Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So, this Q is basically self-explanatory.
But first I want to relay what I've been thinking.
I think I'm a worrier and I really do feel feminine, hate looking at the mirror and seeing masculine bone structure, facial hair, (and all body hair for that matter!), muscle, etc. etc. The masculine traits.
And I love to dress in women's clothing, but hate looking LIKE a man dressing in women's clothing.

Then comes the little devil who says, "whatever, it's just a phase." And I really don't think it to be because I remember dealing with this when I was 4! In preschool! It kind of had a momentary time lapse and went away for awhile after I was 10 and my mom confronted me, but nonetheless, it's returned lol.

But sometimes, I feel like when my hormones rage, I feel more "manly" than others, and I acknowledge it. But I do NOT like when I feel like that, and I don't know if other MTF's ever had that pre-HRT?  I just...I dunno I'm confused. Like I doubt that this is relaly me sometimes. But other times it's as if I found the golden ticket.  Help!? haha.

If you have gender dysphoria it will not go away. It does come and go however to some degree or other. Everyone is different and their experiences too. I still can wake up in the morning and for the first few minutes think I have it beat, but then I go and look in the mirror and know I could not go back.

Seeking a gender therapist is a good way to start help you sort out you feelings and diagnosis.

hugs

Stardust

Sex hormones do have sex specific effects.  if you have T in your system, you may experience emotions in a certain way. it doesn't mean you don't have GID.

I think it's impossible to never doubt it...
I mean.. there isn't a simple test to take that tells you with 100% certainty that "this" is it, that "this" is what you have to deal with and that pursuing SRS will make life better...
This is, for all intents and purposes, in our heads. It is our personal feeling that we can not live this way that drives us to do something about it. This isn't something you can measure.

I've had my doubts, as I'm sure everyone has at some point or another, but no amount of me telling myself that this is "just" inside my head and that I can control it, conquer it, get over it, etcetera, has changed what I experience.
The GID just won't let go.

I've never doubted my own GID.

I have definitely had doubts, or second thoughts. However, they are usually short lived and my desire to keep transitioning are always there and much stronger than the doubts.

Chrissi

No

I think thoughts always come and go.  It seems like a natural aspect of life.  Not every single day can be complete misery, which I think is caused by GID.  That's why I think doubts come in here and there, because life seems good at times but then it can just collapse at any moment again and GID will hit you again.

For me GID is like being on the outside looking in. I can see how guys are and want it for myself to belong. The GID part I never doubt, the possibility of what I see inside is what I doubt.

I have been confused and also curious what I can be classified into: transvestism,  ->-bleeped-<-, or transsexualism. I wanted to wear silk stockings and high-heel boots when I was about 4 years old, and still don't know why I was strangely attracted to such fetistic fashion items. It was just a kind of kids' curiosity?

I also think about past lives as a woman and reincarnation/birth mark, etc. It is difficult to explain.

When I drink alcoholic beverages, I feel that I become completely a man.

Barbie~~

In the very beginning of transition, I doubted that this was what I wanted.  However, I'm at the point now where I could no way possibly survive as a male.  It's like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.  I honestly couldn't detransition without ->-bleeped-<-ing my whole life up.  There's no going back, and I know the reason why I never doubt anymore is because the alternative is not possible.

I never doubt that it's what I want, right now I'm pretty confident that I can get to where I want to be, but the thing that claws at my stomach is whether I can stand the process of getting there.

That may be EXACTLY the issue at hand! I am so terrified of doing anything and what people will think...
And also, I was worried that I like the "tomboy" look that that meant somehow I wasn't "feminine" enough to be trans. It's still a working question, but I think there's definite trans possibility with me lol.
I think I'd be like a cross between a girly girl and avril lavigne punkish look.  Sort of a mix. 

I think the transsexual experience varies so widely and there are so many theories as to "what" defines a transsexual, I find myself doubting whatever box I find myself in.  As it stands, there are different standards you will find that people have for measuring whether or not they have GID and to what degree.  None of the standards are final, or definitive, so they often serve to just polarize.  Despite this, it drives me nuts thinking that the answer is, "You have GID if you think you have GID."  I want something more scientific, more tested, more definitive.  So do I doubt?  Yes, but only because I don't have a strict standard by which to measure my experiences.

I definitely find myself doubting all the time. In fact I almost have 2 different voices inside talking to me and the core male identity side is still completely afraid of losing my genitals and it's always the voice saying things like "You dont want to have to put makeup on every day" or "You don't want to have to deal with how others will think of you" etc etc etc.

