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Title: need advice
Post by: themom on September 20, 2006, 04:53:52 PM
Post by: themom on September 20, 2006, 04:53:52 PM
Hi,
I'm really hoping to find some advice and guidance. I have a young son, just about to turn seven. My family, a counsellor and I believe there is a strong possibility that he may be transgender. How do I confirm this or can I? How do I support him? How can I protect him? Generally speaking, I need all the info I can possibly get my hands on. If needed, I can go into details regarding why we all believe he is TG? If this is needed, please let me know. Thank you in advance for your help.
The Mom
I'm really hoping to find some advice and guidance. I have a young son, just about to turn seven. My family, a counsellor and I believe there is a strong possibility that he may be transgender. How do I confirm this or can I? How do I support him? How can I protect him? Generally speaking, I need all the info I can possibly get my hands on. If needed, I can go into details regarding why we all believe he is TG? If this is needed, please let me know. Thank you in advance for your help.
The Mom
Title: Re: need advice
Post by: amberctm on September 20, 2006, 05:46:39 PM
Post by: amberctm on September 20, 2006, 05:46:39 PM
Hi!
You have a very interesting situation. I have two young children,A boy and girl and I'm a trans woman. I no expert but I will give you my opinion. :) First off it is great that your seeking information early. It will be very useful down the road. The first thing you can do is let him be whom ever he feels. As for protecting him, you have already started. Just use the information to educate others that may come into contact with your son. Educating yourself and others is key, I go to college full time and I feel like I'm doing more educating than getting educated. ;D But some times it's the only way, I don't mind, it raises public awareness. Thats all I really have, I'm sure someone else will chime in soon. Take care and good luck!! :)
Amber
You have a very interesting situation. I have two young children,A boy and girl and I'm a trans woman. I no expert but I will give you my opinion. :) First off it is great that your seeking information early. It will be very useful down the road. The first thing you can do is let him be whom ever he feels. As for protecting him, you have already started. Just use the information to educate others that may come into contact with your son. Educating yourself and others is key, I go to college full time and I feel like I'm doing more educating than getting educated. ;D But some times it's the only way, I don't mind, it raises public awareness. Thats all I really have, I'm sure someone else will chime in soon. Take care and good luck!! :)
Amber
Title: Re: need advice
Post by: tinkerbell on September 20, 2006, 06:00:05 PM
Post by: tinkerbell on September 20, 2006, 06:00:05 PM
Hello Mom,
Welcome to Susan's. I'm very happy that you found us. This is one of the best websites where support and information are our main goals. Please feel free to explore all the forums, get familiar with the site rules here (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html), and visit our wiki (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Main_Page) where you will find many great articles concerning transgender issues. You may also try our chatroom to talk to some of our members or ask questions.
The only person who can confirm a diagnosis in transsexualism is a gender therapist. I know of a few gender therapists in California (mine included) who treat children as young as five years of age. There's in fact an article in our wiki which deals with transsexual youth. Please take a second to review it here (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transsexual_children).
Thank you so much for posting an introduction; we look forward to your future posts.
tinkerbell :icon_chick:
Welcome to Susan's. I'm very happy that you found us. This is one of the best websites where support and information are our main goals. Please feel free to explore all the forums, get familiar with the site rules here (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html), and visit our wiki (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Main_Page) where you will find many great articles concerning transgender issues. You may also try our chatroom to talk to some of our members or ask questions.
The only person who can confirm a diagnosis in transsexualism is a gender therapist. I know of a few gender therapists in California (mine included) who treat children as young as five years of age. There's in fact an article in our wiki which deals with transsexual youth. Please take a second to review it here (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transsexual_children).
Thank you so much for posting an introduction; we look forward to your future posts.
tinkerbell :icon_chick:
Title: Re: need advice
Post by: stephanie_craxford on September 20, 2006, 06:46:57 PM
Post by: stephanie_craxford on September 20, 2006, 06:46:57 PM
Quote from: themom on September 20, 2006, 04:53:52 PM
Hi,
I'm really hoping to find some advice and guidance. I have a young son, just about to turn seven. My family, a counsellor and I believe there is a strong possibility that he may be transgender. How do I confirm this or can I? How do I support him? How can I protect him? Generally speaking, I need all the info I can possibly get my hands on. If needed, I can go into details regarding why we all believe he is TG? If this is needed, please let me know. Thank you in advance for your help.
The Mom
Hello there.
Welcome to Susan's.
I hope that we can provide the advice and information that you are looking for as there is a ton of it here to go through. As amber said you have already started to support him in the way that you are obviously concerned for him. As you have offered... for the members to give any advice they really do need a little more information from you with regards to why you feel that your son is TG. Just be aware that the advice given is based on experience and knowledge and should not be considered medically sound. However having said that I can guarantee that you will get some of the best advice that's available out there on these issues.
Not knowing all the details and sticking my neck out... Personally speaking I believe that your son is too young to understand what he is going through and what the possible consequences are of a diagnosis of GID. Furthermore I don't feel that therapy for him would not be very fruitful and may cause more harm than good. I believe that anything associated with this and any decisions made, must be made by the person involved - your son. Forgive me if I sound forward but I really believe that parents should not be making life changing decisions for their children, especially if it comes down to a son wanting to be a girl as this is something that the person involved has to deal with.
