I have reason to believe may be prescribing people a typical course of contraceptive pills (as in the dosage and regimen identical to use as a contraceptive pill, leaving aside the issue of using contraceptive pills for HRT at all), AND without any medical supervision.

I've never met this woman, so hopefully she's more competent than what I've heard, but I'm starting to wonder if my own doctor isn't a better bet.

So, in short...

I have 3 medical professionals experienced in transgender issues, 2 I've seen, 1 I'll see first thing in November.

One said the standards of care dictate that you need to dress as a female before you can be offered hormones. Couldn't tell me where to find those standards, or appeared to have any copy of her own, or tell me who published them.

I have another one that also said the standards of care dictate that, referred to the standards that at least exist for my state, but don't in fact say that, and while acknowledge that the SoC may in fact not say that, said she didn't care.

And I have the doctor I have yet to meet, who has been said by two separate individuals now to also require the dressing, though in an article written by her on the transgender support website implies the opposite (that HRT is easy to get once a psychologist or psychiatrist has diagnosed you with gender identity disorder), and I've been told by someone else is prescribing people a contraceptive dosage of birth control pills without any blood monitoring.

In other words, this entire situation is officially insane.  ::)

So far the only people remotely helpful have been the people who in no way specialize in trans issues, my neurologist and regular doctor.

i think your going to run into a lot of this. i just talked to an endo office today (4 Docs) after explaining for 15 mins to the nurse/receptionist what i needed and was told that the four of them dont specialize in hrt for transgenders ?????? wtf lol then they said i should go to trinadad hosp????
again wtf trinidad is where they do srs surgery. im sure they can handle hrt but its 200 miles away and since when does an endo not monitore hormones

Asfsd4214, you have every right to be frustrated.  This whole runaround you've been getting must be driving you crazy - and it isn't even you who is crazy.

My GP prescribed my HRT and is monitoring the effects.  (I just saw him yesterday.)  He didn't require a letter, just me asking him.  But I've known him for years.  I don't think he would have done it if I just walked in the door, unknown.

The SoC is a guideine.  Most therapists and doctors will follow it because it is a good guideline and following it can minimize problems.  But it is still a guideline.  Your problem is that the quacks you've seen seem to have some fictional SoC in their head.  Other than printing out a copy and carrying it with you, I don't know what you can do.

I agree with you about the dressing.  This isn't about dressing.  It is about being the person you are and becoming the person you need to become.  Sommewhere in your area is a doctor or therapist with some sense who will help you on your journey.  Good luck!

(And friends can be very helpful.  I couldn't be transitioning without friends.  Not all of us need them, but if I could give you anything, it would be an understanding friend.  Well, after I found you an understanding doctor. ::))

*hugs*
Kate

Quote from: K8 on October 06, 2009, 08:13:19 AM
The SoC is a guideine.  Most therapists and doctors will follow it because it is a good guideline and following it can minimize problems.  But it is still a guideline.  Your problem is that the quacks you've seen seem to have some fictional SoC in their head.  Other than printing out a copy and carrying it with you, I don't know what you can do.

I actually did bring a copy with me last time I went to see a psychiatrist, I didn't even need to produce it because as soon as I implied that the standards of care I had read did not require what she suggested, she, to her credit, at least acknowledged that the standards of care may in fact say something different to what she recalls, but that she would still require it in order to recommend me for hormones.

To say it the way she said it... "because you haven't done the other things that you would normally be doing at this stage, I'm reluctant to recommend you for hormone therapy".

So now, I need to wait a few more days to see my doctor, if she's not willing to help, that's when things really get fun.

If she's not willing to help me, 3 weeks later I see the seemingly one and only doctor in the entire state who specializes in transgender issues.

Its been an amazing experience leading up to meeting her, this is what I know so far...

Both of the psychiatrists I've seen have said to see her.
One of them said that she too would be expecting me to dress up if I wanted hormones.
Another individual I have spoken too also said she would expect people to dress up for a year before getting hormones.
Word is even when she agrees to hormones, she's prescribing people contraceptive doses of birth control pills, without blood monitoring.

