Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've been musing about on the workings of going full time in the next few months. Mostly, my facebook. Because I don't want to just change my name on the site,. I want a wholly different profile. It's a weird concept to think, of the people I won't tell and won't re-friend, what my last update would be. "Name Died." That's simple. Or just say nothing. Or delete the account. Who knows?

Of course, the thought goes beyond that. To online contacts who don't know or need to know. Do I drop my old handles from over 10 years ago? Do I keep them around just in case someone tries to reach me? Do I get rid of firstnamelastname@email.com, which I've used extensively for the past several years? Practically speaking, I used it for a lot of contact info...

More interesting to me, I have a lot of friends who I am out with. I was considering having a funereal gathering of a dozen or so people, wearing a long black dress and veil, and scattering ashes from a coffee can at a pond or lake. Maybe off a bridge.

I can't be alone, at least in the thought, of doing something symbolic or amusing beyond a new DMV photograph.

If ever I succeed post-op, I'll wipe off EVERYONE from my entire life upto even my own members of family. I don't want to be known as a transsexual but as a real woman.

If and when I can afford SRS, I will no doubt be able to throw the biggest party ever. Yes :icon_yes: you are all invited :laugh:

Hi Autumn,

What a great idea! The one of having a burial etc, I think you then need a rebirth, the same night. A really nice, summery, flowing gown (a bit baptismal; but maybe cute?); move among your friends and have a glass wine etc, and re-intoduce yourself as you. As for FB etc couldn't comment.
Friends are friends

Cindy

I transitioned about 5 years ago. I'm in the small town I grew up in and I have a professional reputation here. For me, wiping everything meant losing all of that, so I didn't. Most people know my past and I can't think of any who hold it against me. If you think you want to wipe the slate, think about whether you want to lose all you've built up so far. If you think that transitioning tars it to such an extent that you'd rather do that then maybe you should see if it really does do that.

Do be aware though, if you're stealth, you will always be haunted. If there is something somewhere that someone thinks you're ashamed of, you can feel pretty sure, it will come out. Or at least, you will spend the rest of your life worried that it will. If you just accept who you are (which doesn't mean shouting it from the rooftops if you don't feel comfortable with that), then nobody can hold anything over you.

Nothing about me that I'm ashamed of.

Dennis

First I have to pass the EMT-B course, do some work or volunteer than get into a paramedic program and pass that. Then I definitely WILL paddle out and surf on an honest-to-gosh backboard! And have someone video it! Heck I'll pick a warm day and do it in an EMT/Paramedic uniform! EMT-B which is a semester, to Paramedic, which is kinda a half-baked doctor at least in emergency medicine terms, is one heck of a transition and well worth celebrating. And I just knew, once I held a backboard in my hands, that I can surf on the sucker.

Oh, uh, er, physical body type transition well. .... I dunno ....

When I went to full time, I posted a obituary notice on my MySpace page.  I only listed my male name as J*** F******* G******, and I stated that he left three ex wives and four children behind,  And that his "sister" ( Me  ;D ) was not planning any memorial.  And then I took everything that was his to Goodwill.

When I heal from SRS, in the future, I might just go pick up a guy at a bar and get laid.  That is of course if I don't have male friends at the time.  Otherwise one of them might just get lucky. :icon_redface:

Did I say that in my outside voice?


Janet

My ceremony will be a full back tattoo that carries three metric tons of symbolism.
I think that's all I'll do.
I'm not a ceremonial person.
My wedding was a visit to a judge followed by noming a chocolate cake at a café.

A wake would have been nice, with a closed casket, flowers, guests & a funeral eulogy speech said by me.  Too late now but the desire to do it hasn't vanished.

Since I lived "back & forth between genders" in my teens, always having to go back to trying to pass as a guy, the closest I came to any kind of "funeral" was when I was preparing to leave the hospital in Colorado to return to Canada. I had travelled down in boy mode (this was before one's papers could be changed) and as I was packing up, I gave the last of my boy clothes to my nurse's boyfriend.

I didn't realize that wasn't very bright until I was approaching Customs & Immigration to re-enter Canada! I certainly didn't look "boy" and yet "boy" was the only ID I had! (Damned blond roots!)