At this point in time I feel that the best thing that you can do is to continue doing what you are doing seek help and advice for yourselves, continue to nurture your son, love, and support him with all your heart and souls no matter what transpires in the future. Many TS including myself have felt that we knew there was something different about ourselves at a very early age, some much younger than your son and some much older. However I don't believe that any of us realized what that difference was till later. Even if we had been in therapy I don't believe that it would have helped. Should your son go into therapy and is diagnosed with GID what will you do then, start raising him as a girl? I think not as that could have catastrophic consequences for him, and that is why that it is important that he makes that decision for himself, he has to be in control but you need to support him in any decisions he makes.
Now I know that many here will disagree with what I have said and that's what makes Susan such a great place. You will get a ton of different views, feelings, beliefs and advice, and hopefully you find what you are looking for. If not just remember that you are not alone out there, if nothing else this is a place to air your thoughts and views.
Steph
Title: Re: need advice
Post by: themom on September 20, 2006, 09:42:35 PM
Post by: themom on September 20, 2006, 09:42:35 PM
Thank you so much for your responses. I truly do appreciate them. And you're right, this is my son's body and life and I do not wish to interfer with whatever he finds natural, whether that be TG or male. I do however, want to ease any pains he may suffer. So, searching for advice and guidance, here we go.
One of my professors is a psychologist, so that's who I spoke with. She feels there is a 90% chance that he may be TG, at the very least, dealing with some form of gender confusion. To give you a fuller, more accurate picture, I would have to spew out a whack load of info. Our lives have been a convaluted chaos for the last few years and trying to figure out what might have had an impact and what not simply adds to all the confusion. So, I will dish all that I can think of at this time. Feel free to question, ignore, run for the hills or adivise, please.
For time's sake, I will do this in point form, well, I'll try, bare with me ;). Umm, gosh, harder than I thought...
1. his dad was abusive to me, my boy, T., witnessed many occasions where his father would grab me in a sexual fashion and continue to do so despite me begging him to stop.
2. after the seperation, his dad became physically abusive, which he did witness.
3. we had to move into a women's shelter
4. he had not 1, nor 2 but 3 sisters, all of whom are high achievers, 2 are older than he. 9, 8, T is turning 7, little one is 5.
5. no other male in the house.
6. my mom moved into our home after having to flee an abusive spouse.
7. he witness a male babysitter molest his sisters.
8. he has been diagnosed with O.D.D.
9. he wants to grow long nails, he says they're pretty
10. wants to have his ears peirced
11. his fav toy is a barbie
12. he loves to dress up dolls
13. he sleeps with more stuffies than his sisters do, all of which he dresses up in pretty or cute clothing
14. he has always wanted to wear make-up and nail polish, since he was old enough to walk
15. he tries to sneak his sister's underwear under his own
16. he tries on my bras and stuffs them
17. he wears his sister's bra under his clothes at night
18. he wants to wear my clothes to bed
19. one day he was hiding behind his bed and when my mom asked him what he was doing, he said it was private and go away: he was trying on pantyhose
20. he has told my mom he never wants to be a man
21. he has tried to touch his sister in an inappropriete fashion
22. as per psychologist's advice, I asked him today why he liked to wear girl's clothes, nothing was wrong with him and that I loved him no matter what and the poor boy gave a huge sigh of relief, smiled the biggest smile I've seen in a long time and said, "cause I wanna be a girl". He has been peaceful and happy since that statement. However, he also said he wanted to be a girl because they are better at everything and then he wouldn't fight with his sisters anymore, be a better part of the family.
So, as you can see, there are soooo many factors here that my head is spinning. Have there just been too many negative male role models that he thinks that's all a man can be and he doesn't want to be that way? Or is it just that he is dealing with behavior issues that his sisters aren't facing and figures that he is having problems because he's a boy? Is this just a phase? Or is he possibly a TG? The last thing I want to do is some irreparable damage, but I also don't want to sit docily by and have him struggle all alone, feeling abandoned and rejected. Any advice or opinions or input would be much appreciated. Thank and sorry for spewing, I'll try to clean it up next time ;D
One of my professors is a psychologist, so that's who I spoke with. She feels there is a 90% chance that he may be TG, at the very least, dealing with some form of gender confusion. To give you a fuller, more accurate picture, I would have to spew out a whack load of info. Our lives have been a convaluted chaos for the last few years and trying to figure out what might have had an impact and what not simply adds to all the confusion. So, I will dish all that I can think of at this time. Feel free to question, ignore, run for the hills or adivise, please.
For time's sake, I will do this in point form, well, I'll try, bare with me ;). Umm, gosh, harder than I thought...
1. his dad was abusive to me, my boy, T., witnessed many occasions where his father would grab me in a sexual fashion and continue to do so despite me begging him to stop.
2. after the seperation, his dad became physically abusive, which he did witness.
3. we had to move into a women's shelter
4. he had not 1, nor 2 but 3 sisters, all of whom are high achievers, 2 are older than he. 9, 8, T is turning 7, little one is 5.
5. no other male in the house.
6. my mom moved into our home after having to flee an abusive spouse.
7. he witness a male babysitter molest his sisters.
8. he has been diagnosed with O.D.D.