However....

The standards of care for my state, the ones that do exist, have her name on them, listed as "reviewed by", these standards of care require no such thing, and are nearly identical to the ones published by WPATH, stating either a period of 3 months RLT or 3 months counseling are required.
I've read an article supposedly written by her, in which she seems like a reasonable person, where she says hormones "are easy" to obtain once a psychiatrist or psychologist has "assessed you".

So god only knows what the truth is. Maybe my own doctor will be willing to help and I won't have to find out.

But if and when I do see her, trust me I'll have a copy of the standards that have her name on them with me, and if she requires something other than what is said by the standards and implied by her article, I'm going to want to know why these standards are not being followed by the very person likely involved in deriving them from the WPATH version.

Can't wait to see how all this turns out.  ::)

Why do I always hear the theme from Twilight Zone when I read your posts?

I've been crossdressing since I was 9.  Both my doctor and therapist knew about it long before I started working on my gender issues.  The only thing I can figure is that it is usually the one physical manifestation of GID that can be seen from the outside, so they're grabbing onto it.  When you talk about having to dress for a year before hormones, they can't mean that you have to walk around 24/7 in women's clothes for a year, do they?

(Darn, there's that music again... )

Good luck, sweetie. :-*  Let us know how you do.

- Kate

Hey everyone, just a little update on how unbelievably, insanely bizarre and messed up my life continues to be.

Its been a pretty bad few days, depression, depression and more depression, and not just my own.

My mum's been pretty depressed lately, fighting with me, scared that I have no future, scared that she has no future, and that's brought me down too thinking she might be right. She has this entire perception of me as a guy, one I've deliberately perpetuated for years and I worry that no matter what I do, she'll never be able to see anyone else.

It might also be that my neurologist put me on a short course of Prednisone, great stuff in that within a day my MS symptoms started to feel the best they had in weeks, bad in that it's a pretty powerful drug, and can cause depression, especially now that I'm off it again.

I went to see my regular doctor, I explained to her exactly what the whole situation was. In the beginning I just told her I had gender issues and wanted to see a psychiatrist, at the time I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. This time I simply told her everything. That I wanted to transition, the insanity that has been dealing with psychiatrists, etc. Also adding to the strangeness, apparently my psychiatrist sent my doctor a letter indicating that I didn't want hormone therapy at this stage...

Who knows what that's about, but I made it pretty clear that that's exactly the opposite of what I want. She was very helpful as usual, she said she simply didn't know enough about transgender medical care, that she couldn't at this point prescribe hormones until she had time to consult with people like endocrinologists to make sure she's not doing anything harmful. But that she was sure we could work something out to help me and gave me the impression that her prescribing hormones isn't out of the question, she just doesn't know enough about the process.

She said she'd get in contact with relevant people around and get back to me within a week or so, with what she could find out.

So it went about as well as I could realistically expect.

So now I just have to wait until she gets back to me and take it from there.

But lately I've just felt like there's no escape. I feel like maybe it's too late.

On the one hand I wonder if I could pretend to be a guy, start a life as a guy (not really having any to speak of right now). But I just think that even if I could do that, I'd be lying to myself, and in the long run I'd just end up right back here again, more depressed than ever.

On the other I worry that maybe I'm too old for transition. Greatest respect for those who transition and live their lives as openly transgender, but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do that. I'm not sure I could handle people thinking that about me.

I just want more than anything to be able to have a normal life one day, but I feel trapped between the options of living an abnormal life being seen as a transwoman and not a "real" woman. And living as a reclusive abnormal "guy", because I just can't cope with dealing with people seeing me as a guy.

Is it possible to transition at 21 and for all visible purposes pass as female? I guess that's what I want to know. Or will close inspection (from sight) always reveal the truth of my male puberty?

I just feel so trapped, like I'm in a cell in my mind able to look outside but not GET outside. And I worry that I'm just delusional about everything.

BTW, I'm not sure advising me to see a therapist will do much good, I've been there and done that and I've only ever felt worse when I've left than when I went in.

