Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Me it was the hormones, what about you?

Isn't this pretty much the same question as in your other thread?  Not really a need to make more than one for it.

Quote from: Ketsy on September 19, 2009, 08:33:54 AM
Isn't this pretty much the same question as in your other thread?  Not really a need to make more than one for it.

Not at all dear. The other thread was 'How long did you hesitate to take hormones?', this thread is 'What is/was your fear'? The answer could be parents, FFS, SRS or electrolysis. Hadn't I replied another answer than hormones, this thread would have had sound different.  ;)

My current biggest fear, as I'm still pre everything, is going to the psychologist, jumping through all the hoops, and being told, that I'm just not dysphoric enough to warrant treatment (transition) or something along those lines.
To get a "no".
That's my fear.

And I know it's not entirely rational, but if I want to do this right, my treatment is in the hands of someone other than me.
And I have issues with the idea of not being in control of my own life (even if I know there's limits to how much control you can have.. I still need to feel like ultimately, the decision is mine).
I don't want to do this the self-medicating way where I trust "some guy" in another country to send me what he says he will upon me giving up some money and then "IF" it's delivered, self inject it "like they do on you-tube" and hope it contains what the label states... I want to "know" what I'm doing, not take a stranger's word for it.

For me it was the "blending in".  I hated the term GID, because I saw it as "Guy In Drag".  And that I never wanted to be.

But RLE kicked me in the pants and now I 'blend in'.  And even on those days that I may not, I don't care.  I am a woman and that is the end of the story.


Janet

I thought my biggest fear was losing my male genitals but lately I've had a certain peace about that now, it's weird.

Now I'd definitely say blending in and all that goes with it. As much as I believe I'm a woman on the inside, I've had 28 years of ingrained training of acting like a man.

Not being able to blend in was mine too. I am 6'1" and have a deep voice which seemed like insurmountable obstacles but funnily enough it turns out that my height just makes people think 'wow she's tall' and with a lot of work my voice is becoming passable, although the phone is the Devil make no mistake.

Quote from: Miniar on September 19, 2009, 09:36:40 AM
My current biggest fear, as I'm still pre everything, is going to the psychologist, jumping through all the hoops, and being told, that I'm just not dysphoric enough to warrant treatment (transition) or something along those lines.
To get a "no".
That's my fear.

Miniar, I was right there with you about three weeks ago.  I was so afraid of being "shut down" by my psychologist.  Where would that leave me?  Obviously, something is weird about me.  I don't fit with society, I'm an outcast, always have been.  If this wasn't it, what could it possibly be?  Am I just broken, unfixable?

As providence would have it, I ended up with an AMAZING psychologist.  After I let all that out to her, she was like, "I'm not shutting you down.  I just need to know where you see yourself in the future so we can get you there."  I felt like I had to prove myself to her, but she completely trusted everything I said as fact.  It was incredible to be accepted like that, after feeling my entire life that I had to prove to people who I was(well, that I was a "man" or that I was worthy of hanging out with them, etc).  Therapy is great now - we're getting a lot of good work done on my mind!

That's not my biggest fear though.  Biggest fear - losing my daughter during this process.  She lives with me.  And it is gut-wrenching when I think about taking her "daddy" away from her.  I'm afraid this will alienate her from me.:'(

Second fear is definitely not being accepted as a woman.  It's particularly hard for me because I don't identify as girlie-girl, I'm more dominate lesbian type(not butch though), so there will be masculine traits carrying over.  They're part of my personality and I'm not dumping them to fit with societal expectations of a woman.  Hell - I'm a lesbian.:P

What do you fear about hormones, Shelina?

Right now, it's having all my paperwork changed and not passing. I think it's taking me longer to pass than normal. But I expected that, because I did start out with a very feminine face.
So, yeah I'm nervous about the incongruence of looking female with a male name and driver's license.

My biggest fear is that what I'm doing is not the right thing.

It's like my old self and my "true" self are in a fight 24/7 over who gets to live. The logical, analytical part of my brain (funnily enough the most male parts of my mind) keep shouting at me, not that this is wrong, but that it MIGHT be wrong, wondering insistently about why I am this way, why I feel the way I do, and what the right choice is. But then there's the more emotional, instinctual parts of my mind (conversely the most female parts) crying out that it IS the right thing to do. Never once have I thought that I was supposed to be male as opposed to female, but the most logical parts of my mind can't help but question my actions at every turn.

In short, my biggest fear in transitioning is that it might be the wrong choice, but alternatively choosing NOT to transition I think would be an even more potentially devastating and more likely to be a choice I'd regret.

I suppose the obvious advice here would be to see a psychologist or psychiatrist, but I've tried that (and still am) and it's not really helping.  ::)

My biggest fear was family rejection which did happen to a large extent.  I was devoted to them but now I know that they are not as devoted to me.  I was afraid that my wife would leave me but she didn't instead, she and I live as housemates.  It is almost what I feared.  If she finds a man that she falls in love with, I'll be out on the street unless I can force alimony.  My daughter who was the apple of my eye and I was very close to was so upset that I was not invited to her college graduation.  She barely speaks to me. 

Transition issues compared to this are almost trivial in comparison but they are still difficult.

Maggie

My biggest fear was really not transitioning.   I was terrified at the idea of being stuck in my former body forever.  I know I couldn't have survived it but there was always the fear in my mind.

My biggest fear is still the feeling of never being able to pass. 

That, and going full time but I sorta think they are connected.

Quote from: Jeannette on September 19, 2009, 01:18:46 PM
My biggest fear was really not transitioning.   I was terrified at the idea of being stuck in my former body forever.  I know I couldn't have survived it but there was always the fear in my mind.

Exactly the same with me. There was no other fear that even came close.

My biggest fear is cost.

to do everything you CAN afford to do and still be wildly "incomplete" because there's no way to afford to finish the task.