9. he wants to grow long nails, he says they're pretty
10. wants to have his ears peirced
11. his fav toy is a barbie
12. he loves to dress up dolls
13. he sleeps with more stuffies than his sisters do, all of which he dresses up in pretty or cute clothing
14. he has always wanted to wear make-up and nail polish, since he was old enough to walk
15. he tries to sneak his sister's underwear under his own
16. he tries on my bras and stuffs them
17. he wears his sister's bra under his clothes at night
18. he wants to wear my clothes to bed
19. one day he was hiding behind his bed and when my mom asked him what he was doing, he said it was private and go away: he was trying on pantyhose
20. he has told my mom he never wants to be a man
21. he has tried to touch his sister in an inappropriete fashion
22. as per psychologist's advice, I asked him today why he liked to wear girl's clothes, nothing was wrong with him and that I loved him no matter what and the poor boy gave a huge sigh of relief, smiled the biggest smile I've seen in a long time and said, "cause I wanna be a girl". He has been peaceful and happy since that statement. However, he also said he wanted to be a girl because they are better at everything and then he wouldn't fight with his sisters anymore, be a better part of the family.
So, as you can see, there are soooo many factors here that my head is spinning. Have there just been too many negative male role models that he thinks that's all a man can be and he doesn't want to be that way? Or is it just that he is dealing with behavior issues that his sisters aren't facing and figures that he is having problems because he's a boy? Is this just a phase? Or is he possibly a TG? The last thing I want to do is some irreparable damage, but I also don't want to sit docily by and have him struggle all alone, feeling abandoned and rejected. Any advice or opinions or input would be much appreciated. Thank and sorry for spewing, I'll try to clean it up next time ;D
Title: Re: need advice
Post by: Buffy on September 20, 2006, 09:51:28 PM
Post by: Buffy on September 20, 2006, 09:51:28 PM
Quote from: themom on September 20, 2006, 04:53:52 PM
Hi,
I'm really hoping to find some advice and guidance. I have a young son, just about to turn seven. My family, a counsellor and I believe there is a strong possibility that he may be transgender. How do I confirm this or can I? How do I support him? How can I protect him? Generally speaking, I need all the info I can possibly get my hands on. If needed, I can go into details regarding why we all believe he is TG? If this is needed, please let me know. Thank you in advance for your help.
The Mom
Hi Mom....
To come to Susans, you have already started on the road to helping your son. There is much information here and many peoples experiences can be related about their feelings from what for some of us started at an early age.
As soon as we are born, we start on a road of gender consitioning based on our biological sex..."it is a boy, it is a girl etc... is based on our Genitalia and we are then then dressed in pink, or blue accordingly and sent down a path that will condition us for adult roles later in life.
The early years of anyones life are about learning, exploration of our small (but ever increasing world) and part of this is role play and learning about the opposite gender, which at times means crossing the borders of fantasy and enjoying playing both with girls and their toys and also acting like being a girl... I will talk about my own story later.
Your son is indeed very young and although he may have these feelings of wishing to be a girl, it is far to early to label him with GID or a potential transsexual in the making. Support, not only for him (but for you also) is critical in these early years and I echo everything that Steph has said around therapy, Counselloring and support.... It is vitaly important your feelings and fears are brought into this equation and for you to be here is very important.
Biological sex and identified Gender are seperate. That is one thing to understand, Sex can be assigned by whats between our legs (or our Chromosomes), while Gender is how we feel and what is between our ears. On conception every Foetus starts of Female, but with a dose of hormones in early pregnancy, the development of a male child starts or does it?.... In some cases the development of the brain, can basically remain , wired to the female structure and although the genetalia form, basically the brain will remain Female.... A situation that can lead to Gender confusion, Gender anguish later in life, but through out life.
When I was 5 I asked for a nurses outfit for Christmas. When I was 6, I wrote a letter to Father Christmas and the only thing on that letter where the words "Dear Father Christmas... I wish I was a girl"... That started a chain of events which 38 years later ended in me going from a shy, reserved, depressed guy, to a confident, happy and outgoing woman.
The part in between involved, lots of visits to child therapists, lots of depression and lots of pain and anguish as I personally struggled with who I was, you can never escape this no matter how you try. My parents never accepted that I had these feelings and I was forced into traditional boys play, roles and past times,which I basically hated and did not enjoy doing. This just made me more withdrawn and introverted as well as isolated.
I always related to girls better than boys, enjoyed playing with them and enjoyed the interaction and "gentleness" of girls play and cooperation rather that having to endure the rough and tumble world of boys play.
The difficult thing is that society has different standards and acceptance for boys and girls. Girls who grow up dressing in boys clothes or enjoying boys company and play are declared tomboys and assumed to grow out of it at a later stage. Boys who prefer girls play, enjoy girls company ( and wish to wear dresses) are lebelled sissy or deemed to be on the path to homosexuality, again this may or may not be true. Society has a hard enough time accepting or understanding this in adults, let alone children.
As I said...It is far to early for any true diagnosis of what your son may or may not be. What he needs is love, understanding and encouragement to enjoy his young life and to explore his own boundaries of Gender. He is at an age where he is beginning to understand the differences and this may just purely be the expoloration that goes with that.