I have lots of doubts because of that. I probably would have less doubts though if this had happened 5 yrs ago before I got married =/ My wife has said she will leave me if and when I start HRT.

I'm a long way from such a decision but it's still tough.

The other thing I have doubts about is myself. Am I lying to myself? Is this really what I want? Did I just read what a transsexual should look like and tried to frame myself to match? Etc.

I never doubted I had GID - I struggled with it for decades.  I doubted I would transition - I thought I could control the GID with crossdressing.  Once I opened to myself, though, I found I steadily wanted more until I wanted it all - live the life of a woman, have a vagina, sexual harassment.  (Maybe not the last. ;))

Mostly my doubts were whether I could manage to live as a woman.  Once started, I never doubted I was on the right path - never that I should do it, only whether I could do it.  Gradually the "can I" doubts have gone away, although they do pop back up now and then. :P

- Kate

Haha that's a good explanation!
That could also be what I'm feeling...I think I'm fine with HAVING gID i'm just scared to take any steps, and yet, at the same time, I am miserable living as a man...so I'm in a funk and I need to get out of the whirlpool and keep smooth sailing forward! Gah.

Thanks Everybody :)

I don't think I ever had doubts.  I did post a thread a while back about "doubts", but they weren't really.

After talking out my concerns here, with friends, and my therapist, we came to the conclusion that I was having "wet feet".  Not really doubts, but more like being scared.  Now I am way past that.  I think that it might be normal to have wet feet or even doubts about things.

I think what is important is that you talk to your therapist (or whomever) and figure out where these "doubts" or "fears" are coming from and resolve them.  Then move forward.

I think I tried to doubt I had it. I was just really coming to terms with things in the early 80's (yes, it's grandma time again.). There weren't many options for us then, and I honestly never thorough I could ever find the courage to go through with what I truly felt I needed to be who I was/am.

From first memories and into my thirties I back-slid, hid and drifted to say, "It's just a phase", or, "It's ok as a hobby", or "I can beat this" or "I can't do this to my family"..

In the end, when in dreams you are your self, when alone your own voice speaks, when in a crowd you feel naked for your fear; Then you know there is no other truth than you, and there are no more places to hide.   (Sorry, that just came to me.. it's going into the poetry section.)

That being said, I took the plunge. And for ten years have never had a doubt in my mind.

I struggle with this some days. I am really, really good at driving myself absolutely nuts! My demons expect me to feel exactly the same all the time, or else it's some sort of proof that I'm just making it all up.

And yet... there's so much proof. I took to writing it all down! And usually, when I dress, the voices and obsession go away. In short, yeah, I doubt. But I'm coming to realize it's my demons poking me in the butt with their pitchforks, nothing more.

At this point I say my little TG prayer:

I will have faith that I am myself, even when I feel like something else. And I'll have the courage to be what I want to be, to follow my road and no one else's, even when things get rough.

Did I ever doubt that I had GID?   Never.  I didn't always know what it was, but I definately knew I was in the wrong body.  For way tooooo many years I suppresed it, but it was always there and had to come out from time to time.  This past year I reached the point where I just couldn't control it anymore.  I sought out a therapist to help me "put it back in the box" but soon came to realize that isn't what I needed.  I need to be whole, but sometimes it's hard to let go of the facade that i've built up over the years.  Like Kate I've been having the same feelings lately.  It's not whether this was the right choice, but can I handle the path.  So far so good aside frrom somed bumpy areas

Quote from: Shawna Cynthia on August 30, 2009, 09:57:11 PM
Did I ever doubt that I had GID?   Never.  I didn't always know what it was, but I definately knew I was in the wrong body.  For way tooooo many years I suppresed it, but it was always there and had to come out from time to time.  This past year I reached the point where I just couldn't control it anymore.  I sought out a therapist to help me "put it back in the box" but soon came to realize that isn't what I needed.  I need to be whole, but sometimes it's hard to let go of the facade that i've built up over the years.  Like Kate I've been having the same feelings lately.  It's not whether this was the right choice, but can I handle the path.  So far so good aside frrom somed bumpy areas

D***, Shawna. >:(  You've been reading my journal!

Yeah, there are a lot of bumps, and a few swampy areas, but with luck and help and determination you can make it.  Good luck, sis.

*hugs*
Kate

AHH!! That could also be me!
I swear to god that I feel the same way. i see it now...
i'm terrifid of the journey, i don't want it to be a transition. i wish it just would have BEEN since I was born...so that none of this could happen. blah blah and...double blah!