My fear is that they're gonna tell my I'm wrong and that I can't have T or top surgery because of that.  :-\

Also i'm really worried that I wont be able to pass even after T.

Fear, hmm. I don't think I had fear, so much as apprehension. I pretty much called most people's reactions so that didn't surprise me too much. I was more excited than fearful about FFS. Propably therapy would be the worst part, since like Miniar said, I hated having to jump through hoops. Therapy wasn't for me as I didn't really have a bad life before, save my gender issues, so I felt awkward everytime since I didn't have much to talk about.

Now I'm looking into SRS and have to go back to the therapist to get a letter and Im dreading it.

Quote from: SilverFang on September 19, 2009, 05:02:58 PM
That's pretty horrible.

SilverFang

The saddest part of my being not invited to her college graduation was that I was her tutor for most of her education.  That really brought it home.

Maggie

Quote from: Miniar on September 19, 2009, 09:36:40 AM
My current biggest fear, as I'm still pre everything, is going to the psychologist, jumping through all the hoops, and being told, that I'm just not dysphoric enough to warrant treatment (transition) or something along those lines.
To get a "no".
That's my fear.

I second that... Sometimes it feels like everyone thinks its just a faze or your not going to go through with it. I don't think my family or even girlfriend believe it it's really me and it will disappear at some point or another. Perhaps it is because they can't relate. But to get that from therapist would be the worst because you need them to give the okay.

Also I don't have the means to start transition right now so I also am unnerved by the time that is slipping away. I know I am relatively young but it doesn't help the sense of wasted time.

My biggest fear was coming out to my dad, because he freaked out when I came out as a lesbian years ago, and we haven't had a good relationship since.  Surprisingly though, he took it really well and now we've actually started hanging out; he thinks it's kinda cool to have a son now  :)

Quote from: Chamillion on September 19, 2009, 05:10:54 PM
My biggest fear was coming out to my dad, because he freaked out when I came out as a lesbian years ago, and we haven't had a good relationship since.  Surprisingly though, he took it really well and now we've actually started hanging out; he thinks it's kinda cool to have a son now  :)

I wish that were the case with my father. I know when I actually transition and start hormones and it is more physical than anything else he is going to be upset again. He has just recently been coming to terms with me coming out. It would have helped if he wanted a son I suppose but he loves his little girls and always wanted girls. The three other kids he has are all female.
Overall fear of losing my family is there but we are so tight knit that I doubt I will truly lose them.

Quote from: Ketsy on September 19, 2009, 08:33:54 AM
Isn't this pretty much the same question as in your other thread?  Not really a need to make more than one for it.

I came here looking to answer this honest question but was confronted with this. I really get put off by people who troll forums like some Wikipedia god telling people what to say, where they can say it and exactly what tone of voice they need to use.

I don't even want to be involved in this conversation now because this person has ruined it with thier senseless, pedantic crap.

Dying alone.

I'm worried that I'll never have a significant other or lasting relationship after transition. That no matter what I'll either be seen as a "freak" or a "mutilated girl" or just "crazy"...that everyone will be disgusted with me and I'll never find someone who is actually, wholly accepting of me as I should be. This really hit home recently when I told my boyfriend of a year that I was trans and going to go ahead with the changes; he still acts like nothing has changed, still 'shes' me and every time it comes up in conversation he flips. And all I can think of is, this relationship is going to end badly.

I'm afraid of taking a girl out and having to explain why I don't look like every other guy she's been with, or having someone confused as to why with me she can't have kids. Or having someone I know blow a relationship because they tell my sig other about "who I used to be"...

I think this here, this one thought, is why it's taking me so long to just jump.

Quote from: Jeannette on September 19, 2009, 01:18:46 PM
My biggest fear was really not transitioning.   I was terrified at the idea of being stuck in my former body forever.  I know I couldn't have survived it but there was always the fear in my mind.

4th'ed.
I was afraid I'd die without ever having been alive. And be buried with tits.

Quote from: Matilda on September 19, 2009, 04:55:01 PM

Hmmm...you'd be surprised what testosterone can do.  Testosterone is a very potent hormone.  You just have to give it time to do its magic.  Do you think your face is feminine?  Ha! I wish I could show you pictures of someone who's very dear to me ;).  That was "ultra feminine", and now, years later, there's absolutely no resemblance of that "girl" anymore.  No one on earth would ever guess that he was a "girl".  Well, as a matter of fact he never was "a girl", but I know that you know what I'm talking about.


(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi572.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fss161%2Fmatilda23%2F061.gif&hash=8f2301193b0dc73bb2e3c64f938f2048ea1a0591)

:)

My biggest fear was derision.  This has always been very serious to me and I was afraid people would make fun of me for it.  I was afraid I would be thought a freak, a caricature, a fool. :(

I guess this is related to not passing.  I knew I would never be able to pass and so didn't try.  Well, guess what?  I either pass much of the time or there are a lot more polite, nice, considerate people in the world than I ever would have guessed. :D

- Kate

My biggest fear prior to starting was that I was actually some sort of hyper-homosexual...and wanted to transition out of some deep rooted shame in a misguided effort to be "normal".

Quote from: Kamren on September 19, 2009, 05:06:02 PM
I second that... Sometimes it feels like everyone thinks its just a faze phase or your you're not going to go through with it. I don't think my family or even girlfriend believe it it's really me and it will disappear at some point or another. Perhaps it is because they can't relate. But to get that from therapist would be the worst because you need them to give the okay.

Also I don't have the means to start transition right now so I also am unnerved by the time that is slipping away. I know I am relatively young but it doesn't help the sense of wasted time.

On the contrary, I think it's because they can relate in a limited way. At some point, I'm sure many people have been dissatisfied with their sex and considered it (I'm inclined to think women moreso than men. Egotistical men perhaps believe that everyone wants to be a man) and gotten over it.