As he grows up, if these feelings exist and grow, then it will become more evident that he does need treatment and help and support, just as you will as well. There is plenty of time for that.
The fact that you are here shows the level of support and love you have for your son.... what ever happens, never stop giving that to him, supportive parents later in life mean so much to us that have crossed the Gender boundary.
Becky
:icon_bunch:
Title: Re: need advice
Post by: Lori on September 20, 2006, 09:55:59 PM
Post by: Lori on September 20, 2006, 09:55:59 PM
Hello themom. I believe you asked how do I confirm this? My answer is to let him be who he wants to be. If he wants to be a she then let him be her. If that involves dresses and panties and dolls then so be it. In fact let him grow his hair long and dress him up. This will do one of two things. You want confirmation? This will get it. First it will either satisfy a curiosity if that is what it is. It is also giving him he support he needs. You give in and support the wishes no matter how extreme. He his your child. If this is a phase he will grow out of it soon enough and get tired of having long hair, pretty nails, girly shoes and tights. Having to put a ribbon in his hair, getting his ears pierced and playing house with dolls will soon become bothersome to a boy. If he is transgendered then you have a good head start on being a girl and you will know its not a phase.
How can you protect him? Well when in girl mode dont do it half cocked. Teach him how to act and behave like a girl. If he is really a she it will come naturaly anyhow and at such a young age deprogramming won't be so hard. Dress him properly as a girl so it wont draw attention. Let your family members know and the nieghbors know if they ask questions. Kids do weird things at times and its not uncommon to see a little boy dressing up for whatever reason. You can protect by loving him. Be prepared to become an expert and learn how to explain what transgendered is.
I would like to point out that most people believe this is a sexual issue and that he is gay. Nothing could be farther from the truth. This is not about sex or sexual identity. Your sex is between your legs, your gender is between your ears. Your sex themom is a female because you have a vagina. You identify as a woman, lady, girl because you think and feel like one in your brain and your identity with who you feel you are and it is in line with what you see and feel with your body. That is your gender. This problem with your son may be about gender and gender identity. If he is a girl, the more you suppress it the worse it will be. The more you let it get out the happier everyone will be. Trust me on this. If its a phase then you will have experienced something very unique that not every mother has to deal with and may learn valuable lessons to help somebody else out in the future.
I'm 38 and have been dealing with this issue since I was five. I'm not an expert nor am I a professional. I just have experience. Mind you that you are careful where you get your information from. This is a very safe site. There is a ton of bad information out there. A lot of perversion exists on this planet. They, the experts, also really have no clue what causes this problem. There are several theories that it is a birth defect and happens in the womb. It could be genetic and they just have not found the gene yet. It could be a section of the hypothalamus in the BSTC region. Whatever the cause, I can assure you it is very real. Just because you cannot see it does not mean it doesnt exist.
Oprah had a show one day with children that were TG. One of the children tried to kill themselves. The dad would not let him be a girl. It didnt take to much convincing that dolls and dresses and having a daughter was better then going to his childs funeral. I'm not saying your son would be suicidal but if he is TG that possibility is very real and something to consider and look into and watch out for. By letting him be him/herself then you pretty much bypass that problem.
Does he sit down to pee? Maybe he is a transgendered person. Does his penis bother him? When puberty hits he may wonder why he is not getting breasts. Does he know the sexual differences between boys and girls? Has he seen a vagina and know the difference?
I have two girls in the house, 1 is 11 and the other is 7. The seven year old plays with dolls and is a major girl. The other one is about as boyish as they come. There are varying differences in the two but they are both girls. It sounds like your son is a girly girl.
How can you protect him? Well when in girl mode dont do it half cocked. Teach him how to act and behave like a girl. If he is really a she it will come naturaly anyhow and at such a young age deprogramming won't be so hard. Dress him properly as a girl so it wont draw attention. Let your family members know and the nieghbors know if they ask questions. Kids do weird things at times and its not uncommon to see a little boy dressing up for whatever reason. You can protect by loving him. Be prepared to become an expert and learn how to explain what transgendered is.
I would like to point out that most people believe this is a sexual issue and that he is gay. Nothing could be farther from the truth. This is not about sex or sexual identity. Your sex is between your legs, your gender is between your ears. Your sex themom is a female because you have a vagina. You identify as a woman, lady, girl because you think and feel like one in your brain and your identity with who you feel you are and it is in line with what you see and feel with your body. That is your gender. This problem with your son may be about gender and gender identity. If he is a girl, the more you suppress it the worse it will be. The more you let it get out the happier everyone will be. Trust me on this. If its a phase then you will have experienced something very unique that not every mother has to deal with and may learn valuable lessons to help somebody else out in the future.
I'm 38 and have been dealing with this issue since I was five. I'm not an expert nor am I a professional. I just have experience. Mind you that you are careful where you get your information from. This is a very safe site. There is a ton of bad information out there. A lot of perversion exists on this planet. They, the experts, also really have no clue what causes this problem. There are several theories that it is a birth defect and happens in the womb. It could be genetic and they just have not found the gene yet. It could be a section of the hypothalamus in the BSTC region. Whatever the cause, I can assure you it is very real. Just because you cannot see it does not mean it doesnt exist.