Anyway, thanks for listening to me ramble on. As always any replies are appreciated.

Therapy can feel worse before it starts feeling better.

And 21 is very young.

Quote from: Miniar on October 13, 2009, 05:55:13 PM
Therapy can feel worse before it starts feeling better.

And 21 is very young.

I'm just not sure I can take feeling much worse than I do already.

I know 21 is young, but it still feel's like it's too late, that nobody will ever see me and think I'm female as opposed to "a guy who's transitioned to female". Which is funny because I was at breakfast with my mum the other day, and some woman looked over and said "excuse me but I just had to say you two ladies have the most gorgeous skin tone", threw me for a bit of a loop.

There's just constant nonstop questioning in my mind, I can't think a single thing without part of my mind questioning it, then questioning the questioning, and I can't escape thinking about it. I haven't been able to think about anything else for more than a few minutes every waking moment of my life for months, and it's just getting to the point where I don't know if I can cope with it anymore.

The only thing keeping me sane is the idea that maybe all my doubts are just chemical crap going on in my brain, that I'm not seeing things the way they really are but some depression induced shroud over everything. That things aren't nearly as bad as they seem. I said that to my mum but she seems closed to that idea and seems pretty confident things are every bit as bad as they seem.

Hi asfsd.  It's good to hear from you again.  I'm sorry you've been so depressed lately.  Drugs will do that to you, and trying to transition but not being able to start will do it to you – double for nothing!

Quote from: asfsd4214 on October 13, 2009, 05:50:38 PM
She was very helpful as usual, she said she simply didn't know enough about transgender medical care, that she couldn't at this point prescribe hormones until she had time to consult with people like endocrinologists to make sure she's not doing anything harmful. But that she was sure we could work something out to help me and gave me the impression that her prescribing hormones isn't out of the question, she just doesn't know enough about the process.

She said she'd get in contact with relevant people around and get back to me within a week or so, with what she could find out.

That's pretty much what happened when I went to my regular doctor.  He warned me that he didn't know much about it and would have to research it.  A week later I went to see him and he prescribed HRT for me.  I hope this is how it works out for you.

I started transitioning at 65, so 21 is so long ago I can't remember much about it other than be amazed that I survived those years. 

One of my big fears was that I would get stuck in-between.  That stopped me for a long time.  I also didn't want to be a "->-bleeped-<-" – I wanted to be a woman.  Still more blockage.  (We do build up a lot of barriers within us. :P) 

I'm less than 6 months full time, just over 6 months HRT.  At least 1,000 people in town and nearby towns know I am transsexual or at least that I used to present male and now present female.  My transition is hardly a secret.  But I still get treated as a woman by strangers.  If I can usually pass at my age and only 6 months HRT, just think what is possible for you at 21!

Quote from: asfsd4214 on October 13, 2009, 05:50:38 PM
On the one hand I wonder if I could pretend to be a guy, start a life as a guy (not really having any to speak of right now). But I just think that even if I could do that, I'd be lying to myself, and in the long run I'd just end up right back here again, more depressed than ever.

Start your life as a person – male or female makes no difference.  It doesn't do you any good to remain on hold like this.  Starting your life (guy or gal) will help you develop skills you will need whatever you do.  Trying to transition with no social or professional skills will make it that much harder.  And transitioning is hard enough as it is.

Quote from: asfsd4214 on October 13, 2009, 06:15:49 PM
The only thing keeping me sane is the idea that maybe all my doubts are just chemical crap going on in my brain, that I'm not seeing things the way they really are but some depression induced shroud over everything.  That things aren't nearly as bad as they seem.

Doubts are very normal.  Even without chemicals, you will have doubts.  This is a big thing.  Of course you will have doubts.

And don't worry about your mum.  She is worried about you because you are stopped and depressed.  You want to travel a road that has a lot of unknowns and potential hazards.  That's hard for a mother, seeing her child in this position.  If you can get going on your life, transition or no, your mum will start to feel better about you.