And yeah, I know how you feel with being underage. Nothing we can do, and we're still feminizing a little more each month. Frustrating.

SilverFang

Regret.

I'm afraid something will "snap" in my head, and one day I'll suddenly change gender... AFTER I've been on T  :laugh:.

I try to look at it logically - It hasn't happened. It didn't happen, even when I tried to force the issue. I've never been or felt female - my gender identity has been consistant since childhood. I've hit that age where one's identity is "solidified", their neural development is pretty much complete... so it's very, very unlikely I'm going to change.

I know how extremely happy transitioning makes me, but at the same time I always feel a little uncomfortable "closing a door" - even if I am opening several others at the same time.

I assure myself - I've left hell and as tempting as it is, looking back to where I came from just might land me back in there. It's time to move ahead. It's ok to feel a little remorse, but mostly I need to reconsile with myself. If all else fails, go have a smoke under the stars.

Quote from: SilverFang on September 20, 2009, 12:25:02 AM
On the contrary, I think it's because they can relate in a limited way. At some point, I'm sure many people have been dissatisfied with their sex and considered it (I'm inclined to think women moreso than men. Egotistical men perhaps believe that everyone wants to be a man) and gotten over it.
SilverFang

I do believe there is some relation as far as small experiences go. But overall, like you said, it is limited.
I thought at one point that everyone did have the ability to put themselves in another person's shoes, or has experienced similar feelings. But I have been told by people that they can not understand it. My girlfriend told me this herself. She said she had pondered being a different gender at one point and has gotten frustrated in specific situations because of perceptions about women, but has never wanted to be a man. She told me she could not relate and most of her frustrations with me come from not understanding.
I do think some of this is B.S. and she could sympathize more than she does, but I tend to take people on their word unless proven otherwise.

There were so many: not be able to transition, not passing, rejection by the people I love, derision, dying before GRS as I didn't want die with male parts.  Most of all was losing my spouse, the absolute love of my life and my soul mate, so I thought.  She stayed with me through transition and for four years after.  Then I discovered she was having an affair with a guy after telling me she wasn't interested in sex or men.  She moved out this month. 

Even now, I have no regrets but it was a terrible price to pay to be myself.

Mine is probably that I'll never be able to have my own children and be alone as I grow old. Closely followed by the fact that I might be ridiculed by my friends and family.....

I'm not scared of any of the medical stuff, physical pain is much easier to deal with than the emotional stuff.

My biggest fear? Fear itself

My biggest fear was coming out to my parents.

Quote from: Teknoir on September 20, 2009, 12:38:47 AM
Regret.

I'm afraid something will "snap" in my head, and one day I'll suddenly change gender... AFTER I've been on T  :laugh:.

I try to look at it logically - It hasn't happened. It didn't happen, even when I tried to force the issue. I've never been or felt female - my gender identity has been consistant since childhood. I've hit that age where one's identity is "solidified", their neural development is pretty much complete... so it's very, very unlikely I'm going to change.

I know how extremely happy transitioning makes me, but at the same time I always feel a little uncomfortable "closing a door" - even if I am opening several others at the same time.

I assure myself - I've left hell and as tempting as it is, looking back to where I came from just might land me back in there. It's time to move ahead. It's ok to feel a little remorse, but mostly I need to reconsile with myself. If all else fails, go have a smoke under the stars.

I felt/still feel some of this. It's sad in a way. I'm leaving behind the person I was 'supposed' to be. And who people saw. But I was a shell. A zombie.

Not transitioning, forsure and...

Being without my own children...unable to have them and not big on adopting. The opportunity for that one has gone, years ago when I used to date women to try to be "normal", there were a couple of "scares", but no child ever came of it. There is no way I can go back to how I was before (with T) just to make some more sperm. The idea that I will never be able to have my own biological children sends shivers down my spine and makes me cry pretty often, and I *still* can't go back.

Aside from not transitioning, losing my family, my BF, not passing.  In the end, the only trouble I had was passing.  Hormones weren't kind to me so I was forced to have FFS to fix the problem.  Today, I'm fully transitioned with a loving family, a BF, currently working in the field I that love, but it wasn't easy.  Transition is never easy.  I had to sacrifice many things to be myself.

Losing my kids would be the worst but living a lie is about a tie. They are grown and can live on their own now so it is time for me to be myself. So far one kid struggles badly, one has no opinion and two are OK with it. Next, hoping my health issues won't stop me from getting T  after all this time and hassle I have gone through to get to this point.

My biggest fear - all of the above!

First seeing my GT, my first electro session, loosing my family, never being able to pass, etc.

For each step we take, hopefully, we'll overcome each "fear."

And most, if not all, of these fears would not exist if we were accepted in society for who we are.  Not being accepted seems to be the foundation of all fears.

My biggest fear is I will never see the TG community band together and work to fight discrimination, prejudice and ignorance.  That we will always focus on "me" instead of "us".

Julie

I so agree Julie.  We ride the coat tails of the GLB movement and never strike out on our own.  But many seem to want to go 'stealth' and not be outed to the world.  And maybe with good reason, but our GLB brothers and sisters have come out to the world.  Is it not our time to show the world that there are many of us, and that we are not going to disappear?


IMHO,
Janet

Quote from: Teknoir on September 20, 2009, 12:38:47 AM
I know how extremely happy transitioning makes me, but at the same time I always feel a little uncomfortable "closing a door" - even if I am opening several others at the same time.

I assure myself - I've left hell and as tempting as it is, looking back to where I came from just might land me back in there. It's time to move ahead.

I can relate to this.  In the beginning I had to close off who I was to become who I need to be, but I find that I am just now getting to the point where I can let a little of who I was return.  I'm not going back there - no way, no how - but I'm gradually cracking the door open to let me - all of me - live.