Oprah had a show one day with children that were TG. One of the children tried to kill themselves. The dad would not let him be a girl. It didnt take to much convincing that dolls and dresses and having a daughter was better then going to his childs funeral. I'm not saying your son would be suicidal but if he is TG that possibility is very real and something to consider and look into and watch out for. By letting him be him/herself then you pretty much bypass that problem.
Does he sit down to pee? Maybe he is a transgendered person. Does his penis bother him? When puberty hits he may wonder why he is not getting breasts. Does he know the sexual differences between boys and girls? Has he seen a vagina and know the difference?
I have two girls in the house, 1 is 11 and the other is 7. The seven year old plays with dolls and is a major girl. The other one is about as boyish as they come. There are varying differences in the two but they are both girls. It sounds like your son is a girly girl.
Title: Re: need advice
Post by: cindianna_jones on September 21, 2006, 01:39:46 AM
Post by: cindianna_jones on September 21, 2006, 01:39:46 AM
Themom
First, let me tell you how much I admire your desire to help your son. I grew up in a social environment where this was not possible.
Secondly, I personally believe that this thing that we have is not acquired through events in our lives. I grew up in a loving home where my father and mother loved each other. I had a therapist who insisted that my father had done something to me to make me the way that I am. There was nothing. Violence or sexual pervesion was absolutely absent in my family. My father has always been a terrific dad. My therapist was shaking the wrong tree.
No one really knows why a child has these problems. But they are very real nonetheless. And they are the most compelling feelings a person can have. They may overwrite any desires or ambition that the child has otherwise.
I'm not sure how to advise you in your situation. I would definitely tell your son how much you love him. Assure him that you support him and will not betray him over these desires he has. Male hormones will not kick in and do permanent damage for several years. So for now, I would strongly recommend against any medical procedures or medication. As he gets older however, therapy may become mandatory... both for you and your son as a determination is made as to what exactly you should do.
If your son's desires dominate everything he does and he can't give it up, please make sure that you address the issue with professional medical care before puberty creates permanent male characterstics. It will be the greatest gift you will ever give your child.
For now, just be supportive and helpful. And relax. If he has it, it will not go away. You will know.
Cindi
First, let me tell you how much I admire your desire to help your son. I grew up in a social environment where this was not possible.
Secondly, I personally believe that this thing that we have is not acquired through events in our lives. I grew up in a loving home where my father and mother loved each other. I had a therapist who insisted that my father had done something to me to make me the way that I am. There was nothing. Violence or sexual pervesion was absolutely absent in my family. My father has always been a terrific dad. My therapist was shaking the wrong tree.
No one really knows why a child has these problems. But they are very real nonetheless. And they are the most compelling feelings a person can have. They may overwrite any desires or ambition that the child has otherwise.
I'm not sure how to advise you in your situation. I would definitely tell your son how much you love him. Assure him that you support him and will not betray him over these desires he has. Male hormones will not kick in and do permanent damage for several years. So for now, I would strongly recommend against any medical procedures or medication. As he gets older however, therapy may become mandatory... both for you and your son as a determination is made as to what exactly you should do.
If your son's desires dominate everything he does and he can't give it up, please make sure that you address the issue with professional medical care before puberty creates permanent male characterstics. It will be the greatest gift you will ever give your child.
For now, just be supportive and helpful. And relax. If he has it, it will not go away. You will know.
Cindi
Title: Re: need advice
Post by: Mario on September 21, 2006, 01:46:15 AM
Post by: Mario on September 21, 2006, 01:46:15 AM
First of all, I think you are doing the right thing in getting all the information you can right now. I commend you for that, and not just asuming it is a phase.
He is too young to know for sure, but he does seem to have several tendencies. I too have a son in question. He is 9 now, but over the years has had me wondering. I wanted a boy because they are suppose to be rough and tough. This is not the case with him. I tried to force GI Joes on him and trucks, but he prefers BRATZ dolls and stuffed animals. His favorite Disney character is Ariel. He too sleeps with like 800 stuffed toys. When he was smaller, his oldest sister would dress him up like a girl and he liked that then, it made me mad, but now he has never shown interest in girls underwear and such. I don't live with my kids anymore since I transitioned. I do see them though when I want. The point is you wont know for sure until he is older.My son seems like he is not as drastic now as he was before, and maybe your son will change too. Only time will tell.
Marco
He is too young to know for sure, but he does seem to have several tendencies. I too have a son in question. He is 9 now, but over the years has had me wondering. I wanted a boy because they are suppose to be rough and tough. This is not the case with him. I tried to force GI Joes on him and trucks, but he prefers BRATZ dolls and stuffed animals. His favorite Disney character is Ariel. He too sleeps with like 800 stuffed toys. When he was smaller, his oldest sister would dress him up like a girl and he liked that then, it made me mad, but now he has never shown interest in girls underwear and such. I don't live with my kids anymore since I transitioned. I do see them though when I want. The point is you wont know for sure until he is older.My son seems like he is not as drastic now as he was before, and maybe your son will change too. Only time will tell.
Marco
Title: Re: need advice
Post by: stephanie_craxford on September 21, 2006, 06:02:54 AM
Post by: stephanie_craxford on September 21, 2006, 06:02:54 AM
If I may...