The closest thing I had to a "Ceremony" was putting all my male clothes including two Armani suits, a dozen fine dress shirts, fine leather belts, dozens of silk ties and half a dozen pairs of Bali and other expensive brand shoes in plastic garbage bags and giving them to Goodwill.  I kept one old pair of male docker pants and one cotton shirt for an emergency if I had to appear as male.  ( I had to do that one time then I disposed of them too.  It made me depressed for days after I wore them.)

It felt very poignant to discard the clothes that I used to look my best as a male.  I knew it was a milestone and one that really affected my family.  They knew I was serious.

Maggie

Once surgery its done (If I ever get to that point >.<) I will burn certain clothing items.

Quote from: Shelina on October 10, 2009, 03:33:38 AM
If ever I succeed post-op, I'll wipe off EVERYONE from my entire life upto even my own members of family. I don't want to be known as a transsexual but as a real woman.

I understand that there may be an extremely personal reason as to why you may need to do this, but you can be a "real woman" without dissociating from these people.

I am a real woman.  I am a transsexual.  I am a woman with an odd past and many friends I am not willing to give up.  But we each do this in our own way to suit our own needs.

As for the ceremony, I thought of something like the bridging ceremony girls go through when transitioning from Brownies to Girl Scouts.  The Brownies all wish her well, she walks from one group to the other, and then the Girl Scouts welcome her to their fold.  It is a very nice ceremony.

But when the time came, I was too involved in becoming Kate to arrange such a thing.  Still, I had a number of male friends who expressed sorrow to lose their male friend and a number of female friends who welcomed me as their new girlfriend.

The closest I came to anything ceremonial was carefully folding my male clothes for their trip to the thrift store.  I kept a few of my favorite neckties, including two gorgeous silk ones I had bought in Milan.  I carefully lined a box with tissue and carefully laid them in there.  I still have the shirt my daughter wore playing soccer when she was 8 (she's 35 now) and the ribbons my favorite uncle wore in the Navy, so keeping a few neckties as mementos may be part of a pattern for me.

- Kate

Quote from: Shelina on October 10, 2009, 03:33:38 AM
If ever I succeed post-op, I'll wipe off EVERYONE from my entire life upto even my own members of family. I don't want to be known as a transsexual but as a real woman.

As slightly melodramatic as I feel this comes off...I'm not too far removed from this sentiment. But then, I generally keep to myself anyway, so don't have any friends I would miss much that don't already know me as only male...and most of my family hates me anyway. Well, not hates me, but hates everything about me bordering being violent. I'll keep in touch with them just enough to where I don't stick them with any bills I owe them, and my mother who's perfectly fine with it. But my extended family I have barely any ties to as is, and no qualms in never seeing them again.

As far as the topic at hand...when I attempted transition once before, I gave ALL my female clothing away to friends, just had a big party and let them pick through my closet. This time I'll probably not make that big a deal about it.

After bottom surgery I will wear my "rock out, with your cock out" T-shirt. And after I am all healed I may just go to a bar and sleep with a random or something... dunno.

I don't have enough friends to have a party as such.

Jay

I think a ceremony is a bit odd.... i mean... you're still you. so why are you 'burying 'bob' or whatever? isnt it a bit schysophrenic really?

Quote from: The None Blonde on October 11, 2009, 12:25:59 PM
I think a ceremony is a bit odd.... i mean... you're still you. so why are you 'burying 'bob' or whatever? isnt it a bit schysophrenic really?

To celebrate? I mean it is kind of a big deal. You may be yourself still, but it's a birth of a new you in a way.

I'm not sure I agree... sure, its a big deal, but an elaborate funeral ceremony seems a little... less than symbolic, and a bit 'out there'.

Sure do it if you want, i just dont quite see it as an idea id ever even consider. Its not worthy of celebrating in my view, Its something to be marked and moved on from.

To me, I'm still the same person, the same girl  I always was, the cover just changed. I didnt become a new me, or a new person, thats too much like changing sex... becoming the oposite sex... the old silly steriotypes of a man 'becoming a woman'... makes me want to grind my teeth sorta...