- Kate

Wow most of the fears posted ring true in my heart too.

health complications & not being able to have grs due to that.  i didn't want to be a chick with a penis.

Quote from: Janet Lynn on September 20, 2009, 09:44:42 AM
And maybe with good reason, but our GLB brothers and sisters have come out to the world.

I don't see their situation--that is, that of cisgender GLB people--as quite the same thing. Maybe if their goal were to become straight (I guess a few have that goal)...but then they would be dropping out of the community once they achieved their goal. Sort of like a lot of us do.

Quite a few trans people that I know are not pleased to be considered a part of the GLB community, whether we ride on their coattails or not. And gay people stay gay...whereas a lot of us consider "trans" to be more of a passing condition; many trans folks, when they are "finished" with transition, are done with the community and just want to live regular lives. After living so much of our lives in the wrong body and social role, we just want to live life in a way that seems right. Make up for lost time, maybe. After all the pain and struggle that many of us go through, I can't really blame them.

And I might be one of them someday. I'm a very private person, a pretty shy person. I'm no activist.

Tough call.

Anyway, I was reading this thread and planning to respond, but I'm thrown off by so many people who seem to be going in a direction that doesn't quite make sense to me. Perhaps the question is ambiguously phrased. I thought the OP wanted us to discuss our biggest fear about the process of transitioning while we were transitioning. If this is the case, I don't understand why people are identifying "not transitioning" as their biggest hang-up. Seems to me that this is more of a pre-transition fear or a climactic fear (with transition as anticlimax, I guess), unless you mean to say that you were afraid that you wouldn't transition well. For a lot of us, isn't the fear of not transitioning one of the factors that forces us to transition--our feeling that it is worse to not transition than to transition?

If I read the question right, a parallel query might be, "What scares you most when you are driving on the freeway?" And your response is, inexplicably, "While I'm driving on the freeway, my biggest fear is that I will never drive on the freeway." Um, but you ARE driving on the freeway.

With that said, my biggest fear about my transitional process while I was medically transitioning was that I would lose my partner.

My biggest fear about transition before I decided to transition was...to make the decision to transition. I knew what I wanted to do, but I was too scared to do it. Then, suddenly, I wasn't.

Once I had actually made the decision, I became more and more afraid that something would fall through and I wouldn't be allowed to transition. I think the most stressful day of my life was the day I got my first shot. I was terrified that I wouldn't actually get it.

Confidence is an issue. To me it seems like the bar is set real high for men, and I can't pole vault! Socializing as male is another bad one. I'm a loner as much as I'd like to be more friendly or outspoken, I can't.. It's a personality trait set in stone, much like my GID.

Oh, but the worst part is living with the twins and their crazy, unpredictable, messy, high maintenence, load of #$*(#$@( p&#&ing me off, g** d%(#*%% disgusting Aunt Flo. aarghhhhhhhhhhhh ....

Just to be excepted by my brother who was the closest to me, I also had a fear of srs, I knew very little about it and the surgery at the time, but my Mam actively encouraged me to have it saying it would complete things for me in everyway, my Mam kept up the pressure till I finally had the surgery in 1985, 12years after I started my transition, I was glad it worked out health wise, my Mam was trilled I was finally her daughter in every complete way.
I now have a BF who I hope to marry

Quote from: Arch on September 20, 2009, 01:31:05 PM
Anyway, I was reading this thread and planning to respond, but I'm thrown off by so many people who seem to be going in a direction that doesn't quite make sense to me. Perhaps the question is ambiguously phrased. I thought the OP wanted us to discuss our biggest fear about the process of transitioning while while we were transitioning. If this is the case, I don't understand why people are identifying "not transitioning" as their biggest hang-up. Seems to me that this is more of a pre-transition fear or a climactic fear (with transition as anticlimax, I guess), unless you mean to say that you were afraid that you wouldn't transition well. For a lot of us, isn't the fear of not transitioning one of the factors that forces us to transition--our feeling that it is worse to not transition than to transition?

You have a good point, Arch.  My biggest fear before starting transition was that I would become a freak in others' eyes.  Once I started transition, with a lot of support from those I had so feared would reject me, I was afraid that it wouldn't "take" somehow and I would become a freak.  In my down times, I still have that fear.

- Kate

My biggest fear is the loss of my family.  The feeling is without them I lose an integral part of myself.

Having to tell the man I fell in love with about my past.

As an addition, being able to find a guy who is okay with my past who shares my morals/beliefs.

These are some of the primary reasons I stopped transitioning, that and the sadness that came with deceiving everyone about my past and not feeling able to be open about myself.

Biggest fear? I have a few, but my biggest one would be therapy.

I didn't spend my childhood thinking I was the wrong gender; I didn't spend my childhood considering my gender at all. I spent it surviving, learning to adapt to various other psychiatrist-bill inducing experiences. I'm afraid that a therapist will either discount my desire to be the man I feel I am as the result of how I grew up, or try and work back through all that other crap before they'll address my 'gender issue'.

That because it isn't a life-or-death matter to me at this point in my life they'll think it isn't serious enough and just tell me to piss off and learn to live with it.

Also, I've had nothing but frustrating, useless experiences with therapists so far in my life. It'd be my luck that the one time I go to one because I want drugs to fix my problem (for a change), they won't give them to me.

So, therapy, and being denied.

My fear, in a word:  failure.
.
I don't fear the dangers of hormones, the pain of surgery, or temporary social strife that is guaranteed to come with transition.   
.
What I fear most is that such social strife will continue for the rest of my life.  Simply trading an internal hell for an external one.  Perhaps mostly due to my doubts about my ability to pass, whether due to starting HRT later in life, or whether due to lack of funds for procedures that could otherwise prove helpful (FFS).
.
I try to remind myself that I'm just beginning, and to give it time...to wait and see.  Time can change many things.  But the fear of ultimately failing at the end of the road does tend to nag at my thoughts at times.