I was wondering if the psychologists have considered that given the abuse that your son has witnessed being delt out by "males/men/father", and the suffering that he has seen the girls/women/females enduring as a result of the abuse, there is the possibility that it is because of this that he doesn't want to be a boy anymore, or become a man. He could very well be afraid that he will be the same way - abusive, nasy towards women/girls and he see's that by becoming a girl he wouldn't have to worry about that as the woman he has been involved with are kind and nurturing, the way he may wish to be. A form of escape.
Just my thoughts.
Steph
I was wondering if the psychologists have considered that given the abuse that your son has witnessed being delt out by "males/men/father", and the suffering that he has seen the girls/women/females enduring as a result of the abuse, there is the possibility that it is because of this that he doesn't want to be a boy anymore, or become a man. He could very well be afraid that he will be the same way - abusive, nasy towards women/girls and he see's that by becoming a girl he wouldn't have to worry about that as the woman he has been involved with are kind and nurturing, the way he may wish to be. A form of escape.
Just my thoughts.
Steph
Title: Re: need advice
Post by: themom on September 21, 2006, 10:37:22 AM
Post by: themom on September 21, 2006, 10:37:22 AM
Thank you all so very much for your imput and support. What a loving community! I have had the same questions regarding the negative males versus the supporting females. But like I said, I certainly don't want to cause any damage by denying him his true self, whether that be male or female. I guess I will just have to let the chips fall as they may and make sure he understands that I will love and accept him no matter what. But let me tell you, I will never forget the look of sheer joy on his face when he came right out, feeling safe to tell me, I want to be a girl. If everyone doesn't mind, I will continue to come here for both his benefit and mine. Thank you all again.
Title: Re: need advice
Post by: stephanie_craxford on September 21, 2006, 11:27:20 AM
Post by: stephanie_craxford on September 21, 2006, 11:27:20 AM
Quote from: themom on September 21, 2006, 10:37:22 AM
Thank you all so very much for your imput and support. What a loving community! I have had the same questions regarding the negative males versus the supporting females. But like I said, I certainly don't want to cause any damage by denying him his true self, whether that be male or female. I guess I will just have to let the chips fall as they may and make sure he understands that I will love and accept him no matter what. But let me tell you, I will never forget the look of sheer joy on his face when he came right out, feeling safe to tell me, I want to be a girl. If everyone doesn't mind, I will continue to come here for both his benefit and mine. Thank you all again.
Of course you can come back, stay as long as you like or need. Everyone has something to contribute no matter what. Your input is just as valued as anyone elses. We can all learn for each of our own experiences and that's what makes this such a great site... We care.
I'm happy that you have found us and that we have been able to help in our own way. I look forward to seeing you here.
Steph
Title: Re: need advice
Post by: Kate on September 21, 2006, 11:40:54 AM
Post by: Kate on September 21, 2006, 11:40:54 AM
Hi The Mom,
I'm not sure what I can add that hasn't already been said, but there's an interesting movie which captures the struggle surrounding this issue called "Ma vie en rose." (My Life in Pink)
It's french, but even with having to read subtitles, the emotions of the struggle - especially that of the parents - comes through.
I'm not sure what I can add that hasn't already been said, but there's an interesting movie which captures the struggle surrounding this issue called "Ma vie en rose." (My Life in Pink)
It's french, but even with having to read subtitles, the emotions of the struggle - especially that of the parents - comes through.
Title: Re: need advice
Post by: Ricki on September 24, 2006, 09:48:45 AM
Post by: Ricki on September 24, 2006, 09:48:45 AM
Guess I'll be the Seagull here (re: the story Jonathan Livingston Seagull)
and throw caution about a lot of things.
Society has not embraced "us".....
The made for picture movies and television shows do nothing to cultivate transgender, sexualism, whatever you want to title it, into american homes and communities. Our government rallies for normality, God, home and christian values. People buy into this stuff way to easy.
Having said that mess above be very careful. I speak from 38 years experience as well. 4 psychiatrists in my early twenties doctoring me one failed attempt after another and a psychologist who made great progress i'll bet due to her actual ignorance in the field of gender. Fast forward and some high priced gender therpaists who made better differneces. But none of that change the people or the culture aorund me it only helped me to change or grow. Nuture, grow, educate, encourage, etc.. But do not unnecessarily expose your son (child) to the world to early or if he's not mature enough to deal with it. PEOPLE CAN BE AND ARE CRUEL AND MEAN, I bagged 28 1/2 years of frustration which cultivated into a single terrible event one evening! Partially because i just expected everyone to understand my plight! people do not I lost friends, relatives, and so forth in minutes!
Guess i'm jealous to have not had a mom in your understanding and inquisitive state? Mine has been in denial her whole life with me! I'd move cautiously as possible. I agree with one comment i do not know if therapy at this age is worthwhile or advisable?
Sorry for the rambling
and throw caution about a lot of things.
Society has not embraced "us".....
The made for picture movies and television shows do nothing to cultivate transgender, sexualism, whatever you want to title it, into american homes and communities. Our government rallies for normality, God, home and christian values. People buy into this stuff way to easy.