I venture to guess that it's a bigger thing for the MTFs here. It's a big change, and it really is a big accomplishment to bury that old "guy.

For us FTMs, we've grown up and lived with "room to move" that our MTF sisters never had. We could be tomboys, butch lesbians, etc., and in many cases pass/not pass randomly as men before hormones. Our sisters don't get that, they get called "sissy boys" and beat up in school, get pressured into playing football and all kinds of nonsense, and catch all kinds of heck if they add a feminine accent or two to their wardrobe.

We get on HRT, we end up with deep voices and facial hair helping us out fairly soon. And most of us are short but short guys abound. Our sisters have to cope with being tall in most cases, and instead of our one surgery, top surgery (most of us don't do more than that) they're looking at a bunch of things, and it seems to be a BUNCH.

So for us it may not be a big deal, I'm in agreement with most of you guys, the best ceremony is to get laid! But for some of us, it is.

I assume that it's less about burying "bob", but more about burying the "idea" of "bob".
You're still the same person, but you're no longer pretending to be someone else..


Or something like that.

When I was ready to retire from the military, the one piece of advice I received that turned out to be very valuable to me was: Be sure to mark the transitions in your life.

This may be a marriage or divorce, the birth of a child or the death of a loved one, graduation, retirement or major career change - whatever.  The point is that yes, you are the same person, but you are starting on a new phase of your life.  Do something that marks that.

I was just going to leave the service - essentially, just not show up one day.  Instead I had a big ceremony and a party and stayed out too late drinking with some friends.  The next day I was done with my old life and ready to start my new one.  I was still the same person, but I felt I had turned a page on my life. 

The night I got my name-change papers I bought a bottle of champagne and drank most of it.  (I usually hardly ever touch the stuff.)  I very consciously folded my male clothes for their trip out of my house, feeling like I was dressing a body for burial.  I have no idea what I will do once I get my GRS.  The problem here is that transition is a gradual process, so it is a little harder to mark.  But at some point I will do something to say: That was then; this is now.

- Kate

I guess i skipped that phase... or marking... I never really felt a definitive time in transition. Ok, starting hrt had a definite time, but it was unceremonial... popping that first pill on my bed in dorms. Full time was a slide of sorts, i just went from girly andrognous, to girl, no fanfare. I guess im not proud of this change, im just glad it happened, and that im free to live, knowing in my heart that I'm finally mostly one girl, alone in the world to make her mark.

Quote from: The None Blonde on October 11, 2009, 12:42:23 PM
I'm not sure I agree... sure, its a big deal, but an elaborate funeral ceremony seems a little... less than symbolic, and a bit 'out there'.

Sure do it if you want, i just dont quite see it as an idea id ever even consider. Its not worthy of celebrating in my view, Its something to be marked and moved on from.

To me, I'm still the same person, the same girl  I always was, the cover just changed. I didnt become a new me, or a new person, thats too much like changing sex... becoming the oposite sex... the old silly steriotypes of a man 'becoming a woman'... makes me want to grind my teeth sorta...

I want an excuse to dump a coffee can full of ash somewhere like Walter and The Dude and get drunk. Social gatherings are always an excuse to get drunk.

It's also called having a sense of humor.

I don't find being trans funny.

Quote from: The None Blonde on October 12, 2009, 06:03:04 AM
I don't find being trans funny.

Then that's your cross to bear.

If I didn't laugh my ass off about all the crazy things that have happened and continue to happen, I'd be a nonfunctional ball of tears on the floor of my room.

I have enough stories that deserve only tears already and expect to have plenty in the future. Why ask for more misery?

I dont consider it a cross to bear, or misery really. I just have so much of a fulfilling life that trans is really not that important to me. It was, it has been, and i've never been proud of it or seen it as funny, Oh ive seen the funny side to parts of transition... but not trans itself. I do respect what you say... if you want to mark it.. who am I to get in the way of a good pissup? :)

I think I can see what you mean, None Blonde, but I'm finding transition to be the oddest and most fun thing I've ever done.  (And I've done some odd things. ::))

Sure it has all sorts of potholes and difficulties.  It seems like a constant struggle, a battle within and a battle without.  But there are some really absurd things that happen.  And I am having more fun than I ever thought would be possible without causing longterm problems for myself or others.