I remember being 10 and wanting a raccoon coat or something. I was in a fur coat kind of stage lol.  and my mom was like "first of all, they're expensive." so then I was like oh well i'll keep trying to get one.  Few weeks later, i remember so distinctly, my mom approached me, and she's very open-minded, but just like you, this subconscious idea of anything outside of male and female being "wrong" threw up inside my brain.  she said to me, "XXXX (my name now--aka don't like it), I wanted to ask you something? What do you feel like inside hmm? do you feel more like a woman?" And instantly, RIGHT THEN and there, I sucked it all back in, that is, whatever I was thinking, feeling, and said, "I think a man." It's like subconscious conservative guilt! GAH!! Not even conservative, but american...or worldy guilt...:-\

And ever since then I never thought I was denying it but merely not questioning anything. Which could be a passive form a denial, come to think of it.

So i hav ea lot of thinking to do.  But damn if I could have said "WOMAN! YES! DING DING DOUBLE DING!" I could have maybe even started like kim petras...but now i'm 20 and growing hair on my chest. I feel a double cheesecake coming on...

Welcome, Jenny. 

Your story is very much like that of many of us here.  You doubt because you are afraid to admit it to yourself.  Many of the barriers we experience are ones we create ourselves. 

Oh well, such is life. ::)  Or at least life as we experience it. :)

- Kate

I have had doubts all along the way.  I think doubt can be a very healthy thing!  In questioning myself and my decisions, I come to a more informed and comfortable conclusion.  I think "comfortable" is not the right word, but I can't think of a better one right now.  I would not go into such a huge and life changing situation without first making very darned sure that is what I want.  Playing your own devil's advocate helps that.  Also can save on therapist bills... ;-)

Don't worry about raging testosterone, you can still get rid of this venmo with antiandrogens, such as spironolactone or (in my case), cyproterone acetate, which is the most effective.

As for doubting GID, I thought about the problem for years if not decades before coming to the conclusion I am indeed transgendered, and then I began transitioning. There is no doubt in my mind about it. I'm doing it till the end or, if it becomes impossible, to the death.

I never doubt that I have gender issues but I do wonder all the time if I truly want to transition.
->-bleeped-<-..I think thats my doubt. I think I only like the thought of myself as a woman because I love women and I only like being the same sex as them for that reason. Hmm..
But everyone with gid probably does question whether the gender they think they are is real. Its impossible to know.

I think I realized exactly the source for my doubt...
I recently (as in May) moved back in with my parents because of financial issues at college...which has put a damper on not only my trans feelings but also social life, among many other things!

My mom's fine with anything, but my dad is very strict, traditional, logical, and very inside the box...weirdly enough he thinks he's all that and a bag of chips (you know real chill, understanding...) but no...when i came out as "gay" he was weirded out and said it was false...maybe he was right!  about the MALE liking males part.

So...this is my junior year at school and i had previously had 2 independent/free years not athome, when I reallly began to question everything and I realiuzed I had been controlled to not think this whole time, but meanwhile I think what happened is that I reverted back to my old ways of thinking...as it's very difficult to be "myself" here...which is silly, feminine, wear the clothing I want to wear (At least for the time being,) etc. 

I wonder if that has any bearing...

Antarcticsake, the metephor that comes to my mind is of growing a plant in a too-small container.  When things start poking out here and there you wonder if that's the direction it should go or whether that's just a weak spot in the container.

As TG in the military, I was always afraid I would find a chink in the container and grow that way but wrongly.  In a constricted environment you need to adapt to keep yourself whole and healthy and grow within if possible.  Unfortunately, in such an environment you often have to put off overt growth until you can get out of the container.  (Does this make any sense?  Maybe I need another cup of coffee.)

And yes, it is always hard to go back to a more constricting environment after having even a taste of freedom.

*hugs*
Kate

Like most of the other girls, I wished I was a girl as early as 4 years old.  I envied my sisters and secretly wore their clothes.  Over the years, like others, I thought it was a phase and that "I can be male" and that it was wrong and what would my family think?  At one point, I was having sex with any woman I could, just to prove to myself that I was a man and yet, during these encounters, I always fantasized that I was the woman.  I also thought that marriage and children would change everything, but my desires still didn't go away.  I talked to a dozen therapists over the years, but I never had the courage to tell them.

Late last year, I finally realized that if I didn't do something I was going to end up either in the hospital or dead and finally went to a GT.

Did I know I was GID all my life?  Since I was a child, I knew I was different, but it wasn't until I heard about Renee Richards that there where others like me and I could do something about it.