Quote from: Arch on September 20, 2009, 01:31:05 PM
I don't see their situation--that is, that of cisgender GLB people--as quite the same thing. Maybe if their goal were to become straight (I guess a few have that goal)...but then they would be dropping out of the community once they achieved their goal. Sort of like a lot of us do.

Quite a few trans people that I know are not pleased to be considered a part of the GLB community, whether we ride on their coattails or not. And gay people stay gay...whereas a lot of us consider "trans" to be more of a passing condition; many trans folks, when they are "finished" with transition, are done with the community and just want to live regular lives. After living so much of our lives in the wrong body and social role, we just want to live life in a way that seems right. Make up for lost time, maybe. After all the pain and struggle that many of us go through, I can't really blame them.

And I might be one of them someday. I'm a very private person, a pretty shy person. I'm no activist.

Tough call.

Anyway, I was reading this thread and planning to respond, but I'm thrown off by so many people who seem to be going in a direction that doesn't quite make sense to me. Perhaps the question is ambiguously phrased. I thought the OP wanted us to discuss our biggest fear about the process of transitioning while while we were transitioning. If this is the case, I don't understand why people are identifying "not transitioning" as their biggest hang-up. Seems to me that this is more of a pre-transition fear or a climactic fear (with transition as anticlimax, I guess), unless you mean to say that you were afraid that you wouldn't transition well. For a lot of us, isn't the fear of not transitioning one of the factors that forces us to transition--our feeling that it is worse to not transition than to transition?

If I read the question right, a parallel query might be, "What scares you most when you are driving on the freeway?" And your response is, inexplicably, "While I'm driving on the freeway, my biggest fear is that I will never drive on the freeway." Um, but you ARE driving on the freeway.

With that said, my biggest fear about my transitional process while I was medically transitioning was that I would lose my partner.

My biggest fear about transition before I decided to transition was...to make the decision to transition. I knew what I wanted to do, but I was too scared to do it. Then, suddenly, I wasn't.

Once I had actually made the decision, I became more and more afraid that something would fall through and I wouldn't be allowed to transition. I think the most stressful day of my life was the day I got my first shot. I was terrified that I wouldn't actually get it.

Congratulations. Here's your cookie....and WOW you invalidated most of the responses and get to feel superior to us also! Hope you enjoy.

Around a year ago I started coming out as trans to my friends in real life. Previously I'd told mostly online friends (a few I met in real life, too) or some of my sex partners only.

Friday night we threw together a small party, and the cast ended up being people who I genuinely like a lot. Someone who I'd only known online but who knew a few other folks showed up. She's a sociology graduate and had asked me lots of questions online, but meeting me for the first time, she had a lot more questions. We all talked quite a bit about my GID. Mostly, there was a lot of sentiment about "Now that the topic is breached, DO WE USE HIM OR HER BECAUSE SERIOUSLY WE'RE F-ING CONFUSED WHAT YOU WANT AT THIS POINT TELL US SO WE DON'T OFFEND YOU" simply because I never really demanded anything from them.

To me, demanding female pronouns is something I've been afraid to do. I don't feel passable enough, even though I pass a lot. I told them as much, but after a few hours (and many drinks), I did flatly say I prefer female. And at some point in my vodka haze realized everyone was using them.

And I felt like a real person for the first time. I didn't have to worry, like I do while at work, that any random inflection or angle of my face would out me to somebody who's been calling me she - my friends understand and don't care, because they do care.

Feeling like a person is warm and fuzzy.

I realize that I don't demand female pronouns from people because of the same reason I don't dress up in overtly female clothes. I'm afraid of being denied; of failure.

I've had it pointed out that passing as female while working at a hardware store probably means that if I actually dressed girly, I'd pass a lot more.  ^-^

I do have several people in my life who tell me that they don't see me as being gendered. There's no he or she, there's just Malename. Which is actually a nice concept - gender is such a screwy thing anyway, that it's nice to be liked and loved for being the person you are, not the gender you are. I am worried about fully transitioning in their eyes, but I'm sure as time passes it'll get easier.


My biggest fear, I think, really, is having a successful life after transition. And meeting the right people. And... the idea off losing women as lovers scares me too... because most women don't want to be with women, and I *still* find myself getting crushes and attraction towards girls. I figure it's going to be a lot of heartbreak when I fall in love with someone who says "if only you were a boy..."

trying to tell my parents.

This:

Quote from: Autumn on September 21, 2009, 02:48:49 AM
And I felt like a real person for the first time. I didn't have to worry, like I do while at work, that any random inflection or angle of my face would out me to somebody who's been calling me she - my friends understand and don't care, because they do care.

Feeling like a person is warm and fuzzy.

and this:

Quote from: Autumn on September 21, 2009, 02:48:49 AM
My biggest fear, I think, really, is having a successful life after transition. And meeting the right people. And... the idea off losing women as lovers scares me too... because most women don't want to be with women, and I *still* find myself getting crushes and attraction towards girls. I figure it's going to be a lot of heartbreak when I fall in love with someone who says "if only you were a boy..."

This really touched me, Autumn.  Thanks.

Life is strange, and it takes many odd turns.  But the opportunity to be yourself is a true gift not available to many.

- Kate

Quote from: aubrey on September 21, 2009, 02:30:43 AM
Congratulations. Here's your cookie....and WOW you invalidated most of the responses and get to feel superior to us also! Hope you enjoy.

That was uncalled for.  I too was wondering about what Arch said.  Seeing all those responses that not transitioning was their greatest fear made me think that for some, there are so many fears associated with transition, that to counter that fear they instead only focus on what would happen if they didn't transition (which, I admit can be highly motivational).  It can be scary to think of transition in terms of "out of the frying pan and into the fire" and this post forces you to consider that possibility.