Just the concept of being transsexual is weird if you think about it.  I mean, I'm a woman but I have a penis (blasted thing!) - how wonderfully peculiar. :D

We each approach this in our own way, depending on our natures and our situations and our particular needs.  I am very fortunate to be in a situation where I can have fun with it.  I expect to do this only once, so I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can. ;D

(Hmmm.  I could get some Rocky Mountain oysters, drive spikes in them, and ceremonially bury them in the yard.  Well, I've got plenty of time to dream something up. ;))

- Kate

Yeah... Nomatter how hard I try, i cant think of myself as 'transsexual' though I am... it's very difficult to associate myself with the horrid steriotype the name produces. I'm a girl, or i wouldn't have started this... certainly didnt transition to become an inbetweeny.

Oh I know that feeling.  I was so afraid of getting stuck in the middle somewhere that I wouldn't even begin.

But finally I got to the point where I couldn't stand living the lie any more.  I threw caution to the wind (only metaphorically - I've actually been very careful how I've done this) and set sail on this voyage.  In the beginning I had no idea how far I would be able to go but knew I had to go anyway.

I even warned my friends that I might be able to get only part way, but that I had to at least try.

I still don't know how far I will be capable of going, but each step makes the next one easier.  It is a long journey, though, and I sometimes wonder if it is ever complete.

I sometimes say a little prayer that each of us – trans-sexual and cis-sexual alike – shall one day be whole.

- Kate

Actually, my dad suggested doing something like that, but that idea makes me really uncomfortable.

I mean, I've always been a guy, you know? The girl that everyone else saw, and the one everyone else remembers and thinks of when they think back. That never really existed. I don't want others to mourn the loss of someone that was never me, or even real person. There was nobody there before on the outside, everything people saw there were just a wall and a fake face. So nobody died, the wall was just torn down. That's just my take on it.

Could it be that the ceremony could also have that sentimental/ceremonial detachment of the character that you played for however many years - for your friends and loved ones - and the real you that you are finally embracing wholly? Like Cloudrot stated, many that know us, know us as that male/female that we posed as and acted and that is how they see us and think of us as. It may be a good way to bring them together and celebrate who they thought you were and 'kill' that memory, sever the connection between "Bob" and "Betty", leaving only "Betty" to live her life.

I don't know, I'm still having to live as "Bob" for now and still discovering who "Betty" is. I like Kate's view of marking the transitions, I'm sure I will want to somehow symbolically mark/celebrate the significant stages of my transition (HRT, FFS, RLE, SRS). I think it would be important to phase "Bob" out of the picture, after all he has been a part of me (reluctantly) for nearly 48 years.   :icon_suspicious: :icon_arrow: :icon_female:

Deanna

I want to have a party when I change my name & start being fulltime, and there will definitely be a celebration after I heal enough from any surgeries, but that's about all I want.  A funeral type thing would be too depressing for marking a happy occasion.

Quote from: The None Blonde on October 12, 2009, 06:03:04 AM
I don't find being trans funny.

You better learn to laugh at yourself, honey.  There are enough tears that go along with this.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi

I should have used 'full time' or 'srs' not 'transition' because transition is such a fluid thing.

Holding a Big Lebowski themed funeral for myself is one of the more normal, rational, and sane event things my friend circle could do, so... I can see why people might think it a bit odd. Stuff is only as macabre as you make it. Playing the opposite, a key component of acting and drama.

Quote from: Kristi on October 12, 2009, 01:17:38 PM
You better learn to laugh at yourself, honey.  There are enough tears that go along with this.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi

The situations it creates? can be funny... I have a very dark sense of humour, no problems there, however, as a topic, i dont find transition funny, or happy, or awesome, or mind numbingly depressing. It was a weight off my shoulders, and its just life for now. I've lost my share, and ive gained more than my share. S**t happens, live for today, not for yesterday.

And Autumn... full time can be fluid too! Srs maybe i can see reason for a bit of a party :)