Get going!

*hugs*
Kate

Quote from: K8 on October 13, 2009, 07:05:06 PM
Hi asfsd.  It's good to hear from you again.  I'm sorry you've been so depressed lately.  Drugs will do that to you, and trying to transition but not being able to start will do it to you – double for nothing!

That's pretty much what happened when I went to my regular doctor.  He warned me that he didn't know much about it and would have to research it.  A week later I went to see him and he prescribed HRT for me.  I hope this is how it works out for you.

I started transitioning at 65, so 21 is so long ago I can't remember much about it other than be amazed that I survived those years. 

One of my big fears was that I would get stuck in-between.  That stopped me for a long time.  I also didn't want to be a "->-bleeped-<-" – I wanted to be a woman.  Still more blockage.  (We do build up a lot of barriers within us. :P) 

I'm less than 6 months full time, just over 6 months HRT.  At least 1,000 people in town and nearby towns know I am transsexual or at least that I used to present male and now present female.  My transition is hardly a secret.  But I still get treated as a woman by strangers.  If I can usually pass at my age and only 6 months HRT, just think what is possible for you at 21!

Start your life as a person – male or female makes no difference.  It doesn't do you any good to remain on hold like this.  Starting your life (guy or gal) will help you develop skills you will need whatever you do.  Trying to transition with no social or professional skills will make it that much harder.  And transitioning is hard enough as it is.

Doubts are very normal.  Even without chemicals, you will have doubts.  This is a big thing.  Of course you will have doubts.

And don't worry about your mum.  She is worried about you because you are stopped and depressed.  You want to travel a road that has a lot of unknowns and potential hazards.  That's hard for a mother, seeing her child in this position.  If you can get going on your life, transition or no, your mum will start to feel better about you.

Get going!

*hugs*
Kate

Believe me there's nothing I'd rather be doing more than living my life, I just don't think I can do it without transitioning. The primary reason I don't have a life now is because I simply chose to stay detached and separate from any friends I made because I felt like I couldn't be apart of their world as a guy.

This time last year I was in TAFE (similar to community colleges in the US) doing a diploma, I made quite a few friends there but I simply went out of contact with them because I didn't feel like I could act naturally around them, I can't really explain it. But I felt like I couldn't be around people as a guy. After that I tried going to university, technically I'm still enrolled but on deferred leave. I quickly broke down and couldn't keep attending because I just couldn't stand feeling this way, and most of all, seeing so many other people all the time doing what I wanted to be doing.

I just can't be a guy, I can't do anything feeling like I'm trapped in this body just pretending to be like other guys because being around people makes me too depressed at what I feel like I can't have.

And I think my mum's just worried because she only knows this weird guy roll I've played as for years. For years I would intentionally not say what I was thinking and not show any emotion I wanted to keep up the appearance that everything was normal, but I've gone so far with that I don't know if she'll ever be able to believe I'm anything else.

I want so badly to be able to talk to her about everything that's been going on with me all this time, all this stuff she doesn't know about me, but I worry that she won't be able to believe it. And right now I can't say anything to her without her getting angry with me, so until she feels better I don't know if she's willing to even hear it.

how about just dropping her a note saying mom i need to talk to you about my life and whats been going on with me when you feel better and can talk to me w/o getting angry with me ill be waiting

just a possible way to open the door i dont know if others might have a suggestion or two
jessica

Quote from: K8 on October 14, 2009, 06:45:18 PM
You aren't doing yourself any good this way.  Transition is not the answer.  It is an answer but not the answer.  Putting all your eggs in one basket is never a good idea, especially in such a complex basket as transition.  You are putting too much stock into this one thing – this one thing that for now you can't do.  OK, you can't do it.  Do something else!

For now, live your life as though you will never transition.  Then, when you do transition it will be like a gift from the gods and you will love it even more.

Sweetie, you need to help yourself.  Get some help.  Please.

- Kate

I know you're just trying to help, I asked for advice and as always I appreciate it, but this time all I can say is I can't follow it. You're not me and I'm not you, but I have to trust in what I believe is the right thing for me, and this is what it is.