Once you transition you trade one set of challenges for another.  I know of no one who transitioned and all their problems went away.  On the other hand, I know of no one who struggles with GID who did nothing and their problems went away.

Buddha was quoted as saying something like; we always have 83 problems.  When we solve one, another comes up in its place.  When we try to have no problems we create an 84th problem.

The decision to transition should be done by weighing how life is now versus how it will probably be if you transition.  (I think most of us have a pretty good idea how it will probably be.)  Which ever side weighs more should help you in the decision process.  The fairy tale life should never be a factor in the decision making process.

Julie

Failure has always been my biggest fear in almost everything.  I fear that someone else such as my doctor may suddenly decide I am not doing it right and cut me off for awhile or permanently.  I fear that I might be doing this wrong and many here or others places will look down on me.  I fear of letting the wrong people know to soon again and it costing me greatly as it already has once more.  I fear the hormones not working right and them cutting me off.  I fear failing.

Ya, its alot of fear and I some how still manage to function or try to.  However failure in my goals is always my greatest fear especially here.

I guess that I wont be 100% happy with myself.

Jay

Quote from: Jay on September 22, 2009, 11:09:00 AM
I guess that I wont be 100% happy with myself.

Jay

I wonder if any human is 100% happy with themself.  Perhaps you mean you will not be happy with the new you? ???  Be careful of your expectations - they can be a trap. :P

(Sorry to offer motherly advice, Jay.  I'd like you to be happy, and just pursuing transition if that is what you need, including all its difficulties, hopefully will make you happy.)

That old busybody,
Kate

My biggest fear is not passing.

Failure, isolation, lonelines ... but that never happened.

The biggest challange was overcoming my own fear and paranoia

My BIGGEST fear of transitioning is getting type 2 diabetes/high blood pressure quicker as opposed to later (if ever) since I'm obese.  I know that working out and eating right helps a lot which I have been doing but with my family history and race it's something that may even stop me from going on hormones. 

My second biggest fear is not being able to financially support myself on top of transition costs.

My third biggest fear is not having someone to help me through transitioning.  I don't want to be alone when I will have to go through it.

My fourth biggest fear is being denied getting a metoidioplasty because of my obesity.  If that's the case then I will do gastric bypass if I cannot foresee losing the weight which will just wind up being exra money and time I have to spend dealing with it.

My fifth biggest fear is getting a metoidioplasty but not being able to climax/ejaculate.

My sixth biggest fear is a surgeon botching my work but that will hopefully be combated againt because I check my surgeons credentials and past reviews.

My seventh biggest fear is the possibility of my body rejecting T and so therefore having to stop taking T.  I REALLY hope that doesn't happen.

My eighth biggest fear is regretting transitioning.  I'm pretty sure of myself but that thought is always in the back of my head.

I was afraid I'd lose my daughter, or that I'd mess up her head somehow.

  Being alone and stuck in-between genders.

"Torn between two genders, feeling like a fool..."

Biggest fear: Losing my partner.
Lost my partner.
Biggest fear now: Everything else.

I can say: nothing I was afraid would happen did.

I guess at one point I feared dealing with "passing" everyday would wear on me and take too much time/effort to deal with on an everyday basis. That didn't happen. I was afraid I would lose all my friends, I gained more friends. I was afraid people would see my life as a joke, people respect me BECAUSE of doing this. I could go on....

My biggest fear would have to be... having some sort of sickness or medical problem that would prevent me from transitioning.
Close second would have to be whether I'll ever pass enough.

Definitely losing my family and friends.  :'(

There've always been two eating at me.

One is that no matter what I did or how I carried myself, no one will ever see me as anything but a straight-up dude.

The other is that once I start, I won't be able to finish. I'm afraid I'll wake up friendless and penniless stuck in an "in-between" state: so far that I couldn't detransition even if I wanted to, but not nearly far enough to stop the dysphoria.

Biggest fear for me is knowing this is what I want, and not knowing how I will be able to afford much of it.

Having my father cut off contact with between me and my brothers. I raised those kids. Since I am leaving the country soon though, it wouldn't be hard. My second biggest fear is having to tell those three boys that their "sister" is actually male.

That i'll be dead before it'll happend.

being known as someone who transitioned

Quote from: Luv2Dance on April 02, 2012, 07:37:33 PM
being known as someone who transitioned

There are upsides to this.

Not being able to have SRS... THAT freaked me out. It almost happened twice! The very idea to be stuck in the middle, oh NO! - at least MY idea of 'in the middle'.

All the rest paled by comparison. Now if someone thinks I'm trans, then let THAT be their issue - not mine.
A bit of self-serving arrogance is not a bad thing in this case - I think.

Axélle

Fear of the big operation and fear of it going wrong!

Fear of losing my business in a very male dominated industry which I am very well known and respected in on a national level.

Quite sure I would have to start all over and try to use my skills as an artist in a different field...but in my mind that "fear" could be turned around with enough determination

I fear that because I wasn't born male, because im short, because my body frame is tiny and I cannot give them kids that I will never find a girl that wants me. Thats before we get onto my geeky/immature personality and my lack of confidence.

Quote from: Tom on April 03, 2012, 02:53:26 PM
I fear that because I wasn't born male, because im short, because my body frame is tiny and I cannot give them kids that I will never find a girl that wants me. Thats before we get onto my geeky/immature personality and my lack of confidence.

With the exception of the tiny frame I feel like I'm looking at myself in the mirror when I read this.

I fear that the little trace of physical maleness that could remain after HRT will make me unfabulous!!  :D

my biggest fear was fear of the unknown. i thought about things like "what if this person knows i'm transgender, what if my family hates it." lots of things i would worry about thinking people would be aggressive with me, which is the last thing i need.

