Susan's Place Transgender Resources

How do I deal with family? I know they will shunned me.... but I don't really care except my immediate family; mother grandma siblings and my dad a bit but I don't see him much.

I think I am a transsexual (almost 60% sure).... but I don't know what to do about what my mother thinks. Basically her opinion matters to me.

I'm 18, so I know this is the time to start doing things.

Well, it sounds like everything is up in the air for you at the moment.

I think you need a plan. There is no hurry, don't feel like time is slipping away because there really is plenty of it. It sounds to me like what you need space to explore your gender identity, space to learn more about yourself. One step might be to get a gender therapist. Another might be to talk to your mum about how you are struggling with your gender identity and would like support to explore your expression of self. You don't need to pull out the transexual word at this stage untill you are sure. Just some ideas.

And really you don't know how family will react. Some may surprise you.

Best of luck Megan!

Hi Megan,

Well I'm 34 so I don't know if my advice is considered valid anymore, but I'll give it to you since you asked and I have some experience with the matter.

I know how it feels to be shunned and thrown away by your family. It's peculiar, really, for people whose opinions I didn't really care for before they became very important when I started transitioning. I've had the most success with my mother, because I worked her into things, slowly. I spent months getting to know her on a deeper level than I ever have before. You would think that we would know the people from whence we sprung pretty well, but no.

There is the very real chance you will lose everyone. It happens to people here all the time, that's kind of why we need to stick together. You can try to avoid it by gradually moving into the role. You said you are 60% sure, so what happens if you turn up one day in a dress talking about genital surgery? Well, people will be shocked and surprised and you probably won't like their reaction. Take it slowly. Get to know your mother some more. Make some tea and talk to her, and do it regularly.

Talk about her, not you. When you talk about your history together, use "I statements" like I feel, I remember...when you use "you" it changes the tone of the conversation and makes people defensive. I would suggest doing this a lot. Nothing endears you to people like talking about and showing an interest in them. As you work through this process you will find the conversations probably will balance to include you more often. I heard a beautiful story the other night about a girl who came out to her mother over ice cream, no drama, no big scene, just basically "mom I'm a girl" and it went pretty darn well considering. Baby steps.

Lastly, try to remember that you have had all the time you need to think about this, they probably haven't. Your reaction to their reaction is important too. There's a good chance you will lose everyone no matter what you do, but really reinforcing the relationships first can help a lot. It will make you appear to be making a lot of progress in their eyes, and hopefully the first thing they will associate with you being trans is not showing up in a dress with a beard, but with being a more emotional and engaging person to be around.

Oh, and ignore the nonsensical hate speech and do listen to the older people. I agree that a sense of urgency is in order at your age, but that's where it stops. There are several great role models here, all of them over 35. One in particular is my heroine, when I'm having a hard time keeping at it I look at her old posts as she documented going through the very same things I am; and ending up with a fabulous life as a blended, normal, well adjusted woman.

Family IS disposable, my family all hate me and there's no communication with them at all, however this has to do with the fact that I'm poor now. If I were able to become middle-class again, they'd start talking again, upper-middle-class and they'd really buddy up with me.

I'll agree that the earlier your transition the better but it's not the end of the world if you transition post-30 or post 40 etc. I'd put a "moderate hurry" on it. And there's a LOT of variability to it, I"m an FTM and there are guys way younger than me who look, well, awful, and guys older than me who are yet to start on hormones and yet already have some very male traits, when they do get on hormones if they do, they'll do outstandingly. There are TONS of variables of skin texture, height, bone structure, personality, just a ton of factors.

I'd suggest finding yourself a counsler to talk to who is experienced with gender issues. Talk to him/her about everything, including your family. If you are only around 60% sure that you are trans then you don't want to jeopardize relationships with people you care about until you are sure, right?

And when you reach that point I'm sure a counselor could help you prepare to talk to your family so you have a better chance of the discussion going smoothly  :)  Hope this was helpful.

Just because you're 18 doesn't mean you have to tell everyone right now. Do what you're ready to do.
I'd suggest starting with a councelor/therapist and figuring out for certain, where you are and where you want to go (figuratively speaking).