Having said that mess above be very careful. I speak from 38 years experience as well. 4 psychiatrists in my early twenties doctoring me one failed attempt after another and a psychologist who made great progress i'll bet due to her actual ignorance in the field of gender. Fast forward and some high priced gender therpaists who made better differneces. But none of that change the people or the culture aorund me it only helped me to change or grow. Nuture, grow, educate, encourage, etc.. But do not unnecessarily expose your son (child) to the world to early or if he's not mature enough to deal with it. PEOPLE CAN BE AND ARE CRUEL AND MEAN, I bagged 28 1/2 years of frustration which cultivated into a single terrible event one evening! Partially because i just expected everyone to understand my plight! people do not I lost friends, relatives, and so forth in minutes!
Guess i'm jealous to have not had a mom in your understanding and inquisitive state? Mine has been in denial her whole life with me! I'd move cautiously as possible. I agree with one comment i do not know if therapy at this age is worthwhile or advisable?
Sorry for the rambling
Title: Re: need advice
Post by: Brianna on September 24, 2006, 05:17:00 PM
Post by: Brianna on September 24, 2006, 05:17:00 PM
Themom,
First of all - let me congratulate you on your open-mindedness. Most family members deny, minimise or ignore this condition. You are a more loving person than any of our families were.
Secondly - let me warn you. Being transsexual is among the hardest journeys that exists in the human condition. Transsexual children need as much love as non-transsexual children, if not more.
Thirdly - let me assure you. There is nothing you or anyone else did to cause this. Your family's history and the decisions you have made are completely irrelevant. All fetuses start out as female. Transsexualism is a birth defect where the mind fails to masculinize under the influence of androgens in uetero when the genitals are formed. Approximately 1 in 30,000 male children are born this way.
For most children, childhood is a happy and carefree time. For transsexual children, their daily existence is plagued with nagging doubts and confusion because, despite their anatomy, they self identify as the other gender. As a result, their childhood is often a nightmare. They have a deep sense that they are different from other children, and as a result, usually choose social isolation. Because children are quickly broken into gender socialization roles, their lives revolve around hiding their true selves and playing a role they neither want nor understand.
Best of luck - every transsexual child needs a mother like you, but almost none of us get one.
Bree
PS- You asked for advice and opinions. My opinion is that this child is showing every possible sign of Gender Identity Disorder, and that there is no doubt in my mind he is a transsexual. It is also my opinion that if you can be brave enough to let him transition durring puberty he can avoid an unimaginable amount of pain and mental damage.
First of all - let me congratulate you on your open-mindedness. Most family members deny, minimise or ignore this condition. You are a more loving person than any of our families were.
Secondly - let me warn you. Being transsexual is among the hardest journeys that exists in the human condition. Transsexual children need as much love as non-transsexual children, if not more.
Thirdly - let me assure you. There is nothing you or anyone else did to cause this. Your family's history and the decisions you have made are completely irrelevant. All fetuses start out as female. Transsexualism is a birth defect where the mind fails to masculinize under the influence of androgens in uetero when the genitals are formed. Approximately 1 in 30,000 male children are born this way.
For most children, childhood is a happy and carefree time. For transsexual children, their daily existence is plagued with nagging doubts and confusion because, despite their anatomy, they self identify as the other gender. As a result, their childhood is often a nightmare. They have a deep sense that they are different from other children, and as a result, usually choose social isolation. Because children are quickly broken into gender socialization roles, their lives revolve around hiding their true selves and playing a role they neither want nor understand.
Best of luck - every transsexual child needs a mother like you, but almost none of us get one.
Bree
PS- You asked for advice and opinions. My opinion is that this child is showing every possible sign of Gender Identity Disorder, and that there is no doubt in my mind he is a transsexual. It is also my opinion that if you can be brave enough to let him transition durring puberty he can avoid an unimaginable amount of pain and mental damage.
Title: Re: need advice
Post by: beth on September 24, 2006, 06:39:57 PM
Post by: beth on September 24, 2006, 06:39:57 PM
Hello mom,
I believe it is much to early to diagnose the child as being transsexual. A transsexual is born, not created. A childs environment may cause gender identity issues also. The child may very well be transsexual but I believe diagnosing him/her as GID and explaining why the child feels as he/she should can lead to disasterous consequences if the diagnosis is wrong.
Your child needs to decide how to dress and act and not be encouraged toward either gender. The child needs counceling regarding how her/his actions may affect peers and their feeling toward the child so he/she can be better equipped to deal with the inevitible teasing and worse that she/he will face. Let the child grow and develop with the least intervention. If the child develops GID and is transsexual she will let it be known in time for any necessary changes in her body.
To sum up, I believe a misdiagnosis of transsexuality now can result is the worst possible consequences while waiting 4 or 5 years will have no negative affects as long as you are understanding, watching out for the childs welfare and not promoting either gender. From what you have written I believe you can accomplish this.
A diagnosis now would make things easier for you and may give temporary relief to the child but if the diagnosis is wrong it will likely lead to an unhappy tormented life.
I wish you strength and love
beth
I believe it is much to early to diagnose the child as being transsexual. A transsexual is born, not created. A childs environment may cause gender identity issues also. The child may very well be transsexual but I believe diagnosing him/her as GID and explaining why the child feels as he/she should can lead to disasterous consequences if the diagnosis is wrong.