Biggest fear: not passing, being started at /pointed at/laughed at everywhere I go

Quote from: Tom on April 03, 2012, 02:53:26 PM
I fear that because I wasn't born male, because im short, because my body frame is tiny and I cannot give them kids that I will never find a girl that wants me. Thats before we get onto my geeky/immature personality and my lack of confidence.

Most girls I've known didn't want kids except to the extent that they are part of living a certain story. And hey man, any girl that does want kids is the type of girl who will likely value your tiny frame and geeky personality. Intelligence and sensitivity? Why wouldn't a girl want that?

Quote from: meatgrinder on April 03, 2012, 11:06:33 PM
Biggest fear: not passing, being started at /pointed at/laughed at everywhere I go

That's probably 99% of us!

Quote from: Felix on April 05, 2012, 04:05:24 AM
Most girls I've known didn't want kids except to the extent that they are part of living a certain story. And hey man, any girl that does want kids is the type of girl who will likely value your tiny frame and geeky personality. Intelligence and sensitivity? Why wouldn't a girl want that?

I wish I knew the girls you did lol I wouldnt really say im intelligent or sensitive....can you be sensitive if your very blunt? I appreciate what your saying though so cheers  ;) 

Where to begin.... Fear of not passing. Fear of rejection from everyone. Losing what little I have right now. I can't pick what scares m the most.

1) Fear of ending up as one of those violence/murder/rape/etc statistics. Those numbers are ...scary.
2) Being cast out in general
3) Something going wrong with HRT, or surgeries

Quote from: Eve87 on April 05, 2012, 07:08:46 PM
1) Fear of ending up as one of those violence/murder/rape/etc statistics. Those numbers are ...scary.

I fear that...like if the wrong person just happened to find out  :-\

My biggest fear is being beat or murdered, looking into taking up martial arts to overcome this...

I have two main fears,  the biggest is telling my family because I know how they will take it and I know that they will cut me out of their lives.  Being trans just doesn't fit into their world.

My second fear is not being able to find a job.  I was made redundant and I am currently retraining but I can't find a job now let alone when I am fully transitioned.   I have serious concerns about working for someone else and I would prefer to be self employed but the economy is so crap at the moment.

Quote from: Tom on April 03, 2012, 02:53:26 PM
I fear that because I wasn't born male, because im short, because my body frame is tiny and I cannot give them kids that I will never find a girl that wants me. Thats before we get onto my geeky/immature personality and my lack of confidence.

*huggles*
Dear, you will find someone. Do you know how I know? Because you practically described me before I met my wife in an Anime chat room almost 12 years ago.

My fear? that's tough to answer because I've developed this habit of dealing with my fears with a 'let's see what happens' attitude. I guess I fear not being able to afford to have my facial hair lasered off, or that I will be small-busted. kind of petty I guess but that's what I gripe about most

Quote from: Keaira on April 06, 2012, 04:52:20 AM
*huggles*
Dear, you will find someone. Do you know how I know? Because you practically described me before I met my wife in an Anime chat room almost 12 years ago.

Oh gosh you are my new inspiration now!   :o

Quote from: Malachite on April 06, 2012, 09:45:57 AM
Oh gosh you are my new inspiration now!   :o

LOL! I'm glad I could help. ^_^

Fear of getting complications from hormones or surgery.

My family changing their minds and making a big deal over it, I suppose
like taking my meds and leaving me with nothing that would not be good

Quote from: Tom on April 03, 2012, 02:53:26 PM
I fear that because I wasn't born male, because im short, because my body frame is tiny and I cannot give them kids that I will never find a girl that wants me. Thats before we get onto my geeky/immature personality and my lack of confidence.

Another vote for this....minus the geeky personality. My height has always been a huge problem, and dealing with it completely as a short man? :(  And I want biological children, but no real prospects for that as I'm not getting preg, and its hard to harvest eggs properly. That, and then they wouldn't be hers as well :/ Gotta be one's or the other's...

One of my biggest fears was that I was too old to even do this. Of course at the time I was like 21. And though thought that I was much too old to come out as trans. With that the exposure of transgender children it made me feel bad that I didn't assert myself at a younger age and it made me feel like it was too late for me. HOwever, I have since realized that I was being ridiculous. I am now 23 and officially starting my journey. I've been on tblockers for 3 months now. It's never too late.

I think my other biggest fear was of not ever being read or respected as female. However as I have begun transition this fear too has abated. I now get ma'am in public on a regular basis. Even though I'm not even taking estrogen yet and have only had 3 rounds of lazer. These fears go away with time and with experience. At least that is what I have found!

my biggest fear is all the shopping I will not be able to do while saving money up to get it done.
I love the new things I get while shopping and will miss it lots.

My biggest fear now is having anything to fear.

to fear is stupid and a total waste of time.. i wouldn't even add to this if i were anyone unless its positive

This thread reminds me that I'm such a freakin honey badger it's ridiculous >.<

Which is not a good thing for the most part.

Quote from: queerkristina on April 10, 2012, 05:41:02 PM
One of my biggest fears was that I was too old to even do this. Of course at the time I was like 21. And though thought that I was much too old to come out as trans. With that the exposure of transgender children it made me feel bad that I didn't assert myself at a younger age and it made me feel like it was too late for me. HOwever, I have since realized that I was being ridiculous. I am now 23 and officially starting my journey. I've been on tblockers for 3 months now. It's never too late.

I think my other biggest fear was of not ever being read or respected as female. However as I have begun transition this fear too has abated. I now get ma'am in public on a regular basis. Even though I'm not even taking estrogen yet and have only had 3 rounds of lazer. These fears go away with time and with experience. At least that is what I have found!

[/color][/u][/b]

Quote from: Miniar on September 19, 2009, 09:36:40 AM
My current biggest fear, as I'm still pre everything, is going to the psychologist, jumping through all the hoops, and being told, that I'm just not dysphoric enough to warrant treatment (transition) or something along those lines.
To get a "no".
That's my fear.