And I can't live life as a guy, I don't need to try it because I've already been there and done that. Lets say I called up the friends I haven't seen in months, or went to university. All that will happen is I will be pretending again. I'll do the whole acting like a guy thing, feeling like a pretender, like I'm an observer just watching the whole male side of things but not really being apart of it. And eventually I'll just get to a point where I'll fall into a depression again, only this time it will be so much worse because I'll know I could have been so much further in my life than I had been.

I wasn't that far away from suicide this time, if I get to that point again I'm afraid I might just give up all together.

I can't keep living this way, and that's exactly why I HAVE to transition.

You said I should stop living so much in my head, but that's all I have ever lived. Even when I was acting like a guy I was living in my head. And I feel like the only way to get out of it is transition.

Maybe you're right, and transition isn't the answer. But my life experiences have brought me to this place, and all I can do is trust in what I believe. And what I believe is that there's no reason to think not changing anything will change anything.

I appreciate the advice, but I can't attack my isolation separately from my GID. Could I go out, meet people, make friends as a guy? Sure. But would I stop being isolated? No. The only reason to not transition now is if I could be happy as a guy, feel like a guy. And I don't think I can. If I could, it would have happened back when I didn't understand my feelings and was trying to be like a guy. If it didn't happen before even I realized, why should I expect it to happen now that I do?

EDIT: I'd just like to add that to me, this IS me helping myself. Not getting help is what I did for 10 years. I felt like I couldn't do anything as a male, and I still do. I want more than anything else to have a life, but I can't do that in a way that would feel real for me pretending to be a guy. I don't like being isolated from society, I hate not getting to be around people. But even at the most social times in my life, I felt like I was this outsider looking in. Like I was female getting to see how males live. I'm being totally honest in saying that. Now that I understand that transition is possible, I can't keep living that way.

So I hope you understand that, from my perspective, there is no helping me before transition, only helping me with transition.

And maybe I'm wrong and don't even see it. I don't believe I am, but if I am, at least I'll know I did the best I could. If I were to not transition now because "maybe" what I think is right is wrong, and it turns out I was right after all, I might end up killing myself.

So I understand where you're coming from, but from where I'm standing, I have to follow what seems right to me.

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Post Merge: October 19, 2009, 01:41:41 AM

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So, mini (and possibly last) update time.

Spoke to my doctor about an hour ago, she referred me to an endocrinologist with experience in trans issues and she says is potentially willing to start me on hormones sooner rather than later, but also recommends I see a psychiatrist. She told me what the psychiatrist had told her, and my impression is that she too won't recommend me unless I'm presenting as female already, and expressed concern that I'm doing this so young (21).

We had a nice chat, she demonstrated what she herself confessed is her complete ignorance in trans issues (asking me if I was homosexual, stuff like that), and I made the point that the moment I feel that obtaining hormones legally in a reasonable time frame is a lost cause, I will get them from somewhere else. Yes, I know, taboo subject here in susans. But I have tried everything within my power to do this legally, I have seen 2 psychiatrists, 1 general practitioner, have an appointment with another psychiatrist, an endocrinologist, and a 2nd general practitioner. And if the endo and 2nd GP don't work out, then that's it, pretty much out of any option that doesn't require indefinite public humiliation which benefits me in no way whatsoever. So anyway, her response was that if I decided to do she will simply cease to be my doctor, I told her that I understand her decision, that I hoped it won't come to that, but that the situation is what it is.

So yeah, that's pretty much my situation. Either the endo is willing to help (possible), the 2nd GP is willing to help (from what I'm hearing, unlikely), or I'm pretty much out of options except for self-medication or being stuck like this.

And no K8, I am NOT starting a male life of unhappiness and mental distress as an alternative. Either this will work out, or it won't. But doing nothing is simply not an option for me.

Hopefully I'll find a legal avenue, but if I don't, I guess this is it for my participation on susan's. Thanks to everyone who offered advice, whether I agree with it or not.