Your child needs to decide how to dress and act and not be encouraged toward either gender. The child needs counceling regarding how her/his actions may affect peers and their feeling toward the child so he/she can be better equipped to deal with the inevitible teasing and worse that she/he will face. Let the child grow and develop with the least intervention. If the child develops GID and is transsexual she will let it be known in time for any necessary changes in her body.
To sum up, I believe a misdiagnosis of transsexuality now can result is the worst possible consequences while waiting 4 or 5 years will have no negative affects as long as you are understanding, watching out for the childs welfare and not promoting either gender. From what you have written I believe you can accomplish this.
A diagnosis now would make things easier for you and may give temporary relief to the child but if the diagnosis is wrong it will likely lead to an unhappy tormented life.
I wish you strength and love
beth
Title: Re: need advice--mom
Post by: veronica06 on September 24, 2006, 06:43:55 PM
Post by: veronica06 on September 24, 2006, 06:43:55 PM
If everyone doesn't mind, I will continue to come here for both his benefit and mine. Thank you all again.
=============
now why..would we mind? we love folks to come here.
and you..please DO come often.
and as far as "I" personally am concerned..
no thanks needed.
always happy to help anyone I can.
these folks here have been super sweet to me also.!!
=============
now why..would we mind? we love folks to come here.
and you..please DO come often.
and as far as "I" personally am concerned..
no thanks needed.
always happy to help anyone I can.
these folks here have been super sweet to me also.!!
Title: Re: need advice
Post by: themom on September 24, 2006, 07:56:50 PM
Post by: themom on September 24, 2006, 07:56:50 PM
Thank you for continueing to provide support. Although my mother and I are not promoting or denying any way my little guy feels like dressing, we have informed him that it would be best if he only practiced this in private and in the home. As much as I would love to have him feel like himself both in and out of the home, whether that be as a boy or a girl, society is just not as accepting as what we all would like. That being said, my son has been sooo very pleasant and happy since telling us that he wants to be a girl and is obviously not feeling any shame in wanting to dress in girl's clothes any more as he comes and tells us when he does and waits for acceptance. We tell him it's ok and that we love him, it's wonderful to see the very obvious relief he is feeling now that he does not feel he has to hide or is alone in his confusion. Just a little update, I guess. Again, thank you for all your help, it has made going through this with him easier, less like fumbling around in the dark than before.
Title: Re: need advice
Post by: cindianna_jones on September 24, 2006, 08:01:39 PM
Post by: cindianna_jones on September 24, 2006, 08:01:39 PM
It sounds like you are handling this just fine. Good for you. You are so in tune with your child. You never know... he may just grow out of it.
Cindi
Cindi
Title: Re: need advice
Post by: Kate Thomas on September 24, 2006, 08:23:59 PM
Post by: Kate Thomas on September 24, 2006, 08:23:59 PM
TheMom
Welcome to Susan's
I just wanted to point out some of the resources at the top of the page you will find some lavender links. The main page will take you to our links, WiKi is a wondeful place to search out answers.
this will get you the youth links from there you could connect to national orgnizations such as PFLAG
https://www.susans.org/Youth/
I think you may be intrested in this online book. By Just Evelyn
"Mom I Need To Be a Girl" (https://www.susans.org/Publications/Books/2263.html)
a very touching story of a mothers true love.
A May news story about a special child with a loveing family.
http://www.newtimesbpb.com/Issues/2006-05-18/news/feature_full.html
Best Wishes
Kate Alice
Welcome to Susan's
I just wanted to point out some of the resources at the top of the page you will find some lavender links. The main page will take you to our links, WiKi is a wondeful place to search out answers.
this will get you the youth links from there you could connect to national orgnizations such as PFLAG
https://www.susans.org/Youth/
I think you may be intrested in this online book. By Just Evelyn
"Mom I Need To Be a Girl" (https://www.susans.org/Publications/Books/2263.html)
a very touching story of a mothers true love.
A May news story about a special child with a loveing family.
http://www.newtimesbpb.com/Issues/2006-05-18/news/feature_full.html
Best Wishes
Kate Alice
Title: Re: need advice
Post by: Joseph on September 24, 2006, 09:33:30 PM
Post by: Joseph on September 24, 2006, 09:33:30 PM
Hi themom,
There's no advice I can really add to what people have already seen, but I just wanted to say kudos to you for loving your son no matter what. Parents like you seem to be so rare when it comes to kids with transgender preferences, and I know your son is one lucky/blessed kid in this regard, no matter what he ends up choosing.
All the best,
Joseph
There's no advice I can really add to what people have already seen, but I just wanted to say kudos to you for loving your son no matter what. Parents like you seem to be so rare when it comes to kids with transgender preferences, and I know your son is one lucky/blessed kid in this regard, no matter what he ends up choosing.
All the best,
Joseph
Title: Re: need advice
Post by: Kate on September 26, 2006, 06:51:35 PM
Post by: Kate on September 26, 2006, 06:51:35 PM
Quote from: Kate on September 21, 2006, 11:40:54 AM
I'm not sure what I can add that hasn't already been said, but there's an interesting movie which captures the struggle surrounding this issue called "Ma vie en rose." (My Life in Pink)
Incidentally, I see that this movie is playing on the "Logo" channel at 9pm EST tonight (tuesday), and again at 1am EST wednesday morning.