I second that!!



Though ultimately with all the waiting, my actual fear is transitioning too late!!
I dunno where I learnt it from or how much is true, or how age might affect the overall result (proof anyone? My doctors tells me 45 is the absolute latest for a 'good' results) but I hate to be someone stuck in the middle, nether here nor there... you know?

That for me would be my worst nightmare EVER!! 

Seriously, I'd sooner they tell me now rather than make me wait a while. At-least than I have the option to take matters into my own hands, take my transferable skills and jet-off to around the world, taking my chances... 

My biggest fear used to be that I got it all wrong, that transition was a delusion and that one day, I would come to regret it and be completely destroyed. I almost overdid it in terms of being cautious of myself, analysing my need to transition repeatedly, so much so, that even my counsellors and psychiatrists thought I was over thinking the whole matter! So I had no fears about the charing cross psychs, because the ultimate gatekeeper was myself.

My family... > >

Coming out to my family and the thought of what if I'm wrong

Quote from: Lee on April 28, 2012, 02:50:39 AM
Coming out to my family and the thought of what if I'm wrong

I keep doubting myself but I think that might be because no one is really supporting me in the real world.....but then I realize, I've felt this way for most of my life and I need to do what's best for me and not for "everyone else"

Losing career opportunities. I want to be a nurse. I'm afraid I'll finish the last of my pre-reqs, then apply to the nursing program and get turned away at the interview/essay stage because Im either too feminine or not feminine enough.. I honestly haven't decided whether or not I'll be out at that stage. But if all goes well, I'll have been on hormones for close to a year before any of that comes to fruition.

Second fear is not passing. But as the days go on, and I see myself a bit more cheerfully I don't think that will be a problem after HRT is started.

Quote from: casey on April 24, 2012, 04:46:01 PM
I fear violence, mostly.

I fear violence no matter what I do. In the last few years I've only been hit by demented old ladies and unstable children, but I still count the exits and size up the other people whenever I walk into any room. Transition actually emboldened me a bit.

Quote from: Felix on May 01, 2012, 02:53:04 AM
I fear violence no matter what I do. In the last few years I've only been hit by demented old ladies and unstable children, but I still count the exits and size up the other people whenever I walk into any room. Transition actually emboldened me a bit.

These will keep the old biddies away!

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.findcoolclothes.com%2Fproducts%2Flarge_photos%2Fspikedlegguards.jpg&hash=aeaa63f55cbc07c78719e8bcd9019df14a146981)

You need to pack

... boxes I mean.

Quote from: Jamie D on May 01, 2012, 03:01:18 AM
These will keep the old biddies away!

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.findcoolclothes.com%2Fproducts%2Flarge_photos%2Fspikedlegguards.jpg&hash=aeaa63f55cbc07c78719e8bcd9019df14a146981)

You need to pack

... boxes I mean.

That's right. Yes I do.

That my past as a male will keep being thrown back in my face by so-called loved ones, co-workers, etc. Like it is now. *sigh*

I'm going to cuddle with my bunny now.

I did the "I'm too old to transition succesfully" thing in my early 20's.  15 years later, I've finally gotten started :)

So vanity was the first fear.  I get looks of appreciation or jealousy or indifference as any other woman seems to get now.

Then it was my therapist writing the hrt letter after 3 months.  I cried in relief at that one.

Violence is always on the back of my mind, but then again I'm 6' and not stick thin, so nobody has tried to have a go at me.

Family wasn't really a fear but it was still a relief to tell them.  (Not out to the extended family but don't care as much as my parents and sister.)  I've also been finding out who my friends really are :)

I think I've kind of gotten over the fears now, or just can't be bothered to worry about them anymore.  I've still got a long way to go, but this is right for me, I'm free and I have nothing to fear at the moment.

Work stability is a bit of a concern, but that's sorting itself out and should be completely stable again in the next few months, so I don't really count this either.

Violence on others...if you hate me, whatever...but don't take it out on others

Not obtaining a job , a place to live , just because of the discrimination ..

My biggest fear, in all honesty, is not loving my dog to the extent that I do currently.  I'm scared I won't think of her as my "child".  I don't want to do that.  =(

My other biggest fear is having my parents hate me.

Quote from: Assoluta on April 24, 2012, 03:53:06 PM
My biggest fear used to be that I got it all wrong, that transition was a delusion and that one day, I would come to regret it and be completely destroyed. I almost overdid it in terms of being cautious of myself, analysing my need to transition repeatedly, so much so, that even my counsellors and psychiatrists thought I was over thinking the whole matter! So I had no fears about the charing cross psychs, because the ultimate gatekeeper was myself.

Assolutamente! Fear of oneself. And I continue to analyse my motives today, but not as much. What I did was take HRT whilst working it all out, instead of waiting until I had a certain answer. I did it just in time before things got too busy and complicated in my life. At that time, I was the only employee in my company. Crucially, there was no possibility of being sacked.

First of all I have to say great idea to post this forum topic !

My BIGGEST fear in my entire transition thus far is simply having to COME OUT ! @ work. Now in my situation I had technically been living as myself before my name legally changed, I integrated different feminine bits in my wardrobe and people could clearly tell I was not your typical ' male ' at the time.

But the day I had to come out at my job through HR and then to officially tell my co workers about my gender identity kinda made me a bit uncomfortable. The reactions we're varied and people seemed supportive and wanted to learn about who I was. I always love to be able to dispell any myths people hear or answer any unresolved questions they've been wanting to know first hand. As time passed I have found people have less to say to me and often cut off their interactions with me, it could also because I am very bold and outspoken personality wise too. But it's drawing close to my 1 yr fulltime and I still fear being so out about myself in the workplace. Because I have this paranoia that because they'd not like me or what not they'd just gang up to get me fired.

But that is my biggest fear. Hopefully it makes sense !